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FINDINGS

PagE 20

WHAT WE LEARNED FROM READING THIS WEEK’S PAPER VOL. 42, ISSUE 34.

When Texans call something a “Haven for Hope,” they mean it’s a concrete slab patrolled by armed security guards where there have been 45 suicide attempts in the past two years. 10

The appropriate greeting upon entering a Lakota sweat lodge is “Yes! All my relatives.” 28

Lewis and Clark dubbed the Sandy “Quicksand River.” 15

If you want to sit on wooden bleachers and roar along as the mighty LeBron James smacks the basketball away from some twerpy little Warrior, there is a place. 62

Wild took some liberties with the path of the Pacific Crest Trail. 18

Sea urchins taste like whipped semen. 69

Pulque is Mexico’s oldest alcoholic beverage. 26

There are Tupperware parties for weed now. 74

ON THE COVER:

OUR MOST TRAFFICKED STORY ONLINE THIS WEEK:

Dasha at Kelley Point Park. Photographed by Thomas Teal.

some coffee kiosks in the airport are closing.

STAFF Editor & Publisher Mark Zusman EdiToriaL News Editor Aaron Mesh Arts & Culture Editor Martin Cizmar Staff Writers Nigel Jaquiss, Rachel Monahan, Beth Slovic Copy Chief Rob Fernas Copy Editors Matt Buckingham, Maya McOmie Stage & Screen Editor Enid Spitz Projects Editor Matthew Korfhage Music Editor Matthew Singer Web Editor Sophia June

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Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

LIFE IN EAST PORTLAND

(Also, nice touch, WW, for calling John Edwards Thanks for the attention to East Portland [“Life and Paul Ryan “distinguished speakers”!) in the Numbers,” WW, June 15, 2016]. Half of the —“lissa211” city’s population lives here, and that percentage is only going to grow. PROPOSED MAX LINE TO TUALATIN East Portland has a lot going for it, but there Someone much smarter than me once explained that TriMet sees itself as more of an are a few things missing (besides sidewalks). We need a grocery store— urban development organization than a public transit agency, and its something other than a cavernous Safeway. Why hasn’t New Seasons capital-projects fetish is a big part of this [Murmurs: “Portland Vottapped this rapidly growing area, ers’ Support Is Soft for Light Rail to with its high percentage of owneroccupied family homes going up in Tualatin,” WW, June 15, 2016]. L ife value? Also, I’ve studied the past two NUMBE R S TriMet budgets, and there’s definitely Portland’s eastern boundary some shifty stuff going on to obfuscate for Car2go is now Northeast 60th massive amounts of debt servicing Avenue. Why don’t the car-sharing “All those services notice the demographic and dubious capital-planning work. renters in shift toward younger people? A lot The Southwest Portland corridor mobile needs a traffic solution, but it doesn’t of local businesses seem to have fallen for the mistaken view that home parks need to be a billion-dollar boondoggle. people west of 82nd Avenue often will be have of East Portland. —Jonathan Gates screwed.” —Sallie Tisdale Northeast Portland RISING RENTS IN PORTLAND If Portland didn’t want this to happen, I read this article and was thinking “fuck you” people should have made damn sure it couldn’t the entire time. Now that they’ve ruined North happen [Dr. Know, WW, June 15, 2016]. Gentriand Northeast Portland and people can’t afford fication is not the inevitable result of economic to live there anymore, east of I-205 has to be the development. Quite the opposite, it is the result of fundaundiscovered, raw, authentic next new thing. And my home value will skyrocket, and I will mentally unjust economic development policies, move somewhere else. But all those renters in widespread public disinvestment in historically the higher percentage of mobile home parks will marginalized communities, and lack of protections for existing residents. be screwed. —“xina” —Angela Woodruff WE SPENT A WEEK MAKING MEALS FROM THE NEW PORTLAND FARMERS MARKET COOKBOOK. P. 37 YE OLDE PORTLAND VISITS THE MUCH-MISSED SIMMONS’ WORLD OF MAGAZINES. P. 59

WILLAMETTE WEEK

“IT WAS DIFFICULT NOT TO BURST OUT WEEPING.” P. 59

A TRIP TO THE DENTIST LANDS AN IMMIGRANT TEEN IN FEDERAL LOCKUP. P. 9

IN THE

WWEEK.COM

VOL 42/33 6. 15. 2016

East Portland’s hand-dipped hookah hip-hop clubs and storiedcorn dogs, honky-tonks.

NPR CANCELS PUNDIT’S SPEECH

Kudos to Oregon Public Broadcasting CEO Steve Bass. Mara Liasson is a prime example of a bothsiderist and villager—she is one of National Public Radio’s weakest links, so no tears shed for her [“Broken Pledge,” WW, June 15, 2016].

JULY 1, 2 & 3

The Fields Neighborhood Park 1099 NW Overton Street Portland, OR portlandcraftbeerfestival.com 4

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

As a driver in pedestrian- and bike-friendly Portland, I know a lot about crosswalks. But recently many crosswalks have been painted with green stripes. Do these green crosswalks have diﬀerent rules? If so, why haven’t drivers been told? —Careful Driver

Pity our public servants—they mark our rights of way as clearly as they can, and we complain because we’re too lazy to Google what the signs mean. To answer your question, the green stripes indicate a place where motor vehicle traffic may cross a bike lane—at an intersection, for example. Motorists (and bikes) should exercise extra caution in such places. Local authorities do their best to get the word out about this stuff, though I grant that their explanations can be a bit dry. Take this explanation of the now-familiar green bike box, from a Portland Bureau of Transportation brochure:

PAGE 12

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR must include the author’s street address and phone number for veriﬁcation. Letters must be 250 or fewer words. Submit to: 2220 NW Quimby St., Portland, OR 97210. Email: mzusman@wweek.com.

“When the traffic signal is yellow or red, motorists must stop behind the white stop line behind the green bike box. Don’t stop on top of the bike box. Keep it clear for cyclists to use. No right turns on red at these intersections.” That 44-word description is clear enough, in theory, but I’ll bet you didn’t read the whole thing. There’s a reason why you’ve never seen a 44-word McDonald’s slogan. Try this: When you see the green box, think “No right turn.” That’s not what it means, exactly, but that’s what you should think, because the entire purpose of that box is to keep you from cutting off bikes as you turn right. Once you have the idea burned into your brain that right turns at a bike-box intersection are fundamentally wrong and shameful, you’ll think twice about making one, which is the whole point— you’ll pause, look around, and do it super-carefully, like it’s illegal. You’re welcome. Note: If you tuned in for the results of last week’s “Make Portland Shitty Again” contest, rest assured we haven’t forgotten, it’s just that the vagaries of the print schedule necessitate an off week between call and response. QUESTIONS? Send them to dr.know@wweek.com

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

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Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

Mileage Tax Recruits Few Guinea Pigs

Last July, the Oregon Department of Transportation started a pilot program called OReGO to test the idea of a state tax on miles driven—a tax in which Oregonians driving fuel-efficient vehicles would pay more than they do in gas tax while those driving fuel-inefficient vehicles would pay less (“Paying by the Mile,” WW, June 30, 2015). The idea was to replace the state gas tax, which is in long-term decline. Jim Whitty, who spent more than a decade researching and marketing OReGO around the world on ODOT money, told WW at the time that “guilt” might be the sole incentive for owners of fuel-efficient cars to sign up for OReGO. He hoped 5,000 Oregonians would sign up for a trial run of the program, paying per mile traveled and receiving a credit for gas taxes paid. But apparently, guilt hasn’t been enough. As of June 1, only 891 people were enrolled in OReGO, according to ODOT’s Michelle Godfrey, and all four businesses that enrolled also happen to be registered as contractors with ODOT. “Our current numbers are more than adequate to fully test the OReGO system,” Godfrey says. Meanwhile, Whitty retired from ODOT to join D’Artagnan Consulting, an ODOT contractor. Agency rules bar him from doing business with ODOT for 12 months.

Portland City Hall Imagines Weed Windfall

The Portland City Council is likely June 22 to refer a 3 percent sales tax on recreational marijuana to the November ballot. But

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WW Garners Northwest Journalism Awards

Willamette Week won nine awards in the Society of Professional Journalists Region 10 Northwest Excellence in Journalism contest. Competing against non-daily newspapers in Oregon, Washington, Idaho, Montana and Alaska, WW took ﬁrst place for Nigel Jaquiss’ spot news reporting on former Gov. John Kitzhaber (“Climate, Changed,” WW, Feb. 3, 2015) and Leah Sottile’s personalities reporting on refugees arriving in Oregon (“The Newest Portlanders,” WW, Sept. 30, 2015).

L O VAT T O

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS WEEK

REID AND SANDY HEADWALLS

NEWS

ZIGZAG CANYON

MISSISSIPPI HEAD

BY AA RON MESH amesh @wweek.com

On June 9, volunteers from Portland Mountain Rescue helped two climbers who had fallen oﬀ the the Coleman Headwall, a steep slope high on the south face of Mount Hood. It was the group’s eighth recorded mission this year to rescue an injured or lost climber on Hood—and the heavy climbing season continues through the end of June. Each year, more than 10,000 people seek to summit Oregon’s tallest mountain. The vast majority of them make it back down without incident. A handful don’t. In the past 10 years, 16 climbers have died on Hood’s slopes. (The mountain’s most infamous disaster, in 1986, claimed the lives of nine people on an Oregon Episcopal School trip.) It’s unclear where Hood ranks among the nation’s deadliest peaks. Oregon ranks as the sixth most dangerous state for mountaineering deaths. Portland Mountain Rescue completes about 15 missions a year to save people hurt or lost on Hood. Spokesman Mark Morford says most accidents are the result of climbing without a proper belay, especially in bad weather or on crowded days. “How dangerous a place is,” Morford says, “is largely a function of where people go the most.”

1. Mazama Chutes

2. Hogsback/Pearly Gates

HOGSBACK/PEARLY GATES

MANZAMA CHUTES 2 3

crater is hugely popular. On a summer weekend morning, as many as 200 people can be seen at the base of the ridge called the Hogsback waiting to climb. “Many of the worst accidents are caused by other climbers, knocking down ice or falling into another roped team,” Morford says, “or efforts to avoid other climbers when the crater is busy.”

3. Cooper Spur

Aug. 11, 2013: Polish soldier Sebastian Kinasiewicz, 32, dies after plunging more than 100 stories on a solo climb. Few climbers brave Hood’s northeast slopes—for good reason. “The north side of Mount Hood is worse than all of the south routes,” says Deputy John Gibson of the Clackamas County sheriﬀ ’s search and rescue division. “That whole side

COOPER SPUR

is just sketchy.”

4. Reid and Sandy Headwalls

Dec. 13, 2009: Three climbers die on Reid Glacier. It takes more than 10 months to recover two of their bodies. These routes are among the steepest up the mountain. “People tend to fall and get themselves killed there,” says Gibson. “They’re going to fall farther because it’s near vertical in those places.”

5. Mississippi Head

March 11, 2016: Asit Rathod, 43, gets lost climbing down and is helped oﬀ cliﬀs to safety by Portland Mountain Rescue. While few people fall or die on the gradual slope below Crater Rock, many get lost there while trying to return to Timberline Lodge

in low visibility, usually veering west until they hit the sheer cliﬀs at Mississippi Head. “The natural topography of the mountain shucks them oﬀ to the west,” says Gibson. “It’s just the way the contour of the mountain is. It sucks people in when they can’t see.”

6. Zigzag Canyon

July 23, 2012: A hiker chases after his lost golden retriever, Ranger, in the canyon—and both have to be pulled out by harness. Rescue groups expect regular calls from Zigzag, Little Zigzag and Sand canyons—often from climbers who wander too far west, sometimes from overwhelmed hikers. “They end up a couple hundred feet from the Timberline Trail,” says Morford. “There’s no landmarks, you can’t see your way out. It’s where they stop and call us.”

S O U R C E S : P O R T L A N D M O U N TA I N R E S C U E , C L A C K A M A S C O U N T Y S H E R I F F ’ S O F F I C E , O R E G O N O F F I C E O F E M E R G E N C Y M A N A G E M E N T, T H E O R E G O N I A N , T H E A M E R I C A N A L P I N E C L U B

Jan. 21, 2009: A basketball-sized chunk of ice strikes 31-year-old Portland nurse Brooke Colvin in the face, and she falls 400 feet to her death. This route through the volcano

June 4, 2015: Idaho grandfather Ward Maxwell, 66, falls to his death from this route—the most recent death on the mountain. For the past decade, this has been the most popular route up Hood. But it passes beneath and through icy cliffs. “It’s crappy ice,” says Morford. “As the ice melts every year, it just rains down.” Worse, the area where falling climbers land, known as Hot Rocks, is pocked with fumaroles: volcanic vents releasing toxic gases.

Where People Fall and Die on Mount Hood

THIS SIDE UP

Willamette Week JUNE 29, 2016 wweek.com

L O VAT T O

NEWS a piece of the Foster site to NAYA. NAYA then proceeded with what was supposed to be a two-part development. First, NAYA would develop 40 units of affordable housing on the site. NAYA Generations—the housing portion of the $25 million project, so called because it includes space for seniors as well as families with foster kids—is on its way to completion. It was 34 percent finished at the end of May, according to the Portland Housing Bureau. But when the school—or the PPS-NAYA Regional Early Learning Academy and Longhouse Community Center, as the project is formally known—came up for a School Board vote last year, some members balked at the cost of the project. At the time, the budget was $12.5 million—with $4.5 million in PPS funding for what amounted to six Head Start and kindergarten classrooms. NAYA made support for its project a litmus test in last year’s School Board election. “The failure to support the project at this critical time has the potential to lay waste to hundreds of thousands of dollars spent in years of pre-development work,” a NAYA press release in May 2015 read, questioning the leadership of School Board Chairman Tom Koehler and then-member Bobbie Regan, who had raised questions about the cost. NAYA was supposed to contribute $3.1 million. But it’s not clear why PPS believed NAYA could fund its share of the partnership. NAYA’s tax returns at the time showed a $1.3 million deficit. Its latest tax returns show it running just over $445,000 in the black. In an interview with WW this spring, Sanchez, who is now the unopposed Democratic nominee for state representative in Oregon House District 43, insisted that the organization’s finances wouldn’t pose a problem. “We are in shape to follow through with our financial commitments,” Sanchez told WW on April 6. (This newspaper endorsed Sanchez after that interview.) But by then, the project had already missed a March deadline for getting final School Board approval for construction costs. In explaining the delay, PPS contradicted Sanchez’s assertions. “Funding sources were not fully The new troubles for the project, located at the school identified,” district spokeswoman Christine Miles says. district’s shuttered Foster Elementary School in Lents, are When asked to comment, Sanchez again cited changelikely to reignite questions whether the deal between PPS over in “key leadership positions” at NAYA as the reason and NAYA ever made sense. for withdrawing from the project, but she did not offer a Nobody denied the need was real. Native students date for resuming it. fare poorly in Portland Public Schools. By the end of high “As a board member, I don’t believe it was ever sugschool, the achievement gap between white and Native gested to us this deal was falling through,” says School American students is stark: Just 51 percent of Native Board member Mike Rosen. “My questions now would Americans graduate on time from PPS high schools, com- be: What will the gap in dollars and services be, and who pared to 77 percent of white kids. Trying is likely to be on the hook to fill them? to narrow that gap by focusing on early It seems reasonable to expect the board childhood education made sense. would hear about issues like this before But an apparent conflict of interest the press.” “AS A BOARD clouded the deal. While NAYA’s thenProject costs have risen in the middle MEMBER, I executive director, Morton, served on of Portland’s construction boom. The the Portland School Board, the district DON’T BELIEVE latest projections show a $13.7 milentered into the risky multimillionlion price tag (not including the cost of dollar project with his thinly financed IT WAS EVER building the streets)—a nearly 10 pernonprofit. Although Morton abstained cent increase since May 2015. SUGGESTED TO from voting on the issue, the appearance It’s not clear how much money the of favoritism made critics uneasy (“Los- US THIS DEAL district has spent attempting to get the ing Ground,” WW, Nov. 19, 2013). project off the ground, but it’s spent at WAS FALLING “[I’m] shocked to hear that this is not least $175,000 on contractors. PPS plangoing to happen,” says Teresa McGuire ning director Sara King says the district THROUGH.” of Restore Education Before Buildings, does not track how much time staff —Mike Rosen a watchdog group that raised questions spend on particular projects. about the project in 2013. “For the past School Board Chairman Koehler says several years, PPS has been a party to he was not aware of NAYA’s budget questionable decision-making. There is woes last year, but adds that he ensured a business side of education, and no one at [headquarters] NAYA and PPS would split the costs of preparation to or on the board seems to be able to figure out how to hold build the center, instead of writing “a blank check.” vendors of these alternative-education programs account“As it soon as it became clear NAYA didn’t have the able.” funding, together we took the appropriate action,” says Getting the project off the ground also swallowed Koehler, who still hopes the project can be revived by the money from City Hall. nonprofit within the next four years. “If NAYA can get In 2012, then-Mayor Sam Adams offered PPS a $5 mil- their financial house in order and it still makes sense from lion bailout, with a string attached: The district would give the PPS side, there’s still the need.”

Quitting Early A CRUCIAL, HEAVILY FUNDED PROJECT TO HELP NATIVE AMERICAN KIDS HAS CRATERED. BY R AC H E L M O N A H A N

r monahan@wweek.com

A high-profile project that combined the resources of Portland City Hall, Portland Public Schools and the Native American Youth and Family Center has collapsed. When it was proposed more than four years ago, NAYA’s Early Learning Academy was supposed to help address the chronic struggles of Portland’s Native American students. The academy, slated to be built next to 40 affordable new apartment units in the East Portland neighborhood of Lents, was to offer day care and schooling from infancy through kindergarten. The city of Portland helped launch the project as part of a $5 million bailout for the school district. Portland Public Schools has now spent more than $175,000 on contractors preparing the design and plans. The school district is on the hook for another $360,000 to put in sidewalks, streets and streetlights, even if no school is ever built. Now WW has learned NAYA has halted work on the early learning center because the nonprofit doesn’t have the money to build it or the managers to make it happen. “The Board of Directors of NAYA Family Center has made the difficult decision to temporarily withdraw from the project,” writes interim executive director Tawna Sanchez in a May 23 letter to PPS. Sanchez says the project is being suspended because of turnover in NAYA’s leadership. Executive director Matt Morton left in January, and development director Oscar Arana left in February. Sanchez says in her letter the project might resume once NAYA fills those positions, but she gives no estimate when that might be. 8

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

Insertion: JUNE 22

Creative Director: Mark Ray

courtesy of bob owen/san antonio express-news

NEWS

DON’T MESS WITH TEXAS: San Antonio homeless shelter Haven for Hope placed large fans to cool people sleeping in its “Prospects Courtyard” during the summer of 2015.

San Antonio Spurred EVERYTHING’S BIGGER IN TEXAS— INCLUDING THE MODEL FOR A PORTLAND HOMELESS CAMPUS. By ju lia comn es

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

503-243-2122

Two weeks ago, Multnomah County Chairwoman Deborah Kafoury traveled to San Antonio to visit Haven for Hope, a homeless shelter built in 2010 that’s received national attention for its claims that it’s reduced by 80 percent the number of people sleeping on the city’s streets. What she saw was a concrete slab. The “Prospects Courtyard” sits behind metal detectors and armed security guards, offering an open-air, partly covered sleeping space on concrete for as many as 800 men, women and children a night. Kafoury doubts that such a plaza would work in Portland. “I don’t think our ethos would allow it,” she says. Yet the idea of building a Haven for Hope-style homeless campus in Portland has captured the city’s imagination since June 11, when developer Homer Williams told The Oregonian he wants to copy the San Antonio model with a $100 million homeless shelter he calls “Oregon Trail of Hope.” Williams tells WW he learned about Haven for Hope on a business trip to Texas three months ago. He found it impressive, though he thinks a Portland courtyard would need to be indoors. “It’s the first thing that I’ve seen that dealt with the core issues,” he says. “It’s not just about a home, it’s about mental health and addiction.” Perhaps no issue divides and inflames Portlanders as much as chronic homelessness, and the promise of an outside solution to a seemingly intractable problem is tantalizing. Williams’ plan already has the interest of Portland Mayor-elect Ted Wheeler and Portland’s business lenders, who want an alternative to Mayor Charlie Hales’ recent legalization of sleeping on sidewalks. But Haven for Hope, founded by an oil-pipeline executive Bill Greehey in 2006, offers mixed lessons for Portland: Along with reducing official homeless counts, it has been criticized as a magnet for crime that makes homeless people less visible without ultimately helping them. Scott Ackerson, Haven for Hope’s vice presi-

dent of strategic relations, tells WW that Portland might benefit from a shelter similar to Haven for Hope. “Portland doesn’t have the campus on the front end,” Ackerson says. Haven for Hope claims since it opened in 2010 that it’s saved San Antonio jails, emergency rooms and courtrooms $50 million. Yet the shelter is expensive: The site’s operating costs in 2013 exceeded $14 million, and its construction topped $100 million. Ackerson estimates that 60 percent of that funding comes from private foundations and contributors. But no aspect of Haven for Hope is as controversial as Prospects Courtyard. The concrete yard serves as a kind of front porch for the campus. People who can produce identification, commit to sobriety and are willing to work toward permanent housing are allowed to graduate to transitional housing. But first they have to join the throng sleeping outdoors. Between January 2014 and December 2015, San Antonio police responded to 1,877 calls for service to the shelter, including 178 calls about theft, 45 suicide attempts and five disturbances with firearms. “With 700 people in one space, you’re going to have altercations,” Ackerson says. Former San Antonio Current reporter Michael Marks says he’s spoken with homeless people who’d rather stay on the streets than in the Courtyard. “The Courtyard can be a little bit of a Wild West,” Marks adds. He says skeptics wonder if the Courtyard isn’t little more than a tool for reducing the visibility of homelessness in downtown San Antonio, a popular tourist locale. “Some think it was a push to ensure that the downtown area wasn’t replete with homeless people—to keep them all in one place,” Marks says. Ackerson says more than 4,000 people have moved from the Courtyard to the shelter’s other housing. Kafoury visited Haven for Hope on June 6 with Williams. She says Portland could emulate at least some of Haven’s strategies, such as providing onsite services. “I don’t believe any community has the silver bullet,” Kafoury says. “Whatever the solution, it has to be community-driven. Each city has its own challenges and its own characteristics.”

Belgian-style wheat ale brewed with coriander and orange peel.

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

VIVA ! R E M SUM

It sure was an angsty spring, huh? Maybe it’s the specter of a Trump regime, or the upward creep of Portland housing prices, or the city’s struggles to help our homeless—but Portland has seemed especially peevish in the past six months. Well, summer is finally here. Let it go. It’s time to get out of your sweaty living room and spend a lazy day on some shady riverbank with a sixer of Blue Moon. It’s time to skip another commute through rush-hour traffic and hike a piece of a grand trail you’ve only seen onscreen. It’s time to forget the gray skies of February and lose your mind at a music festival or drive way out to deep Southeast for the best tacos in town. And so, here’s our guide to getting the most out

of Portland in summertime. Because the Columbia River Highway celebrates its centennial this year, we drove it in search of the Gorge’s best swimming spots (PAGE 15). And because we’re a little sick of driving in this city’s traffic, we decided to try biking to autocentric spots, like the nation’s top drive-in theater and a historic drive-in burger spot (PAGE 30). We also decided to recalibrate our idea of what “hot” even means by participating in a traditional Native American sweat lodge ceremony (PAGE 28). And since Trump does make us nervous, we decided to celebrate Mexican culture where we found it. That took us on an epic quest to eat every taco in East Portland to find the best (PAGE 20) and through bottles of every Mexican lager available in town (PAGE 24).

We also started plotting our escape from the country—you could walk to Mexico or Canada on the Pacific Crest Trail, but it’s best to start with some of the area’s top PCT day hikes (PAGE 18). Given that nobody knows how things will shake out—we could be at war with Indonesia by this time next year—it’s a good idea to get the most out of every sunny day this summer. So we’ve assembled a Super Calendar featuring one awesome event every single day between now and autumn. Before you know it, the clouds will return and you’ll have long, chilly nights to argue with your Facebook friends and leave little notes correcting your neighbor’s parking habits. But not now. It’s summer—shut up, grab a beer and a book, and drive out to the river. —Martin Cizmar

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

Hole On,

HENRY CROMETT

olumbia

The best swimming spots in the Columbia River Gorge between Portland and Hood River.

VANCOUVER

2 5 84

TROUTDALE

PORTLAND 205

BY E NID SP I TZ

6 5

espitz@wweek.com

The Columbia River Highway celebrates its 100th birthday this summer, a centennial that the Oregon Department of Transportation is marking with a concert in Washougal, storytime at Eagle Creek and an antique car parade in Troutdale. But, for us, the best way to experience the Columbia River Highway this summer is to travel it on the way to take a swim. We drove along the Columbia for 64 miles, from Kelley Point Park to Viento State Park, dipping into every notable beach along the way. Here are our six favorites.

1. KELLEY POINT PARK Where it’s at: The northernmost point of Portland, where the Willamette and Columbia meet. 8484 N Kelley Point Park Road, 503-823-2223. 6 am-9 pm daily. Free. If you like: Day drinking, dog parks, not leaving the city. Pro tip: There’s cart fare and beer at the Fixin’ To in St. Johns not far away. Named for the New Englander who tried to start a city here in 1834, the park is now a delightfully sandy spot full of day drinking and friendly dogs past NoPo’s industrial dead zone. It’s within biking distance of any house in town, and worth the ride if you’re an avid cyclist. Drivers, bring a stocked cooler and plenty of towels—the beach is wide and sandy, and the water is deep enough to jump off the watchtower into. Kelley Point reminds me of the inland California river beaches of my childhood, which is the highest compliment I can give it. CONT. on page 16

KELLEY POINT PARK Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

2. GOVERNMENT ISLAND

3. BLUE LAKE REGIONAL PARK

4. LEWIS AND CLARK STATE PARK

Where it’s at: Northeast from PDX, in the middle of the Columbia. Access from Broughton Beach. 4356 NE Marine Drive, 503-797-1700. $5 parking. If you like: Salty’s on the Columbia, tubing or tall grass—in 1950, the government appropriated the island to grow hay. Pro tip: Restrooms are scattered all over the island, if you’re into that.

Where it’s at: 30 minutes from downtown, in Fairview, just before Troutdale. 20500 NW Marine Drive, Fairview. 503-665-4995, oregonmetro.gov. 8 am-sunset daily. $5 parking. If you like: Glamping, waxed F-150s, birthday BBQs. Pro tip: Go via Marine Drive for a scenic ride; take I-84 if you need to buy floaties from Target.

Where it is: Across from the Troutdale airport, where the Sandy and Columbia rivers meet. 1 Jordan Road, Troutdale, 503-695-2261. 6 am-10 pm daily. Free. If you like: Shade, wading, families with juice boxes. Pro tip: The gravel parking lot closest to the freeway looks shitty, but it has shade. The swanky, paved lot farther down does not.

Blue Lake Regional Park is a near-perfect circle of manicured fields and paved walking paths bordering the man-made lake. It is the type of nature area with a paved fountain area, so kids can get wet without dirtying their feet. For summer sports, it’s unbeatable. Every soccer, baseball and volleyball area has a bathroom, covered barbecue patio and beach within sight. Kids have their pick of sandboxes, play structures and a sandy swimming area—probably the only one in the Gorge with an onduty lifeguard—while parents barbecue, play disc golf or fish. Don’t let the many monster trucks and toddlers in the sandbox deter you; there’s plenty of space. KELLEY POINT PARK

HENRY CROMETT

Accessible only by boat, Government Island is actually a string of five islands, all best enjoyed the way Lewis and Clark did when they stopped there in 1805: as a boater’s picnic spot. It was put in by the Salty’s restaurant at Broughton Beach, and, as beaches go, is mainly a Vancouver bro repository. Once you’re in the water with takeout in the boat, set sail for the south side of Government Island, where boats moor for picnic hours, the more obnoxious folk set up E-Z Ups on the waterfront, and you get a free water ski show on busy weekends, when tubers and skiers go along the island’s south edge for hours on end.

At the convergence of the Columbia and Sandy rivers, Lewis and Clark is the ideal ending point for a long day’s float. The whole park is 54 acres of camp spots and hiking trails leading up to Broughton Bluff. You’re here for the waterfront, where realty is at a prime on hot days. Waders enjoy the shade under rickety iron bridges that crisscross over the water, and picnickers nestle into the flat, dirt spots under intertwining trees on the waterfront. While the beach is small, the water is wide, and it’s 4 miles by river from Dabney Park. By this time you’re a few radlers in, so sitting in the shallows sounds fine.

5. OXBOW REGIONAL PARK Where it is: Past Gresham, where Division ends, right below Corbett. 3010 SE Oxbow Parkway, Gresham, 503-663-4708. 6:30 am-sunset daily. $5 parking. If you like: Floating, sand castles, hot dogs without dogs. Oxbow is a NorCal river beach, minus the empty Monster cans and Rainbow flip-flops. The sand is as wide as the river and perfectly flat, meaning prime sprawl area for your floating gear or if you plan to spend the day on the beach, where dogs are outlawed but kids run free. While “Sandy River” is an abbreviation of Lewis and Clark’s ominous name, “Quicksand River,” the winding waterway is docile here, where you can wade halfway across before getting your armpits wet.

6. VIENTO STATE PARK Where it is: An hour from downtown, right between the Cascade Locks and Hood River. Take Exit 56 off Highway 30/I-84. 541-374-8811. 8 am-5 pm. $5 parking, $17 campsite. If you like: Privacy, getting wet only up to the ankles, skipping rocks. Pro tip: Wear real shoes. And if a train is passing, you’ll wait in the parking lot to cross to the beach.

I L L U S T R AT I O N S B Y R . P E T R O V I C H

Billed as a campground, Viento may be the worst camping park in the Gorge, stuck between the freeway and active train tracks in the middle of nowhere. The swimming spot, however, is the most serene and picturesque on the Columbia’s southern shores just west of Hood River. In the undiscovered cove, a full-sized teepee made of driftwood and a picnic table are the only landmarks on a beach of large, smooth rocks. The water is shallow until at least 10 feet out, where windsurfers take advantage of the consistently breezy spot (“viento” means wind in Spanish). Most days, it’s empty, the panoramic view from Hood River to the Cascade Locks unimpeded by children or floaties.

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

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Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

M AU R A B R A DY

BITE-SIZED CHUNKS OF THE PACIFIC CREST TRAIL. DIFFICULTY KEY Parks Scare Me

Weekend Warrior

Dirty Boots

Reese Witherspoon

BY A DRIEN N E SO

@adso_sheehan

A few years ago, I pulled up to Smith Rock in central Oregon and saw a cluster of abnormally shiny silver trailers in the parking lot, looking for all the world like spacecraft newly landed on the moon. It turns out, Reese Witherspoon was filming her adaptation of Portland author Cheryl Strayed’s Wild somewhere in the park. This seemed odd. Wild is about Strayed’s adventures on the Pacific Crest Trail, and Smith Rock is not on that trail. So I feel a personal, if not logical, stake in pointing readers toward the actual Pacific Crest Trail, which cuts through Portland’s backyard on its rugged and remote journey from Mexico to Canada. Narrowing down the day and multiday hiking trips within a few hours’ drive of Portland is a difficult task, so we reached out to Dana Hendricks from the Pacific Crest Trail Association, and to Jared Kennedy from Outdoor Project for a few suggestions. If you’re headed out in the next few months, be a “trail angel,” and carry fresh fruit or surprise goodies for any thru-hikers you might meet. Not everyone will be stopping at the Bridge of the Gods; some will complete the trail. Wherever you end up, be sure to be good citizens of the trail and leave no trace of your presence.

Three miles, out and back DIFFICULTY: FROM PORTLAND: Go east on WA-14, the road that runs opposite I-84, and turn onto Rock Creek Drive at the Skamania Lodge. Take the first left onto Foster Creek Road, which becomes Ryan Allen Road, and then turn left onto Red Bluff Road. Turn right at a fork onto Marantha Road, and onto the 7.4 miles of unpaved gravel that leads to the trailhead.

Reeieces se’s 18

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

Snag Creek and Rock Creek

TIMBERLINE TRAIL

As you drive here, you might be forgiven for wondering what could be worth all this trouble, and it is this: The long and confusing drive means you’ll most likely be alone, and then you won’t have to share Rock Creek with anyone but thru-hikers. From the parking area, head west. Hitch up your pants to cross Snag Creek. A mostly level trail brings you to Rock Creek, whose little ripples broaden into clear, blue pools just below a little footbridge. Several rotting signs along the trail indicate the ages of different stands of trees. The short, skinny stands of 40-year-old trees lend some perspective to the enormous downed logs, which must have been over 500 years old when they fell.

ADRIENNE SO

Table Mountain

11 miles, out and back DIFFICULTY: FROM PORTLAND: Take WA-14 east and turn left on East Cascade Drive to Bonneville Hot Springs Resort. Many hikers use the large west lot, but be respectful of resort customers. Table Mountain is one of the most popular hikes in the Columbia River Gorge, known for its spring wildflowers, stunning rock faces, and endless views. We know several professional mountain guides who train for the season by walking up this mountain every morning, in the same amount of time it takes me to drink two cups of coffee and read everything on Digg. From this, we can deduce that Table Mountain is strenuous, and that mountaineering can be just as boring as a desk job. Using the parking lot behind the Bonneville Hot Springs Resort shortens the traditional route by about four miles. On summer weekends, you can usually find this alternate trailhead, known as the Dick Thomas trailhead, by following the long lines of cars trundling in and out from WA-14. The PCT runs parallel to the Dick Thomas Trail for a mile or so, and intersects just before a super-steep climb. If you find yourself struggling, imagine trying to climb this trail with 40 pounds of gear on your back. The trail leads you through other entertaining attractions, like a long, ankle-breaking talus—or large, loose rocks—field, and a section next to a sheer 800-foot drop. There are several junctions, but the summit trail is clearly marked. The struggle is worth it, as the summit features some of the best views in the Gorge. To get an idea of the PCT’s scale, it’s worth noting that the few minutes it takes to drive from Snag Creek to Table Mountain is over two days’ journey by foot.

Dry Creek Falls and the Bridge of the Gods

Five miles total, 4.4 miles for Dry Creek Falls, out and back DIFFICULTY: FROM PORTLAND: Take WA-14 or I-84 east. Both ends of the Bridge of the Gods have parking lots; the Oregon side has parking fees. If you’ve seen Wild, you’ll recognize the Bridge of the Gods as the site where Witherspoon ends her hike, reflecting on all she’s accomplished. It is an uncomfortable spot to reflect. There is no shoulder. Cars whip past you within an arm’s reach on one side, and a precipitous drop to the Columbia River is on the other. The only PCT crossing that might have been more uncomfortable would be if the trail made you skip and dodge across I-84. Nevertheless, it is significant for a number of reasons. It’s the lowest point on the official PCT. It’s where hikers cross the state line from Washington into Oregon. And there’s no better place to appreciate the size and power of the Columbia than by seeing it through a grate beneath your feet. The trailhead for Dry Creek is off the Bridge of the Gods on the Oregon side, across the street from the parking lot. After two miles, the PCT crosses Dry Creek (which never runs dry, by the way) over a wooden footbridge. Follow Dry Creek up a slight ascent to a little cove, full of moss and ferns and the most beautiful waterfall in the Gorge. A bit of leftover damming apparatus serves as the perfect perch from which to dangle your feet over the water while you eat a snack.

Timberline Trail

10 miles, out and back DIFFICULTY: Depending on how far you go and whether you end up stuck in a creek crossing FROM PORTLAND: Take OR-26 east toward Government Camp. Turn left onto Timberline Highway to Timberline Lodge. The trailhead is behind the lodge, up a service road. Timberline Lodge has a number of strikes against it. No matter what time of year you go, it will be crowded. And a trailhead with fine dining, hotel rooms and a glamorous Hollywood history— Timberline served as one of the exterior locations for The Shin-

TABLE MOUNTAIN

ing—is no one’s idea of roughing it. Nevertheless, it is worth mentioning because weary PCT hikers look forward to a cold beer and a good meal at Timberline with trembling anticipation. Also, the views from the Timberline Trail, which overlaps the PCT for about 10 miles, rival almost anything else the PCT has to offer.

1 2

Skamania Lodge

3 Bridge of the Gods

Timothy Lake

13-mile loop trail; the PCT section is 3.5 miles DIFFICULTY: FROM PORTLAND: Take OR-26 east and south past Government Camp. Turn right on NF-42 and follow signs to Timothy Lake. This serene mountain lake is one of the most popular attractions in Mount Hood National Forest. But even on the most crowded weekends, you need to walk only 15 minutes into the woods to get away from the herds of sunbathers, swimmers and kayakers. You can access the Timothy Lake Trail from any one of the lake’s five campgrounds; the Timothy Lake Trail intersects with the PCT on the lake’s southeastern corner. The Oak Fork campground is the closest, but the ghoulish camp hosts patrol as if they were Javert and the knitting lady from Les Misérables, hunting for anyone accidentally parked in a trailer spot, thirsting for someone to guillotine. It might be worth a longer hike to avoid them. Traveling north from Oak Fork, you may choose to turn around at the junction where the trails diverge: The PCT travels north, and the Timothy Lake Trail splits to continue around the lake. We encourage you to circle the lake—punctuated, obviously, with snacks and frequent dips in the water—as the entire 13-mile trail is well-maintained, mostly level and highly rewarding.

Mt. Hood

Jefferson Park

11.5 miles, out and back, shorter if you turn around at Park Ridge DIFFICULTY: FROM PORTLAND: Take OR-224 southeast from Estacada and turn right on NF-46 to a junction with NF-4220. Take NF-4220 east and up an unpaved road to the PCT trailhead. What else is there to say, except that Jefferson Park is one of the most beautiful sections of the PCT, and one of the most beautiful parks in Oregon? It’s where my husband intended to propose, before he accidentally mailed the ring to our house. Broken up into sections, the park can be hiked in one day (with a follow-up soak at Breitenbush Hot Springs), or as a popular weekend backpacking trip. Follow the PCT south from the trailhead, slowly gaining elevation through the alpine meadows until you ascend to the breathtaking views of Mount Jefferson from Park Ridge. If you’re planning to stay the night within spitting distance of one of the park’s gorgeous lakes, the U.S. Forest Service now requires advance reservations for the designated campsites. While there is no campsite fee, there is a $6 reservation fee.

5 Timothy Lake

6 Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

MEGAN NANNA HENRY COMETT

Amanecer

Los Michoacanos

acos of the East

BY M AT T H E W KO R F H AGE

mkorfhage@wweek.com

Portlanders like to tell you that all the best tacos are in the boondocks, way out at Ochoa’s in Hillsboro and Luis’s in Woodburn. Amid the arid-meated taco deserts of inner Portland, it’s easy to believe that a great Portland taqueria is not only nonexistent, but an oxymoron. But starting at about 120th Avenue and extending into Gresham, some of the most vital Mexican communities near Portland lie to the east, with a wealth of taco trucks serving the communities whose food they cook. I spent the past month trying to eat at all the taco trucks, carts, tiendas, shacks, supermercados, carnicerias and flea markets at the edges of Portland and Gresham. I made it to 27 of them, picking up at least four tacos at each place. The finest rank among my favorite tacos anywhere in Oregon. Here are the eight best.

dining area that might be showing the Copa America on a flatscreen—are four fresh, flavorful salsas and trays of brightly acidic pickled jalapeños and onions. And yet I don’t need toppings for these tacos. Graciano’s meats are masterful from the top to the bottom of the menu. Hardto-perfect meats like delicate lengua (tongue) and cabeza (beef head) are gently seared and spiced to perfection, the carnitas rival the best in the city, and the asada is booming with beef flavor. Graciano tends to mix up his recipes a bit, so the pollo one day may come as chicken chunks so intense you’d swear they’re confit, and the next time shredded and juiced up with bright notes of pineapple. This is a feature, not a flaw. While many taquerias excel at one or two specific proteins, Los Michoacanos is the one place we don’t need to bother telling you what to order. Just show up and eat.

Los Michoacanos

Amanecer

Southeast 148th Avenue and Stark Street, 503-953-9305. 10 am-10 pm Thursday-Monday. Twelve hours a day, five days a week, in the parking lot of a tire shop next to a hard-luck bar called Happy Landing, Jose Graciano and his son serve the best tacos I’ve had anywhere in Portland. The tortillas, which Graciano has arranged to get fresh daily from Las Cuatro Hermanas in Hillsboro, are the perfect taco holder—thin and supple, and earthy with corn flavor. Each plate of tacos ($1.25-$1.50) comes with a lightly charred, caramelized bloom of onion, and maybe grilled serranos. In front of the cart—in a pleasant, covered 20

WE ATE AT 27 TAQUERIAS IN EAST PORTLAND AND GRESHAM. HERE ARE THE BEST.

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

193rd Avenue and East Burnside Street, Gresham, 971-212-8021. Noon-11 pm Friday-Sunday. Way back two weeks ago, I would have told you there’s no way any place near Portland could approach the carnitas at Tortilleria y Tienda de Leon. Those were more innocent times. Amanecer, a Michocan-style cart that pops up in a parking lot at the back door of a nearunmarked flea market only Friday through Sunday, has the most flavorful carnitas I’ve eaten in Portland—just a bit of crisp, flat-top edge and more pork than a farm bill, bursting with flavor that’s impossibly intense and almost delicate. Tack on a rich, light-yellow, real-vanilla agua fresca

that’s like the liquid essence of ice cream and summer itself, while eating on a picnic table in the shade of an enormous oak tree, and you’ve got one of the singular dining experiences in Portland, except that it’s Gresham. Also grab a barbacoa de borrego (lamb) and beautifully spice-integrated al pastor, and note before you order that these $2 tacos are much bigger than most, served on large, thin corn tortillas handmade in-house. Alongside Los Michoacanos, Amanecer stands as East Portland and Gresham’s finest monument to meat and corn.

Tortilleria y Tienda de Leon

16223 NE Glisan St., 503-255-4356, salsaslocas.com. 9 am-8 pm daily. I don’t go to Tienda de Leon for tacos. I go for gui. sados—Mexican stews such as the almost heartbreaking pork nopales—and part-time specials such as amazing pork spareribs. But there are tacos, served on housemade corn tortillas with pollo, carnitas or asada. The carnitas have more juice than a Chicago loan shark, and the steak has a pristine flat-top sear and the lightest touch of caramel. And that pollo is a hearty world of dark-meat flavor, like pulled-pork barbecue made of chicken. All can be topped with de Leon’s distinctive salsas—including their addictive, lettuce-thickened salsa loca—and especially the note-perfect nopales. Note, though, that while the tacos are stunningly wonderful, the fillings are a different beast from most—slow-cooked as stews for hours rather than quick-grilled. They are impressively rich, but more cousin than sister to the tacos at, say, Los Michoacanos.

Mi Pueblo Taqueria

Los Michoacanos

El Yucateco

13116 NE Sandy Blvd., 503-724-3759. 11 am-8 pm Monday-Saturday, 11 am-4 pm Sunday. Manuel Pinto has only had his Yucatecan-style cart on Sandy Boulevard since the beginning of the year, in a desolate area at the edge of farms and warehouses. He has a downright gift for salsas—a sea-breezy lime habanero sauce singing with vinegar, and especially a red salsa with just a slight edge of pepper roastiness and a surprising complexity. But it’s the cabbage-topped cochinita pibil—slowroasted pork from the southern tip of Mexico— that’s terrifyingly good, tender and citric. Except you should probably get the meat not in the taco but on a panucho, a little dual-wafer tostada stuffed with a thin layer of black beans. Note, also, that the cart is pretty versatile: A Latino family eating during our visit had ordered, instead, a juicy, stacked burger and one of the best-looking club sandwiches I’ve seen in town.

Taqueria Mi Mole

18488 E Burnside St., Gresham, 503-912-1473. 10 am-9 pm Sunday-Thursday, 10 am-10 pm Friday-Saturday. Taqueria Mi Mole looks on the outside like a Wendy’s that’s been firebombed, and its name makes it seem like a spinoff of inner Portland’s Mi Mero Mole (it’s not, but its chef worked there for years). But within, it’s a homey restaurant with stuccoed walls and families enjoying plates of panuchos and moles, from smoky Oaxacan to a rich mole poblano to the best of these—the granular, limegreen heaven of mole verde. Among the tacos, asada is king. Of all the taquerias we visited, this asada tasted the most like the ones at the Mexican beefhouses of West Texas, where cows are a way of life. Taqueria Mi Mole’s asada tacos are like flat-iron steak in taco form, topped with spice and thick with marinated flavor. The corn tortillas were a bit doughy, but that beef? Flawless.

17466 SE Division St., 503-760-3666. 11 am-9 pm Sunday-Thursday, 11 am-10 pm Friday-Saturday. Tripe (beef stomach) is an underrated meat. It’s difficult to do well, its texture too often rubber under the wrong spatula. But when good, it’s so damn good—meaty protein with a deep and complex undertow that nags like memory, with as much caramel as any candy. Well, the little family shop next to Supermercado Mexico—which serves whole fried fish, and opens for breakfast with a “Dember Homelett” but does a ridiculously brisk takeout business in tacos—served up my favorite tripas of them all, just barely edging out Los Michoacanos’ lovely version. The secret is crispness without crunch, and here it’s perfect; Mi Pueblo also pan-sears its carnitas on the flattop for a welcome charred edge.

Los Franco

12051 SE Stark St., 503-473-7066. Noon-11:30 pm Monday-Thursday, noon-4 am Friday-Saturday. This lone O.G.-era, vanstyle food truck with red . script faded into equally faded white paint—near the strip clubs and party bars of Gateway—is one of Portland’s only truly good late-night taco carts. There’s nowhere onsite to eat except atop an abandoned oven in front of an old furniture shop. But Los Franco grills up a spice-saturated al pastor taco that blends earthy notes of cinnamon with peppery zing and a bright pineapple slap to the pleasure centers. The buche, meanwhile—a bit like tripe, except it’s pork stomach—is a marvel of caramelized fat: tasty pork belly that’s actually pork belly.

UNIQUELY NORTHWEST

Tacos el Buda

18340 SE Stark St., Gresham. Weekends only, inside the Oregon Flea Market. The Oregon Flea Market at the western edge of Gresham is a wonderland of frutas stands, smoothies, piñatas, phone covers, startling decorative kitsch and elegant western wear for tiny children. It’s a bustling bazaar that can make you believe, briefly, that you have slipped the skin of America and crossed the border into an independent Latin country. Five taquerias operate within its walls, parking lot and meat market, but the one you shouldn’t miss is Tacos el Buda, an inexplicably Buddhist-themed taqueria that shares a kitchen (but not a cash register) with El Rincon D.F. taqueria and makes expertly pickled onions and a barbacoa de borrego swimming in earthy sauce and rich with lamb flavor. Order from the far counter at the cafeteria in the flea market’s center, and be well. Also visited: Antojitos Mexicanos, Chepe’s, Antojitos Yucateco, La Tapatia, Los Arcos, Don Pedro, Santa Cruz Taqueria (SE Portland), Taqueria Santa Cruz (Gresham), Bora Bora, Supermercado Mexico, La Autentica, El Capullo, Taco Salsa, La Herradura, Lupita’s Deli, El Brasero, Ricos Tacos, El Rincon D.F., El Cazador.

Retail Pork Butchery & Sandwich Shop 525 NE 24th Avenue | Portland, OR | 503.477.8682 tailsandtrotters.com Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

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Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

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Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

WE DRANK AND RANKED EVERY MEXICAN BEER WE COULD FIND IN PORTLAND. BY WA L K E R M AC M URD O

wmacmurdo@wweek.com

As you may have inferred from Corona ads, summer is a time for lighthearted hijinks, impromptu dance parties on the beach, and crushing crisp, refreshing Mexican beers with your beautiful friends as the sun goes down. Corona Extra is the most popular Mexican-brewed beer in the United States, but is it truly the best cerveza to Raise Summer™? The answer is—literally and figuratively—yes and no. We gathered a bunch of gringos to drink 17 beers—every Mexican lager we could find at Fred Meyer, Safeway and East Portland’s Supermercado Mexico. We ran all of them through a blind taste test, without any limes to hide behind. The results may surprise you.

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Corona Extra (Grupo Modelo)

Score: 89 of 100 City of origin: Mexico City The best Mexican beer is, as you will see, also the worst Mexican beer. Grupo Modelo bottles some of its Corona Extra in 32-ounce, brown “ballena” bottles— intended to be shared family-style and labeled as “Corona Familiar.” This Corona Extra has all the notes you want from an eminently quaffable Mexican beer: delicately malty with a rich, full finish and a hint of sulfur. It’s the perfect beer to drink outside during some light physical activity. Familiar is widely available in Mexico, but it can be tough to track down outside of Mexican grocery stores in the U.S. Look for it at Fred Meyer and Supermercado Mexico. Tasting notes: “Real Mexican beer.” “Very good. Perfectly smooth like a Mexican Budweiser, a little heavy on the finish.” “One hundred emoji.”

Negra Modelo (Grupo Modelo)

Score: 86 City of origin: Mexico City Whether you want to call Negra Modelo a Vienna lager or a Munich dunkel—that’s how Grupo Modelo is selling it these days—no one was surprised that Mexico’s most beloved dark lager finished so high. The beer was instantly recognizable by its color and flavor, all toasted malt and dark caramel, with the gentle metallic finish we’ve come to know and love. Tasting notes: “The GOAT. Smooth and caramelly with a metallic finish.” “Tastes like flan.” “Hello, old friend.”

Bohemia (Cervecería Cuauhtémoc

Moctezuma) Score: 84 City of origin: Monterrey The oldest Pilsner brewed in Mexico is also its finest. Bohemia was the only Pilsner on this list that lived up to the hoppy promise of its style. It has a lightly floral nose, crisp body and zesty, citrusy finish that ranks it alongside a classic German Pils. Tasting notes: “Like a German Pilsner—hoppy, aromatic.” “Weird and zesty. Very clean.” “Like an IPA!” “Like Mexican Engelberg Pilsner. Engelberto.”

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

Dos Equis Lager Especial

(Cervecería Cuauhtémoc Moctezuma)

Score: 77 City of origin: Monterrey Dos Equis’ adjunct lager hits all of the notes desired from a Mexican beer: smooth, malty and gently sweet without any aggressive off flavors. Dos Equis’ beers live up to their Interesting™ branding by actually trying to taste like something, and mostly something good. Tasting notes: “Nice and grainy sweet.” “Really smooth and grainy through the body. Tastes like a ‘beer.’” “Sweet and grainy ricey goodness. Great cerveza.” 6. Dos Equis Amber Lager (Cervecería Cuauhtémoc Moctezuma) Score: 70 City of origin: Monterrey Is that…wood? Dos Equis’ Vienna lager tastes like it has spent time in a barrel. Unfortunately, that crisp, woody, upfront flavor rapidly fell off into an unpleasantly oxidized finish. Tasting notes: “Aged? Woody and interesting, but very gross at the end.” “Wood plus oxygen.” 7. (tie) Sol and Tecate Light (both Cervecería Cuauhtémoc Moctezuma) Scores: 64 Cities of origin: Monterrey, Tecate. An adjunct and a light adjunct, respectively, Sol and slightly sulfuric Tecate Light managed to score this high by virtue of being almost completely flavorless, like someone whispering the word “beer” in your ear while you drink soda water. Tasting notes: (Sol) “Cooked corn, slightly mineral. Not bad for a swimming trip.” “Aggressively neutral.” (Tecate Light) “Water plus sulfur equals summer?” “Ultra-light, tastes like a can.” “Tastes like water.”

Dos Equis Azul (Cervecería

Cuauhtémoc Moctezuma)

Score: 74 City of origin: Monterrey

We stumbled upon this previously unheard of wheat lager in a mixed “party pack” at Fred Meyer. Brewed with blue agave, Azul smells very strongly of spring flowers and orange blossom water, which masks an otherwise rocky flavor. It’s almost like a mass-market, Mexican-beer take on a farmhouse ale, which certainly helped it stand out in a field of Pilsners and Vienna lagers. Tasting notes: “Yeast made of flowers.” “Lilacs and orange blossom water. Weirrrrrd.” “Herbal tea perfumed.”

CCM’s first beer was WW projects editor Matthew Korfhage’s pick for the sleeper hit of this tasting. Carta Blanca came up a little short with a metallic off flavor, but it was otherwise a smooth, drinkable Mexican Pilsner-style adjunct. Tasting notes: “Metallic? But smooth.” “Clean; makes me want a burrito.” 11. Montejo (Grupo Modelo) Score: 56 City of origin: Merida For a Czech Pilsner, Montejo fell very short of any discernible hop flavor, and sat heavily on the tongue as a syrupy malt bomb. Tasting notes: “A little too malty…not watery enough?” “Tastes like mud, in a gross way.” 12. Pacifico (Grupo Modelo) Score: 54 City of origin: Mazatlán The faintly flavored Pilsnerstyle Pacifico would probably be an otherwise inoffensive beach beer if not for its prominent metallic sourness. Tasting notes: “So twangy, but not in a cool guitar way. Oxidized.” “Like someone left an old lime peel in it for a month.”

9. Tecate (Cervecería Cuauhtémoc Moctezuma) Score: 61 City of origin: Tecate It might not be the greatest, but even in a conference room, Tecate’s weird, funky aftertaste makes you feel like you’re at a really cool house party. Tasting notes: “Premonitions of armpit.” “The aftertaste just keeps trudging into weirder territory.”

13. Modelo Especial (Grupo Modelo) Score: 45 City of origin: Mexico City A light, Pilsner-style adjunct first brewed in 1925, Modelo Especial lacked any hop flavor and instead tasted like an oxidized, sickly version of its more refined partner, Negra Modelo. Tasting notes: “Too sweet, too dark, just not right.” “Malted weirdness, like a liver with frosting on topping.

10. Carta Blanca (Cervecería Cuauhtémoc Moctezuma) Score: 60 City of origin: Monterrey

14. Estrella (Grupo Modelo) Score: 43 City of origin: Guadalajara Anheuser-Busch InBev began

importing Guadalajara’s Pilsner-style Estrella earlier this year in an attempt to break into the Mexican beer market. Unfortunately for our multinational friends, there was no hop nose or flavor to be found. Instead, Estrella was sour and sharply metallic. Tasting notes: “Tartly grainy; could maybe be hidden with lime?” “A little tart.” 15. Victoria (Grupo Modelo) Score: 38 City of origin: Toluca We had high hopes for Mexico’s oldest beer (est. 1865), expecting a classic, crisp Vienna lager. Instead, we got a wildly unbalanced, oxidized and syrupy mess. Tasting notes: “Did they taste this when they bottled it?” 16. Corona Light (Grupo Modelo) Score: 28 City of origin: Mexico City All of our tasters burst into knowing laughter when we got a whiff of this light adjunct’s infamous skunk. Corona Light’s less aggressive sweetness made it a little more bearable than it’s big brother. Tasting notes: “Who farted?” “Did a skunk let loose on the bottling line?” 17. Corona Extra (Grupo Modelo) Score: 22 City of origin: Mexico City And we’ve come full circle. Grupo Modelo bottles some of its Corona Extra in 12-ounce, clear bottles. Stripped of flavor and odormasking lime, Corona Extra served from a clear bottle is both viciously sour and sickly sweet…almost as though it has been spoiled by exposure to light. Tasting notes: “Tastes like car sickness.”

W W S TA F F

Patio Life

OUR FAVORITE PARTY PATIOS, ROOFTOPS AND HIDDEN GARDENS. 10 Barrel

1411 NW Flanders St., 503-224-1700, 10barrel. com. The 10 Barrel patio rivals Century’s as the mightiest new rooftop in Portland—a radlerfueled sun porch looking down quaintly onto the hurried W+K employees and fit clubgoers of the Pearl.

Ankeny Alley

5 4

Southwest 2nd Avenue and Ankeny Street. The bars of Ankeny banded together to form a welcoming block-long night porch lit by strings of lights. From the strip club to the oyster bar, it is a Christmas village of Old Town drunk, with convivial Valentines and Tryst filling in its sweet center.

Century

930 SE Sandy Blvd., centurybarpdx. By far the city’s most anticipated bar in ages, Century is a game changer—both inside in a game-watching room that feels like a highclass cockfight pit, and outside on that brandnew rooftop looking out on the inner eastside (see page 62).

The Fixin’ To

8218 N Lombard St., 503-477-4995, thefixinto.com. In a dive-bar zone underserved by patios, the Fixin’ To is all patio, plus frito pie.

CONT. on page 25

Borracho en

exico Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

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More Than Margs A BRIEF BUT TL;DR HISTORY OF MEXICAN COCKTAILS. BY N ICK ZU KIN

@extramsg

TO FIND THEM IN PORTLAND Mexico is not a land of cocktail drinkers. Sure, WHERE Margarita: Sadly, even most upscale Mexican restaurants in hipster mixologists outfitted with suspenders and Portland are using low-grade tequila, like Sauza or Cuervo. bow ties preside over trendy bars in Mexico City, The only reason a margarita needs a sweetener, like sugar or agave syrup, is due to bad tequila or bad taste. I recomjust like in Portland. But if you sit down at a typi- mend getting one from La Taq—El Jimador blanco tequila, cal bar or cantina in Mexico—or one that serves lime and triple sec. Cadillac margarita: Traditionally, this is a margarita with Mexicans in Portland—you will see patrons most- Grand Marnier, an orange liqueur made with Cognac. However, if the tequila isn’t toply drinking beer and sipping shelf, too, it’s more of a Lincoln tequila, mezcal or Buchanan’s Continental than a Cadillac. Xico blended scotch—an affectation does one with Corralejo reposado tequila, lime, Combier, sugar, and a of narco culture. Grand Marnier float. Yet, America has long Paloma: It’s a simple cocktail. It just needs good tequila and enough lime influenced Mexico by temptto take the sweet edge off the soda. ing its business-minded with I recommend Taqueria Nueve’s version—Cazadores reposado tequila, the lure of dollars. During lime and Mexican Squirt. the Roaring Twenties, ProBatanga: Any restaurant can make one, but only La Moule, whose bar hibition and legal gambling manager is a tequila aficionado, turned Tijuana into a mecca offers one as a rotating special. It’s for California’s wealthy. There made with Pueblo Viejo reposado tequila, lime and Coke. are many stories about how Cazuela: This monstrosity of a the margarita was invented, drink is surprisingly common in Mexican bars in Portland. There’s but most center on a casino no set recipe, just a bunch of differbartender attempting to ent booze, fruit juices and liqueurs. And it needs to be served in somedazzle an American socialite. thing big, traditionally a large The drink gained popularLONCHERIA MITZEL bowl (though La Bamba on Powell ity in Southern California, but Boulevard serves one in a giant, clam shell). Warning: You should not drink this alone. once an enterprising young Mexican restaura- plastic I prefer the version at Mariscos El Malecon—gin, vodka, rum, teur in Dallas, Mariano Martinez, invented the tequila, triple sec, pineapple juice, strawberry puree, grenafrozen margarita machine in 1971, the margarita dine, orange slices, lime slices, lemon slices, and cherries. Michelada: Portland doesn’t have any bars serving a variety became a drink of the masses. of micheladas, but any of the marisquerias will serve you Mexico does have its share of native boozy their house variation. I recommend Mariscos Las Islas Marias, where it has clamato, hot sauce, lime, and Maggi, beverages, many of which are regional special- garnished with Taj¡n and a skewer of shrimp and cucumber. ties. The toritos of Veracruz, for example, blend Contributor Nick Zukin owns Mi Mero Mole. While sugarcane rum with fruits, nuts, and even coffee. Note: we wouldn’t let him say it himself, his shop has a huge (Veracruz is the birthplace of Kahlúa, as well.) selection of tequila and makes a mean marg. The same is done with Mexico’s oldest alcoholic beverage, pulque, the fermented syrup of the maguey (agave) plant, the same plant used to cont. make tequila and mezcal. Straight, it has the feel of mucous and the flavor of sour milk. Blue-collar Great Notion Brewing Prost old-timers hunch over a Big Gulp-sized mug of 2204 NE Alberta St., 4237 N Mississippi Ave., No. 101, 503-548-4491, 503-954-2674, this white stuff. Teens looking for a cheap buzz greatnotionpdx.com. prostportland.com. chug down curados, pulque flavored with guava, Great Notion’s superLocated next to the cart juicy IPAs are all about pod on Mississippi, Prost pine nut, tamarind, strawberry, pineapple and summer—and that means is the closest thing the anything else to mask its natural flavor. But these we’re all about the beer city has to a German bierporch. Set back far from garten. are hardly what most Americans would think of the street amid shrubbery, as cocktails. it’s as nice a day-sipping Rontoms arbor as any in town. 600 E Burnside St., 503In the land of tequila—actually, the town of 236-4536, rontoms.net. Tequila—there is a bar, La Capilla, where one of Momo The Rontoms patio welMexico’s most prolific bartenders, Don Javier 725 SW 10th Ave., comes all comers, in all 503-478-9600. seasons. Summers tend Delgado Corona, now in his 90s, invented two Momo is westside to attract every demoof Mexico’s most popular cocktails, the paloma Portland’s hidden gargraphic, with a backyard den—a roughly 50-seat bar, a pingpong table and the batanga. They’re variations on the same enclave preciously and packed free Sunday theme: the paloma is tequila mixed with lime guarded by the towering Sessions concerts. pitted brick and peeling and grapefruit soda. The batanga is tequila mixed white walls of surroundRose and Thistle with lime and Coke. ing businesses—that is 2314 NE Broadway, Many of the other cocktails you’re likely to find surprisingly welcoming 503-287-8582, and cheap of drink. roseandthistlepdx.com. in a Mexican bar are Caribbean imports—the piña When people say they colada, cuba libre, daiquiri and mojito, for example. Night Light Lounge love Rose and Thistle, 2100 SE Clinton St., what they mean is they The most common mixed drink in Mexico, how503-731-6500, have discovered you can ever, doesn’t contain any hard alcohol. It’s the nightlightlounge.net. walk all the way through The Night Light patio is the bar and into an unexmichelada, which can be as simple as beer and lime Clinton Street’s secret pected backyard Beulah, juice in a glass with a salted rim. Most Americans weapon—an enclosed with covered sections wood area so domestic it and a sun porch. It is are familiar with more complex versions that seems there should be a bliss. include clamato, hot sauce, lime juice, and a savory gazebo and a hot tub. element, such as Worcestershire sauce, Maggi, White Owl Social Club Paymaster Lounge 1305 SE 8th Ave., or even soy sauce. But at festivals and street fairs 1020 NW 17th Ave., 503-236-9672, in Mexico, michelada stands have as many as a 503-943-2780, whiteowlsocialclub.com. paymasterlounge.com. A mullet of a bar, White dozen variations. There are chamoyadas that have The cigarette-rich, corruOwl Social Club keeps the sweet-sour-salty pickled plum sauce, chamoy. gated-top back patio of the business in front and Paymaster stretches on the parties out back on There are mangadas, a fruity mixture of mango forever like a Louisiana a huge-ass patio that puree and beer. And there are even gomicheladas swamp house, a beer is a sea of picnic tables pitcher on every table. leading up the steps to with spicy gummy candies as a garnish. R A C H A E L R E N E E L E VA S S E U R

THE IMELDA’S AND LOUIE’S ANNUAL

Patio Life

But don’t sleep on the boozy slushies in summer.

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

an always-occupied set of benches around a fire pit.

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

R. PETROVICH

Hot

Rocks

HERE'S WHAT IT'S LIKE TO EXPERIENCE A LAKOTA SWEAT LODGE CEREMONY.

BY A N D I P R E WI TT

The main thing everybody wanted to know was whether I’d be naked. The thing is, I didn’t know—my first worry about the sweat lodge was not knowing what to wear. I had to figure it out soon. In early June, I signed up for the Inipi purification ceremony at Breitenbush Hot Springs, a sprawling New Agey retreat that lies at the end of a gravel road flanked by thick forest about 20 minutes northeast of Detroit, Ore. The steaming tubs and pools at Breitenbush are all nudist-friendly, and it’s not unusual to find yourself in the lunch line next to a guy who’s one loosely tied sarong away from exposing his ballsack by the buffet. But, as it turns out, sweat lodge participants are not merely encouraged to wear clothing, but required—in part to avoid distractions when a co-ed crowd is gathered for a session of intense prayer. And so I found myself in nearly complete darkness, with only the orange glow of hot rocks to see by, sitting cross-legged in the dirt with sweat streaming down my back and soaking my cotton, sleeveless dress. The only thing I knew about sweat lodges going in was that a few years ago, people had actually died in a ceremony led by a self-help guru in Arizona. The orientation left just enough time for my fear to mount. The tradition of the sweat lodge is thousands of years old and was practiced by many tribes, including the Inipi ritual of the Lakotas, our guide Nunpa told us. Nunpa didn’t look like he was prepared for a sweat lodge while wearing coal-colored jeans and a gray Henley to match the ashen curls spreading across his shoulders. But he later changed into black shorts, revealing a body covered in tattoos and scars. At the turn of the century, Native Americans were sent away to military-style facilities meant to strip them of their culture. Nunpa described the cutting of boys’ long hair, and the prohibition of their native 28

tongue. He learned the sweat lodge ritual only through his grandfather, who’d once tamed wild horses and been trained in the ways of his ancestors to became a “kind of medicine man” who could “command the clouds to part for the sun.” As Nunpa’s prose spilled out, my cynicism began to melt away. Sure, the crystal- and tie-dye-clad, drum-toting hippies are what define Breitenbush as a resort. But all that dissolves in the steam of the lodge, a world away from the yoga classes and bathhouse. I felt humbled to be invited into Nunpa’s world. Most of my lodgemates sat in silence as we gathered near a crackling fire, waiting for the ceremony to begin. The “sweat leader” sat on a log in front of the two dozen or so who’d registered for the ceremony, one leg slung over the other as he rubbed a bare, leathery foot.

almost walked past it after rounding a corner at the river yurt, where “nonviolent communication training” was underway. I was picturing a sparse ranger station or summer camp meeting hall stripped bare. The spot marked on the map for “Sweat Lodge” had a fire, but no building. Then I noticed the bones of our sweat hut—thin, arched branches tied together with string to form a dome about 4 feet tall in the middle. Attendees put the rest of the lodge together, because who couldn’t use a little team-building exercise with strangers before becoming best friends in a two-hour shvitz? Penny, a slight, older woman with a broad smile and deeply creased face, was our “fire tender” and showed us how to cover the lodge’s skeleton. She directed us to a stable of hanging blankets, then demonstrated how

“This will give your mind something to focus on other than how hot it’s getting—although that will happen sometimes, too.” —Nunpa His nails were embedded with layers of dirt, suggesting a lifetime spent outdoors without shoes. Nunpa asked how many people were new to sweat lodges, and five others raised their hands. He urged us to consider what we’d like to home in on once inside—healing, purification, requesting help for life goals, prayers for others. “This will give your mind something to focus on other than how hot it’s getting—although that will happen sometimes, too,” he said. His casual, warm tone likely stems from his work with disillusioned youth. He said kids don’t seem to believe in anything at that point—especially not God. And that’s OK. The sweat leader simply tells them that if they don’t have a focus, they “can pray to their big toe,” he laughed, “and I’ve met some pretty strong big toes.” Not knowing what a sweat lodge looked like, I

to arrange them clockwise, starting with a bottom ring. Everyone grabbed a cover and began layering and overlapping to ensure we’d be enveloped in complete darkness once inside. Two olive green tarps topped off the patchwork roof. With the lodge built, we removed our metal and shoes to signify modesty as well as keep us safe— anything that conducts heat can lead to burns. Nothing “unnatural” could be brought with us, including water bottles, so I started to chug as much as I could in the remaining moments I had outside. Two women helped each other tie red string to their nose rings, jewelry that couldn’t be removed but was symbolically acknowledged with the strands. Nunpa led a single-file line—women first—clockwise around the outside of the lodge to a small open-

ing in the blankets. I looked back at a row of bare-chested guys, including my friend Paul, who’d wisely shed his Dri-Fit top after unequivocally stating he’d be keeping his shirt on. “Once I saw the veterans all taking off their shirts, I figured I’d better too,” he said. The women in front of me began to crawl into the shelter. When I was “on deck,” Penny held up a smudge pot so I could waft smoke toward my face. Another person dipped through the opening. I was next. Lifting my arms, palms upturned toward the sky, I closed my eyes and turned to pay respect in four directions. Bending down, I entered the womb. Nunpa welcomed me with “Hokh! Mitakuye oyasin,” which means “Yes! All my relatives.” I shuffled to the back row and sat in the cool dirt. The lodge filled with two circles of people around a shallow pit in the center—we were elbow to elbow, knee to knee. Nunpa claimed he’d once fit 70 people in the cramped space. I was thankful there were less than 30. “Penny, seven stones please!” The fire tender fished large, rounded rocks out of the flames with a pitchfork and brushed off the embers before thrusting them through the front flap. “Hokh! Mitakuye oyasin,” Nunpa said each time one crossed the threshold. He grasped the gray, pock-marked lava rocks with a pair of antlers and placed them in the depression. One man was given the chanupa, a ceremonial pipe, to tap the stones. A woman then sprinkled herbs onto the growing pile that popped and crackled when they hit the piping-hot surface, releasing an earthy scent of sage and occasionally causing the eruption of a small flame. As the room got warmer, I kept careful count of the stones being added at a plodding speed while my adrenaline began to race. Nunpa ordered Penny to close the door. I made eye contact with my friend Paul once more—exchanging a look of “good luck” before I lost sight of his face in the dark. The sweat leader began to sing and keep rhythm on a drum, encouraging others to join in. Voices faltered at first as they tried to follow the Lakota hymn for which there was no book, but eventually the singing grew stronger and hit a stride. I tried to get out a warble but choked on the hot, thick air. A sizzle rose above the song when Nunpa poured water onto the seven stones. Breathing through my nose burned and became impossible. How long would this last? Anxiety started to build. I forced myself to stay, and after what felt like maybe 30 minutes, Nunpa had Penny open the door for a break. I’d never been so thankful for a tiny rush of fresh air. Before the second sweat, one woman announced she needed to leave, and I considered following her. Instead, I hunkered down for what turned out to be four rounds. With each session, the heat grew more intense. Nunpa requested “seven stones,” then “four stones,” and then “three more stones.” I eventually lost count and bent my head forward toward the ground, gulping for something other than the suffocating atmosphere. Slow, concentrated breaths kept me going as my arms and shoulders felt like they were on fire and a mixture of condensation and sweat flooded my eyes. I needed a “big toe” to take my mind off the searing heat, so I began to think of the horses that danced for Nunpa’s grandpa and the beauty of that scene—a black one, a palomino, a yellow one and a white one—all prancing in unison. I finally settled into the heat and looked past the momentary pain. After about two hours, we emerged from the lodge damp and smiling. After exiting, we joined a sort of receiving line to shake hands with all of the sweatmates. It wasn’t unlike the end of a Little League game, when everyone high-fives to the cadence of “good game.” People toweled off and brushed away the dirt that clung to moist legs before joining a talking circle. There was deep relief. “It’s a hard way to pray,” Nunpa said. And I did not disagree.

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GO: Breitenbush Hot Springs, 53000 Breitenbush Road, Detroit, Ore., 503-854-3320. For more information and schedule, visit breitenbush.com. Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

E M I LY J O A N G R E E N E

t l u c ﬁ Dif

ider

BY T Y L E R H URST

ONE MAN BIKES BOLDLY THROUGH THE SMOG OF SUMMER IN PEAK AMERICA.

@tdhurst

Car culture is American culture, and it’s going to kill us all. Yes, a driver’s license and unencumbered access to a motor vehicle give us more personal freedom. But it’s worth remembering that the system designed to foster that freedom comes at great expense to anyone outside it. Think of driving as “transportational privilege.” And, no, the people who have it don’t see it. That’s what I learned by pedaling deep into the sweaty, gasoline-scented pits of summertime in the faded America of blockbuster movies, cigarettes and cheeseburgers. I immersed myself in car culture by bike, riding over 100 miles to six spots designed specifically for customers in cars. I pedaled out to the drive-in theater in Newberg, two drive-in diners, a bank drive-thru and an East Portland drive-thru bodega. I didn’t wear a helmet, but I did wear an earbud in only one ear. While what I saw didn’t scare me off my bike seat, it also didn’t convince me I should surrender my privilege to pilot a vehicle. But it did open my eyes to the challenges cyclists face. For the hardcore, biking to places meant for cars is a fun form of subtle protest. Here’s my experience.

Jim Dandy Drive-In: Like a John Mellencamp video, but with video poker 9626 NE Sandy Blvd., 503-253-2126, jimdandydrivein.com.

BY CAR: From I-205, take Exit 23A and merge onto Sandy Boulevard headed east. Jim Dandy is immediately on your right. 30

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

BY BIKE: Take the I-205 bike path east to Northeast 96th Avenue. Turn right at Sandy Boulevard; Jim Dandy is immediately on your right. This drive-in burger stand on Northeast Sandy has been around since 1937, when car culture was shiny and new. It was here before the freeway rumbling along a few blocks away, and before the useful but not especially scenic bike path laid alongside that freeway. It’s surrounded by an asphalt moat no sane person would ever want to cross on foot. Jim Dandy is pure Americana. It smelled of grease, and felt Happy Days wholesome until I spotted a sign warning kids not to enter the lottery room around back. On the way home, Google sent me on a fancy new bike route along Cully Boulevard with green paint, sidewalk integration and lots of white markers. This lane intersects an unpaved, rocky street (62nd Avenue). On that corner lives a family with at least two youngsters, whom I watched sit on their porch eating Otter Pops in triple-digit heat.

Dea’s In & Out, Cruiser’s Drive-In and Price Is Right Cigarettes: The Triple Threat (Dea’s) 755 NE Burnside Road, Gresham, 503-665-3439; (Cruiser’s) 2515 SE 136th Ave., 503-761-1151; (Price) 11518 SE Division St., 503-761-8816.

BY CAR: Take I-84 east to the Fairview Parkway exit, then to Dea’s In & Out; head south to Burnside for Cruiser’s

Drive-In; head south to Division and turn west for Price Is Right Cigarettes. BY BIKE: Take the Springwater Corridor east to 7th Street in Gresham, then go north on Eastman Parkway and east on Burnside Road. (You could also just take Burnside.) From Dea’s, head south a few blocks until you hit Division, then head west to the other two spots. There’s a reason the streets of inner Portland are so convenient for cycling, and it mostly has to do with when they were platted. Neighborhoods like Buckman and Slabtown were designed for pedestrians, horses and street cars, not automobiles. But the development of East Portland occurred after the rise of the automobile, and so you find wide, fast-moving roads heading out to Gresham. Much of outer Division and Burnside streets has been retrofitted with bike lanes, but cars whiz by at 50 mph. It’s an area where an SUV carrying what looks like Santa and Mrs. Claus pulls up to caution the riders around you about the dangers of the situation. Dea’s In & Out is great, though. It’s not far from the Springwater Corridor, has a bike rack, and the cheerful employees answer whatever questions you have with a smile. Despite its name, Cruiser’s Drive-In is not actually a drive-in, though one parking spot is so close that you could open your car door into the restaurant. There’s an internet jukebox, Cruis’n USA arcade cabinets, and classy pics from the ’60s that contrast with the bland, stainless steel of the open kitchen. Across the street is a Dairy Queen with a bike rack, which I’d have preferred. As I left, I was reminded how rough this area is for anyone without a car. I watched a young family run across five lanes of Division while wearing sandals. Two of the kids were helping carry a trash bag. Three cars honked at them. Price Is Right Cigarettes was closed before I got there, so I didn’t get a chance to see if they’d serve me a beverage and some smokes through the drive-thru

Feature at the Portland Gun & Knife Show:

MILITARY SHOW& SALE

JUNE 25-26, 2016 window while I was on a bike. While my muscles and saddle soreness had been relieved with cannabis and the fact that I’m in decent shape, this whole day felt like a survival test. I was prepared for the heat—it was 100-plus degrees—and the length of the route, but not the adrenaline kick I felt every time my body thought it was in danger—which was nearly every time cars came near me.

PORTLAND EXPO CENTER

Everything Military!

Military clothing, military vehicles & parts, field gear, radio gear, web gear, manuals, medals, insignia and other related items will be on display and for sale or trade.

99 West Drive-In: Ambitionz as a Ryda 3110 Portland Road, Newberg, 503-538-2738, 99w.com.

BY CAR: Drive south on I-5 and take Exit 291, turning right onto Highway 99W and travel south for about 15 miles. BY BIKE: The complicated route involves biking into the West Hills and navigating through countless intersections in Tualatin and Sherwood. You’ll love the multi-use path through a housing development called Woodhaven, but will struggle to “share” the highway by riding on the shoulder next to speeding trucks.

collectorswest.com • Sat 9a-5p, Sun 10a-4p • Adm: $10

The first drive-in theater opened a century ago, and at their peak there were about 4,000 of them in U.S. Somehow, there are still about 350. And Newberg’s 99W is the best, apparently, as voted by readers of USA Today. Getting there by bike, though, isn’t great. First, you have to ride up and over the West Hills, then wind your way through the Willamette Valley to Newberg. During that ride, I was constantly on a shoulder next to 55-mph automobiles, slaloming through roadkill and sucking exhaust. I was also buzzed by a spandex-clad cyclist traveling at a high speed in the opposite direction. And that’s before construction. Just over the hill near Newberg, traffic cones sit on the asphalt where shoulder meets the earth, pushing cyclists into the street with fast-moving vehicles. Angry at drivers, annoyed by that spandex-wearing cyclist and nearing my physical limit, I pushed on during my return ride, eventually coming to a shared path in Portland’s South Waterfront, where a sign directed me to dismount. While walking my bike, I pulled to the side and flattened myself against the fence to take a picture of that sign, and was passed by seven cyclists as I did. No one has the high ground here, and everyone is out for themselves. People in cars just usually have more power. After 90 miles of cycling, I figured I’d be more worn out. My legs were tired but not cramping and my ass was tender but not pained. I was really starting to hate cars, though.

Chase Bank Drive-Thru: The Revelation 7515 E Mill Plain Blvd., Vancouver, 360-750-3030, locator.chase.com/wa/ vancouver/10145.

BY CAR: Take I-205 north to Highway 14 west, exit at South Lieser Road, drive north to Mill Plain Boulevard and turn left. BY BIKE: Take the I-205 bike path to Vancouver, then follow a rather complex route to Mill Plain. Be sure to look up more specific directions. For my last ride, I made a 26-mile round trip to Chase Bank in Vancouver. The ride reminded me of having pit passes to a NASCAR race, where I recall marveling at the teamwork and skill of the pit crews, and being assaulted by the inhuman power of the engines. That was like being at the center of a hurricane, and yet somehow it felt more comfortable than the I-205 bridge bike path. The half-concrete tube provides protection from motor vehicles, but the isolation and unending whoosh of tires and engines feels like getting tossed around in the surf. And that was the nice part compared to my ride along underconstruction Mill Plain Boulevard. The night after that ride, I dreamt I was driving my car, riding my bike and traveling on foot. The car hit the bike, which hit the pedestrian, who punched the driver. I experienced each incident separately, switching from aggressor to victim each time I was knocked out. It repeated a few times, and I woke up mad and confused. I wanted to blame someone, but I knew who was at fault.

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

Explore Washington Park Three Easy Steps!

1 2 3

Take MAX to The Washington Park Station

uttle h S e e r F

Ride The Explore Washington Park Free Shuttle

SHUTTLE MAP

9 am - 7 pm Daily

Reservoirs

Lewis & Clark Entrance

Playground

Holocaust Memorial

Portland Japanese Garden

Int’l Rose Test Garden 2 MINUTE WALK

Enjoy These Destinations

Hoyt Arboretum

Rose Garden

Hoyt Arboretum

Archery Range

Vietnam Veterans Memorial

Portland Children’s Museum

Oregon Zoo Oregon Zoo

Japanese Garden

World Forestry Center

And more!

explorewashingtonpark.org

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

s e t u Every 15 M in

TRIMET MAX LIGHT RAIL STATION

Portland Children’s Museum World Forestry Center

Summer

E M I LY J O A N G R E E N E

uper alendar

SOMETHING TO DO EVERY DAY BETWEEN NOW AND FALL. BY R U SS E L L H AUS FE LD

Tuesday, June 28

There’s a lot happening throughout Portland over the summer, and between naked bike rides, historic rodeos and beer fests, it can be hard to know where to begin. So we’ve created a calendar with one awesome thing to do every single day between now and the arrival of the autumn chill. Get out there and have some fun before President Trump bombs Portland.

Mabel & Zora, the women’s boutique inspired by Doris Day and James Bond movies, will celebrate a decade of business with a live fashion premiere of owner Tiffany Bean’s summer collection, refreshments and deals on clothing. Mabel & Zora’s 10th Anniversary, 748 NW 11th Ave. 6-9 pm. Free.

Wednesday, June 22

Embrace the East and get drunk on rice wine.

The traditional Japanese beverage, sake can be served hot or cold. Either way, it’s being served in excess to downtown Portlanders. Sake Fest PDX, Hilton Portland & Executive Tower, 921 SW 6th Ave., sakefestpdx.com. 6:30-9 pm. $65 early admission. $55 regular admission. Thursday, June 23

Welcome summer with hemp and beads.

Other Worlds of Wonder will host a night of dancing, drumming and laughing around the sacred fire of Dionysus Grove. If the spirit of Dionysus manifests itself too strongly within you, it’s cool to stay and camp out, too. SunFest: Summer Solstice Festival, Vernonia, Ore., owow. org. June 23-26. $75 adults, $35 ages 13-17, $25 ages 7-12, $5 ages 3-6, free for 2 and under. Friday, June 24

Fuck aliens—ride bikes.

Break out your tin-foil hats to protect your brain waves from nosy aliens and government agencies as you ride and talk conspiracy. Watch out for fluoride and cell towers. Tin Foil Hat Bike Ride, Col. Summers Park, Southeast 20th Avenue and Belmont Street. 7 pm. Free. Saturday, June 25

Feel the breeze through your pubic hair!

Bikes and naked people: two of Portland’s defining features. Ride around with your clothes off and enjoy striking views throughout the city. World Naked Bike Ride, Mt. Scott City Park, 5530 SE Harold St. 8 pm. Free. Sunday, June 26

See real cats purrform tricks.

Cats walking tightropes, cats riding skateboards, cats playing in the only all-cat band in existence, Tuna and the Rock Cats. Yeah. Amazing AcroCats at the Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie Ave., 503-234-9694. 3 and 7 pm. $21-$36. Monday, June 27

Beat the heat, swim for free!

Creston Pool on Powell is free to swim every Monday this summer. Prep your floaties and Speedo and get in the water. Creston Pool, 4454 SE Powell Blvd. 1-4 pm. Free.

Celebrate 10 years of Portland style.

Wednesday, June 29

Enjoy homey vibes amid a bunch of tiny homes. Local bands, s’mores and tales around the bonfire can all be found each Wednesday night throughout the summer at the Tiny House Hotel. Caravan Campfires: Songs and S’mores, Tiny House Hotel, 5009 NE 11th Ave., 503-288-5225. 7-10 pm Wednesdays through Aug. 31. $10. Thursday, June 30

Buckle up yer chaps and git down to the state’s most historic rodeo! The St. Paul Rodeo is back for five days of buckin’, wranglin’, hootin’ and hollerin’. St. Paul Rodeo, 20025 4th St. NE, St. Paul, Ore., stpaulrodeo.com. 7:30 pm Thursday-Sunday, June 30-July 3. 1:30 pm Monday, July 4. $16-$26. Friday, July 1

Drink hyperlocal.

Beers, wines and ciders crafted strictly within city limits will be featured in this three-day festival. Eat, drink and be merry while appreciating Portland’s own craft brews. Portland Craft Beer Fest, 1099 NW Overton St. 4-10 pm SaturdayMonday, July 1-3. $25. Saturday, July 2

Get into the 1984 groove.

Bowie vs. Prince is over forever. But do you have strong opinions about Janet Jackson and Madonna? Come ride your bike in support of your preferred ’80s diva. Nipple rings optional but encouraged. Madonna vs. Janet Bike Ride, Peninsula Park, 700 N Rosa Parks Way. 7 pm. Free. Sunday, July 3

Indulge your inner nerd at WesterCon.

WesterCon, the summertime West Coast sci-fi convention, is being held in Portland this year, a first for Oregon. Plenty of guests like Bobak Ferdowsi—who served on the Mars Curiosity missions—will attend. West Coast Science Fantasy Conference, Portland Doubletree Hotel, 1000 NE Multnomah St., 503-281-6111. 8 am-midnight. $60 adults, $30 children. Monday, July 4

Go to Vancouver, buy fireworks, return to Oregon, set them off! But before 2 am, please. Tuesday, July 5

Groove to upbeat ska and jam bands at Mt. Tabor Park.

Ska, Americana and jam-band music will be flowing from Mount Tabor as part of Portland’s free summer concert series. Concerts in the Park: Americana, Ska and Jam Band Music at Mt. Tabor Park, Southeast 60th Avenue and Salmon Way. 6:30 pm. Free.

Wednesday, July 6

Venture to an outdoor screening of Pee-wee’s Big Adventure.

Pix Pâtisserie holds an outdoor movie night in its courtyard every Wednesday during the summer, showing quirky classics like The Blues Brothers, Rushmore and Pee-wee’s Big Adventure. Movies at Dusk at Pix, 2225 E Burnside St., 971-271-7166. Dusk Wednesday through Sept. 28. $5 minimum for food and drinks. Thursday, July 7

Rock out with the park fairies to Celtic folk music.

Part of Portland’s free concerts in the park series, Castletown—a local Celtic rock band—will be playing in Wallace Park, blending Irish staples with modern folk, blues and jazz influences. Castletown at Wallace Park, 1600 NW 25th Ave. 6:30 pm. Free. Friday, July 8

Get romantic or reconnect with your inner gentleman. Local loungeman Tony Starlight will cover Frank Sinatra at Fernhill Park for an evening of music, laughter and romance. Too bad you can’t have wine and extra-long cigarette holders in the park. Tony Starlight at Fernhill Park, 6010 NE 37th Ave. 6:30 pm. Free. Saturday, July 9

Bask in the shadow of Mount Hood while downing alcoholic cherry drinks.

Kriekfest, the all-cherry beer and cider festival, will take place in the blooming cherry orchards of Parkdale, Ore. Spend the night camping in the valley after you’ve finished drinking. Kriekfest at the Fruit Loop, 3020 Thomsen Road, Hood River. $25. Sunday, July 10

Clog up the Willamette with 2,500 other river lovers.

The Human Access Project hosts a parade down the Willamette each year to “give our river a hug” and celebrate the fact that—despite public perception—the river is approved for safe summer swimming. The Big Float launches from “Poet’s Beach” (west bank under the Marquam

Bridge). 11 am-6 pm. $5 through July 3, $10 day of event. Monday, July 11

See $1 movies at Joy Cinema and Pub!

Joy Cinema and Pub celebrates Dollar Mondays during the summer, when you can watch a movie for close to nothing and drink some beers. Joy Cinema and Pub, 11959 SW Pacific Highway. 4 pm. $1. Tuesday, July 12

Visit the ghosts of Portland’s past.

Learn about local haunts in Old Town, as well as Portland’s history with gangsters, prostitution, gambling and opium dens all while tasting beers from historic pubs. BeerQuest Haunted Pub Tour, 112 SW 2nd Ave. 7-9:30 pm. $40. Wednesday, July 13

Eat, drink and enjoy the best things in Portland at the Best of Portland party.

WW hosts a party to celebrate the publication of our annual Best of Portland issue. Barbecue, tunes, and the best of everything as judged by readers and staffers. Best of Portland Party, WW headquarters, 2220 NW Quimby St., 503-2432122. Free or $22, depending on much you want to eat and drink. Thursday, July 14

Go listen to some dude talk about camping… then go camping.

Author Dan White camped nude near cougars, then invaded a teenage girls’ slumber party, then read really deep books by Thoreau and Emerson, to explore our great American love of camping. Powell’s on Hawthorne, 3723 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 503-228-4651, powells.com. 7:30 pm. Free. Friday, July 15

Celebrate the freshest of the fresh berries.

This festival features the ripest, juiciest berries the Northwest has to offer with pies, jams and other treats. Oregon Berry Festival, Ecotrust event space, Northwest 10th Avenue and Johnson Street. 11 am-5 pm. Free.

CONT. on page 35 Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

DIGBOSTON/CC BY 2.0

Raekwon Saturday, July 16

Catch a classic in 70 mm.

Hollywood Theatre will screen classic films shot in 70 mm throughout the summer. The two options today are West Side Story and Aliens. Full schedule at hollywoodtheatre.org. Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy Blvd. Aliens at 2 and 10 pm, West Side Story at 6 pm. $9. Sunday, July 17

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

Come pick through people’s old belongings at the largest garage and antique sale in the Northwest. With over 1,000 total booths set up, you are bound to find something you like. NW’s Largest Garage/Antique Sale, Portland Expo Center, 2060 N Marine Drive. 9 am-5 pm. Free or $30 early admission.

Sunday, July 24

Smoke some weed in public! Unless you can’t!

The Oregon Cannabis Association will host a summertime bash for all the cannabis lovers in Portland. Which might be illegal, the way the OLCC has been making obnoxious noises. Or it might be awesome. Roll a joint, and roll the dice. The Summer Fair, 723 N Tillamook St. 11 am-9 pm. Free. Monday, July 25

Race other bikers on a car-free closed circuit.

River City Bicycles and Laurelwood Brewing Co. are hosting bike races every Monday, with different categories for beginners and experienced riders. Monday Night Bike Races, Portland International Raceway, 1940 N Victory Blvd. 5 pm registration. $15.

Monday, July 18

Tuesday, July 26

Take a trip to Haystack Rock at Cannon Beach to see nesting puffins. The wise seabirds will return to the ocean after the summer, so catch a glimpse of them while you can. Cannon Beach. Free.

Making up for no-showing his Project Pabst gig at the Crystal last summer, Ghostface Killah is coming back, and he’s bringing fellow killa bee Raekwon with him. Let’s just hope he doesn’t have any “trouble with his flight” this time around. Ghostface Killah at Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside St. 7 pm. $37.

Check out the puffin hatchlings at Cannon Beach!

Tuesday, July 19

Pucker up.

The 10th annual Puckerfest starts today. Local and international sour beers abound in this celebration of tartness. Puckerfest, Belmont Station, 4500 SE Stark St. Noon. Wednesday, July 20

Hop in a public pool for free.

Wednesdays are the day for swimming in Portland. Grant, Columbia, Sellwood and Buckman pools are all free and open to the public Wednesdays. There’s no excuse not to jump in and refresh yourself. Grant Pool, 2300 NE 33rd Ave., 1:15-3:15 pm. Columbia Pool, 7701 N Chautauqua Blvd., 2-3:50 pm. Sellwood Pool, 7951 SE 7th Ave., 7:20-8:20 pm. Buckman Pool, 320 SE 16th Ave., 1-3 pm. Free. Thursday, July 21

Drop into the weird world of Night Vale.

Listen to creepy tales from the fictional desert town of Night Vale, where podcast narrator Cecil Baldwin will recount the strange, amusing and disturbing news from the town. Welcome to Night Vale at Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway. 8 pm. $27.50-$32.50. Friday, July 22

Stare enviously at other people’s pets.

The Portland Kennel Club will host a dog show at the Portland Expo Center. Friday is specifically for special breeds, but Saturday’s portion of the event is open to all breeds. Stumptown Cluster-Portland Kennel Club Dog Show, Expo Center, 2060 N Marine Drive. 8 am. Free. Saturday, July 23

Watch more than 40 local bands play under the Hawthorne Bridge.

Have you outgrown the basement-party scene? PDX Pop Now—Portland’s most locally sourced music festival, now in its 16th year—is the best way to figure out what all the kids are wildin’ out to these days. PDX Pop Now, AudioCinema, 226 SE Madison St., pdxpopnow. com. Free. All ages. Starts July 22.

Fuck with Wu-Tang Clan.

Wednesday, July 27

Drink at the granddaddy of Oregon beer festivals.

The biggest is one of the best. The 29th annual Oregon Brewers Festival will serve more than 88 craft brews from around the country, as well as beer from international breweries as far away as Japan. Oregon Brewers Festival, Tom McCall Waterfront Park. Noon. Free entry, but $7 for a mug to drink with. Continues through Sunday, July 31. Thursday, July 28

Trek up to Vancouver for a taste of Hawaii.

Three Days of Aloha offers traditional instruction in Hawaiian dance, language, history and culture. Enjoy hula, music and a feast at the Thursday Night Pa’ina. Three Days of Aloha, multiple locations in Vancouver, Wash., hawaiianfestivalpnw.com. July 28-30. Friday, July 29

Portland stages will be full of free theater!

Contemporary plays will be dissected and put back together by writers, directors, actors and stage managers to see if they could do it better than the original. A slew of other theater events will be free throughout the city in celebration of JAW Playwrights Festival. First Regiment Armory Annex, 128 NW 11th Ave. July 29-31. Free. Saturday, July 30

Check out a march of mermaids along the waterfront. Una the Mermaid will lead a parade down Tom McCall Waterfront Park to Poet’s Beach for a mermaid swim and beach party. Portlandia Mermaid Parade, 2 NW Naito Parkway. Noon. Free. Sunday, July 31

“Float on” over to see Modest Mouse at Moda Center.

Drive a “Black Cadillac” (if you have one) to Moda Center to see a band that “The World at Large” seems to love. Buy some merch, and when someone “Dig(s) Your Grave,” maybe they’ll “Bury (You) With It”... Modest Mouse and Brand New, Moda Center, 1 N Center Court St. 7 pm. $40-$100.

CONT. on page 36 Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

BRIDGET BAKER

Monday, Aug. 1

Tuesday, Aug. 9

The Portland Farmers Market will be in Pioneer Courthouse Square for the afternoon, with tons of vendors and a potential 32,000 bystanders. Settle into your Monday morning sipping on coffee and taking in the many smells of the market. Pioneer Courthouse Square, 701 SW 6th Ave. 10 am-2 pm. Free. Tuesday, Aug. 2

Visit five of Portland’s best micro-roasters and get hyped as hell on all the caffeine you are about to consume. Smell the beans (oh, the beans…), meet the roasters, then crash hard on your couch later in the evening. Pearl District’s Specialty Coffee Tour, 721 NW 9th Ave., thirdwavecoffeetours.com. 10 am-1 pm. $40.

Start the month off with fresh, locally grown food.

Get acquainted with Portland’s many urban wineries.

Take a half-day tour that will get you in the loop about all the best wine to be had in Portland. You’ll also feast on locally sourced charcuterie. Portland Urban Wineries Half Day Tour, 815 SW Park Ave., 503-396-3929. 1:304:30 pm, 5:30-8:30 pm. $69. Wednesday, Aug. 3

See a hastily made movie.

Find out with the winners of Portland’s 48 Hour Film Project, in which teams have two days to produce short films. The 48 Hour Film Project, Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy Blvd. $9. Thursday, Aug. 4

Celebrate your bodies, you sexy Portlanders.

The Oregon Burlesque Festival is three days of bodypositive performances, including classic burlesque, comedy, manlesque and circus tricks. Oregon Burlesque Festival, Dante’s, 350 W Burnside St. Aug. 4-5. $20 one-day pass, $60 three-day pass.

Learn what LGBTQ lingo you can use.

Throwing Shade is a podcast that respectfully makes light of issues faced by the LGBTQ community. Catch hosts Erin Gibson and Bryan Safi at Mississippi Studios. Throwing Shade at Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi Ave. 8 pm. $20. Thursday, Aug. 11

Support your local Pickles.

Come out to a Portland Pickles home game for fanappreciation night, and appreciate them crushing the hell out of the Lodi Crushers. Lents Park, Southeast 92nd Avenue and Holgate Boulevard. 7 pm. $6-$12. Friday, Aug. 12

Support your local elephant garlic.

Bluegrass, Brit pop, rock and all-you-can-eat garlic contests. Who could ask for more? Elephant Garlic Festival, 30975 NW Hillcrest St., North Plains, Ore. Aug. 12-14. Free. Saturday, Aug. 13

Between the Wilco frontman’s solo performances, the reunited Wolf Parade’s first appearance in the Pacific Northwest in years, and sets from Beach House, Yo La Tengo and Mac DeMarco, it’s not a stretch to call this Pickathon’s biggest year ever. Pickathon, Pendarvis Farm, 16581 SE Hagen Road, pickathon.com. Weekend tickets are $290.

The Beloved Festival is a four-day camping, art and music festival that engages with an array of spiritual practices. Beloved promises to eradicate the illusion that we are all separate from one another, the earth and the Divine. Beloved Festival, Tidewater, Ore., belovedfestival.com. Aug. 12-15. $245 weekend pass. $90 pass for ages 12-17.

Lose your illusions at a Southern Oregon hippie fest.

Saturday, Aug. 6

Sunday, Aug. 14

Watch in awe as Portland takes on Spicy Tacos of Doom and Ghost Pepper Pizzas, and pass judgment on the world’s most yappy and annoying dog at the Chihuahua Beauty Pageant. Hot Sauce Fest at OMSI, 1945 SE Water Ave. 10 am-6 pm. $10 in advance, $15 day of show.

The 21st Providence Bridge Pedal will have rides for all levels of cyclists, taking you across all the majestic bridges of the city. For walkers, there is also the Providence Stride, which is a citywide walk that crosses the Fremont Bridge. Providence Bridge Pedal, 1631 NE Klickitat St., providence.org/bridge-pedal. $25-$60 depending on the ride.

Test your digestive tract.

Sunday, Aug. 7

Make it to Oregon before you die of dysentery!

Run in this 5k based on the Oregon Trail video game. Decide whether to ford a river, go hunting and more. Hopefully, nobody dies along the way. The Oregon Trail Game 5k, Main Street between 8th and 9th streets, Oregon City. 9 am. $35. Monday, Aug. 8

Blow your vuvuzela at a gay and lesbian soccer fest.

Witness the kickoff of the International Gay and Lesbian Football Association Championships, which are being held in Portland this year. 2016 IGLFA Championships, Delta Park, North Denver Avenue and Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd. Through Aug. 13. Free.

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

Wednesday, Aug. 10

Friday, Aug. 5

See Jeff Tweedy play in the forest.

Visit fancy-shmancy coffee roasters.

Ride your bike across every bridge in Portland.

Monday, Aug. 15

Quit brooding about Mondays and go see Broods!

The New Zealand trip-hop duo is making an appearance at the Roseland Theater. Expand your Consciousness inside “Four Walls” tonight. Roseland Theater, 10 NW 6th Ave., 503-224-2038, roselandpdx.com. $21.50. Tuesday, Aug. 16

Watch the Olympics from the bleachers at a giant new sports bar.

Go down to rooftop-equipped sports bar Century and witness world-record holder Jenny Simpson try to end a 44-year drought for the U.S. team by winning gold in the 1,500-meter race. See a pair of defending-champ hurdlers, and the comical, incessant failure inherent in the high jump. Ah, the absurdity! The Olympics! Century Bar, 930 SE Sandy Blvd., centurybarpdx.com.

Dance to Afrobeat in the park.

Wamba is Portland’s own world, African jazz and Afrobeat band. Willamette Park will be hosting them free to audiences. Wamba in the Park, Willamette Park, Southwest Macadam Avenue and Nebraska Street. 6:30 pm. Free. Thursday, Aug. 18

Shower under a waterfall in the Columbia River Gorge.

Wahclella Falls, named after a nearby Native American village, is one of the more accessible and well-maintained waterfalls in the Columbia River Gorge. 40 minutes from Portland: From I-84 east, take Exit 40 toward the Bonneville Fish Hatchery. Turn right at the first stop sign and drive roughly 100 feet to the trailhead parking lot. $5 recreation fee. Friday, Aug. 19

Help clean up your local trails…at a weekend party on the Hood River. Pacific Crest Trail Days celebrates everything outdoors, from outdoor gear, to hiking and biking, to trail cleanups. Pacific Crest Trail Days, Cascade Locks. Through Sunday, Aug. 21. Free to attend, $10 a night to camp. Saturday, Aug. 20

Wiggle your butt with a bunch of butt-wiggling Corgis! The ninth annual Corgi Walk in the Pearl raises money for the Oregon Humane Society. This year’s walk will be led by David “Voice of the Westminster Kennel Club” Frei. 9th Annual Corgi Walk in the Pearl, 235 NW Park Ave. 10 am. $25 to register one Corgi, $15 for additional Corgis. Sunday, Aug. 21

Play in the street at Sunday Parkways.

Affordable art from all over the Pacific Northwest will be gathered in Peninsula Park. Come to view, buy or register to sell your own art. Art in the Rose Garden, Peninsula Park, 700 N Rosa Parks Way. 11 am-4 pm. Free. Monday, Aug. 22

Hike to Pittock Mansion from Macleay Park for a beautiful view.

At the golden hour, after work, follow the Wildwood Trail for an easy hike from the Lower Macleay Park Trailhead to Pittock Mansion for a beautiful view of Portland. Take the Upper Macleay Trail on the way back down for a way more peaceful and less-crowded route back. Lower Macleay Park Trailhead, at the end of Northwest Upshur Street, trail directions at oregonhikers. org/field_guide/Pittock_Mansion_Hike. Free. Tuesday, Aug. 23

Feel the love tonight at The Lion King.

The circle of life that is the hit musical The Lion King comes around to Portland’s Keller Auditorium. Don’t miss this practically guaranteed success. The Lion King at Keller Auditorium, 222 SW Clay St. 7:30 pm. $36-$130. Wednesday, Aug. 24

Get down with some Latin jazz!

Son de Cuba, a Portland Latin jazz band, will play some dance-worthy tunes in Ventura Park. Ventura Park, Southeast 113th Avenue and Stark Street. Free. Thursday, Aug. 25

Drink 50 healthy, organic beers.

Try more than 50 different organic beers while listening to music and marveling at the stupendous views in Overlook Park. North American Organic Brewers Festival, Overlook Park, 1599 N Fremont St. Noon-9 pm Thursday-Saturday, noon-5 pm Sunday, Aug. 25-28. $7 for a drinking mug. Friday, Aug. 26

Keep the party going.

Chill out to with some cool jazz and fresh (or aged, I guess) de vin in Vancouver, baby. Vancouver Wine & Jazz Festival, Esther Short Park, Vancouver, Wash. 4-10 pm Friday ($20), 11 am-10 pm Saturday ($30), 11 am-9 pm Sunday ($25).

Sunday, Aug. 28

Just “Let It Happen” at MusicfestNW Presents Project Pabst.

Catch headlining act Tame Impala at the best music fest in the Northwest! Abandon your Lonerisms and follow the Currents of your Innerspeaker to start living in “The Moment.” MusicfestNW, multiple venues mostly along the waterfront. Noon-10 pm Saturday-Sunday, Aug. 27-28. $90 for weekend pass, $55 for day pass.

Text GETAPP to 77948

Monday, Aug. 29

Skip work and lose yourself in a giant corn maze.

Sauvie Island’s biggest corn maze, at Bella Organic Farm, has approximately 3 miles of start-to-finish pathways. You’re even welcome to bring your dog for this outdoors adventure. Bella Organic Farm, 16205 NW Gillihan Road. 10 am-5:30 pm. Free.

FREEDOWNLOAD

Tuesday, Aug. 30

See Malala be Malala.

Malala Yousafzai—who won the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize for her willingness to die rather than give up on her education—will be visiting Portland to talk about her life and answer questions from the audience. Moda Center, 1 N Center Court St. 7:30 pm. $29.

Large back patio!

Wednesday, Aug. 31

See Portland’s next big thing on screen.

This is the year to get into PFF before it gets big. Previously the sad little sibling to PIFF, the local festival is growing and improving, with indie films for eight days straight, plus Q&As with artists like The Benefits of Gusbandry creator and workshops throughout the city. Portland Film Festival, portlandfilmfestival.com. Aug. 29-Sept. 5. Free.

A Neighborhood Pub

Thursday, Sept. 1

Watch a symphony on the waterfront.

The fall arts season begins with the annual Waterfront Concert at Tom McCall Waterfront Park. Join up to 20,000 other Portlanders to watch performances by the Metropolitan Youth Symphony, Portland Youth Philharmonic, Portland Opera and Oregon Ballet Theater. Tom McCall Waterfront Park. 7 pm. Sept. 2 if it rains. Free. Friday, Sept. 2

Go camping with Sansa Stark and Gandalf.

Maxim called Faerieworlds “A Bonnaroo for Middle Earth.” So, if you like the Renaissance Fair and dayslong music festivals, this is for you! Faerieworlds, Horning’s Hideout, 21277 NW Brunswick Canyon Road. Through Sunday, Sept. 4. $150 three-day camping pass. $90 three-day non-camping pass, $40 one-day pass. Saturday, Sept. 3

Find some hidden gems in the Pearl.

The biggest, most fine art-centric of Portland’s summer craft fairs, Art in the Pearl is a curated festival of 100 artists, a singer-songwriter stage and hands-on activities. It is a First Thursday Art Walk with less berets, more dogs and affordable art displayed under E-Z Ups. Art in the Pearl Arts & Crafts Festival, Northwest 8th Avenue between Davis and Flanders streets. 10 am-6 pm Saturday and Sunday, 10 am-5 pm Monday. Free.

Happy Hour Daily 4-6 • Live Music

CONT. on page 39

8105 SE 7th Ave., Portland (503) 233-4410 H I L A R Y S A N D E R , S A R AV E Z A

Wednesday, Aug. 17

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Saturday, Aug. 27

Keep drinking! Why not?

Recover from your hangover by downing even more beer. Saraveza’s seventh annual IIPA Fest returns in all of its hoppy, sugary, deeply alcoholic goodness. IIPA Fest, 1004 N Killingsworth St. Through Aug. 28.

Street P.43 Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

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Sunday, Sept. 4

Ride a bike, transmutate into a dog.

The Tour de Lab is a bike tour with many stops where you are dressed in more and more dog attire as you pedal on. Ends with a big-ass hot-dog feast. Tour de Lab, starts at Lucky Lab Brew Pub, 915 SE Hawthorne Blvd. $29 adults, $10 children. Monday, Sept. 5

Stop and smell the dahlias.

It is Labor Day. It is Cheese Day. And it is the day of the largest single-grower dahlia festival in the world, with over 15,000 flowers and 400 arrangements. But don’t go looking for any black ones. They don’t exist. Swan Island Dahlias, 995 NW 22nd Ave., Canby, Ore., dahlias.com. Tuesday, Sept. 6

Jet Boats!

Jet freakin’ boats!!! Wednesday, Sept. 7

Run away to the Shanghai circus.

Come watch Chinese acrobats do tricks you only wish you could do. The Shanghai Acrobats are one of the most influential acrobatics companies in ever-so-acrobatic China. The Shanghai Acrobats of the People’s Republic of China in Portland, Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway. 7:30 pm. $25-$55. Thursday, Sept. 8

See pop-up art and pop into PICA’s new space.

The Portland Institute for Contemporary Art’s annual Time Based Art Festival takes over the city with concerts, art installations, dance and pop-up galleries at unexpected public places. The hub will be PICA’s new headquarters off Northeast Broadway, with events extending across the city for the next 10 days. Time Based Art Festival, pica.org. Through Sept. 18. Friday, Sept. 9

Refresh your Greek.

Sophocles’ classic Antigone gets updated by five top, contemporary American playwrights, including Tanya Barfield, to whom Profile Theater just dedicated an entire season. If you’ve forgotten, Antigone is the daughter/sister of Oedipus, who accidentally copulated with his mother. Juicy drama for a summer play. Fall Festival: Antigone Project in Portland, Artists Repertory Theatre, 1516 Southwest Alder St. 7:30 pm. $36. Saturday, Sept. 10

Eat yourself rotten at the world’s biggest fermentation festival. The largest fermentation festival in the world, they tell us, will be on 150 acres of Sauvie Island. Expect cider, mead, beer, wine, kimchi, the pre-eminent vinegars in Oregon, a DIY pickling station and so, so, so many pickles. Kruger’s Farm, 17100 NW Sauvie Island Road, oregonfermentationfestival.com. Sunday, Sept. 11

Flip pollution the bird—hopefully a bird without a plastic six-pack ring around its neck. Help clean up the Clackamas River before it flows downstream into our pristine Portland Harbor. Free barbecue for volunteers, too. Down the River Clean Up on the Clackamas, multiple cleanup locations, welovecleanrivers.org/complete-guide. 7 am.

Tuesday, Sept. 13

Get your “Summer Blood” pumping with Work Drugs.

You’re “Free to Roam” the city alone, but we recommend getting to the Doug Fir for a “Perfect Storm” of psychedelic dream pop from the duo Work Drugs. Work Drugs at Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside St. 9 pm. $9-$13. Wednesday, Sept. 14

Take a holiday from your average Wednesday night. Chill out at Pix Pâtisserie for a relaxing evening of macarons and Champagne while you watch a screening of Audrey Hepburn’s classic Roman Holiday. Pix Pâtisserie, 2225 E Burnside St. 7 pm. $5 minimum on food. Thursday, Sept. 15

Toss your partner around BridgeTown!

BridgeTown Swing is three days of competition, workshops and dance parties so you can swing the night away. BridgeTown Swing, 301 W 6th St., Vancouver, Wash., 360-993-4500. $125-$150 weekend pass, $25-$55 day pass. Friday, Sept. 16

Spite Trump, celebrate Mexican independence!

Mexican Independence Day is here, and Portland is thankfully over-prepared with tons of Mexican food, tortas and taquerias! WW ranked the best cervezas so you can get drunk Latin-style, too. El Grito y Fiestas Patrias, Moda Center, 1 N Center Court St. 11:30 am-10:30 pm. Free. Saturday, Sept. 17

Sneak into a Feast after-party.

Feast is the most moneyed of local food festivals, and the biggest, and the most intestine-stuffingly decadent. But the best parts are always the sodden afterparties. Scope it out, choose your moment, and eat the cheek off a pig while eavesdropping on drunken chefs. Feast Portland, www.feastportland.com. Prices and locations vary for each event. Sunday, Sept. 18

Put on your lederhosen and drink Oktoberfest bier. Celebrate the pagan harvest and bathe in the metaphorical blood of our Vaterland’s enemies, with Bavarian beers and chicken dancing at the 51st annual Mount Angel Oktoberfest! Mount Angel Oktoberfest, Mount Angel, Ore. $30 weekend pass, $10 day pass. Monday, Sept. 19

Expand your mind and conquer the universe!

People magazine’s pick for Sexiest Astrophysicist Alive, Neil deGrasse Tyson, will be coming to Portland to inspire the masses and raise our space-ial awareness. Keller Auditorium, 222 SW Clay St. 7:30 pm. $100-$125. Tuesday, Sept. 20

Raise the spirits of Katrina.

Hometown Cajun and bluegrass band the Pagan Jug Band has secured a spot playing at Ford Food and Drink every Tuesday this summer. If you’ve never danced to Cajun music, you have never truly enjoyed yourself. The Pagan Jug Band at Ford Food and Drink, 2505 SE 11th Ave. 6:30 pm. Free, all-ages happy hour. Wednesday, Sept. 21

Monday, Sept. 12

Pretend you’re Steve Zissou finding a jaguar shark.

Harvest Share shows up at PSU the second Monday of each month to bring free fresh fruits and veggies to the ramen-and-beer crowd. Harvest Share at PSU, 1825 SW Broadway. Noon. Free.

Thursday, Sept. 22

Anybody else hungry and poor? Pick up some free fruit!

Sigur Rós, in all its Icelandic glory, will be mesmerizing audiences at the Keller with its Hopelandic tunes. It’s your choice whether you want to laugh or cry. Keller Auditorium, 222 SW Clay St. 8:30 pm. $59.50$79.50.

Summer is over. You may now hibernate.

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

C EL

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“We all have our mild masochist side, and mine is prepared for the worst.” page 65

STARTERS

BITE-SIZED PORTLAND CULTURE NEWS.

JENNIFER RABIN

CONDUIT CLOSING: Conduit Dance Inc. will close and terminate all classes by late July. In a June 15 press release, the 21-year-old Portland company cited “lack of affordable space in Portland for nonprofits” as the main reason for closing its studio in Southeast’s Ford Building. Conduit moved there after being kicked out of downtown’s Pythian Building by an international fitness company last March. “Finding space in Portland is really complicated right now,” says company spokeswoman Jen Hackworth. “We are running out of energetic and financial resources.” Conduit’s last day will be July 22. The company is planning to hold a “wake” July 13, when the public can say goodbye. J’S FOR JESUS: If you saw people smoking joints at Pride, they might not have been just casual tokers but part of a political protest. Two artists celebrated Pride on June 18 by rolling joints out of Bible pages bearing what they consider homophobic passages. The idea came from local artists Jennifer Rabin (who is also WW’s art critic) and Ross Lee, who found a strain called God’s Gift, searched 10 Goodwill stores for Bibles and offered the Jesus J’s to Pride-goers. Only one person declined a joint. “I think they just weren’t a smoker,” Rabin says. Everyone else loved the idea—“They were like, ‘I am on it. Give it to me right now,’” Rabin says. HOP ALONG: Beer-and-wine patio bar the Hop & Vine announced it is closing after eight years at its North Killingsworth Street location. “My husband and I have decided not to renew the lease as the expense to proceed with a new lease was too great,” owner Yetta Vorobik-Yakobson wrote. The owners say they hope to reopen Hop & Vine in a different location, with a similar ambiance and larger kitchen. The space was previously a market and a salon before being remodeled between 2007 and 2009.

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

M I C H A E L S H AY

WHAT THE FIGHT: A fistfight between artists and security broke out onstage last weekend at What the Festival in Dufur, Ore., cutting one group’s set short and leaving some of the festival’s equipment at the bottom of a pool. According to a thread on Reddit, Sacramento production duo Hippie Sabotage became upset after pervasive technical difficulties, and midway through its performance began throwing microphones into a nearby wading pool. The two artists then climbed atop their gear table and became violent when security guards intervened. “It was so disgusting and disrespectful, and they were completely at fault,” says attendee Meghan Kearney. In a statement to WW, Hippie Sabotage says security instigated the incident. “It was an unfortunate event that placed us in an unsafe situation in the middle of our performance,” the group says, adding that security apologized afterward. On Twitter, Hippie Sabotage said it paid the festival for the damaged equipment. (Representatives from What the Festival did not immediately respond to requests for comment.) “We feel terrible that the fans didn’t get the full set,” the group says. “But we love performing for Portland and will be back.”

Headout

GO: THE AMAZING ACRO-CATS are at Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie Ave., on Saturday and Sunday, June 25-26 25-26. 3 and 8 pm Saturday, 1 and 6 pm Sunday. $21-$36. Under 21 permitted with legal guardian.

I L L U S T R AT I O N S B Y E L I S E E N G L E R T

WHAT TO DO THIS WEEK IN ARTS & CULTURE

CAT POWER TRYING OUT FOR THE AMAZING ACRO-CATS BY MATTHEW SIN GER

Like having a child, owning a cat in 2016 is primarily an avenue toward viral fame. Yes, the companionship is great. But if you play your Instagrams and Snapchats right, your little furball can become a cash cow. Sadly, in the two years I’ve owned my cat, he has failed me. Sure, his photos get an OK amount of likes, and he even appeared in WW earlier this year. And yet, here I

msinger@wweek.com

am, no more internet rich than I was before I got him. I’m not giving up, though. This week, Portland welcomes the Amazing Acro-Cats, a traveling troupe of skilled felines that has been trained to jump through hoops, walk tightropes, even play music—all things my little guy could totally do.

HERE IS MY FORMAL ACRO-CATS APPLICATION. NAME: Louis AGE: 3 GENDER: We’ve chosen to identify him as male

until further notice. BREED: Is it possible for a baby otter, a cartoon skunk and a corgi to procreate and produce a cat somehow? If so, that’s his breed. WEIGHT: Roughly that of a Safeway party sub. HEIGHT: Roughly that of a Safeway party sub propped up against a wall. STRENGTHS: Enjoys human interaction to an almost suspicious degree. Has a 13-inch vertical. Is an angel from heaven. Looks great in a bow tie. WEAKNESSES: Takes an inordinate amount of time to leap small distances. Adept at scaling tall objects, but looks like someone freaking out on a water slide coming down. Hasn’t yet ﬁgured out how to catch ﬂying insects and glints of light. Has a “girl head,” according to his vet. Kind of an asshole at night. MUSICAL ABILITY: Limited, though he sometimes makes this noise that sounds like AutoTuned gobbling.

SIGNATURE TRICKS THE WALL WALK: Builds up a head of steam by

furiously sprinting around the apartment, then propels himself up a flat surface like Bo Jackson running down a fly ball. THE SCALING OF KILIMANJARO: Skitters up his scratching post like a contestant on American Ninja Warrior, then stands triumphantly on top. As previously noted, it takes him a while to get down. THE LOG ROLL: Leaps from a standing position and clings to my shirt, clawing his way up to my shoulder. When I lean over to deposit him on a couch or the floor, he runs in the opposite direction until I give up, and he falls asleep draped across my back for 20 minutes. THE FETCH: It’s just him playing fetch. But he started doing it with no prompting or training. In fact, he basically trained us to throw his dumb toys so he can bring them back.

THURSDAY JUNE 23 Jessy Lanza

[ELECTRONIC POP] On her sophomore album, Oh No, Canadian singer-producer Jessy Lanza proves yet again how vital and innovative the pop idiom can be in 2016. With her intensely catchy melodies and ultra-girly voice, Lanza comes across like a chilled-out version of Grimes—euphoric, infectious and just the right amount of strange. Doug Fir Lounge, 830 E Burnside St., 503-231-9663. 9 pm. $12 advance, $14 day of show. 21+.

FRIDAY JUNE 24 Fruit Cider Invitational

This is how to do a cider fest: lamb gyros and live music and two days of ciders of all stripes— free admission, $2 for a 4-ounce taste, and $6 for a full glass. Ciders include an excellent Cider Riot hopped strawberry that premiered at the Fruit Beer Fest, limited-edition cask-conditioned ciders, and one-offs from Nat’s, Baird & Dewar, and Apple Outlaw. Cider Riot, 807 NE Couch St., ciderriot.com. Through June 25.

Benjamin Clementine

[EXPRESSIONIST PIANO] Oftbarefoot pianist Benjamin Clementine is a transfixing figure, in both sound and stature. At Least For Now, the Londoner’s Mercury Prizewinning debut, pairs haunting arrangements with the raw, emotional gut punches of Nina Simone. Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell St., 503-246-8686. 9 pm. $15 advance, $18 day of show. All ages.

SATURDAY JUNE 25 Get High and Do Yoga

[OMMM] Two studios are hosting bud-friendly yoga classes. OmYeah Yoga’s Buddha Bud includes complimentary marijuana before and munchies after class. Though not technically cannabis-themed, Bob Marley Yoga is a DJed flow on the rooftop of Yoga Union led by one of Portland’s most badass teachers. OmYeah Yoga, 2377 NW Westover Road, omyeah.com. 6 pm. $30. Yoga Union, 2305 SE 50th Ave., Suite 100, yogaunioncwc.com. 7:30 pm. $20.

YGB Daytime Party Vibes

[PARTY IN THE STREET] The other Portland Saturday Market is this alt-street fair on MLK. This week, it’s amping up the music with Lamar LeRoy, an XRAY DJ who builds his own speakers by hand, and Akela Jaffi, who is breaking from House of Aquarius to start her solo career this summer. 4709 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd. 3 pm. Free.

TUESDAY JUNE 28 Mabel & Zora’s 10th Anniversary

[SHOP ’N’ POP] Your first chance to see and buy the new line from Tiffany Bean, one of Portland’s best and most Brigitte Bardot-inspired designers, is at M&Z’s birthday party, with drinks, giveaways and 25 percent off. Mabel & Zora, 748 NW 11th Ave., mabelandzora. com. 6 pm. Free. Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com 45

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Great Summertime Grilling Ideas! Yakiniku Japanese BBQ Yakiniku is a Japanese style of grilling bite sized meats and vegetables and Fubonn Supermarket has all the ingredients you need to experience this authentic Japanese style barbecue.

Ingredients: • • • • • • • • • •

Selection of meats and vegetables of your choice Yakiniku sauce 100ml soy sauce shichimi japanese chilli powder 1 clove of garlic grated ginger 1 tbsp sesame seeds 1/2 tbsp sesame oil 4 tbsp sugar 1/2 tbsp spicy chilli paste (optional)

How To Prepare:

To make the yakiniku dipping sauce, add the soy sauce, sugar, shichimi, grated garlic and grated ginger into a bowl and mix well. Sprinkle in the sesame seeds as you continue to mix the other ingredients. Then add the sesame oil in the same way while you mix everything together. Pour a small amount of the finished sauce into smaller serving bowls for each person. Slice all your yakiniku meat and vegetables into small, thin bitesize pieces before lighting up your barbecue or begin heating the grill plate on a portable stove placed on the table. Start adding the meat and vegetables to the grill and allow to cook for a few moments before turning over and finish cooking on the other side. Of course, the finer that you slice the ingredients, the faster they will cook. Once the items are cooked, take from the grill plate or barbecue, dip into your yakiniku sauce and enjoy. Yakiniku is best served with rice on the side.

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Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

503-517-8877

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*Restaurant Hours may vary from mall hours

FOOD & DRINK By MATTHEW KORFHAGE. Editor: MARTIN CIZMAR. Email: dish@wweek.com. See page 3 for submission instructions.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 22 Sake Fest PDX

Sake drunk is the most pleasant form of drunk—light and buzzy. And while the 100-plus sakes and food pairings at Sake Fest are theoretically for wouldbe connoisseurs, it’s nice there are no tickets to limit how many sakes you can try. Hilton Portland, 921 SW 6th Ave., sakefestpdx.com 6:30-9 pm. $55.

Softer, Softest PORTLAND SOFT-SERVE ICE CREAM, RANKED.

Chef Mark Otey’s pan-seared duck breast with brandy cherry glaze—paired with Lompoc brewer Brian Keilty’s 4-year-old sour cherry stout—offers both richness and complexity, while the pink peppercorn and apricot salad two courses prior makes the brewery’s Mystical Apricorn Belgian pale sing like a church choir. Expect five other beerpaired courses of equal caliber. PARKER HALL. Sidebar, 3901 N Williams Ave., 503-288-3996. 6 pm. $65.

Remember a few years ago, when artisanal hard-packed ice cream was all the rage? Everybody in Portland was lining up for dense scoops of bee pollen and cilantro topped with dehydrated creme brulee. Well, as with all food cycles, things have swung back around. Soft is the new hard, and so SaniServ machines are popping up across Portland, squirting out light, sweet frozen treats. We licked our way around the city. Here’s how they stack up.

FRIDAY, JUNE 24

1. Wiz Bang Bar

Lompoc Beer Pairing Dinner

Fruit Cider Invitational

This is how to do a cider fest: lamb gyros, live music and two days of ciders of all stripes—free admission, $2 for a 4-ounce taste, and $6 for a full glass, with ciders that include a seriously excellent Cider Riot hopped strawberry, limited-edition cask-conditioned ciders, and one-offs from Nat’s, Baird & Dewar, and Apple Outlaw. Through June 25. Cider Riot, 807 NE Couch St., ciderriot. com. 4 pm.

SUNDAY, JUNE 27 Sous Nami Smackdown

Think of it as Iron Sous Chef: At Slabtown French spot St. Jack, the sous chefs from Taylor Railworks (Trevor Payne), Russian spot Kachka (Matthew Wickstrom) and Spanishmodernist Ataula (Chad Norman) will throw down with dishes made from “mystery ingredients” announced on the spot. The winner will be judged by Naomi Pomeroy (Beast), Greg and Gabi Denton (Ox) and some schmuck with a pen. St. Jack, 1610 NW 23rd Ave, 503-360-1281. $10 nets admission and a cocktail.

Pine Street Market, 126 SW 2nd Ave., 503-384-2150, saltandstraw.com/wizbangbar. 10 am-11 pm daily. We had: This is one of our favorite new spots in town, so we’ve had pretty much everything in seven visits. Get one of the sundaes ($8.50). The much-hyped new soft-serve spot from the overhyped Salt & Straw, Wiz Bang is already drawing big lines at the downtown food court that houses it. Well, look for us in line. The soft serve is good, but nothing groundbreaking. The sundaes made from that soft serve, on the other hand, are exquisite—each built on a starchy treat from the in-house pastry program and sauced and sprinkled with exceptional accoutrements. MARTIN CIZMAR.

2. Basilisk

820 NE 27th Ave., 503-234-7151. 11 am-10 pm daily. We had: Watermelon and grape cones ($2.50). This new spot in the Zipper pod is quickly gaining acclaim for monstrous, golden-fried chicken sandwiches. Basilisk has a breaking ball, too—soft-serve cones and cups flavored with a rotating selection of Kool-Aid. The soft serve is the densest and sweetest in town—even more so when the machine was on the fritz—and the candied sweetness of the Kool-Aid walks dangerously close to the edge. It stuck just to the right side of richness for us, and gets bonus points for the rotating flavors and the low price for cones. MARTIN CIZMAR.

3. Nong’s Khao Man Gai

1. Please Louise

1505 NW 21st Ave., 503-946-1853. The basic, modern pizzeria that Slabtown needed—with restrained cocktails and well-made dough. $$.

2. Sadie Mae’s

10530 SE Washington St., 503-257-0660. Reel M Inn chicken, but uncrowded and in Gateway. Great. $.

3. Hat Yai

1605 NE Killingsworth St., 503-764-9701. Thai chicken and fresh, earthy, complex flavors. $$.

4. Garagiste

1225 N Killingsworth St., 503-954-3959, janmarcwinecellars.com. A great spot in food-starved North Portland, with hyper-fresh local ingredients like Oregon-caught steelhead trout. $-$$.

5. Laurelhurst Market

3155 E Burnside St., 503-206-3097, laurelhurstmarket.com. Near-perfect, spicy parking-lot chicken. $.

MEGAN NANNA

Highly recommended.

TASTE-OFF

609 SE Ankeny St., Suite C., 503-740-2907. 11 am-9 pm daily. We had: Coconut-lemongrass ice cream ($4), Thai iced tea float ($6) The coconut ice cream at Thai chicken spot Nong’s Khao Man Gai may be the most single-mindedly sumptuous soft serve in town, a fatsugar wallop of coconut milk and half-and-half that fades to fragrant undercurrents of lemongrass and pandan leaf. And for a couple bucks extra, you can drop your scoop into a bittersweet, floral tea float that’s basically an uptown take on Thai iced tea. It’s terrific. But nonetheless on our recent visit, the soft-serve machine must have been having some trouble with temperature control: Every sixth bite or so contained the distracting crunch of an ice crystal. MATTHEW KORFHAGE.

4. Cheese & Crack Snack Shop

22 SE 28th Ave., 503-206-7315, cheeseandcrack.com. 10 am-10 pm daily. We had: Espresso-sprinkled soft serve on a ganachefilled cake cone ($3), marshmallow-cookie-ganache sundae ($7). Cheese & Crack is basically a picnic with windows. And every sunny afternoon, you might see kids at this posh Kerns shop who look like they speak French. But screw ’em: This is soft serve for adults. To drive the point home, you can get your sweet-cream soft serve dusted liberally with espresso powder— balancing custardy sweetness with bitter tannins, and stacking your sugar high with a caffeine jolt. The $7 sundae, meanwhile, is a semi-frozen take on the s’more: a heavenly cake of singed marshmallow on top, cookie in the middle, and rich ganache on the bottom. But you know what? Same as with s’mores,

keeP bangin’: Wiz bang bar has the best soft serve in town. that rich chocolate base is as much distraction as bonus. The marshmallow-cinnamon top is, however, a work of art. MATTHEW KORFHAGE.

5. The Maple Parlor

3538 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 503-206-4757, themapleparlor.com. Noon-9 pm Tuesday-Thursday, noon-10 pm Friday-Saturday, noon-6 pm Sunday. We had: Regular-sized cashew maple and summer almond cherry blend ($5.25). The Maple Parlor’s mission is to be dietarily versatile— it has traditional soft serve and froyo, but also vegan, gluten-free, paleo and low-glycemic options. And yet, there’s something good enough to feel indulgent for anyone. A young boy stared me down in the lobby, and as our eyes met, he provocatively smiled and raised his eyebrows with all the grace and sleaze of a 60-yearold bachelor, as if to say, “You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into, honey.” Well, he was right. The cherry lurking beneath that summer almond flavor added just enough sweetness, while still letting the nuts hang in the forefront. RUSSELL HAUSFELD.

HENRY CROMETT

= WW Pick.

6. Cruiser’s Drive-In

2515 SE 136th Ave., 503-761-1151. 11 am-10 pm Sunday-Thursday, 11 am-11 pm Friday. We had: A small cone with ice cream heaped 4 inches over the brim ($1.75), with a green apple flavor burst (20 cents). Cruiser’s has been cruising since the 1950s fetish of the ’80s—previously, it was Double E’s—and it has that oddly canned feeling of a replica, with checkerboard blue floors, pink walls and claw-crane toy machines. You can neglect the burgers, and shun the fries. But the soft-serve menu offers strange innovations. For a mere two extra dimes, you can blast your unholy towering swirl of sugary chocolate or vanilla basilisk soft serve with any mix of 10 “flavor bursts,” from butter pecan to blackberry to a chemical-tart, neon-green apple that is almost awe-inspiring in its trashiness. It tastes like a childhood ill-spent and fondly remembered. MATTHEW KORFHAGE.

7. Dairy Queen

5605 SE Division St., 503-235-0238. 11 am-9:30 pm Sunday-Thursday, 11 am-10 pm Friday-Saturday. We had: Royal Rocky Road Blizzard, cherry dipped cone, Dilly bar, hot fudge sundae with nuts, Oreo Blizzard. This Division drive-thru has barely changed in 47 years. I know this because my parents met up there so they could make out on Mount Tabor, and because I carb-loaded there before soccer games at Franklin High School across the street. One thing that has changed is the view of the high school. Once the most picturesque ode to secondary education in the city, Franklin’s marvelous façade is now partially obstructed by the monstrous wall of the newly built athletic center. Fortunately, the soft serve on hand is still singular: creamy, sweet and inoffensive. It’s even better in a Blizzard. JORDAN GREEN.

8. Mike’s Drive-In

1707 SE Tenino St., 503-236-4537; 3045 SE Harrison St., Milwaukie, 503-654-0131; 905 7th St., Oregon City, 503 656-5588; mikesdrivein.com. 10 am-10 pm Monday-Thursday, 10 am-11 pm Friday-Saturday, 11 am-10 pm Sunday. We had: Strawberry soft serve (99 cents). Mike’s Drive-In really wants to give you soft-serve ice cream. Usually only 99 cents a cone or free with the purchase of a basket meal on family night, it’s difficult to leave Mike’s without soft serve in hand. I bought the strawberry soft serve and was given almost double the amount compared to a $3.95 cone at Back to Eden Bakery. The dairy-rich, no-frills glob of pink unicorn poop I got from Mike’s inspired a wave of nostalgia for the homey Midwestern dairy barns and diners of my childhood. RUSSELL HAUSFELD.

9. RingSide Grill Glendoveer

14021 NE Glisan St., 503-255-0750, ringsidegrill.com. We had: Strawberry custard sundae ($7.50). Very few people know this, but there are some rich people in Gresham. And when those rich people want a bloody steak after playing 18 holes, this is where they go. Originally branded RingSide East and mirroring the stuffy West Burnside steak house, this clubhouse restaurant at the Glendoveer Golf Course rebooted last year. Instead of focusing on chocolate mousse and creme brulee, the Glendoveer location has a soft-serve frozen custard machine and makes sundaes. The custard itself is less rich than most and had some crystals, and RingSide was out of shortcake, so we got a makeshift version with super-sweet roasted strawberries and pillowy toasted marshmallows. MARTIN CIZMAR.

10. Sunshine Tavern

3111 SE Division St., 503-688-1750, sunshinepdx.com. 5-10 pm Tuesday-Thursday, 5-11 pm Friday, noon-11 pm Saturday, noon-10 pm Sunday. We had: Soft serve ($6) with magical shell ($2), pie crumble ($1) and sprinkles ($1). We had the misfortune of catching Sunshine Tavern’s soft-serve machine early in the day, so the melty consistency of the sundae was excusable. The flavor was not: tinny and insubstantial on the tongue, dried out by the pie crumble (aka ground graham crackers) and sprinkles, which should not cost $1. Some redemption can be found in the magic shell, a generous pour of hot fudge that serves as a counterpoint to the watered down vanilla base. JORDAN GREEN.

11. Back to Eden Bakery

2217 NE Alberta St., 503-477-5022; Southeast Division Street and 28th Place (cart); backtoedenbakery.com. Alberta: 8 am-10 pm daily. Division: 10 am-6 pm Sunday-Wednesday, 9 am-9 pm Thursday-Saturday. We had: Vanilla-chocolate twist ($3.95). Soft serve has a pretty high floor. And so there is nothing terrible about Back to Eden’s options: vanilla and chocolate. We included this option so people living a plant-based lifestyle have an option. The vanilla-chocolate twist cone I tried was creamy and melted in my mouth, leaving a sugary film coating my lips like you would expect of average soft serve. RUSSELL HAUSFELD.

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

MUSIC FEATURE

= WW Pick. Highly recommended. Prices listed are sometimes for advance ticket sales. At-the-door increases and socalled convenience charges may apply. Event lineups are subject to change after WW’s press deadlines. Editor: MATTHEW SINGER. TO BE CONSIDERED FOR LISTINGS, go to wweek.com/ submitevents and follow submission directions. All shows should be submitted two weeks or more in advance of event. Press kits, CDs and especially vinyl can be sent to Music Desk, WW, 2220 NW Quimby St., Portland, OR 97210. Please include show or release date information with all physical mailings. Email: msinger@wweek.com. Fax: 243-1115.

Boogarins, Coma Serfs, Dan Dan

[PSYCH-ROCK] Boogarins is the best band you’ve never heard. The quartet calls Brazil home but has been touring extensively since releasing standout sophomore record, Manual, last year. It sounds like a contradiction, but Boogarins manages to excel at both sonic ﬂuidity and math-y song structures—things bands spend decades trying to perfect. Frontman Dinho Almeida, who bears a striking resemblance to a young Jimi Hendrix, is as cool and conﬁdent as they come, and singing in its native Portuguese only enhances to the complex musicality at play when Boogarins is on stage. This is the best $8 you’ll spend in some time. MARK STOCK. Bunk Bar, 1028 SE Water Ave. 9:30 pm. $8. 21+.

The Pack A.D., Gaytheist, Foxy Lemon

[GARAGE ROCK] Becky Black and Maya Miller are a Vancouver, B.C., duo whose early output took the minimal sonic aesthetics of the White Stripes and married it to the sneering, allblack cool of the Kills. After three records of trebly, stripped-down rock, last year’s Do Not Engage adopted a wider spectrum of inﬂuences, resulting in a balanced eﬀort that sees the Pack A.D.’s minimal chic veer into psych, girl-group harmonies and classic New York punk. CRIS LANKENAU. Doug Fir Lounge, 830 E Burnside St. 9 pm. $12. 21+.

M AT T G R A C E

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 22

CONT. on page 51

TOP

FIVE GREAT RECENT MUSIC PARODIES “Red Hot Chili Peppers” (aka Jon Daly), “Abracadabralifornia”

Parodying the Chili Peppers is like shooting funky fish in a humptybumpty barrel, but comedian Jon Daly got it down to a science for this one-off gag, to the point that the crooned L.A. freeway directions, scat-rap gobbledygook and noodly bassline convinced a few people that it was actually the band’s new single.

2 “Kanye West” (aka Local Business Comedy), Kreezus A Christmas-themed remake of ’Ye’s harshest album just sort of writes itself. The titles alone (“New Sleighs,” “I Am a Claus”) are enough to induce giggle fits, even before the Jay Pharoah-worthy Yeezy impressionist delivers the line, “Hurry up with my damn egg nog!” 3 Father John Misty as Lou Reed, “Blank Space” An Inception-level satire from the Andy Kaufman of soft rock, the former J. Tillman’s response to the “grotesque stunt” of Ryan Adams’ full-album cover of Taylor Swift’s 1989 mashes up Swift’s “Blank Space” and “I’m Waiting for the Man,” with Tillman channeling Reed in all his wheezing, a-hooing glory. 4 “Sun Kil Moon” (aka Morgan Enos), Under the Canopy If anyone deserves to have every ounce of piss surgically removed from his body, it’s Mark Kozelek, but this three-song EP is less a mockery than a freakily accurate tribute, with titles like “I Watched the Movie The Revenant With Leo DiCaprio” and such existential musings as “The world was a beautiful place and I would have died here/ Which brings me back to the really great Mexican food that I ate.” 5 Helper, Watch the Stove Who knows beef better than Hamburger Helper? So perhaps it shouldn’t come as a surprise that its anthropomorphic glove mascot dropped the most fire rap mixtape of the year. For real, it’s probably the successfully hip viral marketing stunt ever. Talk about going ham, am I right? MATTHEW SINGER.

BUSINESS MAJORS: Flight of the Conchords’ Bret McKenzie (left) and Jemaine Clement.

The Kings of Comedy WHY FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS IS THE ONLY JOKE BAND THAT MATTERS. BY MATTHEW SIN GER

msinger@wweek.com

Peeks head around corner. Looks to see if anyone is listening. Clears throat, takes deep breath. Weird Al isn’t funny! Oh God, that’s going to get me a shitload of hate mail, isn’t it? It’s like the last hot music take to come off the grill. At this point, I’d probably be better off arguing that Coldplay is better than Radiohead or writing an anti-Beyoncé think piece. No critic that I can tell has dared question the sanctity of His Weirdness, probably because doing so only makes you appear like a joyless twat. But I’m not! I might be a twat, but I am plenty joyful, I swear! And like everyone else, I grew up on Weird Al. When you’re a kid, there’s nothing funnier than a guy with a goofy voice replacing the words in a popular song with different words that sound vaguely the same. And I still support the idea of Weird Al. We’re always going to need someone to take the piss out of pop-star self-seriousness. But does he make me laugh? Not since junior high. It’s not even about Al, really, but his chosen idiom. They say puns are the lowest form of humor. In truth, it’s musical comedy. Whenever a comic pulls out a guitar—or an accordion—my body involuntarily curls into itself. Again, I am not a man devoid of mirth. Warren Zevon’s gallows wit is precisely what makes him one of my favorite songwriters, and my disproportionate love of the Darkness from the fact that no one can tell if their reheated glam-metal act is serious or not. When it lapses into “joke band” territory, however, in almost all cases, it’s just bad music propping up bad jokes. Of course, there are exceptions, usually when it’s a one-off gag at the expense of a specific artist or idea (see sidebar). When it comes to bands working full-time in “comedy music,” though, there’s only one that matters: Flight of the Conchords. Like most everyone else, I discovered the duo of Jemaine Clement and Bret McKenzie—“the fourth most popular digi-folk novelty act in New

Zealand”—through their eponymous HBO series. Where This Is Spinal Tap was a send-up of rock ’n’ roll at its most ridiculously extravagant heights, the Flight of the Conchords television show depicted the absurd bottom, when the pursuit of the rock-’n’roll dream renders you so broke you’re considering buying second-hand underpants. In its two seasons, the pair struggled to launch a music career out of a cramped, one-bedroom New York apartment, with an inept Kiwi bureaucrat as their manager, an obsessed stalker as their only fan and a financial situation so precarious that the purchase of a new teacup threatens to put them on the streets. It was ultimately a show about creative ambition chaffing against harsh reality, and as the saying goes, it’s funny because it’s true. They mined the inherent silliness of struggling for art in a way that suggested the real Bret and Jemaine know the hardships of the fictional Bret and Jemaine intimately. That struggle—to live the dream while also living everyday life—wasn’t just reflected in the show’s narrative but in the songs that surrounded it. They try to be sex machines (“Business Time”) while “tripping sensuously” over their pants. They try to be gangsta rappers (“Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros”) but are much too polite. They try to be Marvin Gaye (“Think About It”) and Pet Shop Boys (“Inner City Pressure”) but can barely afford to buy a bag of muesli. They try to be Bowie (“Bowie”) and, well, they actually pull off a reasonable facsimile. With Flight of the Conchords, there’s an embedded honesty you’re not going to get from, say, Tenacious D. It also helps that the songs are catchy enough to keep coming back to even after the jokes wear off. And, you know, maybe they’re just flat-out funnier than everyone else, too. Sorry, but I prefer deadpan raps about drinking tea with nana than the broad strokes of most other musical comedy. Well, “Dick in a Box” is still pretty good. But, you know, the Lonely Island isn’t really real. Bret and Jemaine are. SEE IT: Flight of the Conchords plays Keller Auditorium, 222 SW Clay St., on Friday and Saturday, June 24-25. 8 pm. Sold out. All ages.

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

MUSIC THURSDAY, JUNE 23 Shark Pact, Old City, Backbiter

[PUNK] Despite its size, Olympia has quite the musical pedigree. Punk bands in particular thrive in the small Washington town. The latest oﬀering is Shark Pact, a raucous act that simply doesn’t take no for an answer. The duo, sometimes backed by a few friends when recording or on tour, creates sweaty, panting, forceful punk rock not unlike that of the early Thermals. Gritty as Shark Pact can be, there’s an underlying anthemic quality that is both inviting and ﬁst-raising. MARK STOCK. The Know, 2026 NE Alberta St. 8 pm. Call venue for ticket prices. 21+.

FRIDAY, JUNE 24 King Khan and the Shrines

[PSYCHEDELIC SOUL] The unhinged Canadian expat— who recently made headlines for mooning Lindsay Lohan at Cannes—has been chugging around on a raunchy, frantic, James Brown-esque road show for nearly two decades now. His last album, Idle No More, saw Khan join the Merge Records family and smoothed the garage-punk racket of his previous eﬀorts into a tighter brand of soul funk. Imagine Ike and Tina backed by the Black Lips. CRIS LANKENAU. Dante’s, 350 W Burnside St. 9 pm. $13. 21+.

Ben Harper & the Innocent Criminals, the Jack Moves

[THE BOYS ARE BACK] Like Michael Franti and the Avett Brothers, Ben Harper is a mainstay on the summer concert circuit. The L.A. native churns out a reliable roots-rock record every couple years, though his more

recent work has often lacked the urgency and cohesion afforded by his live backing band, the Innocent Criminals. Call It What It Is represents his first studio session with the band in nearly a decade, and with that comes an eclectic mix of reggae, blues and sentimental soul stemming from Harper’s struggle with American race relations. It amounts to more of the same— peep the djembe and Harper’s monstrous slide guitar—but, as always, there are a few diamonds on the inside. BRANDON WIDDER. Edgefield, 2126 SW Halsey St. 6 pm. $51.50 advance, $57.50 day of show. All ages.

Nuggets Night featuring the Kingsmen, Flamin’ Groovies and more

[MONSTER GARAGE] To benefit the recent rebirth of now-listenersupported KISN FM, the station that once premiered the cream of the oldies, this ninth Nuggets Night has expanded to a box set of sorts, highlighting a pair of legendary artists alongside the annual event’s traditional assemblage of cover sets by local acts and one-off tributes. Friday’s slate brings the only Northwest stop for the Flamin’ Groovies, the final show of Beyond Veronica, Eyelids (as requested by the Groovies), the Pynnacles (who debuted at Nuggets Night 2012), and a Dead Moon-themed Karaoke From Hell performance. The Minders, buzzy girl-garage group the Mean Reds, and the Blue Whips—a specially-formed collaboration between the Cool Whips and Blue Skies For Black Hearts—accompany Saturday headliners the Kingsmen, of “Louie Louie” fame. JAY HORTON. Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi Ave., 503-288-3895. 8 pm Friday and 7 pm Saturday. $20 Friday, $15 Saturday, $30 two-day pass. 21+. Through June 25.

CONT. on page 53

TIM SACCENTI

PREVIEW

Jessy Lanza, DJ Taye [POPTIMISTIC] It’s hard to remember, but there was a time when pop music wasn’t taken seriously as an artistic medium. But on her sophomore album, Oh No, Canadian singer-producer Jessy Lanza proves yet again how vital, innovative and all-encompassing the pop idiom can be in 2016. Oh No melds everything from super-smooth R&B to flairs of jazz and futuristic techno, held together by Lanza’s newly refined, iridescent pop sensibilities. With her intensely catchy melodies and ultra-girly voice, Lanza comes across like a chilled-out version of Visions-era Grimes, trading the traditional verse-chorus song structure for looping, ass-clapping beats and high-pitched vocals you can only understand about half the time. Put more succinctly, Lanza’s music is euphoric, infectious—and just the right amount of strange. SHANNON GORMLEY. Doug Fir Lounge, 830 E Burnside St., 503-231-9663. 9 pm Thursday, June 23. $12 advance, $14 day of show. 21+. Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

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Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

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MUSIC [REGGAE GOT SOUL] Bummed that you never got to see Bob Marley live? Or Otis Redding? Want to feel a little less bummed about it? Well, don’t miss seeing Toots Hibbert, who’s like both of those dudes rolled into one. He may not scale the mystical and revolutionary heights of Marley’s music, but his best songs—like the Clashcovered “Pressure Drop” and prison drama “54-46 That’s My Number”—are among the genre’s greatest, and his gritty voice and over-the-top performance energy easily evoke Redding. See him while you can, or you’ll have to be bummed about that, too. JEFF ROSENBERG. Revolution Hall, 1300 SE Stark St. No. 110, 503-288-3895. 9 pm. $29.50 advance, $32 day of show. 21+.

Bad Cop/Bad Cop, the Atom Age, the Murderburgers, No More Parachutes

[GRRRL GROUP] On Not Sorry, Bad Cop/Bad Cop’s 2015 debut album after a string of EPs and appearances on Fat Wreck Chords comps, the all-female combo unapologetically emphasizes the pop before the punk. Like a foul-mouthed Go-Go’s with heavy distortion, the SoCal quartet lean on three-part harmonies, gum-snap drums and song titles like “Sugarcane” and “Joey Lawrence”—presumably named for the track’s “whoaah-whoah” chorus—for third-wave empowerment ever aware of how easily girls with guitars may be fetishized. Couldn’t some enterprising producer cast them opposite the Masked Intruder boys for an all-singing musical heist ﬂick? JAY HORTON. Star Theater, 13 NW 6th Ave.. $10 advance, $12 day of show. 9 pm. 21+.

Benjamin Clementine

[EXPRESSIONIST PIANO] Oftbarefoot pianist Benjamin Clementine is a transﬁxing ﬁgure, in both sound and stature. The young Brit was born to Ghanaian parents and began his career busking in the impoverished boroughs of London. Last year, he won the Mercury Prize, a well-earned honor given his audacious debut, At Least for Now, which pairs haunting arrangements with the raw, emotional gut punches of Nina Simone. He does this with a one-two approach. His songs often begin with theatrical piano and strings before turning to a tenor that evokes an unmistakable sense of longing, even before his solemn monologues begin to address it directly. BRANDON WIDDER. Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell St. 9 pm. $15 advance, $18 day of show. All ages.

SATURDAY, JUNE 25 Curren$y, Cornerboy P, Ty, Brookfield Duece, Keegan

[STONER RAP] In the early aughts, it seemed New Orleans rapper Curren$y was on track to follow in the footsteps of hometown heroes Master P and Lil’ Wayne, signing deals with both No Limit Records and Cash Money in the first two years of his career. But with 2010’s Pilot Talk, the rapper’s third studio album, Curren$y laid his claim to the smoke-rap throne, perfecting a blasé delivery of slice-of-life stories over warm, cruise-worthy beats provided by Ski Beatz. Pilot Talk, and the trilogy that followed, helped define Curren$y as an artist to lay back to—no need for overanalysis. Six years and five albums since his biggest breaks, Curren$y hasn’t ascended much further, remaining under the radar while supplying albums of consistent, yet highly calculated, quality. At age 35, Curren$y has either perfected his lane or hit his plateau. Then again, through glazed eyes, the two probably look the same. MATTHEW SCHONFELD. Hawthorne Theatre, 1507 SE César E. Chávez Blvd. 7 pm. $25. All ages.

Profanatica, Fornicator, Witchvomit

[DISGUSTING BLASPHEMIES] By the mid-2000s, most relevant black-metal bands had dropped the schlocky B-movie Satanism that long served as the subgenre’s thematic basis. But Paul Ledney— the maladjusted mind behind Profanatica and its dark ambientnoise sister project Havohej—is single-handedly keeping the schtick alive. Ledney, by virtue of the virulently sexualized anti-Christian lyrics and imagery he delivers via an almost incomprehensible shriek, is one of the few musicians able to create transgressive extreme metal without veering into full-on hate speech, but don’t be surprised if Profanatica’s music—black metal played with death-metal force—makes you feel sick to your

stomach. WALKER MACMURDO. Panic Room, 3100 NE Sandy Blvd. 8 pm. $17. 21+.

Rogue Wave, Hibou

[MODEST INDIE POP] Zach Rogue and bandmate Pat Spurgeon have tried to reinvent themselves ever since Rogue Wave caught the attention of music supervisors from The O.C. at the turn of the new millennium. The result hasn’t always been pretty—2013’s Permalight was anything but—and their most recent album, Delusions of Grand Fur, bears only threads of the duo’s past work, which was once deﬁned by easygoing narratives that mentioned them in the same breath as the beloved Shins. Rogue’s voice and jangly guitar sound is sweet as ever as he examines the trials

CONT. on page 57

INTRODUCING CLAIRE GUNVILLE

Toots and the Maytals

Naked Hour WHO: Teal Bluestone (vocals, bass), Jackson Walker (guitar, vocals), Ethan Conroy (drums, vocals). SOUNDS LIKE: Detention for the worst-behaved band geeks of Calvin Johnson’s School for Gifted Punksters. FOR FANS OF: Speedy Ortiz, That Dog, Mirah’s Phil Elverum collaborations. Trying to get anyone in Naked Hour to be at all serious for a moment is near impossible. Within five minutes of meeting the band members, they invent a running joke wherein one of them reveals a scandalous confession about another, giddily prefacing each divulgence with the phrase “on the record” and shouting some embarrassing triviality in a fit of laughter. The rapport is an intimacy only siblings know and one that’s impervious to outsiders. Even asking about their stellar, just-released debut album barely helps matters. It’s only after they tire of their new gag that it’s revealed their attitude is actually a form of rebellion. “All of us have classical backgrounds,” Walker says. “We were all raised in musical theory, in youth programs. But when I started playing in bands, I started to move away from it. You end up actively trying to not think about it. So, while you still know it, you’re trying not to be too in your head.” With Always on the Weekend, the band members channel the jovial hijinks of their friendship into smart, melodic fuzz. Teal Bluestone’s sweet, diaphanous voice is a ballast point for the walls of distortion her cronies prop her fragility upon. It’s raw but somehow extremely tender and inviting. Their collective joie de vivre humor is revealed through bursts of meticulously crafted explosions, perhaps indebted to the stuffy rehearsals of their youth. “It was the worst experience growing up,” Bluestone groans. “I’d be playing oboe and my parents would be in their bedroom yelling, ‘Teal, you’re sharp!’ And I’d be, ‘Mom, I know! Shut up! I’m just tryin’ to practice over here!’ I think that’s why my parents like rock ’n’ roll, funk, jazz, but they don’t play bass and they can’t sing and they don’t like punk music. I’m just like, ‘All right, I got one thing.’” CRIS LANKENAU. SEE IT: Naked Hour plays Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi Ave., with Blowout and Rod, on Sunday, June 26. 9 pm. Free. 21+. Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

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Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

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MUSIC

DATES HERE

CO U RT E SY O F J OY F U L N O I S E

PROFILE

Big Business SATURDAY, JUNE 25 In all its grimy glory, Big Business has rebounded after a three-year silence—smaller in size but larger in confidence. Command Your Weather, the band’s first release since 2013, comes after a split from longtime guitar player Scott Martin, reducing the group back to a duo. It’s a separation that has only proven positive. “He was in the band for five years, and it just got to a point where everybody was just kind of unhappy with the situation,” drummer Coady Willis says of Martin. “Everybody’s happier now, so that’s a good thing. “This’ll be the first time since our very first record we’ve played as a two-piece. I feel like we’ve been working on the songs really hard and that our songwriting is in a place where it’s better than it’s ever been.” Marked by singer-bassist Jared Warren’s distinct vocals and Willis’ deft drumming, the two have reworked the metal equation in the past decade. Built on a foundation laid by the posthardcore intensity of Karp and the horror-punk legacy of the Murder City Devils, Big Business has cultivated its sludgy doom since leaving Seattle for L.A. a decade ago. After that relocation, both Warren and Willis were picked up as rotating members by the Melvins, and the union boosted their creativity. “I feel that when we started playing with the Melvins, they let us know right away that they were confident in us and our abilities to do the job,” Willis says. “They let us know they weren’t looking for an exactly faithful representation of the songs we were playing. They encouraged us to play them how we wanted to play them and to add our own style to things.” Working with the Melvins while still developing Big Business allowed Willis to prime his drumming for a new style. “I had to step it up a little bit and learn how to just play in a way that complements what Jared is doing, too,” he says, “Which is a little more complicated and a different style than what was going on in Murder City Devils. It’s just a different style, a new vocabulary than what happens with Big Business.” The proof is in the new record. “Father’s Day,” the first track released from Command Your Weather, teases Big Business’ current state, with barreling drums and sweeping bass infused with small details almost too quick to catch. “It seemed like a good, rocking thing to lead off with,” Willis says. “There are some other songs on the record that are some curveballs stylistically, but I think this one is a good representation of the album as a whole—spiritually, as they say.” Big Business will share its new material as one of the headliners of East Burnside dive B-Side Tavern’s 10-year anniversary show. Warren and Willis have been to B-Side numerous times during West Coast tours, stopping in with their friends in Red Fang. “I’m really stoked about the record,” Willis says. “I feel cautiously optimistic. It’s one of our best, if not our best, record we’ve ever done, as far as consistently good songs from beginning to end. I think we accomplished what we were trying to do.” CERVANTE POPE. Metal’s sludgiest duo returns to the Northwest to celebrate B-Side Tavern’s 10th anniversary.

SEE IT: Big Business plays B-Side Tavern, 632 E Burnside St., with Red Fang, Helms Alee, Rabbits, Gaytheist and more, on Saturday, June 25. Noon. $20. 21+. Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

MUSIC of marriage and the GOP agenda, but the songs overall ring hollow. BRANDON WIDDER. Revolution Hall, 1300 SE Stark St., No. 110. 9 pm. $18 advance, $20 day of show. All ages.

DATES HERE

Destroyer of Light, Time Rift

poser’s acclaimed Claudia Quintet has drawn wide acclaim in both jazz and contemporary classical music circles. Yet on the quintet’s vigorous, newly released eighth album, Super Petite, Hollenbeck, who’s worked with jazz giants like Fred Hersch and avant-classical legends like Meredith Monk and Bang on a Can, manages the rare feat (in modern jazz, anyway) of combining concise song structures with exceptional rhythmic and melodic invention. The album’s references to 1950s legends Charlie Parker and Philly Joe Jones further the impression that Hollenbeck is making a kind of modern, nonretro bebop that sounds entirely fresh, thanks to the originality of its leader and longtime members— clarinetist-tenor saxophonist Chris Speed, vibraphonist Matt Moran, bassist Drew Gress and accordionist Red Wierenga. BRETT CAMPBELL. The Secret Society, 116 NE Russell St. 8 pm Wednesday, July 22. $15 advance, $18 day of show. 21+.

Royce Da 5’9”, Grafh

[AMERICAN BERSERK] Last year’s inaugural edition of this annual one-day festival somehow stuﬀed two grand pianos, copious quantities of wine, and dozens of contemporary classical music fans wall to windows at little Blue Sky Gallery— for ﬁve hours. Whether it was the wine, intimate setting or the powerful pianism, it turned out to be such a success that the perpetrators, New York duo Stephanie Ho and Saar Ahuvia, are repeating it, and even adding a Eugene performance. The theme is wild music by American composers, including John Adams, Philip Glass, John Zorn and Portland’s own Ryan Francis. The highlight is Frederic Rzewski’s massive, politically charged 1976 classic 36 Variations

Brownish Black, Tezeta Band

[SOUL] Portland’s Brownish Black released one of the feel-good records of 2015 with Life Lessons, a bouncy, heartfelt, groove-heavy collection of soul that makes your feet shuﬄe. The sprawling band is a high-functioning beast, with all of the catchy call-and-response vocals, solos and brassy interludes you’d expect. It’s been a shitty week in America—go ﬁx yourself with some sonic therapy via the good folks of Brownish Black. MARK STOCK. The Secret Society, 116 NE Russell St. 9 pm. $10. 21+.

TUESDAY, JUNE 28 [TEXAS DOOM] Destroyer of Light formed in 2012, born in the musical oasis of Austin, Texas, surrounded on all sides by bleak desert heat and backward sensibilities. Undaunted, the quartet crafted an unapologetic mélange of stoner, doom and sludge metal that takes cues from Sabbath, Electric Wizard and Mercyful Fate. Steve Colca’s vocals sound tortured and waveringly melodic but never reach for the highs of Rob Halford. The band’s latest eﬀort is a 2015 split with Godhunter, and Destroyer of Light’s side features 26 minutes of mournful metal, culminating in a cover of Pentagram’s “Forever My Queen.” NATHAN CARSON. Panic Room, 3100 NE Sandy Blvd. 9 pm. $8. 21+.

[MOTOR CITY HIP-HOP] Royce Da 5’9” opens Layers, one of at least two full-lengths the Detroit MC is slated to issue this year, with a cut detailing the day he met Eminem back in the ’90s, a moment bound to remain one of the most important in the rapper’s life. At times, the narrative distracts Royce from maintaining those rhymed couplets, but the fact that he actually has something to relate to listeners, instead of plebeian bragging, speaks to an acumen developed during about 20 years of performing. His ﬂow, however, just sounds better paired with DJ Premier as opposed to a raft of hired-on producers. DAVE CANTOR. The Analog Cafe, 720 SE Hawthorne Blvd. 8 pm. $16-$69. 18+.

CLASSICAL, JAZZ & WORLD Portland Percussion Group

[GOOD VIBES] Not satisﬁed with bringing the city the robust repertoire for percussion developed in the decades since the creation of the modern percussion ensemble in the 1930s, Portland Percussion Group is also igniting the creation of new music. This concert, starring percussionists who teach at Oregon universities and play with Federale, Cherry Poppin’ Daddies and various orchestras, features pulsating original music for vibes and marimbas by the winners of PPG’s call for scores. Some show inﬂuences of Steve Reich’s minimalist masterworks, while others feel more groove-oriented. The show also features sparkling, melodious pieces by one of today’s most propulsive composers, Chicago’s Marc Mellits, and New York composer Gordon Stout. BRETT CAMPBELL. The Old Church, 1422 SW 11th Ave. 7:30 pm Wednesday, June 22. $10. All ages.

Blue Cranes, Claudia Quintet

[TIGHT JAZZ] You’d think John Hollenbeck had earned the right to stretch his compositions and improvisations to self-indulgent lengths. After all, for almost two decades, the award-winning drummer-com-

Makrokosmos Project

on The People United Will Never Be Defeated!, divided among a halfdozen pianists. Portland opera diva Angela Niederloh will sing songs by George Crumb and Jake Heggie as well. Each set lasts about an hour, and a ticket allows you to come and go. BRETT CAMPBELL. Blue Sky, 122 NW 8th Ave. 5 pm Thursday, June 23. $10-$20.

Is Candy Cigarettes debut LP the best album of 2016 so far? - Velvet Independent Listen at Candycigsmusic.bandcamp.com

Chamber Music Northwest

[TANGOS AND TRIOS] For more than four decades, Chamber Music Northwest has ruled the summer of classical music in Portland by bringing in veteran New York classical musicians whose names fans will recognize from major recordings. On Monday, cellist Peter Wiley, violist Steve Tenenbom and violinist Ida Kavafian play string trios— which, in comparison to quarters, we rarely hear—by Beethoven, Haydn and Mozart, with the real prize being a rare chance to hear one of the least-performed of Amadeus’ finest late works: the big Divertimento in E flat, whose abundant musical invention and significance far outweigh its title’s suggestion of a mere diversion. Saturday’s concert brings together Reed College tango musicians, Wiley and some of the world’s leading tangueros for performances of their original music, along with classics by 20th-century masters, including Astor Piazzolla. BRETT CAMPBELL. Reed College’s Kaul Auditorium, 3203 SE Woodstock Blvd. 7:30 pm Saturday, June 25. $10-$60. All ages.

LIVE! Kelly’s Olympian • 6/29 • 9pm • $5

For more Music listings, visit

ALBUM REVIEW

Korgy & Bass EP VOL. 1

(Cavity Search)

[FUTURISTIC JAZZ] Fe w m e m b e r s o f Portland’s jazz community pay attention to what’s happening on New York’s knife edge anymore. Comfortable purveyors of the music’s more classy (and stilllucrative dinner-party) era, most professional local musicians don’t have the time or energy to cast their gaze toward the future. But for drummer Barra Brown and bassist-beatsmith Alex Meltzer, whose newly formed electro-jazz duo Korgy & Bass launches with EP Vol. 1, the hip, evocative sounds emanating from drummer Mark Guiliana and the laptop of post-Dilla hero Flying Lotus are as important as anything Art Blakey ever did. Young, talented and musically aspiring, Brown and Meltzer aim for the souls of discontented, under-40 KMHD listeners on this two-track debut, which features the mellow vocals of equally discontent singer Coco Columbia. “She Said,” the opening cut, combines Columbia’s legato vocals with ethereal synthesizers, eventually giving way to a grooving outro. Its follow-up, “F#m,” is more universally head-bobbing, featuring a choppy beat with looped flutes one can imagine a local MC having a field day with. It may be bite-sized, but EP Vol. 1 is one of the Rose City’s most honest efforts at harnessing L.A.’s current Kendrick Lamar-driven tidal wave of sound, a sampler that balances between outright hip-hop and heartier jazz fare in a way that is delectable and captivating—especially for those who have heard one too many versions of “Summertime” lately. PARKER HALL. SEE IT: Korgy & Bass play Alberta Street Pub, 1036 NE Alberta St., with Catherine Feeny and Chris Johnedis, on Wednesday, June 22. 9 pm. $7. 21+.

HAPPY PORTLAND PRIDE! Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

TICKETS ON SALE AT

PORTLAND.PROJECTPABST.COM

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

SUNDAY AUGUST 28 SATURDAY AUGUST 27

21+

DURAN DURAN ICE CUBE

/ NATHANIEL / RATELIFF

STRFKR / & THE NIGHT SWEATS A$AP FERG / ANDREW W.K. / LIZZO THE COATHANGERS / KYLE CRAFT

TAME IMPALA / WEEN / DRIVE LIKE JEHU

UNKNOWN MORTAL ORCHESTRA PARQUET COURTS / SHEER MAG HOP ALONG

/ DIARRHEA PLANET / TENEMENT

WATERFRONT PARK

PORTLAND, OR

MUSIC CALENDAR WED. JUNE 22 Alberta Rose

3000 NE Alberta St Terry Evans with special guest Samsel

Alberta Street Pub

1036 NE Alberta St Korgy & Bass, Catherine Feeny & Chris Johnedis

Ash Street Saloon

225 SW Ash St Leaving the Scene - 10th Anniversary reunion

Bossanova Ballroom 722 E Burnside St. Prophets of Addiction

Corkscrew

1665 SE Bybee Blvd Catarina New Trio

Crystal Ballroom

1332 W Burnside St Battle of the Doctor Bands

Dante’s

350 West Burnside Tonguedancer & The Dungeon Brothers

Doug Fir Lounge

The Rockin’ Revellers; the Black Crabs

High Water Mark Lounge

6800 NE MLK Ave Telephant, Mister Seahorse, Mermaid in China

Jimmy Mak’s

1028 SE Water Ave. Boogarins, Coma Serfs, Dan Dan

Duff’s Garage

Keller Auditorium

Corkscrew

Fifth Avenue Lounge

Kelly’s Olympian

1665 SE Bybee Blvd Laura Cunard Trio

Dante’s

350 West Burnside Warpfire with Moondrake and Battle Axe Massacre

Doug Fir Lounge

830 E Burnside St. The Pack A.D., Gaytheist, Foxy Lemon

Holocene

1001 SE Morrison St. Alpha Pup Summer Tour

Jimmy Mak’s

221 NW 10th Ave. Mel Brown Quartet; The Christopher Brown Quartet

Kelly’s Olympian

426 SW Washington St. Sound Judgment presents: Rambush, Pet Clinic, Superbrown

LaurelThirst Public House

2958 NE Glisan St Lynn Conover & Gravel; Good Time Travelers

Mississippi Pizza

3552 N Mississippi Ave Tallulah’s Daddy

The Analog Cafe

720 SE Hawthorne Blvd. The Crooked Looks

The Goodfoot

2845 SE Stark St Shafty

The Know

125 NW 5th Avenue JUICE! Total Science CIA 20 Year Label Tour

High Water Mark Lounge

6800 NE MLK Ave Marmits, Roland, Hair Puller

Jimmy Mak’s

221 NW 10th Ave. Mel Brown B3 Organ Group; Chance Hayden

Kelly’s Olympian

426 SW Washington St. Echo Pearl Varsity, Nourish The Youth, Glasys

LaurelThirst Public House

Panic Room

116 NE Russell St Blue Cranes, Claudia Quintet

Twilight Cafe and Bar 1420 SE Powell Karaoke From Hell

Valentines

232 SW Ankeny St Butter, Airport, Keeper Keeper

White Eagle Saloon

836 N Russell St Graveface Roadshow with Casket Girls, Stardeath and White Dwarfs, and Night School

THURS. JUNE 23 Alberta Street Pub 1036 NE Alberta St Dan Hubbard

Ash Street Saloon

225 SW Ash St Tre’Kelly, Dyrect, Dee Lew, Eazil, MellyMac

Blue Sky

122 NW 8th Ave Makrokosmos Project

Mississippi Pizza

3552 N Mississippi Ave The Oregon Trailers

Mississippi Studios

3939 N Mississippi Ave. Nuggets Night 2016: Flamin’ Groovies 1300 SE Stark St #110 Toots & the Maytals

Star Theater

3100 NE Sandy Blvd Tetsuo: Grand Royale (Beastie Boys Cover Band) Andy Stack and Scotty Bounce!

The Analog Cafe

The Firkin Tavern

720 SE Hawthorne Blvd. Shaman Rock, San Lorenzo, Sigourney Beaver, Heavy-handed

The Firkin Tavern

The Goodfoot

The Secret Society

2958 NE Glisan St Cedar Teeth & guests; Lynn Conover & Little Sue

13 NW 6th Ave. Bad Cop Bad Cop with The Atom Age, The Murderburgers

The Liquor Store

1422 SW 11th Ave Heartstrings Duo

LaurelThirst Public House

Mississippi Pizza

1937 SE 11th Ave Firkin Songwriters: Talon Bronson, Mark MacMinn, Laryssa Birdseye

The Old Church

426 SW Washington St. The Rascalbaiters, Charity Christensen, Sarah Wiley, The Stas Duda Ensemble Assembly

Revolution Hall

2026 NE Alberta St ThirstyCity: 2 year anniversary 3341 SE Belmont St, Fanno Creek + Luke Sweeney

222 SW Clay St Flight of the Conchords

2958 NE Glisan St Billy Kennedy Band; Lewi Longmire & the Left Coast Roasters 3552 N Mississippi Ave Mo Phillips; Slipped Disco

2845 SE Stark St Excellent Gentlemen

The Know

2026 NE Alberta St Shark Pact, Old City, Backbiter

The Liquor Store

3341 SE Belmont St, Synaptik Tour

The Secret Society

116 NE Russell St Thursday Swing! featuring Doug & Dee’s Hot Lovin’ Jazz Babies, Stumptown Swing

720 SE Hawthorne Blvd. Garcia Birthday Band; School of Rock Concert Series 1937 SE 11th Ave Drunk On Pines, Zax Vandal, The Mutineers

The Know

2026 NE Alberta St Hot Won’t Quit (record release), The Night, Tigers on Opium

The Secret Society

116 NE Russell St Pete Krebs and his Portland Playboys; Cascade Crescendo, The Student Loan Stringband, The Junebugs

Valentines

232 SW Ankeny St DMN with Gold Casio, Pleasure Curses

White Eagle Saloon 836 N Russell St Mexican Gunfight

Wonder Ballroom

128 NE Russell St. Benjamin Clementine

Twilight Cafe and Bar 1420 SE Powell Anti-Troy, Raw Dog, the Close Calls Kick It

FRI. JUNE 24 Bossanova Ballroom

722 E Burnside St. Spawn, Apophis Theory, Godenied

Bunk Bar

1028 SE Water Ave. ROI Friday (Last Friday)

Dante’s

350 West Burnside King Khan and the Shrines

Duff’s Garage

2530 NE 82nd Ave

LAST WEEK LIVE

2126 SW Halsey St Troutdale OR 97060 Ben Harper & the Innocent Criminals, the Jack Moves

221 NW 10th Ave. Hailey Niswanger & PDX Soul

2530 NE 82nd Ave The Home Fries

[JUNE 22-28]

Edgefield

830 E Burnside St. Jessy Lanza, DJ Taye

Bunk Bar

For more listings, check out wweek.com.

HENRY CROMETT

= WW Pick. Highly recommended.

Editor: Matthew Singer. TO HAVE YOUR EVENT LISTED, send show information at least two weeks in advance on the web at wweek.com/ submitevents. Press kits, CDs and especially vinyl can be sent to Music Desk, WW, 2220 NW Quimby St., Portland, OR 97210. Please include show or release date information with all physical mailings. Email: music@wweek.com.

SAT. JUNE 25 Alberta Rose

3000 NE Alberta St 11th Annual Dolly Parton Hoot Night

Alberta Street Pub 1036 NE Alberta St Grupo Masato

B-Side Tavern

1036 NE Alberta St B-Side 10th Anniversary Show with Big Business, Red Fang, Helms Alee, more

Dante’s

350 West Burnside Poison Idea, Long Knife, Dr. Amazon, Top Down

PRINCE OF DARKNESS: John Carpenter came to Portland to play synthesizer and chew bubblegum. And he never ran out of bubblegum. At the Schnitz on June 15, the legendary movie director—on his first-ever concert tour, playing selections from his self-penned film scores and his two Lost Themes albums—managed to showcase his singular audiovisual genius while also proving why it’s taken him so long to step out from behind the camera. Emerging through the glare of blindingly blue stage lights with his four-piece backing band, his wisps of white hair swept back, the famously cranky 68-year-old filmmaker spent the entire set in front of his keyboard, swaying a little, sometimes with one hand in his pants pocket, and constantly smacking gum. If his between-song banter seemed stilted, it’s because he appeared to be reading it directly from the stand in front of him. To his credit, though, Carpenter was self-aware enough to cede the spotlight to his collaborators—namely, Kurt Russell, Roddy Piper and Michael Myers. As the band fleshed out the simplistic analog menace of Carpenter’s most famous themes—the bluesy stroll of They Live’s “Coming to L.A.”; the ominous burble of Assault on Precinct 13; In the Mouth of Madness’s “Enter Sandman” mutation; and, of course, the plinking terror of Halloween—montages of scenes from the corresponding films were projected onto a screen above the band. Whatever Carpenter’s deficiencies as a performer, the show still had the air of a special event we might not see again. And at least he knew who the true stars were. “I love horror movies,” Carpenter said (or rather read) at one point. “Horror movies will live forever!” MATTHEW SINGER. Duff’s Garage

2530 NE 82nd Ave Pin & Hornits

Hawthorne Theatre

1507 SE César E. Chávez Blvd. Curren$y, Cornerboy P, Ty, Brookfield Duece, Keegan

Jimmy Mak’s

221 NW 10th Ave. Farnell Newton

Kaul Auditorium (at Reed College) 3203 SE Woodstock Blvd. Chamber Music Northwest

Keller Auditorium

222 SW Clay St Flight of the Conchords

LaurelThirst Public House

2958 NE Glisan St Billy Kennedy; The Yellers

Mississippi Pizza

3552 N Mississippi Ave Coastal Cascade; Hip Hop: Benefit for Morpheus Youth Project

Mississippi Studios

3939 N Mississippi Ave. Nuggets Night 2016: The Kingsmen

Panic Room

3100 NE Sandy Blvd Profanatica, Fornicator, Witchvomit

Revolution Hall

1300 SE Stark St #110 Rogue Wave, Hibou

Roseland Theater

8 NW 6th Ave Russ (Peter’s Room)

Star Theater

13 NW 6th Ave. 1939 Ensemble with Dubchamp vs Skerik and DJ Blind Bartimaeus

Ogan & Embick

Crystal Ballroom

1332 W Burnside St The Hunna

The Analog Cafe

High Water Mark Lounge

The Firkin Tavern

6800 NE MLK Ave Paper Gates, The Dancing Plague of 1518, Lord Alba

720 SE Hawthorne Blvd. Alex Ivy, Newmeyer, Kiaya On The Mountain 1937 SE 11th Ave Tanana Rafters // Naked Mabel

The Goodfoot

2845 SE Stark St The Golden Road: ‘72 Grateful Dead Tribute

The Know

2026 NE Alberta St Steal Shit Do Drugs, Vice Device, Steel Chains

The Secret Society 116 NE Russell St Daniels & Baker

The Secret Society 116 NE Russell St Get Rhythm

The Secret Society

116 NE Russell St Brownish Black, Tezeta Band

SUN. JUNE 26 Alberta Rose

3000 NE Alberta St Edna Vazquez, Villalobos Brothers

Al’s Den at Crystal Hotel

303 SW 12th Ave The Jackalope Saints

Corkscrew

1665 SE Bybee Blvd

Kelly’s Olympian

426 SW Washington St. Baby Ketten Karaoke

LaurelThirst Public House

2958 NE Glisan St Pagan Jug Band; Open Mic hosted by Taylor Kingman

LaurelThirst Public House

2958 NE Glisan St Freak Mountain Ramblers

Mississippi Pizza

3552 N Mississippi Ave Kaeley, Kelly Brightwell

Mississippi Studios

3939 N Mississippi Ave. Blowout, Naked Hour, Rod

Rontoms

600 E Burnside St Times Infinity, Calisse

Star Theater

13 NW 6th Ave. This Charming Band with The Hyenas

The Analog Cafe

720 SE Hawthorne Blvd. Land of the Living, October Sky and Symmetry Symmetry

The Old Church

1422 SW 11th Ave Portland Interfaith Gospel Choir presents GET YOUR BLESSING GOSPEL

The Secret Society

116 NE Russell St Renewal Newel Revival - Newel Briggs Relief Fundraiser

White Eagle Saloon

836 N Russell St White Eagle Youth, Niamh and Jamie Iwata

Crystal Ballroom

1332 W Burnside St Smoke Season

Duff’s Garage

2530 NE 82nd Ave Crooked Eye Tommy

Jimmy Mak’s

221 NW 10th Ave. Ajam; Mel Brown Septet

Kelly’s Olympian

426 SW Washington St. The Hot Spit, My First Mind, Grumpus

LaurelThirst Public House

Dante’s

2958 NE Glisan St Jackstraw; Mick Overman & the Maniacs

Jimmy Mak’s

3552 N Mississippi Ave Baby Ketten Karaoke

MON. JUNE 27 350 West Burnside Karaoke From Hell 221 NW 10th Ave. Dan Balmer Trio

Jimmy Mak’s

221 NW 10th Ave. The Alex Koehler Band

LaurelThirst Public House

Mississippi Pizza

Panic Room

3100 NE Sandy Blvd Holy Grove, Destroyer of Light, Time Rift

The Analog Cafe

720 SE Hawthorne Blvd. Royce Da 5’9”, Grafh

2958 NE Glisan St Portland Country Underground; Kung Pao Chickens

The Goodfoot

Mississippi Pizza

3552 N Mississippi Ave Mr. Ben

3341 SE Belmont St, Mirror Travel and Jess Williamson

Panic Room

White Eagle Saloon

3100 NE Sandy Blvd Immortal Bird, InAeona, Woven Tongues

Alberta Street Pub

2845 SE Stark St Yak Attack

The Liquor Store

836 N Russell St Will West, Santi Elijah Holley, Anna Hoone, Ciara Carruthers, Cosmic Rose

1036 NE Alberta St The Naked Mic: Songwriter’s Open Mic

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

MUSIC NEEDLE EXCHANGE A L E X I S M C FAT E

The Perfect Cyn Years DJing: Music has always been what has guided my life, dear to me to the point that I feel I was DJing in utero. I actually gathered turntables and a mixer in 2001 and learned to play during a cheeky year off. My first club gigs were in 2002, at the now-defunct Red Sea and Cobalt Lounge. Genres: I prefer not to refer to music by genre if I can avoid it, but usually I fall into the acid-house, jacking-techno, bass-house area. Where you can catch me regularly: Modern Ritual with Laura Lynn at the Liquor Store, the fourth Saturday of each month. Craziest gig: Playing the inaugural set on the Dragon Stage for What the Festival. The energy leading up to and during was unbelievable! My go-to records: Andrea Parker featuring DJ Assault & DJ Godfather’s “Freaky Bitches,” Claro Intelecto’s “Peace of Mind,” Junior Boys’ “Love Is a Fire,” Timothy Blake’s “The Stormy Search (Marquis Hawkes Remix).” Don’t ever ask me to play…: Well, usually whatever they’re requesting, I don’t have, because I have an idea of the feeling I want to put out there. If someone isn’t feeling it, well, that’s a shame—but you can’t make everyone happy all the time. As a DJ, I believe I should be able to entertain others by what entertains me, and the vast majority of the time, it works like a charm. NEXT GIG: The Perfect Cyn spins at the 10th annual Playground Park Party, under the St. Johns Bridge in Cathedral Park, on Saturday, June 25. 11 am. Free. All ages. DJ Bad Wizard

Ground Kontrol

511 NW Couch St. Weekend Warrior w/ DJ Nate C. (anthem rock)

Holocene

WED. JUNE 22 Beech Street Parlor

412 NE Beech Street Freeform Portland: DJ Sundae Shoes

Dig A Pony

Mississippi Pizza

3552 N Mississippi Ave Slipped Disco

Moloko

3967 N. Mississippi Ave. Benjamin

736 SE Grand Ave. Boom! (pop oldies, garage, r&b)

Produce Row Cafe

Euphoria Nightclub

Star Bar

204 SE Oak St, Supper Set (soulful tunes)

315 SE 3rd Ave Dom Dolla at Fak Wednesdays

639 SE Morrison St. DJ Big Ben

Ground Kontrol

100 NW Broadway Thursday Electronic

511 NW Couch St. TRONix (electronica)

Panic Room

3100 NE Sandy Blvd Wicked Wednesdays (hip-hop)

The Embers Avenue

100 NW Broadway Knochen Tanz w/ DJ Tibin

The Lovecraft Bar

421 SE Grand Ave Psychopomp w/ Ogo Eion (ritual, dark ambient, drone, eclectic)

THURS. JUNE 23 Beech Street Parlor

412 NE Beech Street DJ Avant to Party

Dig A Pony

736 SE Grand Ave. Doc Adam (golden era hip-hop)

Gold Dust Meridian

3267 SE Hawthorne Blvd. DJ Major Sean

Holocene

1001 SE Morrison St. Sadie Hawkinz Dance

The Embers Avenue

The Lovecraft Bar

421 SE Grand Ave Shadowplay w/ DJ Carrion (goth, industrial, EBM)

FRI. JUNE 24 Beech Street Parlor 412 NE Beech Street DJ Backyardmango

Black Book

20 NW 3rd Ave The Cave w/ Massacooramaan

Church

2600 NE Sandy Blvd. Emerson Lyon & Prettiugli

1001 SE Morrison St. SNAP! ‘90s Dance Party

Killingsworth Dynasty

832 N Killingsworth St Twerk: Black Pride Edition

Moloko

3967 N. Mississippi Ave. Montel Spinozza

Sandy Hut

1430 NE Sandy Blvd. DJ Dad Rock

Saucebox

214 N Broadway St Club Kai Kai 1 Year Anniversary (drag dance party)

Star Bar

639 SE Morrison St. DJ Truhn Juice

The Embers Avenue

100 NW Broadway Friday Night 80’s & Top 40

The Goodfoot

2845 SE Stark St Soul Stew w/ DJ Aquaman (funk, soul, disco)

The Liquor Store

3341 SE Belmont St, FLIGHT - Tropical Tribal Summer Party (house, techno, disco, acid)

The Lovecraft Bar

1332 W Burnside St 80s Video Dance Attack

421 SE Grand Ave Oh My Goth! w/ Miz Margo & DJ Carrion (deathrock, goth, 80s dance)

Dig A Pony

Valentines

Crystal Ballroom

736 SE Grand Ave. Cooky Parker (dance)

East Burn

1800 E Burnside St. Beat Nice w/ D Poetica and Rosbarsky

Gold Dust Meridian

3267 SE Hawthorne Blvd.

232 SW Ankeny St Surface Noise Vinyl Invitational Happy Hour (bring your own records)

CONT. on page 62 Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

MUSIC BAR REVIEW

Where to drink this week. 1. Gestalt Haus

thomas teal

Thank you for nominating us Best Veterinary Care in Portland

3584 SE Division St. German bier, bikes and local brats are a pretty simple formula for a bar—and this is a pretty simple bar, which makes it a very welcome addition to its fancy Division street neighborhood.

2. Division Wines

3564 SE Division St., 503-234-7281, divisionwines.com. one of the finest wine shops in town—especially if your tastes run toward natural, oddball and biodynamic, Division now has a highly pleasant wine bar within, with low-fee corkage on bottles if you want to while away your happy hours happy.

3. Boss Hawg’s

Exceptional, comprehensive, personalized care for your best friend 1737 NE Alberta Suite 102, Portland (503) 206-7700 • albertaveterinarycare.com

A Meditation Studio in the heart of the Pearl. hushmeditation.com (503) 912-4559

617 NE 102nd Ave., 503-252-4647, bosshawgsbarandgrill. com. Boss hawg’s is perhaps a perfect old-man and day bar. It is a dimly lit, sprawling, almost domestic-feeling place with all-day breakfast, including $3.95 hawg mcmuffins, and a cozy patio with a stone water fountain as if it were on the deck of every suburban dad.

3. Toffee Club

1006 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 971-254-9518, toffeeclubpdx.com. Where else can you eat bangers and mash and down a Fuller’s while watching a backroom projection of an everton game with a soccer ball bigger than any human head?

5. Laurelwood Brewpub

5115 NE Sandy Blvd., 503-282-0622, laurelwoodbrewpub.com. Now is the time to rediscover laurelwood’s beautiful rooftop patio—still unknown to most in the city—looking out over scenic sandy Boulevard.

SAT. JUNe 25 Beech Street Parlor

412 NE Beech Street I Only Cry Alone: Proud Men Sing About Their Feelings

Church

2600 NE Sandy Blvd. DJ Dirty Red (funk, soul, bangers)

Crystal Ballroom

1332 W Burnside St 80s Video Dance Attack: New Wave Edition

Dig A Pony

736 SE Grand Ave. Freaky Outty (floor fillers)

east Burn

1800 E Burnside St. Soulsa! w/ DJ Blas (latin fusion)

Gold Dust Meridian

3267 SE Hawthorne Blvd. DJ Gregarious

Holocene

1001 SE Morrison St. Main Squeeze Dance Party

Videodrome with VJ Kronen

Sandy Hut

Black Book

Star Bar

Dig A Pony

1430 NE Sandy Blvd. DJ Marty King 639 SE Morrison St. Rebels Rule

The Analog Cafe

720 SE Hawthorne Blvd. ANDAZ Bhangra Bollywood Dance Party w/ DJs Anjali & The Incredible Kid

The embers Avenue

100 NW Broadway Saturday Top 40 Remixed

The Liquor Store

3341 SE Belmont St, Modern Ritual w/ dAvi A and Jeniluv (house, techno)

The Lovecraft Bar

421 SE Grand Ave Darkness Descends w/ DJ Maxamillion (deathrock, 80s, new wave)

20 NW 3rd Ave Flux (hip-hop, house, trap) 736 SE Grand Ave. Do Right Sunday (throwback rap, electro, r&b)

The embers Avenue

100 NW Broadway Latino Night w/ DJ Leo (latin, cubono, salsa)

The Lovecraft Bar

421 SE Grand Ave Softcore Mutations w/ DJ Acid Rick (new wave, synth, dark, weird, hunkwave)

MON. JUNe 27 Dig A Pony

736 SE Grand Ave. Femme (hip-hop, electro, r&b, house)

Ground Kontrol

832 N Killingsworth St Soul A Go-Go w/ DJ Drew Groove (soul, mod, R&B)

Beech Street Parlor

Moloko

Beulahland

639 Southeast Morrison St. Metal Monday w/ DJ Chainsaw

3967 N. Mississippi Ave.

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

Lamar Leroy (hip-hop)

511 NW Couch St. Reagan-o-mix (new wave, hiphop, soundtrack)

Killingsworth Dynasty

SPIRIT OF 16: We’ve waited so, so long for Century (930 SE Sandy Blvd., centurybarpdx.com). The ambitious new sports bar was announced in January 2015, and was supposed to open before last football season. Fastforward to January, and the Eater blog was reporting that Century would be open for Super Bowl 50. In fact, the first night of business was June 16, when it opened in time for fans to watch the greatest player in the history of basketball, LeBron James, swat a layup attempt by one of the soft and undersized Golden State guards. This was the place to be for that play because of the unique wooden-bleacher seating, which is configured with both sides of the room facing drop-down screens and viewers across the way. Watching a big game at Century feels like you’re ringside for a prizefight—the energy exceeds any other sports bar I’ve been to, and I’ve been to a few. Oh, and that’s when the place was full of industry folks and hipsters in logoless black clothing, sipping tequila cocktails and chatting over the DJ spinning during commercial breaks. You’re going to have to arrive here early to get a seat at a bar where cocktails climb to $12 and food was far from dialed on a packed first night. Already, Century has the vibe other would-be hipster sports bars have failed to create. Ball out—there’s a beautiful rooftop patio for cooling off after the buzzer. MARTIN CIZMAR.

SUN. JUNe 26 412 NE Beech Street DJ Miserific 118 NE 28th Ave

Star Bar

The Lovecraft Bar

421 SE Grand Ave Murder Mass (spooky)

TUeS. JUNe 28 Beech Street Parlor 412 NE Beech Street DJ Whippoorwill

Black Book

20 NW 3rd Ave Turnt Up Tuesdays w/ DJ Ronin Roc & DJ Automaton

Dig A Pony

736 SE Grand Ave. AM Gold (greazy oldies)

Holocene

1001 SE Morrison St. E.A.S.Y.

The embers Avenue 100 NW Broadway Recycle w/ DJ Tibin (dark dance)

The Lovecraft Bar

421 SE Grand Ave Bones w/ DJ Acid Rick (goth, post-punk, new wave)

Tube

18 NW 3rd Ave. Tubesdays w/ DJ Jack

Diverse & Contemporary: Our New@Noon series explores the diversity of contemporary chamber music in ﬁve informal concerts.

Classical & Masterful: Hear all 16 of Beethoven’s string quartets, plus many, many more chamber music classics.

Education & Outreach: We oﬀer tons of fun (and ooen free!) events every summer including masterclasses & a family concert!

JEFF ANGELL’S STATICLAND SATURDAY, JUNE 25TH AT 6:30PM

Jeff Angell’s STATICLAND have just released their self-titled debut album, a captivating menagerie of songs that effortlessly shift from raucous, snarling, barn burners to moving Stones-inspired ballads that you will want to play on repeat. The sound is that of a provocative, imaginative blues rock which breaths new life into the genre both sonically and stylistically.

Bluestreak Live Presents:

ROSE CITY KINGS MONDAY, JUNE 27TH AT 7PM

“This is an exciting collection of some of the top musicians in Portland, each capable of handling the spotlight on their own, but collectively bring a moving and passionate show that will leave you wanting more,” according to Cascade Blues Association President Greg Johnson.

JOHN DOE

TUESDAY, JUNE 28TH AT 7PM

Doe’s sizable contribution to the music of X and The Knitters, which first brought him to international attention, made clear what was important to him: haunting songs, heart-rending vocals, pronounced country/rockabilly underpinnings, and no-frills production

Fun & Diﬀerent: Collaborations with Tango for Musicians at Reed College, BodyVox, and Oregon Bach Festival.

Get your tickets today! www.CMNW.org | 503-294-6400

KYLE CRAFT

THURSDAY, JUNE 30TH AT 6PM

Kyle Craft grew up in a tiny Louisiana town on the banks of the Mississippi, where he spent most of his time catching alligators and rattlesnakes instead of playing football or picking up the guitar. It was only a chance trip to K-Mart that gave him his first album, a David Bowie hits compilation that helped inspire him eventually to channel his innate feral energy into songwriting and rock and roll.

ESME PATTERSON

Th e W

e e e k S to r W e t t e illam

FRIDAY, JULY 1ST AT 6PM

Sometimes you have to turn off your brain and let your body sing. That’s what Esme Patterson did on her third full-length, ‘We Were Wild’. “At its core, rock ‘n’ roll is where madness and order collide. Where our sexual, raw, animal nature meets our heart and mind. On this album I explored deeper, more far out sonic spaces. I hunted the vibe through vast wilderness,” says the now Portland-based songwriter.

TreaT

yourself

wiTh a DubDubDeal!

wweek.com/dubdubdeals

We’ve got plenty of affordable offers to start the year off right. Find certificate discounts to some of your favorite Portland restaurants. Visit wweek.com/duddubdeals.com Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

COURTESY OF HALEY HEYNDERICKX

PERFORMANCE = WW Pick. Highly recommended. Most prices listed are for advance ticket sales. At-the-door increases and so-called convenience charges may apply, so it’s best to call ahead. Editor: ENID SPITZ. Theater: ENID SPITZ (espitz@wweek.com). Dance: ENID SPITZ (dance@wweek.com). TO BE CONSIDERED FOR LISTINGS, submit information at least two weeks in advance to: espitz@wweek.com.

OPENINGS & PREVIEWS Frank: To Be Frank

CoHo’s Summerfest starts with a commedia dell’arte-style one-woman show proﬁling the Rat Pack’s 17th member: Frank. Billed as “an interactive, live life retrospective,” the show has Emily June Newton, with stubble painted on her face and eye shadow up to her eyebrows, smoking a fat cigar. “Flamboyant” might be underselling it. Newton, an Australian cabaret star and comedian, has settled in Portland to develop this one-woman show after touring internationally and collecting MFA degrees in places like San Francisco. Summerfest passes are $60 and include four shows over four weekends, through July 17. CoHo Theatre, 2257 NW Raleigh St., 503-220-2646. 7:30 pm ThursdaySunday, June 23-25. $20.

The Red Ten Minute Play Festival

This iteration of the Clinton’s recurring festival features locally written, 10-minute plays, each with a unique set of writers, directors and actors and all themed after the color red. From a serial killer fan club to a collision between Sigmund Freud and Hester Prynne to a oeno Tinder date at Laurelhurst Park, every local art piece comes in a bite-sized portion. Clinton Street Theater, 2522 SE Clinton St., 503238-5588. 6 pm Friday-Saturday, June 24-July 2. $5.

The Skriker

Two women, one just on the cusp of adulthood and the other a soon-tobe mother, are visited by a shapeshifting spirit known as the Skriker in the newest Portland staging of the Caryl Churchill play. Churchill’s dystopian works have been rife on Portland stages lately. The eerie Far Away killed it at Shaking the Tree, and Love and Information felt like a tornado inside Shoebox Theater this spring. True to that, The Skriker is set in a “climate of violence and environmental destruction.” Third Rail Rep has the chops to stage an “ethereal production.” Hell, they made Todd Van Voris doing an Elvis impression on a tabletop seem suave. While Skriker’s women struggle to process their own conﬂicting feelings, audiences should feel decidedly satisﬁed. Imago Theatre, 17 SE 8th Ave., 503-231-9581. 7:30 pm WednesdayFriday, 2 and 7:30 pm Saturday and 2 pm Sunday, June 24-July 2. $11.50.

NEW REVIEWS American Idiot

High energy angst? Check. Heroin withdrawals set to rock music? Check. Eyeliner and neckties? Check. Everything you could want from the actors of Triangle Production’s American Idiot is there in full force, but on opening night, the show was wrought with technical diﬃculties. Director Don Horn’s choice to stage American Idiot—a production that should be a seizure-inducing, explosive light show of a rock opera— in the quaint Sanctuary at Sandy Plaza was a huge risk. Triangle paid the price for it at points during the show. The acoustics of the room, which used to be used as a church, were not built for power chords. Faulty mic problems throughout the show ended up with actors singing at diﬀerent volume levels and loud static interrupting guitar solos. The opening was a lesson in commitment, as performers powered through the technical struggles. Regardless, Triangle Production’s American Idiot has great potential, if they can get their mics under control. RUSSELL

HAUSFELD. The Sanctuary at Sandy Plaza, 1785 NE Sandy Blvd., 503-239-5919. 7:30 pm ThursdaySaturday, through July 2. $15-$35.

Our New Girl

Blue moonlight falls through the window of an all-white kitchen, hitting a small mirror on the table and bouncing back onto the steel blade of a knife in the hand of a somber young boy in Nancy Harris’ suspenseful, domestic drama from Corrib Theatre. In this chilling twist on idyllic expat life, mompreneur Hazel is privileged, pissed and pregnant. Her husband Richard, who is heroically away fixing burn victims in war-torn countries, hired a nanny named Annie (without consulting his wife). Our New Girl is a show made of tense dialogue and fierce gazes. Fitting Corrib Theatre’s trend of dark Irish plays, the show mines its characters and script for the drama. Portland mainstay Nikki Weaver is a perfectly restrained Hazel, lips pursed as she contemplates her failure—not being a gorgeous Italian woman who effortlessly feeds a baby while kneading bread, running a vineyard and wearing stilettos. We get stuck with things we don’t like, posits Harris’ Girl. For audiences enjoying director Gemma Whelan’s finely curated mini-season, though, this fourth and final show feels anything but stuck. JESS DRAKE. Portland Actors Conservatory, 1436 SW Montgomery St. 7:30 pm Thursday-Saturday and 2 pm Sunday, through June 26. $25.

ALSO PLAYING Stupid Kids

Enter Joe McCarthy High School in Anytown, America circa 1980-something. It’s a petri dish of drama, where two gay friends struggle with their budding hormones. Neechee is a recluse who falls for the town rebel. Kimberly is loud and proud and in love with the “it” girl. This staging of John C. Russell’s Oﬀ-Broadway satire comes from Post5’s new management, including Rusty Tennant, who also oversees the OUTwright LGBTQ-dedicated theater festival. It’s the “MTV generation’s” view of coming out, staged in an old Sellwood church. Extra show 7:30 pm Thursday, June 23. Post5 Theatre, 1666 SE Lambert St. 7:30 pm FridaySaturday, through June 25. $20.

Weekend at Bernie’s

Not that Bernie. This might the the longest-running summer show in Portland, but the comedic buddy tale won’t last until election night. Instead, Portland’s top improv talents stage the bumbling tale of two guys trying to convince the world that their boss is not dead. Think Oﬃce Space with 1980s Hawaiian shirts, mob bosses and super hot babes, inside Portland’s best new comedy venue. After the show, enjoy the fragrant Old Town scene outside. The Siren Theater, 315 NW Davis St. 10 pm Friday-Saturday, through July 30. $16.

COMEDY & VARIETY Al’s Den Comedy Night

Danny Felts brings comics—mostly local standups and Seattleites passing through—for an hourlong showcase. Sometimes the best part is watching Crystal Hotel guests awkwardly sidle by the stage, wearing only a swimsuit and towel, on their way to the pool behind this basement bar. Al’s Den, 303 SW 12th Ave. 10:30 pm Fridays and Saturdays. Free. 21+.

CONT. on page 66

A FINE FRENZY MEETS RIOT GRRRL: Haley Heynderickx.

FEATURE

Riffing on Heynderickx THE ART-MONDO SHOW TURNS LOCAL SONGS INTO IMPROV SKITS.

into a roast. I think everyone needs to be roasted at some point, and I’m ready if it comes to that.

Why do you think they would roast you? Haley Heynderickx is not an easy roast target, The stories for my songs can be cheesy. I love to cram but she is prepared for the worst. The soft-spoa lot of emotion into them. I have a few really cheesy ken singer, who once entered a National Public songs—like about my parents’ first date—things I’m sure Radio contest with an acoustic ballad about the would work well for a comedy set. We all have our mild edge of the world, is hardly inflammatory. She is masochist side, and mine is prepared for the worst. from Stockton, Calif. Tonight, Heynderickx will be the newest fodDo you have your set list planned? der for Art-Mondo, a Kickstand Comedy I know I’ll play “Fish Eyes,” and probably improv show that takes local musi“I THINK “Drinking Song.” These guys are workcians’ original work and twists it ing on the fly and thinking off the top EVERYONE into skits. Regurgitating music as of their head, so I want to feel out improvised theater, Kickstand’s NEEDS TO BE the night. If they’re struggling, I monthly event invites musicians to might give them something serious. ROASTED AT perform, then its veteran improv If they’re killing it, jumping in to my group interviews the singer and SOME POINT” ego and subconscious, I might pull riffs on each song. back and just give them something - HALEY HEYNDERICKX Before playing Kickstand, Heyndercheesy. ickx explained why she’s OK with actors cannibalizing her work, and why she loves Whose Is it hard to let your songs be raw material for Line Is It Anyway? ENID SPITZ. actors to riff on? When you love something, you have to let it go. WW: What local comedy do you like? Those songs are therapeutic for me. I needed them Haley Heynderickx: I’ve only gone to a couple when I needed them. When you finish it, you have of local comedy shows. When you’re so involved to let it out. To share them with comedy makes me with the music scene, it’s hard. I am kind of bad at really joyful, because I love comedy. intermingling. So this is you intermingling? It’s like, how does comedy become accessible if you’re not used to seeing shows? Maybe you just watch it online. This is for the people who are used to going to shows, but not seeing comedy. I am just going to do my best to not cry if it turns

What’s next for your music? Sitting on a stack of songs, a complete album, and just waiting to find a way to record them. SEE IT: Art-Mondo featuring Haley Heynderickx is at Kickstand Comedy Space, 315 NW Davis St. 8 pm Wednesday, June 22. $5 suggested donation. All ages. Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

PERFORMANCE

A guided tour of 8 zip lines in a beautiful setting.

Curious Comedy Open Mic

Sign up start at 7:15, and every comic gets a tight three minutes onstage in this weekly show hosted by Andie Main. Curious Comedy Theater, 5225 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 477-9477. 8 pm Sundays. Free.

Earthquake Hurricane

503-861-9875 92111 High Life Road, Warrenton, OR highlife-adventures.com

After a week off, EQH is back, sans Curtis Cook. While Cook headlines around Ohio and California, hosts Alex Falcone, Anthony Lopez and Bri Pruett hold down the fort, with guest host Nariko Ott. They’re probably Portland’s top comics today, and the bike shop’s bar stays open till 10:30 (officially). The guests are Jason Traeger, Jon Durnell from L.A. and Walker Glenn from San Fran. Velo Cult, 1969 NE 42nd Ave. 9 pm. $5 donation.

Extra Cheese

online against one another for a chance to compete in Friday Night Fights the next week. It’s first come, first served, and every groups gets 17 minutes. Curious Comedy Theater, 5225 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 477-9477. 9:30 pm every second and fourth Thursday. Free.

DANCE Ripped City Male Revue

Saturday is Bachelorette night at Funhouse is hosted by Cabaret de Caliente and Tana The Tattooed Lady, with male dancers, drink specials and the sexy raffle. Every fourth Saturday, through October. Funhouse Lounge, 2432 SE 11th Ave., 503-841-

6734. 10 pm Saturday, June 25. $15.

The Village 2016

African tradition headlines one of Portland’s swankiest theaters for a night—a showcase of West African dance, drumming and storytelling from a diverse range of African traditions. The young dance groups are joined by an all-male Baramakono drumming ensemble, the professional Sébé Kan drumming company and Mali-famous storyteller Baba Wagué Diakité. Winningstad Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway, 503-248-4335. 7:30 pm Saturday, June 25. $30.

For more Performance listings, visit

REVIEW OWEN CAREy

Brodie Kelly’s weekly pizza party/ comedy showcase gives locals a tight 5 for standup, and coincides with happy hour: $2.50 pints. Hotlips Pizza, 2211 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 234-9999. 8 pm Mondays. Free.

Open Court

This weekly, long-form improv show combines performers from many Portland theaters and troupes. Newbies are welcome and teams are picked at random, then coached by an improv veteran before taking the stage. Curious Comedy Theater, 5225 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 477-9477. 7:30 pm Thursdays. $5.

Portland’s Funniest Person Prelims

The search for Portland’s new funniest person continues, and only three preliminary rounds remain. Week 3 of the competition closes out with performances by Zak Toscani, Jake Silberman, Bri Pruett, Dinah Foley and Alana Eisner. The second-to-last evening of preliminary comedy features Ben Harkins, Caitlin Weierhauser, Trevor Thorpe, Iris Gorman and Elizabeth Teets. Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th Ave., 888-643-8669. 7 and 10 pm Thursday and Tuesday, June 23 and 28. $10. 21+.

Reefer Madness

Anyone who’s smoked a J knows the inevitable hallucinations, hit-and-run car accidents, suicidal ideation, manslaughter and general descent into madness that follows, as the 1936 propaganda film Reefer Madness first taught us. Funhouse’s musical transforms the scare piece into lighthearted satire. Funhouse Lounge, 2432 SE 11th Ave., 503-309-3723. 7 pm Thursday-Saturday, June 23-July 23. $25-$30.

Rod Man

Winner of the eighth season of Last Comic Standing, Rod Man continues the recent run of LCS alums visiting Portland. With credits including Nick Cannon’s Wild ’n Out, BET’s One Mic Stand, and The Bad Boys of Comedy on HBO, Rod Man is the type of comic who, if you miss him in a club, you’ll see him starring in his own sitcom (he’s got something in development with Wanda Sykes). Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th Ave., 888-643-8669. 7:30 and 10 pm Friday-Saturday, June 24-25. $25-$33. 21+.

Sunday School

Workshop students, veteran crews and groups that pre-register online perform long form improv every Sunday. Curious Comedy Theater, 5225 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 477-9477. 6 pm Sundays. $5 suggested donation.

Supernova

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Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

Brody’s students showcase their improv, sketch and standup skills— a different class each week. Brody Theater, 16 NW Broadway, 224-2227. 7:30 pm Thursdays. $5.

Thursday Night Throwdown

Curious’ twice-monthly competition pits teams that apply in advance

CAse of the mondAys: (from left) Linda Austin, Jacob Coleman and Cristi miles.

All Effects on Deck

Instead of a program, the box office hands over a folder containing 100 pre-show procedures and instructions to “look busy.” The seats are 30 office chairs, with great lumbar support, rolled up next to one another in a plywood office space. Through a large pane window, you see a storage room stacked with water cooler jugs. Everyone looks busy. Procedures for Saying No is a prequel to Portland Experimental Theatre Ensemble’s last three shows, and the final piece in its “constellation” of plays inspired by Moby-Dick. Starting with Drowned Horse Tavern last July, PETE has staged sea shanty cabaret, a play starring multiple Ahabs and put audiences in hammocks in a dark basement. Imagine Steve Carell riffing on Melville—that is Procedures. Loosely based on the short story Bartleby, the Scrivener, it follows a Wall Street clerk who one day refuses to work, with the only explanation being: “I would prefer not to.” Instead, he moves into his office, is imprisoned and dies there. Yet again, PETE puts you in the center of the action. Offices are sites of awkward visits to workstations, meetings that could have been done by email, hating or dating co-workers, and multifunction printer malfunctions. You’ve wanted out, but you haven’t left. The PETE company swiftly establishes this repetitive, reliable work routine, shuffling around doing average office duties. Then a tsunami of strange theatrical effects hits. Supernatural lighting, amplified vocals, hydrotechnics and ferocious costuming replace the routine. Erika (Cristi Miles), an office worker who has been shirking her tasks, transforms into a mermaid gorgon, 7 feet tall, covered in a pelt of hair and seaweed as she takes inventory of the water jugs. The asshole boss (Jacob Coleman) strips to his skivvies, hairy and howling as he pisses on a desk. The dutiful assistant (Linda Austin) becomes a barnacle attached to the desk, contorting along the surface in slow motion. As Peter Ksander’s plywood set vomits up its unexpected special effects, pity the stage crew that swabs the deck every night. JESS DRAKE. The Office turns into an underwater adventureland in Portland Experimental Theatre Ensemble’s Procedures for Saying No.

see it: Procedures for Saying No is at Shaking the Tree Theatre, 823 SE Grant St., petensemble.org. 8 pm Tuesday-Saturday, 2 and 8 pm Sunday. Through July 2. $25.

WILLAMETTE WEEK’S ED BY PRESENT

PROCEE DS BEN EFIT

V ILL AG G AR DE NSE

WE DN E SDAY, JULY 13 2 2 20 N W Q U I MBY ST | 5 TO 9PM OP E N TO TH E PUBLIC | ALL AGES

RSV P FOR F R EE // O R P U RC H A S E $22 V I P FOOD TIC KET VIP TICKET INCLU DES 6 BB Q SA M P L ES, T WO DRIN KS A N D A $2 DON AT ION TO V I L L AG E G A R D E N S.

VOT E FO R YO U R FAVO RITE B B Q ! RUSSE LL STR E E T BBQ | RE VE RE N D'S BBQ | POD NA H’ S PI T | A ND M ORE T BA B EER BY BRE AKSIDE BR E WE RY // MUSIC BY XRAY. FM DJ S

RSV P OR BU Y TI C K E TS: W W E E K .CO M / B O P PA RTY 2016

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

VISUAL ARTS By JENNIFER RABIN. TO BE CONSIDERED FOR LISTINGS, submit show information—including opening and closing dates, gallery address and phone number—at least two weeks in advance to: Visual Arts, WW, 2220 NW Quimby St., Portland, OR 97210. Email: espitz@wweek.com.

ALBUM

Photographer Joe Rudko creates a series of assemblages out of photos he found in an abandoned shed. Sorting through thousands of images which were taken over 100 years, Rudko bridges the expanse of time by working with visual commonalities—water, shadows, sky—to create new compositions that speak to the universal human experience. The title of the series, Album, suggests that by culling elements from photos taken over a century by different people, in different parts of the world, one can create a photo album that includes everyone. In the hands of another person, the collage assembly might have fallen flat or have been, at best, uninspired, but Rudko’s masterful understanding of rhythm, negative space and composition makes the work moving and transcendent. PDX Contemporary Art, 925 NW Flanders St., 503-227-5111. Through July 2.

Case Work: Studies in Form, Space & Construction

Architect Brad Cloepfil and his architecture firm Allied Works Architecture (AWA) are responsible for the Wieden + Kennedy headquarters, the redesign of new PNCA mothership, and international projects such as The National Music Centre of Canada. Portland Art Museum is showing a retrospective of their work in which a fabricated steel structure, like the skeleton of an unfinished building, houses the firm’s concept models—as aesthetically beautiful as any sculptures you have ever seen—made from wood, brass, resin, metal and concrete, to name a few. Displayed alongside the models are the corresponding material studies for each project, which give us insight into how the architects use things like resin, pinecones, wooden dowels, printed plastic, and stone to play with texture, luminosity and surface. The firm’s original sketches for each project are hung around the gallery, highlighting the importance of process and showing us how an idea can materialize into form. Portland Art Museum, 1219 SW Park Ave., 503-226-2811. Through Sept 4.

Get Real

If you want a schooling on the difference between photorealism and hyperrealism, check out the group show at Stephanie Chefas Projects. Photorealist pieces, like Eric Wert’s large-scale graphite rendering of a cactus and Jeff Ramirez’s fullcolor painting of a hand holding a bunch of artificially dyed roses, will make you rub your eyes in disbelief. Faithful facsimile is a photorealist’s prerogative, far more important than the meaning of the object they are replicating. On the other hand, hyperrealists have a different agenda, as exemplified by Delfin Finley’s painting Dead Man Walking, a portrait featuring a man lying contorted, his head turned, face mashed into the floor. The painting is hung sideways, so the figure appears to be pressed against a wall, the

sky and the ground splitting the composition vertically. Finley renders part of the ﬁgure with glitchy brush strokes, adding to the aesthetic disorientation, showing us that as a hyperrealist, he also has something to say. Stephanie Chefas Projects, 305 SE 3rd Ave., No. 202, 310-990-0702. Through July 2.

Land Ohne Eltern (Country Without Parents)

Due to economic hardship, it is a common practice for parents in the Republic of Moldova (formerly part of the Soviet Union) to leave their children behind while they seek work in other countries. Photographer Andrea Diefenbach follows some of these parents abroad to document their hard labor. Her series Land Ohne Eltern gives us both sides of the heartbreaking story, by showing images of parents alongside intimate portraits of the children back in Moldova who are being raised by family, friends or, in some cases, no one. Blue Sky Gallery, 122 NW 8th Ave., 503-225-0210. Through July 3.

Or Fact a Formal Treatment

Artist Robert Schlegel and his son Rob Schlegel, a poet, collaborated on a series of visual and textual works on paper. Using dictionary pages as his canvas, the elder Schlegel drew acrylic and charcoal ﬁgures against a wordy background that his son scoured for the building blocks of his poems. The resulting work, shown as limited-edition archival prints, shows form interrupted by language and language obscured by form, causing us to look at both more critically and with greater curiosity. Roll-Up Photo Studio + Gallery, 1715 SE Spokane St., 503-267-5835. Through June 30.

Out There

Printmaker Alyson Provax is interested in “how we approach that which we do not know.” In Out There, Wolﬀ Gallery’s second exhibition, Provax uses monotype, collage and the experimental letterpress techniques she is known for to explore the mysteries of the universe. In one piece, she prints the phrase “I felt the sound more than heard it,” and repeats it diagonally across the paper, like a mechanical glitch that conveys the faded echo of a UFO-encounter story. Wolﬀ Gallery, 618 NW Glisan St., Suite R1, 971-413-1340. Through July 3.

Out West Back East

Entering Adams and Ollman feels like walking into painter Sarah McEneaney’s diary, where she chronicles, with naive technique, the experiences of her daily life. Water features prominently in selfportraits of the artist camping along the banks of the river, night swimming in a fenced pool, and rafting under a starred sky. Out West Back East also gives us a glimpse into McEneaney’s domestic life: curled up with a book on a friend’s sofa or at home with her

animals. McEneaney’s intimate and autobiographical canvases feel distinctly feminine in the way that they draw is into her world and capture the ephemeral moments that might otherwise pass us by. Adams and Ollman, 209 SW 9th Ave., 503-724-0684. Through July 8.

COURTESY OF LESLIE VIGEANT

= WW Pick. Highly recommended.

Specular

When you arrive at Hap Gallery this month, the space will be completely empty save for a pair of enormous black goggles hanging on the wall, trailed by a long chord. Putting them on transports you into an immersive virtual reality installation, designed by artist Damien Gilley, that resembles the digital future promised to us by sci-fi films of the ’80s (think Tron). Neon green and fuchsia lines, like laser beams, define the planes of the room, giving you the impression that you are inside a threedimensional blueprint drawn by an architect on hallucinogens. Gilley developed the installation during a residency with the interactive software company dotdotdash, which coded the program so that Gilley could draw and edit the environment himself, in three dimensions, using wireless remotes in both hands. Gilley employs such economy of gesture, giving us so much to navigate with so little. Hap Gallery, 916 NW Flanders St., 503-444-7101. Through July 9.

Subduction

When you walk into Upfor to survey the exhibition, there is a vanished and unknowable quality to the work. You tell yourself that if you get closer, each piece will reveal itself. But strangely, surprisingly, gloriously, that never happens. Even when you look at the materials list for each of the 2-D pieces, it’s impossible to tell how the images were created. And this feels entirely freeing. Upfor’s ambitious mission to show time-based and new media work that often centers on technology, can cause its exhibitions to feel disjointed. But with Subduction, a three-person show featuring the work of artists Sharon Koelblinger, Harold Mendez and Ronny Quevedo, Upfor has created a beautifully cohesive show. Upfor Gallery, 929 NW Flanders St., 503-227-5111. Through July 9.

The United States v. Tim DeChristopher

Some artists devote themselves to creating objects, others to creating awareness. Andrea Bowers, an artist and social activist, falls into the latter category with her documentary short The United States v. Tim DeChristopher. The ﬁlm, projected in the back gallery at Elizabeth Leach, tells the story of DeChristopher’s protest of an oil and gas auction in Utah’s untouched Red Rocks region. In an attempt to prevent drilling, DeChristpher bid on 22,000 acres of land totaling $1.8 million dollars and, upon winning, refused to pay. There are setbacks and triumphs to how things turn out—and I don’t want to spoil it—but Bowers shows us how the average person can take on powerful forces to change great swaths of our country. Elizabeth Leach Gallery, 417 NW 9th Ave., 503-224-0521. Through July 16.

For more Visual Arts listings, visit

IT’S A MIRACLE! STARTER KIT 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

REVIEW

Slay

Strips of artificial turf crunch underfoot when you enter Soltesz Fine Art, leading you through Leslie Vigeant’s conceptual show about the synthetic standards of feminine beauty, titled Plastic Growth. “Why do we force our bodies to fit into impossible molds,” Vigeant asks, “and how do we deal with the reality that we cannot?” Follow the plastic carpet and you will arrive at Synthesized Horizon, an installation in which eight iPhones grow weedlike out of floor sockets, their cords trailing like roots. The screens play flashing GIFs of women getting waxed, plucked and Botoxed, smiling all the while. One phone, playing instructional videos on contouring, features women streaking their faces, cleavage, buttocks—even toes— in dark makeup like war paint. They become an army of cosmetic warriors fighting for the right to make things appear bigger or smaller than they actually are. Vigeant’s wicked sense of humor appears everywhere, but never is she more wry than in her sculpture Healthy Shiny Hair, which is nothing more than a pile of synthetic brunette clippings lying dead on a shelf under an anemic grow light. It is one more wink at the ways we try to force the impossible to make ourselves more appealing. Tufts of fake hair pour out of the mouths of five Miracle-Gro bottles in It’s a Miracle! Starter Kit 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Vigeant uses the containers in many of her sculptures as a symbol of our belief that, given the right products, we can make anything bigger, brighter and more luscious. Vigeant, who is a skilled painter, complements her sculptures with a few memorable 2-D pieces in Plastic Growth. Delicate, papery flowers open wide in the background of a giant canvas over which Vigeant has painted “LIE TO ME IN A SOFT VOICE LIKE A NICE BOY,” the letters glowing pink like a neon sign. In Welcome to the Club, Vigeant has painted over a digital print of cheery white flowers with similar letters that read, “IT JUST DOESN’T LOOK GOOD ON YOU.” She takes us from the bullshit platitudes of yesteryear to the new brand of punishingly hard truths that we cite as progress in our treatment of women. It is nearly impossible to put together a conceptual exhibition of 2-D and 3-D work that offers thoughtful social commentary while being funny, sad and infuriating. Vigeant has done it. JENNIFER RABIN. “As women, we are taught to feed others,” says Plastic Growth artist Leslie Vigeant.

SEE IT: Plastic Growth is at Soltesz Fine Art, 1825 NW 23rd Ave., 971-276-9097. Through July 9.

WILLAMETTE WEEK’S 2016

Event: October 15 Application Due: June 30 68

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

Pro and Home Brewer bit.ly/WWBeerProAm2016

BOOKS = WW Pick. Highly recommended. By JAMES HELMSWORTH. TO BE CONSIDERED FOR LISTINGS, submit lecture or reading information at least two weeks in advance to: WORDS, WW, 2220 NW Quimby St., Portland, OR 97210. Email: words@wweek.com. Fax: 243-1115.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 22 Mark Russell & Shannon Wheeler

Mark Russell and New Yorker cartoonist Shannon Wheeler ﬁrst teamed up for 2013’s God Is Disappointed in You, which condensed every book of the Bible into a few, jokey, pop-culturereferencing pages with illustrations. With Apocraphya Now, Russell and Wheeler are back on the blasphemy beat, giving the same treatment to the Apocrypha, sacred texts that, like the Gnostic gospels, weren’t quite up to Bible standards. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 800-878-7323. 7:30 pm. Free.

Moby

Composed, scientists suspect, almost entirely of stars, the celestial body known as Moby has been gracing the earth with dance music since the early ’90s. His book, Porcelain, tells the story of his upbringing by a single mom in Connecticut through the New York clubs. He will only be signing books, not performing or reading. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 800-878-7323. Noon. Free.

THURSDAY, JUNE 23 Cindy Brown

A young woman gets a job aboard a literary-themed cruise line while working for her private investigator uncle. It’s the latest mystery from Multnomah Village writer Cindy Brown. Annie Bloom’s Books, 7834 SW Capitol Highway, 503-246-0053. 7 pm. Free.

Sallie Tisdale

As an essayist for Harper’s, The New Yorker and magazines that scary doctor dude from The Wire doesn’t read, Portland writer Sallie Tisdale has covered everything from the workings of an abortion clinic to high school social dynamics to Buddhism. Some of these essays are compiled in a new collection called Violation, named for a piece about how her writing aﬀects her family. Broadway Books, 1714 NE Broadway, 284-1726. 7 pm. Free.

Bill Lascher

Mel and Annalee Jacoby, both foreign correspondents in China, were enjoying their ﬁrst month of marriage on New Year’s Eve 1941 in Manila when the Japanese began bombing the city. They spent the war one step ahead of the Japanese as some of the only reporters in the region. Bill Lascher tells their story in Eve of a Hundred Midnights using their personal letters, interviews and other probing research. Powell’s Books at Cedar Hills Crossing, 3415 SW Cedar Hills Blvd., Beaverton, 800-878-7323. 7:30 pm. Free.

Alain de Botton

Alain de Botton is a philosopher, perhaps best known as the founder of the School of Life (one of the more famous sub-branches of the University of Hard Knocks, probably) and his profuse writings on love, happiness and, uh, Proust? His new book, The Course of Love, is a novel that tells readers how little about love they actually understand. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 800-878-7323. 7:30 pm. Free.

FRIDAY, JUNE 24 Chuck Klosterman

Rock and sports critic Chuck Klosterman’s new book, But What If We’re Wrong?, attempts to explain the ways in which everything we believe now will, in the future, seem very wrong. Which sets up a weird paradox, if we’re being honest, about why you should even read this book. Powell’s

City of Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 800-878-7323. 7:30 pm. Free.

MONDAY, JUNE 27 Sloane Crosley with Arthur Bradford

Sloane Crosley is the author of two essay collections, I Was Told There Would Be Cake and How Did You Get This Number, that set the standard for the “aloof New Yorker essay collection.” Her new novel, The Clasp, tells the story of three aging 20-somethings at a college reunion struggling to renegotiate their relationships. She’ll be joined in conversation with Turtleface and Beyond author Arthur Bradford. Powell’s Books on Hawthorne, 3723 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 800-878-7323. 7:30 pm. Free.

TUESDAY, JUNE 28 Mychal Denzel Smith

Being a black man, argues Mychal Denzel Smith, is paradoxical: On one hand, black men occupy increasingly prominent positions in society, ranging from “The One Scientist Anyone Can Name” to president of the United States. But on the other, young black men are still getting killed by police for the crime of existing. In Invisible Man, Got the Whole World Watching, Smith, a contributor at The Nation and a fellow at the Nation Institute, lays out a new guide to being a black man in 2016. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 800-878-7323. 7:30 pm. Free.

REVIEW

Lisa Hanawalt, HOT DOG TASTE TEST

“They taste a bit like petroleum, and they’re a little extra soft from the boiling,” Lisa Hanawalt writes of New York street hot dogs. “But throw some ketchup and relish on there and tell me that doesn’t taste ‘okay!’” Hanawalt’s comedy comes in part from granting the banal a degree of attention uncommon outside of standup sets. Her comics about food, published first in McSweeney’s food magazine Lucky Peach and now in her book Hot Dog Taste Test (Drawn and Quarterly, 176 pages, $22.95)—are both absurdly funny and meticulously engaged with their subject. There may be a few other food cartoonists out there in the world, but Hanawalt is definitely the only one who’s won two James Beard food-writing awards in the past four years. This is despite the fact that food writing isn’t even the main thing she does. She’s probably best known as the character designer for the Netflix series Bojack Horseman—those anthropomorphized animals are her thing—not to mention her previous comic collection, My Dumb Dirty Eyes, and her podcast with comedian Emily Heller, Crybabies. But the same way Damian Lillard is a better rapper than a lot of people who think it’s their full-time career, it turns out talent isn’t evenly distributed. Hanawalt’s food writing, accompanied by her absurdist art, is not only funny but manages to capture food in all its horrifying particulars. “You can stick petit fours onto the end of crab legs, tie them to your fingers, and run around calling yourself Edward Crabcakehands,” she says of the all-you-can-eat buffet at the Cosmopolitain hotel in Las Vegas, “and you will simply be offered more crab.” Both non-superhero comics and millennials like the 32-yearold Hanawalt are regularly derided for their solipsism, but that self-consciousness serves Hanawalt well. In “On the Trail With Wylie,” her profile of WD-50 chef Wylie Dufresne, this leads her to a heretofore unprecedented analysis of upscale restaurants’ restrooms, not to mention the elitist exoticism of high-end food. “Urchins taste like whipped semen,” she writes. “If Wylie doesn’t like tomatoes, I don’t have to like urchins.” Though this may be surprising for someone who makes a living as an illustrator, Hanawalt is actually at her best in the more text-based pieces in Hot Dog Taste Test. These are augmented by looser comics, lists and doodles, whose styles range from sketchpad vagary to rich watercolors to the clean lines of Bojack. Some of these fare better (a glossary of food photography terms) than others (a watercolor of, uh, people standing around a hole?), and a surprising number deviate pretty far off the book’s “comics about food” hook. But even that can’t take away from the excitement of Hot Dog Taste Test. It’s the joy of discovering an entirely new thing: the illustrated comic food review. JAMES HELMSWORTH.

Portland Nonprofits! It’s time! Apply for the 2016 Give!Guide and Nominate someone for the Skidmore Prize

LIVE UNTIL JUNE 30 AT GIVEGUIDE.ORG “Give!Guide is a toolkit that allows nonprofits to have a really successful, professional yearend giving campaign. WW does all of the heavy lifting, such as creating the website, gift processing and city-wide promotion, and PPN! just works really hard to educate people about how important our work is and encourage people to donate. G!G allows us to raise more money than we ever could on our own.” —Julie Miller, former Development Director, PDX Pop Now!

SEE IT: Lisa Hanawalt is at Floating World Comics, 400 NW Couch St., ﬂoatingworldcomics.com, on Friday, June 24. 7 pm. Free. Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

= WW Pick. Highly recommended. Editor: ENID SPITZ. TO BE CONSIDERED FOR LISTINGS, send screening information at least two weeks in advance to Screen, WW, 2220 NW Quimby St., Portland, OR 97210. Email: espitz@wweek.com. Fax: 243-1115.

OPENING THIS WEEK Accidental Exorcist

B+ Director and star Daniel Falicki’s Accidental Exorcist balances the indie and the horror in a quirky flick about Richard Vanuck (Falicki), a born exorcist struggling through a midlife crisis. Vanuck battles the familiar face sores, dead eyes and demonic moans rife in 1973’s The Exorcist, but his sarcasm adds comedy to the disgusting scenarios, like when Vanuck exclaims that demon puke always tastes like cream of mushroom soup. Constantly drunk and plagued by indecision, Vanuck seems cut out only for this line of work. One devil at a time, whether a bloody demon in a bathtub or a kid who’s lost his jaw function, every exorcism in this Exorcist amounts to hokey thriller entertainment. PG-13. AMY WOLFE. Clinton Street Theater.

The Fits

A- Director Anna Rose Holmer’s first feature film, The Fits, introduces a young, tomboy boxer named Toni (Royalty Hightower) and her struggle to fit in. When Toni pivots from boxing and joins an all-girl dance team, the Lionesses, she’s lost in the lip gloss and girly-girl attitude of the dancers. Holmer’s film never loses its punch, though. Drawing on slow-motion shots of workouts, dance scenes, and mysterious fainting spells that begin to afflict the dancers, the director avoids the cutesy approach to preteen struggles that we usually expect from such films. In the best scenes, dancers take over urban areas, like a highway overpass, with their heavy breathing echoing across the cityscape as the camera pans out. NR. AMY WOLFE. Living Room Theaters.

Free State of Jones

Matthew McConaughey’s latest is a gritty Civil War drama going for the grim but rousing type of war film we have not seen much of lately. McConaughey plays historical figure Newtown Knight, a poor white farmer in Mississippi who led a revolution against the Confederacy. From Gary Ross, the director behind Seabiscuit and the first Hunger Games, Free State is a Hollywood perfect story and early awards contender. Screened after deadline; see wweek.com for Ezra JohnsonGreenough’s review. R. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Fox Tower, Living Room Theaters, Lloyd, Tigard, Vancouver.

Independence Day: Resurgence

Director Roland Emmerich waited 20 years to revisit Independence Day, perhaps to give civilization a chance to fix up all the landmarks the aliens blew up so he can lay waste to them once again. Will Smith won’t be back in his star-making turn, but Jeff Goldblum and other essential cast members are back to stammer and stare wide-eyed as monuments go boom once more. Not screened for critics. Not a good sign. PG-13. AP KRYZA. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Lloyd, Pioneer Place, Tigard, Vancouver.

The Neon Demon

Divisive Danish provocateur and psychopath Nicholas Winding Refn’s latest is a horror fable set in L.A.’s fashion scene. It was drowned out by boos at Cannes, which, depending on your disposition, is either a great sign or a bad one. We ranked every Refn film in anticipation (see page 73). R. Clackamas.

C O U R T E S Y O F E M P I R E WA R D

MOVIES The Shallows

In this shark thriller for the 2010s, Blake Lively is Nancy, a pro surfer who gets stranded on a rock 200 feet from shore after being attacked by a great white shark. If you can ignore that this is directed by the guy who made House of Wax, the ambiguous trailer implies a smarter movie than it looks like on paper. Screened after deadline; see wweek.com for Lauren Terry’s review. PG-13. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Lloyd, Pioneer Place, Tigard.

Portland Jewish Film Festival

Week 2 of the 24th annual festival gets personal. PS Jerusalem, a documentary made of close-ups, intimately follows a family building during everyday life in Jerusalem. Studentteacher boundaries get blurry in director Nadav Lapid’s The Kindergarten Teacher. In the enchanting, subtitled movie about schoolteacher Nira (Sarit Larry), she obsesses over a student’s poetic talent, and Lapid zooms in on the consequences of overwhelming support. Then, Vita Activa: The Spirit of Hannah Arendt profiles the GermanJewish philosopher and activist and her 1960s upheaval. More like a book on tape than a film, the movie relies on audio mixed with flashes of film scenes reciting Arendt’s letters and personal pieces. NR. AMY WOLFE. NW Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium. Full schedule at nwfilm.org.

STILL SHOWING Alice Through the Looking Glass

D James Bobin has turned down the quirk from Tim Burton’s atrocious predecessor—viewers are mercifully spared another Johnny Depp dance number—but the basic problems remain. Alice is a bland action hero. Helena Bonham Carter’s Red Queen is ear-piercingly obnoxious. Depp’s Mad Hatter just plain sucks. Time (Sacha Baron Cohen, with a thick German accent) provides an occasional laugh here and there, but they’re surrounded by a mess of lame attempts at wit, faux profundity and unearned emotional resolutions. It’s bad, and everyone involved should feel bad. PG. JOHN LOCANTHI. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, Clackamas, Division, Living Room Theaters, Vancouver.

The Angry Birds Movie

Perhaps the greatest FinnishAmerican collaboration this decade is this movie based on a game based on anger management therapy and avian flu. PG. Beaverton Wunderland, Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Vancouver.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

D Batman and Superman are fighting, and it’s hard to choose a side. The new Superman is boring and out of place in the 21st century. Batman, on the other hand, has been reinvented as a huge dickhead. Played by Ben Affleck with a characteristic lack of gravitas, Batman walks around in a silly metal suit killing people. You know how Batman never kills people? He does now. Even when he doesn’t have to. He even tries killing Superman because, you know, “he might be bad later.” With nobody to root for, BvS:DoJ is just an unconscionably long slugfest simultaneously attempting too much and accomplishing almost nothing. PG-13. ALEX FALCONE. Avalon, Vancouver.

Captain America: Civil War

A- Captain America: Civil War,

though, is proof you can jam pretty much every superhero in your roster into one film and still let individuals shine. In pitting team Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.) against Team Cap (Chris Evans) over a suspiciously fascist registration law for “enhanced humans,” directors Joe and Anthony Russo could have just put the heroes in a

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

dressed to kill: Jake Paltrow, Brian de Palma and Noah Baumbach.

REVIEW

The Untouchable De Palma SCARFACE ’S DIRECTOR STARS IN A DOC ABOUT HIMSELF MADE BY FANBOYS NOAH BAUMBACH AND JAKE PALTROW.

himself the only filmmaker who truly emulates Hitchcock’s narrative style. It is that hardheaded sense of self that strengthened his determination to stay true to his visual style and earned him the followers who will bask in this film.

For film buffs who would kill to have lunch with their favorite New Hollywood director, DePalma is your dream date with the creator of Carrie, Scarface, Dressed to Kill and The Untouchables. Sitting in what looks like the living room of fanboys/directors Noah Baumbach or Jake Paltrow, Brian De Palma walks us through his life and IMDb page. De Palma briefly mentions his Quaker childhood in New Jersey and being drawn to filmmaking after watching Vertigo while studying physics at Columbia University, but he’s as impatient to get to his own movies as we are. As a storyteller, De Palma is the classic aging boomer. All the “holy mackerels” and good-natured chuckles make him so relatable that when he says “Bobby” you forget he means Robert De Niro. Clips from De Palma’s films, influences such as Hitchcock, and even home movies from his pal “Stevie” (Steven Spielberg) are woven into his yarn, with only De Palma’s voice narrating the film. In fact, this documentary is exclusively De Palma on De Palma. Free of the usual parade of talking heads, De Palma draws out the director’s revealing opinions on his career. He goes so far as to declare

De Palma’s take on the movie biz is refreshing because, although he is considered one of the most artistic directors of the past 40 years, he makes no fuss about inspiration or originality. “People talk a lot about directors being ‘too much’ or ‘going overboard,’” he says at one point, “but in my movies, I just did what made sense to me. I get asked a lot, ‘Why did you have to kill her with such a big drill bit in Body Double?’ It was the only logical way to shoot it, in my mind. The bit had to go through the floor in that scene. Of course it had to be that big.” Many will come for the behind-the-scenes gossip from the sets of De Palma’s iconic films. Yes, screenwriter Oliver Stone was thrown off the set for being a total shit during the filming of Scarface. But it’s De Palma’s breakdown of the unwritten laws of Hollywood and his demystification of filmmaking technique that make this an important film for any moviegoer. Not to mention his explanation of how hip-hop saved Scarface. LAUREN TERRY.

big-ass sandbox and let them duke it out. They do that, and it’s spectacular. But there’s nothing redundant in the action here, from a Bourne-esque opening chase to close-combat thrills reminiscent of The Raid to a surprisingly subdued and heartfelt finale. The Russos have heard your complaints about universe-building at the expense of story. Civil War is fun. It’s smart. It’s coherent. And, most importantly, it allows its heart to beat strongly amid the chaos. Your move, DC. PG-13. AP KRYZA. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Fox Tower, Oak Grove, Tigard, Vancouver.

Central Intelligence

C A buddy action comedy that relies on cheesy stunts, penis jokes and bro buffoonery—like most of its genre brethren—Central Intelligence is a far cry from anything resembling intelligence. Dwayne Johnson, once the overweight target of bullies in high school, shows up 20 years later as a steroid-ridden CIA agent who recruits

B+ see it: De Palma is rated R. It opens Friday at the Hollywood Theatre.

former classmate Kevin Hart, now a number-crunching desk jockey, to help him solve a case. Between killing people for a living, Johnson references unicorns and Molly Ringwald, giving the stale story a little zest. Johnson and Hart might update the Schwarzenegger-DeVito duo from Twins for millennials, but Intelligence can’t deliver anything we haven’t seen before. PG-13. MICHELLE DEVONA. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Lloyd, Oak Grove, Pioneer Place, St. Johns Pub and Theater, Tigard, Vancouver.

The Conjuring 2

B- First thing’s first: The Conjuring 2 is often very scary. The story of a downtrodden British family in Enfield tormented by the vengeful spirit of an old cockney man ups the voltage slowly but steadily. Never mind that the true story is reportedly a hoax: Scary’s scary, and for at least its first hour, C2 delivers an old-school haunted-house experience of the Poltergeist variety. Thing is, we’ve seen this before. In

between creating the Saw series and launching Vin Diesel off a skyscraper in Furious 7, director James Wan has more or less been revisiting the same funhouse during the course of the Insidious and Conjuring films, which are essentially interchangeable except for Conjuring’s ’70s setting. Still, Wan seems content painting over the same canvas, adding flourishes that are richer and scarier with each pass. If he wants to keep tinkering, we’ll keep coming, because when Conjuring 2 is scary, it’s in a class of its own. R. AP KRYZA. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, Cine Magic, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Lloyd, Oak Grove, Pioneer Place, Tigard, Vancouver.

The Divergent Series: Allegiant, Part 1 D Undistinguishable from its counterparts, Part 1 ’s excessively dull proceedings are punctuated by generic action scenes in which the Bureau of Genetic Welfare uses a bunch of weirdo army shit to kidnap little kids and wipe their brains clean. PG-13. MIKE GALLUCCI. Vancouver.

Everybody Wants Some!!

A- Richard Linklater’s newest film

doesn’t have a plot. But you’ll hardly realize it—and you probably won’t care. Everybody Wants Some!! says “fuck that” to Hollywood convention, which makes sense for the filmmaker who stunned the world with Boyhood’s artful filmmaking techniques that still broke the box office. this “fuck it” attitude also makes sense for a film that follows a college baseball team in 1980s texas through the three days before school starts. R. SoPHIA JUnE. Kennedy School, Laurelhurst.

Eye in the Sky

C+ the year’s first movie on the ethics of drones, and the last film featuring Alan Rickman, misses its mark. British col. Katherine Powell (Helen Mirren) tracks infamous terrorists to a house in nairobi, Kenya. to stop the suicide bombing they’re planning, Powell orders a Predator drone to destroy the house. the only problem is a small, hula-hooping neighbor girl. the plot arc is more of a plot sine wave, with the withering Lt. Gen. Frank Benson (Rickman as a wandless Professor Snape in olive drab) throwing up his hands and staring down the people who just refuse to blow that little girl up already. It’s not Rickman’s fault (RIP) that his dry humor is out of place in a movie about the ethics of vaporizing people with missiles.. R. ZAcH MIDDLEton. Academy, Laurelhurst, Vancouver.

Finding Dory

B+ the sea has become a little more existential since nemo got found. For 13 years, the entire world eagerly awaited Pixar’s sequel and the return of Ellen DeGeneres as the forgetful Dory. this time, Dory is on a quest to find her family. the Nemo clan’s all here—the Socal sea turtle still stoned—plus the introduction of a likable, pessimistic octopus named Hank (Ed o’neill) and catty sea lion (Idris Elba). the film keeps its Nemo charm and comedic voices while offering a more serious tone for Pixar’s message: We are all special, in our own way. You can sway to the singing stingrays, 3-D giggle at a nearsighted hammerhead shark and appreciate the humor in fish residing in a rehabilitation center for “sick” sea life. there’s tears to fill a tide pool, wit to keep adults amused, and laughs for any audience with a short attention span. You will (hopefully) remember a majority of this film. PG. AMY WoLFE. Bagdad, Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Lloyd, Milwaukie, Moreland, Oak Grove, Pioneer Place, Roseway, St. Johns 1 & 2, Tigard,

Genius

thomas Wolfe’s novels have largely faded from public memory, and Genius is more interesting for it. Despite a couple “Welcome to literary history!” banners unfurling in the form of Hemingway and Fitzgerald asides, it’s a movie of timeless artistic arguments between writer and editor—about the nobility and pitfalls of prose and pruning that prose. Played loudly by Jude Law, Wolfe is flamboyantly Southern and verbose. the historical drama’s heart, however, belongs to colin Firth guardedly portraying editor Maxwell Perkins. Housed mostly in a drab, Depression-era office at Scribner, Genius fails like so many author movies to make the creation of brilliant fiction compelling. But peel back the cheese and half-done parts for Perkins’ family, and the central parable on loneliness, friendship and business would survive most editors’ pencils. PG-13. cHAncE SoLEM-PFEIFER. Fox Tower.

Green Room

B+ Patrick Stewart plays the big bad leader of a backwoods gang of white supremacists. the punk-rock band that falls into his clutches is loosely led by Anton Yelchin (Scotty in the new Star Trek films), and the band is on an unsuccessful tour, taking a detour to play a paying gig at a neo-nazi compound. there, the band witnesses a murder that these guys won’t let them walk away from. the characters on both sides are loosely drawn but smart enough not to make stupid decisions, which makes the delay of action last longer than expected. Like Akira Kurosawa, Saulnier finds the anticipation of violence more cinematic than its outcome, which are brief but gratuitous acts that leave a stain. the outcomes are unpredictable, shocking, grisly and really fun. PG-13. EZRA JoHnSon-GREEnoUGH. Academy, Laurelhurst.

Hello, My Name is Doris

B Enter the mind of Doris, where 20-something men with waxed chests rip off their shirts and slam her passionately against the wall. Until someone wakes her from the daydream. Doris is a whipsmart comedy that pokes fun at the ultra-curated youthful lifestyle, while avoiding the recent trope of seniors finding a place amid the nostalgic fascination of millennials. You can almost feel John trying not to laugh as he offers customblended artisanal cocktails to Doris during Friendsgiving at his place. PG-13. LAUREn tERRY. Academy, Laurelhurst.

Honeyglue

C A twee romp through the familiar territory of indie faux-rebellion, James Bird’s Honeyglue goes through all the regular motions. this time the leads are Morgan, the naive and terminally ill teenage daughter of a loving family, and her love interest Jordan, a sanctimonious and gender-bending rebel with a dark past. After a cute shotgun wedding, the couple commits a cute robbery and randomly kidnaps a doctor—but in, like, a cute and consequence-free kinda way. A powerful scene sporadically appears, but there’s also a song-and-dance number, children’s animation within the narrative, and the forced use of 19 mm film. As it tackles issues like cancer, death and gender dynamics, Honeyglue is a lot like Portland: conventionally unconventional. R. cURtIS cooK. Clinton Street Theater.

The Huntsman: Winter’s War

B It’s been called an unnecessary sequel. And it may be, but as a steadfast lover of swords and sorcery films, I must steadfastly protect it like the citadel Guards of Gondor. this sequel functions as both a prequel and sequel to the first film, and it actually does a competent job of completely leaving out Snow White. the thing is, Kristen Stewart as Snow White was the worst thing about the first film. She functioned almost solely as a lightly emoting MacGuffin with too much screen time. Snow White’s absence is more than made up for by a very game Jessica chastain as the huntsman’s feisty partner, who is a lot of fun as a badass warrior, and chris Hemsworth does Hemsworth well as the over-cocky, macho title character. compared to similar genre entries recently, like The Last Witch Hunter, 47 Ronin and Seventh Son, it’s practically a masterpiece, and if I was 13 years old, it might be my favorite film. PG-13. EZRA JoHnSon-GREEnoUGH. Avalon, Jubitz, Valley.

Keanu

B- the movie is named after the adorable escaped pet of a Mexican drug lord, and the poster is of said kitten, but the film’s real draw is clear: Jordan Peele and KeeganMichael Key, the comedy duo from the gone-too-soon sketch show Key and Peele and the not-gonesoon-enough MADtv. Key (the bald, tall one) plays neurotic family man clarence, while Peele plays Relle, his desperate, recently dumped cousin. Relle finds Keanu, only to have the cat stolen in a Lebowskian

cont. on page 72

coURtESY oF SEctoR 5 FILMS

Vancouver.

ACCIDENTAL EXORCIST Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

COURTESY OF TWENTIETH CENTURY FOx

MOVIES

enID sPITz

Murmurs P.6

INDEPENDENCE DAY: RESURGENCE drug mixup. This sends the cousins on a quest to rescue the kitty, which involves posing as assassins, doing a terrifying drug and some cold-blooded murder. It’s essentially a movie extrapolation of that bit about “White Sounding Black Guys,” which leads to some hilarious moments, like one-upmanship over who got beaten up by tougher guys. At the same time, it’s a skinny framework for carrying a movie. R. JAMES HELMSWORTH. Academy, Jubitz, Kennedy School, Laurelhurst, Valley, Vancouver.

The Lobster

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DisTribuTeD AT Powell’s yeAr rounD, PorTlAnD’s #1 TourisT ATTrAcTion!

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B+ The Lobster is one of those dystopian sci-fi movies that needs to spend the first 30 minutes laying down the ground rules of the setting. David (Colin Farrell) is single, which is outlawed, so he goes to a singles retreat. But there is one catch: If you don’t find a mate within 60 days, you will be turned into an animal. On the plus side, you get to pick your animal. David chooses the lobster. Interesting concept, though this vision of the future mostly involves Farrell, John C. Reilly, Rachel Weisz and the rest of cast speaking in a dull, passionless monotone. R. JOHN LOCANTHI. Bridgeport, Cinema 21, City Center, Hollywood, Lloyd.

Love & Friendship

B+ Kate Beckinsale stars in Whit Stillman’s vicious comedy of manners as Lady Susan Vernon, an accomplished flirt and recent widow who guilts her sister-in-law into hosting her and then brings a maelstrom of drama into the household, mainly in the form of would-be suitors and a runaway daughter. Lady Susan may have no shame, but Beckinsale plays up her character’s propriety, always pronouncing her witty, backhanded comments with a composed pout. Anything besides another Pride and Prejudice remake would feel radical, but Stillman manages to play with the text’s catty eloquence in a modern way, reminding us of Austen’s audacity and sense of humor. R. LAUREN TERRY. Bridgeport, City Center, Clackamas, Fox Tower.

Maggie’s Plan

B As evidenced in Frances Ha and Mistress America, Greta Gerwig’s go-to acting move is convincing us of her character’s unbearable superficiality before letting the humanity surface. Playing a chronically single woman who falls for a wannabe novelist, she pulls off a similar feat in Maggie’s Plan with the help of a terrifically severe performance from Julianne Moore as the novelist’s wife. From writerdirector Rebecca Miller, the film’s ambience is the heir to ’70s Woody Allen, right down to the gypsy

jazz. R. CHANCE SOLEM-PFEIFER. Cedar Hills, Clackamas, Fox Tower, Hollywood, Tigard.

Me Before You

D Take me back to before I witnessed the train wreck that is Me Before You. Based on Jo Jo Moyes’ bestselling novel, it’s no surprise the film’s death with dignity plot is already suffering backlash ranging from angry twitter hashtags to picketing outside film screenings. Spontaneously ditzy Lou (Emilia Clarke) is hired to care for Will Turner (Sam Claflin), a job that includes trying to convince Turner he shouldn’t end his life because of a disability he suffers from since an accident years ago. PG-13. AMY WOLFE. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Fox Tower, Lloyd, Tigard, Vancouver.

The Meddler

C Just as her thick eyeglasses turn her brown eyes into saucers, Susan Sarandon magnifies all angles of her worrywart mother character, the titular Meddler. From writerdirector Lorene Scafaria (Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist), the script’s bones are a meaningful reversal of mother-daughter grief and recovery, but they’re forced to support Blues Traveler cameos. PG-13. CHANCE SOLEM-PFEIFER. Academy, Laurelhurst.

Money Monster

C- George Clooney stars as a financial TV show host in the vein of Mad Money’s Jim Cramer, with Julia Roberts as his capable director and Jack O’Connell as the gunman who takes the studio hostage during a live broadcast. The gunman, an average joe seeking revenge for the savings he lost when Clooney’s character promoted bad stocks, is fed up with the 1 percent screwing the little guy. Like a good Bernie Bro, he’s out to expose it all. But like Jon Snow, he knows nothing, and the plot devolves into an unbelievably absurd investigation into the nefarious management of a stock that went tits up, treating the audience like the same fools the rich and powerful think we are. R. EZRA JOHNSONGREENOUGH. Bridgeport, Division, Living Room Theaters, Vancouver.

The Nice Guys

A- The Nice Guys exists in some

weird, hyperviolent mirror image of Los Angeles—one that looks a lot like Atlanta. It’s like Roger Rabbit’s Toontown, but populated with cartoons that bleed. The Nice Guys plays like a 1970s spiritual sequel to writer-director Shane Black’s 2005 Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, a winking landmark of self-aware grit that revitalized Robert Downey Jr.’s career. And it’s kind of perfect. The plot is inconsequential, involving a

dead porn star, a bunch of gangsters, a missing student, some more gangsters and the auto industry. But all of that is just an excuse to get its perfectly cast stars lobbing insults. Showing comic chops that belie his fuckhead reputation, Russell Crowe is hilarious as a broad-bodied bruiser. He’s paired with Ryan Gosling’s shrill, alcoholic PI, whose Buster Keaton-esque clumsiness adds “physical comedy” to the résumé of one of our generation’s biggest powerhouses. Investigating murder and missing persons, they fire off staccato quips as they rocket between scenes—including a crackerjack centerpiece at a mermaid-themed porn party. This movie starts at full speed and never stops. R. AP KRYZA. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, Clackamas, Fox Tower, Lloyd.

Now You See Me 2

C- A hyperbolic spectacle more than anything else, Now You See Me 2 supersedes its predecessor on every level of absurdity. Jesse Eisenberg leads the Four Horsemen in his usual irritatingly haughty fashion as the gang goes on a mission to steal a computer chip that can control the world. Ex-Hogwarts wizard Daniel Radcliffe, whose creepy bearded grin seems a permanent fixture on his face throughout the film, plays the “narcissistic little man-boy” villain who attempts to outwit the smug magicians. Trying too hard to be cool with a string of tricks each more ridiculous than the next, the flashy caper proves anything but magical. PG-13. MICHELLE DEVONA. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Fox Tower, Living Room Theaters, Lloyd, Oak Grove, St. Johns 1 & 2, Tigard, Vancouver.

Popstar

C Even if it doesn’t bring to screen a Wayne Campbell or a Blues Brother, Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping is an SNL movie. From the music parody trio the Lonely Island (Andy Samberg, Jorma Taccone, Akiva Schaffer), the mockumented rise and fall of fame-mongering musician Conner4Real is a sketch’s sensibility spread thinly, or simply repeated, across a film’s length. The comedic rhythm of Popstar may be telegraphed like bass drops in a banger, but its giddy irreverence and excessive talent pose a simple question: “What if this thing you once liked was a movie?” It features a dozen new Lonely Island songs, 30 celebrity cameos and the SNL Digital Short pioneers understanding what they always have: Their imitation and ludicrous exaggeration of radio rap is somehow both appealing satire and joyful tribute. R. CHANCE SOLEM-PFEIFER. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, Clackamas, Fox Tower.

B- A New Wave rock-’n’-roll fairy

tale set in early-’80s Dublin, for fans of quality nostalgia fare like Freaks & Geeks. A 15-year-old boy (Ferdia Walsh-Peelo) seeks to escape the harsh reality of his brutal schoolmasters and splintering home. Under the tutelage of his hash-smoking, dole-surfing older brother, he discovers Duran Duran videos and Cure albums. The story is about as believable as Almost Famous or School of Rock, but that’s not the point. This film fondly recalls John Hughes, tips its hat to Wes Anderson, and repeatedly nods to Back to the Future and “Thriller.” Aside from a touch too much sentimentality in the third act, Sing Street is a heartwarming achievement in the modern (retro) rock musical canon that is held back from a place on the top shelf only because it stands on the shoulders of giants. PG-13. NATHAN CARSON. Laurelhurst.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows C Adults nostalgic for old toys and

unconcerned with plot will delight in this sloppy, campy trip to Michael Bay’s multimillion-dollar sandbox. Interdimensional monster Krang, an alien brain in a robot’s stomach and is voiced by Brad Garrett, is aided by Tyler Perry as a sniveling mad scientist who is also instrumental in getting nerds to cream their pants when punk-rock mutants Bebop and Rocksteady (a warthog and a rhino) start smashing shit and driving tanks. This is a Ninja Turtles movie. It’s what it needs to be. The characters—especially the heroes—are grating as hell, but look great. R. AP KRYZA. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Lloyd, Oak Grove, Vancouver.

Vaxxed

F The documentary by researcher and activist Andrew Wakefield that links mumps, measles and rubella vaccine (given to all children in their infancy) to autism is dangerous. Not dangerous in a cool, countercultural, Hunter S. Thompson sense, but in the sense that not vaccinating your kids is dangerous. It has the potential to spread diseases eradicated decades ago. Diseases that leave people brain-damaged and sterile. Vaxxed is a mess. It starts with an animated history of the MMR vaccine, before getting to Wakefield’s research, which has since been completely discredited. Using sound bites from autism journalists, activists and parents of autistic people, and a few shorthand notes from a Centers for Disease Control meeting schedule, it posits that the CDC suppressed evidence the MMR vaccine causes autism to retain funding from Big Pharma. Parents’ testimonials are the most compelling part of Vaxxed. It’s moving to watch them sacrifice everything to raise their children and organize activism on behalf of their offspring. It’s also emblematic of what’s wrong with this documentary. It’s not scientific evidence. A teary-eyed anecdote about how a kid started showing signs of autism after getting a vaccine does not mean we should stop vaccinating. Correlation is not causation. Vaccinate your goddamn kids. NR. JAMES HELMSWORTH. Cinema 21.

Warcraft

D+ With Warcraft, writer-director Duncan Jones has managed to squander the creative momentum and critical goodwill he’s amassed, presenting another generic and listless excursion into a wasteland of storytelling misery. A tremendous ensemble of pretty-boy Humans and CGI Orcs play out petty concerns to no resolution for over two hours of meandering story that’s only function is to set up sequels. Die-hard veterans of the games will find fun in seeing icons come to a bizarre sort of life, but the incomprehensible spectacle will crush the uninitiated. The film’s few saving graces include batshit insane spellcasting effects, the likes of which

have never before been committed to the screen (and are solely responsible for this film not receiving an F). The other high—an enraged gryphon kicks a few Orc dudes off a cliff. Shame on you, Duncan. PG-13. MIKE GALLUCCI. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Milwaukie, Oak Grove, Pioneer Place, Tigard, Vancouver.

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Sing Street

Weiner

A Whether or not the disgraced

politician practicing lines behind the lectern is actually contrite is almost beside the point. His name is Anthony Weiner, and he’s been busted for dick pics (again). Weiner shifts his posture and raises his chin, imagining how all this will look at the upcoming press conference. “And for that, I am profoundly sorry,” he says over and over, trying to affect the perfect tone of sincerity. He knows how important it is to get the optics right. Weaving together clips from cable news shows, YouTube videos, and footage filmed onsite at crucial moments, the new documentary Weiner shows the rise and eventual implosion of Weiner’s 2013 campaign for mayor of New York City. It’s the unprecedented level of access to the subject that makes Weiner a necessary and unflinching look at how the sausage of modern politics gets made. During a moment when he has just learned of a second wave of allegations about his digital infidelities, Weiner asks his closest advisers (but not the cameraman) to leave the room so he can talk to his wife, Huma Abedin. Viewed from across the blank, newly rented office, as if from a crouch in the corner, we see a marriage go into nuclear meltdown. It’s tense and awkward, but the weirdest part is that Weiner would allow the moment to be caught on film. Directors Josh Kriegman and Elyse Steinberg warn us, lest we grow sanctimonious, that Weiner is just one member of a political ecosystem that rewards spectacle over real news. (A Google search of “Donald Trump” yields about 250 million results.) R. ZACH MIDDLETON. Cinema 21.

X-Men: Apocalypse

B+ The latest in the X-franchise

proves that the Marvel Cinematic Universe is not the only home for A-grade superhero fare. With Apocalypse, writer Bryan Singer has finally steered the ship back on course, crafting one of the greatest comics pictures to date. The film opens in ancient Egypt, introducing the titular villain as the first mutant. Oscar Isaac portrays the blue-skinned Apocalypse then, aping Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now. Jennifer Lawrence and Michael Fassbender return as Mystique and Magneto, respectively, and Hugh Jackman makes a brief but satisfying cameo as the pre-Wolverine Mutant X. Factions on the internet will inevitably find reasons to hate this movie. The Egyptians will be too pale for some. The question is: Do you want to have fun and enjoy a comic book turned into a quarter-billion-dollar feature film or would you rather stay home reading Proust? PG-13. NATHAN CARSON. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Fox Tower, Lloyd, Oak Grove, Tigard, Vancouver.

Zootopia

B Every dynamic, doe-eyed character in this animated adventure brings laughs for the kids, and hope for adults that their children won’t adopt Donald Trump ideals. There’s a lesson under every hoof, inside every snout, and behind every bubbly buttocks. PG. AMY WOLFE. Academy, Avalon, Empirical, Kennedy School, Valley, Vancouver, Joy.

THE NEON DEMON: Elle Fanning.

Refn Films, Ranked WITH THE NEON DEMON OPENING FRIDAY, WE REVISIT THE DIVISIVE DANE’S BATSHIT FILMS. BY A P kRYz A

Few modern filmmakers are as divisive as Danish provocateur and psychopath Nicholas Winding Refn, he of neon-drenched landscapes and blood-soaked elevator shafts. Refn’s latest, The Neon Demon, is a horror fable set in L.A.’s fashion scene. Demon was drowned out by booing at Cannes, our disposition. In anticipation of its opening this Friday, we ranked his previous films, from worst to best.

9. Bleeder (1999)

Bleeder is the work of an artist trying to find a voice, but tripping on his worst tendencies. It’s slow, sadistic and, worst of all, boring.

8. Fear X (2003)

John Turturro stars as a nebbish security guard unraveling his wife’s murder. And sitting quietly. A lot. It comes off as a made-for-TV David Lynch-Coens hybrid, minus anything interesting.

7. Pusher II (2004) Mads Mikkelsen’s low-rent sidekick is promoted to leading man in this surprisingly staid redemption tale. It’s still a sleazy drug movie, but this time with less evisceration. It’s also marks a transition to maturity for the director himself. 6. Only God Forgives (2013)

How a movie billed as Ryan Gosling fistfighting the Angel of Death in Thailand could under-deliver is astonishing. It is worth a look, if only for Kristin Scott Thomas’ performance as the most evil screen mother ever. You’ll hate it. But you won’t be able to shake it, either.

5. Pusher (1996) “A desperate drug dealer racing to pay back a kingpin” could describe 90 percent of direct-to-video movies in 1996. That Pusher is somehow a standout is a miracle, and it established Refn as a filmmaker to watch. 4. Bronson (2008)

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Tom Hardy and his dong give their best performances in this batshit biopic about notorious British

celebrity convict Michael “Charles Bronson” Peterson. The film is like a cross between A Clockwork Orange, a prison flick, vaudeville and a fever dream, and in it Refn finally finds his eye for manic art.

3. Pusher III (2005) The Pusher series’ finale shifts focus to aging drug lord Milo (Zlatko Buric) as he deals with murder and Ecstasy trafficking while preparing for his daughter’s 25th birthday. Strangely, Milo is sympathetic: He’s just a dad trying to give his daughter a proper birthday. And shoving hunks of Albanian down a garbage disposal. 2. Valhalla Rising (2009)

Refn goes full Aguirre in this trippy tale of a mute, one-eyed gladiator who follows Christian Vikings into a foggy hellscape that might be America. Shot with natural light in the Scottish highlands, it is one of the auteur’s most divisive films—kicking off with brutal violence before seguing into a long, wordless sea voyage. It is a master class in crazy.

1. Drive (2011) Audiences were promised a Fast & Furious-style romp with Ryan Gosling playing a stunt man moonlighting as a getaway driver. What they got was a pure distillation of cool, a neondrenched ode to Michael Mann and Walter Hill that conveys depth with wordless glances. It’s pure style. Pure romance. A blood-drenched masterpiece that is not just Refn’s best. It’s one of the best of the decade. A l so showin G :

The Blues Brothers makes its way to Pix, with the assumption that it’s not OK to throw fancy glassware at the screen during the honky-tonk sequence. Pix Pâtisserie. Dusk Wednesday, June 22. The Mission doubles down on sing-alongs with The Wizard of Oz and The Wiz. Mission Theater. Both open Friday, June 24. The Wiz is 21+. Billy Zane and his nut-hugging purple body suit get the Hecklevision treatment with a screening of the 1996 bomb The Phantom. Hollywood Theatre. 9:30 pm Saturday, June 25. POW Fest presents a revival of Jamie Babbit’s scathingly funny 1999 teen flick But I’m a Cheerleader, which follows a confused queer girl’s journey to—and awakening at—a misguided sexual re-education summer camp. Clinton Street Theater. 7 and 9 pm Monday, June 27.

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Toke Like It’s Tupperware HAPPY PARTIES ARE THE LATEST IN CANNABIS MARKETING. BY E N I D S P I T Z

espitz@wweek .com

Tupperware and weed go way back—probably even as far as the 1950s, when some bohemian housewives must have immediately seen the burping seal as a great way to keep their weed fresh. As the legalization and normalization of cannabis opened a new world of business opportunities, it was probably only a matter of time until someone in Portland brought the direct sales party model to weed. That’s just what HAPPY Parties LLC did. “ We had to change the name,” says cocreator Terri Nopp. “Banks wouldn’t give us a loan if we called ourselves Host a Pot Party, so it turned into HAPP and we added the Y.” HAPPY Parties are like Tupperware parties, except with strain samples and toking implements. They were created by Nopp and business partner Amber Tippets, who pass the dutchie as they educate partiers about terpenes and the history of cannabis prohibition. It’s equal parts middle-school science fair presentation, cocktail party and Costco sampling extravaganza. You’d never know it from looking at the house on Nor theast K lick itat Street, but inside a dozen bongs a re lined up on the mantel, a full-size pot plant stands where the coffee table should be, and a display of 4Play Lube sits in front of the fireplace. “Welcome to the Klickishack” reads a sign by the waivers in the foyer. Nopp and Tippets take turns explaining the basics, backed by a batik wall hanging and posters titled “Terpenoid Education” and “Indica or Sativa” while attendees pass around jars of f lower to sniff. Attendees circled on couches around the room range from an older

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

man who is curious about how bongs work to young women who found HAPPY Parties on Facebook, and local cannabis writer and Potlander contributor Tyler Hurst. An aspiring HAPPY Party consultant sits in for training purposes, and a home grower has brought her partner along. In the kitchen, lemonade a nd a respect able cha rcuter ie spread keep everyone fed and hydrated. First, the worst: HAPPY Parties, like all party plan marketing schemes, feel a little exploitative. They rely on guilting friends into spending money on potentially useful products so the host can get a cut. Adding weed to the equation is either the best thing ever or the worst, depending on your tolerance. After sampling the products, all social guilt and responsibility might conveniently leave your brain. On the other hand, you may be blissed out enough to drop $30 on a rubberlipped ash tray, $75 on the Monsoon Water Pipe, and $175 on the Magical Butter Machine, which makes cannabis butter in an hour and cleans itself. The Pax II is $40 cheaper than retail, but still $240. Nopp and Tippets are banking on the latter scenario. Now soliciting consultants, doing T V spots a nd pitching edible compa nies, they’re also expanding to offer add-ons like lip balm-making parties, meditation or yoga. Next week’s party includes a Chakra-inspired art project. “It’s legal, because we don’t charge,” says Nopp. Free is a cheap price for testing topshelf bud from the industry’s best vapes. And while you might have to sit through a spiel about linalool versus limonene, if you answer Nopp’s trivia questions—like which organization financed the scare film Reefer Madness— you get a prize to stash in your Tupperware. GO: HAPPY Party with Chakra crafts is at 10380 SW Washington St., happyparties. com. 7 pm Friday, June 24. Free, RSVP required.

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

BY N AT E WAG G O N E R

W W S TA F F

When Hawthorne Was the Hot Dog District 2220 NW QUIMBY STREET, PORTLAND, OREGON

I watched a hipster girl walking down Southeast Hawthorne Boulevard recently. She was with her boyfriend (also a hipster), and it looked like they were trying to find somewhere to eat. The boyfriend pointed at Nick’s Famous Coney Island as they were passing by. She stopped, looked in the window, and turned up her nose—literally, turned her nose skyward at it. Now, you might be saying, “Who cares? It’s just a hot dog.” Well, sure, I understand that, and I don’t expect much in the way of decorum from hipster transplants. But when it comes to blatant snobbery, this pretty much takes the cake, and illustrates a point about how much our city has changed in the past two decades. All of Hawthorne—from the river to Mount Tabor—used to be the Hot Dog District. Back then, there were more places to buy a hot dog on Hawthorne than there are to park a bicycle now. New Portlanders probably don’t realize it, but that’s where the name Hawthorne actually comes from. It was originally called Blankenship Street, but the bend in the street where a bunch of great hot-dog joints that are now closed was nicknamed “Hawt (Dog) Horn(e).” Sure, we still have Nick’s Famous and Zach’s Shack, but gone forever are Don’s Dogs, Houdini’s Hots (“you’ll make ’em disappear!”) and Great Dane’s Meat Depot. It really is a shame. Portland used to be such a great hot-dog city, and hot dogs are such a blue-collar food of the people: cheap, filling, portable. The decimation of our city’s hot-dog restaurants just goes to show how Hawthorne has gone from being a street for everybody to a tourist nightmare. Dr. Mitchell Millar is president of the Olde Portland Preservation Society, which this weekend will hold its traditional Elk Roast on the banks of the Tualatin River. The roast is a potluck dinner open to native Portlanders, who are asked to bring a dish from James Beard’s long out-of-print Trail to Oregon Recipebook.

Willamette Week JUNE 22, 2016 wweek.com

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for the Manhattan Project 23 Kermit sipping tea with the caption “But that’s none of my business,” e.g. 24 Credited in a footnote 25 Red Muppet who’s always 3 1/2 years old 28 Digging 30 Author of “J’accuse” 33 Liam of “Taken” 35 Grabs a bite 38 ___ du pays (homesickness) 39 “Please keep in

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MUSICIANS MARKET ARIES (March 21-April 19) “The past lives on in art and memory,” writes author Margaret Drabble, “but it is not static: it shifts and changes as the present throws its shadow backwards.” That’s a fertile thought for you to meditate on during the coming weeks, Aries. Why? Because your history will be in a state of dramatic fermentation. The old days and the old ways will be mutating every which way. I hope you will be motivated, as a result, to rework the story of your life with flair and verve.

What you focus on expands. 4. Do what you have always done, and you will get what you have always gotten. 5. Don’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides. 6. Success is simple, but not easy. 7. Don’t listen to your drunk monkey. 8. Clarity is power. 9. Don’t mistake movement for achievement. 10. Spontaneity is a conditioned reflex. 11. People will grow into the conversations you create around them. 12. How you participate here is how you participate everywhere. 13. Live your life by design, not by default.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) “Critics of text-messaging are wrong to think it’s a regressive form of communication,” writes poet Lily Akerman. “It demands so much concision, subtlety, psychological art -- in fact, it’s more like pulling puppet strings than writing.” I bring this thought to your attention, Taurus, because in my opinion the coming weeks will be an excellent time for you to apply the metaphor of textmessaging to pretty much everything you do. You will create interesting ripples of success as you practice the crafts of concision, subtlety, and psychological art.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) No pressure, no diamond. No grit, no pearl. No cocoon, no butterfly. All these clichés will be featured themes for you during the next 12 months. But I hope you will also come up with fresher ways to think about the power and value that can be generated by tough assignments. If you face your exotic dilemmas and unprecedented riddles armed with nothing more than your culture’s platitudes, you won’t be able to tap into the untamed creativity necessary to turn problems into opportunities. Here’s an example of the kind of original thinking you’ll thrive on: The more the growing chamomile plant is trodden upon, the faster it grows.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) During my careers as a writer and musician, many “experts” have advised me not to be so damn faithful to my muse. Having artistic integrity is a foolish indulgence that would ensure my eternal poverty, they have warned. If I want to be successful, I’ve got to sell out; I must water down my unique message and pay homage to the generic formulas favored by celebrity artists. Luckily for me, I have ignored the experts. As a result, my soul has thrived and I eventually earned enough money from my art to avoid starvation. But does my path apply to you? Maybe; maybe not. What if, in your case, it would be better to sell out a little and be, say, just 75 percent faithful to your muse? The next 12 months will be an excellent time for you to figure this out once and for all. CANCER (June 21-July 22) My meditations have generated six metaphorical scenarios that will symbolize the contours of your life story during the next 15 months: 1. a claustrophobic tunnel that leads to a sparkling spa; 2. a 19th-century Victorian vase filled with 13 fresh wild orchids; 3. an immigrant who, after tenacious effort, receives a green card from her new home country; 4. an eleven-year-old child capably playing a 315-year-old Stradivarius violin; 5. a menopausal empty-nester who falls in love with the work of an ecstatic poet; 6. a humble seeker who works hard to get the help necessary to defeat an old curse. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) Joan Wasser is a Leo singer-songwriter who is known by her stage name Joan As Police Woman. In her song “The Magic,” she repeats one of the lyric lines fourteen times: “I’m looking for the magic.” For two reasons, I propose that we make that your mantra in the coming weeks. First, practical business-as-usual will not provide the uncanny transformative power you need. Nor will rational analysis or habitual formulas. You will have to conjure, dig up, or track down some real magic. My second reason for suggesting “I’m looking for the magic” as your mantra is this: You’re not yet ripe enough to secure the magic, but you can become ripe enough by being dogged in your pursuit of it. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Renowned martial artist Bruce Lee described the opponent he was most wary of: “I fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10,000 times.” In my astrological opinion, you should regard that as one of your keystone principles during the next 12 months. Your power and glory will come from honing one specific skill, not experimenting restlessly with many different skills. And the coming weeks will be en excellent time to set your intention. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) To celebrate my birthday, I’m taking time off from dreaming up original thoughts and creative spurs. For this horoscope, I’m borrowing some of the BOLD Laws of author Dianna Kokoszka. They are in sweet alignment with your astrological omens for the next 13 months. Take it away, Dianna. 1. Focus on the solution, not the problem. 2. Complaining is a garbage magnet. 3.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) The royal courts of Renaissance England often employed professional fools whose job it was to speak raw or controversial truths with comedic effect. According to the Royal Shakespeare Company, Queen Elizabeth once castigated her fool for being “insufficiently severe with her.” The modern-day ombudsman has some similarities to the fool’s function. He or she is hired by an organization to investigate complaints lodged by the public against the organization. Now would be an excellent time for you to have a fool or ombudsman in your own sphere, Sagittarius. You’ve got a lot of good inklings, but some of them need to be edited, critiqued, or perhaps even satirized.

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CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Capricorn journalist Katie Couric is a best-selling author who has interviewed five American presidents and had prominent jobs at three major TV networks. What’s her secret to success? She has testified that her goal is to be as ingratiating and charming as she can be without causing herself to throw up. I don’t often recommend this strategy for you, but I do now. The coming weeks will be prime time for you to expand your web of connections and energize your relationships with existing allies by being almost too nice. To get what you want, use politeness as your secret weapon. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) “The water cannot talk without the rocks,” says aphorist James Richardson. Does that sound like a metaphor you’d like to celebrate in the coming weeks? I hope so. From what I can tell, you will be like a clean, clear stream rippling over a rocky patch of river bed. The notreally-all-that-bad news is that your flow may feel erratic and jerky. The really good news is that you will be inspired to speak freely, articulately, and with creative zing. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Every now and then you may benefit from being a bit juvenile, even childlike. You can release your dormant creativity by losing your adult composure and indulging in free-form play. In my astrological opinion, this is one of those phases for you. It’s high time to lose your cool in the best possible ways. You have a duty to explore the frontiers of spontaneity and indulge in I-don’t-give-acluck exuberance. For the sake of your peace-of-soul and your physical health, you need to wriggle free of at least some of your grown-up responsibilities so you can romp and cavort and frolic.

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