Po-Boy Views

Old Iron or The Duchess

The Duchess of Lincolnshire is which gave manufacturers the idea for the 24 years old and has seen a lot El Camino and Ranchero, which you could in her few years. Of course, if close in to make a station wagon (another you measured her in human years, she dinosaur). would probably be as old as your new Those were the days of 501s, pomaded president. She is sleek, fast, and cheap hair, and unfiltered cigarettes—before (much like myself); she’s at home in any seatbelts and motorcycle helmets. Dangerous neighborhood and gets waves and whistles days. They were also the days of kids with as she passes by. She can cruise the hood skinned knees and bruises from playing or take to the road like a warrior, she’s games now thought of as lethal. Days of thrifty on gas, her brakes are good, and the playground equipment that could (and did) tires are fair. She’s got 205,000 miles on her, really put a hurt on you: seesaws, monkey and she roars like a tiger when pressed. She’s bars, metal slides that could get really hot got power under the hood and in her spirit. I in the summer, and those little merry-gowouldn’t trade her for a yard full of Jaguars. rounds that you’d have to run and push to get

The Duchess came to us a few years ago started and then hop on quickly before you after the demise of her predecessor, who was were jettisoned. Fun. a few years her senior and had to be put to So, you, now that you’re still hampered by pasture as an organ donor. They both came the plague and have only electronic devices from the same family: the Fords of Detroit. to amuse, tutor, and instruct you, here’s Her predecessor was simply named the something that you can and might find fun to Stinkin’ Lincoln and was do: Call up a person of a retired at 253,000 miles certain age and ask what because (much like myself) it was like when they only the engine ran like a had dial-up phones, played teenager, but the body was board and card games, quickly falling to pieces. jumped rope, threw jacks, Both were/are four-door, and played something power-everything, boat- called “Red Rover, Red like maneuverability, and Rover, let me cross over!” equipped with Mafia trunks Ask what car they had. If that had/have a four-body you want to really start a capacity. conversation, ask what it

I come from a time of cost to fill up the tank. “old iron”: cars that idled It’s a new year and high and traveled well, you’re bored. I’m so sorry. in which families comfortably took on long Why don’t you take a trips. Vehicles with names like Roadmaster, drive to, say, Fairhope and back, throw some Bonneville, and Cougar, the Bel Air, Coupe de drinks in a cooler, pack a blanket, take Old Ville, Fairlane, Camaro, Monte Carlo, Stingray, Highway 90 and slow the heck down, stop at and Impala. They were all made of heavy- Dong Phuong for sandwiches, cruise through gauge metal and had speedometers that read the Rigolets, and stay off the freeways and up to 130+ and were not kidding! interstates. Or drive up to Memphis for some

Well, that was then, and this is now. barbecue and take the Blues Trail (Highway A program called Cash for Clunkers took 61). See some country, crank up the tunes, most of the old iron off the road, and people hang your head out the window, leave your started settling for smaller, more-efficient, cell phones in the trunk, and talk to each cramped, fiberglass and tin midgets that other. Evacuate your mind. Drive to a beach, cannot be distinguished one from the other as bring some egg salad sandwiches or stop at far as I can tell. I swear, sometimes I look at a Waffle House for a stack and a couple of some of these pieces of miniature motorcars over-easies, put your feet in the sand, take and think, “Boy, you get hit in that thing, and the dog. Then come home and use your bike the next thing you’ll be driving is a pine box!” for the next week to assuage your “carbon

Here’s another one of my “in my day” footprint” guilt. stories: In my day, people went out for Every time I get behind the wheel of the “drives.” There were drive-in movies, diner Duchess, I feel like taking a drive, hit the and ice cream pull-up-and-get-served open road, put the pedal to the metal, and destinations, full-service gas stations where driving it like I stole it. And here’s a little they’d check your oil and tires (gratis), and secret: I have a ’97 Lincoln Towncar that runs open roads where you could sit back and like a top and is as comfortable as a sofa. The guide the car with one hand completely mechanic gives it a thumbs up with every relaxed in the driver’s seat, while whoever visit, and you know what? She cost me less to was riding “shotgun” could easily slouch with purchase than six months’ payment on your their feet out the window. Air conditioning new sissy car. was the rolling down of windows and vents; So, this New Year, when you spy the heat was a fan connected to the motor. Cars Duchess rollin’ smooth, easy, and loud, came in primary colors and were long enough resolve to get some old iron in your life to haul lumber. You could make your car into and, like me, live the dream—don’t just a pickup truck by sawing off the back half, dream about living. Happy New Year!