THE RADISH
The contents of this series are entirely satirical and should not be regarded as fact.
For two bonus radishes, visit wsspaper.com. BY CAROLINE MASCARDO & ROSEMARY TIMMER-HACKERT
STUDENTS SHARE AP TEST-STUDYING STRATEGIES West High will administer the 2022 AP tests over the first two weeks of May. With these high-pressure exams on the horizon, many test-takers have implemented various studying strategies to prepare, some more unique than others. “I’ve been sleeping with a textbook under my pillow since spring break ended — Mondays and Wednesdays AP Human Geography, Tuesdays and Fridays AP Biology, and weekends AP Spanish,” said Dormir Hawkins ’24. “I’m hoping I can soak up all the information I missed sleeping through class in time for the tests.” Other students have opted to avoid sleeping altogether. According to a recent survey of West High students enrolled in AP courses, 76% reported sleeping 5 hours or less since AP Crunch Time (more commonly referred to as April) began. “I don’t remember the last time I got 8 hours of rest,” said Kay Oss ’23. “With seven exams to
study for, the only time I can review is when I should be sleeping.” Although most AP test-takers spend the majority of April reviewing in hopes of receiving a score of 4 or 5, some believe there are alternative methods to attain high exam scores. Current AP U.S. History student Jack Pott ’24 plans to leave his Venmo username — @a-rad-ish-guy — on the DBQ portion of the exam for his test grader. “The Gilded Age? The Great Depression? I honestly couldn’t tell you anything about either of those things — I haven’t paid attention in APUSH all year,” Pott said. “I’m a lost cause at this point. My only hope for a passing score is to get whoever is grading my exam to request as much cash as they want in exchange for a good score. Earlier this month, some furious students began the Destroy College Board campaign, citing the corporation’s monopolization of education as
a key reason for West High students’ general sleeplessness and decline of well-being. “AP test-takers, please don’t let a single-digit number define your self-worth. After you finish applying to colleges, that number literally doesn’t matter anymore, I assure you,” said Principal Mitch Gross in the latest Monday Message. “Please get some sleep and take care of yourselves.”
PAID PROMOTION ENTERS PUBLIC CLASSROOMS
28 ENTERTAINMENT APRIL 21, 2022
Nectar, Rectangleroom, Talenttrade: West High students have become familiar with these brand names and more as the number of paid promotions in teachers’ lessons grows. “I thought I was dreaming the first time I heard a pitch,” said Willow Taylor-Frank ’25. “My teacher had just told us what the math homework was and then suggested we get some extra practice using Intelligent. That was strange enough, but then she talked about it for at least two minutes.” The idea spread throughout the staff, with the average student now encountering two sponsorships per day. Younger teachers have been especially likely to put sponsored content in their lessons. Monet Ghetter, who started teaching this year, was the first teacher to include paid promotion in their classes. “The salary I get paid as a new teacher isn’t quite enough, so I asked an influencer friend of mine to put me in contact with the brands she’s worked with. I told them I had a loyal audience of 120 teenagers that watch me five days a week, and one of the brands offered me $40 for five days of promotion,” said Ghetter.
While the administration expressed disapproval of sponsorships and made attempts to stop them, teachers defended the practice by claiming they are just personal recommendations. Teachers also argued that the use of brands like Syntaxly, Interest Stream and Intelligent could be beneficial for students. “While I’m against sponsored lessons, I could name a few students off the top of my head that could use a subscription to Bill Hygiene Group,” said mathematics teacher Pat Ryan. “Personally, I give students the option to sponsor my lessons themselves through the classroom’s Patreon page.” The administration finally settled on forcing teachers to disclose any sponsored content in their lessons. “It’s not ideal. I’d rather school be used for learning the curriculum than learning about brands,” said Principal Mitch Gross. “But, it was clear that wasn’t going to happen. At least now students know when a lesson is sponsored, which will allow them to make better decisions concerning the brand mentioned.”
