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TABLE OF CONTENTS
OUR ST A FF keith romack publisher
7 all mixed up 8 news and stuff
Lisa romack Sales Director
10 OUT AND ABOUT PHOTOS 11 things to do in march x
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JUNE 2012 BEER GARDENS WHAT’S UP THIS MONTH
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Robert Christiansen Column Writer
12 ASK THE WINO 13 HOROSCOPE 14 Featured bartenders
diane serbentas photographer
15 BARTENDER OF THE MONTH 22 are you smarter than chester
ted phillips photographer
24 la las love letters Check us out online - Read the magazine, Photos & More... www.whatsupxtra.com
Front page photo taken at ZANTE LOUNGE ORLAND PARK The name What’s Up Xtra Magazine is a registered trade name, and use of this name is strictly prohibited. The contents of this publication are copyrighted What’s Up Xtra Chicago Magazine -2014 We encourage our readers to write their stories, send photos, and make comments. All submissions sent to us by phone, email, fax, or handwritten become the property of What’s Up Xtra Chicago Magazine.
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25 Sudoku and crossword puzzle 26 live music corner 28 tales from the chris 30 OUT NAD ABOUT PHOTOS CHECK OUT
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Joliet Dave Contributing writer lauren strec contributing writer
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Minding Yours and My Business I was in the public toilets and had just sat down. A voice from the next cubicle said, “Hi, how are you?” Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”. The voice said “So what are you up to?”. I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!” From next door, “Can I come over?” Annoyed, I said, "rather busy right now”. The voice said, “Listen, I will have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door answering all my questions."
Nothing can stop the person with the right mental attitude from achieving a goal; nothing on earth can help the one with the wrong mental attitude. Thomas Jefferson
A Short Fairy Tale Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl “Will you marry me?” The girl said, “NO!” And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank.
The End FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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ALL MIXED UP Mardi Gras in 2014 is on Tuesday, the 4th of March. Special drinks for Mardi Gras & One for St. Patrick’s Day. If you are going to New Orleans for Mardi Gras or wish to celebrate your own fat Tuesday, try these famous drinks made in the French Quarter.
The Bacchanlian Some say that this drink should not be missed. How to: Choose a wine glass for this delight. Combine 1.75 ounce of Cognac, .75 ounce of Merlot, half an ounce of lemon juice and half an ounce of agave nectar. Shake and strain over ice.
Absinthe Suissesse How to: Combine and shake 1 small egg white and .75 ounce of simple syrup with no ice. Add 1.5 ounces of Vieux Pontarlier Absinthe and 1 ounce of heavy cream. Fill shaker with ice. Shake 60 seconds and strain to a cocktail glass. Pour créme de menthe on top. Let it float.
Ring of Kerry How to: Shake 1 ½ oz. Irish whiskey, 1 oz. Irish Cream and 1 oz. coffee liqueur in a cocktail shaker filled with ice. Strain into a martini glass and garnish with chocolate shavings.
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News & Stuff
Football Fans Save $100 And Watch On The Couch T O N LD SO UT O
The National Football League thought their playoff games would be a sellout at the box office. They were wrong. Fewer people wanted to attend the games, for which tickets were $100 or more. They decided to hop onto their couches and see the games on TV. The league has never been more popular on television. Their ratings soared. Three teams hosting the games asked for extensions to sell more tickets so the games wouldn't be blacked out. The Indianapolis Colts, Green Bay Packers and Cincinnati Bengals needed large corporate assistance for sellouts.
Meijer, Inc., the grocery store chain based in Grand Rapids, Mich., bought 1,200 Colts tickets, which were distributed to military families.
The Inflatable Bike Helmet
States Bump Up Hourly Wages In January 2014, the minimum wage rose in 13 states. As many as 11 other states, plus Washington, D.C., are expected to consider increases this year, according to the National Employment Law Project. The NELP predicts that by the end of 2014, more than half of American states will have minimum pay set higher than the present federal level of $7.25 an hour. President Obama has said he supports legislation in Congress to lift the federal minimum wage to $10.10 an hour in three steps over two years. Proponents say the wage increases will be a boost for the economy. Opponents say higher minimum wages actually kill jobs and encourage mechanization. According to a UC Berkley study, 80 percent of fast food workers do not live at the poverty line. The average wage of a fast food worker is $8.69 an hour.
Don't Get Paranoid, But You Are Being Watched
The bike helmet is getting a makeover from a tech company in Sweden. Instead of being a hard shell, it's an inflatable air bag collar for adults who are reluctant to wear a hard helmet. The Hovding's sensors are powered by lithium-ion polymer batteries. Its technology is similar to that found in automobile air bags. The scarf, which only partially circles the neck, uses electronics to respond to a crisis situation. It instantly inflates into a helmet that covers the head and neck but not the face of the rider. At a retail price of $546, however, the scarf costs more than most bikes. Before
After (upon collision)
If you use a cellphone, you are broadcasting your presence and not just with calls and texts. Cellphones continuously tell your location to whoever is listening. And people are listening. Private companies are listening and tracking cellphone location data to find out the preferences and activities of their customers. A cafe owner knows what coffees are popular. What else could he or she offer to customers that they might want? If the cafe owner knows 80 percent of customers go to a gym, maybe a gym shirt with the cafe logo might sell. New location companies are starting up to provide the cafe owner, or anyone who will to pay, exactly this type of information and it’s legal. According to the Wall Street Journal, companies in the US do not have to get consent before collecting and sharing location data. Companies in the location tracking business say privacy concerns are overstated since tracking is not personal and not invasive.
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Female Fronted Current & Classic Country
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Texas Sex Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
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March 2014 Events 12th Annual Chicago Polar Plunge and Melt Down Party Sunday March 2 - The Chicago Polar Plunge is the largest fundraiser benefiting Special Children's Charities and the Special Olympics Chicago programs. Event is from 9 a.m. - 2 p.m., North Avenue Beach, 1603 N. Lakeshore Drive Fat Tuesday Mardi Gra Tuesday March 4th St. Patrick's Day Parade Downtown - Sat March 15 -The festivities kickoff at 10 a.m. when the Chicago River is dyed green, and the parade officially begins at 12 p.m. The parade starts at Balbo and Columbus. Northwest Side Irish Parade - Sunday March 16 Assembly 10:00 am - Kick - Off 12:00 pm William J. Onahan School 6634 W. Raven St. The Northwest Irish Parade is a celebration of faith, family, and heritage on the Northwest side of Chicago. Flower And Garden Show - March 15 - 23, 2014 Chicago Flower & Garden Show features 20 gardens, 100 vendors, cooking demonstrations, seminars, and a kids’ activity garden at Navy Pier. FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
St. Patrick’s Southside Parade - Sunday March 16 South Side Irish Parade is on Western Avenue and goes south from 103rd to 115th St. Free. Tattoo Convention March 21 - 23, 2014 Chicago Tattoo Arts Convention features live tattooing, sideshows, and entertainment at the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Rosemont. Cost. Beer Festival - March 22, 2014 The Chicago Beer Festival features unlimited tastings in the afternoon or evening, with food sold separately, in Union Station. Repeats in Oct. Cost. Shamrock 8K Race - March 30, 2014 The Shamrock Shuffle on Sunday is billed as the world’s largest timed 8K race. It starts and ends in Grant Park and includes a post-race party. The free Shamrock Shuffle Health and Fitness Expo is 3/28 Friday and 3/29 Saturday at Navy Pier. Greek Parade March 30, 2014 (2:30 p.m.) The annual Greek Independence Day Parade begins at N Halsted St. & Randolph. Free.
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Making Money Money on the Side A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a strip club. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?". The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the strip club and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later the strip club door gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!" The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE". The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".
The question for you to settle is not what you would do if you had means, time, influence and educational advantages; the question is what you will do with the things you have. The moment people cease to dream and bemoan their lack of opportunities, and resolutely look their conditions in the face and resolve to change them, they lay the corner-stone of a solid and honorable success. Hamilton Wright Mabie, newspaper editor and essayist
ASK THE WINO...
How To Supplement Your Income WINO: Jack Remboldt Drink of Choice: Boone’s Farm: Strawberry Hill Likes: Romantic walks in the park with Marge The Barge Dislikes: the bars breaking up the stretch out on park benches
Jess, a teacher asks: I heard some people work at animal shelters in their spare time to make extra money. Do you know of any good programs?
WINO: “Well, dip me in shit! Petey Gilmore, a buddy of mine, works the cockfights in Calumet City, and I ain’t talkin’ about the ones with chickens. It sure ain’t pretty, but it pays for his dialysis.” Adam, a systems analyst asks: I know it sounds crazy, but a lot of my friends made decent money selling pot in college and none of them ever got caught. Is it worth the risk? WINO: “Hell NO! I got pinched by the cops last week for nickel-baggin’ at the Marathon Station. I tried hiding the stash in my turd-cutter, but it felt like I was tryin’ to cram a cat into a toilet. No way, no how!” Josh, a recruiter asks: I’m afraid my Grandmother’s pension may not be enough to cover her bills. Is there anything she can do to help make ends meet? WINO: “Man! You gotta talk to Marge “The Barge”. You know...that old broad with halitosis that lives on Water Street? Wooo!!! If you got the nut sack for it, that gal will hump the dump out of you for an RC Cola and a Beef ‘n Cheddar! If I’m lying, I’m dying!”
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MARCH HOROSCOPE ARIES: Momentum on the career front is sometimes optimized by improvements in your personal life. Try to keep personal relationships on the upswing or an even keel. TAURUS: You are adapting to change even though it's not your favorite activity. Co-workers trust you and follow your lead, so handle change with a positive tone. GEMINI: When you have almost resigned yourself to a hard-working, few-rewards fate, a new opportunity comes your way. Take it, be spontaneous and you'll do well. CANCER: It can be difficult to imagine anyone's way being better than your own. Keep an open mind. Whether it's a company plan or your boss's it could be better. LEO: You are praised for your talents, but it's the satisfaction you get from doing your personal best that brings selfconfidence. Praise is a sign of better things to come. VIRGO: There's no question about it, fitness makes you more attractive. But there are still some health issues you need to address. Don't put it off.
LIBRA: Something you've been working toward will take place soon. It may bring a mix of emotions: excitement and trepidation, awe and fear, which are all valid responses. SCORPIO: Finding the right partner is important, but not as important as being the right partner. Always assume that your loved ones are doing their best right now. SAGITTARIUS: It's tough to do a project with someone who's unreliable, but it does give you a chance to shine. CAPRICORN: Your internal weather is gorgeous. When you're super busy at work, part of you is sailing a ship across a glassy sea. Taking a mental break is good for you. AQUARIUS: Your sensitivity keys you to how co-workers are feeling before they know it themselves. The talent brings an understanding of emotional office undercurrents. PISCES: This pull you have toward something or someone new is actually a sign of personal growth. Your focus is different from what it was a month ago, and that's OK.
Getting The Green Light
Watch at your favorite local watering holes.
Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Frank’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. Frank’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. “Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?” “Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, ‘Guess who?’” I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, “Do whatever you want.” So, here I am.
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who’s your favorite bartender?
WIN MOS S P T VO TO ART TES Y 24 FR FOR IEN U DS P
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Deanna The Crossing
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Jessica Marty’s Place RICHARD 2357WILD PlainfiHARE eld Crest Hill
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Tiffney Sam Buca’s TONY 12231 S Harlem Palos Heights EL JARDIN
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Angel The Grove
6030 W 111th St Chicago Ridge Rules: All service employees are eligible to win. The service employee who receives the most votes in the month wins. You can submit your vote by texting (773) 213.4597 or go to facebook.com/whatsupxtramagazine “like” our page and vote by hitting “like” on the bartender’s photo .
Only two votes are counted per person and voting polls close on March 20th. *The Pub Crawl will begin at the employee of the months bar and the limo bus will accommodate 24 passengers. Gratuity not included and must be paid prior to service.
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Laws of Illinois and Chicago Buzkashi with Obvious Thoughts
A Sport Unlikely To Make It In Chicago
By Bob “The Law man” Robbins
Illinois Laws It is against the law to have sex with a corpse in Illinois. Obvious thought: We need a law to tell us? and for you freaks its also illegal to drag a corpse into Indiana and have your way with it. Those under 21 can drink legally, but they must be enrolled in a culinary program to do so Obvious thought: I’m in high school and I’d really like to be a chef, not a short order cook or line cook but a Chef that needs 4 years of Culinary studies starting my freshman year and a couple years beyond high school. Thank you It is illegal to hang “obstructions” from the rear view mirror, including fuzzy dice, air fresheners, GPS units, etc. Obvious thought: Where will I store my size 12 Nike’s? You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person. Obvious thought: Shiiiiit, I wish I would have known that in college, couple of my buds wouldn’t have had a chance.
Also known as headless goat grabbing Culture: Turkic Developed by the Turkic people sometime between the 10th and 15th centuries, the sport of Buzkashi is still played to this day, predominately by the descendants of its inventors. The national sport of Afghanistan, it involves two teams, riding on horseback, whose goal is to drag a headless goat carcass across the field and drop it inside a predetermined area, usually a circle. Occasionally, a sheep or calf is used instead of a goat. Banned under the Taliban’s rule, Buzkashi is a violent sport, with the riders equipped with whips with which to beat the other riders’ horses. They’re not supposed to use their whips on the riders themselves, but that rule is often disregarded. Often, the social status derived from owning the horses of the winning team is enough to cover the costs associated with maintaining the health of the animals between matches. The origins of this violent sport are lost in time, but the story goes that Genghis Khan and his Mongols would steal livestock from the Turkic people, who would brave death to snatch it back from them on horseback. Although it is not banned in Chicago it would be frowned upon.
Champaign Illinois Law One may not pee in his neighbor’s mouth. Obvious thought: You guys down at U of I sure know how to party. Also, this should be a state wide law.
Chicago Laws Kites may not be flown within the city limits. Obvious thought: Let’s throw caution to the wind and see what happens.
Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy. Dale Carnegie, 1936 author of How to Win Friends and Influence People
In the Pullman area, it is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb. Obvious thought: I guess I’ll have to switch to wine out of a box. It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits. Obvious thought: The hell you say, I was wondering why my high school history teacher was pushing me to go get the permits. Next time he comes to watch me dance I’m going to give him a piece of my mind. Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire. Obvious thought: Are bar snacks sitting in front of you considered eating It is illegal to give a dog whiskey. Obvious thought: What about a squirrel It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe’s neck. Obvious thought: Those sons of bitches at Lincoln Park Zoo just won’t let it go. For the last time I’m sorry. FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
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The Lighter Side Out of Gas
Are You Smarter Than CHESTER “The Sock Monkey”?
A nun was on her way to the Catholic charity hospital where she worked when her car ran out of gas. She was only a block from a gas station, so she walked there.
1) St. Patrick’s Day is celebrated to commemorate which of the following events? a) It’s the day St Patrick was born b) It’s the day St Patrick drove snakes out of Ireland c) It’s the day St Patrick died
She asked the attendant for a quart of gasoline. But the attendant said he just loaned out his only gas can.
2) Which one of the following is the day St Patrick died? a) March 17, BC 461 b) March 17, AD 461 c) March 17, AD 100
She said that she would look in her car to find something to hold the gas. The only suitable container she found was a bedpan, which looked like it could hold a quart of gas.
3) Where was St. Patrick born? a) Iceland b) Ireland c) Britain
The attendant filled it with gas. The nun got back to her car and started pouring the gas into her car.
5) In Ireland, what does the color green stand for? a) Spring b) Countryside c) Hope
As she was pouring it in, two men walked by. One of them said to the other, "If that car starts, I'm converting to Catholicism forever!"
6) What was St.Patrick’s name at birth? a) Patrick O’Malley b) Maewyn Succat c) Adam Danan
4) Where does Blarney Stone come from? a) a castle b) a hilltop c) a cave
7) What is cured by kissing The Blarney Stone? a) Shyness b) Lovesickness c) Bad Luck 8) What does “Erin Go Braugh”mean? a) Ireland forever b) Happy St Patricks Day c) Good Luck
Just Ask Me On a flight to Florida, an educational psychologist was working on his class notes. An elderly woman sitting next to him started chatting and explained that she was returning home after spending two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and 10 great grandchildren. "Oh, that's interesting," the psychologist said. "I just received my PhD in child development."
9) What happens if you don’t wear green on St. Patrick’s Day? a) You get to pinch someone b) you get pinched c) you get to slap someone 10) Which one is regarded as the most famous of all churches dedicated to St. Patrick? a) St Patrick Abbey Belfast b) St Patrick Church Limerick c) St Patrick Cathedral, Dublin
The old lady sighed, leaned back in her seat and said: "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
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La La’s Love Letters Dear LaLa, My partner often gets annoyed because he misinterprets a lot of things I say and tells me that I have to think before I speak, but I find it hard as I don't believe I am saying anything wrong because he has misunderstood. By Lauren Strec What would you recommend in working through our misunderstandings? Working On It Mary
Dear Mary, If this keeps happening over and over, you may have to ask yourself if you really are expressing yourself in a confusing way. Without an example of your situation, the best advice I can state is the same thing that he has said. You may have to change your choice of words to be heard accurately, and thus: “think before you speak.” Explain your position to him, and point out that this is a repeated occurrence. Ask him to be a little more patient before jumping to conclusions. Dear LaLa, My girlfriend and I are constantly bickering back and forth mainly because we fail to communicate
our feelings or thoughts on a lot of different subjects. My question is how can we communicate our needs without it becoming a battle over right and wrong? Bickering Bob Dear Bob, It’s great that you recognize the communication void, and want to find a way to build on that. Communication does not necessarily have to be a face-to-face, verbal exchange. First, lay it out on the table that there is no “right and wrong.” Establish that you both need to accept each other’s weaknesses, improve upon your own faults, and work towards getting on the same page. Next, choose a topic that triggers a disagreement. Then, write each other a letter that reveals your perspective and feelings on the subject. After you have exchanged letters and read each other’s views, write a response letter that suggests improvements you both can execute. And finally, bang each other. Lauren is a spokesmodel for tv, radio, live events, blogging and social media. Connect at Facebook. com/LaurenStrec for tidbits, news and fun photos
5 DEADLY TERMS USED BY A WOMAN
4 WAYS TO TELL YOUR’RE GROWN UP
1. FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is right and you need to shut - up.
1. Your houseplants are alive and you can’t smoke any of them.
2. NOTHING: Means something & you need to be worried.
2. You keep more food than beer in the fridge
3. GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission, do not do it.
3. You go to the drugstore for aspirins and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
4. WHATEVER: A woman’s way of saying your screwed
4. “I just can’t drink the way I use to” replaces “I am never going to drink again.”
5. THAT’S OK: She is thinking long and hard on how and when you will pay for your mistake. BONUS WORD: WOW!: This is not a compliment. She’s amazed that one person could be so stupid.
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BONUS: You read this entire list looking desperately for the one sign that doesn’t apply to you, and you can’t find one to save your sorry old ass!
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WORD SEARCH
Alaska Home
WORDOKU To solve a Sudoku or Wordoku, you only need logic and patience. Simply make sure that each 3x3 square region has one letter in the word SHIPBOARD with only one occurence of each letter. Each column and row of the large grid must have only instance of a letter in SHIPBOARD.
ALASKA ANCHORAGE BIG SU BOONIES BOOTIES BUSER BUTCHER CHECKPOINT GEE HAW
HEET HUSKY KING LEAD DOG MACKEY MALMUTE MUSHER NOME OVERFLOW PACING
RED LANTERN RIGGING RUNNERS SEAVEY SLATS SLED DOG SNOW HOOK SWENSON TRAIL WHOA
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live music corner
DARYL THOMAS HAYES by: Joliet Dave
If you are on Facebook and in any way connected to the local Chicago band scene, then the name Daryl Thomas Hayes is more than likely very familiar to you. For years a staple on the circuit as a member of several wellknown bands as either a drummer or a vocalist (or both), Hayes currently serves as the lead vocalist for the 80’s band “Rockus”. Equally well known however is his tireless campaign to promote local music. Along with others like Christine Bell of Hollywoods Promotions, Starr Lee Williams of Bar Bands, Tony Amaro of Musicians Night Out, the folks at Illinois Bands and a few others who have opened up their pages for bands and musicians to post, Daryl is hoping to create an environment where bands, musicians and venues work to help each other. As creator of the Facebook page “Let’s Rock Together”, Daryl Hayes feverishly shares show events, original music posts, band announcements and endlessly comments (with a thousand exclamation points peppered throughout) and hits the “like” button as a madman would in order to keep these posts alive in the news feed. He is very much like a hyper active cheerleader, posting positive comments about bands, musicians, venues, booking agents and anything else connected with local music. Most refreshing of all is that you will never see a negative post typed by his hand. Daryl Hayes is all about keeping a positive and uplifting spin on everything. Daryl began his career as a drummer at the young age of seven when his mother Emma wanted him to become more interested in music and less in custom cars like his brother. With the encouragement of both parents, Daryl finally took his place on the drum stool at the age of fifteen with a country band. While there he learned to play drums and sing simultaneously before taking his talents into rock music. By the mid 1990’s, Daryl had switched to the frontman position where he remains today with “Rockus”. With a playlist populated by such bands as The Scorpions, AC/DC, Judas Priest, Whitesnake and others, Rockus is a virtual tour of the great hard rocking units of the 80’s. With his outrageously wide vocal range and ability to hit notes so high only dogs can hear, Daryl and Rockus are a non-stop freight train of good times and good music. Featuring lead guitarist Andy Carr, bassist Brian Nichols and drummer Frank Fanelli, Rockus is slowly getting more recognition; more shows under their collective belt and of course, more fans. Not content to sit on his laurels, Daryl not only performs live and promotes local music from his computer, but also makes an effort to go the clubs to catch other bands, often being asked up on stage to perform as well. He is in reality, a walking, talking business card for “Rockus”, more often than not drawing in fans for the band whenever he sits in with another local favorite, whether it be “Train Wreck”; “Chasing Amy”; Platinum”; “Poison’d Crue” or a host of others. While his approach may seems a bit over the top to some, Daryl Hayes is a much appreciated asset to local music as an outstanding performer, a tenacious supporter of local music and in general, a fine human being and a good guy. Catch Daryl Hayes and Rockus live Saturday March 22nd at Cairo Bar, 2009 Franciscan Way in West Chicago as special guest of “Betty Bleu” and along with “Haf Bitten Moon” starting at 9:00 PM.
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TA L E S F R O M T H E C H R I S
How I Met Your Mother By Rob Christiansen
I had taken two trains in dreary weather to get to Midway Airport and made it past the initial security checkpoint by the skin of my teeth when I decided to call it a year. Thirteen is supposed to be unlucky anyway. It was December 20. I imagined I was traveling with this one. Standing ahead of me in the express security check-in line, she wore something red inside her black jacket. Moments later she was right behind me. She stooped low, conquering me, and removed her boots and put them on the belt. She held the jacket. She wore a red, frilly, blouse. “Can I stow my pistol in your black bra?” I pondered asking her in a light hearted fashion. Instead, “Do I have to take off my sneakers?” I asked. “No,” she said. “I have to take my boots off because they have buckles.” A woman sat in a vast food court resembling a desert. The rest of the food court was deserted. I traded in my ticket and flew with her. Actually, I kept walking towards Gate A15. A woman took a seat across from me in Gate A15 waiting area. She wore gray slacks and a green sweater-shirt with sleeves like angel’s wings. She typed a note about the guy typing in his phone. She put away her phone and indulged in the original distraction, people-watching. “I’m C15,” I said. “I’m lucky I remembered to check in.” She laughed because it was appropriate even though the remark wasn’t funny. A woman sat down beside me in the waiting area. Another “slacker,” she wore blue slacks. Nobody wears a dress, not even Dennis Rodman. She reached in her carryall and removed an iBook. She and Greensleeves crossed their legs, like Rockettes. She doodled like Picasso in her iBook. Maybe it was less an “iBook” and more of an “Etch-A-Sketch.” I wanted to ask her, but she was in the midst of her blue period. Don’t bother an artist in her blue period. A small percent of my vacation was spent looking for my mother’s sunglasses that were supposed to stay in the Honda Odyssey. Luckily, that’s where they were, whenever they weren’t on the shelf above the microwave. “That bag goes back in the Odyssey,” my mother said. I had initially brought the shopping bag from the house into the Odyssey before we struck out for AAA, Bed, Bath & Beyond, Bell’s, Big Lots, CVS, The Dollar Store, Publix, Target, Walgreens, a liquor store next to Walgreens and Wendy’s. Smaller subsets of this itinerary, oft followed, lent my vacation a theme. The items in said bag were too good for “recycle” and had been intended for the community flea market. I was caught up in the hubbub at the flea market, socializing with those helping to set
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it up, and I had forgotten about the bag. My mother secretly told me that an $8 eight-cup Brita water filter at the flea market was overpriced. Nothing there was time-sensitive, but all of it was timeless, like an Easter bunny mail basket/napkin holder for $.50. A pull-through parking space at Publix was my first. Taking the time to back in to spaces in Florida parking lots is greatly preferred to pulling in. It’s simply too uplifting to pull right out when you leave. Pull-throughs make Floridians feel like they won lottery tickets. I completed pull-throughs unconsciously in the sense a hot hitter makes hits unconsciously. As I nosed into a parking space at Big Lots, the vehicle in the companion space directly ahead pulled out. I completed the pull-through in a sweeping motion, the wheel in my hands feeling like a 32-oz. bat on the sweet spot of which I smacked a home run (not at Holman Stadium, though; the Dodgers left Vero Beach for AZ five years ago). I was abruptly denied a pull-through at Target, however, when I crashed head-on into a moving car whose driver had also envisioned a pull-through. Sometimes, dreams died hard. I considered buying a tennis ball launcher at Bed, Bath & Beyond on impulse. I bought a six-pack of an India Pale Ale with a crazy name for my sister and her husband vacationing in Naples with their kids. Mary of AAA said she was a military brat from Fort Meade, MD. I made accommodations for my parents at a Hampton Inn in Naples, by the Gulf of Mexico. I then drove Mary to Maryland and met her parents. No, I’d be going to Naples, too. Back at the ranch, I cleaned the ceiling in the laundry shed, restoring it to Unremembered White. The washer & dryer supported me even though the washer & dryer made the soot. That’s like a Russian tree coming to a Canadian skier’s aid on the mountain. I saw the irony but “scrubbed like I was blind,” like my father always recommended when I washed the car. Jane, our Houlihan’s waiter, wore “Lodi” on her tag because this Houlihan’s already employs two waiters named Jane. Lodi was her surname, and she said that if she ever had a baby someday she would name her baby Lodi. I ventured off for souvenir matches and propositioned Lodi. Using a holiday lyric for cover, I offered to “do the job when you’re in town.” The remark was totally uncalled for, Lodi said, because we already were in town. I drank my water as a gesture of apology towards Lodi. Don’t think waiters don’t notice. I drove us all to Naples. One day, I rode a Jet Ski back to shore after having ridden it wildly. Suddenly the Jet Ski was my ship, and it was coming in. I saw my family and Lodi on the beach and I smiled. I had kept my grip on the Jet Ski, and pulled myself through. That’s why your name is Lodi Jetski.
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Little Frank’s Pizzeria OR NF OPE NCH LU
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