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Where are you going tonight?
CHICAGO
WIN T SE
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What in the World is TBOX Anyway?
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BARTENDER OF THE MONTH
LIZ
WILD GOOSE 4265 N. LINCOLN 773.213.4597
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r u o y s ’ o wh orite fav nder? e t r ba
VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE NOVEMBER BARTENDERS Go to
facebook.com/wassupxtramagazine ‘Like’ the page and ‘Like’ or comment on the bartenders photo or text 773.288.9400 or vote @ www.whatsupxta.com The winner will receive a 6 hour limo bus from LIMOSALIVE.NET for 24 of their friends.
Bartender: Joe & Marge
Bartender: Rob & Heidi
Trinity Pub 5943 N Northwest Hwy, Chicago
Will's Northwoods Inn 3030 N Racine Ave, Chicago Signature Drink: Little Black Dress
Signature Drink: Cranberry Sauce
Ingredients: Bacardi Black Razz, OJ, Sprite, Grenadine, Sour
Ingredients: Rumplemintz Berry, Peach Schnapps, Cranberry Juice
Words of Wisdom: “The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid.”
Words of Wisdom: "It's good for two things... turkey and taking the paint off a Buick!"
OCTOBER BARTENDER OF THE MONTH IS... CONGRATULATIONS
LIZ
FROM WILD GOOSE
4265 N. LINCOLN
“A bartender is a temporary pharmacist with a limited inventory” Rules: All service employees are eligible to win. The service employee who receives the most votes in the month wins. You can submit your vote by texting (773) 288-9400 or go to facebook.com/whatsupxtramagazine “like” our page and vote under the bartender’s photo or go to www.whatsupxtra.com
*The Pub Crawl will begin at the employee of the months bar and the limo bus will accommodate 24 passengers. Gratuity not included and must be paid prior to service
Only one vote is counted per person and voting polls close on November 20th.
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Are you currently looking for a part-time opportunity? What’s Up Xtra Magazine is looking for Sales Associates, Photographers, and Writers to join our dynamic team. Qualified candidates must be outgoing, professional and enjoy meeting new people. If you are interested in hearing more about these opportunities, please contact us at 773-288-9400 or email us at whatsupxtra.com. Serious inquiries only please.
TBOX 2012 TICKET EXTRAVAGANZA
What’s Up Xtra Magazine has teamed up with TBOX and is giving away 5 pairs of tickets to this year’s event. Do you have what it takes to survive the biggest and best 19 hour bar crawl in the world? Go to our facebook page and click on the cover photo and “Like” for your chance to win! Winners will be contacted via email and must respond with 3 days to receive your free ticket code. Must “Like” our page to be entered in the drawings. Drawings will be held November 6, 12, 18, 24, 30.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
OUR ST A FF keith romack publisher
3 bartender of the month 8 news of interest
Lisa romack Sales Director
9 book review 12 ask the wino
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JUNE 2012 BEER GARDENS WHAT’S UP THIS MONTH
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13 sudoku crossword puzzle
Robert Christiansen Column Writer
14 are you smarter than chester 16 fight card xtra
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20 tattle tales
jon obert editor
22 word find Check us out online - Read the magazine, Photos & More... www.whatsupxtra.com
Front page photo taken at Carol’s Pub by Lisa Romack The name What’s Up Xtra Magazine is a registered trade name, and use of this name is strictly prohibited. The contents of this publication are copyrighted What’s Up Xtra Chicago Magazine -2012 We encourage our readers to write their stories, send photos, and make comments. All submissions sent to us by phone, email, fax, or handwritten become the property of What’s Up Xtra Chicago Magazine.
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24 lala's love letters
Suzi Lichner Contributing jokester
22/27 events calendar 29 riddle of the month 30 more out & about photos CHECK OUT
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lauren strec contributing writer We are always on the lookout for dynamic writers, photographers and sales staff to contribute to our publication If you are interested in joining our team or interested in advertising opportunities contact us at 773-288-9400 or email: whatsupxtra@yahoo.com WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM
Kelly’s Pub VISIT US AT KELLYSPUB.COM
949 W. WEBSTER
773- 281- 0656
Sunday:
$15 Miller Lite Buckets & $3 Lagunitas Draft
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($2 of every bucket donated to Gams Wolfpac Alzheimer’s Foundation)
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COME WATCH IOWA Wednesday: $2 Bud Light & Coors Light Drafts, HAWKEYES $3 Craft Drafts & $5 Premium Drafts
25th Class Reunion
“View change as the one constant in your life. Expect it; welcome it.” - Denis Waitley, business author
A husband and wife went to their High Schools 25th Reunion on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor living it large. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, step dancing, and just having a good old time. The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy dancing? Twenty-five years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Her husband responds, "It looks like he's still celebrating! “ FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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NOVEMBER SPECIALS
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Beer of the Month: $4 Sam Adam’s Octoberfest Pints Shot of the Month: $3 FIREBALL CINNAMON WHISKEY Cocktail of the Month: $3 Oak & Coke (Bacardi Oakheart & Coke)
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PARTY ROOM AVAILABLE FOR ALL EVENTS! - CALL J.R. 773-281-1205
The Definition
The kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.
When called upon the first student says "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said "Well that isn't entirely correct because sometimes it's gray and cloudy". Another student says" Grass is definitely green". Teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct". Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher replied, "No, and that is not a suitable question for class discussion". The student replies, "Then I definitely crapped my pants". FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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News How Police Officers (and You) Can Spot a Texting Driver
What in the World is TBOX Anyway?
TBOX stands for…(T)welve (B)ars (O)f (X)mas…
an annual event held the 2nd Saturday in December each year in the Wrigleyville Neighborhood of Chicago. It started out as just another Pub Crawl, but over the years has evolved into one of the largest and most spectacular events of its kind in the world. The event was founded in 1996 by Chicagoan Christopher Festa as a “just for fun” event for a few of his friends from work. Over the years, TBOX has grown from about 60 people at its inception to an estimated 16,000+ participants in 2011. TBOX2012 is being held on Saturday, December 8, 2012.
Texting while driving is illegal in 39 states and the District of Columbia. In most of those states, it's a primary enforcement violation, meaning the officer can stop a motorist solely for texting while driving, says the Governors Highway Safety Association. The laws are having an unintended consequence. Instead of holding the phone up by their face, violators are putting it down in their laps. They think officers, cops and troopers won't be able to see it, says the National Troopers Coalitions, which has 45,000 members. The troopers say these texters are more dangerous because their eyes are off the road for a longer time, but they are just as easy to spot. Generally, they act like drunk drivers, going too fast or too slow for the traffic, weaving or not paying attention when the light turns red or green. Sometimes their heads are down and only one hand is on the wheel. Officers advise motorists to give plenty of space to a texter, because he's an accident waiting to happen. Texters are 23 times more likely to be involved in an accident than non-texting drivers. If you spot a very dangerous driver, call 911. Police say you should never confront the individual. That's where road rage could begin. A 2009 study showed that sending a text or email takes a driver's eyes off the road for an average of 4.6 seconds. That's about how long it takes a vehicle going 55 mph to cover the length of a football field.
Happy Thanksgiving
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Originally a sequential tour of 12 bars (based of course on the “12 Days of Christmas” carol), TBOX is now an all-day event, starting at 8:00am and “rocks out” until the bars close their doors. The event that runs for 19 hours and encompasses over 36 bars in the Wrigley area is an event that you must experience to believe. Since 2007, the event has started and ended with Opening and Closing Ceremonies and a finale party at the world-famous Cubby Bear at 1059 W Addison. The event is now owned and produced by Festa Parties Incorporated, and tickets go on sale beginning in late August at www. festaparties.com/buytbox. Make sure to reserve your spot for this year’s biggest party of the season and don’t forget to pick up your Participant Kit (Gym Bag, T-Shirt, Badge, Lanyard, Schedule Card, Coupons, Stickers, and other included items) so you are ready for a day you won’t forget. See you there!
SEE PAGE 31
NBA May Sell Ad Space on Players' Jerseys National Basketball Association's Adam Silver has announced plans to allow a 2.5-inch by 2.5-inch ad just below the left shoulder on team jerseys. With formal approval expected, the move will create a windfall for the NBA, generating as much a $100 million in revenue per team each year. If the deal is formalized, other American big-four sports will likely follow. European soccer clubs have had sizable corporate logos on their uniforms for decades, bringing huge incomes.
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Resilience: Why Things Bounce Back
BOOK REVIEW
Written by Andrew Zolli and Ann Marie
The New Science of Resilience Gives Answers to Some Basic Questions In these times of constant change, scientists, business leaders, and ordinary citizens like you have begun to wonder if they are subject to forces beyond their control or can they create "shock absorbers" for their communities and the economy. In their new book, Resilience: Why Things Bounce Back, Andrew Zolli and Ann Marie Healy say the answers to these questions are shaping a new field of inquiry. It's focused on the ability of people and systems to maintain their core integrity and purpose amid unforeseen shocks and surprises. Zolli curates PopTech, a forum about innovation. Healy is a playwright, which accounts for the book's effective use of metaphor to explain complex issues. The authors encourage adaptation, agility and cooperation. They say the approach can help you weather disruptions and come to a different way of engaging with the world. Zolli and Healy tell about scientific discoveries, social and ecological innovations. They share insights on how to bolster your own psychological resilience, how to foster greater adaptability within your community and help in the development of more resilient organizations. Dan Ariely, Professor of Psychology and Behavioral Economics at Duke University, says, "Resilience teaches you that being strong is not about doing one thing well. It is about utilizing flexibility, redundancy and variety. Zolli and Healy help you understand the importance of planning for the future, even if it means giving up some short-term gains." Amazon reviewers say the book is optimistic and eye opening. It sheds light on why systems, people, and communities fall apart and how they learn to bounce back.
Resilience: Why Things Bounce Back by Andrew Zolli and Ann Marie Healy, Free Press. FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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New Chicago Reality Show Coming Soon
Patrick Anderson
316 W Grand Chicago's River North 312-316-1171
www.patrickanderson.us “Specializing in Blond Haircolor”
Certifiably Organic Haircolor
Limos Alive, Chicago's premier limousine service in Chicago is embarking on a new adventure; a reality show right here in the "Windy City".
Professional Hairdresser was recently named as one of the “Top Haircolorists in the USA.” From his salon in the River North area near The Loop and the Magnificent Mile, he provides clients with professional hair color, cutting and styling based on 40 years of far-reaching experience, including training at the Vidal Sassoon Academy in London. His extensive professional credits include features in Modern Salon, Passion, Inspire and American Salon magazines.
“If you are going to achieve excellence in big things, you develop the habit in little matters. Excellence is not an exception, it is a prevailing attitude.” - Charles R. Swindoll, author, founder of "Insight for Living"
Limos Alive is a family limousine party bus rental business located in the Chicago area offering exceptional Chicago party bus rental with expert fun drivers to make sure you have a safe, comfortable, fun ride whatever your needs. Whether it's a birthday party with 8 of your closest friends to a football tailgating party for 40 of your co-workers, you can count on Limos Alive to make sure your event is a safe and memorable one. In 2012, Limos Alive also started working with Bar Crawl Chicago and many downtown Chicago night spots to offer the best all inclusive limousine party bus and drink packages that Chicago has to offer. On October 18th Limos Alive held a casting call at McFadden's in Chicago where potential candidates were interviewed by a casting team to see if they had what it takes to bring the new show to life. The reality series may be featured on Mav.tv as the Pilot and is also being pitched to True TV and MTV in January at the Reel screen conference. The pilot episode will be taped in Chicago very soon, so next time you are in the city look for the reality TV “Party Bus” at your favorite watering hole!
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“Let us remember that, as much has been given us, much will be expected from us, and that true homage comes from the heart as well as from the lips, and shows itself in deeds.” - Theodore Roosevelt, 26th President of the United States
Fri:
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Twins
There were these two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John and stated, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about the boat, said, "Hell no, fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her, she was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The damn fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the damn middle!!!" The old woman fainted.
The Pickle Worker This couple comes to a new town and the guy gets a job at the local pickle factory. A few years go by and each year he wins the employee of the year award. One day in the third year, he comes home looking all depressed. His wife asks him what the matter is, to which he responds that he got fired. "FIRED?! How can you get fired, you're always employee of the year!" she asked, stunned. To this he responds that he had another fantasy that he needed to fulfill and it got him fired. "Oh no, not again, what did you do this time?" she asks. “Well, I always fantasized about sticking my willy in the pickle slicer.” "You didn't!" she hoped. He blushed and replied, "Well, yes I did." Then she asks, "Did it hurt?" "No not really," answers the man. Puzzled, she then asks, "Well what happened to the pickle slicer?" He answers, "Oh, she got fired too!"
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Ask The Wino... Wino: Cherry Palatino Smells like: A Summers Eve Douche Likes: Bikini Waxes and Genital Piercings Dislikes: Dogs that hump your leg
Alisha the Receptionist asks: I've had a weight problem my whole life and right now I'm the heaviest I've ever been. I've tried dieting and exercising but the pounds won't budge. Please help me, I'm desperate. Wino: Normally I don't waste my time with fat ass whiners, but since you sound desperate I suppose I'll throw you a bone. Screw "eating right" or exercising, here's whatcha do. Smoke. I smoke more than a fourteen year old runway model and it just looks cool. Drink. I drink so much that my liver is probably the size of Dolly Parton's titties. Everyone says that alcohol is fattening, but they're all liars. Booze doesn't have any fat if you down 6 gin and tonics in less than an hour last thing you want to do is eat. In fact, you'll probably blow chunks. And of course there's always cocaine, my favorite low-calorie sweetener. Other than a nosebleed here and there, it's never done me no harm. Good luck! Freddie the Department Head asks: I've got a real dilemma that I hope you can help me with. I'm one of three department heads in a large office. I work closely with another department head, "Sue". She wants to be a lot more than co-workers, and aside from the possibility of being fired, I'm not attracted to this woman at all. Any advice? Wino: Oh you gorgeous hunk of man flesh, please pay attention. Everyone knows that the workplace is like a steamy bath house full of sexual intrigue and innuendo. So my advice: Drop a little note to "Sue" instructing her to meet you at your cubicle after-hours. When she does, bend her over that Xerox machine, hike up her skirt, rip those control top pantyhose off her and plow that dimpled ass! I know you said you weren't attracted to her, but that's the beauty of this particular position, you don't have to look at her face. Dottie the Grandmother asks: I'm 65 and the proud grandmother of three wonderful grandchildren. My son and daughter-in-law both work full time and I take care of my grandchildren while they work. Now, I love my grandkids and they're good kids, but they're running me ragged. What can I do to cope? Wino: If there's one thing that brings joy to my heart, it's the sound of happy children playing. Except when they're playing in front of my home when I'm trying to sleep it off. Your son and daughter in law are inconsiderate clods, but they're certainly not stupid like you. This really is simple. Feed the little darlings some pudding or yogurt at snack-time, add some crushed up Benedryl and In less than twenty minutes they'll be fast asleep facedown in the tapioca. WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM
Friendliest Staff In Town! FAT ASS TRIVIA TUESDAYS 8PM CASH PRIZES SATURDAY COLLEGE FOOTBALL: POUND OF WINGS AND PITCHER $15
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SUDOKU
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No Longer Running From the Revenuers: Moonshine Races Into Mainstream
Are You Smarter Than CHESTER “The Sock Monkey”? 1. The first department store to hold a Thanksgiving parade was…Montgomery Wards, J.C. Penney’s, Gimbel’s, or Macy’s? 2. Butterball says that once a turkey is done, you should let it stand for 15 minutes before serving…So you don’t burn your tongue when you eat it, it’s easier to eat it, to let the aroma spread through the house, or to let the stuffing cool a bit before you take it out? 3. Which President was the first to establish Thanksgiving as a legal national holiday to be held the 4th Thursday in November…Abraham Lincoln, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Thomas Jefferson, or James Madison? 4. The term “Cornucopia” means…Tall Corn, Greek God of Corn, Horn of Plenty, A Traditional New England Relish? 5. The Pilgrims took beer with them on their voyage…True or False? 6. Before being harvested and sold, an individual cranberry must bounce how many inches high to make sure they are not too ripe…1 inch, 2 inches, 3 inches, or 4 inches?
When you saw movies of Southern boys in fast cars trying to outrun the revenuers, you wondered what all the hoopla was about and why moonshine was so coveted. Maybe you wanted to taste it yourself. Well, now you can. You can walk into a liquor store and buy a bottle of the mysterious Southern brew. But be careful when you drink it. One version is made by Prichard's Distillery in Kelso, Tenn., whose Lincoln County Lightning topped Southern Living's list of the five best moonshines. Being legal hasn't decreased the mystique of the stuff. On the Discovery channel, a new season of "Moonshiners" has started. It averages 4.3 million viewers each week.
7. Which was the first balloon in the 1927 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade…Mickey Mouse, Felix the Cat, Betty Boop, or Superman? 8. Turkeys can drown if they look up in the rain…True or False? 9. The Mayflower was not built to be a transportation ship for people. What was the original purpose it was built for…As a merchant ship to carry wine, as a fishing ship, or as a ship to get spices from the Far East? 10. Back in the early Thanksgiving celebrations, they also liked sporting events and took bets. Of course there was no football back then so which sport were they betting on… Shooting, Archery, Knife Throwing, or Cornhole?
HBO's "Boardwalk Empire" is into its new season. The series is set in the prohibition era when shine reigned. The show has a huge following.
Sales of the clear corn whiskey, traditionally made in the hallows of Appalachia, are being bottled by big distillers and sales are soaring. A lot of people want a taste, but after hearing the bells, repeat sales probably won't be high.
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Answers 4. Horn of Plenty 5. True. In fact, John Alden was a cooper that made the barrels. 6. 4 inches. 7. Felix the Cat. 8. True. 9. as a merchant ship to carry wine. 10. They had shooting contests.
We don't know how much shine LaBeouf had to drink for his role. But if you want to sample a bottle, remember that if you start hearing bells, you've had enough.
1. Gimbel’s in Philadelphia in 1920. 2. To let the stuffing cool to 165 for better serving temperature. 3. Abraham Lincoln proclaimed it, but it was Franklin D. Roosevelt that signed a bill into Congress making it an official Federal Holiday.
Movie actor Shia LaBeouf drank moonshine for his role as a bootlegger in "Lawless." He says it's an entirely different drink, "You start hearing bells, and your hearing changes." He claims it becomes hallucinatory, says USA Today.
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Little Ralphy on Math A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Ralphy.
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He replies, “None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”
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The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.” Then little RALPHY says, “I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?” The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”
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To which Little RALPHY replied, “The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.”
NOV
1 ED # VOT TE BAR NI Y LATE ICAGO B OM H IN C ICAGO.C H C NBC
Carol’s Kitchen serves Hot Sandwiches Late!
DRINK - MARTINI - SHOT by Lisa Romack
Gobble-Tini
Angry Caramel Apple Pie
16 oz Angry Orchard Hard Cider 1 oz Stoli Salted Caramel Vodka Caramel Graham Cracker Crumbs Directions: Rim a chilled pint glass with caramel and Graham Cracker Crumbs and fill with the cider. Swirl the top with the Stoli Salted Caramel Vodka. Tastes just like a caramel apple pie...but with a kick!
Smashing Pumpkin Shot
1.25 oz Smirnoff Cranberry Vodka .25 oz Raspberry Liqueur .5 oz Cranberry Juice
.5 oz Kahlua .5 oz Bailey’s Irish Cream .5 oz Goldschlager
Directions: Fill shaker with ice and add Smirnoff Cranberry Vodka, Raspberry Liqueur, and Cranberry Juice. Shake vigorously and strain into a martini glass. Garnish with 3 cranberries on a stick and serve with a turkey dinner...or just because!
Directions: Add Kahlua, Bailey's, and Goldschlager to an ice filled shaker and shake. Pour into shot glasses. Top with a bit of 151and light on fire for a dramatic effect!
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www.FightCard.net Want to Compete? Contact Nilo @ 312.369.4180
TWO NEW FIGHTCARD CHAMPS On September 29th, Fight Card Entertainment put together an allout action packed night of fights with FIGHTCARD46: NO MERCY. The fights emphasized all aspects of Mixed Martial Arts; from precision stand up battles to executed ground games with each fight playing out as a strategic chess match for the MMA fanatic. In a back and forth fight between VICTORY's Shane Schubbe and Team 110's Rafael Reyes, the match proved to be the claiming Fight of the Night. Also, the crowning two Champions, Chepe Mariscal for 155lb and defending champion Yousef Al-Ghoul for 170lb made NO MERCY everything the fans had expected. Check out videos from the night at www.youtube.com/fightcardnet.
Chepe Mariscal
JOE'S BAR TO CLOSE OFF 2012
EC
R T BA ’S REE E T O S J @ EED W on
D Azamat Shogenov
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The boys at FIGHTCARD prove to be the "Main Event" as the year 2012 comes to a close with the last MMA event of the year hosted by Joe's Bar on Weed Street on Thursday, December 6th. Ready to headline the 47th event is the 135lb FIGHTCARD Champion Azamat Shogenov. Shogenov, one of the fastest and most technical fighters out of Russia, plans on successfully defending his throne right in the heart of downtown Chicago. Don’t miss this spectacular year end event and get your MMA fix with over 10 match ups on the card. Tickets will be available online at www.FightCard.net.
RING GIRL INQUIRY? Email Brian@FightCard.net
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Sick Leave Wong Chow calls into work and says, “I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.” The boss says, “You know something, Wong Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.” Two hours later Wong Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.”
Coffee Station Flirt
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female coworker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy. The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice?" She says "It's Jimmie, The midget."
INDIANS DON'T USE SADDLES... A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-aa-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-eh-a-a-a-a!' and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
BELIEVE OR NOT
Love, Love, Love... Classic This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.
Then he turned to his bride and said, “F--- you!” Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, “I'm outta here.”
It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge? Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's family and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, '”F---you!”
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Do you think we might get a MasterCard “priceless” commercial out of this? It would go something like this… Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000. Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion: $3,000. Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodation in Maui : $8,500. The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless. There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD . WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM
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TAT T L E TA L E S
Tide Waits For No One Hilery and I are in the apartment, watching an old show she likes called Fawlty Towers. She arrived here on Saturday from Texas. I rise from the couch we’re sitting on and go into my room for a onehundred dollar bill earmarked for rent. Through my window, the disappointing Florida room, devoid of plant life, has never lived By Rob Christiansen up to its potential. It’s been the “keg” room ever since Dave’s law school graduation party. Hilery made it to the party, delayed as it was until the 4th of July weekend while she was on R&R from Army training. She brought her riding gear because Dave had told her I’m a horseman. Actually, I’m a carriage driver. Dave apologized to Hilery, and I gave them a ride on Michigan Avenue. I bring a mirror from the bathroom to the kitchen. I lift the Tide from the pantry floor with two hands starting from squat, relying on my legs for strength. My back school sensei would be pleased. He would also remind me to practice proper lifting techniques 24 hours a day. Your best value is the biggest box of detergent. Hilery opened it, but it still weighs about 28 pounds. A second horse kicked me with his knee on the left side of my back Sunday afternoon while I was bent down outside the barn, picking mud out of my horse’s hoof. Dave said it was a conspiracy and the horses should be investigated. I put Tide on the mirror, toss the teaspoon in the sink and grab a knife. We all snort “toot” and I’m practicing because my dealer is locked up. Actually, the only drugs I take are Excedrin for headaches and Ibuprofen for back pain. Later, I told Dave I didn’t know why I pulled a stunt like this on his ex-classmate. It appears that I’m carrying a cafeteria tray. The atomic number of the element of surprise is off the chart, but its half-life is short. When I lower the horizontal mirror within Hilery’s line of sight, she’s aghast. Hilery is a straight shooter, literally a marksman, and apparently the only games she ever played were moot court and pugil sticks. She was a private first class until she was discharged due to a preexisting condition she had kept secret. Her legs aren’t the same length, not that anyone would notice. When she decided she wanted out of the Army, she complained of foot pain to a physical therapy instructor and was reexamined by a doctor. The takeaway is that she tried law school, joined the Army, was medically discharged, and she doesn’t use drugs. She calms down and asks me, “Does Dave know?”
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Dave worked at a convenience store once and ducked when a man aimed a gun at him one night. Dave magnificently threw a fist-sized rock he kept on a shelf near the register. The gunman was on drugs and stood stupidly for a minute, bleeding profusely from his mouth, with all his teeth broken and the rock stuck deep in his throat, before collapsing. Dave agreed to a drug test and was cleared by police. “No, and please don’t tell him,” I say. I cut the detergent into messy lines with the butter knife and tell her that “cocaine has always been ‘round my brain.” I offer her a hit, but “she don’t like…cocaine.” I mock my ‘hundred, using it as a conveyance up my nose. Then I lean forward until I almost trade places with my reflection. I sneeze. She says, “God made you sneeze.” She’s preaching to the choirboy who’ll sing once he gets his foot out of his mouth. I go wash up, return to the couch, grab the mirror off the coffee table, and clean it on my lap. She asks, “Didn’t you just waste a lot of money?” Instead of saying, “It was nothing to sneeze at,” I say, “I’m out $200.” The Windex-soaked paper towel goes up and down the mirror and makes comforting, squishy sounds. Fawlty Towers is interesting. I’m not really out $200. I’m still able to work. Hilery cooks and helps with laundry. Life is good. She asks, “Does your mother know?” I say, “No.” I’m being unfair despite the mirror declaring me “the fairest in the land.” Not only do I deceive Hilery, I derive an unexpected benefit from her questions because they are, in fact, the fastest way to this man’s heart without going through his stomach, although her meatloaf is to die for. I consider kissing her, but that would be unwise since she’s Dave’s girlfriend and we all cohabitate. I set the mirror and the bottle of Windex next to a lamp on an end table and get up and fetch the vacuum cleaner. I plug it in and vacuum our jeans as we’re standing up. I vacuum the couch, coffee table and floor area, and put the machine away. “Dave has to know,” she says seriously as I walk back from the closet. “I should call him. You shouldn’t live with us.” It can’t be because I vacuumed her jeans. They look better now. I ask Hilery to walk ahead of me into the kitchen, where the Tide stands guiltily on the counter, its reputation stained. I explain my joke while running my fingers through the pure white “snow.” She believes me, but I have to beg her to lick the teaspoon. “The horse must’ve kicked you in the head,” she says, and she drops the spoon back in the sink. Any feelings I had for Hilery disappeared like the powder then. If only I had tried to kiss her after cleaning the mirror I might have changed the course of mighty rivers. She and Dave lasted less than a year after that anyway. She reminded me of Goldie Hawn.
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La La’s Love Letters
Dear La La, I read your column every month and I get the feeling you are a very passionate woman. I have to ask, if you had to be an animal for one week, which animal would you choose to be? And what would you do? Zookeeper
By Lauren Strec
Dear Zookeeper, I would be a male lion: I’d sleep all day, wake up and bang all the lionesses, then have them bring me dinner.
Dear La La, My girlfriend and I were fooling around last week and right in the middle of “it” she let out a huge fart. I tried to just ignore it, but I think she was really embarrassed and has been avoiding me ever since. I’m not quite sure if I should talk about it. What is the most embarrassing moment you have ever had in your life? Beans Bareall Dear Beans Bareall, Wow, that would be really embarrassing, and I don’t blame her for shying away. I think if you just let it blow over, it will still leave a white elephant in the room. I would talk it out, to help her get over it. I suggest GENTLY poking fun at her about it, to break the ice, and then ease into the fact that we all pass gas. I will be impressed if you cap off the conversation by tearing ass in front of her, to even up the score. Overall, she has to face the music, and humor, in my opinion, is the best way to get over it. Dear La La, My boyfriend is not a very good dresser and sometimes I hate going out with him in public. I try to buy him stylish outfits, but he complains that I am trying to feminize him. I appreciate his manliness, but how can I get him to take more interest in his appearance? Looking Good Dear Looking Good, Is it just a lack of taste, or are we talking about a hygiene issue here? If his clothes are pit-stained and he’s been wearing the same drawers for a couple days, I can understand your contempt.
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But if he just doesn’t care about fashion, then you shouldn’t be trying to change him. If you’re focusing on something superficial, I think you need to really think about your love for this person. If it’s a matter of swaying him to wear something more appropriate for the occasion or venue, then I would suggest bringing up the ensemble in conversation, with a corresponding compliment, before you go out: “Hey remember that black shirt I bought you? I was thinking about how sexy you look in it… you should wear it tonight.” If he goes along with it, be sure to reiterate it throughout the night (“Damn, you look soooo good.”), but be sure to NOT gloat or nag (“See? I told you…,” You look better like this…”). Think about positive reinforcement and motivation. Give him a treat at the end of the night: he did something for you, now return the favor. I bet after that, he will be more inclined to wear the [shirt] that you like. Dear La La, I try to talk turn to my boyfriend when I need advice or emotional support and he just doesn’t seem to show much interest. He tells me to go and talk to my girlfriends about my problems! I don’t feel he is being very supportive of my needs. Any suggestions? Confused Dear Confused, If you are complaining about a catty co-worker, or how the girl at the coffee shop never gets your order right, then save it for the ladies. Guys don’t think the same way as women, so most “women” stories are unrelatable and make them want to stab their own eyes. But if have a serious issue that requires support, and this guy is not there for you, then ditch him. I get that some guys may be a little more testosterone-filled, and may not be the “emotional type.” However, any macho guy will still have the back of the woman he cares about, even if it is behind closed doors. Clearly and seriously express that you need him to be there. If he blows you off, after you have communicated the gravity of the topic at hand, then blow him off.
Lauren Strec is a media host and blogger, and you can follow her at Facebook.com/LaurenStrec. WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM
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UPCOMING EVENTS: NOVEMBER & DECEMBER Thanksgiving and Christmas, like most holidays, can often be a hectic time. We are inevitably faced with stressful situations including overindulging on sweets, long travel excursions, planning the “perfect” meal and a heap of other anxieties that accompany extended periods of time spent with a variety of relatives we prefer in “small doses”. To take the edge off of the imminently long weekend of family, football, and fat clothes, Chicagoans often begin the holiday frenzy by turning to a night of boozing with friends affectionately referred to as "Black Wednesday”. There are also a number of events and venues throughout the city offering entertainment and sometimes free admission that will help to keep the stresses of the season in perspective. Here are just a few suggestions to help get you merrily on your way! The Museum of Science and Industry 5700 S Lake Shore Drive 11/5 & 12/3/2012. The only museum in the Western Hemisphere devoted strictly to science, is offering free admission for Illinois residents on November 5th and December 3rd. Visit www.msichicago.org for more info. The Shedd Aquarium 1200 S Lake Shore Drive 11/5,6,12,13,19,20,26,27/2012 Located on the stunning Museum Campus, the aquarium offers free days for Illinois Residents November 5, 6, 12, 13, 19, 20, 26, and 27. Visit www.sheddaquarium.org for more info. XFO 46 Hoffman Estates (Sears Centre Arena) 11/17/2012 (Doors open at 5pm) The main event will be Adam Maciejewskie versus Miodrag Petkovich, two fighters with proven track records of being in firefights. Amateur fights start at 5:30pm, Pro fights start at 8pm. Visit www. xfomma.com for ticket prices and info. The Magnificent Mile Lights Festival N Michigan, from Wacker to Oak 11/17/2012 (5:30pm; parade kicks off at 6pm) For over 50 years now, The Magnificent Mile Lights Festival has kicked off the holiday season in Chicago. Over a million lights on trees up and down North Michigan Avenue will be illuminated at this magical holiday celebration hosted by Mickey, Minnie and their friends from Disney Parks. Enjoy exciting marching bands, gigantic balloons, celebrity appearances and more, culminating in a spectacular fireworks show over the Chicago River. Free. Visit www.themagnificentmile.com for more info. Best Decorated Bar in Chicago Augie’s Booze & Schmooze 1721 W. Wrightwood - SEE BACK PAGE FOR DATES November 20th - January 5th
If you haven’t experienced Augie’s Bar Decor this is a must for you. Augie’s bar is draped with lights and ornaments from floor to ceiling and completed with a train circling the bar from above. Stop by have a holiday drink and soak in the season, you’ll love it. See the back page of this magazine for their special events
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Tree Lighting Ceremony Washington & Dearborn (Daley Plaza) 11/21/2012 (Music begins @ 4:30pm; Tree will be lit @ 5pm) The City of Chicago presents the official start of the holiday season with the 99th Annual Tree Lighting Ceremony, a highly-anticipated event drawing people of all ages to the heart of Chicago’s downtown “Loop.” Free. Bikes and Burlesque Show 4000 N Sheridan (Holiday Club) 11/21/2012 (9pm) This show, hosted by Saucy Jack, combines burlesque and motorcycles with featured female performers from Vaudezilla. Free. Christkindlmarket Chicago 50 W Washington (Daley Plaza) 11/21-12/24/2012 (Th-Sn 11am-8pm, F-S 11am-9pm, Special Holiday Hours) The largest traditional Christmas market outside of Europe since 1996, this cultural event hosts vendors offering a wide range of products, from hand-crafted ornaments, toys and gifts, to traditional German food, sweets and beverages. The market transforms Daley Plaza into a holiday village complete with Santa’s house and candy cane striped booths. Christkindlmarket is host to live entertainment and performances throughout the 34-day event. Each day a vendor’s gift item is featured and the lucky visitor gets to keep the gift as a prize. Free. Visit www.christkindlmarket.com for more info. Black Wednesday at Porkchop 941 W. Randolph (Porkchop) 11/21/2012 (11:30 am-2am) For the serious Black Wednesday celebrators, Porkchop is doling out $5 PBRs with a whiskey shot and $3 Crazy Train shots, served to the tunes of local punk rock band The Frantic. Hop on the crazy train and you may be able to coast your buzz through Thanksgiving dinner. Cover: No cover. Stranded Student" discount at Jack's 2856 N. Southport (Jack’s Bar) 11/21/2012 (5pm-2am) Couldn't make it to an out-of-town dinner this year? Drown your sorrows with Jack's Bar and Grill's "stranded student" discount, where they'll give you 50 percent off on your comfort food and sorrow-drowning drinks with a valid student I.D. Cover: None Wild Turkey Day at Bridge Bar 315 N. LaSalle (Bridge Bar) 11/21/2012 (5pm-11pm) You can knock your whole Thanksgiving celebration out in one night at Bridge Bar's Wild Turkey Black Wednesday party. Dine on turkey burgers topped with cranberry sauce and wash it down with $2 Wild Turkey shots and $3 you-call-its. Black Wednesday at Nacional 27 325 W Huron (Nacional 27) 11/21/2012 (5pm-9:30pm) Thursday's guaranteed to be rife with American-style cuisine, so why not spend the night before dining on dishes from south of the border? Specials at Nacional 27 Wednesday $15 turkey taquitos with cranberry salsa, $5 red and white sangria glasses and $15 sangria pitchers. No cover.
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Turkey Testicle Festival 3352 N Halsted (D.S. Tequila Company) 11/21/2012 (6pm-2am) Tequila can make you do crazy things--but would you eat a turkey testicle? Push your limits at D.S. Tequila Company's county fair-themed party, complete with games, prizes and $12 Bud Light pitchers. Black Out Black Wednesday Trolley Crawl 1925 W Cortland (Lottie's Pub) 11/21/2012 (7pm-10pm) One of the only free bar crawls scheduled for Wednesday night starts at Lottie's Pub, with a 7:00 p.m. pickup, then heads to the Pony for an hour-long Hawks viewing party before a final stop at Frontier from 8-10, where a patio campfire will cook free S'mores and Honey badger cocktails, including hot toddies, are $5. Drunksgiving Eve 2600 W Iowa (Archie's Iowa Rockwell Tavern) 11/21/2012 (8pm-2am) Archie’s is celebrating "Chicago's drinkinest night of the year" with their annual Drunksgiving Eve party, featuring hot toddies, apple ciders, whiskey combos for $5 and cheap beer deals. Also: Free Utz cheeseballs, an awesome jukebox, a pool table and boardgames. Chances Dances presents: Cranberry Sauce 1354 W Wabansia (The Hideout) 11/21/2012 (9pm-2am) Trannika Rex, Go-Go Gothic Dancers and Slo 'Mo may not be a part of your Thanksgiving traditions yet, but maybe they should be. Kick off your holiday season with Cranberry Sauce, a queer Chicago dance party with DJs from Chances Dances, Queerer Park, CULT and more. Admission donations will benefit the Critical Fierceness Grant. McDonald's® Thanksgiving Parade State, from Congress to Randolph 11/22/2012 (8-11am) Santa Claus, Ronald McDonald and a cast of thousands bring you the 79th Anniversary of the McDonald's Thanksgiving Parade. Whether you're moving your feet to the melodic carols of marching bands, gazing skyward at the gigantic inflatable helium balloons making their way down the street, or waving at talented entertainers in decorative floats dispensing holiday cheer, there is fun to be had by all at the biggest holiday parade in Chicago. Free. Visit www.chicagofestivals.org for more info. Started in the times of the Great Depression, the Parade has been lifting the spirits of Chicago and bringing the community together in celebration. Over 400,000 people lines the parade route on State Street.
Chicagoland Toys for Tots Motorcycle Parade 83rd & Western (Dan Ryan Woods) 12/2/2012 (Starts @ 9:30am) Chicagoland motorcyclists have joined forces with the United States Marines, to assist their Toys for Tots program. What started among friends has grown into the It is held on the first Sunday in December...rain, snow, or shine. There is only one rule to participate: You must bring a toy and deliver it on a motorcycle. New members $15; renewing members $10 annually. Visit www. chicagolandtft.org for more info. Fightcard 47 940 W Weed (Joe’s on Weed Street) 12/6/2012 (TBA) The boys at FIGHTCARD prove to be the "Main Event" as the year 2012 comes to a close with the last MMA event of the year hosted by Joe's Bar on Weed Street on Thursday, December 6th. Ready to headline the 47th event is the 135lb FIGHTCARD Champion Azamat Shogenov. Shogenov, one of the fastest and most technical fighters out of Russia, plans on successfully defending his throne right in the heart of downtown Chicago. Don’t miss this spectacular year end event and get your MMA fix with over 10 match ups on the card. Tickets will be available online at www.FightCard.net. TBOX 2012 Wrigleyville Neighborhood 12/8/2012 (Starting at 8am) TBOX (SM) stands for… (T)welve (B)ars (O)f (X)mas, an annual event held the Second Saturday in December in the Wrigleyville Neighborhood of Chicago. It started out as just another Pub Crawl, and over the years has evolved into one of the largest and most spectacular events of its kind in the world. The theme of TBOX 2012 is TBOXOPOLY! $10. Visit www.festaparties.com for more information. Chicago Official Bad Santa Bar Crawl 1147 W Armitage 12/15/2012 (12pm-9pm) Deck the Halls, Tuck the kids into bed and don your gayest apparel. BarCrawls.com is bringing you the biggest bar crawl in Chicago and it’s time to get wild. This time Santas is bringing a bag full of drink specials. It doesn't matter if you’ve been naughty or nice because everyone will be drunk. Make sure to leave your sleigh at home and tell Mrs. Claus not to wait up because this crawl will go all day. So grab Christmas by the bells and buy a ticket while you still can. $10. Visit barcrawls.com for more info. Visit www. drinks.barcrawls.com for more info.
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Lincoln Park Zoo Lights 2001 N Clark (Lincoln Park Zoo) 11/23–1/26/2013 Every Friday, Saturday and Sunday through December 11 and starting December 16 through January 1, activities will be offered nightly. Go ahead, try to act tough, but animals and Christmas stuff is adorable. So take some kids as your cover to Lincoln Park Zoo sometime this holiday season to check out the light displays, with over two million bulbs this year, the animals and of course, Santa. Free. Visit Ipzoo.org for more info. FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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November is Lung Cancer Awareness Month Leaders of the November 15th Great American Smokeout ask you to: Help create a world with less cancer and more birthdays. Generally, smokers will have fewer birthdays to look forward to. Tobacco use is the largest preventable cause of premature death in the United States, yet more than 45 million Americans smoke cigarettes. A large percentage of them not only want to quit, but have quit for a day or more in the past year. That's a start; one that the American Cancer Society hopes more smokers will try during The Great American Smokeout. Most people want to avoid pain. Others can't stand it. But those who are having a smoke rarely associate it with the extreme types of pain as-
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sociated with lung cancer. For example, Myasthenic Syndrome causes pain in the muscles, particularly in the joints around the pelvis and thighs, along with muscle weakness and tingling. Dysphagia pain is typical in lung cancer patients. It causes a blockage of the major airway and esophagus, which leads to pain and difficulty in swallowing. These are the obstructions that cause chest pain and wheezing. Encephalopathy, caused by lung cancer, is associated with brain function. It can lead to painful seizures, loss of consciousness, and involuntary rapid eye movement. Lung cancer is also associated with myelopathy, which causes painful bones, bone-marrow pain and abnormal bone growth leading to joint pain. Is today's cigarette worth this whole-body pain? If you quit now, you can be one of the lucky ones who avoid it. WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM
Riddle Ri ddle of the Month
WIN A $25 GIFT CERTIFICATE We are very little creatures; all of us have different features. One of us in glass is set; one of us you’ll find in jet. Another you may see in tin, and a fourth is boxed within. If the fifth you should pursue, it can never fly from you. Text your answers to: 773-288-9400 or e-mail: whatsupxtra@yahoo.com Leave your name, e-mail, and telelphone number. All correct answers go into drawing.
Answer to Last Months Riddle
What is once in a minute, twice in a moment, and never in a thousand years? Answer: M Winner: Michael Maloney
NOVEMBER HOROSCOPE ARIES: November is a prime time for learning new things and acquiring knowledge in fields that have always interested you. Self-study will help target your true strengths. TAURUS: Your innate social talent will be called upon at a large family gathering. As you smooth over family differences, your peacemaking skill will save the day. GEMINI: There will soon be a time when you have an opportunity for self-aggrandizement. Don't be tempted. Show the real you, knowing that you are already grand. CANCER: November is a good month for both status and profit. You will be able to benefit from some advantageous circumstances, so be sure to identify them. LEO: Your optimistic and playful mood shows up this month as you deal creatively with co-workers and come up with new ideas. Set up a lunch with friends. VIRGO: If you can make it to a family Thanksgiving dinner, you will enjoy it. If not, dine with friends or make it a day to pamper yourself and relax. You'll enjoy that too. FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
LIBRA: Options surround you and you feel that you have to make a choice. Don't do it in haste. Consider the pros and cons, and think about what will happen in the future. SCORPIO: Though it's difficult to imagine anyone's way being better than your own right now, you can overcome the difficulty by remaining flexible. Analyze the benefits. SAGITTARIUS: Your internal weather is gorgeous. Even if you are busy at work, part of you is off sailing a ship across a quiet sea. Take a break and come back to reality. CAPRICORN: Leadership is your role this month both at work and at home. Don't be afraid to be spontaneous; your instincts are right on and you'll attract followers. AQUARIUS: Analyze where you went wrong in your finances and move forward with a more logical plan. You can be well off in the future if you plan now. PISCES: A winning attitude might mean saying you're feeling fabulous even when you're not. Look for the good in life and work. Smile first and you'll want to smile later.
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AUGIE’S ANNUAL CHRISTMAS PARTY
C Bu om ffe plim t4 pm enta - 7 ry pm
Saturday December 1st 3pm - 3am
come see chicago’s best & most dazzling christmas decorations november 20th - january 5th
THANKSGIVING DAY Open 4pm - 2am
1721 W. Wrightwood
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Thanksgiving Eve Dance Party Black Wednesday Thanksgiving Eve
Wednesday November 21 DJ 8:30 - 1:30 www.augies.org
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