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BARTENDER OF THE MONTH JOE & MARGE Trinity Pub
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VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE DECEMBER BARTENDER Go to
facebook.com/wassupxtramagazine ‘Like’ the page and ‘Like’ or comment on the bartenders photo or text 773.288.9400 or vote @ www.whatsupxta.com The winner will receive a 6 hour limo bus from LIMOSALIVE.NET for 24 of their friends. Bartender: Richard
Bartender: Sylvia
Wild Hare 2610 N Halsted
240 Lounge 3948 W Lawrence
Signature Drink: Cadillac Margarita
Signature Drink: Slippery Butt Ingredients: Baileys, Crown Royal, Butterscotch Schnapps
Ingredients: Tequila, Grand Marnier, Sweet & Sour Mix, Red Bull
Words of Wisdom: "A good rule of thumb with alcohol: If you heard it in a rap song, it's not worth your money."
Words of Wisdom: “Always do sober the things you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”
Bartender: Moira
Bartender: Lindsey
ComedySportz 929 W Belmont
Four Treys Tavern 3333 N Damen
Signature Drink: Chicago Sunset
Signature Drink: The Fruit Fly Ingredients: Stoli Razberi, Lemonade, Cranberry
Ingredients: Vodka, OJ, Grenadine, Sprite
Words of Wisdom: "For those that don't have the balls to drink Malort!"
Words of Wisdom: "Every great society was built around alcohol."
NOVEMBER BARTENDER OF THE MONTH IS... CONGRATULATIONS
JOE & MARGE Trinity Pub
5943 N. Northwest Hwy
“It’s good for two things... turkey and taking the paint off a Buick.” Rules: All service employees are eligible to win. The service employee who receives the most votes in the month wins. You can submit your vote by texting (773) 288-9400 or go to facebook.com/whatsupxtramagazine “like” our page and vote under the bartender’s photo or go to www.whatsupxtra.com
Only one vote is counted per person and voting polls close on December 20th. *The Pub Crawl will begin at the employee of the months bar and the limo bus will accommodate 24 passengers. Gratuity not included and must be paid prior to service FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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Are you currently looking for a part-time opportunity? What’s Up Xtra Magazine is looking for Sales Associates, Photographers, and Writers to join our dynamic team. Qualified candidates must be outgoing, professional and enjoy meeting new people. If you are interested in hearing more about these opportunities, please contact us at 773-288-9400 or email us at whatsupxtra.com. Serious inquiries only please.
Happy Holidays
TABLE OF CONTENTS
OUR ST A FF keith romack publisher
3 bartender of the month 8 news of interest
Lisa romack Sales Director
9 word find 10 book review 12 ask the wino ‘
Whats Up CHICAGO
JUNE 2012 BEER GARDENS WHAT’S UP THIS MONTH
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Front page photo taken at TBox 2011 The name What’s Up Xtra Magazine is a registered trade name, and use of this name is strictly prohibited. The contents of this publication are copyrighted What’s Up Xtra Chicago Magazine -2012 We encourage our readers to write their stories, send photos, and make comments. All submissions sent to us by phone, email, fax, or handwritten become the property of What’s Up Xtra Chicago Magazine.
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Kelly’s Pub VISIT US AT KELLYSPUB.COM
949 W. WEBSTER
Sunday:
$15 Miller Lite Buckets & $3 Lagunitas Draft
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“Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell 'em ‘certainly I can!’ Then get busy and find out how to do it.” Theodore Roosevelt, 26th president of the United States
DECEMBER 13TH @ 4PM
A Christmas Wish An Italian man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me." The Italian man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy?" After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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DECEMBER SPECIALS
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$1 Off EVERYTHING & $4 Pints of ALL Draft Beers
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PRIVATE PARTY ROOM AVAILABLE FOR HOLIDAY PARTIES! - CALL J.R. 773-281-1205
DECEMBER HOROSCOPE ARIES: Work pressure in December is being balanced by a strong sense of motivation, but that could be more about raising the bar and making sure you're not asleep at the wheel. TAURUS: Since you are gifted with compassion, people gravitate to you. Take care of yourself; even pamper yourself, so you have enough to offer when others need you. GEMINI: Your energy may start on the low side, but once you realize how important your contributions are to family, friends and others, your energy reserve will kick in. CANCER: The necessity to let go and not look back starts at the end of December. Eliminate clutter, plans, people, and behavior that don't contribute to your wellbeing. LEO: Your visions of the future only hold success, but also plan how you will handle an occasional failure. Look at each money-related opportunity with a critical eye. VIRGO: Christmas break and family festivities can be revitalizing. Finish up at work, have your shopping done and be ready to help the host. Then relax and have fun. FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
LIBRA: Try spicing up the holidays by adding some new elements to the festivities. But another important factor emphasizes friendliness, cooperation, and sharing. SCORPIO: With much holiday bustle, you might start to feel exhausted. Relax in an easy chair, meditate, and then start again, this time in a relaxed frame of mind. SAGITTARIUS: The stars say December is a time of deliberate action. Successful projects undertaken during this month will be calculated and pursued with energy. CAPRICORN: Health and fitness will likely be foremost in your mind in December. For some, it's a season for putting on weight. For you, it's a time to focus on fitness. AQUARIUS: Having a winning attitude might mean saying you feel great when you don't. Look for the good in life by pasting a smile on your face. The world will smile back. PISCES: Professionally, you can look forward to full support from your colleagues and bosses in the coming year. Financially, you'll do well in balancing income and expenses. 773.213.4597
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News
Now There’s A New Cloud In The Sky Save a Little Faster With Your 401(k)
For 2012, you can increase a contribution to your 401(k) before your last paycheck. The federal maximum contribution to a 401(k) is $17,000 for 2012 ($22,500 if you are 50 or older). Some employers let you contribute a year-end bonus to your 401(k) if you designate the money before the last check is written. Most allow plan participants to change the amount for their 401(k) at any time, which leaves you a small window to increase your contribution.
Blizzards Will Have Names Like Hurricanes The Weather Channel is taking on a new responsibility: naming winter blizzards. The new naming system will use Greek and Roman names. The first three are Athena, Brutus and Caesar. The names will always be used in alphabetical order. Who says there is nothing new under the sun? Weather fans are looking to recognize a type of cloud that was first identified in 1951, but has been ignored like cumulus as a picnic. Though it took more than 60 years to do it, cloudspotters around the world have gained recognition for the cloud known by its Latin name, Undulatus Asperatus, or "agitated waves." The newly named cloud spreads across all of the sky like a floating lid. The body of the cloud looks like folds in a blanket. Meteorologists say winds at the cloud level cause the cloud to be sheared into wave-like forms. The ominous-looking spectacle is more common in the plains states of the United States, often during the morning or midday hours following convective thunderstorm activity. Undulatus asperatus is still not official, however, and only one organization can give it recognition it deserves: The United Nations World Meteorological Organization (WMO) in Geneva. Until Undulatus asperatus makes the WMO's International Cloud Atlas, it's just another mammatus cloud acting funny.
Storm naming will occur no more than three days before a winter storm's expected impact. The most important factors will be expected snowfall, ice accumulations and wind speed, say analysts writing in USA Today. To avoid confusion, none of the winter storm names has been on any list produced by the hurricane center. Winter storms in the United States have acquired names through pop culture, such as Snowmaggedon, and social media, such as Snotober. Snowstorms blowing in from Lake Erie are legendary in Buffalo. Locally, they have been named after snakes (Anaconda, Boa, Copperhead) or insects (Aphid, Bedbug, Caterpillar). Australian forecaster Clement Wragge used the first formal names for hurricanes in the late 1880s. He named some after women and some after politicians he didn't like according to Bob Sheets, former National Hurricane Center director, in his book Hurricane Watch. The present hurricane naming system started in the mid-1950s, using women's names. Men's names were added in 1979.
How Much Should They Charge For a Charge? The owners of about 50,000 electric cars in the United States are getting a great bargain on charging their cars. Public charging is often free, but that could soon change. Companies and cities installing electric charger systems (often with federal subsidies) want to get their networks up and running well before setting per-hour fees.
typical plug-in car can take in 3.3 kilowatt-hours of electricity an hour, which presently costs 30 to 50 cents. That means a price of $1 to $2 an hour is fair. According to the Institute, anything above $2 an hour is more expensive than gasoline.
Some providers are skipping the whole per-hour calculations and charging by the month for unlimited access. NRG Energy, Inc. charges $39 a month for unlimited access at public chargers. As companies begin collecting fees, the most The price is $89 a month for unlimited use of fast common approach will be to bill customers by public chargers and for a slower 240-volt home the length of time spent charging or by a monthly charger. subscription fee, rather than the amount of The Electric Power Institute projects that, within electricity dispensed. three or four years, there could be four times as Electric-vehicle experts at the Electric Power many electric vehicles on American roads as Research Institute in Palo Alto, California, say a there are now.
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Be Careful What You Eat
A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table. Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!" "That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."
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“It's important to think of the challenges or problems in your life, but even more important is to 'put 'em down' at the end of every day before you go to sleep. That way, you're not stressed; you wake up every day fresh and strong and you can handle any issue, any challenge that comes your way!” Author unknown, from As a Man Thinketh
The Coal Sacker, the Cork Soaker and the Real Thing Three defendants charged with solicitation stood before the judge in night court. “I reviewed the paperwork on each of you and this is your first offense,” the judge said. “You are here based only on circumstantial evidence and I’m inclined to dismiss your case. What is your usual occupation?” “I’m a coal sacker, your honor,” said the first defendant. “I work in the coal mine with a shovel, and I shovel coal into sacks. I was waiting for the bus to go home after work when I was arrested.” “I’m a cork soaker, your honor,” said the second defendant. “I work at the winery and soak the corks before they are put in the wine bottles. I was walking home after work when I was arrested.” “I’m the real thing, your honor,” said the third defendant. She blew a bubble until it burst with a loud ‘pop!’ “I was yanked by the back of my neck out of the passenger seat of a parked car. I’m surprised the cops saw me. I was in the middle of my shift when I was arrested.”
How Will You Measure Your Life?
BOOK REVIEW
Written by Clayton M. Christensen, James Allworth, and Karen Dillon Will You Measure Your Life By the Size of Your Paychecks?
Harvard professor Clayton Christensen has co-written a new book that asks, How Will You Measure Your Life? He applies his business-school theories to individuals and says that, in the end, relationships are more important. Drawing on his business research and using examples from his own experiences, he explains how high achievers all too often fall into traps that lead to unhappiness. He offers a series of guidelines for finding meaning and he answers these questions: * How can I be sure I'll find satisfaction in my career? * How can I be sure that my personal relationships become enduring sources of happiness? * How can I avoid compromising my integrity (and stay out of jail)? Using lessons from the world's greatest leaders, he provides insights. In an interview with CNNMoney.com, Christensen was asked how a person should be measuring his or her career. He replied, in part: "You want to be in a job where you're motivated. That means you've got an engine inside of you that drives you to keep working to feel successful and to help the organization be successful. Examples of motivating thoughts: I have the opportunity to achieve important things. I get recognized for my achievements. I learn ways to be better. I'm an important part of a team." When asked what mistake people make when thinking about being happy at work, he said, "They don't watch for opportunities that inadvertently arise. They should be open to them." The book is full of inspiration and wisdom that will help students, professionals and parents achieve fulfillment. How Will You Measure Your Life? by Clayton M. Christensen, James Allworth, and Karen Dillon. HarperBusiness, $25. Kindle edition, $9.95.
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The Horse of God
There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary ďŹ nds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"
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The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to take it go and 'Amen' to make it stop." Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok." So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally he remembers, "Amen!!" The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God." FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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HOLIDAY GIFT IDEAS
Kindle's Paperwhite and Barnes and Noble's Nook
These Tablets Let You Read In the Dark While color tablets have taken the spotlight, it's refreshing to see black-andwhite electronic readers get some love, says reviewer Edward C. Baig. Not only does Kindle's Paperwhite let you read in a dark bedroom without a reading lamp, but you can also read the screen in daylight. The front-lit technology in the new Kindle does a great job of distributing light uniformly across its 6-inch screen. You're aware of the light but not distracted by it.
Paperwhite starts at $119 with ad that Amazon refers to as "special offers." It costs $139 without these offers. A model with free 3G cellular access that would let you search for and purchase eBooks when you're out of reach of Wi-Fi costs $179 with ads and $199 without them. Battery life is claimed to be up to two months, assuming you leave the brightness level at the default setting, turn off Wi-Fi, and read about 30 minutes a day. Though you can charge Paperwhite with the supplied USB cable by hooking it up to a computer, an AC power plug is a $10 accessory. Some months before Paperwhite's debut, Barnes and Noble unveiled a Nook electronic reader that became the first E-ink-based device that lets you read in the dark. Pages turn fast. The Nook Simple Touch with GlowLight was called, "the most versatile e-reader that's ever been created." It has 2GB of storage, ample room for 1,000 books, weighs only 7.48 ounces and it costs $139. Barnes and Noble says two out of three readers read in bed, and 42 percent moved to another room so they wouldn't disturb their partner.
For Him: Beer Of The Month Clubs
Gift recipients receive 12 bottles of premium microbrews (4 different kinds) every month from award-winning breweries nationwide. Free shipping and instant gift messages with all orders. Available in 3, 6, 12 month and quarterly lengths. Amazing Clubs offers 36 Gift of the Month Clubs including wine, chocolate, flowers, coffee, hot sauce, teddy bears, ice cream, salsa, BBQ sauce and many more. Go to gifts.com for other great club ideas.
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Ask The Wino... Wino: Sammy "The Bone" Jones Smells like: Grecian Formula #5 Likes: 60's Porn and Silk Shirts Dislikes: Jalapeños and Manscaping Sherman the Executive Chef asks: I am the Executive Chef of a famous restaurant and between the incompetent staff and the sniveling guests I am constantly inundated with extreme amounts of stress and pressure. I really need to find a release and am considering meditation? Any words of wisdom? Wino: To meditate, grab your penis with your right hand if you are right handed, or your left hand if you are left handed, and yank repeatedly. It helps to hone in on your visualization skills during the process. I like to envision monkeys throwing feces at one another, which I am told is decidedly Freudian. Some say that you’ll need glasses if you meditate too much, but don’t worry, this is a complete misboner. Payton the Flight Attendant asks: Everything about my boyfriend is terrific except for the fact that every pair of underwear he owns has holes in them. I thought with Christmas coming up I could slip in a little box of undies without raising any red flags. Boxers or Briefs? Wino: Are you fu**in with me? Underwear for Christmas? Makes me think you need a spankin. But to answer your question, boxers are too violent and I have been told on more than a few occasions that briefs are vagina repellent, so I usually go commando. To avoid chaffing, you just need to get calluses started on certain parts of your inner thigh and Voilà.
Carey the Worshiper asks: I find myself struggling with many internal urges and have researched the bible and it tells me to suppress my carnal thoughts. Why doesn’t God want me to have a threesome?
Wino: You need to be able to count that high first, dip shit. Oh, and dude, two farms animals don’t count.
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THE LIGHTER SIDE
Fur Coat
A mother and her daughter were shopping in the mall. The mother sees an expensive fur coat then says, “I think I'll buy my own present this year instead of asking you and dad to shop for me." "But, Mom," the daughter protests, "some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so you can have this." "Don't worry, honey, your dad will get over it!"
Words of Wisdom
The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, one nun opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass. "Mother," the nuns pleaded, "please give us some wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."
Breaking In
Are You Smarter Than CHESTER “The Sock Monkey”? The 12 Days Of Christmas 1. "On the 3rd day of Christmas, what new item did my true love send me?" Geese, French Hens, Golden Rings, or Swans 2. "On the 5th day of Christmas, what new item did my true love send to me?" Partridge, Maids, Golden Rings, or Horses 3. "On the 2nd day of Christmas, what did my true love send to me?" Silver Ornaments, Dancing Ladies, Cows Mooing, or Turtle Doves 4. "On the 8th day of Christmas, what new item did my true love send to me?" Milking Maids, Singing Sparrows, Drummers Drumming, or Calling Birds 5. "On the 1st day of Christmas what did my true love send to me?" Pear Tree, Turquoise Turkey, Skim Milk, or French Hens 6. "On the 11th day of Christmas, what new item did my true love send to me?" Jingle Bells, Pipers Piping, Red Bells, or Oyster Dressing 7. "On the 7th day of Christmas, what did my true love give to me?" Slimy Fish, Bag of Rocks, Swimming Swans, or a Broken Nose 8. "On the 10th day of Christmas, what did my true love send to me?" Leaping Lords, Joking Jokers, Calling Birds, or Turtle Doves 9. "On the 4th day of Christmas, what did my true love send to me?" Five Golden Rings, Two Turtle Doves, Six Geese, or Eight Maids 10. "On the 12th day of Christmas, what new item did my love send to me?" Swans, Puppies, Monkeys, or Drummers
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "Oh, no!" said the man, "I just want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
The Accident
"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the waitress came in.
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6. 7. 8. 9. 10.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
French Hens Golden Rings Turtle Doves Calling Birds Pear Tree
"What did you do?" asked the bartender.
Answers 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm Street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and his leg was broken. His skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course."
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A Christmas Love Story A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
LIVE COUNTRY& WESTERN MUSIC 4659 N. Clark 773.334.2402 CAROLSPUBCHICAGO.COM MON TUE WED THU FRI SAT SUN
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$1 Draft, $2 Domestic Bottles, $5 Pitchersers $2.75 Domestic Bottles $10 PITCHERS of Beer - LIVE BAND + Jam w/ Country Claude 9p-4a World Class KARAOKE 9p-4a LIVE BAND - DIAMONDBACK 9p-4a LIVE BAND - DIAMONDBACK 9p-5a $10 PITCHERS of BEER + LIVE BAND
Mon, Tue 9a - 2a / Wed, Thur, Fri, Sun 11a - 4a / Sat 11a - 5a
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
Carol’s Kitchen serves Hot Sandwiches Late!
DEC
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
DRINK - MARTINI - SHOT by Lisa Romack
Cuppa Good Cheer
Candy Red Apple Martini
Pomegranate Cooler
Ingredients: edients: 1 1/2 ounces SKYY Infusions (cherry) 1/2 ounce White Creme de Cacao 1 ounce Half & Half 4 ounces Hot Cocoa Maraschino Cherry Whipped Cream
Ingredients: 1/2 ounce Butterscotch Schnapps 1 1/2 ounces Vodka 1 ounce Sour Apple Schnapps 1 ounce Cranberry Juice
Ingredients: 1 oz Vodka 1/2 oz Orange Liqueur 1 1/2 cup Pomegranate Juice (chilled) 6 Mint Leaves 1/2 teaspoon Fresh Ginger Juice Any Lemon/Lime Soda (chilled) Sugar or Honey to Taste
Combine your SKYY Infusions, Creme de Cacao, Half & Half and Hot Cocoa into your favorite holiday mug and mix thoroughly. To garnish, top with whipped cream and maraschino cherry. If desired, scatter red or green sprinkles over your whipped cream before serving. FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
Pour the butterscotch schnapps, vodka, apple schnapps, and cranberry juice into a cocktail shaker over ice. Cover, and shake until the outside of the shaker has frosted. Strain into a chilled martini glass to serve. Rim the glass with colored sugar and garnish with a candy cane.
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Muddle the mint leaves (with sugar or honey if you are using it). Combine the vodka, orange liqueur, pomegranate, cranberry juice, and ginger juice with the mint leaves. Add ice and give it a good shake. Pour into individual glasses half way and fill up with soda. Garnish with mint leaves.
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www.FightCard.net Want to Compete? Contact Nilo @ 312.369.4180
RING GIRL INQUIRY? Email Brian@FightCard.net
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LAST MMA EVENT FOR 2012
Wrap up 2012 with a bang. Get your fix of high adrenaline action as Fight Card Entertainment presents DEVASTATION at Joe's Bar on Weed Street. Thursday, December 20th we will host 2 Championship titles for the 135lb division and the 185lb division. Make sure you join us live to experience over 12 explosive fights, including female fighters Jessica Heuer vs. Kay Grochowska, Mike Hampton, Alex Lagunas and more. Tickets on sale at www. FightCard.net. Doors open at 7pm and this is a 21+ event. Call 773-745-1112 for information
UFC FIGHTER RICARDO LAMAS FIGHTS
FIND US AT WWW.POLKSTPUB.COM
Mon: $3.50 Wells, $2.50 Bud Lt Drafts, $2 Old Style/PBR Cans & .40 Cent Wings (after 3pm). Tues: $4 Guinness Drafts, $3.50 Wells, $3 Coronas & 1/2 Price Appetizers (after 3pm). Wed: $4 Stella Drafts, $3.75 Bacardi Bombs, $2.50 Old Style Bottles & .40 Cent Wings (after 3pm). Thurs: $3.50 Wells, $2.50 Bud Lt Drafts, $2 Old Style/PBR Cans & $1 Tacos (After 3pm). Fri:
$5.50 Bacardi ‘Round the World, $4 Guinness Drafts & $3.50 312 Drafts.
Sat:
$4 Stella Drafts, $4 Cazadores Shots, $3.75 Bacardi Bombs & 1/2 Price Appetizers & 40 Cent Wings
Sun:
$4 Bloody Marys, $4 Stella Drafts, $3.50 Coronas & .40 Cent Wings (All Day).
LIVE on Sundays
(details @ polkstpub.com)
Optimist and Pessimist A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
IN CHICAGO JAN.26
Chicago gets a special treat as their hometown hero Ricardo Lamas takes to the octagon at UFC on FOX on January 26th at the United Center. Lamas, who made his MMA debut with Fight Card Entertainment in January 2009, will face his toughest fight yet as he faces Eric Koch. Winner of this bout will be #1 contender for the UFC Featherweight title. Ricardo Lamas
548 W. POLK 312-786-1142
Daily Specials:
Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" the father asked. "Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin. Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
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La La’s Love Letters Dear La La, I really adore my boyfriend, but I can't help thinking of other men when we are "doing it." What does it mean when I fantasize about other people during sex? Fantasia
met. I've tried everything I know to try to reach out to her and build a relationship, but every effort has been unsuccessful. I'm afraid this will present problems in our marriage moving forward. Any advice? Just Advice Jim
Dear Fantasia, I think it's normal for the mind to sometimes create scenarios with other people, to bring the level of eroticism to another, or new, level. However, if you are doing it all the time, then are you ever "with" your boyfriend? In my unprofessional opinion, it seems as though you may be unsatisfied in some form. This does not mean your guy is bad in bed; the dissatisfaction may be something internal. Maybe there is something that your fantasy guys possess, that your boyfriend doesn't. A good way to integrate that is to have your boyfriend act it out, for the bedroom. For example, if you like biker guys, and your man is a cleanshaven white collar, have him act a little dirty during foreplay.
Dear Jim, Her misery stems from somewhere, and your girlfriend and you both need to investigate the cause. Once you find out, it will be easier to understand her behavior, and you can figure out productive ways to react to any of her twisted antics in a positive and productive manner.
By Lauren Strec
Dear La La, I consider myself a pretty secure person and I don't easily get jealous, but my other half is constantly talking about his ex. What is up with that? Jumpy Julie Dear Jumpy Julie, Everyone perceives things differently, and I personally am guilty of sharing "ex" stories, because it's part of my past and I think it's cool for my guy to know what brought me to the present, and vice-versa. However, any of these stories will arise when it's relevant to the current conversation or situation. If your guy is bringing up these stories, out of nowhere, it can possibly mean a couple things. People need to vent, in order to move on, so maybe he's just getting out some frustration, and it's great that he feels comfortable enough to open up to you. However, if a good amount of time has passed since their breakup, it's possible he may be a little traumatized from the split, may need a more concrete resolution, and therefore, may not be over her in that aspect. Whatever the case, if his stories are making you uncomfortable, you need to let him know that he is indulging too much. But be sure not to forbid the subject all together, as that may make him feel that he cannot continue to share things with you. Dear La La, My girlfriend is really terrific and I am thinking about proposing to her this Christmas. So what's the problem? Her mother! She is the most wicked and rude person I have ever
In the meantime, you need to wrap your mind around the fact that you cannot control or change her current demeanor; only she has that power. At this point, her actions are predictable; it should not shock you when she is, yet again, acting "wicked." Even if her intent is personal, train yourself to not get frustrated or offended by her attempts. Remember and know that she is a sad soul, and that is just a part of the territory. With the acceptance of this, you may be able to find tolerance with the idea of being connected to this evil. In the end, you may never get a positive reciprocation. Some people are just assholes, plain and simple. In that case, detach yourself from her words/ways (not disregard her as a person), and chalk it up as a character: "Oh, there goes mom again, being a huge bitch. Classic." Dear La La, I just celebrated my 32nd birthday and for the third year in a row my husband has gotten me an appliance as a gift. Apparently no one has ever told him this is a "cardinal sin!" Is it really the thought that counts and I am being selfish or are you feeling me sister? Toaster Tina Dear Toaster, Well, the thought truly does count, and your husband already has high marks for remembering your birthday. But sometimes "if you want something done right, you’ve got to do it yourself." With that said, when the next gift-giving occasions arise, just tell him exactly what you want. A month before the occasion, tell him what you like and that he should get it for your birthday/holiday. Reiterate it again two weeks later, and then don't say anything else. It may suck to take away the element of surprise, but it's a small sacrifice to make, to avoid more dustcollecting clutter. After a couple presents, tell him that he has to come up with the next one, and should use your past examples to stay on track. And don't forget "please" and "thank you!"
The Effects of Alcohol Abuse on the Human Body An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2:00am and was asked where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."
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Big John’s
LANDMARK PUB
5135 N. Oriole Harwood Heights 708.867.6533
7844 W. Belmont 773.589.2808
The Booze is Cheap & The Entertainment is Free!!!
NORTHWEST SIDE BARS
CLUB BELMONT
BIKES, BABES & BOOZE
Sick and Wrong!!!
Daily Specials Sunday
Full Slab Ribs $13.50, 1/2 Slab $8.50 & $5 Bloody Marys
Monday
Burger and Fries $3.99 & $1 PBR cans
Tuesday
Lasagna $5.99 & $3 Patron
$5.99
All You Can Eat Pizza
Open To Close Monday To Thursday (dine in) 4358 N. Elston
773-777-6430
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Wednesday
$1 PBR CANS
Every Monday
$3 off 10” Pizza, 1/2 off bottles of wine
Thursday
1 topping football pizza (14” by 28”) w/ 2 liter of soda for $19.99 & $5 beer & shot
Friday
1 topping stuffed 14” pizza for $16.99 & $5 Long Islands
Saturday
EVERY SATURDAY
.50 cent wings $3 Well Drinks
GOBAKEDTOMATO.COM
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WE DELIVER EVERYDAY!
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DAY TOYS FOR TOTS PRE AND N SU EC 2 POST PARADE PARTY! D $5 Breakfast from 7-9am.
BEARS GAME with free food at half time! Then immediately following the Bears game, LIVE MUSIC, Raffles and drink specials all day.
Please support kids in need and drop off an unwrapped toy from now until Dec. 2.
CUSTOMER HOLIDAY DAY FRIC 4 1 APPRECIATION PARTY! DE Go to MODAILEYS.COM or MO DAILEY’S on FACEBOOK
6070 N. Northwest Hwy Next to Norwood Park Metra station and right on Northwest Hwy 773 -774-6121
DJ’s EVERY FRiDAY NiGHT!
every saturday night! best live band venue in the area! live bands
Complimentary appetizers will be served and a $25 drink package from 7-10! DJ at 9. Dress in your holiday best!
NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY!! 8pm - 3am! LIVE ENTERTAINMENT
TOP SHELF DRINK PACKAGE!
GIVE AWAYS! YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS THIS ONE!
PRIVATE PARTY ROOM
BOOK YOUR HOLIDAY, CORPORATE, BIRTHDAY, BACHELOR(ETE) PARTIES WITH US.
Private party room with 9 50” hdtv’s and custom food & drink packages available. Call Today 773.774.6121
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NORTHWEST SIDE BARS
5943 N. Northwest Hwy Sunday - Friday 11am- 2am
773-763-0095 Saturday 11am - 3am
Monday 5 for $10 Domestic Buckets Wednesday $2 Miller Lite, PBR, Bud Light Pints Thursday 5 for $10 Domestic Buckets Friday $3 Fireball Shots Saturday $3 Bloody Marys Sunday Free Pool TRINITYPUBCHICAGO.COM “Like” us on facebook
Date Night 3906 N. Cicero Ave 773-736-2644 DAILY DRINK AND FOOD SPECIALS!
KARAOKE EVERY FRIDAY AND SATURDAY 8PM WATCH ALL YOUR FAVORITE SPORTING EVENTS ON OUR 7 PLASMA TV’S AND 100” PROJECTION TV.
NOW ACCEPTING HOLIDAY PARTY RESERVATIONS. DJ/KARAOKE INCLUDED FOR YOUR PARTY NEED A SPONSOR? GIVE US A CALL LIQUOR/CONVENIENCE STORE ON PREMISES STORE HOURS: MON - FRI: 7AM- 2AM SAT: 7AM - 3AM / SUN: 11AM - 2AM FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
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The Four Treys
Roscoe Village’s Friendliest Bar D A I L Y
Since 1884
S P E C I A L S
Tavern
OPEN MIC
Sunday - Thursday:
Tuesday & Thursday: $3 Jameson shots
$5 bombs & $3 Well Drinks Saturday: $8 Bud Lite Pitchers Sunday: $4 Bloody Mary pints
Friday:
SATURDAY
TUESDAY COMFY SEAT TAVERN
$2.50 Pabst Blue Ribbon
PLAY J BG E A OA N N AM G D RE A DS
New Year's Eve NO COVER
Champaign Toast, Drink Specials and Snacks
New Year's Day open at 11:00 for all the College Football Games Free food and snacks and Drink Specials.
PRIVATE PARTY ROOM - BOOK YOUR HOLIDAY PARTIES TODAY 3333 N. DAMEN
773.549.8845
One Thing Led to Another... After a long night buying a foxy woman drinks, Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home. After the walk to the door, the woman asked Joe in for a nightcap...
fourtreys.com
DOG FRIENDLY TAVERN
“When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.” Wayne Dyer, author and lecturer
One thing led to another and before you know it, Joe was naked. After making great love Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer.", she said. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Joe began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded Joe bewildered. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
More Jokes posted on facebook - whatsupxtramagazine “Like” the page and you’ll get weekly jokes and drink deals
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Hunting Laws in Arizona
A Californian and an Arizonan were Elk hunting in the Hualapai Mountains when an illegal alien runs across a clearing. The Arizonan takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him. "You can't do that!" cried the Californian.
"No, no... Remember this is a Red State and it's legal here in Arizona," replies the Arizonan. Later that night the Californian goes to Kingman AZ to buy some beer from Wal-Mart. He puts the beer on the roof of his truck and while he's making room behind the seat, an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away.
“It's easy to love people who are far away. It's not always easy to love those close to us. Bring love into your home, for this is where our love for each other must start.� Mother Teresa
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The Californian thinks "No problem" draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him. As he is retrieving his beer the police come and arrest him. "But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Arizona!" protests the Californian. "Well yeah it is," says the cop, "but you can't use bait." WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM
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UPCOMING EVENTS: DECEMBER December 1 - 31: Winter Wonderland
December 1 - 16: Caroling at Cloud Gate
Remember the Winter Wonderland Holiday Train? The holiday lights and Lake Michigan in ice? This year we’re celebrating 40 years of festivities at JHO and everything you loved as a kid is there for you to share with your kids or grandkids – at a great price! Open every day.
Celebrate the holidays in Millennium Park, when Caroling at Cloud Gate returns on Friday evenings each week throughout the holiday season. Chicagoans and visitors alike are invited to Cloud Gate to hear the beautiful voices of different Chicago choral groups including the Apollo Chorus of Chicago, Chicago Chamber Choir, Windy City Gay Chorus and Aria, and the Wicker Park Choral Singers. Free admission. At 6pm (Fridays only)
John Hancock Center, 875 N Michigan Avenue, Chicago
December 1 - 31: Winter WonderFest at Navy Pier Navy Pier, Chicago
The annual Winter WonderFest present by Bank of America brings Chicago 7 more days of Holiday family fun than usual! Enjoy 170,000 square feet of winter wonderland playground, with indoor ice skating, inflatable slides, rides and so much more! Open Sunday-Thursday from 10am-5pm and Friday-Saturday from 10am-10pm! Check for special holiday hours.
December 1 - March 11: Millennium Park Ice Skating Millennium Park McCormick Tribune Ice Rink, Chicago
Located on Michigan Avenue between Washington and Madison Streets, the Millennium Park Ice Rink draws more than 100,000 skater annually. Skating is free and skate rentals are available. Open daily weather permitting.
December 1 - January 8, 2013: Christmas Around the World and Holidays of Light
Museum of Science & Industry, 57th Street and Lake Shore Drive, Chicago The Museum halls will be decked, holiday singers and dancers will fuel the festivities, and the sparkle of dozens of decorated trees will greet you at this year’s Christmas Around the World and Holidays of Light. The Museum’s grand tree takes center stage in the Rotunda, while more than 50 trees beautifully decorated by members of Chicago’s ethnic communities to represent global cultures adorn the Museum's Main Level. Stroll through the trees, enjoy intermittent falling “snow” and savor the performances of various dance and choral groups on the Holiday Stage.
December 1 - 29: A Christmas Carol
Goodman Theatre, 170 N Dearborn, Chicago Charles Dickens’ classic story, the exceptional actors and the miraculous stagecraft have made A Christmas Carol a beloved Chicago tradition. Every year, audiences look forward to the “Bah Humbugs,” the arrival of the ghosts, the music and dancing and Scrooge’s joyful discovery of life and love. Whether this is your first or your 31st visit to A Christmas Carol, this timeless play will put the magic in your holiday season! December 1 - 24: Daley Plaza Santa's House Daley Plaza, 50 W Washington Street, Chicago Visit Santa's House at Daley Plaza, where you can tour Santa's house and he will be available for pictures and taking wish lists. Here is Santa's schedule: Dec. 2 - 4: 11am - 8pm (closed from 3pm
Millennium Park, Chicago
December 1 - January 1: Zoo Lights
Lincoln Park Zoo, 2200 Canon Drive, Chicago One of the brightest parts of Chicago’s winter—ZooLights—returns in late November. ZooLights is free and open to all. Watch ice carving demonstrations, visit with Santa, savor warm drinks, enjoy cool crafts and be dazzled by more than one million beautiful lights. Open Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays only through Dec. 11. Open nightly Dec. 16 - 23 and Dec. 26 - Jan. 1. Closed Dec. 24 and 25.
December 1 - January 1 (Select Dates) Second City's Dysfunctional Holiday Review Second City, 1616 N Wells St. Chicago
Second City's Dysfunctional Holiday Revue features a seasonal blend of hilarious scenes, songs and our trademark improvisation with a sprig of holiday mischief for a night of spirited fun. Funny, bright and completely original, Second City's Dysfunctional Holiday Revue is the perfect alternative to the same old holiday shows. From uneven gift exchanges with your clueless boyfriend to couples therapy with Joseph and Mary, Second City has your ticket to all that’s ridiculous about this magical season.
December 1 – 30: December Holiday Cruises Odyssey, Spirit of Chicago, Mystic Blue
Celebrate this holiday season aboard the elegant Odyssey, festive Spirit of Chicago or contemporary Mystic Blue. All cruises offer festive décor, dining, dancing, live or DJ entertainment, outstanding service and dazzling views of the city from the water. Take in all the splendor of the holiday season on our one-of-akind lunch and dinner cruises.
December 2 - Jan 8: Winter WonderFest at Navy Pier Festival Hall, Navy Pier, Chicago
This Chicago tradition delights visitors of all ages with breathtaking holiday décor that fills 170,000 square feet of indoor holiday fun. Come to experience thousands of glistening lights, hundreds of decorated holiday trees, festive candy cane decor and enchanted holiday entertainment on various stages. Visitors from around the world come to this event to enjoy an indoor adventure that includes exciting rides, huge inflatable slides, train rides, indoor ice skating, climbing walls, cookie decorating, live entertainment and so much more!
- 4pm), Dec. 9 - 11: 11am - 8pm (closed from 3pm - 4pm), Dec. 16 - 23: 11am - 8pm (closed from 3pm - 4pm), Dec. 24: 11am - 4pm
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December 2 - 4: Lincoln Square Christkindl Market Leland & Western Avenue, Chicago
Take part in the sites, sounds and flavors of a traditional German Christmas market in the heart of the German community on Chicago's north side. Walk down Lincoln Avenue and take in the strolling musicians, ice sculptures and beautiful Christmas decorations. When you arrive at the corner of Leland and Lincoln you will be welcomed into the big heated tent filled with traditional German food. Sip on warm Gluewhein as you listen to traditional Christmas carols or toast with a refreshing beer. At Kids Korner, the little ones can decorate cookies, wreaths and create special ornaments. Throughout the day traditional Christmas carols will be ringing in the air sung by local children's and adult choirs, but at night the market moves from the traditional entertainment to the contemporary.
December 3, 4, 10, 11, 17 and 18: Breakfast with Santa John Hancock Observatory, 875 N Michigan Ave 94th Fl
Even Santa needs a hearty breakfast during his busiest month of the year! What better place than high above Chicago's rooftops at JHO. We have a delicious buffet, prepared in our award-winning Lavazza Espression café and served by our hard-working elves. And Santa will be on hand for your children to have a word is his ear about presents.
December 3 -18: Macy's Breakfast with Santa
December 10: Festa's Annual 12 Bars Of Xmas Pub Crawl Wrigleyville
TBOX, which stands for "Twelve Bars of Xmas" is Festa's flagship pub tour event. Beginning in 1996, this Wrigleyville pub crawl attracts thousands of participants, considered by some as a "cult" following, with folks coming in from 40+ states and over a dozen countries. It's a day of regal pageantry, manic energy, crazy costumes, cereal shots, stickers everywhere, opening and closing ceremonies, and tons of other bells and whistles that make TBOX the definitive Chicago Party Experience.
December 10 - 11: Bucktown Holiday Artshow
Holstein Park Fieldhouse, 2200 N Oakley Avenue, Chicago At the annual Bucktown Holiday ArtShow, art lovers and holiday shoppers convene to browse and shop for one-of-a-kind gifts and original works of art. Shop from 100 artists displaying and selling their creative works. The Bucktown Holiday ArtShow considers and presents art of all media--from photography to textiles, watercolors to oils, jewelry to ceramics--and a whole lot more.
December 31: New Year's Eve Fireworks 8:15pm - New Year's Eve Family Fireworks Families can ring in the New Year a little early with this spectacular fireworks display to end the New Year's Eve Family Bash.
Macy's State Street, 111 N State Street, Chicago
Midnight - New Year's Eve Midnight Fireworks
Join Santa for a delicious breakfast meal and afterwards there will be fun and games for the whole family. Don't forget your camera so you can capture every moment. Seating is limited - to make a reservation call 1-877-556-2297. (Saturdays & Sundays)
Welcome in 2013 with Chicago’s only lakefront fireworks show on New Year's Eve. Check out Entertainment Cruises to see the fireworks aboard the Spirit of Chicago, Mystic Blue or Odyssey and enjoy a special New Year's Eve celebration.
December 3 – 31: Holiday Magic at Brookfield Zoo
December 31: Navy Pier's New Year's Eve Bash
Holiday Magic at Brookfield Zoo takes place from 4:00pm – 9:00pm each evening during the season enjoy more than 120 animated light displays, live entertainment, model trains, a train ride, a dolphin show, ice carvers and, of course, the animals. Every Saturday and Sunday (Dec. 3 - Dec. 18) and every day from Dec. 26 through Dec. 31.
Families can ring in the New Year…a little bit early! Navy Pier presents a spectacular all-ages showcase of hip-hop dance, live music, and more at the Winter WonderStage. The celebration begins at 6:00pm and culminates with a special 8:15pm Family Fireworks show outside on Dock Street.
Brookfield Zoo, 1st Avenue between Ogden & 31st Brookfield
December 10: 5th Annual Holiday Breakfast with Santa Soldier Field, 1410 S Museum Campus Drive, Chicago
Soldier Field hosts its fourth annual Breakfast with Santa Sat Dec. 10 at 10 a.m. in the United Club for about 600 guests. The lavish brunch will be one of the few times during the year when the United Club’s fine dining is open to the public. Families will not only be able feast on a fantastic holiday-themed breakfast, but also visit with Santa and his elves.
Festival Hall Winter WonderStage
December 31 NYE 2013 Official Playboy New Year's Eve Celebration Hilton Chicago, 720 South Michigan Avenue, Chicago
This year's Official Playboy New Year's Eve Celebration, held at the Hilton Chicago, will feature a performance by Grammy award winner T-Pain. Overnight accommodations at the Hilton are available.
Wishing Everyone Happy Holidays and a Safe and Happy New Year FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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IN C L C UD NE A E W P S S U P LE R S IZE
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You haven’t boxed a Boxer till you’ve boxed...
THE GLOVE
For Fun For Tournaments Bars and Event Coordinators call 773.213.4597
New Machines: prizes paid out through the machine for top scores, wheel of fun,. and more...
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Riddle Ri ddle of the Month Below are ten clues, each of which relates to the first line of a different Christmas carol or song. These clues only have the first letters of each of the words. Can you figure out what songs they are? 1. CROAOF 2. IDOAWC 3. RTRNRHAVSN 4. GGROBAR 5. IHABCWY
6. ISMKSC 7. OTFDOCMTLGTM 8. FTSWAJHS 9. IBMBOJHSSOM 10. JBJBJBR
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Answer to Last Months Riddle We are very little creatures; all of us have different features. One of us in glass is set; one of us you’ll find in jet. Another you may see in tin, and a fourth is boxed within. If the fifth you should pursue, it can never fly from you.
Answer: The vowels (a, e, i, o, u). Winner: Jim Vatle WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM
TAT T L E TA L E S
Take Me Home, Country Roads By Rob Christiansen
Wednesday I awoke at six and went for a cup of coffee, destination club car. I sat at a table and looked out the picture window and fueled my sense of adventure. The train was coming around a mountain and going around another. Louis met us at the station and we walked to his office. His secretary, Kimberly, took our picture, and then I handed her my phone and asked her please to take another. We (sans Kimberly, though we wished her Happy Thanksgiving) rode out of Montgomery. I took a through-the-windshield picture of an approaching bridge for a scrapbook idea I had. Louis had already set his dining room table. I took a picture of it because I had never been to West Virginia, and my miracle phone is a camera. The next afternoon at the table, his voice cracked solemnly during Thanksgiving prayer in which he gave thanks for Dale. He thanked me for accompanying her. Friday was “Black Friday” in most parts. We ate hot bologna sandwiches and WV hotdogs in “Mayberry.” After lunch, Dale and I walked along a railroad track on level terrain in a median across the street from the house. The weather was warm and it never rained. I picked up pieces of coal that fell off phantom coal cars and stuffed them into my sweatshirt side pockets, thinking that coal is the perfect stocking stuffer and folks should search their drawers if they want to find presents. The river runs along the base of mountains further from the front lawn and median. I took a picture, and a Rottweiler walked out of a garage. This wasn’t a joke unless there was an invisible fence. Dale panicked and warned me not to take the dog’s picture. He stood, barking at us like we were “Paula” and “Simon.” I gave him thumbs down and he left, but he threatened to return. A blue corner house for sale was tenant occupied. I typed the seller’s number into my magic phone and imagined I was a landlord living in an efficiency apartment above a bakery in this beautiful outpost. I had never pursued the big, American dream, but this was just a small, West Virginia, dream I was having. Opie, from Dale’s high school days, saw us and called her name. It was dusk, and Dale didn’t recognize him until we crossed the street. He wore a mustache, long hair and glasses now. He hadn’t been voted “Most likely,” but he had become an entrepreneur. He and his crew were putting up lights in a yard. He said that his sister was in prison for committing welfare fraud, but the FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
family believed that she had just erred in counting her children. Dale and I decorated the formal living room for Louis. He and Dale debated furniture relocation but I was only there for muscle. The Christmas makeover lent the formal living room a “Weekend at Bernie’s” effect. The back-of-the-house den had the proppedup formal living room beat by a country mile. We watched the “Backyard Brawl” vs. Pitt on a 50” flat screen, and the ballyhooed rivalry caught me flatfooted. I rooted for WVU as though I’d adopted the tradition. I coincidentally dwelled on the blue corner house, and now, a 50” flat screen for my efficiency apartment. A neighbor dropped by with her baby and I took their picture. Dale had seen a black bear in the backyard in August. On “Black Bear Saturday,” we walked to a mountain road behind the house and climbed the mountain in a left-handed complimentary way, hiking the road on an incline. Houses clung to the mountain’s face like gangsters against a wall and driveways were those only Tony Hawk could love. On our right, vehicles were parked on the shoulder with their front wheels turned so that they would roll back onto adjacent properties if they slipped. The air thinned in the spooky quiet, the only noise coming from Republican bumper stickers. It was all uphill. “Bear left, so we went home,” I thought, and laughed. Dale asked me why I was laughing. The sheriff’s car and a pig roaster were in the driveway next door to Louis’s house down in a valley. A designer snake I could have made a purse out of, if I was a purse maker, lay crushed at my toes. But no bear crossed our path. Louis and Dale spoke in the kitchen. She had been attending a church not of her upbringing. On Sunday, she nevertheless went to the Presbyterian Church, much to her father’s chagrin. A grand total of nine people were there. Dale and I joined the elders, not necessarily church elders, afterwards in the basement for coffee. They remembered Dale with increasing acuity the more we lingered and they described Louis as a town pillar. Dale had whispered to me as we sat in the pew, “This is Mayberry.” The words were ringing like bells. The ground remained on the school playground, but nothing now to play except hopscotch. The Army tank had been removed after Dale fell off it and broke her arm. It was all downhill from there, until the slide was removed, and then it was flat. I took pictures of Route 60 signs on a trip to Charleston, WV, such was I thrilled. A jeweler advertised “Long-term wife insurance” because the local college professors tended to marry their students. Most of my pictures depicted the car interior, and Smokey the Bear’s likeness was obfuscated by the passenger side mirror. My coal became souvenirs and stocking stuffers. Such was my ambivalence over the blue corner house. It stayed on the market. In March I bought it, quit my job and moved. Nine months later it accidentally burned down but my tenants weren’t injured. I made out like a bandit with the insurance money and went home to Chicago. 773.213.4597
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