Walnut Hills High School
April 1, 2012
Volume CVI, Issue 7
Underclass tributes to be chosen for first “Younger Games”
JP SCHMITZ/CHATTEROX
Katniss Heines and Peeta Schmitz, Victors A Whimsical Announcement from the SENIOR Class Many of you may remember the brutal underclass rebellions of 2011 which were so swiftly extinguished by the SENIOR class. Those were dark days. The SENIOR class would like to remind all those of academic inferiority of the social structure in our glorious
school -- a structure based upon seniority and experience. No doubt it may be among the aspirations of many of our youthful comrades to vie for the privileges and lifestyle of the seasoned upper class, but they must remember their place. We are not on top, the capitol, so to say, because we do not deserve it. The SENIOR class has worked hard, for six years, to create and maintain the delicate balance in our society; why would anyone want to upset that? The
Republican students remember that ‘It Gets Better’ Tanner Walters, ‘12 Dick Cheney As election season draws near, excitement becomes more visible among the student body. For some, however, this excitement is less positive. “Another election, another month of terror as I walk through the halls,” says junior Megan Kelly (names in this article have been changed for privacy reasons). Why the fear? Kelly is a Republican student. As a Republican at Walnut Hills, she often feels shunned and harassed by students. “I can’t even wear my NObama pin without my locker getting vandalized!” she says. Last month, after making an Obama joke on her Facebook page, she found her locker covered in peace sign stickers. She isn’t the only one feeling the heat. Many upperclassmen can recall the election of 2008, when the administration had to announce over intercom that Republican students should not be ridiculed for their opinions. “It’s gone too far,” says another anonymous Republican student. In response to this hostility, the school administration will be implementing a mandatory antibullying workshop specifically
targeted toward Democrat students who might feel the inclination to bully Republicans. The workshops, similar to those held for the seventh and eighth graders, will bring in guest speakers to focus on positive communication between the two parties. “We’re really emphasizing the importance of polite language,” says Jim Gregson, one of the program’s speakers. “We like to tell students to avoid offensive words like ‘conservative’ or ‘Santorum supporter.’ We want to create a supportive environment.’” For further support, teens all over the country have begun a grassroots video campaign entitled “It Gets Better” to support those who feel targeted for their rightwing political beliefs. “You were born this way!” is one common mantra heard in the videos, which embrace free expression and tolerance. “It can be hard for young white Republican males like me,” said junior David Limbaugh, who is currently involved in the project. “We’re being told by everyone that what we feel is wrong, that it’s unnatural. We want to send the message to struggling young Republicans that it’s not always like this. I guess we’ll really see the fruit of our efforts come November. Mitt Romney 2012!”
http://my.hsj.org/chatterbox
SENIOR class found these vicious uprisings to be in very poor taste, and down-right disrespectful. Thus, the grandiloquent SENIOR Council of Gamemakers is pleased to announce the first annual Younger Games. A magnificent competition, The Games will challenge the wits and test the fortitude of Walnut’s youth. Two Tributes, one female and one male, will be bestowed with the honor of representing their grade for a chance at eternal fame and glory. Only one will rise to the highest and emerge as victor. Generous donations from Walnut’s wonderful alumni have been pouring in in an effort to adapt our very own Robert S. Marx Stadium into a state-of-theart combat arena, one of technological splendor never before seen by man. Throughout the arena we have placed a variety of obstacles which the Tributes must overcome if they wish to survive. Also, for the pleasure of our viewing audience, we have installed a myriad of high-definition cameras and motion tracking equipment to capture every drop of sweat and heart beat of our competitors.
The Tributes will be reaped in a formal celebration and selection ceremony in Blair circle. Every underclassman’s name, by default, is submitted once, doubling each year until the end of the eleventh grade. Many may worry that the stress of possibly being honored as a Tribute may detract from their academic performance; do not fear, the SENIOR Class is a benevolent ruling body. To counteract any fault in scholastic standing, we humbly offer a remedy: gratiae, substantial extra credit, valid in any class. However, if one elects to succumb to the necessity of additional points, they will be honored with another submission of their name into the reaping pool. This will happen every time they opt to receive gratiae. “The Class of 2012 and the SENIOR Council are so proud to contribute to Walnut’s national reputation as a bastion of classical, secondary education,” exclaims our Head Gamemaker, Fran Newberry, “the up and coming achievers will undoubtedly value this extraordinary opportunity to instill their name within Walnut’s rich history.” It is difficult to express in
words the privilege which we are entrusting to you: a chance to be immortalized as the valiant champion. Happy Younger Games! And may the odds be ever in your favor! Regards, The SENIOR Class Post Script: If you dare to disregard this important bulletin, you will regret it; we will find you.
Stationary Bike Racing Joe Schmidlapp ‘14 Chatterbox Minion Stationary bike racing is the new fad sweeping the nation. Walnut Hills is one of the first few schools in the state to adopt stationary racing as a sport. Chatterbox talked to Junior Harley Chatch “Sometimes being on the team can be a challenge. It seems like people are always ahead of me.” Last week three Eagles placed in the top five during their meet at Aiken’s weight room. The rules of stationary racing are simple: first one to cross the finish line wins. Unlike spinning, there is a finish line. And because there is a finish line, there is always at least one winner.
New entrance exam includes slacking, weightlifting
JESSICA FAN/CHATTERBOX
Workout rooms will be made available for students who wish to prepare for the new exam.
Jonah Roth, ‘13 Crayon Enthusiast Walnut Hills High School has seen a number of adjustments to account for the ever-increasing student population--traveling and part-time teachers, as well as increased class sizes--but last weekend, the ILT announced a new method of thinning the herd. “The entrance exam,” testing consultant Balthazar Bavarian told the Chatterbox in an exclusive interview, looking stunned at his own brilliance. “The standards for entering a school as elite as Walnut Hills set the bar way too low. I mean, look at this!” He pulls out a transcript for one of Walnut’s 270 juniors. “Only five AP classes? A 3.8 unweighted GPA? Why is this
Mia Manavalan, Dictator
person even at Walnut?” The new exam, Bavarian revealed, will be administered in three parts: First, “the basic calculus and Latin poetry skills that every qualified sixth grader should be able to handle. If they pass that, they move on to the slacker test--how good you are at quickly glancing at the paper on the desk next to you, how convincingly you can change the wording of a Wikipedia article.” Finally, if prospective students pass both of the other tests, they have the opportunity to undergo “a test of strength and endurance. It’s very simple. All you have to do is lift a two-ton weight and run seventeen miles uphill with it.” This is to assess if the student is prepared for the rigorous physical work involved in
getting from class to class. Although some are vehemently opposed to such a test, others, like Student Congress President Darren Wethington, say they think the test is a positive move toward finding quality Walnut Hills students: “People here are dumb. Of course, I could have passed that test, but most of Walnut doesn’t even know what an integral is. They should just go to, I don’t know, Shelbyville or somewhere else instead where--wait, are you recording this?” A completely reliable anonymous survey showed that although 99 percent of Walnut students could pass the new test, less than 4 percent are actually up to the standards of students that the administration is looking for with the new test. “I can say whatever I want in this interview,” said one sophomore. “I smoke and I cheat in class, and I know you’ll print this because it’s anonymous and controversial.” “It’s something we’ve been looking at for a while,” Bavarian says. “We’ve tried various ways of bringing down student populations before, like introducing Time to Speak and Economics requirements, and driving up difficulty levels of classes like Precalculus and Chemistry, but the best way to keep out the unworthy is just to stop the problem before it starts.”
The Chatterbox
Page -2.718
The Flibbertigibbet
superfeline strength and their ability to see in the infrared spectrum. However, malicious students, who were members of the Enterprise for the Vitriolic Imitation of Lowly Scum, (EVILS) discovered the plot. In a rescue, the group freed the cats and their new kittens to “raise our own army of cats to dominate the Greater Cincinnati Water Works and flood downtown,” according to member Nathan Katkin, ‘14. As the escape was occurring, the animals leaped from the van as it was speeding from the construction zone on Sulsar Ave. The creatures, according to security camera footage, left the road and ventured to the mods. There, the felines took up residence. When the Administration discovered the gaffe, Principal Jeffery Brokamp called an emergency ILT meeting to discuss how to discipline EVILS and the possible consequences. The minutes show ideas ranged from creation of a new species to legal action filed against the school. The cover up continued for approximately four months, until the minutes of the emergency ILT meeting were passed to the entire faculty in an email faux-pas. Hastily, the administration contacted teachers, directing them to not discuss the results of the meeting with anyone. In January, the AP Biology class was tasked with determining the true nature of the feline’s powers. They discovered that the cats not only had infrared vision and superfeline strength, but that they also had extremely high metabolisms leading to high defecation rates--hence the pungent odor throughout the mods. This cover up continued until a confidential source passed the ILT minutes to the Chatterbox. As a source of news, we determined it was necessary to share with the general public. It was decided that the best option for all involved was to contain the treat by erecting fences, hence the appearance of a ten foot chain linked fence. This development was questioned by students who were told its purpose was to protect lives and property. However, many were still perplexed, as the staircase to the Senior Parking Lot cannot be blocked off. Many, especially teachers began to notice the cats. They had started to reproduce, soon creating an overwhelming number. They turned the rocks into a litterbox and the retention pond into a drinking fountain. The positive side was the elimination of the rats. The cats still roam the school.
Cat coverup confounds Chatterbox
Garretson Oester, ‘14 Attorney General
The infestation of the modular structures with cats should be of no surprise to students in AP Chemistry this year. The class has been taken in a new direction by the instructors. It now has a more organic focus. The first section of the class discussed how chemicals can affect the brain chemistry of mammals. The experiments began with lab rats which were stored in a closet on the third floor next to Mr. Lazar’s room. The rats began to display unnatural habits, such as clucking like chickens and the development of reddish-pink fur. This was attributed to the magenta colored Cobalt chloride hexahydrate compound used. The rats soon passed away and were clandestinely disposed of in construction waste. The class moved on to cats, specifically to sphinx cats, the hairless kind. During the dark of night, on November 3, twelve members of the group used collars to capture two stray cats outside of an oleochemicals plant straddling the Mill Creek. They were kept in a secret compartment cut into the side of the new breakfast vending machines. For one month the class continued their injection of chemicals. This led to the cats gaining
Wild Ducks overtake the Hill Jude Law & Wife
As an undercover cop in the Walnut Hills, I have noticed a remarkable trend that separates students at this high school from every other inferior high schools in the tri-state, duo-state, octo-state and enneacosioi-state. Walnut Hills goers have a natural gift for ignoring the Wild Mongolian Ducks running around in the hallways. As Joshua Mansfield, ‘12, cleverly stated, “I can’t really talk to them because I would need to burn my pants.” I only really began to notice them while I was in the bathroom. They would just flop around like legless cats next to toilets, their claws billowing in the bathroom essence. Their facial expression hinting at the proud. The administration decided at one point to serve them for free breakfast except the consistency of their body was like that of an unappealing mollusk. Whenever the administration would try to catch a Wild
Mongolian Duck, it would just flop away...like a legless cat. In a wild impulse, I decided to wash all of the ducks with Dawn soap to test their claims of de-fouling fowl efficiency. In a frenzied fury, I fought with a furrowed fuming frown to scrub their leg hairs with soap. Ducks don’t have leg hairs. I have also noticed that these ducks are uglier than your average human. They have upside down faces tacked onto their faces. I was concerned to see how others thought of the ducks, and the responses that I received were: • “What Wild Mongolian Ducks?” • “Who are you?” • “Please stop touching my baked yam.” • “Who are you?” • “What are ducks?” I have stolen a Wild Mongolian Duck upon departure but as I try to write this article, it just keeps flopping around everywhere and is so ugly.
State of the Union Address Walnut Hills should win an award for being the most boring school in the world. The Chatterbox staff has worked all year to create drama by writing about spicy topics, like sex, drugs and rock & roll. Journalism is more than just about delivering unbiased news. It’s about drama, drama, drama. Unfortunately, we have yet to face any lawsuits or even the obnoxiously angry parent, and quite frankly, it’s disappointing. We had one angry letter from an 8th grader. Really, guys? That’s all you’ve got? The SENIOR class wants to end the year with a bang, and so far, it looks like there’s no hope. Don’t you remember the days of student walk-outs and politi-
cal protests on campus? The giant cougar in the middle of Blair Circle? We remember those days... and we miss them. There’s less than a quarter left of the school year and all we want to do is stir some controversy. In the wise words of Ke$ha, “Don’t stopmake it pop.” Oh, yeah-TWENTY TWELVE!!!
Online Features and Surveys
Calendar
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Morbi sed dolor et magna condimentum dictum vitae sit amet lorem. In ullamcorper, purus id placerat volutpat, eros diam luctus neque, vitae facilisis nibh odio at magna. Nullam fermentum libero ut lectus ultricies tempor. Pellentesque metus urna, eleifend ac mollis eget, cursus vitae mauris. Aenean porta massa eu est egestas molestie. Links to all this and more are available online at <http://my.hsj.org/chatterbox>
Walnut Hills High School
Sincerely, Mia Manavanalananan and Taylor Tanner Walters
April 2012
Who needs to be controlled by a calendar? Go make your own decisions! Be your own person! Show them you’re more than just a piece of the system, more than just a tool in their games.
A Bunch of Arrogant Punks Mia Manavalan, Dictator
Tanner Walters, Dick Cheney Ayana Rowe, Grammar Nazi Kemarca Wade,[anyone know what she does?] Luke Kloth, Facebook Stalker Garretson Oester, Attorney General Dominick Clark, Complaint Manager Josh Medrano, CNN.com Reader Jessie Heines, Loudmouth Jenna Weber, Tweetin’ Up a Storm Joe Neidhard, Compulsive Shopper Charlie Hatch, Slam Dunk Jaylen Hill, Just Uses Wikipedia
Page Editors:
Emily Friedman, Understudy Jonah Roth, Crayon Enthusiast John Butler, Resident Chill Dude Signe Schloss, Airbrush Expert Akilah Phillips, Envelope Licker Cody Stayden, Grave Digger
Sean Wood, Video Game Expert Sierra Kingston, Comment Troll Amanda Dias, Likes Pretty Things Hannah Shaw, Fluent in Sass JP Schmitz, Not Lazy Jessica Fan, Nut Extraordinaire
Looking the other way: Samantha Gerwe-Perkins and Dawn Wolfe Front page masthead by Jackie Tobias. Illustration by Sarah Davidoff.
Since the world is ending on December 21, 2012, there really is no need to organize your time in a manageable way. Just go out, and do some crazy stuff. Good night, and good luck.
The articles in this issue are not fact-based and are published for entertaining, satirical purposes only, as is the tradition of this publication on this most esteemed holiday. Tanner Walters, Dick Cheney
Issue CVI.7
The Windbag
Page 3,207,693,284
Student Spotlight: Steve Buscemi
Thrifting now socially acceptable Hannah Shaw, ‘14 Fluent in Sass
ABACA, SIGNE SCHLOSS/CHATTERBOX
The new student, casually leaning against a column.
Signe Schloss, ‘12 Airbrush Expert Many of you have probably noticed the new kid at school. He’s in your English classes, he’s in your gym lockers and he’s in your pea soup. Clocking in at a cool 5’9”, he stands out not only for his wrestler physique and highlevel skills, but for his advanced age. While Steve Buscemi could easily pass for a college freshman, and although he exists outside of time, some students have noted that he looks a little too old to be even a Walnut student. “Is he an undercover cop?” asked a shifty preteen as he hid
a vial of orange juice under his crushed velvet zoot suit. “Does this have to do with the ducks?” asked Josh Mansfield, amateur geologist and conspiracy theorist extraordinaire. I’m not a doctor, but I can say with 30% certainty that Mr. Buscemi is one angle, arcsin .6946, of a love triangle with two unnamed adults. They allegedly jumped at this opportunity for acceptance to make up for their lifelong lack of having a name. It’s unnatural; it’s a 370 degree triangle. 370° Fahrenheit of pure intrigue. One thing that is natural is Steve’s aversion to carpeting, especially rugs that really tied
the room together. Thus, he has become an autodidact with regards to the nuances of the linoleum industry. Buying, selling, various finishing sheens – call him up on the next rainy Sunday and you’ll be treated to the wonders of this human catalogue. Steve is a man of many colors, namely periwinkle and green, and can often be found outside Mod B gazing wistfully into the altiverse of what could have been. Full disclosure: I was coerced into writing this by a swift abduction and hastily whispered threats. If there’s anyone out there, please. Help.
Thrifting, which was once reserved for poor college students and penny pinching mothers, has become a trend among some of the hippest of Walnut Hills students. Now, adolescents who were once forced to hide their thrifted clothes by lying and saying they’re from Forever 21 or some boutique you wouldn’t know, can flaunt their secondhand threads. To be even more fashionable, some students display expensive name brand clothes designed to look like they were first put through a paper shredder, splattered in paint or purchased at a vintage clothing store. In reality, these items of clothing were really bought at a horribly over priced store in the mall and are very low quality. Whether you prefer fuax vintage or you’re a Goodwill junkie the thrifting game has been taken up a notch. The Chatterbox has recently become aware of a new uprising trend of “dumpster chic.” Students have reported seeing fellow peers flaunting coffee filter skirts and trash bag blouses. A student following the new trend claims, “It’s so important to
recycle now a days, and vintage clothes are the cutest so I just combine the two by creating outfits from my recycling bin!” In hearing about this new fad, sanitation issues may come to mind. Fashonista Jenna Weber comments, “We wear recycled cotton, why not wear recycled used paper towels. It’s so green, dumpster thrifting will be the next big thing.” Resident fashion complainer Joe Neidhard, ‘12, is joining in on the trash trend. He says “I’m totally fine with the trend, so long as your ketchup stains match your shoes,” The fashion of Walnut is constantly changing and with the open mindedness of the student body the trends are usually welcomed with open arms, but this time it may be welcomed with a fresh can of lysol. As for what comes next on the green fashion front is unknown. Perhaps recycled loincloths? As quickly as the trashy trend has risen it may fade just as quickly as it came. As Heidi Klum says “In fashion one day you’re in, and the next you’re out.”
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Emily Friedman, Understudy
Issue CVI.7
[Creepysheep]
Page 4i
Something witty about the rain...
TANNER WALTERS/CHATTERBOX
Emily Friedman, ‘13 Understudy With the new construction, and the incessant rainstorms Cincinnati has become known for, Walnut students have become accustomed to walking bell to bell in the thick of it. Many are smart enough to bring umbrellas or raincoats, and a few of the more outgoing may even wear ponchos. But those who have their minds on other things at 6 AM may forget to bring an umbrella. The administration has become aware of this, after several complaints by teachers who claim that many of their students are walking into class dripping wet. Many parents have called in saying that the long rainy walks to the mods and back have caused their children to contract cold after cold, with some cases displaying even worse symptoms like fevers or the flu. Students have also had their say, complaining that it’s hard to focus on class when their dripping with rainwater. Unable to ignore the situation any longer, the administration has announced that the “Rain Regime” will be enacted im-
mediately. The Alumni Foundation and several generous parent donors have agreed to allocate two thousand dollars to help “dry the school,” and keep students healthier. Large fans resembling the snow blowers at Perfect North will be installed on the walkways between the mods to avoid puddles that become hazardous. Large tarp curtains will be spread down the Sulsar walkway. Umbrellas will be available at several locations to aid the more forgetful students. But for some, this still was not enough. And at a recent meeting a particularly clever parent suggested that a number of “drying stations” be created to aid students who were unable to purchase umbrellas, or who had to take a wetter route to the mods. These stations will be located in every mod, in the arcade, lunchroom and main hallway. There, students will be able to obtain hot towels, a change of socks, or sponge to help dry them off before class. There will also be a series of hair drying machines, which will take change and quickly dry the hair of any student willing to pay. Even more, the makeshift “bridge” that once spanned the
In Character Fact: The Chatterbox staff is competent. Three SENIORS go for a hunt in the park. (fig. 1-3)
Walnut Hills High School
mud river by the mods will be traded for a permanent rubber bridge and a series of gutters that
will collect the water runoff and store it in a new purification tank
located behind Mod D. Similar gutters will also be placed along the sides of the tarp covers and connect to the same system. The water collected will be purified for use in the mod drinking fountains and sinks. The administration hopes that a combination of these drying efforts will help students to stay not only healthy, but more focused and happy in classes, while also saving water and contributing to a greener school.
The Scandalmonger
How to look cool while smoking Joe Neidhard, ‘12 Compulsive Shopper
Ok, so over the past year or so I’ve noticed this rising trend of people posting pictures on Facebook with a cigarette in hand. Intrigued, I looked into this, and found that some people’s posing was more effective than others. Sure, there were the few who looked all kinds of rebellious and hard-core, but most just looked like they were trying too hard. I decided to analyze the photos for what people’s techniques were, and came up with this set of guidelines for taking adequate pictures with your cig in hand: 1. Remember, YOU. ARE. AWESOME. That’s why you’re taking these awesome pictures, to show that you are so nonconformist and rebellious that you went down the totally original and unique route that only 60 million other Americans have already tried and become heavily addicted to. 2. Make sure that your cig is resting gently between the last knuckles of your index and middle finger. Otherwise you risk
looking timid and showing that you don’t actually feel comfortable with one in your hand. 3. Be sure that your face exudes the proper amount of notcaring. Because you don’t care. It’s about making sure that the world knows that you value looking cool in high school more than not having to deal with lack of breath, nicotine dependency, heart disease, lung cancer, impotence or generally smelling like an ashtray. 4. Don’t overdo it with your environment. You are already shocking your parents enough with these pictures. Adding more stupidly dangerous activities like taking a photo of yourself while driving or walking on a railroad bridge is just overkill. 5. Shower. And use a lot of cologne/perfume. Act like no one notices. But, seriously, you smell. Yes, we notice it. So there you have it. All you need to know to make sure that your next set of Pall Mall-pics look just as bad as you’d hope them to be the next time you’re out pretending to enjoy smoking for social reasons.
Renovation to Include Moon Base Char Daston, ‘13 Chatterbox Minion According to Walnut Hills renovation expert Garret Oester, the socalled “grandiose” plan of presidential candidate Newt Gingrich to build a base on the moon is actually based on a formerly-secret project just leaked from top-secret Walnut Hills administration files. According to the plans, the currently fenced-
off area that now contains a mountain of dirt and part-time lake is scheduled to become a launch pad by the year 2015. While the administration certainly took into account the wealth of student research opportunities that would come with such a project, the leaked files state that the main reasoning for the moon base is the fact that “this is SO much cooler
Jonah Roth, Crayon Enthusiast
than anything at the new SCPA.” In other renovation-related news, a very generous grant from an anonymous contributor has allowed painters to add inspirational quotes to the walls of bathrooms. Look for such wise words as “no job is finished until the paperwork’s done” and “if at first you don’t succeed try, try again” when you visit the new lavatories.
Volume CVI.7