Bumble is First Class Funk

Hail to the Kief

What to smoke to ease your Inauguration Day anxieties.

BY BRIANNA WHEELER

In the days surrounding the inauguration, it’s not outrageous to expect some variation of redcapped chaos—in fact, it’s closer to being an inevitability. If you’re feeling anxious over the current state of a airs, maybe now is a good time to get stoned to the bone and astro-travel to the utopic Portland of the future. This week, between catfi shing MAGA bros on Bumble and turning them over to the feds and group-hacking Parler to expose insurrectionists, check out one of these super-psychotropic selections. Instead of cursing our comic book villain ex-president, tap into the higher consciousness and get to manifesting a future with actual liberty and justice for all.

For the Emotionally Exhausted: Apple Mac

Apple Mac is cross-bred from the giggly, therapeutic MAC1 and the CBD-rich Trophy Wife, which both produce euphoric, stress-relieving highs. The resulting cultivar is a balanced, responsive hybrid, It has a low-key zip that makes it great for day use and a cashmere-soft head high that also makes it a nice end-of-day smoke—truly, an all-purpose flower. Apple Mac’s sour-sweet perfume has a peppery edge and a tangy exhale. The buds are wicked dense and resinous, making even a one-hitter bowl last through several sticky inhales.

Get it from: Oregrown, 111 NE 12th Ave., 503-477-6898, oregrown.com.

For the Dating-App Vigilante: First Class Funk

First Class Funk is a complex mashup of sativa hybrid Jet Fuel Gelato and indica hybrid Garlic Cookies. This intensely stank cultivar’s genetics favor a potent indica: The reported high is intensely relaxing, euphoric and introspective, which might be a nice reprieve from hate-baiting trash-ass baby men. First Class Funk’s perfume is gassy, peppery and loud enough to alert any stoners in the vicinity of its presence. The exhale is a spicy, herbal, dense cloud, so prepare your smoke space with the appropriate incense, sage or robust ventilation lest the skunk permeates your walls.

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For the Disillusioned Nihilist: Gucci OG

Gucci is such a balanced cultivar that in small doses, its e ects reportedly skew heavily euphoric and cognitively galvanizing, while heavier intake does pivot toward more debilitating intoxication that can lock users deep in the recesses of their couches. If you’re already of the opinion that life is empty, this strain can fortify that attitude in the best way. “Is existence meaningless or is it a metaphysical vessel waiting to be fi lled with your personal brand of foolishness?” Take a dab to the dome and think about it. Gucci OG’s fragrance is brightly piney and citrusy, with a faint sweetness to the exhale.

Get it from: Truly Pure, 1006 SE Grand Ave., No. 104, 503-719-6018, trulypure.com.

For the Idealistic Reconstructionist: Durban Poison

Getting into a sunny headspace at this moment can be a challenge, but Durban Poison has been turning frowns upside down since the 1970s. Durban Poison is one of a few pure landrace strains, distinguishable from modern cultivars by its pure DNA. The majority of users fi nd this phenotype to be illustrative of a true sativa: euphoric and energetic. When getting lifted is the order of the hour, Durban Poison is a dependable magic carpet ride, with a terpene profi le heavy in limonene, providing a tangy nose and herby mouthfeel.

Get it from: Chalice Farms, all locations, 503-477-7626, chalicefarms.com.

For the Nervous Hand-Wringer: Wappa

If watching a snake eat its own tail makes your heart fl utter with anxiety, a few hits of Wappa can shake loose some of those heebie-jeebies with a super-intense, swooning onset. The creeper high comes on slowly and evenly, developing the type of syrupy body high associated with deep indicas, and the uplifted, sunny, head high of an introspective sativa. When the tension of the nation creeps into your sanctuary, Wappa is the ideal strain for massaging away nervous butterflies.

Uses skew heavily therapeutic, as relief for depression and chronic stress. Expect a candy-sweet nose with a hot streak of diesel funk and a fruity pine exhale. Get it from: Weed Land, 4027 N Interstate Ave.,

Get it from: Budding Culture, 6802 NE Broadway, 503-719-6192, buddingculturepdx.com.

For the Determined Hacker: Lemon Kush

Lemon Kush is a balanced hybrid genetically, but resultswise, expect a decidedly deep intoxication. Smart dosing aside, this is a potent strain. A wide swath of users report feelings of focused euphoria and rubbery relaxation that lend themselves to stationary creative projects. If you’re looking for a strain that will usher you into a fl ow state, Lemon Kush might be a good place to start. As the name suggests, this strain reeks of lemon essence, but users can also expect traces of pepper and pine that round out the nose. The exhale is herbaceous, earthy, and lightly fl oral.

Get it from: Mongoose Cannabis Co., 3123 SE Belmont St., 541-933-8032, mongoosecannabis.com.