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Whats Up tra SOUTH WEST SEPTEMBER 2012
SAMANTHA
TIC - N- TIN Burbank
B O T M
FACEBOOK.COM/WASSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
READ WHATS UP XTRA MAGAZINE ONLINE @
WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM 773.288-9400
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MARLINS 7236 39TH St. Lyons
THURSDAY LIVE DJ (10PM - 2AM) NO COVER
$4 MILLER PITCHERS & $2 MIXED WELL DRINKS
SUN MON TUE WED FRI
MILLER BUCKETS 5 for $12 .25 CENT WINGS ALL DAY $3 CORONA $3 IMPORT DRAFT PINTS LIVE MUSIC! NO COVER! $3 MILLER BOTTLES $1.75 MILLER BOTTLES
IN
C L C UD NE A E W P S S U P LE R S IZE
SAT
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708.442.2645
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ER Game
You haven’t boxed a Boxer till you’ve boxed...
THE GLOVE
For Fun For Tournaments
Bars and Event Coordinators
call 773.288.9400
to order the Boxer at no cost or to schedule a tournament at your bar
New Machines: prizes paid out through the machine for top scores, wheel of fun,. and more... FACEBOOK.COM/WASSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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Chicagoland is filled with extraordinary nightclubs, unparalleled dining venues and some of the biggest events in the world! But, do you ever wonder where the locals go? Where are the best neighborhood bars, eateries, and local festivals? Where can you find live music, karaoke and trivia nights? Who has the best food and drink specials around? If you are ready to experience the Chicagoland area like the locals do then make sure to pick up your free copy of What’s Up Xtra Magazine at any of the 300+ locations in the Chicago and South West Suburbs or check out our Facebook page daily to find out where you should be going tonight!
Does Advertising TABLE OF Work? It just did... CONTENTS Call 773.288.9400 and ask for Lisa
5 Sudoku and crossword puzzle
OUR STAFF Lisa romack Sales Director
6 news of interest 8 bartender of the month 12 are you smarter than chester
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13 Band review
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Whats Up tra SOUTH WEST
2012 JUNE FREE
14 ASK THE WINO 14 riddle of the month tra
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Robert Christiansen Column Writer
15 september Festival Lineup
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Angel Hernandez music Writer
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16 dine and dash
Timothy Parfitt Column Writer
18 BOOK REVIEW Check us out online - Read the magazine, Photos & More... www.whatsupxtra.com
20 - 22 bar directory 27 word find
LAUREN STREC COLUMN Writer
24 tattle tales Front page photo at X’s & O’s in Bridgeview by Justin Cerniuk The name What’s Up Xtra Magazine is a registered trade name, and use of this name is strictly prohibited. The contents of this publication are copyrighted What’s Up Xtra Chicago Magazine -2012 We encourage our readers to write their stories, send photos, and make comments. All submissions sent to us by phone, email, fax, or handwritten become the property of What’s Up Xtra Chicago Magazine.
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26 karaoke open mic trivia nights 30 horoscope CHECK OUT
Whats UP Xtra Magazine CHICAGO / SOUTHWEST EDITIONS
GO TO FACEBOOK TO SEE & TAG YOUR PHOTOS
TED PHILLIPS Photographer
We are always on the lookout for dynamic writers, photographers and sales staff to contribute to our publication If you are interested in joining our team or interested in advertising opportunities contact us at 773-288-9400 or email: whatsupxtra@yahoo.com
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Sidebar 167
Philly’s Steak & Lemonade Mon-Fri 10am-4am Saturday 10am-5am Sunday 11am-4am Lunch Special: 11am - 4pm - .50 Cent Wings, $2 Hot Dog & Fries, $3 Burger & Fries, $2 Nachos, Dine In Only
Sept 12
National Video Game Day
Join us in our Wii Bowling Tournament Win a Prize
Our Bloody Marys are simply the best on the SouthSide with all the imaginable fixings..
2905 W 167th St
Hazel Crest
708-596-5055
BEARS GAME SPECIALS: $10 DOMESTIC BUCKETS + $3 BOMBS + $4 MIXED DRINKS + FREE FOOD AT HALF TIME
Sun
$10 Domestic Buckets, $4 Bloody Marys & $3 Shots
Mon
$5 Long Island, $1 Domestic Drafts, $3 Apple Pie Shots
Tue
$1.50 Domestic Bottles, $1.50 Well Mixed Drinks, $4 Margaritas, $4 UV Bombs
Wed
$2 Domestic Beers, $4 U Call It & $3 Bombs
Thu
$3 Imports, $7 Patron Margarita & $3 Tequilla Shots
Sat
$3.50 Bloody Marys, $4 UV Mixed Drinks & $2 Well Shots
Every Friday DJ Jammin Julian 11pm-5am (No Cover)
HOURS: Sun-Thurs 11am - 4am / Fri & Sat 11am - 5am (NO COVER)
Boxer Game (Come win some panties), Life Size Jenga,
PRIVATE PARTY ROOM AVAILABLE Pool Table, Darts, Indoor Bean Bags and Wii Sports
SUDOKU Rules: Every column, row and 3x3 box must have numbers 1 to 9
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News of Interest
A Prescription For Depression: Take a Walk in the Park
Whether you are feeling depressed or actually have been diagnosed with clinical depression, nature walks or a walk in the park can help. A study published in the Journal of Affective Disorders found that walking in a wooded area boosted performance on memory and attention tests by an average of 20 percent. The cognitive improvements were much better when compared to results from those who took walks in busy city environments. The reason for the improvement was not entirely clear, though it suggests that a walk in a peaceful setting allows the brain to restore and refresh its capabilities by eliminating external distractions that can tax memory and attention. It will also help after you read and wrap your head around the story at the bottom right of this page
Picks for the Top 10 College Football Coaches by Athlonsports.com
1. Nick Saban, Alabama. He led the Crimson Tide to two national titles and four seasons of at least 10 victories. 2. Urban Meyers, Ohio State. Previously, Meyers led Florida to two national titles and was named Coach of the Decade (2000-2009).
watch.
3. Bob Stoops, Oklahoma. He has emerged again as a national power. The Sooners are 84-21 under his
4. Frank Beamer, Virginia Tech. He has won 209 games for the Hokies, at least 10 games in eight straight years. 5. Chris Petersen, Boise State. Led the team to an undefeated season in his first year and a big Fiesta Bowl victory. 6. Chip Kelly, Oregon. Previous winner of two championships, Kelly has now won three titles in three seasons. 7. Gary Patterson, TCU. A defensive guru, his Horned Frogs won at least 11 games in six of the last seven seasons. 8. Steve Spurrier, South Carolina. Former boss at Florida, he made South Carolina a consistent winner in the SEC, something no other coach has been able to do. 9. Brian Kelly, Notre Dame. He hasn't won big yet, but had two national titles at Div. II Grand Valley State. 10. Lane Kiffin, USC. In spite of scholarship reductions due to NCAA sanction, USC is positioned to run for the national championship in 2012.
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College Football Playoff Approved for 2014 After all the controversy surrounding the Bowl Championship Series, a four-team college football playoff will be implemented in the 2014 season. A committee will select the four semifinalists, much as the field for an NCAA basketball tournament is set. No conference will automatically qualify one of its teams. The two semifinal games will be rotated among six bowl sites, over a 12-year period, and will be played Dec. 31 or Jan. 1. Locations of those bowls have not been selected. The championship game will be held at a neutral site, and cities will have the opportunity to bid to host the event. The game will be played on the first Monday in January that is at least six days after the semifinals. "It will be much like the Super Bowl," said Jim Delany, the Big Ten commissioner, who was quoted in the New York Times.
Cubs Win Bidding for Cuban Baseball Star The Chicago Cubs have a plan to end their 104-year championship drought. Part of the plan is a $30,000 bet on Cuban outfielder Jorge Soler, 20. It's the biggest team-building contract the Cubs have made since Theo Epstein became president of baseball operations last October. Epstein thinks the Cubs will be ready to compete for a championship by 2015. His plan includes the acquisition of top first base prospect Anthony Rizzo and outfielder Brett Jackson. Soler is a 6’3”, 225-pound right-handed power hitter. He had until July 2 to sign with a major league team without being subject to new basic agreement regulations, which will begin capping international spending at $2.9 million per team without penalty. To sign Soler, the Cubs outbid four other major league baseball teams. Epstein told USA Today, "We're trying to build up talent. We need core players, and we'll continue to look under rocks to find them."
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OPENFullTILService... 4 AM (Mon - Sat)
Bar + Restaurant + Pizzeria
OPEN 6AM - 4AM
MON - FRI (FOOD SERVED) 6301 W. 73RD ST. BEDFORD PARK 708.728.6500
Tuesday Night’s!
NEW MENU
.50 cent wings, $1.25 PBR bottles and 16 oz cans, $3 bombs, $4 well drinks and import bottles, $6 BMF's and long islands, and don't forget about our bucket specials!!
Thirsty Thursday’s!! Best specials around!! $1.25 PBR bottles and 16 oz. cans, $2 bombs
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r u o sy e ’ o wh orit fav nder? te r a b
VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE SEPTEMBER BARTENDER Go to
facebook.com/wassupxtramagazine ‘Like’ the page and ‘Like’ or comment on the bartenders photo or text 773.288.9400 or vote @ www.whatsupxta.com The winner will receive a 6 hour limo bus from LIMOSALIVE.NET for 24 of their friends.
Bartender: Abbie
Bartender: Heather
Maxum in Willowbrook
Penalty Box in Plainfield
Signature Drink: Liquid Marijuana
Signature Drink: Purple Passion Ingredients: Bacardi Dragon Berry, Blue Curacao, Club Soda, Grenadine
Ingredients: Malibu, Blue Curacao, Pineapple Juice, Sour Words of Wisdom: “Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.”
Words of Wisdom: “The worse you are at thinking, the better you are at drinking.”
Bartender: Sophie
Bartender: Ted
Fill Up Station in Berwyn
115 Bourbon Street
Signature Drink: Snickers Martini
Signature Drink: Dreamsicle Martini
Ingredients: Vodka, Frangelico, Kahlua, Bailey’s Irish Cream, Godiva Chocolate Liqueur
Ingredients: Dr. McGillicuddy’s Vanilla, Ketel One Oranje, Orange Juice, Whip Cream
Words of Wisdom: “Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness.”
Words of Wisdom: “Beer, now cheaper than gas.”
AUGUST BARTENDER OF THE MONTH IS... Congratulations...
Samantha
from Tic N Tin in Burbank “Stay true to your heart” Rules: All service employees are eligible to win. The service employee who receives the most votes in the month wins. You can submit your vote by texting (773) 288-9400 or go to facebook.com/whatsupxtramagazine “like” our page and vote under the bartender’s photo or go to www.whatsupxtra.com
Only one vote is counted per person and voting polls close on September 20th. *The Pub Crawl will begin at the employee of the months bar and the limo bus will accommodate 24 passengers. Gratuity not included and must be paid prior to service
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Buzz Bomb
PUNOGRAPHICS
Bedford Park
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now. When chemists die, they barium. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. PMS jokes aren’t funny; period. I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz. I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
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Who Wears The Pants?
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat. He said, “Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, “Here, try these on.”“
Fly Swatter I was visiting my son and daughter-inlaw last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century, old man!" he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers! Here, you can borrow my iPod." I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it!
She did and said, “These are too big, I can’t wear them.” I replied, “Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.” Ever since that night, we have never had any problems. “Hmmm,” said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, “Here, try these on..! She tried them on and said, “These are too large. They don’t fit me.” Mike said, “Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don’t want you to ever forget that.” Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, “Here, you try on mine! Mike did and said, “I can’t get into your panties.” Karen said, “Exactly, and if you don’t change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.”
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The Old Man on the Moped An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH!
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars! “
Something whips by him going much faster!
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
“That's a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
Then, up ahead of him, He sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph
“Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
And he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
The Moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
“No problem,” replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, “That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!” Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedo meter reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
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Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops, jumps out, and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, “I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!” CHECK OUT OUR NEW WEBSITE @ WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM
Explosion
Tally Ho
A terrific explosion occurred in a gunpowder factory, and one of the survivors was asked to make a statement. "Okay Simpson, you were near the scene, what happened?" the investigator asked.
3000 E. 138th St.
The investigator was shocked and horrified. "How long had he worked here?" "About 20 years, sir." "Then he strikes a match in the mixing room? I'd have thought that would be the last thing he'd have done."
Bean Bag and Horseshoes Beer Garden is Open Daily Drink Specials
"It was, sir."
Ellen failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today. One of the questions was, "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**king big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.
708.933.6360
Bloody Mary Sunday
"Well, old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room. I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."
Health and Safety
Burnham
Boxer Game Pool Table - Beer Garden
A Day At The Park A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients (that he affectionately called his "nuts") to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the National Anthem began the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts", and they all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts", and they all started booing and cat calling. Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant in a frantic frenzy, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?" The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS"!!!
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X’s & O’s Sports Lounge
Bridgeview
Are You Smarter Than CHESTER “The Sock Monkey”? 1. What Ivy League football team once lost an NCAA record 44 straight games? Was it Harvard, Columbia, Notre Dame, or Syracuse? 2. If a team uses excessive time outs, the resulting penalty is 5 yards, 10 yards, 15 yards, or it is not a penalty? 3. Does a football team need to drive to the 5, 10, 20, or 50 yard line to reach the "red zone"? 4. In 1911 a touchdown was worth 2, 3, 4, or 5 points? 5. What "winning" slogan credited to Vince Lombardi was uttered first by UCLA coach Red Sanders? Was it "Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing", “Pull your heads out of you’re a**”, or “You win some, you lose some”? 6. If a player is wearing illegal equipment, they are suspended for the rest of the game, the rest of the possession, for 1 down, or not at all? 7. Was former Chicago Bears star Walter Payton, Gayle Sayers, or Dick Butkus known as "the Enforcer," "the Animal" and "Paddles"? 8. In 1943 NFL players were required for the first time to wear Shoulder Pads, Nut Cups, Helmets, or Mouth Guards during games?
“Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just the first step.” - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., clergyman, and civil rights leader
9. Were there 20, 22, 24, or 26 teams that graced the NFL after the AFL officially joined in 1970? 10. An illegal block above the waist, a chop block, a deliberate kick of a loose ball, or offensive pass interference is not a 10 yard penalty?
Answers 6. 1 down 7. Dick Butkus 8. Helmets 9. 26 10. A chop block
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1. Columbia 2. 5 yards 3. The 20 4. 5 points 5."Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing"
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LIVE MUSIC
Last False Hope Band: Last False Hope For fans of: Hank Williams, Choking Victim, and American Nightmare. Upcoming shows: September 28, 2012 at Tap’s Pub, Oak Forest, IL. Doors at 9pm, $5. With Molly Gene One Whoaman Band (Warrensburg MI) and T Junior (Montgomery AL). Hardcore, street punk music using bluegrass instrumentation is definitely a rarity in the music scene. However, three years ago Josh Nutting decided to pick up his mandolin, had his wife buy a banjo, and together started a new type of band from scratch. Last False Hope now consists of Josh on lead vocals and mandolin, Kristina on banjo, Steve Stepien on drums, and Shawn Connors on lead guitar. Both Steve and Shawn are veteran artists coming from the underground death metal scene. In addition to the original four, the band added Guitarist Dave Wiegers, a long time veteran on the Chicago Punk scene, bassist Ian Watson, a Milwaukee native, and Colleen Mary on the fiddle. All members currently reside in the Chicago area except for Dave. Last False Hope currently has a 4 song EP, The Shape of Bluegrass to Come, which features Stza Crack, lead vocalist from Leftover Crack and Choking Victim. In November they will be hitting the studio to record their debut full length LP which will be produced by Shooter Jennings, an American singer-songwriter active in the country music and Southern rock genres. Although an exact release date and album name is still up in the air, they will be releasing a 7” featuring their first single “Tear It Out” in early 2013. This album will feature artists that include Rachel Brooke, Leroy Virgil from Hellbound Glory, and Jorge Herrera from The Casualties. Unfortunately touring is not on their immediate agenda, but that has not stopped the band from playing shows in Indiana, Kentucky, and Wisconsin every chance they get. When you see them live, you can expect music that makes you want to dance, intensity, and a twenty-five minute set of pure mayhem. Last False Hope definitely differs from any other collaboration Josh has been a part of. He explains, “Basically the difference is in the instruments and the musicians. The death metal guys are so insanely technical, which makes us all better players and brings a unique sound and style to the band. I will always consider us a punk band, but really there is so much more going on than just punk rock. People assume because we are acoustic, that we will be mellow or traditional, but that is certainly not the case. I will go out on a limb here and say that we are one of the heaviest bands in the area right now.”
For more information on Last False Hope check them out on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LastFalseHope) FACEBOOK.COM/WASSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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Ask The Wino... Wino: Rodney Shannigan Smells Like: Belly Button Wax Likes: Calvin Klein underwear and Hamsters Dislikes: Lady Gaga and Transvestites
Helen the Star asks: I am a young woman from the Chicago who recently made it big in Hollywood and recently I was stepping out of a limo and realized that I had forgotten to put on my panties. Some people took my picture and everyone got to see my shaved privates displayed all over the internet. I feel so violated, what should I do? Wino: If that many people want to see you without your panties, maybe you should try doing that for a living. Plenty of other trailer park trash in Hollywood show off their privates every day for good money. Remember, you are not alone. Geraldine the Alderman asks: I am a successful political woman and darn good attorney in my own right. Some people say I got here by riding my husband's coat tails, but that is not true. The common people really like me and want me to run for a higher office. Do I have a chance?
Riddle Ri ddle of the Month
WIN A $25 GIFT CERTIFICATE
Ta
What do you use to hoe a row, slay a foe, and wring with woe?
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Text your answers to: 773-288-9400 or e-mail: whatsupxtra@yahoo.com Leave your name, e-mail, and telelphone number. All correct answers go into drawing.
You hear it speak, for it has a hard tongue. But it cannot breathe, for it has not a lung. What is it? Answer: A Bell Winner: Jason Campano
Marlins
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Wino: Personal hygiene is just that, personal. What suits one person need not, necessarily, suit another. I, for instance, take a plunge once a week in the Chicago River fully-clothed and feel immeasurably better for it. Funnily enough this usually happens on the day I get my welfare check and go to the local titty bar tra
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Answer to Last Months Riddle
Marvin the Editor asks: My wife insists on taking a shower every morning and a bath in the evening. Surely this is taking cleanliness a step too far? My wife counter argues that I am just a filthy man, but I insist that anybody in a non-manual job need only bathe once every few days. Which one of us is right?
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Wino: The "Common People" that you refer to do not like you. They called you "Billary" for years and think your daughter has a horse face…oops sorry that is someone else. They think you don't mind your husband’s “happy endings” because you never put out for him for years. They probably even think you are a closet dyke. Outside of a few media people, everyone hates your guts and hoped you fail miserably. No, you don't have a chance.
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SEPTEMBER FESTIVALS Taste Of Melrose Park
Aug 31-Sept 2
1000 N. 25th Avenue
Melrose Park
www.melrosepark.org
Naperville Last Fling
Aug 31-Sept 3
Downtown Naperville
Naperville
www.lastfling.org
Chicago Jazz Festival
Aug 30-Sept 2
Millennium and Grant Park Chicago
www.cityofchicago.org
Goose Island 312 Block Party
Sept 1
Walnut St. btw Wood & Wolcott Chicago
www.312chi.com
CRUSH in Old Town
Sept 1-2
1600 N. Wells Chicago
Free
Windy City Wine Festival
Sept 7
Grant Park
$28-35 www.localwineevents.com
Chuck's Fest and Beer Expo
Sept 7-9
Toyota Park, 7000 S Harlem Ave Bridgeview $5
www.chucksfest.com
Darien Fest
Sept 7-9
Community Park, Darien
www.darienchamber.com
Historic Route 66 Car Show
Sept 8
Ogden Avenue
www.berwynrt66.com
79th Street Renaissance Festival
Sept 8
79th Street btwn. Racine & Loomis Chicago Free
www.explorechicago.org
Ukrainian Village Fest
Sept 8-9
Superior St & Oakley Blvd Chicago
www.stsv.org
Berghoff Oktoberfest
Sept 12-14
Federal Plaza, 230 S Dearborn Chicago
www.local.com
Jazz and Blues Festival
Sept 14
Memorial Park Amphitheater La Grange Park
www.cpdlgp.org
Oktoberfest
Sept 14-15
Downtown Oak Park
Free
www.downtownoakpark.net
River Days
Sept 14-15
Downtown Plainfield
Free
www.plainfieldriverfront.com
Oktoberfest
Sept 14-15
Depot District Area on Windsor Ave Berwyn
Dickensfest
Sept 21-22
Lincoln Park, 509 W Dickens Chicago
Southside Oktoberfest
Sept 28-30
Toyota Park 7000 S. Harlem Bridgeview
www.southsideoktoberfest.com
Chicago Vegan Mania
Sept 29
Broadway Armory 5917 N. Broadway Chicago Free
www.chicagoveganmania.com
Hyde Park Jazz Festival
Sept 29-30
Hyde Park Numerous Unique Venues
www.hydeparkjazzfestival.org
www.oldtownchicago.org
Berwyn
$5
www.berwyn.net Free
www.lincolncentral.org
Checkout On Register 10 This man's in the line at the supermarket checkout. But when he gets to the register he realizes he's forgotten to pick up his condoms. So he asks the checkout girl if she could have someone bring them. She replies, "Of course, Sir, but I'll just check your size. Drop your pants please." Wow, he thinks, this is great service, and he drops them. She reaches over the counter, grabs his member, picks up the store intercom and announces, "One box of large condoms to register 10." Well, the next man in line thought this was interesting and, so, when he gets to the check out, he tells the checker that he too has forgotten to get condoms, and asks if she could have some brought up to the register. Sure enough, she asks him to drop his pants to check his size, gives him a quick feel, picks up the store intercom and says, "One box of medium sized condoms to register 10." A few customers back was this teen-age boy. He thought what he'd seen was just so cool, and he'd never had any sexual experience with a woman, so this seemed like his big chance. When he gets to the register, he tells the checker he needs some condoms brought up to the register. She asks him what size, and he says he doesn't know. So she asks him to drop his pants for her to check. One quick feel and she picks up the intercom and announces, "Clean up crew to register 10!" FACEBOOK.COM/WASSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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115 Bourbon Street
Merrionette Park
SEPT
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Groucho’s
Chicago
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DINE & DASH by Lisa Hanrahan
CHICKEN CHILI TO CHEER FOR!
The evenings are beginning to cool off, the kids are back in school, and football season is in full swing. Weekends are a great time to spend with family and friends enjoying some ice cold beer and cheering on your favorite football teams. Of course no party is complete without a great meal and there is no easier way to satisfy your hungry football fans than to present them with a crockpot full of hearty, hot chili! This recipe is a fantastic twist on an old school favorite that will not only satisfy the toughest of Chili connoisseurs but is a bit “heart healthier” than the “old school” versions.
Ingredients:
2 pounds skinless, boneless chicken breast halves (cubed), 1 (16 oz) container natural chicken stock, 1 (16 oz) jar Pace garlic and lime Verde salsa, 2 (10 oz) Ro*Tel® Original Diced Tomatoes & Green Chilies (do not drain), 4 (16 ounce) cans BUSH'S® Great Northern Beans, 2 (14 oz) cans white corn (drained), 1 chopped, seeded jalapeno, 1
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chopped red pepper, 1 chopped green pepper, 1/4 cup chopped Spanish onion, 2 teaspoons minced garlic, 2 teaspoons ground cumin, 2 teaspoons red pepper flakes, 2 teaspoons chili powder, 1 teaspoon dried oregano, 1/2 teaspoon sea salt
Garnish: shredded pepper jack cheese, sour cream, and fresh cilantro Directions
1. Place chicken and chicken broth in a saucepan over medium heat. Bring to a boil and cook until chicken is no longer pink and juices run clear, 7 to 10 minutes. Transfer chicken and broth to a slow cooker. 2. Sautee jalapenos, red and green pepper, onions, and garlic over medium heat until slightly tender, 5-7 minutes. Transfer to the slow cooker when finished. 3. Stir in the remaining ingredients and cover and cook on Low until flavors are blended, 8 to 9 hours. 4. Serve with shredded pepper jack cheese, sour cream, and fresh cilantro. CHECK OUT OUR NEW WEBSITE @ WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM
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Want To Go Into Space?
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble. Broken pencils are pointless. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes. Velcro - what a rip off! A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! FACEBOOK.COM/WASSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T." The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer. The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars."
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Book Review
How to Be Richer, Smarter, and Better-Looking Than Your Parents by Author Zac Bissonnette Author Says You Can Be Richer Than Your Parents When you read Zac Bissonnette's new book, it will make you smile and nod knowingly. You've will have heard some of this advice before, but not assembled all in one place and not punctuated with entertaining or funny stories as the author does in How to be Richer, Smarter, and Better Looking Than Your Parents. Though his targeted audience is young college graduates starting out on their own, his advice works for everyone. And it's cheap to buy, $10.30 on Amazon. com, where reviewers give it a surprising 4-and-a-half stars out of five. Some of his recommendations: * Cultivate non-materialistic hobbies and interests. Consider painting, biking, yoga, cheap mobile phone games, or anything that involves focus and effort but doesn't cost a lot of money. * Practice saying "no" to yourself. "Believe it or not," says Zac, "it's actually kind of fun." Minor things that he would like to buy but doesn’t need include magazines in the grocery store. Stuff doesn't lead to happiness, but willingness to say "no" does, he says. * Pay with cash. It's the one-step plan to getting rich. * Make retirement savings automatic. Divert money each pay period to a 401(k) retirement account and/or an IRA if you don't have a 401(k). * Take care of your body. Your physical appearance might very well be a better career investment than another degree. Join a gym, stop eating junk food at 3 a.m., and drink more water. * Your career should excite you. If you don't like your job, you won't be happy. * Put a high value on having a balanced life. How to Be Richer, Smarter, and Better-Looking Than Your Parents by Zac Bissonnette, 256 pages, Portfolio, Kindle edition, $9.95.
Do You Know Your Neighbors? The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!" The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that asshole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
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1050 W. Waveland Ave
Things Aren’t Always As They Seem A hippy gets on a bus and sees a nun he rather fancies. “It may have something to do with those black stockings”, he thinks to himself. Anyhow, he knows that if you don't ask you don't get, so he turns to her and says: "Sister, will you have sex with me?" "Oh no," she says, shocked, "I can't possibly do that. I'm married to God." Well, he's disappointed, but he sees her point, so he thinks that's that. But when he gets off the bus, the bus driver stops him. "Hey," he whispers, "I know how you can get to have sex with her!" "You do?" the guy says, "Quick, tell me!" "Every Saturday night she goes to the cemetery to pray, and all you have to do is lie on one of the tombstones dressed in white robe with a false beard, tell her you're God, and she'll have sex with you!" Well, he's skeptical, but why not? So Saturday night sees him in the cemetery. Sure enough, the nun comes in and begins to pray. "I am God," the man declares, keeping his hood low about his face, "and you must have sex with me." The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. Well, he's pretty desperate too, so he goes along with it and enjoys his romp with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. "Ha-ha," he cries, "I'm not God; I'm the man in the bus!" "Ha-ha," cries the nun, "Guess what? I'm the bus driver!” FACEBOOK.COM/WASSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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BAR DIRECTORY Alsip Bar 122 Dakota Inn Southsides
12219 S. Pulaski 12119 S. Crawford 11860 S Cicero
708-597-1122 708-388-6622 708-371-1133
6301 W. 73rd
708-728-6500
6715 W. Ogden Ave 6615 Roosevelt Rd 3701 Harlem 7138 Windsor 7011 Ogden Ave 6305 26th St 6814 W. Windsor 6300 W. Ogden
708-484-1043 708-788-2118 708-484-3610 708-795-1100 708-484-9464 708-484-2466 708-749-2484 708-795-1298
8000 S. Roberts Rd 7600 S. Harlem 8500 S. Harlem 7801 W. 79th Pl
708-594-5600 708-496-0300 708-598-7000 708-728-9696
361 N. Schmidt 730 N. Bolingbrook 132 N. Bolingbrook 220 Beacon Ridge 431 W. Boughton Rd 594 N. Pinecrest
630-459-6084 630-739-4646 630-739-1364 630-739-9810 630-679-1992 630-739-0575
Bedford Park Buzz Bomb
Berwyn
Cigars and Stripes Fitzgeralds Harlem Lounge James Joyce Pub Juniors Kickoffs Perception Lounge Tiger O’Stylies
Bridgeview All Star Sports Bar Illusions Tiger’s Lounge X’s & O’s Lounge
Bolingbrook Clemente’s Pub Gonzo’s Panama Connect Quarterdeck Tailgators T&T Lounge
Brookfield Irish Times Joe’s Saloon Johnny B’s Bar Local Bar Slager’s Bar
8869 Burlington` 9220 W. 47th 8436 Brookfield 3733 Grand Blvd 9308 47th
708-485-8787 708-485-9640 708-485-4504 708-255-5551 708-387-0317
5700 W. 79th 6501 W. 79th 5616 N. 87th 5406 W. 79th St 6353 W. 79th St 8642 S. Cicero 7107 W. 79th
708-529-3547 708-229-8700 708-423-1570 708-423-1523 708-233-9148 708-424-3720 708-599-6399
14540 S Torrence Ave 3000 E. 138th St
708-862-3139 708-933.6360
666 Hirsch Avenue 148 155th Street 335 154th Place 31 154th Place 816 Burnham Avenue 1245 Burnham Ave
708-891-9290 708-891-9073 708-862-2386 708-891-9748 708-832-3847 708-862-2966
Burbank Castle Inn Chuck’s Voodoo Dalton's Pub Durbins Frank's Place Maggie McGuires Tic N Tin Tap
Burnham Brown Jug Tally Ho
Calumet City Bagley’s Boss’s Lounge John L’s Place Lauers Pub Harry O’s The Hideaway
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Chicago Heights Jimmy's Tender Trap
410 W. Lincoln Hwy 109 N. Halsted St.
708-748-4949 708-755-1134
Chicago Ridge Bearhawks Bobby McGee’s O’Connor Pub Jack Desmond Jessie's Tavern Nickobee’s Lucky's Lounge
10236 Ridgeland 10139 S. Harlem 5900 W. 111th 10339 Ridgeland 10501 Ridgeland 10301 Southwest 6605 95th St
708-424-0830 708-529-3526 708-422-6400 708-857-7910 708-499-0048 708-499-2643 708-237-3776
9901 W. 55th 917 W. 55th 10901 Joliet Rd
708-354-3333 708-354-0991 708-246-3188
802 Theodore 1200 Cedarwood 20631 W. Renwick 2357 Plainfield 2115 Plainfield
815-726-3401 815-741-4318 815-838-5234 815-725-2252 815-744-4159
13602 S. Cicero 13430 S. Cicero 13815 Cicero Ave 13430 S Cicero
708-388-8862 708-371-7665 708-597-2415 708-371-7665
1358 Main St 1338 Main St 940 Steger Rd
708-672-9449 708-279-7163 708-672-1167
8109 S. Cass Ave
630-739-2999
Flossmore Station 1035 Sterling Ave North Woods 800 Kedzie Ave
708-957-2739 708-957-5600
Countryside Harry’s bar Kenny’s Tavern Rafferty’s
Crest Hill
Bada Brew Bobby McGees Chaoz Sports Gippers Gusto’s
Crestwood Brazen Head Doc’s Lounge Mitch's Pub Pockets Billiards
Crete Chuck's Place Ignorant Bliss NorthWoods
Darien
Q’s Billiards
Flossmore
Frankfort
Jameson Pub 9545 W. Saint Francis Local Bar 7900 W. Lincoln Hwy Old Plank Tavern 113 Kansas
815-469-0500 815-469-9450 815-464-1004
Hazel Crest Sidebar 167
Hickory Hills Cravens Pub Kowal's Bar Prime Time
Homer Glen Cool River Davidson Bar Mullets Pelican Harrys
2905 W. 167th St
708-596-5055
8833 W. 87th St 9401 S. Roberts Rd 7750 W. 95th St
708-237-1705 708-598-0835 708-599-2333
12622 W. 159th 14136 S. Bell Rd 14903 S. Bell Rd 14807 Founders Xing
708-301-8006 708-645-0000 708-645-7000 708-301-5555
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BAR DIRECTORY Homewood Fifth Quarter Tap Lassen’s Bar Ridgewood Tap
North Riverside 18105 Dixie Hwy 2131 183rd 2059 Ridge Rd
Bar Tini Lounge Sweet Spot
708-798-2710 708-957-2220 708-798-1414
Oak Forest
8527 W. 79th 8531 W. 79th
708-924-6003 708-728-9990
Blarney Stone Marcotte’s Tap's Pub
J.J. Kelley’s Kilroy’s
2455 Bernice Rd 3502 Ridge Rd
708-474-9977 708-895-5233
Lemont Canal St Pub Illinois Bar Nick’s Tavern The Vault Tom’s Place Stonehouse Pub
309 Canal St 1131 State St 221 Main St 308 Canal St 110 Stephen St 103 Stephen St
630-257-7438 630-257-0666 630-257-6564 630-312-8380 630-257-9875 630-257-1300
Lockport Carters Place Fat Sam’s Jackie’s Place Paradise Bay Outpost Stella’s On State
122 W. 9th 122 E. 9th 1016 S. State 105 W 10th St 14929 Archer Ave 823 S. State St
815-838-7881 815-838-4420 815-588-0715 815-838-6513 815-836-8893 815-834-2780
2549 Glenwood 10 Southland Dr. 19606 Burnham
708-474-4348 708-418-1400 708-418-2650
Lyons Tap Marlin’s McCafferty’s Pub Ricky D’s Place
8143 W. 47th 7236 Pershing Rd 8107 Ogden 7901 Ogden
708-853-9600 708-442-2645 708-442-0630 708-442-8688
McCook All Star Bar
7949 W. 47th
708-442-8600
3625 W 159th 15745 Kedzie Ave
708-331-5860 708-225-1844
Justice Davern’s Tavern New Bridges Bar
Lansing
Lynwood Benny’s Ho Chunk Margarita’s
Lyons
Markham Envy’s Pub George's Place
Merrionette Park Bourbon Street
3359 W. 115th
708-388-8881
14753 S. Cicero 3915 147th St. 4660 147th St
708-687-1700 708-489-2250 708-385-4100
Midlothian Durbin’s Jack’s Place Sullivans
Mokena 191 South Morgan’s Post Game Pub
New Lenox Charleston’s
10160 W. 191st 18700 Old LaGrange Rd 9630 Willow
708-479-6873 708-478-3610 708-479-1302
2101 Calistoga
815-462-2000
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2433 DesPlaines 2531 DesPlaines
708-853-9143 708-443-5770
15400 Cicero 15501 S.Cicero 15427 Cicero
708-535-4800 708-535-8960 708-535-6374
9953 Southwest Hwy 5805 W. 87th Pl 5407 W. 95th 5207 W. 95th St. 4913 W. 95th St 9904 Southwest Hwy 9247 S. Cicero 4010 W. 111th 9848 Southwest Hwy 5305 W. 95th St. 9256 S. Cicero 9700 S. Cicero
708-424-7286 708-636-1240 708-636-0223 708-422-5275 708-422-1884
Oak Lawn Cullens Pub Demma's Bar George's Lounge Goal Post Hot Corner Inn Zone Bar Murphy's Law Quigley’s R Place Lounge St James Tailgators TC Pub
708-636-1555 708-952-4774 708-425-1330 708-423-1350 708-425-4252
Orland Park Coaches Corner Danny’s Corner Fat Sams Jordans Pub Zantes Lounge
8116 W. 143rd St 9400 W, 143rd St 15896 S. LaGrange Rd 13500 S. Harlem 8888 W. 159th St
708-364-1026 708.226.9223 708-403-0733 708-460-8330 708-364-0100
Palos Heights Joe Daniels Sam Bucas Mister Mo’s X’s & O’s Lounge
12218 S. Harlem 12231 S. Harlem 7214 College Dr 6405 W. 127th
708-923-9902 708-361-1226 708-671-0288 708-824-9600
10154 S. Roberts Rd 11011 Southwest 8300 W. 107th St. 9750 S. Roberts Rd 10307 S Roberts Rd
708-598-8881 708-974-9085 708-974-0509 708-576-8142 708-233-6400
15014 S. DesPlaines 24001 W. Lockport 24035 W. Lockport 7162 Caton 706 W Lockport 24002 W. Lockport 16108 S. Rte 59
815-609-0000 815-609-8445 815-436-9395 815-609-0192 815-436-4529 815-733-5148 815-782-7410
14401 S. Sherman 2838 W. 147th St 14344 S. Mckinley 14347 McKinley 14346 S. Western
708-385-0171 708-385-2509 708-371-7484 708-388-2006 708-388-7335
Palos Hills Durbin’s Red Velvet Valley Inn Village Pub Zante Lounge
Plainfield
Backdoor Pub Gunther’s Bar Gruben’s Tap McBride’s Pub O’Sullivan’s Pub Tap House The Penalty Box
Posen D & D's Tavern Granny's Place Guzzlers J&J’s Pub Posen Pub
Bar Directory Continued on page 22 773.288-9400
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BAR DIRECTORY
Bobby McGee’s
Chicago Ridge
Romeoville Stone City Saloon 721 N Independence
805-524-4677
South Chicago Heights Baps Tap Prisco’s Tony G's
164 W. Sauk Trail 11 W. Sauk Tr 33 W. Sauk Tr
708-755-2277 708-248-5380 708-754-6848
Steger J Martins Tap 81 E. 34th St Jack's Bar & Grill 436 W. 34th St Jolt N Joes 3215 Union
708-755-6152 708-754-7000 708-755-3330
Stickney 39th St. Pub
6611 Pershing Rd
708-484-2466
3600 North Ave
708-865-4411
7245 W. Archer
708-458-1900
17731 Oak Park 17704 Oak Park 18305 Oak Park 17265 Oak Park 17348 Oak Park 17020 Oak Park 17329 Oak Park
708-429-7955 708-633-1144 708-532-1639 708-429-1000 708-429-7000 708-532-4409 708-532-9707
Stone Park El Gusanito
Summit Europe
Tinley Park Bailey’s Bar Cuzins Tavern Dendrino's Durbins JWHollsteins Old Tinley Pub Teehan's
Willow Springs Connies Grove Inn 8258 Kean Ave Friendly Tap 8240 Archer Ave Neon Moon Saloon 8236 Kean Ave
708-839-1959 708-839-9508 708-839-8090
Willowbrook Kerry Piper Maxums Phillies Bar
7900 Joliet Rd 9300 S. Kingery 6300 S. Kingery
630-325-3732 630-789-6800 630-654-0101
6315 Main 1999 W 75th St
630-964-8454 630-985-5945
Woodbridge Cabana Charleys Shanahans
Worth Bar Code 111 7016 W 111th Street The Chieftan 6908 W 111th Street Phil Mc Krackens 6602 111th Street
708 448-4040 708 827-5739 708)671-8090
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Lipstick In Catholic School According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal, Sister Mary Paschal, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Paschal asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. CHECK OUT OUR NEW WEBSITE @ WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM
TECHNOLOGY
Stickers All Over the World?
Why Are College Football Fans So Passionate?
Stickers Trigger Smartphones to Surf the Web, Set alarms
The Passion of College Players is Unmatched in the Pro Game Are you ready for a new era in smartphone communications? Before long, you could have stickers plastered in the kitchen, the office, and in areas you haven't yet considered. The world of programmable tags features stickers that sell for a few bucks apiece. They communicate with smartphones by way of short-range technology known as near field communications, or NFC. It can be very convenient. Tap a tag on your night stand to set your alarm clock, or tap a tag on a business card to download contact information. If you don't have a smartphone yet, you might be among buyers of the 21 million NFC-enabled phones that are projected to be sold in the United States this year. NFC tags are available at various websites. It is estimated that 10 million will be sold this year. Samsung sells a package of five "TecTiles" for $15. T-Mobile and Sprint will make them available on Amazon.com. Tagstand sells NFC tags and develops the software to program them. Some tags come already programmed to do a specific task. Others require users to download an application to customize each tag with one of several dozen possible actions. What odd things can you do with them? According to Bloomberg Businessweek, one woman has a tag on each jar of her spices. When she clicks on tarragon with her smartphone, it brings recipes that use that spice. It helps her decide what to make for dinner. Event planners particularly like the tags. They hand out gear integrating tags that can be scanned at stations set up around a venue. FACEBOOK.COM/WASSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
The look on the face a young student athlete, who has worked extremely to get to this point, says it all. It’s not about money. It’s not about free agency. The Pageantry Surrounding College Football is Completely Unique There is no way to describe the entire campus environment that happens on a game day. To understand it, you have to be a part of it. Rich Winning Tradition They all have had down years and even down eras, but, overall, they are winning programs. They win championships, bowls, and league championships. Being Part of Something Bigger Than Yourself We all stand up in synchronization because it’s amazing to see what tens of thousands of people can create when they work together. They create something bigger than themselves. Recruiting, Spring Practice, Regular Season, and Postseason Means Football Year-round Before the explosion of the Internet and web sites dedicated to recruiting and following specific college football programs, college football fans had to wait until the preseason special magazines would come out to feed our starving appetite for college football. Now we have sites like Rivals.com, Scout.com, and thousands of sites focused on our specific football program. This gives fanatics a never-ending fix for college ball. So get out and support your Alma Mater at your favorite local watering hole this season…GAME ON! 773.288-9400
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TAT T L E TA L E S
California Dreaming In the aftermath of the disappearance of his girlfriend, Dawn, Andrew flew to California to visit his brother, Jason, a divorced exterminator, and was frequently alone because Jason took on side jobs ridding L.A. of bed bugs. Jason graciously let Andrew drive his red Alfa Romeo Spider to a baseball game. The car was slightly bigger than an erection, and littered with tickets Jason had received for driving in the carpool lane.
By Rob Christiansen
Each attendee had driven his own red Spider to Dodger Stadium. Andrew wasn’t surprised, seeing as how every car parked on the roof of Jason’s building had been a red Spider. Andrew followed a bunch of red Spiders spilling out onto the freeway after seven innings with the Dodgers trailing the Reds 5-4. He stopped for a beer and sat beside a well-groomed man who said his name was Charles, a movie director, who had also left the game early. Although Charles said that he was born and raised in Cincinnati, he wasn’t a Reds fan. He said that he was scheduled to see his psychiatrist in a $47.95 motel room across the street for an hour before going home to his depressed girlfriend. Charles laughed, and Andrew thought it was some kind of sick joke. Charles excused himself because he said he had to clip his toenails. One afternoon three months later, Andrew was standing outside Bernie’s and recognized Charles at RockIt Grill located at 3700 N. Clark. The Hollywood movie director was seated at a sidewalk table having a pregame lunch with Dawn, whom Andrew knew wasn’t anyone’s psychiatrist. Dawn was a paralegal. Her employer had told Andrew she’d just up and quit. Andrew played it Hollywood style and, in covert fashion, approached Charles from behind. He put his hands on either side of Charles’s chair and leaned forward to ad lib his opening lines. “You dirty rat,” he said huskily over Charles’s shoulder. “She’s my girl. “And the last time I saw you was on the roof of my building on Memorial Day,” he said casually to Dawn. “We listened to the crowd sing ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame’.” Dawn explained that she met Charles as she walked home that day. He swept her off her feet. Andrew felt crushed, upon hearing this, by his out of control dream where he and Dawn are Olympic skaters in tuxedo and white dress. A cooked sauerbraten simmers in a pan on the island. The floor is an ice rink. Andrew lifts Dawn and pirouettes to give her a virtual tour - like on the Internet. In retrospect, Andrew’s recurring dream was Dawn’s parting shot because she had taught him about “dream” kitchens, and once, in the refrigerator in her small kitchen, she marinated sauerbraten for three days before cooking it for them. Andrew believed that the three-day wait for a shared meal spelled Dawn’s commitment, gladdening his heart. Now it seemed that he was wrong, but he kept up his act. Maybe the ending could be twisted.
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“You’re not from California,” Andrew told Charles. “You don’t root for any team out there. You’re from Cincinnati but you’re not a Reds fan. When you go to a Dodgers game, you leave after seven innings even if they’re playing the Reds.” “It’s the freeway traffic,” Charles said with a wink suggesting that Andrew should honor the male code and not spill the beans to Dawn. “No,” Andrew said. “You leave to keep your psychiatrist appointments and your $47.95 ‘naps’ at dingy motels.” “Andrew, I’m sure they’re upscale motels,” Dawn said, for much needed comic relief. “I'm glad you’re not feeling depressed,” Andrew said sincerely, and faced Charles again. “You drive a red Alfa Romeo Spider unsuitable for hauling a family, but you don’t mind. How many tickets have you gotten in the carpool lane, Charles?” Dawn surprised Andrew by taking hold of his hand beneath the table. Andrew sensed the debut of the upper hand and pitied poor, lost Charles. Look at him. His idea of culture is the Oscars and Grammys and sitting next to Jack Nicholson at a Lakers game. He should be a Chicago White Sox fan since he’s never seen a museum or an art institute. (No offense, Sox fans. It’s just a story.) Glaring at Charles, Andrew now placed him at Sluggers in August. Charles offered his card to impressionable young women and told them he was a mogul. The guy could dance, dammit. Even Ronnie Woo Woo yielded the floor to him. But Ronnie Woo Woo isn’t a name dropper or a liar. “Dawn, you found out Charles isn’t a mogul,” Andrew said. “That added to your depression in California. And I’ll bet you never went to the beach.” “I work hard,” Charles said, not missing the fact that Andrew had accused him of not being a mogul. “The only work you do, Charles, is when you clip your toenails so you won’t cut your psychiatrist’s ankles in bed,” Andrew said. “You enjoy telling people they look marvelous and inviting them to lunch. Maybe you’re the way you are because of the water, which is where California is supposed to sink someday. Dawn, I’ll worry about you in the land of earthquakes, wildfires, passionless baseball fans and ‘Governator’ ‘Ahhnuld’.” “Schwarzenegger hasn’t been governor in years,” Charles said. Andrew was steamed at Charles for correcting him in front of Dawn, and feared his upper hand would slip away. Dawn clandestinely clenched the other and absolutely beamed at Andrew. He’d done it. He’d worked the scene - as a walk on - and made it work. Andrew ordered and ate a hamburger, which Charles paid for out of shame. Andrew and Dawn thanked him for lunch. To ensure that there could be no sequel, Andrew gave Charles until sundown to get out of town, and the reunited couple walked serendipitously, hand in hand, to the Cubs game.
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Man’s Best Friend A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive", she said.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?" "$50.00 for a Frog??" asked the woman. The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It can clean your house." Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy cleaning the house, so, she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, her husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to clean the house again. About two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks. "What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman. The husband looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is out of here!" FACEBOOK.COM/WASSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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Men on Mars It's 2022 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. The first thing they see is a Martian couple. Mike and Maureen naturally want to know how they have sex. She goes straight to the point: "So how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Like you do, I think," says the male Martian, "but maybe we'd better check it out to be sure!" So, after some discussion, they all agree to swap partners for one night. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a tiny penis about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen, disappointed beyond belief. The male Martian looks puzzled. "Why not?” he asks. “What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to go inside me!" "No problem," he says, and starts to slap his forehead with his hand. With each slap, his penis grows longer and longer. "Well," she says, "that's very impressive, but it's still quite narrow." "No problem," says the male Martian, and he starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his penis grows wider and wider until it's huge! "Wow!" shouts Maureen, before they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love. Next day the two couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike says to Maureen, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," replies Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," says Mike, "all I got was a terrible headache. She just kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
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LIVE MUSIC
The Color Moral Band: The Color Moral
For fans of: The Word Alive, Gwen Stacey, and My Ticket Home. Upcoming shows: September 12, 2012 at The Castle Theater, Bloomington, IL. Doors at 7pm, $20. With August Burns Red, Of Mice and Men, and The Overseer. If touring with some of the biggest bands in hardcore music isn’t enough excitement and success for The Color Morale, then what is? Try going on another tour with even more prominent bands in the scene. Back in March they appeared on the Fire and Ice Tour featuring We Came As Romans, Blessthefall, Emmure, and Woe Is Me. Now, beginning September 1st (although the first date is August 31st in Silver Spring, Maryland) they will be heading out on an all North American fall tour with August Burns Red and Of Mice & Men. The Color Morale roughly began in 2008. Despite their playing under a different name for the first half of their career, switching out a few members and starting over; they have certainly come a long way from being just another local band from Rockford. Now with a steady line up including Garret Rapp on vocals, Devin King and Justin Hieser on guitars, Ryan Pulice on bass, and Steve Carey on drums, nothing seems to be stopping them. Currently signed to Rise Records, the boys have already begun recording their third full-length album titled Know Hope, which will be released sometime next spring. Compared to their last two albums, Know Hope will be exceptionally diverse and throw their fans some curve balls, different production quality using all real drums and guitars, and no auto tune vocals to any degree. To put it simply, this record will be very authentic. As for any band, their fan base is the most important element to their success. To The Color Morale it’s everything and they couldn’t be more appreciative. “It feels very cool to hear a room singing your lyrics, especially when you feel that your fans are singing them because they really feel the music and the lyrics. It’s cool to see people believe in what you do to the point where you can see it in their eyes when they’re singing,” explains Garret.
For more information on The Color Morale then check them out on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/thecolormorale) or follow them on Twitter (https://twitter.com/thecolormorale).
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Pregnant Woman Dodges 3 Bullets
A pregnant woman is in the bank when the bank is robbed. A gunfight breaks out, and she is shot 3 times in the abdomen. She is rushed to the hospital. Miraculously, she is unharmed. After giving a full examination, though, the doctor tells her, "I have good and bad news for you. You are going to have triplets, but each baby has a bullet in it. Luckily, they have hit no vital organs, and eventually your children will pass the bullets naturally." The woman has 3 healthy babies. Twelve years pass, and she has all but forgotten the incident in the bank. One day, the first child, a daughter, comes to her mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened. I was using the toilet, and I passed a bullet." The mother explains everything, and she assures her daughter that everything is okay. A few weeks later, the second child, also a daughter comes to her mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened." The mother interrupts her and says, "You passed a bullet, right?" The mother goes on to tell the daughter the story. Several weeks later, the third child, a son, comes to his mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened." The mother interrupts him and says, "You passed a bullet, right?" The son says, "No, Mom. I was masturbating and shot the dog!"
SEPTEMBER HOROSCOPE ARIES: It's your month to move forward, so reach out and grab the opportunities. Distance yourself from the crowd when you need to draw conclusions. TAURUS: Beginning with September, the last months of 2012 will be a time of hits and misses. Fear not; you have a good plan. Sail over the hurdles and stay with it.
LIBRA: Labor Day and what seems to be the end of summer could be bothering you. Put uncertainty aside and have a relaxing four-day break. Your energy will return! SCORPIO: Life is full of big decisions and small ones. It makes you feel like thinking twice before choosing a snack or a partner, which is actually a pretty good idea.
GEMINI: Never mind what the world says, go ahead and enjoy the offbeat things you like, whether they are trains or pickles. Ask a friend for advice, and then do the opposite.
SAGITTARIUS: Your energy is high now, so utilize it to complete a project or start a new one. Let go of any tensions that hold you back. Forget the past and live in the now.
CANCER: Partners and spouses are entering a period of great collaboration. Projects done together will be satisfying and successful. Get on with what you need to plan.
CAPRICORN: After the work stresses of the last month or two, circumstances are changing for the better. Away from work, remember this: Love will be yours if you open your heart.
LEO: When co-workers seem to be a little testy, give them a break. Be kind and ignore it if you can. You don't know what situations are causing them stress.
AQUARIUS: It's not too late to reevaluate your decision. You might think that rushing into something will cause you to regret it later. Evaluate it in the light of what you want your life to be in two years or five.
VIRGO: Fate will offer you a certain amount of protection, but even so, be prepared for a significant transformation this month. It could be at work, at home or in a relationship. Tackle related problems head on.
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PISCES: You will be highly intuitive, especially at mid month. If answers to problems just seem to come to you, don't ignore them. Sometimes the subconscious mind knows the right steps to take. CHECK OUT OUR NEW WEBSITE @ WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM
Little Frank’s Pizzeria OR NF OPE NCH LU
6355 W. 79th St Burbank
(708) 598-8660
Fast Delivery or Pick-Up Friday & Saturday 11am - 1:30am
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Order By Fax: (708) 598-2158 Hours: Sun thru Thurs 11am - Mid
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$1 Bud Bottles, $2 UV Bombs $1.50 All Pints $2 Bacardi Mixers $1 Miller and Old Style Bottles $2.50 Import Bottles & .25 Cent Wings $2 Smirnoff Mixers featuring Bloody Mary’s + $1.50 All Pints $10 Domestic Buckets, $2 Smirnoff Bloody Mary’s + .75 Cent Schnapps
$1.50 EVERYDAY BEER $1.50 CANS OLD STYLE, SPECIALS BUSCH & BUSCH LIGHT MONDAY, TUESDAY, THURSDAY Slushies Are Back!!! & Trivia Night: Thursday Sept 13, Thursday Sept 27 @ 8pm SATURDAY
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Great Australian Drover
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Drover stops into a convenient store and asks, "Give me three packets of condoms, please." The cashier responds, "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" "Nah…She ain't that ugly."
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