The Toxic Parent

By Angela Jeffreys

"Good-bye, good luck and good riddance."

These are the last words I received from my mother. They were preceded by, “If I had to do it over again, I wouldn’t.” Most people would be devastated to receive these words from a parent. I was relieved.

The relationship between my mother and I became strained when I was a young teenager. It seemed, the day I turned 14, everything changed. Suddenly restrictions were being put on me for no reason; I was not allowed to have a boyfriend and if I did manage to find one, extra limitations were placed. I felt as though I was not being trusted and I could not understand why; I had never done anything to cause this mistrust.

As I got older, the limitations became more severe. When I started high school, I was not allowed to stay at school for lunch. I had to walk 20 minutes home, which gave me only 20 minutes to make and eat something and then walk 20 minutes to back to school. The phone would ring exactly 20 minutes after the school lunch bell rang, to make sure I was home for lunch. If I was a second late, I was in deep trouble.

I attempted to talk to my mother and step father about these rules, but to no avail. There was no budging. I was exceptionally frustrated; so, I ran away. Three times. Each time changes were implemented, however they lasted only a week and old habits made their way back in. I was locked in the proverbial Ivory Tower, at least, that is how I felt. And I still had no explanation.

Then, lo and behold, I discovered why I was kept locked up so tight. I learned my mother made a mistake in her teens and she was trying exceptionally hard to prevent me from making the same mistake. She assumed I would walk the same path as she did, she could not allow me to go my own path and trust I would make different choices.

As I went through my twenties, I learned a lot about myself. Shamanism became a large part of my life and through that, I came to understand why my relationship with my mother was so rough. I had a new perspective! Strangely, this new perspective gave me a sense of freedom. I could now approach my mother with new eyes. This was going to change everything!

Nope. Nada. And it seemed to get worse. I could not understand how or why. And so, I carried on, dealing with guilt trips, criticism over everything I did, always giving into what she wanted. I was an adult on my own now, yet, I was miserable in life.

A couple of years later, I went to England, where my mother was born, to visit my family. This trip was the first visit I made as an adult. I gained a new perspective once again, learning a lot about my mother’s life at home as a child and teenager. I could clearly see how her upbringing affected her as an adult and why she treated me the way she did.

I returned home armed with a new way of seeing and dealing with my mother. They say, if you want to change someone, you must change your perspective of them, not the other way around. I was convinced that now things would be different. Nope. Again, they got worse!

As I carried on with my life, learning different Shamanic and spiritual paths, healing skills, learning more about who I am and my life purpose, I began to stand up for myself, stopped taking the guilt trips, and no longer gave in to what she wanted. I expressed, for the first time ever what I did want and what I did not want. This drove a huge wedge between us. One that, no matter what I tried, got larger and larger. Additionally, my Shamanic path was not embraced and became a huge source of criticism.

One day, it all came to a head. I received an e-mail from my mother; she was firing me as a daughter. She went on a tirade of how ungrateful I was and that if she had to do it all again, she wouldn't. At first, I was very shocked to read this e-mail. After a few minutes, I realized that I was now completely free! The immense relief that came over me was massive. I felt as though the large boulders that were sitting on my shoulders had just rolled off and away. I could breathe, not again, but for the first time ever!

The response of those around me varied. Many were happy for me as they witnessed how suppressed I was by my mother. Others were not so supportive. “What if your mother dies tomorrow?” I was asked once. Hoping I did not sound cold hearted, I responded, “She dies tomorrow.”

I explained to this person that I had done everything within my ability to make things work with her, including counselling to deal with the guilt. I truly did everything I could, and yet, it always seemed to make matters worse. I felt completely resolved within myself; I had done what I could, I had no regrets. In the 15 years since my last communication with my mother, I have had no regrets.

I see too many people suffer, until they hear my story. It IS okay to walk away from toxic family members. We must, to live a happy and healthy life. As my husband puts it, our family are issued to us. Even though they are issued to us, does not mean we are stuck with them. There are a lot more people out there that are able and willing to support us, fill your life with them! Thankfully I have been blessed with other healthy mother figures throughout my life. I do not feel I am missing out on having a mother, how could I? I presently have three!