THE RADISH

Warning: the contents of these pages are entirely satirical. These stories should not be taken seriously as they bear faint resemblance to reality. Unless…

ANOVULATION BANNED

Since Roe v. Wade was overturned, several states have e ectively outlawed abortions. Some have gone even further in defense of the unborn. is includes Kentucky, which recently passed a law criminalizing anovulation, a menstrual cycle where an egg is not released from the ovaries.

On the day of the vote, protestors lled the streets of Frankfort, Kentucky. ey had signs reading slogans such as “None of Your Business!” and “What Right to Privacy?”

Of particular concern to many protesters was that anovulation isn’t consciously controlled.

“People don’t wake up and go, ‘I’m feeling done with ovulation for the year,’” Abby Based said. “It’s like we’re punishing AFAB individuals just for existing at this point.”

Senator Urbod D. Michoice addressed these concerns at a recent press conference.

“Anovulation is normally caused by too much strenuous exercise or being underweight, and these are choices,” Michoice said. “We’re just looking out for women’s health and making it easier for them to nd a husband by encouraging them to maintain a healthy weight.” ere were also several pro-life organizations in attendance the day of the vote to show support. One of these organizations was Speaking for ose Who Can’t Yet, headed by Iggy Norant.

“I was surprised by the number of people protesting against this bill,” Norant said. “ ink of the eggs that aren’t being released. ey deserve to have the chance to live a full life too.”

BY KATHERINE SHOPPA & ROSEMARY TIMMER-HACKERT

SPIRIT WEEK HAS A DIRECTION

West High’s Spirit Week had more creative themes than ever before. Of these themes, cardinal directions day proved to be di cult to follow.

“No one was really sure what to do,” Nort West ’26 said. “One of my friends was planning to glue a weathervane with directions to their head.”

A er much debate, students settled on what they considered the only true way to embody a cardinal direction.

“We decided to walk in one direction the entire day — obviously west,” Maggie Net ’24 said.

Students who chose north, east or south were referred to as “traitors” and returned home due to shame. Another group, the “compasses,” decided to leave because they did not nd themselves attracted to any direction. ose who remained a er rst period, known as “Occidens,” continued walking west. Upon ending up in the business classrooms, they decided to bulldoze through the wall.

“All I remember is rubble, dust and the ear-piercing screeches of bulldozers. It was terrifying,” Naveen Gation ’23 said. “Once I saw the light though, I knew we couldn’t stop.” e Occidens climbed through the hole onto a ledge and dropped to the grass, su ering six casualties consisting of broken ankles and dislocated knees. e students continued the march west for the rest of the school day, ending up somewhere in a eld near Williamsburg.

“I’ve seen way too much today,” Net said. “I will never participate in a school spirit day ever again.”

26 ENTERTAINMENT OCT. 7, 2022

THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS

Iowans will be asked to vote Nov. 8 on whether to add the right “to keep bear arms” to the state constitution. Many of the state’s hunters are enthused by this idea, including Carni Voran ’24.

“My bear arm collection is quite extensive. I’ve got arms from black bears, grizzly bears and even my childhood teddy bears,” Voran said. “We need this law to prevent the government from taking my bear arms away.”

Some Iowans are concerned that the amendment is worded too strongly. According to the language of the proposed amendment, any laws that infringe upon the right of an individual to keep bear arms will be subject to strict scrutiny — the highest level of protection a right can have.

“I’m concerned that strict scrutiny will make it really hard to regulate things like hunting and taxidermy,” said Annie Mal ’23. “I know that when Alabama instituted theirs in 2014, it led to the state’s bear protection law being rescinded. ere haven’t been any black bear sightings in Alabama since 2018.”

Bear arm bearer Ursi Dae ’23 believes that strict scrutiny is necessary because the right to keep bear arms is essential for safety purposes.

“ e only thing that can stop a bad bear with arms is a good guy with bear arms,” Dae said. “My uncle was attacked by a bear while he was on a hunting trip to add to his bear arm collection. If he had had his bear arm collection on him at the time, that bear would have known not to mess with him.” is point has been contested by those against the amendment.

“Bears do not care if you own bear arms,” Ker Mode ’25 said. “Bears attack when someone is threatening them or their young, so if anything, trying to obtain bear arms increases bear-related violence.”

Current polls show that Iowans are heavily split on this issue.

BACKPACKS OR SNACKPACKS?

Going into the 2022-2023 school year, West High administration decided that backpacks are no longer allowed in the servery. At rst, students le their backpacks in the hallway, but things went wrong once they tossed their backpacks down right in the servery entrance.

“My friends and I just wanted a space to put our bags so we wouldn’t keep forgetting where we le them,” Trenton Setter ’23 said. “We didn’t realize so many people would join in.”

Others saw the pile and decided it was convenient to throw their bags on it too. e growth of the pile made it di cult for people who had already eaten their food to reclaim their bags, and more bags kept being added as people came in for food. By B Lunch, the pile had grown so large that it blocked the entrance to the servery for many students.

“It was a terrifying, bulging, beastly monstrosity sitting right there by our school cafeteria,” Becky Pack ’24 said. “We couldn’t even go into the servery through the exit since administration wants people to only go one way in and out.”

At this point, students saw no other option than to nd another source of food — the backpacks themselves. Students ransacked the pile of backpacks trying to nd a tasty-looking pack. e students gnawed apart the fabric, folders, homework and other materials inside.

“I never thought I’d look at backpacks and determine tastiness,” Chompíne Onbags ’26 said. “If anyone needs any advice, try to nd patterned backpacks; the pattern really adds avor.” e school administration became aware of the situation during h period when many teachers reported that their students were failing to come to class prepared with the excuse that their homework and Chromebooks had been devoured. e administration released a statement on the situation.

“Please do not block the door with your bags, and please do not eat your backpacks or any other non-edible items,” Principal Mitch Gross said.

ENTERTAINMENT

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