How I’m Learning to Be Whole

By Mara Logan

What are we looking to receive when we give a gift? Love? Validation? Reciprocation? The question probably should be, what are we looking to offer someone when we give a gift? However, the reality is more complex than the ideal. Giving a gift is never really just giving a gift—we give presents to mean something. Whether it's buying flowers or making dinner, gifts are ways of demonstrating that we care for other people.

But how much are gifts about the way we’re making the recipient feel, and how much are they about the fulfillment (and distraction) we gain? I love giving gifts, but I am also guilty of giving love and care to others to disguise the love and care I couldn’t give to myself. In the Netflix original Bojack Horseman, one of the main characters is a workaholic pink cat named Princess Caroline. She’s a Type-A control freak who’s great at her job—which, as an agent, is caring for others—but also totally dependent on it as the source of her fulfillment.

When we first meet Princess Caroline, she appears to be happy: She’s successful, polished, and energetic, if a bit stressed. But as the seasons progress, we see just how toxic Princess Caroline’s habits can be, both for herself and the others around her. At one point, PC explains her patterns with a simple, but haunting, “Because when my life’s a mess, I compulsively take care of other people.”

How many of us, especially women, resonate with this? We are socialized from a young age—by our family, our teachers, our media—to put care for others before care for ourselves. Then, when we do grow up, caring for others can become a coping mechanism so we don’t have to face the care we do not or cannot give to ourselves.

I’m guilty of this to an extreme. For years, I overcommitted myself not only to extracurriculars but to people. Staying busy was a way for me to avoid confronting myself, to the point that when I was forced to pause and spend time alone (thanks, COVID), the floodgates opened. I spent so much of my life focused on and caring for other people so there wasn’t enough for me. I am (or was) Princess Caroline. How many of us are?

Most of the time, this isn’t the fault of the people we’re giving to; they didn't ask us to sacrifice our wellbeing to care for them, and if they care for us, certainly they don’t want that sacrifice. Still, we have to recognize our cycles of harm and set boundaries around friends and family to protect ourselves and prevent our patterns. In the same way much of the care we give to others isn’t about them but our own toxic patterns, neither are the subsequent boundaries we set.

Here are five strategies I use for setting boundaries and breaking patterns.

1Consider who you

time and energy in. As you change and evolve, you will grow out of friendships with people who “preferred you when you were smaller.” On her podcast, Exactly., Florence Given explores the idea of growing as “stepping into ourselves and our power.” She acknowledges the fear associated with change and stepping into ourselves but maintains that the fear we feel isn’t fear of our own power, but of other people’s reactions to that power. Surround yourself with people who support not only who you are right now, but who will encourage and support the person you want to become.

2Don’t commit out loud. If you want to do an act of service for someone, like baking them cookies or writing them a letter, then great, but keep acts of service to yourself before you do them. Once you share your intentions with other people or use others to keep you accountable in a following through, a gesture of kindness can quickly become an obligation. If you have the time and energy in the moment, more power to you, but don’t make commitments your future self can’t keep.

3You always come first. This is the bottom line: No matter what someone else is going through, you have to prioritize your own health and wellbeing. This is a fine line to walk when supporting friends or partners, but it is always true. You can’t fill others’ cups if yours is empty.

4Draw the line and tell others where it is. You have to start by putting yourself first and then by setting firm boundaries. Setting boundaries is an essential part of preserving your health, but it can feel incredibly difficult because of the relationships we have to navigate with other people in order to set said boundaries. Still, it has to happen. Begin by trying to understand where your boundaries are and then work to communicate them to the people in your life so that they can work to respect them.

5Spend more time

yourself. Take time to do things you genuinely enjoy, alone. Walk, sleep, paint, play music, stretch— do the things you’ve always wanted to do but have never had time for. Make the time, and do them alone.

Learn to cherish time with yourself exploring your creativity and pushing your limits.

I’m still far from the person I intend to grow into, even with using these strategies over the past year, but I am spending more time with myself than ever before. I look back to high school or last year or even last semester, and it amazes me that I used to survive the way I did, that I could derive validation—however short-term—from the places I did.

Now I sleep, I create, I cook, I write, I bake, I explore. It is not perfect, and I am not perfect, but now I am intentional about how and where I give my energy, and I am no longer sacrificing my time and energy for people that prefer me when I am not my whole and truest self.