Flight 828

Aaron Porter

I get asked the same question a lot

What does dysphoria feel like?

It can feel like a lot of different things

It can feel like you’re dying

Or perhaps flying 30,000 feet in the air.

You know the plane is going to crash.

You know you don’t have a parachute.

You know you don’t have a lifejacket.

And you know that there is a slim chance of survival.

Dysphoria for me is like drowning

No air is getting to your lungs

You’re afraid.

You panic

You thrash

You scream

But no one is there to save you.

They only watch you struggle.

You may encounter a lifeguard

But by then it’s too late.

The water is already in your lungs.

You know there’s no hope.

Some days there is a lifeguard on duty

And they see you drowning so they pull you out of the water

Press their hands on your bare chest and

Push the salt water from your lungs.

They bring you back to the crushing reality

You’re not you

You’re still alive and

Still pretending to be someone else.

Sometimes you wish the salt had succeeded.

I can’t exactly say what my dysphoria feels like

I can’t explain the pain it makes me feel

Or the thoughts it sends through my head

Sometimes it would be easier to show them

But even then, how?

How would you do it?

You can’t show someone something they

Don’t believe in

Something they think is fake or stupid.

For attention.

The only way to show you or tell you

What my dysphoria is like

Is to put you in my shoes.

But even then

You still wouldn’t understand.