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Front page photo taken at Sluggers by Lisa Romack The name What’s Up Xtra Magazine is a registered trade name, and use of this name is strictly prohibited. The contents of this publication are copyrighted What’s Up Xtra Chicago Magazine -2012 We encourage our readers to write their stories, send photos, and make comments. All submissions sent to us by phone, email, fax, or handwritten become the property of What’s Up Xtra Chicago Magazine.
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OLE Vuz BORN A LUTHERAN! Born a Lutheran, each Friday night after work, Ole would fire up his outdoor grill on the shore of Big Stone Lake and cook a venison steak. But, all of Ole's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks wafted over Ortonville all the way to Clinton, and was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Ole, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Ole attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Lutheran, and raised a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic." Ole's neighbors were relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Ole's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You vuz born a deer, you vuz raised a deer, but now you is a walleye." FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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Ingredients:
Monday April 8th
Tall Tale
Instructions:
Muddle cucumber and blackberries in a mixing glass. Add tequila, lemon juice, agave nectar and ice. Shake and strain into a tall glass with ice. Top with ginger beer and stir. Garnish with cucumber wheel.
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Wild Turkey Mint Tea Ingredients:
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In a cocktail shaker, add ½ the nectarine quarters and 4 lime wedges. Pour in simple syrup and muddle fruits to a paste. Add mint leaves and muddle lightly without tearing. Add Rum and ice. Shake and strain into a rocks glass filled with fresh ice. Garnish with mint sprigs and a wedge of lime.
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4 cups Water, divided 2 tbsp Sugar 4 Black tea bags 1 cup Fresh mint leaves 1.5 cups Wild Turkey Bourbon Juice of half a lemon & half a lime
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News April 16 is National Wear Your Pajamas to Work Day! A Weird, Wild, and Wacky Holiday...
It's a Fact #1...
Good Lung Function Helps You Think Better
The day after federal taxes are due, tax-paying Americans may well believe they deserve some comfort. Many have been up until the last minute the night before pouring over the increasing difficult-to-understand directions and waiting in lines of cars to slip their signed and stamped documents into the mailbox at the post office.
A new Swedish study published in the journal Psychological Science, shows that the brain's processing speed is better maintained with good lung health. The researchers now believe that oxygen intake carried throughout the body by the blood may affect chemicals that transmit signals between brain cells. They say regular exercise and a healthy diet enhance oxygenrich blood flow.
So when the taxes are paid, isn't it time to jump in your pajamas and go to work? In some places, it is. To raise money for charity, and to celebrate National Wear Your Pajamas to Work Day, Denver's Mayor John Hickenlooper asked city workers to have pajama parties to support the homeless. They raised over $500,000. Martha Stewart once had every staff and audience member in pajamas for her breakfast show. And no doubt some companies elsewhere joined in to raise money or just have fun on a wild special day in which bunny slippers are definitely allowed.
National Volunteer Week April 21-27, 2013 Americans have historically supported their neighbors and townspeople in times of crisis. It's especially true when the crisis involves the massive destruction that comes with tornadoes, epic flooding and hurricanes. This was made evident when Hurricane Sandy struck near Atlantic City, N.J. in October of 2012. Sandy will end up causing about $50 billion in property damage and lost business, making it one of the costliest natural disasters on record in the United States. The storm affected people in 15 states.
The study included 832 people 50 to 85 who were followed for 19 years. One bit of good news: the study found that reduced lung function was not linked with worsened memory or loss of stored knowledge in the brain.
It’s a Fact #2...
Healthy Life Reduces Risk of Alzheimer's Disease Doctors at the Memory Disorders Clinic at UCLA Health System say the risk of developing Alzheimer's disease is reduced with better medical care and healthier living. That includes: • • • • • •
Control of elevated blood pressure Control of cholesterol Maintaining a healthy body weight Having an active lifestyle and exercising Eating a healthy diet Taking an omega-3 fatty acids supplement (fish oil)
It's a Fact #3... Running like this by older fat guys may damage the groin area
Caring Americans nationwide showed how ordinary people can do extraordinary things through service. They volunteered their time and money to work with individuals and organizations. People helping people; it's the American way. National Volunteer Week focuses attention on the power of volunteerism. Every leader, from the president, governors and mayors, to corporate and community leaders, works with citizens to observe the meaning of this week. This year's theme is: Celebrating People in Action. It honors individuals who help to solve significant problems.
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Job Description Someone once asked me, "What is your job?" I replied, “I am my wife's sexual advisor." Somewhat shocked, he asked, "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?" "Very simple...the wife has told me that when she wants my f***ing advice, she'll ask me for it."
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Edward Kennedy “Duke” Ellington In the beginning the earth was void and without jazz. Some Cool Cats Invented Jazz And then there was Duke Ellington and the cats got busy. All the elements of jazz were here in 1899 when Edward Kennedy "Duke" Ellington was born in a middle-class African-American neighborhood in Washington, D.C. The sexy and melancholy blues were here with roots in gospel. There was sassy ragtime. And all the classical compositions of the European kings were here. But it took the elegant Ellington to take them all and mix them up and the result was what some people called Jazz, but what Duke Ellington called American Music, according to Biography.com. A pianist by age 7, a band leader by age 24, a worldwide sensation in radio, film and concerts by age 31, it's not surprising that by the time the Duke died in 1974, it would take a museum to hold his work, specifically the legendary Smithsonian Museum. That great institution of America culture since 1988 has held his memorabilia and thousands of manuscripts of compositions. Though it would no doubt draw the wrath of his fans to single out a list of compositions as his best, people who aren't familiar with Ellington have the advantage of iTunes and YouTube to get a taste of what the great one imagined: • Mood Indigo (1930; Ellington, Bigard). Known for its introduction that mixed sections of the band. You'll hear a trumpet, trombone, and clarinet (by Barney Bigard) join voices at the beginning, an innovation. (NPR Top 100) • Take the A Train (1938; Stayhorn, Ellington). Jazz standard. • Second Sacred Concert (1940s; various). Check out Ellington's sacred music: Supreme Being; The Shepherd; and Something About Believing.
Every year April is the month for Jazz appreciation at the Smithsonian. The April 2013 theme is Salute to Great Ensembles of Jazz. Check out the great jazz rooms of Chicago at www.whatsupxtra.com
Used Flat Stomach
Computer going sideways?
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad, bouncing up and down...
The Tech Shop
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what herson has just seen and what he will think of it. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son asks his mom, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well, you know son, your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it out." "You're wasting your time," said the boy matter of factly. "Why is that, son?" the mom asked puzzled. "Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again!"
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Ask The Wino... Wino: Pauli Chiparelli Smell Like: Cannolis Likes: Crisco and Gold Chains Dislikes: Feminists
Shanna asks: My husband’s best friend just moved back into town and now he out partying entirely too much. Do I explain to him nicely that I am bothered by this or should I lay the hammer down?
Your Duck is Dead A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
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Wino: This is natural behavior for a man and should be encouraged! Man is a hunter and going out with his buddy chasing young sexy women will help to relieve some of the stress he incurs providing for your sorry ass all day. May I suggest telling him if he finds a really hot girl while he is out that you encourage him to bring her home for a threesome? Jillian asks: My sister-in-law was in a bad relationship, so my husband and I offered to let her stay with us. We moved all her stuff into our home but after just a week she ended up going to my brother-in-law’s. I’m not sure why my husband is so upset, but he won’t speak to his sister at all. What’s do you think is going on? Wino: The typical brother would say “don’t let the door hit you in the ass”, so here’s what’s going on. Your freaky husband probably told you he was having bowel issues and was spending a little extra time on the “throne” in the bathroom next to her room? Bullshit. He was checking out her big rack through the peephole he drilled behind the hamper and she probably noticed, took a look and caught him spanking his monkey to her milk jugs! Lilly asks: My husband and I had decided to save ourselves for marriage. It’s been almost six months now of sex almost every day but he has not managed to find my clitoris! I enjoy being with him, but seriously I need more. Any advice? Wino: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it on your own time or ask your best girlfriend to give you a hand. You may wish to video tape yourself doing this and present it to your husband as an anniversary gift. To ease your guilt I suggest cooking him a delicious dinner and to finish off the night perform oral sex on him! WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM
Vets Advice on Dogs LIVE in Heat COUNTRY& WESTERN MUSIC A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work?" she asked.
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"It just worked for me," he replied.
APRIL HOROSCOPE ARIES: Be selective among your many ideas, then to set clear priorities about managing them. The month will end on a romantic, if not entirely realistic, note. TAURUS: If you feel uncomfortable with someone's selfexpression, detach. You might not be able to change him or her, but you can change your reaction. GEMINI: Your happiness depends on creating a balance between spending time on realistic goals and entertaining your most unlikely dreams. Let pragmatism prevail. CANCER: While your creativity serves you well at work, your mischievous personality is peeking through and coming on stronger. Really, put a lid on it. LEO: Don't brag about your contribution to a group effort. Sudden events could grab success out of your hands, teaching you lessons about patience and humility. VIRGO: If you're involved with someone, this could be the time to make a grand gesture, a gift or fancy dinner. They want to be assured about the longevity of the relationship.
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LIBRA: Find ways to make a point without leaving anyone feeling awkward. There's no evidence that what you want to do will be a waste of time or money, but be tactful. SCORPIO: A project that keeps you working long hours could be a blessing disguise. Your family will become more self-reliant and able to take over jobs you used to do. SAGITTARIUS: You're about to discover the benefits of collaboration. You'll both benefit from pooling your resources and working together, shoulder to shoulder. CAPRICORN: Although you might view a particular project as very difficult, it won't take you long to see the best way to tackle it. Your contribution has great value. AQUARIUS: Be aware of the costs of proceeding in your present fashion, be it with your health or your money. You will find that a whole different approach works better. PISCES: Decide whether this is a good time to seek a little solitude and time for reflection. Sometimes it's better than spending a lot of time with others. Kick back and relax 773.213.4597
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THE LIGHTER SIDE
Overheard
Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet?" "Two days ago." "Mine's a senior this year. In May, he'll be an engineer. What's your boy going to be when he graduates?" "At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty." "No, I mean what's he taking in college?" "He's taking every penny I make." "Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?" "He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil." "Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?" "Oh, yeah! It totally cured his mother of bragging about him."
How Long? Two statisticians were traveling from LA to New York. An hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but not to worry, there were three left. But instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. Later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York. When the pilot again announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to New York. They were so aggravated that one said, "Good Lord, I hope we don't lose another one or we'll be up here forever!"
Hotel Guest
Are You Smarter Than CHESTER “The Sock Monkey”? 1. UCLA went to ten Final Four appearances between 1967 to 1966. Duke and which team were tied, as of 2001, for second place with five consecutive appearances? a. North Carolina, b. Wake Forest, c. Indiana, d. Cincinnati 2. What was the last Ivy League School to make the Final Four? a. Harvard, b. Penn, c. Brown, d. Yale 3. What team won the 1966 championship? a. UCLA, b. Texas Western, c. North Carolina, d. Duke 4. What team has lost the most Final Four games between 1939 to 2001? a. Duke, b. Indiana, c. North Carolina, d. Kansas 5. What is the only PAC 10 team to win a national championship between 1960 to 2001, other than UCLA? a. USC, b. Stanford, c. Arizona, d. Oregon 6. This team was one of two # 11 seeds since 1985 to make the Final Four, the lowest seeds to do so. a. George Mason in 2006, b. Old Dominion in 2000, c. North Carolina in 1990, d. Indiana in 2001 7. This was the other # 11 team to make the Final Four in that time span. a. Ohio State in 1999, b. Wisconsin in 2003, c. LSU in 1986, d. Florida State in 2000 8. This was the last team to win the championship with an undefeated record. a. Indiana in 1987, b. Indiana in 1976, c. Duke in 2000, d. Kentucky in 1990 9. What was the last team to enter the Final Four with an undefeated record? a. Michigan State, b. Indiana State, c. North Carolina, d. UNLV 10. What conference was the first ever to have three teams in the Final Four? a. Big East, b. Big Ten, c. Pac 10, d. ACC
Hotel wake-up calls are awful. The phone keeps ringing. It's loud and you can't turn it down. I leave the number of the room next to me. It just rings very quietly and you hear a guy yell, "Why are you calling me?” Then I get up and take a shower. It's great.
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La La’s Love Letters
By Lauren Strec
Dear La La, Whenever I give my husband oral sex the back of my mouth feels like it is going numb and my throat feels like it is closing up on me. I heard there are instructors out there that can help teach technique or do you think I could I possibly be allergic to his sperm? Numb Nina
Dear Nina, Being allergic is a realistic cause, and if that were the case, you would get a reaction from anywhere that the semen touches. With that said, have your husband do a “patch test”. Something tells me that he will be happy to help you with that. If you flare up, the mystery is solved and there is definitely treatment, which includes developing immunity by having more sex (seriously). But, I’m going to say it’s due to your technique. Before you shell out money for an instructor (I can’t stop thinking of the scene with Andy Dick in the movie, Old School), start off by doing a Google search. For you, I just typed in, “how to perform fellatio,” and there are instructional pages out there. It may help you with your mouth mechanics, and ease up the tension in your throat. Dear La La, I am newly single and in my 30’s. I’m not fat or anything but all the goods aren’t quite as proportioned as they used to be. So my problem is I would like to start dating again and obviously I want to look my best. Spanx is my best friend! Yes, I said it, SPANX! I use some tools to help a sister out, but what happens when I’m ready to take that really hot man home? Is he going to be like “What the hell is this?” Any advice? Hiding It Helen Dear Helen, Spanx are great for a quick fix, but they are merely a “bandage.” If I were a guy, I would definitely be disappointed if I were having casual sex with someone, and she was nothing as she appeared to be. Unless you want to wait to find a guy who will love you for who you are, the obvious, though not the easiest, solution is to get in the gym and watch what you eat. No hidden secret or miracle cure here. Age should not be a write-off for not being in shape; you make your body what you want it to be at any point in your life. Use your newfound singlehood to motivate you to get moving and be spanx-free. Dear La La, Before we got married, I noticed that my husband started to put on some weight. He says he can't stand the way his body looks and that it's just too much work for him to get aroused. I really love him and I just want him to be happy. Honestly though if he doesn’t start “putting out” I’m going to have to go fishing somewhere else. Am I going to look like the shallow bitch or does he have to take some ownership here? Corn Fused
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Dear Ms Fused, I think that you need to get his mojo flowing, by showing him that you still desire him, despite his weight. Compliment him outside of the bedroom, when there’s no pressure. For instance, before he leaves for work, tell him you’re going to be “thinking about his sexy ass all day.” Or reminisce about some hot encounters in the past. If he’s still too hung on his appearance and/or really can’t get moving, work with him to start shedding the weight. Plan healthy meals together, set goals, and be exercise buddies. Your support and is eventual weight loss will be a huge turn-on. Not to mention that you will also benefit in the healthy department, for helping out your hubby. Dear La La, I'm tell him you’re going to be “thinkFacebook friends ing about his sexy ass all day.” with six of my Or reminisce about some hot exes. Honestly, it encounters in the past. would have been weirder to unfriend them after having once been so close, especially when things ended amicably. Problem is my girlfriend is freaking out and checking my page daily to see if there is any communication going on. Will this pass or do I kick crazy-pants to the curb? Facebook Freindly Dear Mr Friendly, Either your girl got screwed over in the past, or you did something in the past to lose her trust. The remedy to this situation is gaining that trust. You simply have to sit down with her and explain that you recognize and respect her concern, and reassure her that they are of no desire anymore. Ask her to thoroughly elaborate on anything that would cause her to think otherwise, then talk it out. We all know communication is the grounds for a healthy relationship. So, do it. No waiting for it to pass, and no ending the relationship until you attempt to make sense of things. Push come to shove, if you’re into this girl, and it is really important to her that you prove your interest and commitment, then just unfriend the 6 ladies of the past. If they notice, simply explain the circumstances and that it may just be a temporary thing. If they are really friends, they’ll understand.
Lauren is a spokesmodel for tv, radio, live events, blogging, and social media. Connect at Facebook.com/LaurenStrec for tidbits, news, and fun photos.
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www.FightCard.net FIGHTCARD48: RUTHLESS did not disappoint fans as being one of the best events to be seen in a long time, ending with a highly anticipated main event. Both Curtis Blaydes and Daniel James have made huge names for themselves in the Midwest as being the “big men” in the cage, but it was clear that this fight would determine who was the better fighter. As for Friday night, on that day, Blaydes proved he is the best around. Blaydes finished his challenger in the first round with a head & arm choke, leaving James almost unconcious before referee Rob Madrigal stepped in naming Curtis Blaydes the new FIGHTCARD Heavyweight Champion
Want to Compete? Contact Nilo @ 312.369.4180
To be in front of your hometown and defend your title against Russian supertar, Anatol Grama would be alot of pressure for some, but at the end of the day a true champion was revealed in Jose “Machine Gun” Mariscal. ”This is definitely the toughest fight I have ever been in.” the Champion states. “Being such a hard fight just makes the victory that much more rewarding.” (Pictured) “These guys belong in the UFC. That was the best fight I have seen live and on T.V” one fan sais after the fight. Mariscal and Grama went through a war of touch and go moments that seemed would end the fight at any time, showcasing all facets of the MMA game in their conquest for FIGHTCARD gold. Mariscal seemed to be winning every round and finally finished Grama in the fourth round with a submission. Mariscal will be only the second FIGHTCARD fighter to successfully defend the 155lb title since Guillermo Serment’s reign as Champion. Jose put on the fight of his life for his fans, friends and family, showcasing the spirit of a true champion. (Pictured) Results of Fight Card 48: Ruthless Adrian Ortega def Willie Ishman via Tko/KO in the 1st Round. Patrick Pamon def Bobby Findlay via KO in the 1st Round. Frank Woodhall def Andy Von Schwedler via Tko in the 2nd Round. Kyle Kurt def Pauly Prenot via Tko in the 1st Round. (Muay Thai) Ginger Velasco def Alexis Dederfield via decision (29-28). Michael Nace def Ben Rodgers via Tko/KO in the 1st Round. Angelo Rivera Jr def Govine Greco via submission (Gullotine Choke) in the 1st Round. Jose Torres Def Dylan Rode via Submission (Head/Arm Choke) in the 1st Round. (Muay Thai) Vik Dixit def Cesar Ordorica via split decision. Gerardo Trejo def Angelo Walsh via Decision (29-27). Danny Flores def Ray Bunker via Armbar in the 1st Round.
RING GIRL INQUIRY? Email Brian@FightCard.net
Lightweight Championship Bout
Jose Mariscal def Anatol Grama via submission (Rear Naked Choke) in the 4th Round.
Heavyweight Championship Bout
Curtis Blaydes def Daniel James via submission (Head/Arm Choke) in the 1st Round.
Go to www.fightcard.net for photos and upcoming events 16 WHATS UP XTRA
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The Secret to Catching an Alligator
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde struggled with the gator. Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration . . . "Sonofabitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
SUDOKU Rules: Every column, row and 3x3 box must have numbers 1 to 9
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KARAOKE EVERY FRIDAY AND SATURDAY 8PM WATCH ALL YOUR FAVORITE SPORTING EVENTS ON OUR 7 PLASMA TV’S AND 100” PROJECTION TV.
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Across 1. Feel sick 4. Device used to control sound volume 9. Mozart’s “L’_del Cairo” 10. Over 21 11. “__ any drop to drink”: Coleridge 12. Not rural 13. Concert finale 15. Carry out 16. Watered the plants 18. You and me 20. Senile person 23. Kingdom 25. “Rocky __” 26. See eye to eye 27. Big TV maker 28. Fertile soil 29. “Amen!” Down 1. Bang-up 2. Computer image 3. Coniferous tree 4. Groups for golf 5. Evil jinnee, demon, or monstrous giant 6. Apply gently 7. “Good grief!” 8. Ashcroft’s predecessor 773.213.4597
Another kind of word game
14. Scads 17. Grocery store section 18. Russia’s __
Mountains 19. Utah’s state flower 21. Author of “Lasher” 22. “Buenos __” 24. “You __ here”
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IN C L C UD NE A E W P S S U P LE R S IZE
XER Game
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You haven’t boxed a Boxer till you’ve boxed...
THE GLOVE
For Fun For Tournaments
Bars and Event Coordinators call 773.213.4597
to order the Boxer at no cost & learn more about profit opportunities
New Machines: prizes paid out through the machine for top scores, wheel of fun,. and more...
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DO YOUR WANT MORE AZZES IN THE SEATS? DOES ADVERTISING WORK? IT JUST DID - PRINT & CALL 773.213.4597 MAGAZINE / ONLINE
Riddle Ri ddle of the Month What does man love more than life? Fear more than death or mortal strife? What do the poor have, what the rich require, And what contented men desire? What does the miser spend, the spendthrift save, And all men carry to their graves?
WIN A $25
GIFT CERTIFICATE
Text your answers to: 773-288-9400 or e-mail: whatsupxtra@yahoo.com Leave your name, e-mail, and telelphone number. All correct answers go into drawing.
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Answer to Last Months Riddle Here on earth, yesterday is always before today; but there is a place where yesterday always follows today. Where? Answer: In a Dictonary Winner: Jill Sansone WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM
CLUB BELMONT
Big John’s
LANDMARK PUB
5135 N. Oriole Harwood Heights 708.867.6533
7844 W. Belmont 773.589.2808
The Booze is Cheap & The Entertainment is Free!!!
BIKES, BABES & BOOZE
Sick and Wrong!!!
t u o b Out A &
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BACONFEST CHICAGO?
Baconfest Chicago is a nationally renowned, locally beloved festival dedicated to America’s favorite cured meat: bacon! At Baconfest, Chicago’s best chefs concoct and serve brilliant bacon dishes to thousands of passionate bacon lovers. Liquor sponsors provide cocktails, beer and wine designed to complement a bacon meal. Bacontrepreneurs and bacon-friendly brands exhibit their wares and connect with our bacon community. A panel of judges bestows the Golden Rasher awards on chefs and guests for achievement in the bacon arts. It is a raucous, rockin’ good time for everybody involved. Best of all, Baconfest donates a portion of the proceeds to the Greater Chicago Food Depository. They host a raffle and food drive at the event to support the GCFD’s mission and have even run a Baconfest volunteer day at the Depository’s repacking warehouse to help eliminate hunger in our communities! In 2013 and previous years, Baconfest tickets have sold out extremely quickly. Be sure to sign up for the email-list at http:// baconfestchicago.com/contact/join-mailing-list. This year Baconfest Chicago will be held at the UIC FORUM located at 725 W Roosevelt Road in Chicago. Announcing the Baconfest Chicago 2013 Cocktail Challenge… Interested in winning free tickets to the SOLD OUT Baconfest Chicago on April 20th? Then be sure to enter The Baconfest Chicago 2013 Best Bacon Cocktail Challenge (or the BFCBBCC for short…) This entire competition is being curated and conducted by Veteran Baconfest Chicago Mixologist extraordinaire Mike Ryan of Sable Kitchen & Bar. He’s been spinning bacon cocktails at Baconfest Chicago since 2010. So here’s how it works: Submit your bacon-cocktail recipes by carefully following the instructions below:
• Deadline to submit is April 5th at noon • Must be an original recipe • Must use actual bacon or bacon-fat as an ingredient. Bacon vodka, pork stock, etc are NOT applicable. • Recipe must be measured in fluid ounces • Recipe must have a name • Recipes that have ingredients which are originally produced (i.e. smoked cherries, syrups, etc) must include recipes for those ingredients • If possible, please submit a photo of your cocktail
Submit recipes to andre@baconfestchicago.com Finalists will be notified by April 8th and will be required to:
• Attend the Judges Panel hosted by Mike Ryan at Sable Kitchen & Bar on Saturday April 13th at 12 noon. • Be ready to prepare and to present your cocktail to Mike and a select panel of judges. • Be prepared to mix a maximum of five cocktail samples. You must bring your own key ingredients. You will have access to the resources of the full Sable Bar at your disposal as you prepare your creation for the contest.
The winner of this year’s contest will be announced immediately following the judging on April 13th. The victor will be given a pair of tickets to Baconfest Chicago on Saturday, April 20th at the UIC Forum. There you have it Bacon-Nation. Who out there thinks they have a bacon-cocktail that will blow our socks off? Bring it on!
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APRIL EVENTS MARK YOUR CALENDARS
April 1 – SOX home opener – Sox vs. KC at The Cell @ 3:10 April 7, 14, 21, 28 - Free admission at the DuSable Museum of African American history from noon to 5pm. www.dusablemuseum.org April 2, 9, 16, 23, 30 - Free admission at the Museum of Contemporary Art (plus free tours on Tuesdays at 1pm, 2pm and 6pm) and the Museum of Surgical Science. mcachicago.org April 4, 11, 18, 25 – Free admission at the Art Institute from 5pm to 8pm. www.artic.edu April 4, 11, 18, 25 – Free admission at the Peggy Notebaert Nature Museum all day. www.naturemuseum.org April 12 – Pilsen 2nd Friday Art Walk - The 30 or so galleries in the Arts District open their doors for free exhibits from 6pm – 10pm. chicagoartsdistrict.org
April 20 – Baconfest Celebrate all things bacon baconfestchicago.com April 20 - Windy City Rollers Watch Chicago’s roller derby girls in action. www.windycityrollers.com April 7, 14, 21, 28 – Free for All. Free improv comedy shows at the Playground. Best of all, shows are BYOB. www.the-playground.com April 8 – Cubs home opener – Cubs vs. Milwaukee Brewers at Wrigley Field. 1:20 April 14 – Greek Independence Day parade in Greektown at 2:30pm. www.greekfestivalslisting.com April 15 – 21 – Spa Week. Over 30 Chicago area spas are offering deep discounts on treatments. April 20 – Zombie Pub Crawl. Revelers dressed like zombies (with elaborate make-up and costumes) take over Andersonville bars. chicagozombie.com April 26-28 – Chicago Comic and Entertainment Expo. www.c2e2.com April 26 - Taste over 200 kinds of whisky at Whiskyfest. www.whiskyfestblog.com
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VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE APRIL BARTENDER
W
r u tra o X ho’s y te i w r o fav nder? e t r ba
Go to
facebook.com/wassupxtramagazine ‘Like’ the page and ‘Like’ or comment on the bartenders photo or text 773.288.9400 or vote @ www.whatsupxta.com The winner will receive a 4 hour limo bus from LIMOSALIVE.NET for 24 of their friends.
Bartender: Steve
Bartender: Jason
Duke‘s 2616 N Clark St
Stretch 3485 N. Clark
Signature Drink: James Algonquin
Signature Drink: Grape Soda Ingredients: Three Olives Grape, Blue Curacao, Grenadine, Sprite
Ingredients: Lemon rinsed glass, Dickle Rye Whiskey, Angostura Bitters, Regan’s Orange Bitters, Lillet Blanc, Pineapple Juice. Words of Wisdom: "A Delorean from the past might run you over."
Words of Wisdom: "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."
Bartender: Cassandra
Bartender: Megan
Toons 3857 N Southport Ave
Peek Inn 2825 W Irving Park
Signature Drink: Chicago Sweet-T
Signature Drink: Megatron
Ingredients: Sweet Tea Vodka, Water, Lemonade
Ingredients: Tequila, Orange, Pineapple, Cranberry Juice, Grenadine
Words of Wisdom: "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
Words of Wisdom: “Good girls are bad girls that never get caught."
MARCH BARTENDER OF THE MONTH IS... CONGRATULATIONS
Ryan
Playbook Sports Bar 6913 N. Milwaukee Niles “Love thy neighbor, but don’t get caught” Rules: All service employees are eligible to win. The service employee who receives the most votes in the month wins. You can submit your vote by texting (773) 288-9400 or go to facebook.com/whatsupxtramagazine “like” our page and vote under the bartender’s photo or go to www.whatsupxtra.com
*The Pub Crawl will begin at the employee of the months bar and the limo bus will accommodate 24 passengers. Gratuity not included and must be paid prior to service
Only one vote is counted per person and voting polls close on March 20th. FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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“When you stumble… make it part of the dance.” – The Wino
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BAR DIRECTORY
Where are you going tonight?: Lakeview East - Wrigleyville - Southport Bar Celona
3474 N. Clark
773-244-8000
Mullen’s
Bendan’s Pub
3169 N. Broadway
773-929-2929
Murphys Bleachers 3655 N. Sheffield
773-281-5356
Bernie’s
3664 N Clark
773-525-1898
Mystic Celt
3443 N. Southport
773-529-8550
Big City
1010 W. Belmot
773-935-1138
Newport Bar
1344 W Newport
773-325-9111
Blarney Stone
3424 N. Sheffield
773-348-1078
Nick’s Uptown
4015 N Sheridan
773-975-1155
Brew & View
3145 N. Sheffield
773-929-7150
North End
3733 N Halsted
Buck’s Saloon
3439 N. Halsted
773-525-1125
Paddy Long’s
1028 W Diversey
773-348-9711
Clark Street Bar 3040 N. Clark
773-281-6690
Parrots Bar
754 W Wellington
773-281-7878
Coobah
3423 N. Southport
773-528-2220
Piano Bar
3801 N. Clark
773-528-4033
Cubby Bear
1059 W Addison
773-327-1662
Raw Bar & Grill
3720 N Clark St
773-348-7291
Cullen’s Bar
3741 N. Southport
773-975-0600
Rebel Bar
3462 N. Clark
773-348-9084
Dram Shop
3040 N. Broadway
773-549-4401
Redmond’s
3358 N Sheffield
773-404-2151
Fiesta Cantina
3407 N. Clark
773-975-5980
Roadhouse 66
3330 N. Clark
773-525-8166
Friar Tucks
3010 N. Broadway
773-327-5101
Rockit Bar
3700 N.Clark
773-645-4400
Full Shilling
3724 N. Clark
773-248-3330
Rocks
3463 N. Broadway
773-472-0493
Goose Island
3535 N. Clark
773-832-9040
Roscoe’s
3356 N. Halsted
773-281-3355
Higgins Tavern
3259 N. Racine
773-281-7637
Schoolyard
3258 N Southport
773-528-8226
Holiday Club
4000 N. Sheridan
773-348-9600
Schubas Tavern 3159 N Southport
773-525-2508
Irish Oak
3511 N. Clark
Sheffield’s
3258 N Sheffield
773-281-4989
Jack’s Bar
2856 N Southport
773-404-8400
Sidetracks
3349 N. Halsted
773-477-9189
Jacklyn’s Bar
3400 N. Broadway
773-404-5149
Sluggers
3540 N Clark
773-248-0055
Jake’s Pub
2932 N Clark
773-248-3318
Smart Bar
3730 N Clark
773-549-4140
Joe’s On Broadway 3563 N Broadway
773-528-1054
Sopo
3418 N. Southport
773-348-0100
John Barleycorns 3524 N. Clark
773-549-6000
Southport Lanes 3325 N. Southport
773-472-6600
Justin’s
3358 N Southport
773-929-4844
Sports Corner
952 W. Addison
773-929-1441
Kit Kat Lounge
3700 N Halsted
773-525-1111
Take 5 Bar
3747. Southport
773-871-5555
L&L Tavern
3207 N. Clark
773-528-1303
Toon’s
3857 N. Southport
773-935-1919
Little Jim’s
3501 N. Halsted
773-871-6116
Town Hall Pub
3340 N Halsted
773-472-4405
Lucky’s 3
472 N. Clark
773-549-0665
Trace
3714 N. Clark
773-477-3400
Mad River
2909 N. Sheffield
773-935-7500
Trader Todd’s
3216 N Sheffield
773-348-3250
Matilda
3101 N Sheffield
773-883-4400
Vaughans Pub
2917 N. Sheffield
773-281-8188
Matisse
674 W. Diversey
773-528-6670
Vines
3554 N. Clark
773-327-8572
Merkles
3516 N Clark
773-244-1025
Wrigleyville North 3900 N Sheridan
773-929-9543
Metro Smart Bar 3730 N Clark
773-549-4140
Yak-Zies Bar
773-525-9200
Monsignor Murphys
773-348-7285
3019 N. Broadway
FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
773.213.4597
3527 N Clark
773-325-2319
7
3710 N Clark
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BAR DIRECTORY
Where are you going tonight?:
Lincoln Park & Old Town Augie's
1721 W. Wrightwood
773-296-0018
McGinny's Tap
313 W. North
773-943-5228
Bird's Nest
2500 N. Southport
773-472-1502
Mickey's
2450 N. Clark
773-435-0007
Blue's
2519 N. Halsted
773-525-8317
O' Brien's
1528 N. Wells
312-787-3131
Burton's Place
1447 N. Wells
773-664-4699
Old Town Ale
219 W. North
773-944-7020
Burwood Tap
7242 W. Wrightwood
773-525-2593
Old Town Pub
1339 N. Wells
773-266-6789
Clybar
417 N. Clybourn
773-388-1877
O'Malley's West 2249 N. Lincoln
773-935-2719
Corcoran's
1615 N. Wells
773-440-0885
Orso's
1401 N. Wells
773-787-6604
Delilah's
2771 N. Lincoln
773-472-2771
Ravens
2326 N. Clark
773-348-1774
Duffy's
422 W. Diversey
773-549-9090
River Shannon
425 W. Armitage
773-944-5087
Durkin's
810 W. Diversey
773-525-2515
Rocks
1301 W. Schubert
773-472-7728
Elbo Room
2817 N. Lincoln
773-549-5549
Saluki Bar
1208 N. Wells
773-274-1824
Field House Pub 2455 N. Clark
773-348-6489
Suite Lounge
1446 N. Wells
773-787-6106
Four Farthings
2060 N. Cleveland
773-935-2060
The Apartment
2251 N. Lincoln
773-348-5100
Frank's
2503 N. Clark
773-549-2700
The Local Option 1102 W. Webster
773-348-2008
Galway Arms
2442 N. Clark
773-472-5555
The Other Side
2436 N. Clark
773-525-8238
Gamekeepers
345 W. Armitage
773-549-0400
Tin Lizzie
2483 N. Clark
773-549-1132
Glascott's
2158 N. Halsted
773-281-1205
Tonic Room
2447 N. Halsted
773-248-8400
Goose Island
1800 N. Clybourn
773-915-0071
Weeds
1555 N. Dayton
312-943-7815
Halligan's Pub
2274 N. Lincoln
773-472-7940
Wellingtons
1300 W. Wellington
773-528-0654
Halsted Harp
2138 N. Halsted
773-348-3665
Wise Fools Pub 2270 N. Lincoln
773-929-1300
Hidden Shamrock 2732 N. Lincoln
773-883-0304
Witts
773-528-7032
Irish Eyes
773-348-9548
Wrightwood Tap 1059 W. Wrightwood
2
2519 N. Lincoln
2913 N. Lincoln
773-459-4949
Joe's Sports Bar 940 W. Weed
773-337-3486
John Barleycorn 2300 N. Lincoln
773-348-8899
John's Place
1200 W. Webster
773-525-6670
Kelly's Pub
949 W. Webster
773-281-0656
Kendall's Pub
2263 N. Lincoln
773-348-7200
A man invites his friend back home for dinner. The wife screams at him . . ."I've not done my hair, not done my make-up, not done any housework, not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking! What the hell did you invite him around for?"
Kincade's
950 W. Armitage
773-348-0010
"Cuz he's thinking of getting married."
Kingston Mines
2548 N. Halsted
773-477-4646
Lincoln Station
2432 N. Lincoln
773-472-8100
Lincoln Tap
3010 N. Lincoln
773-868-0060
Lion Head Pub
2251 N. Lincoln
773-348-5100
Max Bar
2247 N. Lincoln
773-549-5884
McGee's
950 W. Webster
773-549-8200
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Dinner Invitation
HELP WANTED NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY PART TIME AND FULL TIME EXTRA INCOME
CALL FOR DETAILS 773.213.4597 WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM
BAR DIRECTORY
Where are you going tonight?: Northwest Bill’s Pub
4104 N. Pulaski
773-202-0020
Paddy Macks
4157 N. Pulaski
773-279-9300
Brigadoon
5748 W Lawrence
773.777.2403
Rabbits
4945 W Foster
773-736-5766
Cabaret Lounge 6101 W. Montrose
773-736-2337
Roman’s
6448 N. Milwaukee
773-467-9827
Casual Tap
5924 W Montrose
773-283-9490
Sidekicks
4424 W Montrose
773-545-6212
Charlotte’s Bar
6000 W Gunnison
773-775-3616
Six Penny Bit
5800 W. Montrose
773-545-2033
Charm Bar
4630 W. Lawrence
773-685-2233
Thatch Pub
5707 N. Milwaukee
773-763-8179
Club Belmont
7844 W. Belmont
773-598-2808
Three Counties
5856 N. Milwaukee
773-631-3351
Di’s Den
5100 W Irving Park
773-736-7170
Tommy’s
6954 W Higgins
773-631-4451
Dugan’s
6051 N. Milwaukee
773-467-5555
Trinity Pub
5943 N. Northwest
773-763-0095
Edison Park Inn 6713 N. Olmsted
773-775-1404
Vaughan’s Pub
5485 Northwest
773-631-9206
Emerald Isle Pub 2537 W Peterson
773-561-6674
Windsor Tavern
4530 N. Milwaukee
773-736-3400
Fantasy Lounge 4400 N Elston
773-685-8083
Zachary’s
5368 N Milwaukee
773-792-0933
Filonek’s
6213 N. Milwaukee
773-775-5010
Galvin’s Public
5901 W Lawrence
773-205-0570
Gladstone’s
5734 N. Milwaukee
773-763-3385
Ham Tree Inn
5333 N. Milwaukee
773-792-2072
Little Johnny’s Got It Going On The teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up? Little Johnny, said “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
Harry’s On Elston 5943 N. Elston
773-774-4166
Harwood Bar
6438 W. Montrose
708-867-7781
Hops N Barley
4359 N Milwaukee
773-286-7415
Jet’s Public Hou 6148 N. Milwaukee
773-775-7587
Jimmy Macks
5581 N. Northwest
773-631-1466
Joe E’s Lounge
4206 W Irving Park
773-283-3422
And you, Susie?
Landmark Pub
5135 N. Oriole
773-867-6533
"I wanna be Johnny's bitch!"
Lasko’s
5525 N Milwaukee
773-774-9800
Lizard Lounge
3058 W. Irving Park
773-463-7599
Margaret’s
5134 W. Irving Park
773-685-4493
Mary’s Place
6300 N. Milwaukee
773-775-7587
MCM Pub
3906 N. Cicero
773-736-2644
McNamaras
4328 W Irving Park
773-725-1800
Mo Dailey’s
6070 N. Northwest Hwy
773-774-6121
Moretti’s
6727 N. Olmsted
773-631-1223
Mrs. O’Leary’s
4368 N. Milwaukee
773-427-7300
Mug Shots
7718 W. Addison
773-625-8466
Murrays
5522 N Elston
773-774-3466
Night Caps
5007 W Irving Park
773-282-8654
Nil’s Tap
5734 N. Elston
773-594-1288
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The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
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BAR DIRECTORY
Where are you going tonight?:
Lakeview West/ Roscoe Village / North-Center / Lincoln Square / Albany Park / Ravenswood Andersonvile 240 Lounge
3948 W. Lawrence
773-267-0474
Huetten Bar
4721 N. Lincoln
773-561-2507
42 Latitude
3341 N Western
773-910-1473
Jury's
4337 N. Lincoln
773-935-2255
Abbey Pub
3420 W. Grace
773-478-4408
Katerina's
1902 W. Irving
773-348-7592
Atlantic Bar
5062 N. Lincoln
773-506-7090
Keenan O' Reilly's 3916 N. Ashland
773-857-3800
Bad Dog
4535 N. Lincoln
773-334-4040
Leadway Bar
5233 N. Damen
773-728-2663
Big Joe’s
1818 W Foster
773-784-8755
Long Room
1612 W. Irving
773-665-4500
Black Rock
3614 N. Damen
773-348-4044
Margie's Pub
4145 N. Lincoln
773-477-1644
Brownstone
3937 N. Lincoln
773-528-3700
Mulligan's
2000 W. Roscoe
773-549-4225
Carol’s Pub
4659 N Clark
773-334-2402
Mutiny
2428 N. Western
773-486-7774
Celtic Crown
4301 N. Western
773-588-1110
Oakwood 83
1969 W. Montrose
773-327-2785
Chicago Joe's
2256 W. Irving
773-478-7000
O'Donovan's
2100 W. Irving
773-478-2100
Chief O'Neills
3471 N. Elston
773-583-3066
O'Lanagan
2335 W. Montrose
773-583-2252
Christina's Place 3759 N. Kedzie
773-463-1768
Rail Bar
4709 N Damen
773-878-9400
Claddagh Ring
773-271-4794
Richochet's
4644 N. Lincoln
773-271-3127
Cody's Public House 1658 W. Barry
773-528-4050
Riverview
1958 W. Roscoe
773-871-1200
Daily's Bar
4560 N. Lincoln
773-561-6198
Roscoe Villiage Pub 2159 W. Addison
773-472-6160
Farraguts
5240 N Clark
773-728-4903
Save More Lounge 4060 N. Lincoln
773-281-1444
Finley Dunnes
3458 N. Lincoln
773-477-7311
Side Street
1456 W. George
773-327-1127
Fizz
3220 N. Lincoln
773-348-6000
Silvie's
1902 W. Irving
773-871-6239
Foley's
1841 W. Irving
773-929-1210
Small Bar
2956 N. Albany
773-509-9888
Four Moon
1847 W. Roscoe
773-929-6666
Stadium West
3188 N. Elston
773-866-2450
Four Shadows
2758 N. Ashland
773-248-9160
Ten Cat Tavern
3931 N. Ashland
773-935-5377
Four Trey's Pub 3333 N. Damen
773-549-8845
The Temple
3001 N. Ashland
773-248-0990
Fuller's Pub
3203 W. Irving
773-478-8060
Uptown Lounge 1136 W. Lawrence
773-878-1136
Gio’s
4857 N. Damen
773-334-0345
Villiage Tap
2055 W. Roscoe
773-883-0817
Hidden Cove
5336 N. Lincoln
773-275-3955
Waterhouse
3407 N. Paulina
773-871-1200
Hidden Cove
5338 N. Lincoln
773-275-6711
Wild Goose
4265 N. Lincoln
773-281-7112
Horseshoe
4115 N. Lincoln
773-248-1366
Windy City Inn
2257 W. Irving
773-588-7088
2306 W. Foster
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TAT T L E TA L E S
Curtains By Rob Christiansen
I talked to an attorney about making a will, the sole purpose being to exclude my little cousin from ever making a claim on my estate. She’s bad news. I suspect that her cooking, usually one of her strong suits, is also her weapon of choice. I doubt that the attorney wanted the job since he had been her first husband. He survived the marriage, thanks to his health care benefits, I’m guessing, in retrospect. The conflict of interest I created by asking him to make my will was an elephant in the room, but he did give me some advice. My friend, the attorney, gave me a to-do list that included bugging human resources at my job, and getting my nephew and nieces’ social security numbers from my sisters. I had gotten the SSNs several years ago but didn’t remember where to look for them. I didn’t want to bug my sisters for the data again because it would just remind them how I was always losing things and they would get a good laugh out of it. There is no surprise ending to this column that conveniently ties everything together. I’m not sick or planning to go anywhere. If anything, I fear being poisoned by my cousin. It’s not a rational fear, as it’s more of a recurring dream. Sometimes I eat a light supper since I usually eat well in my dream as long as I wake up before I’m poisoned. You might say that along the way I lost the will to make a will and that I’d rather smell roses without pausing for five minutes to consider being six feet under roses. Yet, I have to do something before it’s too late. With these mutually exclusive thoughts in mind, I personally undertook the task of composing my will omitting words such as “undertook.” Imagine my Last Will and Testament as a treatment for a drama or a comedy…or a dramedy. You don’t know how devious my widow maker cousin is! I’m damned if I don’t make a will. And if I made one that didn’t mention her, she’d insist that I simply forgot to name her, and she’d show up at the reading with a plate of cookies. Incidentally, I hereby designate my younger sister as the executrix of my will. I hereby put in plain writing that 100% of my condo goes HALF to the four children of my younger sister and HALF to the child of my older sister (though, for the record, both of my sisters are younger than I). Cousin Lucy doesn’t receive anything, not even if she serves dim sum at the reading. You’ll know she made those hors d’oevres herself, and ordinarily that’s a good thing, but timing is everything. I’ll mail the kids copies of this column, which I hereby assert as binding.
FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
It’s true that my cousin and one of her subsequent husbands used to reside in my condo and that 75% of all those men are still alive. However, she didn’t sign the lease or leave a paper trail. It was months into the lease signed by her husband when, as I believe, she poisoned him, but the medical examiner didn’t share my concern, or analyze his stomach. I once saw a bottle of rat poison in my kitchen. I wasn’t yet on to my cousin and didn’t know how the bottle got there. I assumed the previous owner left it. But you’d think I would have remembered seeing a bottle of rat poison during the walk-through. Selective memory is like toast but offhand I forget why that is, or maybe I’m just not trying. My cousin is not to inherit anything except for the curtains she made that continue to hang in my dining room and sun room windows. I’m not a curtains aficionado, but to my eye they’re a good match and I’ll hate to see them go, even if I’m going first. I have a car, piano, a computer, four television sets and an iPhone. These I leave to any niece or nephew of mine who wants them, but most decidedly not to my conniving cousin. She has a sense of entitlement, and furthermore, the bottle of rat poison is missing since she left. I’m adding a codicil because I changed my mind regarding disposition of the curtains. They are to stay. My cousin designed them specifically for my condo. The colors she chose are perfect, yellow & blue in one room and dual tones of green in another. I do express my appreciation for having seen her create the curtains from bolts of fabric she selected at Hancock’s in Edgewater on her mother’s old fashioned Singer sewing machine. This recollection prompts the codicil. But I’m the one who paid for the fabric. One circumstance under which my cousin can have the curtains is if she offers to cook for my nephew and nieces. In that case, they should say, “No, thanks,” and give her the curtains, “to go.” I have found my nephew and nieces’ SSNs on a beneficiaries’ form I gave to my employer when I was hired. The document was in a shoebox inside a larger box under my stairs, and that’s where it is if anyone needs it. The bank I pay my mortgage to should be made aware. My crafty cousin is going to sweet talk you when I’m gone, though I doubt that she’d ever cook with rat poison for anyone outside the family. Actually, I have no reason to doubt that. Just be careful, bank, even as you bravely challenge my cousin in the face of her stealth wrath. Look for a copy of this column in the mail, although you can stop mailing my monthly statements since I have access to all that information online. I certify that I was of sound mind while I made my will. Signed on this date in April 2013. 773.213.4597
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Starting The Day With PUNS
Celebrating 18 Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!
When chemists die they barium. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. Says he can stop any time. I stayed up all night to see where the sun goes. Then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother . "Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?" Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!"
“Confidence doesn't come out of nowhere. It's a result of something…hours and days and weeks and years of constant work and dedication.” - Roger Staubach, businessman, former NFL quarterback
APRIL BASEBALL CUBS
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WHITE SOX
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Go to MODAILEYS.COM or MO DAILEY’S on FACEBOOK
6070 N. Northwest Hwy Next to Norwood Park Metra station and right on Northwest Hwy 773 -774-6121
PRIVATE PARTY ROOM
Private party room with 9 50” hdtv’s and custom food & drink packages available. Call Today DJ’s EVERY FRiDAY NiGHT!
every saturday night!
best live band venue in the area! live bands
$1
BOTTLES THURSDAYS
NEW CRAFT BEER MENU
Check Checkout outour our NEW FOOD MENU NEW FOOD MENU&&try tryone oneof ofour our NEW SIGNATURE BEER COCKTAILS NEW SIGNATURE BEER COCKTAILS
The “DOUBLE D”! Mo Dailey’s original DEEP FRIED BURGER!!!
COME CHEER ON THE BLACKHAWKS WITH A BLACKHAWKS BEER BUCKET
A Normal Night At The Movies A farmer decided He wanted to go to town and see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster chuck. Wherever i go, chuck goes." "I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent "We can't allow animals in the theater." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named ethel & mildred. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. .. .. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie. "Ethel", whispered mildred. "What?" Said ethel. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" Asked ethel? "He undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered mildred. "Well, don't worry about it", said ethel.. "At our age we've seen 'em all" "I thought so too", said mildred, "But this one is eatin' my popcorn...!" FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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Kelly’s Pub 949 W. WEBSTER
773- 281- 0656
Come in and join us all year as we celebrate
80
VISIT US AT KELLYSPUB.COM FOR UPCOMING EVENTS
Sunday: Monday:
$15 Miller Lite Buckets & $3 Lagunitas Draft $1 Coors Drafts
Tuesday: Wednesday:
$2 Bud & Bud Light Bottles $2 Bud Light & Coors Light Drafts, $3 Craft Drafts & $5 Premium Drafts $8 Bud Light & Coors Light Pitchers + $5 3 Olive Vodka Bombs $4 Goose Island Green Line Drafts $12 Coors Buckets
Thursday: Friday: Saturday: 32 WHATS UP XTRA
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