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facebook.com/whatsupxtramagazine ‘Like’ the page and ‘Like’ or comment on the bartenders photo or text 773.288.9400 The winner will receive a 4 hour limo bus from LIMOSALIVE.NET for 24 of their friends.
Bartender: Tanya
JANUARY BARTENDER OF THE MONTH IS...
Just Us Sports Bar & Grill 8501 S 88th Ave, Justice Signature Drink: Holy Cow Ingredients: Rumchata, Bailey’s, Rumpleminz Words of Wisdom: “Never have any regrets, live lie to the fullest.”
Bartender: Angel The Grove Sports Bar & Grill 6030 W 111th St, Chicago Ridge Signature Drink: Cosmopolitan Ingredients: Citron Vodka, Cointreau, Lime Juice, Cranberry Juice (Shaken not stirred!) Words of Wisdom: “Martinis are like boobs; one’s not enough and three is too many.”
CONGRATULATIONS
Bartender: Suzzane
Mari
Tavern On The West End 6950 W 95th St, Oak Lawn Signature Drink: The Brody Ingredients: Absolute Hibiscus, Blue Curacao, Sweet & Sour Mix, Soda
Demma’s
Words of Wisdom: “In life, things can always be better, but they can always be worse.”
5805 W 87th Oak Lawn
Rules: All service employees are eligible to win. The service employee who receives the most votes in the month wins. You can submit your vote by texting (773) 288-9400 or go to facebook.com/whatsupxtramagazine “like” our page and vote by hitting “like” on the bartender’s photo .
*The Pub Crawl will begin at the employee of the months bar and the limo bus will accommodate 24 passengers. Gratuity not included and must be paid prior to service
Only two votes are counted per person and voting polls close on February 20th.
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We would like to thank all the readers of What’s Up Xtra Magazine for your continued support. The magazine was started over 8 years ago as a small local publication in Chicago and has grown throughout the area, surrounding suburbs , and now into Southern Wisconsin to be one of the most recognized comprehensive local bar directories of its kind. Our “grass root marketing” strategy has proven an effective tool for our publication and is designed to be used as a tool for our readers to plan where they will be spending their afternoons, evenings, and hard earned dollars. Magazines have maintained popularity with readers through the years and have proven that magazine advertising and readership will stand the test of time. We encourage our readers to support your communities and to patronize your local businesses!
TABLE OF CONTENTS
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CHICAGO
JUNE 2012 BEER GARDENS WHAT’S UP THIS MONTH
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keith romack publisher
3 BARTENDER OF THE MONTH 7 all mixed up
Lisa romack Sales Director
8 news of interest 10 OUT AND ABOUT PHOTOS
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Robert Christiansen Column Writer
12 ASK THE WINO 13 HOROSCOPE 14 things to do in FEBRUARY
diane serbentas photographer
17 LETTER TO BAD TIPPERS 20 Sudoku and crossword puzzle
ted phillips photographer
22 are you smarter than chester Check us out online - Read the magazine, Photos & More... www.whatsupxtra.com
Front page photo taken at Chet’s Melody Lounge by Diane Serbentas The name What’s Up Xtra Magazine is a registered trade name, and use of this name is strictly prohibited. The contents of this publication are copyrighted What’s Up Xtra Chicago Magazine -2014 We encourage our readers to write their stories, send photos, and make comments. All submissions sent to us by phone, email, fax, or handwritten become the property of What’s Up Xtra Chicago Magazine.
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24 la las love letters 26 live music corner 28 tales from the chris 30 OUT NAD ABOUT PHOTOS CHECK OUT
Whats UP Xtra Magazine CHICAGO / SOUTHWEST EDITIONS
GO TO FACEBOOK TO SEE & TAG YOUR PHOTOS
Joliet Dave Contributing writer lauren strec contributing writer
We are always on the lookout for dynamic writers, photographers and sales staff to contribute to our publication If you are interested in joining our team or interested in advertising opportunities contact us at 773-288-9400 or email: whatsupxtra@yahoo.com WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM
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“Study while others are sleeping; work while others are loafing; prepare while others are playing; and dream while others are wishing.” - William Arthur Ward, author of For This One Hour, a most-quoted writer
A boy decided to have a dinner with his girlfriend parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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ALL MIXED UP
By Lisa Romack
Agave Kiss Ingredients: • 2 oz Silver Tequila • 1 oz White Crème De Cacao • 1 oz Cream • ½ oz Chambord • White chocolate flakes for rimming • Fresh raspberries for garnish Preparation: 1. Pour the ingredients into a cocktail shaker with ice. 2. Shake for 15 seconds. 3. Pour into a chilled cocktail glass rimmed with white chocolate, add a spear of fresh raspberries, and serve.
Vampire Kiss Martini Ingredients: • 1 ½ oz Vodka • 1 ½ oz Korbel Champagne • ¾ oz Chambord • Red sugar for rimming
Preparation: 1. Rim the glass with red sugar (use food coloring) or drop in a set of wax vampire teeth for a real surprise. 2. Pour vodka and half of the Chambord in a martini glass. 3. Top with Champagne. 4. Pour the remaining Chambord over the back of a spoon to make it float.
Liquid Lust Ingredients: • ½ Bottle Silver Tequila • ½ Bottle White Wine • ½ cup Sugar • 1 oz Orange Juice • 2 oz Cranberry Juice • 2 Oranges (sliced) • 1 Lemon (sliced) • 1 Lime (sliced) • 1 Bunch of grapes (sliced) • 1 Apple (diced) • ½ Liter of club soda Preparation: 1. Combine the tequila, wine, sugar and juices in a punch bowl. 2. Stir until sugar is dissolved. 3. Add ice. 4. Garnish with the fresh fruit.
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News & Stuff
Free Smartphone Some Say The Game Gives Reward NFL Should Look Points For Exercise to Lasers to Mark This game app for iPhone or Android lets you hit "next game" level by logging workouts. The points are awarded based on specific exercises and the workout's intensity. Fitocracy co-founder Brian Wang says you'll get more points for working out with weights, for example, than taking a slow walk in the park. By building up points, you can earn virtual badges and medals. Users often follow friends, offering advice, or giving "props" on workouts, the equivalent to a Like on Facebook. They can also join special groups for diabetics, weight loss, marathon runners, and others.
Moneywise
This is a Good Time to Shop for a Used Car New car buyers are making news as sales in 2013 were on track to exceed 15 million vehicles. So there are about that many trade-ins hitting the market, and many dealers have to cut prices. For shoppers who like to buy a car that's a couple of years old, that's good news. The average used car sold for $15,617 at the end of the third quarter of 2013, which was the lowest price since the same quarter in 2009, according to Edmunds.com, the car-pricing website. Another reason more used cars are on the market: cheap lease deals in 2010 are expiring, and the leased cars are coming back to be sold as used cars. Drivers who held out during the recession and kept their older cars running are now ready to buy again. Auto loan interest rates are still low, and lenders are lending. One caution, prices of some late-model used cars are still close to the price of a new car, so it might make more sense to buy new. At Adesa Analytical Services, they also predict that as more cars pour into the used car market, all prices will be a little cheaper.
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First Downs
You're paying $200 a seat at an NFL game, but you are somewhat more handicapped than viewers at home, who see the first down lines highlighted in the picture image. They could do that in the games, too. It's a system that is here, now, and has been ready to replace chains for years. Alan Amron, an inventor who has been pitching the First Down Laser System for more than a decade, says he met with NFL executives in May 2013 in New York, and recently completed the system they wanted. But the NFL wants to see the technology in use in another league before implementing it. Amron hopes that will happen in 2014. It could happen if a demonstration for the Canadian Football League officials goes to plan. With the system, a projector mounted at the base of the yardage stick will illuminate a 4-inch-wide green line with the push of a remote control button by an official on the field or in an upstairs booth. The technology has plenty of fans. Denver Post writer Joan Niesen says simply the fan experience is not up to snuff: NFL... You can do better. Meanwhile, it does have some detractors, including Business Insider Cork Gaines who says lasers have a few important drawbacks: They will slow the game; they could harm players' eyes; and, last but not least, fans love the drama of the chains being brought out for a measure. According to Gaines, lasers are not coming any time soon.
Technology and You
Television Tamed
There have been some legendary cliffhangers in television history. People endured a year of media and celebrity speculation before they found out who shot JR. Did they like the wait? Probably not. According to a survey by Netflix, people who can watch the next episode of a show they love do watch the next episode. Or six of them. Of 1,500 Netflix customers surveyed, 61 percent said they have watched from two to six episodes of a TV show in a single sitting. It's called binge watching. And 73 percent of the survey respondents said they have positive feelings about binge watching television. About 50 percent said they prefer to have another person watching with them when they are on a binge. WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM
Live Entertainment Every Wednesdays - 8:30 til 12 Karaoke Every Sunday - 8 til close
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Get On The Train &
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen." FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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A Cab Driver Suprise
Ask The Wino… What’s this cabin fever all about?
A nun gets into a cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. Finally, the cabbie says, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you." "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything." "Well, I've always had a fantasy about a nun performing oral sex on me." "Well, first, you have to be single, and then you must also be Catholic."
WINO: Desmond Rutter AGE: 44 SMELLS LIKE: A Garbage Mans Jock Strap PERSONAL QUOTE: “Locks on garbage cans suck”
The cab driver says, "Yes, I am single, and I'm Catholic, too!" The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does, and the nun fulfills his fantasy. When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts weeping. "My dear child, why are you crying?" "Forgive me, sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess -- I'm married and I'm Jewish." "That's OK," says the nun. "My name is Stevie, and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
WANTED: PHOTOGRAPHERS CALL 773-213-4597
Rita, a traffic cop asks: Is cabin fever for those who just sit and watch TV all day and can’t stand the cold? WINO: Hey Lady the last time I had cabin fever was when my dad tied me to the bed for a week for looking at my buddies mom out of the bedroom window with a stiffy, man she was hot. I bet your old man loves your uniform, gimme a ticket any day.
Grant, an Insurance consultant asks: I just want to get out and breathe the Spring air, this weather is so depressing, what do you think?. WINO: Are you on crack... depressing? You wanna try thawing out your balls in the laundromat, when the sisters are drying their smalls and throwing hangers at me, shit those dryers make me dizzy.
Sue, an Interior Designer asks: My lips are chapped, I am so stir crazy and that wind, It bites....I just want to bask in the warm summer weather, don’t you? WINO: Your lips are chapped? You wanna try stuffing some cardboard down your pants before you go out. You can bask with me any day sister, not sure you want my wind in your face though.
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FEBRUARY HOROSCOPE ARIES: You can impress your boss by being the one to smooth out situations in an insecure world. When the boss succeeds, comment on how great the work looks.
LIBRA: It's easier to glimpse at your dreams and goals in the early morning. Remember that less ego involvement makes it easier to see what you really want.
TAURUS: This month may find you going about your business like always, when suddenly, a realization hits you and all the parts fall into place. Watch for it.
SCORPIO: If you're on a quest for better finances, look no further than your own social network. Study those who are successful with their finances and look for leads.
GEMINI: You'd like to help people, or at least give them some advice. But if your experience with some people shows they won't appreciate it, stand back and look away. CANCER: Successful time management allows you to take on the world. Work during optimal times in order to mesh your talents with the task at hand. LEO: If the very person who needs to be in tune with you is acting like a jerk, considering it might be your fault lets you handle what you CAN control: your reaction. VIRGO: When two major projects need to be completed at the same time, look for help. The stars say a Gemini will help you achieve results very soon.
True or False?
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
SAGITTARIUS: When you look at a situation, remember that everyone has his or her own agenda. You do too. Consider what's really being said under the rhetoric. CAPRICORN: There's no doubt about it: fitness is sexy. Do something about a lingering unhealthy habit. You can't be your best or do your best if your body isn't strong. AQUARIUS: Emotional flexibility is your special talent. You have a different face for every mood and every occasion. But remember where reality fits in. PISCES: Perplexing passions pull you to something or someone new, but this can be a sign of personal growth. Your interests are different from last year. Guard your money.
“Sometimes adversity is what you need in order to become successful.” - Zig Ziglar, author and motivational speaker
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. 5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die. 6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. 7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does. 9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage. FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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February 2014 Calendar Chicago Restaurant Week 2/1 - 2/6, 2014 (begins Jan. 24) Get a special deal on a fixed-price lunch or dinner at 286 restaurants during Chicago Restaurant Week. Chinese New Year Parade 2/2 (1 to 2:30 p.m.) Chinatown Lunar New Year Parade has lion & dragon dances, marching bands, and floats that go north on Wentworth Ave. and then west on Cermak Rd. Free. Motorcycle Show February 7 - 9, 2014 Find sport bikes, dirt bikes, scooters, ATVs, expert advice, live entertainment, and family activities at the International Motorcycle Show in the Rosemont convention center. Cider Tasting February 8, 2014 Try 100 artisanal ciders from throughout the world during Cider Summit at Navy Pier. Must be 21 due to alcohol content. Snow Days at Navy Pier February 8 - 9, 2014 See teams sculpt masterpieces from snow during Snow Days in Gateway Park at Navy Pier. Live entertainment, snowboarding, and kids’ activities like snow painting. Free. Auto Show February 8 - 17, 2014 Admire new vehicles at the Chicago Auto Show, where exhibits are spectacular due to the large size of McCormick Place convention center. RV and Camping Show February 12 - 16, 2014 Rosemont Diving Expo February 14 - 16, 2014 Our World Underwater offers workshops for divers, films, diving-equipment, travel services, and a kids’ area at the Rosemont convention center. Run In Your Underwear February 15, 2014 Cupid's Undie Run includes a half-naked run through the streets and a party at John Barleycorn on N. Clark Street to support charity. Dog Show February 21 - 23, 2014 The International Kennel Club Cluster of Dog Shows has prize competitions, dog fashion shows, meet the breeds, pet the dogs, and kids’ activities at McCormick Place convention center.
Friendly Skies I was on a flight that was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.' She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess, and I take orders from no one.' To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'
Privilages Require Some Effort A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
Golf Show February 21 - 23, 2014 Hit balls with this year’s new clubs, take one-on-one full swing and putting lessons from pros, hear presentations, and shop for gear at the Chicago Golf Show at the Rosemont convention center.
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
Mardi Gras Pub Crawl February 22, 2014 Wear colorful clothes and collect Mardi Gras beads from bars at high-energy BeadQuest in Wrigleyville.
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
Custom Car Show February 28 - March 2, 2014 World of Wheels features hot rods, competition cars, specialty, and concept vehicles at the Rosemont convention center.
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After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The father replies, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went..?" WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM
$1 DOMESTIC BOTTLES
NOW OPEN MONDAY-FRIDAY AT 6AM! Kitchen Open Everyday! DAILY SPECIALS Sunday: $1 Domestic Bottles, $3 Bloody Mary & $3 Shot of the day
SUNDAY THRU WEDNESDAY
Monday: $1 Domestic Bottles, $3 Witches Brew & $4 Three Floyds Brewery Craft Beers Tuesday: $1 Domestic Bottles, $4 Absolute Mixed Drinks, $3 Imports & $0.75 Chicken Fingers Wednesday: $1 Domestic Bottles, $2 well mixed, $4 bombs & $1 Taco’s
802-804 Theodore St Crest Hill 815-726-3401 Facebook: www.facebook.com/BadaBrew Booking Information: Contact George 708-203-3809 / Sean 708-945-2282 / email: tsagarisgeo@comcast.net
Thursday: Free Pool, $2 Domestic bottles, $3 Any Jim Beam Shot & $4 Bada Burgers Friday & Saturday: Awesome Specials
Live Music Shows
Sat, Feb 1st - Speedball Zombie & Lyden Moon Fri, Feb 7th- UDI, LAST ENVY, U4EA & D Rox Acoustix (Win-
ter Jam & Tim’s Birtday Bash)
Sat, Feb 8th- Skinn Jakkit wsg. TBA, Helmer, False Hope Fades, The Desire Remains The Same, 671 Grains
Friday Feb 14th-Song Of Siren, Proton, Etlin Zylin, Prison City Riot, Skin Dance, Kilgore Trout & More! (NO COVER/FREE LIVE MUSIC SHOW!)
Saturday Feb 15th- Mob Rules-A night of Ronnie James
Dio & Dead Man’s Hand
Sunday Feb 16th- Alec Otter Jones, Go For Broke, Penrose Stairs, We Are The Batman’s & Moondog! (NO COVER/FREE LIVE MUSIC SHOW!)
Fri, Feb 21st- VOODOO QUEEN’S BIRTHDAY SHOW-
CASE featuring Red Poet, Spinning Red, Sinister Fate, White House Burning & Finale Drive (Door 8pm/Show 9pm)
Sat, Feb 22nd- Through These Eyes (CD RELEASE SHOW)with special guest Atlanta is Burning (All Ages Show. Doors 4pm) Sat, Mar 1st- The First Lady Of Death Metal Benefit
Show! This show is to help raise money for one of our own, Jill McEntee, to help offset the high medical bills. Chicago, let’s show how we can come together to help one of our own! Featuring....Radiation Sickness, Narcotic, Cranial Decay, River Coffin & Coffin Witch! Presented by Murder City Promotions!
Next Month: Mar 15th - St. Patty’s Weekend!!! Jello wrestling!!!
Live Music by Villainous Grinn, Know Lyfe ( Lansing,Michigan) and The Streets!!!!!!
VIDEO GAMING HERE!!! HILL T S E
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The Hottest Place to party in the Joliet area is @ Bobby McGees! 1200 Cedarwood, Crest Hill 815-741-4318
Friday Feb 14th- MAKE LOVE NOT WAR 2014 VALENTINES DAY PARTY!!!! FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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Special Events
Saturday Feb 15th - SPECIAL LOCAL MUSIC SHOWCASE!
Eddie Bartley, The Redtones, Gumby’s Closet, Element Control, Where The Hat Fell, Anything & Moonberg! Show 7pm (NO COVER/FREE LIVE MUSIC SHOW!) 773.213.4597
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A Letter From A Service Industry Professional I came across this article while perusing my Facebook feed this month and thought with so many of our readers in the industry you could all relate and feel a bit validated by this letter.
Dear Non-Tippers,
Are you thinking about going out tonight? Considering a nice little jaunt to that cozy steakhouse down on Main Street? Looking forward to a pleasant evening of being fed and waited upon by strangers? Maybe catching a flick after dinner? Good. Good for you. Sounds like a splendid evening. I'm happy that you've got the money to treat yourselves. Oh, but you don't have it in your budget to tip your server? Then it would seem that you, in fact, don't have the money to treat yourselves after all. My friends, if you have 35 bucks to drop on a meal, but you don't have the 7 dollars to leave a 20 percent tip, then what are you doing in a restaurant in the first place? You need to hire a financial adviser (well, maybe see if you can get a free consult) because it's just plain unwise to blow your entire net worth on a couple of entrees at Applebee's. Save your 35 dollar nest egg, run to Walmart, buy a box of spaghetti for a dollar, and enjoy a home cooked meal. For a while in my early twenties, after I paid my bills for the month, I usually had about 30 or 40 dollars left over. I often drove by sitdown restaurants and thought, "Hmmm, I wish I could pull in and have a bite to eat." But then I remembered, "Oh, I'm broke; I have no money, I'm poor," and so I went back to my apartment and ate peanut butter and jelly or ramen noodles. These are the traditional cultural dishes of broke people; not big, juicy hamburgers at high class joints like Chili's. Oh, but you aren't broke? You're going tipless this evening out of some diluted "principle"? Why should you have to tip, you ask? Well, you don't. You aren't required. Just like you aren't required to hold the door open for an elderly woman or offer a beverage to a thirsty house guest. You don't have to do these things. Most of us partake in these conventions because we're civilized and decent. You don't have to be civilized and decent. But maybe you can at least do me this favor: if you aren't going to tip, and you know that from the outset, have the courage of your convictions and inform your waiter upfront. When your server comes to welcome you and give you the daily specials, kindly inform him of the situation. "Good evening, Brad. I'm happy to be here. I won't be tipping you tonight. Anyway, do we get free refills on the house salad?" To withhold this information is a lie by omission. You know that Brad will be working under the assumption that a tip is forthcoming. You, therefore, benefit from the illusion of a potential tip, even though there isn't any potential for a tip at all. This is a lie. You're lying. You're being manipulative. Stop it. And what is this principle on which you stand? I often hear that the owners of the restaurants should pay a decent wage and then nobody would have to tip. Why should you have to pay the server's wage, you insist. Good point. Let's require all restaurant owners to pay their wait staff, what, like 12-15 dollars an hour? Yes, now we don't have to tip and everyone is happy! Oh. Wait. What's this? All of prices FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
on the menu just doubled? No more 2 for 20 deals? No more free refills? No more 9 dollar burgers and 12 dollar steaks? No more obscenely humungous portion sizes? What's going on here? You're telling me that the financial resources of the restaurant's owners are finite, and a massive increase in operating costs must be logically offset by a hike in prices and a reduction in services? Oh no! Now my favorite joints are closing earlier! Hold on, no more happy hour? This has gone too far. I want good food, low prices, huge portions, unlimited refills; happy hour special, fast service and I don't want to be expected to tip! Kindly point me to the wormhole that will transport me to the dimension where such a thing is possible. See, non-tippers benefit from the tip structure, and would not be willing to forfeit those benefits, yet they don't want to pony up the tips themselves. They reap the rewards of the tip system while simultaneously pretending to protest it. They're hypocrites. Of course, the main justification offered by non-tippers is not so much based on principle as it is on punishment. They say they will not tip when the service is "bad." But you'll notice that these people somehow encounter "bad" service almost every time they go out to eat. What an odd thing. They must be cursed. Personally, I tip. I almost always tip well. Twenty percent is the baseline minimum. But, where some customers complain about how they "can't find good service," I am usually quite pleased with the wait staff I encounter at most establishments. Where non-tippers constantly find excuses to punitively withhold tips, I generally find reasons to add an additional 5 or 10 percent to the pot. This isn't because I'm lucky or generous, it's because I'm not a pompous, picky, spoiled brat; constantly looking for the smallest reason to feel slighted by customer service workers. I'd like to hear the thought process when the bill comes and you non-tippers go through your cheapskate mental checklist. Hmmm. Well, my glass remained empty for 97 seconds while my waitress handled a party of 27 two tables down. Sorry, I don't care what else she's doing. I need prompt refills. That'll cost her 3 percent. Oh, and I didn't think she was smiley enough. There goes another 3 percent. I asked for ketchup but it didn't come. And then I had to ask again! The horror! That shaves another 5 percent. The fries were warm but a little soggy. There goes 2 percent. My meal was late by like a thousand hours! Well, almost. It took 26 minutes or so to come out. I have absolutely no reason to believe that this inconvenience was the fault of my server, but she's going to have to pay for it. Minus 10 percent. OK, so according to my calculations, she now owes me about 12 dollars. From what I've seen, the server is usually punished for things that have nothing to do with her. But you non-tippers know this. You're not out for justice; you're out to save a few bucks. You tell yourselves stories about how you were victimized by the wait staff just so you can leave no tip and still sleep like a baby at night. But we all know the truth about you. You can't hide your motivations. Stop the madness, non-tippers. Tip your server. Just tip. Trust me, you'll feel better. Author Unknown 773.213.4597
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Doctor I Need Help Dinner TIme A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." Little Johnny sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."
I Have An Idea A woman begs her husband for $5000 to get a boobjob, he says no, but I have an idea, "each morning take a big wad of toilet paper and rub it between your tits". She asks " do you think it will work?" He says "hell ya it'll work, it did wonders for your ass!"
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud,but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!". The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!" “Speech is the mirror of the soul; as a man speaks, so he is.” - Publilius Syrus, Latin writer of maxims
Vacation Time As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face. I said, "What's wrong honey?" Sad and broken up she looked at me and said -"Mommy, where's my booger?
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Big Al’s Tattoo and Piercing Gallery Big Al’s Tattoo and Piercing Gallery is located at 10347 Southwest Highway in Chicago Ridge and has been serving the community and surrounding areas since February 2011. The owners chose Al Capone as their logo figuring Capone represented Chicago, the South Side and all things taboo for society. Their goal was to be the central location for South Side artwork and for Al Capone merchandise. Since the shop’s logo/figurehead is Al Capone logo, they will be offering 50% off all tattoos and piercings on January 17th each year in honor of Al Capone’s birthday. Aside from the Big Al’s t-shirts currently in stock, their plan moving into 2014 will be to feature additional Al Capone merchandise for purchase. They also do consignment artwork for anyone who’d like to feature and sell their pieces out of their location. Currently, the staff is made up of the Shop Manager, 3 tattoo artists (John, Dan & Chopz) and 1 piercing professional (Hershey). They aim to provide the very best in body modifications and arts of the flesh, giving the customer an unforgettable experience from beginning until end. They take pride in their environment and guarantee that you’ll never find a cleaner shop. The business is involved in the community and local charitable organizations and is committed to giving back as much as they can. Last year they ran “Art for the Heart” two weeks before Valentine’s Day and donated 20% of every sale to the American Heart Association. They also have a Customer Appreciation Day in September to show their appreciation to all the customers who have patronized the shop. Operating hours are Tuesday through Thursday from 1 until 9pm, Friday and Saturday from 1 until 10pm and Sundays from 1 until 6pm. The shop is closed on Mondays. Appointments are preferred, but walk-ins are always welcome! FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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SUDOKU
WORD SEARCH Down on the Farm
Rules: Every row, column and 3x3 box must have numbers 1 to 9
COWBELL COWBOY COWHAND COWHERD COWHIDE COWPAT COWPEA COWPOKE COWSHED
COWSLIP DUCKBILL DUCKPIN DUCKWEED GOOSEBERRY GOOSEFLESH GOOSENECK HENPECK HORSEFLY
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HORSEHIDE HORSESHOE HORSEWHIP PIGLET PIGMENT PIGOUT PIGTAIL SHEEPDOG
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The Lighter Side Motor Home A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. She peels it off and screams, "I've won a motorhome!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch." But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home!" Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize. Let me see the peel and win." He reads ... "W I N A B A G E L."
A Simple Test An older couple had a son who was unable to decide about his future career. So they decided to do a small test. They took a $10 bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table ... then the couple hid. The father said, "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." The son arrived, took the $10 bill and slid it into his pocket. Then he took the Bible, looked it, and took it. Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and sniffed it. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items. The father says: "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined. Our son is going to be a politician!"
Visit to a shrink A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia. "Doc," he said, "Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?"
Are You Smarter Than CHESTER “The Sock Monkey”? 1. Let's start with the symbol of the "X" and why it represents the kiss? Do you know? This goes back to the Middle Ages when a person did which of the following: A) Was forced to kiss all documents over his signature B) He signed his name and then a priest had to kiss the signature to verify it C) Only the illiterate people made an "x" and then kissed it in front of 2 or more witnesses to show their sincerity. 2. What is the term when a male and female each pay for their own meals or entertainment on a date? A) Having a "Square Meal" B) Going Dutch C) Even Steven 3. Asking for a woman's hand in marriage goes back to the Greeks, true or false? 4. Back in the early 19th century, humorous Valentines started. They were originally called what? A) Vulgar Valentines B) Vinegar Valentines C) Vixen Valentines D) Vindictive Valentines 5. According to legend, what were Humphrey Bogart's last words to his wife, Lauren Bacall as he died? A) Here's looking at you kid B) Out of all the actors in the entire world, you had to choose me? C) Thanks for the memories D) Don't worry, Doll face, it's not over, it's only intermission. 6. The Baby Ruth candy bar was created in 1920 by Curtiss Candy Co. They named this bar after the baseball player Babe Ruth. True or False? 7. Deep red carnations tell your loved one that: A) Your heart is broken B) You are celibate C) You are friends D) You are true loves 8. The combination of white and red roses sends what message? A) Unity B) Declaration of love C) Farewell D) Distrust 9. Why was Cupid chosen as the symbol of Valentine's Day and lovers? A) He was the Roman god of love B) A celebrated marksman from Greece, he won the hand of his beloved through an archery match C) According to Celtic tradition, Cupid was an unfortunate suitor killed by the arrow of an outraged father who refused to let his daughter wed for love D) There is no reason other than the fact greedy card, chocolate and flower moguls thought that was the cutest design created by their marketing staff E) All are correct 10. Approximately what percentage of Valentine's Day cards are purchased by women? A) 10% B) 25% C) 85% D) 95%
"A hundred dollars per visit."
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6. False. It’s named after President Cleveland’s daughter. 7. A 8. A 9. A 10. C
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for $10 dollars. He told me to cut the legs off my bed!"
Answers
1. C 2. B 3. False, it goes back to the Romans where a father literally took his daughters hand and passed it over to her husband. 4. B 5. A
Six months later the doctor met the man on the street and asked why he didn't come back to see him.
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La La’s Love Letters Dear LaLa, My husband and I have been married about a year and we are ready to start a family. The truth of the matter is as much as I want children, I’m not really sure I am the “stay at home” type and for the record I make the larger of the two By Lauren Strec incomes. I suggested that my husband consider taking on the full-time parenting role but he’s afraid all his buddies will think less of him. I told him who cares what they think! Am I being insensitive to his needs? If you made more money than your spouse, would you want your spouse to stay home with the kids? Suzy Not So Homemaker Dear Suzy, That just makes sense to me. Your outcome is obviously going to increase, so why would you decrease your income? His buddies are definitely going to give him shit for it, but if they’re really his friends, they’re not going to genuinely lose respect. After all, who wouldn’t want a sugar momma? A lot of the jabs are probably going to stem from envy! Your husband needs to realize that the jokes will eventually subside, and he should cater to logic, instead of pride. Either take the hit and be the subject of some temporary mockery, or take the hit financially, and not be able to live as comfortably or provide as much. Dear LaLa, OMG. I am dating this girl who is smart, funny and smoking hot! After 6 months of total perfection I thought I could really see a future in this relationship. But…a few weeks ago we started staying the night at one another’s place and BAM, there it was! From the minute she wakes up the girl is talking incessantly! If there is nothing I hate worse, it’s when someone starts to make me answer 100 questions the minute I wake up. Was this too good to be true or should I just throw some duct tape over her mouth before she wakes up? Please help! Peaceful Pete Dear Pete, Women do a lot of thinking... about everything. Now that you two have taken a step to be closer, she’s probably reaching out to connect further via conversation, and she feels more comfortable to share all the things in her head. If she’s talking more than the average female, you will have to do a little talking yourself: to simply tell her you need some time to wake up. Just say that you are really incoherent upon waking, and that you need to instill a rule that anything above small talk should take place an hour after you rise. Or you can do what every other guy does, and just space off with an occasional, “Uh-huh,” until she finishes talking about work, what she’s going to eat, animals, the weather, music, family…
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Dear LaLa, My boyfriend doesn’t last very long! I’m lucky if I get 5 minutes out of him. We are in college and we do it a lot in between classes, but the quickies aren’t quite cutting it for me (if you know what I mean). Any ideas on how I can make him last a little longer? Longtime Linda Dear Linda, Practice makes perfect. First thing you must do? SLOW DOWN. When classes are done for the day, and you have more time, have “start and stop” sex. Do it slowly for a minute, then have him stop to kiss your neck or explore other areas. This will not only help him to last longer, but it will bring you two closer. You can also tell him to picture his best friend’s butthole, when he thinks he’s getting closer to the big finish. I don’t believe there’s such a thing as a bad lover, because everyone can be taught. You’ll just have to play teacher for a bit. Dear LaLa, I have been friends with my best girlfriend since we were 6 years old and I love her with all my heart. She has her faults, but as do we all. So, I recently started dating this guy that I really like and I have noticed that whenever I have him around her she is practically throwing herself at him trying to get his attention. I’m really uncomfortable with her behavior and I don’t want her to be upset with me but I really am not cool with this. Is there a way to handle this diplomatically or do I just tell her to “knock the shit off bitch”?! Lucy Dear Lucy, Oh hell naw. That’s not cool, and you need to call her out. You two have been friends a long time, so it should not be a problem to pull her aside, and speak to her candidly to explain what she is doing. It’s possible that she doesn’t realize that she is wearing her emotions on her sleeve. Your guy must be a catch, and while she may not be able to help if she also finds him attractive, she can control her actions, and needs a reality check. Straight out tell her that you feel awkward when she does example A, B, and C. Follow up that you’re not trying to create tension between you two, and are just addressing a fact that needs to change. Afterwards, I would avoid social situation where the three of you are together, at least for a couple weeks.
Lauren is a spokesmodel for tv, radio, live events, blogging and social media. Connect at Facebook. com/LaurenStrec for tidbits, news and fun photos
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live music corner
D-Rox Acoustix By: Joliet Dave
There’s never a shortage of press coverage for the various bands in the Chicagoland market, whether it be cover or original units. Often overlooked however are the multitude of acoustic acts that work the bars, clubs, coffee shops and every other place where people gather and there is enough room for a small PA and a stool or two. Most often you can catch a wide-ranging assortment of talent on any given night, weekend or weeknight. Artists like Pete Berwick and Kimi Hayes are familiar names while others like Chris Moran and Tommy Slab are getting more and more recognition. Among those that are starting to break out is the brother/sister team known collectively as “D-Rox Acoustix”. Based out of the greater Joliet area, Desire’e and Dustin Megrant are exceptional multi-instrumentalists that not only tear through an assortment of tunes on guitar, but often supplement their music with a variety of keyboards, drums, percussion and other stringed instruments in order to bring a whole new dimension to your standard acoustic type act. I recently caught D-Rox on a Wednesday night at Marty’s Place in Crest Hill (2357 Plainfield Rd). Marty’s is known throughout the area for providing great live music; a friendly atmosphere and a top-notch staff lead by the affable Marty Koppel. Marty’s also never charges a cover and runs a mixed bag of entertainment most days of the week, so if you’re in the mood for acoustic, blues, rock, pop and country bands or even karaoke, Marty’s is your place. In the 90 minutes or so that I was there, D-Rox ran the gamut, performing songs as diverse at Elvis Presley, Cracker, Ike & Tina Turner, Kid Rock, Ritchie Valens, Janis Joplin and Gretchen Wilson. Several times throughout the show, Desire’e would take the stage alone and belt out a few solo numbers. Most notable was her particularly inspired version of “Me and Bobby McGee” by Janis Joplin, delivered with a dynamic soulful blusiness. D-Rox certainly played into the relaxed atmosphere and had fun with the audience and genuinely seemed to enjoy being there, doing what they do. Clearly evident is the mutual respect and admiration they have for one another as well. Coming from a family of musicians and surrounded by a variety of music while growing up, Desire’e and Dustin were clearly influenced by the multiplicity of talent and professionalism that they learned from their Father, a noted blues and jazz musician. Aside from their activities with D-Rox, Dustin is a former member of several area bands and Desire’e recently took on the lead vocalist position with Four Finger Lid. She can also boast of having previously opened for Brett Michaels as well. You can catch D-Rox Acoustix on alternate Wednesdays at Marty’s Place. They will also be appearing at Bada Brew (802 Theodore St in Crest Hill) on February 7th along with U4EA, Under D Influence and The Last Envy. Visit the band on Facebook under “D-Rox Acoustix”.
To have your band and or CD considered for a story, contact Joliet Dave at www.facebook.com/jolietdaveofficial.
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TA L E S F R O M T H E C H R I S
Days of Palmolive and Ouzo By Rob Christiansen
I’ve never been able to accept a compliment or apologize. Maybe one day I will, especially if I keep practicing the piano… or play after midnight and wake everyone up. I’m in a trap situation where I must apologize. The woman to whom I’m indebted is pretty, but she’s twenty-six years old.
Furthermore, she’s a love interest and I think she likes me. Dear Ann Landers, I have this instinct in her kitchen. Help! It’s a new instinct, Mrs. Landers, but I somehow recognize it. I feel like a bird that flies to San Juan Capistrano every year on March 19, as though it can read a map…or a calendar. “I’m sorry, Margaret,” I say. I had no choice. She caught me reading her Department of Motor Vehicles letter. I know what she weighs, and I could go to jail for that. Despite being under panic attack, I apologize without rambling, in fewer words than the Gettysburg Address. Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy. Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln. “Keep it Simple, Stupid.” Yes, I’d like to kiss her. Margaret, I mean. She sizes me up. She leans back against the sink as though she is quietly celebrating having washed the dishes. That’s what I always do, after my turn at washing the supper dishes. I drape the towel over my shoulder and cross my arms. I do that for several seconds. It clears my head. Margaret crosses her ankles and rests her elbows on the edge of the sink. There are no dishes in her sink. She’s a stickler for enunciation…and for an empty sink. When I come back to mow her lawn next week, I’ll bring her a bottle of Palmolive soap with a red bow stuck to it. “Who is this?” I ask, referring to the music. She hasn’t accepted my apology and it weighs on my mind. I might have to lean back against her sink with a towel draped over my shoulder and clear my head. I point towards an unseen, imagined, stereo. “This is Hues Corporation and I’m your disk jockey,” she says. “I buy albums at Times Square Store and stack them and off they go, into the wild blue yonder.” She twirls her finger and blows at it, and she misses. She crosses her eyes for comic effect like Barbra Streisand in “Funny Girl.” “I need glasses,” she says. Margaret, I mean. I’m not sure if she’s generally funny or if she just uses spot humor as a conversation piece. If I had to give her a pet name it would be “Water” because she is stooping to my level. Actually, water seeks the highest level. I’ll call her “Hot Water” because that’s where I’d like to be with her. I do need a shower, as you clearly can see by the sweaty looks of me. I feel the stirrings of confidence—and of a bonus, even though I misspelled it…and made it plural. It’s one of them…and two
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of those. Through Margaret’s lunacy she has pardoned me for reading her letter, like President Ford pardoned former President Nixon for throwing a TV set out of the window (“defenestrated”) of the Watergate Hotel. Actually, Keith Moon did that. I wonder how his library is coming along. Nixon’s, I mean. I wonder if he has read “All the President’s Men.” “I’m sorry I read your letter, Margaret,” I say. The “parentheses” around Margaret’s mouth (in lieu of dimples) hold personal and not hard data. As I told you before, she weighs 124 pounds. Actually, I hadn’t divulged Margaret’s weight. I’m awkward. I’m not awkward. I’m in transition. I’m seventeen. I’m filled with unbridled passion and I don’t watch my mouth. I’ve eaten Palmolive many times before, although someone had force-fed it to me. Mom! This brings me back to Margaret, in my paint-by-numbers brain, of course, but what do you expect of a mama’s boy? No one else could make me practice piano every day for eight years. Ahh, Margaret. She’s smiling. Margaret probably was born smiling, on October 11, (the DMV letter strikes again!), and throws parties by laughing. The water in the glass she gave me is ouzo, which previously I had consumed once, by mistake. It was pushing midnight on New Year’s Eve at Skip’s house. Suddenly, I needed an appendectomy. Happy New Year! “Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa, da da da da.” It’s a song by Nat King Cole, and I can play it. “I heard you the first time, Lyle,” Margaret says, because my name is Lyle, as in, “Levittown, Long Island.” “I—I’m just confused because the men I know don’t know how to say they’re sorry.” She’s got to be kidding, playing me, but I’m totally sucked into her little Cape Cod sans upstairs dormer or den. Our house has both, although I live with my parents and my two sisters. I think Margaret lives alone. She and I are in the belly of an Electrolux vacuum cleaner, shaped like a Dachshund, resembling the mechanical mutt in Ray Bradbury's “Fahrenheit 451.” Mr. Mezzapeza assigned it in March. (It’s nice to thank a teacher.) I could find the closet where Margaret keeps her Electrolux blindfolded, if she blindfolded me. I would hear the ocean’s waves, if she nibbled on my ear, while I was blindfolded. My senses are at a peak. I turn my back to avoid poking her with my “bonus” but I smell Palmolive. Only my sense of taste fails. The water really isn’t ouzo. But you never taste the water, in Levittown. That’s why I love my hometown. I hand Margaret the glass with nothing in it except skeletal, diminished, ice cubes. “Thank you,” I say. She asks if I want more water. I accept. “Have a seat,” she says.
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CALL US TO SCHEDULE PHOTOS AT YOUR BAR 773.213.4597 WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM
Little Frank’s Pizzeria OR NF OPE NCH LU
6355 W. 79th St Burbank
(708) 598-8660
Order By Fax: (708) 598-2158
Fast Delivery or Pick-Up Hours: Sun thru Thurs 11am - Mid Friday & Saturday 11am - 1:30am THE BEST PIZZA JUDGED BY THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE
THURSDAY $1.50 DOMESTIC BOTTLES
Monday: Tuesday: Wednesday: Thursday: Friday: Saturday: Sunday:
$1 Busch, Busch Light & Old Style $1.50 All Pints EVERYDAY $2 Bacardi Mixers $3 UV Bombs $1.50 All Domestic Bottles $2.50 Import Bottles $3 Smirnoff Mixers featuring Bloody Marys + $1.50 All Pints $10 Domestic Buckets, $4 Smirnoff Bloody Marys + .75 Cent Schnapps
Catch All BLACKHAWK ACTION HERE!!!
Turnback Time Tuesday
$2
16oz Miller Lite Cans 12oz Coors Light Bottles
jam night call for details Kitchen Hours
Sun - Thur 11am - Midnight Fri & Sat 11am - 1:30am
BUILD YOUR OWN BLOODY MARY ON SUNDAY 11AM - NOON
$3
LIME - A - RITA STRAW - BER - RITA
FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
10%
773.213.4597
Senior Citizen Discount
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