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FEBRUARY SPECIALS Sunday
2158 N Halsted glascotts.com 773-281-1205
$6 Glascott’s Home-made Bloody Marys, $15 Domestic Buckets, $3 Domestic Bottles & $5 Drafts
Monday $5 Pints, $5 Call Cocktails $7 Top Shelf Cocktails
PRIVATE PARTY ROOM CALL J.R. 773-281-1205
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Beer of the Month:
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COORS BANQUET & REDD’S APPLE ALE
Tuesday $4 Blue Moon & Magic Hat #9 $5 Glasses of Wine Wednesday $4 Pints of Guinness, Harp, Bass and Magners $5 Call Cocktails Thursday $3 Domestic Bottles $4 Well Cocktails
Check out the new craft beer cooler... Featuring Allagash White, Lagunitas, and Kona
Friday $5 Stella & New Castle Pints Saturday
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We would like to thank all the readers of What’s Up Xtra Magazine for your continued support. The magazine was started over 8 years ago as a small local publication in Chicago and has grown throughout the area, surrounding suburbs , and now into Southern Wisconsin to be one of the most recognized comprehensive local bar directories of its kind. Our “grass root marketing” strategy has proven an effective tool for our publication and is designed to be used as a tool for our readers to plan where they will be spending their afternoons, evenings, and hard earned dollars. Magazines have maintained popularity with readers through the years and have proven that magazine advertising and readership will stand the test of time. We encourage our readers to support your communities and to patronize your local businesses! Have a happy and safe Holiday Season!
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
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CHICAGO
JUNE 2012 BEER GARDENS WHAT’S UP THIS MONTH
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8 news AND STUFF
JACKY
OUTPUT LOUNGE 773.288-9400
12 ask the wino 13 HOROSCOPE
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16 all mixed up
Robert Christiansen Column Writer
18 trivia open mic karaoke
Jon obert editor
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19 things to do in february 20 BARTENDER OF THE MONTH 23 sudoku crossowrd wordfind
Check us out online - Read the magazine, Photos & More... www.whatsupxtra.com Front page photo taken by Lisa Romack at Four Farthings
The name What’s Up Xtra Magazine is a registered trade name, and use of this name is strictly prohibited. The contents of this publication are copyrighted What’s Up Xtra Chicago Magazine -2012 We encourage our readers to write their stories, send photos, and make comments. All submissions sent to us by phone, email, fax, or handwritten become the property of What’s Up Xtra Chicago Magazine.
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Lisa romack Sales Director
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keith romack publisher
6 out and about photos
14 are you smarter than chester Whats Up
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24 la las love letters
Suzi Lichner Contributing jokester lauren strec contributing writer
25-28 bar directory 29 tales from the chris
diane serbentas PHOTOGRAPHER
30 out and about photos CHECK OUT
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We are always on the lookout for dynamic writers, photographers and sales staff to contribute to our publication If you are interested in joining our team or interested in advertising opportunities contact us at 773-288-9400 or email: whatsupxtra@yahoo.com WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM
Tuesday - Euchre Leagues Come play! Every Wednesday - Trivia Night
$10 Off All Bottles of Wine - Over 100 different types - $3 Miller Lite Bottles - Prizes
Every Friday - Live Music 2060 N. Cleveland 773.935.2060 www.fourfarthings.com ry ay Eve - Frid izers y et nda App o e M ric ay Drafts d p y 2 r e 1/ Eve er Lit l l i M & f the 50 o $3. eer drafts B $4 nth mo
SAT FEB 8 @ NOON
WING CRAWL
Every Thursday & Saturday
WINE WEDNESDAY $10 OFF CHOOSE FROM A 100 BOTTLE LIST
Super Sunday 2.2.2014 Chili Cook Off - $30 includes food & drink during the big game
OPEN MIC MONDAYS @ 7PM HOSTED BY RICHIE BRANDT
SEE WEB SITE FOR DETAILS
A Trip To The Store
“Study while others are sleeping; work while others are loafing; prepare while others are playing; and dream while others are wishing.” - William Arthur Ward, author of For This One Hour, a most-quoted writer
A boy decided to have a dinner with his girlfriend parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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The Four Treys
Roscoe Village’s Friendliest Bar D A I L Y
Since 1884
Tavern
Sunday - Thursday:
S P E C I A L S
OPEN SATURDAY MIC
$2.50 Pabst Blue Ribbon
EVERYDAY: $4 Jameson shots
$5 bombs & $3 Well Drinks Saturday: $8 Bud Lite Pitchers Sunday: $5 Bloody Mary pints
Friday:
NEW TOUCH TUNES JUKE BOX “PICTURE TAKER”
TUESDAY COMFY SEAT TAVERN
BIG BUCK SHOOTING GAME HERE!!!
Super Sunday Party
2.2.2014 Food & Drinks
PRIVATE PARTY ROOM - BOOK YOUR HOLIDAY PARTIES TODAY 3333 N. DAMEN
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News & Stuff
Free Smartphone Some Say The Game Gives Reward NFL Should Look Points For Exercise to Lasers to Mark This game app for iPhone or Android lets you hit "next game" level by logging workouts. The points are awarded based on specific exercises and the workout's intensity. Fitocracy co-founder Brian Wang says you'll get more points for working out with weights, for example, than taking a slow walk in the park. By building up points, you can earn virtual badges and medals. Users often follow friends, offering advice, or giving "props" on workouts, the equivalent to a Like on Facebook. They can also join special groups for diabetics, weight loss, marathon runners, and others.
Moneywise
This is a Good Time to Shop for a Used Car New car buyers are making news as sales in 2013 were on track to exceed 15 million vehicles. So there are about that many trade-ins hitting the market, and many dealers have to cut prices. For shoppers who like to buy a car that's a couple of years old, that's good news. The average used car sold for $15,617 at the end of the third quarter of 2013, which was the lowest price since the same quarter in 2009, according to Edmunds.com, the car-pricing website. Another reason more used cars are on the market: cheap lease deals in 2010 are expiring, and the leased cars are coming back to be sold as used cars. Drivers who held out during the recession and kept their older cars running are now ready to buy again. Auto loan interest rates are still low, and lenders are lending. One caution, prices of some late-model used cars are still close to the price of a new car, so it might make more sense to buy new. At Adesa Analytical Services, they also predict that as more cars pour into the used car market, all prices will be a little cheaper.
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First Downs
You're paying $200 a seat at an NFL game, but you are somewhat more handicapped than viewers at home, who see the first down lines highlighted in the picture image. They could do that in the games, too. It's a system that is here, now, and has been ready to replace chains for years. Alan Amron, an inventor who has been pitching the First Down Laser System for more than a decade, says he met with NFL executives in May 2013 in New York, and recently completed the system they wanted. But the NFL wants to see the technology in use in another league before implementing it. Amron hopes that will happen in 2014. It could happen if a demonstration for the Canadian Football League officials goes to plan. With the system, a projector mounted at the base of the yardage stick will illuminate a 4-inch-wide green line with the push of a remote control button by an official on the field or in an upstairs booth. The technology has plenty of fans. Denver Post writer Joan Niesen says simply the fan experience is not up to snuff: NFL... You can do better. Meanwhile, it does have some detractors, including Business Insider Cork Gaines who says lasers have a few important drawbacks: They will slow the game; they could harm players' eyes; and, last but not least, fans love the drama of the chains being brought out for a measure. According to Gaines, lasers are not coming any time soon.
Technology and You
Television Tamed
There have been some legendary cliffhangers in television history. People endured a year of media and celebrity speculation before they found out who shot JR. Did they like the wait? Probably not. According to a survey by Netflix, people who can watch the next episode of a show they love do watch the next episode. Or six of them. Of 1,500 Netflix customers surveyed, 61 percent said they have watched from two to six episodes of a TV show in a single sitting. It's called binge watching. And 73 percent of the survey respondents said they have positive feelings about binge watching television. About 50 percent said they prefer to have another person watching with them when they are on a binge. WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM
SUPER SUNDAY
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True or False?
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
773.296.0018
“Sometimes adversity is what you need in order to become successful.” - Zig Ziglar, author and motivational speaker
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. 5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die. 6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. 7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does. 9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage. FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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Friendly Skies I was on a flight that was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
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She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess, and I take orders from no one.' To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'
“Speech is the mirror of the soul; as a man speaks, so he is.” - Publilius Syrus, Latin writer of maxims
Privilages Require Some Effort A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair." The father replies, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went..?" FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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A Cab Driver Suprise
Ask The Wino… What’s this cabin fever all about?
A nun gets into a cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. Finally, the cabbie says, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you." "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything." "Well, I've always had a fantasy about a nun performing oral sex on me." "Well, first, you have to be single, and then you must also be Catholic."
WINO: Desmond Rutter AGE: 44 SMELLS LIKE: A Garbage Mans Jock Strap PERSONAL QUOTE: “Locks on garbage cans suck”
The cab driver says, "Yes, I am single, and I'm Catholic, too!" The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does, and the nun fulfills his fantasy. When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts weeping. "My dear child, why are you crying?" "Forgive me, sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess -- I'm married and I'm Jewish." "That's OK," says the nun. "My name is Stevie, and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
WANTED: PHOTOGRAPHERS CALL 773-213-4597
Rita, a traffic cop asks: Is cabin fever for those who just sit and watch TV all day and can’t stand the cold? WINO: Hey Lady the last time I had cabin fever was when my dad tied me to the bed for a week for looking at my buddies mom out of the bedroom window with a stiffy, man she was hot. I bet your old man loves your uniform, gimme a ticket any day.
Grant, an Insurance consultant asks: I just want to get out and breathe the Spring air, this weather is so depressing, what do you think?. WINO: Are you on crack... depressing? You wanna try thawing out your balls in the laundromat, when the sisters are drying their smalls and throwing hangers at me, shit those dryers make me dizzy.
Sue, an Interior Designer asks: My lips are chapped, I am so stir crazy and that wind, It bites....I just want to bask in the warm summer weather, don’t you? WINO: Your lips are chapped? You wanna try stuffing some cardboard down your pants before you go out. You can bask with me any day sister, not sure you want my wind in your face though.
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LIVE COUNTRY& WESTERN MUSIC
4659 N. Clark 773.334.2402
OPEN TIL 4AM
CAROLSPUBCHICAGO.COM
MON $1 Draft, $2 Domestic Bottles, $5 Pitchers
#1 D E T VO TE BAR NI O BY E T A L AG C I OM H C . C O IN AG C I H C NBC
TUE $2.75 Domestic Bottles WED $10 PITCHERS of Beer - LIVE BAND + Jam w/ Country Claude 9p-4a THU World Class KARAOKE 9p-4a FRI LIVE BAND - DIAMONDBACK 9p-4a SAT LIVE BAND - DIAMONDBACK 9p-5a SUN $10 PITCHERS of BEER + LIVE BAND
Mon, Tue 9a - 2a / Wed, Thur, Fri, Sun 11a - 4a / Sat 11a - 5a
Carol’s Kitchen serves Hot Sandwiches Late!
FEBRUARY HOROSCOPE ARIES: You can impress your boss by being the one to smooth out situations in an insecure world. When the boss succeeds, comment on how great the work looks.
LIBRA: It's easier to glimpse at your dreams and goals in the early morning. Remember that less ego involvement makes it easier to see what you really want.
TAURUS: This month may find you going about your business like always, when suddenly, a realization hits you and all the parts fall into place. Watch for it.
SCORPIO: If you're on a quest for better finances, look no further than your own social network. Study those who are successful with their finances and look for leads.
GEMINI: You'd like to help people, or at least give them some advice. But if your experience with some people shows they won't appreciate it, stand back and look away. CANCER: Successful time management allows you to take on the world. Work during optimal times in order to mesh your talents with the task at hand. LEO: If the very person who needs to be in tune with you is acting like a jerk, considering it might be your fault lets you handle what you CAN control: your reaction. VIRGO: When two major projects need to be completed at the same time, look for help. The stars say a Gemini will help you achieve results very soon.
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SAGITTARIUS: When you look at a situation, remember that everyone has his or her own agenda. You do too. Consider what's really being said under the rhetoric. CAPRICORN: There's no doubt about it: fitness is sexy. Do something about a lingering unhealthy habit. You can't be your best or do your best if your body isn't strong. AQUARIUS: Emotional flexibility is your special talent. You have a different face for every mood and every occasion. But remember where reality fits in. PISCES: Perplexing passions pull you to something or someone new, but this can be a sign of personal growth. Your interests are different from last year. Guard your money. 773.213.4597
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The Lighter Side Motor Home A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. She peels it off and screams, "I've won a motorhome!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch." But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home!" Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize. Let me see the peel and win." He reads ... "W I N A B A G E L."
A Simple Test An older couple had a son who was unable to decide about his future career. So they decided to do a small test. They took a $10 bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table ... then the couple hid. The father said, "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." The son arrived, took the $10 bill and slid it into his pocket. Then he took the Bible, looked it, and took it. Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and sniffed it. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items. The father says: "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined. Our son is going to be a politician!"
Visit to a shrink A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia. "Doc," he said, "Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?"
Are You Smarter Than CHESTER “The Sock Monkey”? 1. Let's start with the symbol of the "X" and why it represents the kiss? Do you know? This goes back to the Middle Ages when a person did which of the following: A) Was forced to kiss all documents over his signature B) He signed his name and then a priest had to kiss the signature to verify it C) Only the illiterate people made an "x" and then kissed it in front of 2 or more witnesses to show their sincerity. 2. What is the term when a male and female each pay for their own meals or entertainment on a date? A) Having a "Square Meal" B) Going Dutch C) Even Steven 3. Asking for a woman's hand in marriage goes back to the Greeks, true or false? 4. Back in the early 19th century, humorous Valentines started. They were originally called what? A) Vulgar Valentines B) Vinegar Valentines C) Vixen Valentines D) Vindictive Valentines 5. According to legend, what were Humphrey Bogart's last words to his wife, Lauren Bacall as he died? A) Here's looking at you kid B) Out of all the actors in the entire world, you had to choose me? C) Thanks for the memories D) Don't worry, Doll face, it's not over, it's only intermission. 6. The Baby Ruth candy bar was created in 1920 by Curtiss Candy Co. They named this bar after the baseball player Babe Ruth. True or False? 7. Deep red carnations tell your loved one that: A) Your heart is broken B) You are celibate C) You are friends D) You are true loves 8. The combination of white and red roses sends what message? A) Unity B) Declaration of love C) Farewell D) Distrust 9. Why was Cupid chosen as the symbol of Valentine's Day and lovers? A) He was the Roman god of love B) A celebrated marksman from Greece, he won the hand of his beloved through an archery match C) According to Celtic tradition, Cupid was an unfortunate suitor killed by the arrow of an outraged father who refused to let his daughter wed for love D) There is no reason other than the fact greedy card, chocolate and flower moguls thought that was the cutest design created by their marketing staff E) All are correct 10. Approximately what percentage of Valentine's Day cards are purchased by women? A) 10% B) 25% C) 85% D) 95%
"A hundred dollars per visit."
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6. False. It’s named after President Cleveland’s daughter. 7. A 8. A 9. A 10. C
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for $10 dollars. He told me to cut the legs off my bed!"
Answers
1. C 2. B 3. False, it goes back to the Romans where a father literally took his daughters hand and passed it over to her husband. 4. B 5. A
Six months later the doctor met the man on the street and asked why he didn't come back to see him.
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ALL MIXED UP
By Lisa Romack
Agave Kiss Ingredients: • 2 oz Silver Tequila • 1 oz White Crème De Cacao • 1 oz Cream • ½ oz Chambord • White chocolate flakes for rimming • Fresh raspberries for garnish Preparation: 1. Pour the ingredients into a cocktail shaker with ice. 2. Shake for 15 seconds. 3. Pour into a chilled cocktail glass rimmed with white chocolate, add a spear of fresh raspberries, and serve.
Vampire Kiss Martini Ingredients: • 1 ½ oz Vodka • 1 ½ oz Korbel Champagne • ¾ oz Chambord • Red sugar for rimming
Preparation: 1. Rim the glass with red sugar (use food coloring) or drop in a set of wax vampire teeth for a real surprise. 2. Pour vodka and half of the Chambord in a martini glass. 3. Top with Champagne. 4. Pour the remaining Chambord over the back of a spoon to make it float.
Liquid Lust Ingredients: • ½ Bottle Silver Tequila • ½ Bottle White Wine • ½ cup Sugar • 1 oz Orange Juice • 2 oz Cranberry Juice • 2 Oranges (sliced) • 1 Lemon (sliced) • 1 Lime (sliced) • 1 Bunch of grapes (sliced) • 1 Apple (diced) • ½ Liter of club soda Preparation: 1. Combine the tequila, wine, sugar and juices in a punch bowl. 2. Stir until sugar is dissolved. 3. Add ice. 4. Garnish with the fresh fruit.
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Trivia Every Monday
The Beetle 2532 W Chicago Ave, Chicago Buffalo Wild Wings 7020 Carpenter Rd, Chicago Kirkwood Bar & Grill 2934 N Sheffield Ave, Chicago
Every Tuesday
The Reservoir 844 W Montrose Ave, Chicago Schubas Tavern 3159 N Southport Ave, Chicago Sheffield's 3258 N Sheffield Ave, Chicago The Garage Bar & Sandwiches 6154 N Milwaukee Ave, Chicago
Every Wednesday Fizz Bar & Grill 3220 N Lincoln Ave, Chicago
Four Farthings (8:00pm)
2060 N Cleveland Ave, Chicago
Karaoke Every Tuesday Bonsai Bar & Lounge 3503 N Halsted St, Chicago
Every Thursday Carol’s Pub (9:00pm-4:00am) 4659 N Clark, Chicago
Four Farthings (9:30pm) 2060 N Cleveland Ave, Chicago
Every Friday
MCM Pub & Eatery (8:00pm) 3906 N Cicero Ave, Chicago Peek Inn (9:00pm) 2825 W Irving Park Rd, Chicago
Every Saturday
Four Farthings (10:30pm) 2060 N Cleveland Ave, Chicago Four Treys (10:00pm) 3333 N Damen, Chicago MCM Pub & Eatery (8:00pm) 3906 N Cicero Ave, Chicago
Every Thursday Fizz Bar & Grill 3220 N Lincoln Ave, Chicago Rockit Burger Bar 3700 N Clark St, Chicago
Open Mic Every Tuesday Four Treys (10:00pm) 3333N Damen, Chicago
Pressure Billiards & Cafe 6318 N Clark St, Chicago
Every Thursday
Red Line Tap 7006 N Glenwood Ave, Chicago
Every Sunday
Kitchen Sink 1107 W Berwyn Ave, Chicago
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Dueling Pianos Every Thursday, Friday & Saturday Sluggers(9:00pm) 3540 N Clark, Chicago
Call 773-288-9400 to list your Trivia, Karaoke, Open Mic, and Dueling Piano Nights WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM
CLUB BELMONT
Big John’s
LANDMARK PUB
5135 N. Oriole Harwood Heights 708.867.6533
7844 W. Belmont 773.589.2808
The Booze is Cheap & The Entertainment is Free!!!
BIKES, BABES & BOOZE
Sick and Wrong!!!
February 2014 Calendar Chicago Restaurant Week 2/1 - 2/6, 2014 (begins Jan. 24) Get a special deal on a fixed-price lunch or dinner at 286 restaurants during Chicago Restaurant Week.
Chinese New Year Parade 2/2 (1 to 2:30 p.m.) Chinatown Lunar New Year Parade has lion & dragon dances, marching bands, and floats that go north on Wentworth Ave. and then west on Cermak Rd. Free. Motorcycle Show February 7 - 9, 2014 Find sport bikes, dirt bikes, scooters, ATVs, expert advice, live entertainment, and family activities at the International Motorcycle Show in the Rosemont convention center. Cider Tasting February 8, 2014 Try 100 artisanal ciders from throughout the world during Cider Summit at Navy Pier. Must be 21 due to alcohol content. Snow Days at Navy Pier February 8 - 9, 2014 See teams sculpt masterpieces from snow during Snow Days in Gateway Park at Navy Pier. Live entertainment, snowboarding, and kids’ activities like snow painting. Free. Auto Show February 8 - 17, 2014 Admire new vehicles at the Chicago Auto Show, where exhibits are spectacular due to the large size of McCormick Place convention center. RV and Camping Show February 12 - 16, 2014 Rosemont FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
Diving Expo February 14 - 16, 2014 Our World Underwater offers workshops for divers, films, diving-equipment, travel services, and a kids’ area at the Rosemont convention center. Run In Your Underwear February 15, 2014 Cupid's Undie Run includes a half-naked run through the streets and a party at John Barleycorn on N. Clark Street to support charity. Dog Show February 21 - 23, 2014 The International Kennel Club Cluster of Dog Shows has prize competitions, dog fashion shows, meet the breeds, pet the dogs, and kids’ activities at McCormick Place convention center.
Golf Show February 21 - 23, 2014 Hit balls with this year’s new clubs, take one-on-one full swing and putting lessons from pros, hear presentations, and shop for gear at the Chicago Golf Show at the Rosemont convention center. Mardi Gras Pub Crawl February 22, 2014 Wear colorful clothes and collect Mardi Gras beads from bars at high-energy BeadQuest in Wrigleyville. Custom Car Show February 28 - March 2, 2014 World of Wheels features hot rods, competition cars, specialty, and concept vehicles at the Rosemont convention center. 773.213.4597
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ur o y o’s ite h w r o ? v r e fa d n e t bar
VOTE FOR Y BART E E V O T
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V O T RICHARD WILD HARE
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CARRIE SLUGGERS
BRAIN OR MAURA ABBEY PUB
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Any bartender is eligible: Go to facebook.com/whatsupxtramagazine. ‘Like’ the page and ’Like’ or Comment on the bartenders photo or comment on a bartender you’d like to support or text @ 773.288.9400. The winner who receives the most votes via text & facebook will receive a 4 hour limo bus from LIMOSALIVE.NET for 24 of their friends.
TONY EL JARDIN
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Grand River Bar & Grill Student by day and Bartender by night, this one legged triathlete still manages to make it happen! As a Seattle native Levi Kane found himself tired of the rain and the laid back slow pace of the west coast so he decided to up and move to the great city of Chicago! Two and a half years later he says, “I couldn’t have made a better choice!” A UIC student majoring in Kinesiology, his hopes for the near future are to make it to Northwestern to get his masters certification in Prosthetics and Orthotics. But he’s not all pencils books! In the meantime, Levi’s either training his hardest to be one the fastest one legged triathletes in the World or slinging up some of the best cocktails to hit your lips in the West Lakeview area. Stop by the Grand River Bar & Grill at 3032 N Lincoln Ave, Chicago to sample his famous Chuck Norris cocktail made with nothing but sweet perfection!
JANUUARY BARTENDER OF THE MONTH IS...
CONGRATULATIONS
Gina
Glascott’s 2158 N. Halsted
Rules: All service employees are eligible to win. The service employee who receives the most votes in the month wins. You can submit your vote by texting (773) 288-9400 or go to facebook.com/whatsupxtramagazine “like” our page and vote by hitting “like” on the bartender’s photo .
*The Pub Crawl will begin at the employee of the months bar and the limo bus will accommodate 24 passengers. Gratuity not included and must be paid prior to service
Only two votes are counted per person and voting polls close on February 20th.
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SUDOKU
WORD SEARCH Down on the Farm
Rules: Every row, column and 3x3 box must have numbers 1 to 9
COWBELL COWBOY COWHAND COWHERD COWHIDE COWPAT COWPEA COWPOKE COWSHED
COWSLIP DUCKBILL DUCKPIN DUCKWEED GOOSEBERRY GOOSEFLESH GOOSENECK HENPECK HORSEFLY
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La La’s Love Letters Dear LaLa, My husband and I have been married about a year and we are ready to start a family. The truth of the matter is as much as I want children, I’m not really sure I am the “stay at home” type and for the record I make the larger of the two By Lauren Strec incomes. I suggested that my husband consider taking on the full-time parenting role but he’s afraid all his buddies will think less of him. I told him who cares what they think! Am I being insensitive to his needs? If you made more money than your spouse, would you want your spouse to stay home with the kids? Suzy Not So Homemaker Dear Suzy, That just makes sense to me. Your outcome is obviously going to increase, so why would you decrease your income? His buddies are definitely going to give him shit for it, but if they’re really his friends, they’re not going to genuinely lose respect. After all, who wouldn’t want a sugar momma? A lot of the jabs are probably going to stem from envy! Your husband needs to realize that the jokes will eventually subside, and he should cater to logic, instead of pride. Either take the hit and be the subject of some temporary mockery, or take the hit financially, and not be able to live as comfortably or provide as much. Dear LaLa, OMG. I am dating this girl who is smart, funny and smoking hot! After 6 months of total perfection I thought I could really see a future in this relationship. But…a few weeks ago we started staying the night at one another’s place and BAM, there it was! From the minute she wakes up the girl is talking incessantly! If there is nothing I hate worse, it’s when someone starts to make me answer 100 questions the minute I wake up. Was this too good to be true or should I just throw some duct tape over her mouth before she wakes up? Please help! Peaceful Pete Dear Pete, Women do a lot of thinking... about everything. Now that you two have taken a step to be closer, she’s probably reaching out to connect further via conversation, and she feels more comfortable to share all the things in her head. If she’s talking more than the average female, you will have to do a little talking yourself: to simply tell her you need some time to wake up. Just say that you are really incoherent upon waking, and that you need to instill a rule that anything above small talk should take place an hour after you rise. Or you can do what every other guy does, and just space off with an occasional, “Uh-huh,” until she finishes talking about work, what she’s going to eat, animals, the weather, music, family… 18
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Dear LaLa, My boyfriend doesn’t last very long! I’m lucky if I get 5 minutes out of him. We are in college and we do it a lot in between classes, but the quickies aren’t quite cutting it for me (if you know what I mean). Any ideas on how I can make him last a little longer? Longtime Linda Dear Linda, Practice makes perfect. First thing you must do? SLOW DOWN. When classes are done for the day, and you have more time, have “start and stop” sex. Do it slowly for a minute, then have him stop to kiss your neck or explore other areas. This will not only help him to last longer, but it will bring you two closer. You can also tell him to picture his best friend’s butthole, when he thinks he’s getting closer to the big finish. I don’t believe there’s such a thing as a bad lover, because everyone can be taught. You’ll just have to play teacher for a bit. Dear LaLa, I have been friends with my best girlfriend since we were 6 years old and I love her with all my heart. She has her faults, but as do we all. So, I recently started dating this guy that I really like and I have noticed that whenever I have him around her she is practically throwing herself at him trying to get his attention. I’m really uncomfortable with her behavior and I don’t want her to be upset with me but I really am not cool with this. Is there a way to handle this diplomatically or do I just tell her to “knock the shit off bitch”?! Lucy Dear Lucy, Oh hell naw. That’s not cool, and you need to call her out. You two have been friends a long time, so it should not be a problem to pull her aside, and speak to her candidly to explain what she is doing. It’s possible that she doesn’t realize that she is wearing her emotions on her sleeve. Your guy must be a catch, and while she may not be able to help if she also finds him attractive, she can control her actions, and needs a reality check. Straight out tell her that you feel awkward when she does example A, B, and C. Follow up that you’re not trying to create tension between you two, and are just addressing a fact that needs to change. Afterwards, I would avoid social situation where the three of you are together, at least for a couple weeks.
Lauren is a spokesmodel for tv, radio, live events, blogging and social media. Connect at Facebook. com/LaurenStrec for tidbits, news and fun photos
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BAR DIRECTORY
Where are you going tonight?: Lakeview East - Wrigleyville - Southport Bar Celona
3474 N. Clark
773-244-8000
Mullen’s
Bendan’s Pub
3169 N. Broadway
773-929-2929
Murphys Bleachers 3655 N. Sheffield
773-281-5356
Bernie’s
3664 N Clark
773-525-1898
Mystic Celt
3443 N. Southport
773-529-8550
Big City
1010 W. Belmot
773-935-1138
Newport Bar
1344 W Newport
773-325-9111
Blarney Stone
3424 N. Sheffield
773-348-1078
Nick’s Uptown
4015 N Sheridan
773-975-1155
Brew & View
3145 N. Sheffield
773-929-7150
North End
3733 N Halsted
Buck’s Saloon
3439 N. Halsted
773-525-1125
Paddy Long’s
1028 W Diversey
773-348-9711
Clark Street Bar 3040 N. Clark
773-281-6690
Parrots Bar
754 W Wellington
773-281-7878
Coobah
3423 N. Southport
773-528-2220
Piano Bar
3801 N. Clark
773-528-4033
Cubby Bear
1059 W Addison
773-327-1662
Raw Bar & Grill
3720 N Clark St
773-348-7291
Cullen’s Bar
3741 N. Southport
773-975-0600
Rebel Bar
3462 N. Clark
773-348-9084
Dram Shop
3040 N. Broadway
773-549-4401
Redmond’s
3358 N Sheffield
773-404-2151
Fiesta Cantina
3407 N. Clark
773-975-5980
Roadhouse 66
3330 N. Clark
773-525-8166
Friar Tucks
3010 N. Broadway
773-327-5101
Rockit Bar
3700 N.Clark
773-645-4400
Full Shilling
3724 N. Clark
773-248-3330
Rocks
3463 N. Broadway
773-472-0493
Goose Island
3535 N. Clark
773-832-9040
Roscoe’s
3356 N. Halsted
773-281-3355
Higgins Tavern
3259 N. Racine
773-281-7637
Schoolyard
3258 N Southport
773-528-8226
Holiday Club
4000 N. Sheridan
773-348-9600
Schubas Tavern 3159 N Southport
773-525-2508
Irish Oak
3511 N. Clark
Sheffield’s
3258 N Sheffield
773-281-4989
Jack’s Bar
2856 N Southport
773-404-8400
Sidetracks
3349 N. Halsted
773-477-9189
Jacklyn’s Bar
3400 N. Broadway
773-404-5149
Sluggers
3540 N Clark
773-248-0055
Jake’s Pub
2932 N Clark
773-248-3318
Smart Bar
3730 N Clark
773-549-4140
Joe’s On Broadway 3563 N Broadway
773-528-1054
Sopo
3418 N. Southport
773-348-0100
John Barleycorns 3524 N. Clark
773-549-6000
Southport Lanes 3325 N. Southport
773-472-6600
Justin’s
3358 N Southport
773-929-4844
Sports Corner
952 W. Addison
773-929-1441
Kit Kat Lounge
3700 N Halsted
773-525-1111
Take 5 Bar
3747. Southport
773-871-5555
L&L Tavern
3207 N. Clark
773-528-1303
Toon’s
3857 N. Southport
773-935-1919
Little Jim’s
3501 N. Halsted
773-871-6116
Town Hall Pub
3340 N Halsted
773-472-4405
Lucky’s 3
472 N. Clark
773-549-0665
Trace
3714 N. Clark
773-477-3400
Mad River
2909 N. Sheffield
773-935-7500
Trader Todd’s
3216 N Sheffield
773-348-3250
Matilda
3101 N Sheffield
773-883-4400
Vaughans Pub
2917 N. Sheffield
773-281-8188
Matisse
674 W. Diversey
773-528-6670
Vines
3554 N. Clark
773-327-8572
Merkles
3516 N Clark
773-244-1025
Wrigleyville North 3900 N Sheridan
773-929-9543
Metro Smart Bar 3730 N Clark
773-549-4140
Yak-Zies Bar
773-525-9200
Monsignor Murphys
773-348-7285
3019 N. Broadway
FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
773.213.4597
3527 N Clark
773-325-2319
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3710 N Clark
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BAR DIRECTORY
Where are you going tonight?:
Lincoln Park & Old Town Augie's
1721 W. Wrightwood
773-296-0018
McGinny's Tap
313 W. North
773-943-5228
Bird's Nest
2500 N. Southport
773-472-1502
Mickey's
2450 N. Clark
773-435-0007
Blue's
2519 N. Halsted
773-525-8317
O' Brien's
1528 N. Wells
312-787-3131
Burton's Place
1447 N. Wells
773-664-4699
Old Town Ale
219 W. North
773-944-7020
Burwood Tap
7242 W. Wrightwood
773-525-2593
Old Town Pub
1339 N. Wells
773-266-6789
Clybar
417 N. Clybourn
773-388-1877
O'Malley's West 2249 N. Lincoln
773-935-2719
Corcoran's
1615 N. Wells
773-440-0885
Orso's
1401 N. Wells
773-787-6604
Delilah's
2771 N. Lincoln
773-472-2771
Ravens
2326 N. Clark
773-348-1774
Duffy's
422 W. Diversey
773-549-9090
River Shannon
425 W. Armitage
773-944-5087
Durkin's
810 W. Diversey
773-525-2515
Rocks
1301 W. Schubert
773-472-7728
Elbo Room
2817 N. Lincoln
773-549-5549
Saluki Bar
1208 N. Wells
773-274-1824
Field House Pub 2455 N. Clark
773-348-6489
Suite Lounge
1446 N. Wells
773-787-6106
Four Farthings
2060 N. Cleveland
773-935-2060
The Apartment
2251 N. Lincoln
773-348-5100
Frank's
2503 N. Clark
773-549-2700
The Local Option 1102 W. Webster
773-348-2008
Galway Arms
2442 N. Clark
773-472-5555
The Other Side
2436 N. Clark
773-525-8238
Gamekeepers
345 W. Armitage
773-549-0400
Tin Lizzie
2483 N. Clark
773-549-1132
Glascott's
2158 N. Halsted
773-281-1205
Tonic Room
2447 N. Halsted
773-248-8400
Goose Island
1800 N. Clybourn
773-915-0071
Weeds
1555 N. Dayton
312-943-7815
Halligan's Pub
2274 N. Lincoln
773-472-7940
Wellingtons
1300 W. Wellington
773-528-0654
Halsted Harp
2138 N. Halsted
773-348-3665
Wise Fools Pub 2270 N. Lincoln
773-929-1300
Hidden Shamrock 2732 N. Lincoln
773-883-0304
Witts
773-528-7032
Irish Eyes
773-348-9548
Wrightwood Tap 1059 W. Wrightwood
2
2519 N. Lincoln
Joe's Sports Bar 940 W. Weed
773-337-3486
John Barleycorn 2300 N. Lincoln
773-348-8899
John's Place
1200 W. Webster
773-525-6670
Kelly's Pub
949 W. Webster
773-281-0656
Kendall's Pub
2263 N. Lincoln
773-348-7200
Kincade's
950 W. Armitage
773-348-0010
Kingston Mines
2548 N. Halsted
773-477-4646
Lincoln Station
2432 N. Lincoln
773-472-8100
Lincoln Tap
3010 N. Lincoln
773-868-0060
Lion Head Pub
2251 N. Lincoln
773-348-5100
Max Bar
2247 N. Lincoln
773-549-5884
McGee's
950 W. Webster
773-549-8200
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2913 N. Lincoln
773-459-4949
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face. I said, "What's wrong honey?" Sad and broken up she looked at me and said -"Mommy, where's my booger?
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BAR DIRECTORY
Where are you going tonight?: Northwest
Paddy Macks
4157 N. Pulaski
773-279-9300
Babe’s
4416 N. Milwaukee
773-545-3137
Rabbits
4945 W Foster
773-736-5766
Bill’s Pub
4104 N. Pulaski
773-202-0020
Roman’s
6448 N. Milwaukee
773-467-9827
Brigadoon
5748 W Lawrence
773.777.2403
Sidekicks
4424 W Montrose
773-545-6212
Cabaret Lounge 6101 W. Montrose
773-736-2337
Six Penny Bit
5800 W. Montrose
773-545-2033
Casual Tap
5924 W Montrose
773-283-9490
Thatch Pub
5707 N. Milwaukee
773-763-8179
Charlotte’s Bar
6000 W Gunnison
773-775-3616
Three Counties
5856 N. Milwaukee
773-631-3351
Club Belmont
7844 W. Belmont
773-598-2808
Tommy’s
6954 W Higgins
773-631-4451
Di’s Den
5100 W Irving Park
773-736-7170
Trinity Pub
5943 N. Northwest
773-763-0095
Dugan’s
6051 N. Milwaukee
773-467-5555
Vaughan’s Pub
5485 Northwest
773-631-9206
Edison Park Inn 6713 N. Olmsted
773-775-1404
Windsor Tavern
4530 N. Milwaukee
773-736-3400
Emerald Isle Pub 2537 W Peterson
773-561-6674
Zachary’s
5368 N Milwaukee
773-792-0933
Fantasy Lounge 4400 N Elston
773-685-8083
Filonek’s
6213 N. Milwaukee
773-775-5010
Galvin’s Public
5901 W Lawrence
773-205-0570
Gladstone’s
5734 N. Milwaukee
773-763-3385
Ham Tree Inn
5333 N. Milwaukee
773-792-2072
Doctor I Need Help A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." She did this faithfully for several months and it worked!
Harry’s On Elston 5943 N. Elston
773-774-4166
Harwood Bar
6438 W. Montrose
708-867-7781
Hops N Barley
4359 N Milwaukee
773-286-7415
Jet’s Public Hou 6148 N. Milwaukee
773-775-7587
Jimmy Macks
5581 N. Northwest
773-631-1466
Joe E’s Lounge
4206 W Irving Park
773-283-3422
Landmark Pub
5135 N. Oriole
773-867-6533
Lasko’s
5525 N Milwaukee
773-774-9800
Little Johnny sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?"
Lizard Lounge
3058 W. Irving Park
773-463-7599
"Why, yes I am... How did you know?"
Margaret’s
5134 W. Irving Park
773-685-4493
Mary’s Place
6300 N. Milwaukee
773-775-7587
He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."
MCM Pub
3906 N. Cicero
773-736-2644
McNamaras
4328 W Irving Park
773-725-1800
Mo Dailey’s
6070 N. Northwest Hwy
773-774-6121
Moretti’s
6727 N. Olmsted
773-631-1223
Mrs. O’Leary’s
4368 N. Milwaukee
773-427-7300
Mug Shots
7718 W. Addison
773-625-8466
Murrays
5522 N Elston
773-774-3466
Night Caps
5007 W Irving Park
773-282-8654
Nil’s Tap
5734 N. Elston
773-594-1288
FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
I Have An Idea A woman begs her husband for $5000 to get a boobjob, he says no, but I have an idea, "each morning take a big wad of toilet paper and rub it between your tits". She asks " do you think it will work?" He says "hell ya it'll work, it did wonders for your ass!"
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BAR DIRECTORY
Where are you going tonight?:
Lakeview West/ Roscoe Village / North-Center / Lincoln Square / Albany Park / Ravenswood Andersonvile 240 Lounge
3948 W. Lawrence
773-267-0474
Huetten Bar
4721 N. Lincoln
773-561-2507
42 Latitude
3341 N Western
773-910-1473
Jury's
4337 N. Lincoln
773-935-2255
Abbey Pub
3420 W. Grace
773-478-4408
Katerina's
1902 W. Irving
773-348-7592
Atlantic Bar
5062 N. Lincoln
773-506-7090
Keenan O' Reilly's 3916 N. Ashland
773-857-3800
Bad Dog
4535 N. Lincoln
773-334-4040
Leadway Bar
5233 N. Damen
773-728-2663
Big Joe’s
1818 W Foster
773-784-8755
Long Room
1612 W. Irving
773-665-4500
Black Rock
3614 N. Damen
773-348-4044
Margie's Pub
4145 N. Lincoln
773-477-1644
Brendan’s Too
3135 W. Montrose
773-463-2771
Mulligan's
2000 W. Roscoe
773-549-4225
Brownstone
3937 N. Lincoln
773-528-3700
Mutiny
2428 N. Western
773-486-7774
Carol’s Pub
4659 N Clark
773-334-2402
Oakwood 83
1969 W. Montrose
773-327-2785
Celtic Crown
4301 N. Western
773-588-1110
O'Donovan's
2100 W. Irving
773-478-2100
Chicago Joe's
2256 W. Irving
773-478-7000
O'Lanagan
2335 W. Montrose
773-583-2252
Chief O'Neills
3471 N. Elston
773-583-3066
Peek Inn
2825 W. Irving Park
773-267-5197
Christina's Place 3759 N. Kedzie
773-463-1768
Rail Bar
4709 N Damen
773-878-9400
Claddagh Ring
773-271-4794
Richochet's
4644 N. Lincoln
773-271-3127
Cody's Public House 1658 W. Barry
773-528-4050
Riverview
1958 W. Roscoe
773-871-1200
Daily's Bar
4560 N. Lincoln
773-561-6198
Roscoe Villiage Pub 2159 W. Addison
773-472-6160
Farraguts
5240 N Clark
773-728-4903
Save More Lounge 4060 N. Lincoln
773-281-1444
Finley Dunnes
3458 N. Lincoln
773-477-7311
Side Street
1456 W. George
773-327-1127
Fizz
3220 N. Lincoln
773-348-6000
Silvie's
1902 W. Irving
773-871-6239
Foley's
1841 W. Irving
773-929-1210
Small Bar
2956 N. Albany
773-509-9888
Four Moon
1847 W. Roscoe
773-929-6666
Stadium West
3188 N. Elston
773-866-2450
Four Shadows
2758 N. Ashland
773-248-9160
Ten Cat Tavern
3931 N. Ashland
773-935-5377
Four Trey's Pub 3333 N. Damen
773-549-8845
The Temple
3001 N. Ashland
773-248-0990
Fuller's Pub
3203 W. Irving
773-478-8060
Uptown Lounge 1136 W. Lawrence
773-878-1136
Gio’s
4857 N. Damen
773-334-0345
Villiage Tap
2055 W. Roscoe
773-883-0817
Hidden Cove
5336 N. Lincoln
773-275-3955
Waterhouse
3407 N. Paulina
773-871-1200
Hidden Cove
5338 N. Lincoln
773-275-6711
Wild Goose
4265 N. Lincoln
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TA L E S F R O M T H E C H R I S
Days of Palmolive and Ouzo By Rob Christiansen
I’ve never been able to accept a compliment or apologize. Maybe one day I will, especially if I keep practicing the piano… or play after midnight and wake everyone up. I’m in a trap situation where I must apologize. The woman to whom I’m indebted is pretty, but she’s twenty-six years old.
Furthermore, she’s a love interest and I think she likes me. Dear Ann Landers, I have this instinct in her kitchen. Help! It’s a new instinct, Mrs. Landers, but I somehow recognize it. I feel like a bird that flies to San Juan Capistrano every year on March 19, as though it can read a map…or a calendar. “I’m sorry, Margaret,” I say. I had no choice. She caught me reading her Department of Motor Vehicles letter. I know what she weighs, and I could go to jail for that. Despite being under panic attack, I apologize without rambling, in fewer words than the Gettysburg Address. Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy. Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln. “Keep it Simple, Stupid.” Yes, I’d like to kiss her. Margaret, I mean. She sizes me up. She leans back against the sink as though she is quietly celebrating having washed the dishes. That’s what I always do, after my turn at washing the supper dishes. I drape the towel over my shoulder and cross my arms. I do that for several seconds. It clears my head. Margaret crosses her ankles and rests her elbows on the edge of the sink. There are no dishes in her sink. She’s a stickler for enunciation…and for an empty sink. When I come back to mow her lawn next week, I’ll bring her a bottle of Palmolive soap with a red bow stuck to it. “Who is this?” I ask, referring to the music. She hasn’t accepted my apology and it weighs on my mind. I might have to lean back against her sink with a towel draped over my shoulder and clear my head. I point towards an unseen, imagined, stereo. “This is Hues Corporation and I’m your disk jockey,” she says. “I buy albums at Times Square Store and stack them and off they go, into the wild blue yonder.” She twirls her finger and blows at it, and she misses. She crosses her eyes for comic effect like Barbra Streisand in “Funny Girl.” “I need glasses,” she says. Margaret, I mean. I’m not sure if she’s generally funny or if she just uses spot humor as a conversation piece. If I had to give her a pet name it would be “Water” because she is stooping to my level. Actually, water seeks the highest level. I’ll call her “Hot Water” because that’s where I’d like to be with her. I do need a shower, as you clearly can see by the sweaty looks of me. I feel the stirrings of confidence—and of a bonus, even though I misspelled it…and made it plural. It’s one of them…and two FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
of those. Through Margaret’s lunacy she has pardoned me for reading her letter, like President Ford pardoned former President Nixon for throwing a TV set out of the window (“defenestrated”) of the Watergate Hotel. Actually, Keith Moon did that. I wonder how his library is coming along. Nixon’s, I mean. I wonder if he has read “All the President’s Men.” “I’m sorry I read your letter, Margaret,” I say. The “parentheses” around Margaret’s mouth (in lieu of dimples) hold personal and not hard data. As I told you before, she weighs 124 pounds. Actually, I hadn’t divulged Margaret’s weight. I’m awkward. I’m not awkward. I’m in transition. I’m seventeen. I’m filled with unbridled passion and I don’t watch my mouth. I’ve eaten Palmolive many times before, although someone had force-fed it to me. Mom! This brings me back to Margaret, in my paint-by-numbers brain, of course, but what do you expect of a mama’s boy? No one else could make me practice piano every day for eight years. Ahh, Margaret. She’s smiling. Margaret probably was born smiling, on October 11, (the DMV letter strikes again!), and throws parties by laughing. The water in the glass she gave me is ouzo, which previously I had consumed once, by mistake. It was pushing midnight on New Year’s Eve at Skip’s house. Suddenly, I needed an appendectomy. Happy New Year! “Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa, da da da da.” It’s a song by Nat King Cole, and I can play it. “I heard you the first time, Lyle,” Margaret says, because my name is Lyle, as in, “Levittown, Long Island.” “I—I’m just confused because the men I know don’t know how to say they’re sorry.” She’s got to be kidding, playing me, but I’m totally sucked into her little Cape Cod sans upstairs dormer or den. Our house has both, although I live with my parents and my two sisters. I think Margaret lives alone. She and I are in the belly of an Electrolux vacuum cleaner, shaped like a Dachshund, resembling the mechanical mutt in Ray Bradbury's “Fahrenheit 451.” Mr. Mezzapeza assigned it in March. (It’s nice to thank a teacher.) I could find the closet where Margaret keeps her Electrolux blindfolded, if she blindfolded me. I would hear the ocean’s waves, if she nibbled on my ear, while I was blindfolded. My senses are at a peak. I turn my back to avoid poking her with my “bonus” but I smell Palmolive. Only my sense of taste fails. The water really isn’t ouzo. But you never taste the water, in Levittown. That’s why I love my hometown. I hand Margaret the glass with nothing in it except skeletal, diminished, ice cubes. “Thank you,” I say. She asks if I want more water. I accept. “Have a seat,” she says.
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ut o b A Out &
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aile Mo D
y’s
aile Mo D
y’s
’s ailey D o M
aile Mo D
y’s
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’s Kelly
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