Family Faith in Action

Free, new, e-book on family faith experience

Family Faith in

Action

106 Essays on Family Faith by

Robert and Myrlin Shaw

Shaw, Robert C. Family, the Cradle of Character 50 Essays on Family Faith Edited by Myrlin Shaw Shaw, Robertreserved.

C. All rights No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored Family Faith in Action in any retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, or by any

106 Essays on Family Faith

means without prior, written permission of the copyright holder.

The information and images contained in this publication are for Edited by Myrlin Shaw informational purposes only.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in Book design

by Jan Pietkiewicz any retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, or by any means without prior, written permission of the copyright holder. The information and images contained in this publication are for informational Cover photo: FreeImages.com/Fran Flores purposes only.

Cover photo: FreeImages.com/Fran Flores

Š Copyright 2015 by Robert C Shaw

Markham ŠThe Copyright 2018Institute

by Robert C Shaw

98 Kings Park Blvd., Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4J 2C3 www.themarkhaminstitute.org The Markham Institute 20 Athlone Road, Toronto, ON M4J 4H2 www.themarkhaminstitute.org Printed in Canada by

Willow Printing & Publishing Co., Brighton, ON

Dedication High praise to Rebecca and Derek for their outstanding design and production.

Special mention to Gerard for the Vision of the new book.

Recognition of Jan’s great gifts.

Introduction he Christianity that we know is T rapidly shrinking. While there are hostile external forces against our faith, our main challenge is internal.

We are failing to produce the goods - we have lots of words and music but few regenerations.

This book is dedicated to sharing family faith experiences in action. They come from both professional and personal sources. Our hope is that you will share this with your family and friends so that our church will itself be regenerated.

This book is written in the face of our rapid social change that leaves families and churches gasping and groping.

Chapters C hapter 1

Our caring and loving God C hapter 2

Jesus our Lord for life C hapter 3

Christian living C hapter 4

New life with God C hapter 5

Our chaotic world C hapter 6

Future prospects for children C hapter 7

Fellowship and the church C hapter 8

Christian community service C hapter 9

Personal growth C hapter 10

Home and family

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CHAPTER 1

Our caring and loving God How christians miss the mark Risks of families – confusing religion Have we replaced one god with two?

Religion and faith have become at risk in families A christian’s job is 24/7 Too much religion; not enough faith Heart to god; hand to man The jews and the christians

How Christians Miss the Mark Prayer is a risky business. Two of the big risks are getting the message and then living with it.

It cannot be expected to hear an immediate answer to prayer. Instead it is more common for God’s message to come from other sources – reading, a meeting, a phrase coming from a friend and at an unexpected time. The other alernative is not getting a message.

The tough part of no message is wondering what went wrong. A tougher message may be, “NO”. The best thing is to try again with more clarity and more hope.

The bigger risk is that the message is received. We might like it. If we don’t we face a problem – who is right, God or me? This risk gets tougher if the message is not wanted. Here then, is the fundamental question of faith. Will we follow the Lord or go our own way?

Talk about a risk. Going our own way means we are backdoor Christians with one foot out the door, just in case. In that condition, we may be Christian in label but not in the Christian Way of life.

We need to be

careful

what we ask God for

Risks of Families – Confusing Religion The biggest problem of our day is religion. Why? - Because beliefs shape everything – our thoughts, moods, behavior and relationships. The world’s biggest problems come from religions.

There is a very dumb thing at the base of all the nonsense about religion. It is the confusion between religion and faith. A religion is an organization that promotes its beliefs. Faith is a personal decision made by a person and a family. Our faith is our answer to the big question, “What is it all about?”.

Religions are organizations which promote a particular kind of faith, rituals and music. One can belong to a religion without having settled the personal faith question.

The religions will battle things out – in America, the losers are the Christian churches. The big winner is secular,“Do your own thing”, faith.

If we would concentrate on our own faith, we would be light years better off. In the long run we would help the religions stop their verbal confusions. The religions do good when they have intimate groups that share and help each other with their faith decisions.

Do we recognize the vital

importance of faith

in our lives?

HaveWe Replaced One God With Two? Our community has turned away from our 2,000 year experience with The God revealed

by Jesus to two gods - diversity and belongings. In the process we have given up God’s guidance to two new gods.

Diversity is everywhere. We have become tolerant of most differences. The first result is that our attention turns to differences. We search to know the vast number of religious, racial, sexual and cultural differences. We do that so that we can be sure we are tolerant. In that process we lose ourselves because we think we mustn’t stress what we stand for.

We spend most of our time and energy either getting or caring for all our belongings. Our main agenda is working hard enough to pay for all the buying and borrowing. We live in a community that is debt ridden. Our daily worry is debt. Even our annual celebrations feature stuff.

Now every cupboard is stuffed. With the thought of moving comes the horror of having to separate all our stuff.

In our stuffy living, we constantly seek freedom. Blindly, we may not wake up to the fact that we are slaves to our belongings and our creditors. In this process, the priorities for children go down. We are failing to raise our children with the values they will need to face our fast, digital world.

The family

faces big decisions about diversity and stuff

Religion and Faith Have Become at Risk in Families What is supposed to be a great thing can often become the opposite in a family.

Religion comes to families from older family members, friends and a history of religion or not.

In our day, the popular pattern is for each person and each family to decide what, if anything, answers to the name of spirituality. This is of course, too puzzling because the community offers so many different choices now.

There are some hard facts. In the West, Christian denominations are shrinking and losing their touch with youth. The popular focus is secular – that is, on those things that families think that they need. This is too often tied to money.

Youth are entering our diverse communities without faith backgrounds.

In much of community life it is not in fashion to talk about faith. Schools and other public organizations forbid discussion of faith. On spiritual matters, there is an open playing field. The evidence that people are searching can be found on the shelves of the bookstores.

Youth are entering our diverse communities without discussions of faith.

There is a big question: How does the family decide what faith is all about?

Families and their children would be

better off with a decision on faith.

A Christian’s Job is 24/7 When a person makes the big choice from self to God, he signs on fulltime. He believes that the Lord is always present. It is true because being Christian is no ordinary job. It is true because his character will be transformed.

This does not mean that he has to become a missionary or a minister. It means that whatever the job, it is done in God’s spirit of love - homemaker, mechanic, soldier or sailor. One sweeps the floor because it will help and please others - no longer another mundane chore.

For example, let’s take the case of a new military recruit. When she is inducted into the navy, she takes on a new code of ethics. Her uniform is a symbol to herself and everybody else. She is now different because she has answered the call to serve.

Service defines the

purpose of life for Christians

Too Much Religion; Not Enough Faith Religion is: Organized efforts to promote faith Faith is: A personal decision to let God take over one’s life Mr. Stone is confused. If he goes to church does he have faith or is he religious, or what? It all depends!

The ball is in Mr. Stone’s court. If he feels content to show up at church, then that is his answer.

If Mr. Stone suspects that faith is more than skin deep, he has a big job ahead. First he has to decide if he believes God is real and here, helping. That will set Mr. Stone back on his heels. If, in his secret heart, he is part of God’s workings, then he has faith.

If he has doubt, it then depends on how serious these matters are to him. If serious, then he needs to explore to find out if there is something deeper than his skin. He has several options.

He can ask what are the right books he should be reading. He could go to some person from church who acts like a believer should. He could then ask that person to explain faith and its experience.

Here Mr. Stone faces another hurdle. If faith is an inner experience with God, he won’t find his answer from books, or talk. He must experience a clue about this deeper life. How does he do that? He takes some idea he has heard and puts it to test.

The clue that catches his attention is friendliness. Some church people are sincerely friendly.

They are glad to see you and they look you in the eye when they say it. Mr. Stone likes that. So, he will test the idea for three weeks and see what happens.

Before three weeks, some folks say he is looking happy these days. That can be a big clue. If he thinks so, his next step is to want to know more. That is something he will do.

inner experience belief head stuff

Faith is the

;

is

.

Heart To God; Hand To Man Jesus of Nazareth is the world’s most powerful and influential person. Now, for over 2,000years His life and teachings bring a new life of faith, hope and love of God to billions of Christians.

Here are his main messages: • God, the all-powerful creator, is our closest and best friend • Christians together , experience unconditional love and everlasting life • The focus of a Christian’s life is service to others • The power of the Christian God is found in fellowship groups • Christians continue to create a community of churches, schools and agencies • The Christian life is a moment-by-moment, day-by-day experience with God • Jesus and his followers have a new life of peace, joy, and wholeness • Forgiveness is at the cornerstone of the Christian faith

Good Christian theology says:

Heart to God; Hand to Man

The Jews and the Christians The Christians have a bible with two parts –old and new.

In the Old Testament, God is great and holy, warns of judgment, has a messianic vision, is punishing and compassionate.

In the New Testament, God is loving, forgiving, personal, servanthood for all, Jesus brought God to mankind.

The big question is: Did God change over the years? Or did our understanding change? Maybe Christianity is not two but one. There is a huge result if the old and new testaments are each part of the whole.

Consequences become a big feature. In the Old Testament consequences are big. With sin comes hurt. God forgives those who are penitent. That is big but what about those still hurting?

The New Testament should take up where the Old had it right. Sin comes with forgiveness and a price. Even with forgiveness, the sinner is a debtor.

He owes somebody something.

If Christianity is one each sin has both forgiveness and a price

then

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CHAPTER 2

Jesus our Lord for life Something new about christianity Jesus’ cure for guilt Faith leads to vision The goodness and the badness What is the meaning of life?

The big christian confusion There really is a devil

Something New About Christianity Few really believe that there is a totally different world here from the one we all know. This claims that there really is another world here with some of the benefits: • • • • • • • • • •

Where there is the strength to make good choices A reverse of most we normally experience Enemies become friends Relationships become unconditional love Totally new view of life and death Guides for child character development Living and dying with confidence Instant help with problems Real, life-long friendships Foundations for family life.

New world experience waits for us

Jesus’ Cure For Guilt It is a sad sight - all those people, Christian and non-Christian. spending precious time feeling guilty. Each of us has done a dumb and hurtful thing or things in the past. The more we dwell on these, the uglier they get. Taken to extremes, some people can spend so much time feeling guilty that they become mentally unbalanced or ill.

Jesus’ way to guiltless living is very simple. First he labelled what guilt really is - a selfish, destructive way to spend time and energy. We spend time living again our dumb acts, which helps no one and hurts God and us.

Keeping it simple: The kitchen drudgery becomes a fulltime service to all the family.

Jesus simple solution to guilt is to focus on the well-being of others like the family meals. He said this, and then demonstrated how this works day by day.

Jesus’s cure

for guilt –

“Love One Another”

Faith Leads to Vision On becoming Christian, a person is challenged to develop his own personal vision.

He is clear from Jesus’ closing message to his followers that the New Commandment is: “Love one another ”.

Jerry finds himself with others who are smiling at him. He has just gone through some religious ceremony where he said “Yes” to questions about his beliefs. Jerry looks around at the folks most of whom he knows.

In one of the questions he agreed to love one another. He says to himself “ I don’t care for any of these folks more after the ceremony.” The fact is he still hates that one guy who is a slob. What does he do?

In our society, “ love “ means affection. Not necessarily so in Christian scripture. There, “love” means serving others in helpful ways. There is no suggestion that this is a parttime thing. Our friend, the new Christian needs a new personal vision which fulfills his new promises.

Jerry badly needs a new way of looking at people – he needs his own new vision.

There are many ways to find , or not find, a personal vision. His search could go something like this: • What new way could he now think about the folks around him?

• He knows he must start looking for the best in others • Enemies? He can’t even like them but he could be kind • He could decide to spend his life being helpful • Maybe that is Jerry’s new vision

Faith calls for a

full-time personal vision of service to others

The Goodness and the Badness Some Christians feel obligated to do good and avoid the bad. Unfortunately for them, they find they can’t do that overwhelming job. The lists of goodness and badness in scripture brings with it discouragement when we try to be generous on our own.

Jim’s Mom encourages him to share. One day, he decided to give Billy two stamps from his collection. At Billy’s home, Jim noticed a special stamp in Billy’s collection. In a quiet moment, Jim took that stamp. Many of us are guilty of such behavior.

Jesus’ way is to let God enable a person see to it that goodness prevails in a person’s life. The big secret is unconditional love. God loves us unconditionally.

He calls us to love Him and the neighbour unconditionally. When we call on Him the good can prevail.

So, Christianity is about doing good over bad. The secret is unconditional love. That love is not primarily feelings. Instead, it is action. We can love our enemies by doing kindness towards them. Jesus’ final instruction to His disciples is, “Love one another”. That love covers a multitude of sins.

So, Christianity is not brought about by our own efforts to do good. It is about letting God into our life that makes goodness possible.

Goodness overcomes badness when God is present in our lives.

What is the Meaning of Life?

This is about the silliest question there is. The only sillier one is “Daddy please give me money to go to Europe to find myself ”. All this is silliness because the answer is to be found under one’s nose. The question is personal, requiring a personal answer. Only each individual can answer the question for himself.

This means that the question is a search which everybody has whether they know it or not. There are some foolish people who say that they don’t need an answer to the question. If they don’t know it, their lives show it.

Here is a sample list of possible answers: • • • • • • • • • • •

The golden rule Go get it while you can Might is right Love God and Others Do what feels right Life is tough and then you die It is nobody’s business Love Family Success What big ones come from history?

Each one must search for the right answer. We can help others in their own search. We can also warn others not to be silly. On this there are no experts.

The good

life is

hunting for one’s right answer and living

it

The Big Christian Confusion The confusion is about doing good – being kindly to others. There is goodness on the outside and goodness on the inside – which works? Does it come from us trying? Or does it come from our insides?

The Christian answer is BOTH. Trying to do good on our own fails. Why? Because we confuse our intent with the many other ideas that we have. The Christian experience is that it takes God’s presence in us to make things good.

How does that big claim work? By simply letting God into our lives as our Big Brother. It is the toughest thing in the world to set self aside for what God has in mind. That is the end of confusion.

So, our job is to ensure that we are right with God and then He will guide us as to how to grow each day. We can’t live the Christian life our way. The only way is Jesus’ way.

Christian living comes from

God’s presence within us.

There Really is a Devil Classical psychology calls the devil the ID and it is a permanent part of every person.

It can be seen every time we spoil a good thing. It is there and nobody can eliminate it.

Classical Christianity holds the same view. Sin is a permanent part of each person.

It results in bad behavior that hurts somebody.

Classical psychology is confused about how to handle the ID. But Classical Christianity has a definite answer. Sin cannot be erased. Its effects can be managed. If you honestly confess your responsibility, you are forgiven by God. The human hurt is still there. The Christian can do his best to lessen that hurt.

There are two common ways we use to excuse our bad behaviors. Usually we can find someone else to blame for the problem. If not, we have lots of excuses by claiming we had absolutely no intention of doing that bad thing.

Christianity has a cure for excuses by intention. It says that sin has to do with actions, not the complicated explanations in our heads.

A man says bad things about his neighbour. Part of his sin is that he knows too little about the neighbour. His son overhears and starts slamming the neighbour kids at school. Sin travels fast. Sin multiplies fast.

The Christian who has sinned, needs to admit his bigotry. Then he needs to confess to his whole family his bad mistake. The Christian’s work is not done there. He needs to find a way to act in some kindly fashion towards his neighbour. The sin of a Christian is high cost and everlasting.

The devil is to be

found permanently in each

of us.

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CHAPTER 3

Christian living The people of God are always learning Gratitude is the mark of a believer Words can create hurt or wellness Christian teamwork test Here is how wellnessworks Family faith and character Susie asks mom about family All families need to check their structure Christianity is like a marriage Life is found in relationships

The People of God are Always Learning Millie is a Christian Mom, worried that she is under the control of her anxiety. She daily has 100 things to do - so is always behind. She knows that her levels of anxiety are putting her whole family on edge.

She has had advice from church friends and the pastor. That didn’t do it, so she turned to a professional counselor. The first question she was asked was, “What is your top worry?” It took her a while to struggle with that big one. Finally she said, “Billy is doing poorly at school – causing disruption” The counselor then said that recent research shed light on this kind of problem. She explained that the study asked each troubled family to set one important goal. The research showed that when families begin something positive, the children settled down in school. At the same time, the family felt better because they were back with hope that things would get better.

Millie said, “ If it worked, let’s try it”.

The counselor then explains that they need to write a goal that defines the results that the family wants for today. The goal they chose was, “Within three weeks, the teacher will tell us that Billy has become much more settled.” To get that, they agreed that school visits should happen so that Millie and teacher are working on the same thing - in this case homework.

When Millie and her family bought this idea, they found that it worked just as the research said. They learned the power and benefit of setting a goal. How, by regular contact, their beliefs get shared with children.

Christianity is a

continuous process of learning – goals

help

Gratitude is the Mark of a Believer Here is why a Christian should be grateful: • •

Forgiveness Life itself

Family and children • • • • • • • •

Dear Friends Work Beauty of nature Special abilities Music and Art Vigor to achieve Prayer The fellowship of believers

Gratitude brings focus on God and fewer distractions

Words Can Create Hurt or Wellness By themselves, like numbers, words are inert - scratches in stone In use, words can praise or curse Words are sticky – sticky for the speaker as for the listener They go from our ears to our mind - shaping our thoughts and our character Words are helpful to others only when they are tuned in to others.

Music and poetry amplify our words for wellness or for hurt Our history has a collection of wonderful and helpful words

We must be much

more careful with words - Hearing and speaking

Christian Teamwork Test Teams are essential to the family, where everybody plays, everybody wins, everybody knows what is going on and what to do.

How a Christian team Works: Principle # 1 Teams make decisions; individuals are team members Principle # 2 When teams get stuck, leaders make temporary decisions Principle # 3 Team decisions outweigh individual decisions Here are some of the details: • Teams start on time and finish on time • Each item gets its time- if not finished it carries over • Each person has a say • Notes are taken summarizing the decisions • The leader’s job is to ensure that everyone has a part Teams can become a vital place in the lives of the members. Every member, young and old, has a role in the team Teams that pray together, usually stick together

Teams are where

the Lord is helping each family

member

Here is How WellnessWorks Picture all the commercial wellness products and all the various therapies.

Where can you find a reliable one that works?

Take the case of Cecil, who heard that King Solomon had said that “spite� does bad things. One morning in his daily quiet time, it hit him - he was guilty of nursing spite for thirty years. He had spent energy thinking bad thoughts about two people for all that time. He had been hurting others and himself.

Here, the wellness focus delivered a message to Cecil. It was, either keep spite or stop. He decided to stop. It took over three weeks of wellness attention and prayer reminding him and his friend of the goal and the result.

Then, he woke up to the fact that his spite had gone after 30 years - clear of that spite.

He even learned to avoid new cases of spite.

How about that for

in-depth therapy!

Family Faith and Character Here is what Huston Smith, renowned historian, says about our family life today : “Social changes have led to alienation disrupting the primary communities in which we used to live.”

The word for families today is fragmentation. Family members are pulled by different forces creating different faith, values and lifestyles within the family. This flies in the face of the theme of this book : The character of children and youth is shaped by the faith and presence of the parents and wider family.

Huston Smith claims we are in a social vacuum by discarding previous beliefs yet not having a common faith base to replace it. Children and Youth are on their own in a world without faith and meaning. No wonder they protest, join weird sects or commit suicide. Family values are spread thin.

The practical picture is like this: • Both parents working full time • Oldest child away in college • Youngest child in other family care • Can’t find time to eat together • No regular family discussion or prayer time

Parents face serious questions requiring changes that will be hard to make.

What should parents do to strengthen their

family values?

Susie Asks Mom About Family Susie: Where do families come from?

Mom: Marriage, where Dad and I join.

Susie: What does marriage do?

Mom: Makes a whole new living body Susie: What does it do?

Mom: Marriage gives children and adults love and security Susie: Who makes decisions?

Mom: Each member when the family agrees Susie: What if they don’t agree?

Mom: The family tries to work it out Susie: If they can’t agree then what?

Mom: The parents decide Susie: What if a member doesn’t agree?

Mom: The member has to make a choice Susie: What choice?

Mom: Go with the family or go his own way Susie: Wow! I didn’t know the family was so strong

The

family’s power from its unity

comes

All Families Need to Check Their Structure We learn from science that birds, bees and flowers each have structure. All organizations need structure. Our ultimate evidence is in the genome with its beautiful structure.

So where do we find structure in that living entity called the family? It starts in marriage where two agree as much as possible. Then come the kids. Here the structure starts to get fuzzy. Some families are highly structured, others are flexible. Both pride themselves in getting it right.

To-day’s family faces a bushel of challenges. Business, governments, agencies and churches offer their answers to these challenges. Our structure must help the family be a family. Here are some big questions: Who is in charge of the family?

How are family finances handled?

What ensures that the family is together?

What are the family’s beliefs and values?

What service does the family give to the community?

The family

plan is overdue for a

rebuilding

Christianity is Like a Marriage Here’s Harold: Please look at what poor Harold faces since he thought he would have a Christian marriage. His idea was: decide to follow Jesus, say prayers and attend church on Sunday.

Here is what Harold didn’t figure on.

• Going out with the boys has been cut in half • Now he and his wife have to agree on big things • He has been adopted into a new family of in-laws • He has been adopted into a new family at the church • No work on Sunday • Daily devotions with his wife • From being an individual, now he is a two-some • Now he has to do something called “witnessing” • Now he has become someone who serves others Nobody said a family of faith is easy!

Somebody should have told Harold:

Marriage is family and God

Life is Found in Relationships A sage once said: “Our big choice is between loneliness and relationships”.

Loneliness only has one result - death.

Life comes from relationships of love.

For the Christian, love means being kindly towards the other person, unconditionally. In the Christian way, unconditional love of God leads to unconditional love with others.

In other words, in any vital relationship, love of God leads to love of the other continuously, regardless of anything else, ever. This leads the Christian to relationships that are everlasting

Unconditional love is

life’s ultimate experience

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CHAPTER 4

New life with God Conversion - Full-time service Each family should treasure freedom Two new families in a poor world The family and trust Our new culture The rainbow christians don’t know The magic fix Faith - is hard work Conversion: what comes next?

The search for spiritual wellnes Family wellness and unconditional love

Conversion - Full-Time Service It should be clear to a Christian that conversion entails surrender of self, commitment to the Lord and the forgiveness of sin. Does he realize that he has also signed up for full-time community service?

The implications of these questions have profound impact on Christianity.

Is the church primarily a rehab institution for believers? Or, is the church both a personal salvation center and a service base for the most-needy in the community?

To be practical, the new convert knows he should be at the weekly Bible study. He also knows that he should be at his regular shift at the Food Pantry.

Just imagine the impact on a congregation of fifty who have twenty-five community servants in local community services! Just imagine the impact on the local community!

Faith is real when combined with full-time

service

Each Family Should Treasure Freedom Freedom is a common word and claim in our day. We must be careful what we ask for. In freedom one size does not fit all. There are at least three sizes. i) The first freedom is political. Many live without political freedoms. They need our sympathies and our actions. Too many people are governed by dictators. In national and in family politics we must use care because freedom for one can mean less freedom for others. ii) The second kind of freedom is psychological. A common condition is addiction. Here we give over control to some substance, behavior or attitude. The grouch is as addicted as the drunk. The biggest lessons about controlling addiction are found with A.A. Their secrets include admitting loss of self control and submitting to a higher power. iii) The third freedom is spiritual. Our beliefs govern our character and behaviors. We have many different brands of religion with strong followings of believers. The big secret here is to distinguish between religion and faith. Religion comes from organizations with certain forms of practice and beliefs. Faith, on the other hand, is a personal decision that brings new inner freedom and powers.

In our

search for freedom

, go for

the right

kind.

Two New Families in a Poor World This Christian family, with help from their church, has made two extensive trips to Haiti.

In helping others, they found a new view of their own family.

The Dad, a successful farmer, helped locals plant trees. The Haitians had cut down all their trees on the mountain slopes. Rain washed the topsoil leaving barren local farms. The Dad showed how to replant trees in tiers on the slopes. Wood is precious in Haiti.

The Mom taught in the local school. She used her professional skills with troubled children. The two children of their family attended the local school.

Haiti is desperately poor. This family helped use new skills to rebuild their land. Their school got big benefits from our school practices. The family gained a whole new view and respect for the Haitian people. The children saw a world that they didn’t know existed. This reminded them how fortunate they are.

A Western Christian family in a strange land brought the family closer with each other.

When they got back home, they shared the plight of the Haitians in the local Christian community.

The trips helped

strengthen the family and gave Haitian families new

hope.

The Family and Trust Here we have a tricky matter. Some folks are more trusting than others. You can have it and lose it. If you have it, it can grow with time and experience.

How does it get started? Maybe an attempt to understand it will help.

Trust is acceptance and respect without knowledge. Trust happens despite lack of information. Trust therefore, is a gift to someone out of the blue. It just happens. Where it goes depends on his relationships and experiences that follow.

A newcomer was greeted into a closely knit church group. The sponsor was gracious as was the group. During a conversation with the sponsor, he pointed out that it would take time to get trust from the group. The newcomer was taken aback. He said to himself, this is an ingrown group if it cannot extend trust to newcomers.

There is a unique type of trust which is found primarily in marriage. It is a deep trust that stays trusting despite bad experiences. That kind of trust does not shy away from the facts. It lives on openness. If the facts are not good then there is either forgiveness or loss of trust.

From this we see that trust is a precious but fragile matter. It calls for much from the giver. The payoff is another person who becomes trusting – with both enjoying a new sense of security.

Trust starts with a lot of giving and risk -

the payoff is big!

Our New Culture Chuck is the father of two children, works hard at his car paint shop, spends time with his children and feels that he knows what’s best for his family. This is not a church family – Chuck got cheesed off by church.

The motto for the family is, “Do your own thing”. All family members follow Chuck’s motto. He sees that the family works hard. The children are doing OK at school, watch a lot of new media but don’t do many things together with the whole family.

Chuck is typical of our new culture. Past family ideas don’t count. Gone is grace at meals. Millions of modern families follow Chuck’s style. This totals a huge new culture bringing in the age of the internet, hostility to public authorities – schools, churches and governments, and bad manners. This new internet culture moves fast, canceling older forms of family life.

No one knows where the new culture is going. Left behind are a few, small cultures more reflecting the past than the present. It is easy to predict the new culture will fall apart from lack of vision. This is a signal for the small holdoutsthe Christian church, the Muslims and the Jews.

It is time for these minorities to double their efforts to rekindle their strengths for faith, families and communities. History shows that minorities lead by the quality of their lifestyles.

Our culture of

crisis needs alternative examples

full family living

The Rainbow Christians Don’t Know There is no experience quite like conversion. The decision to let God take over turns a person right around. Many Christians, however, do not take all this as seriously as they should.

The creation of a human body is complex. Conversion is equally complex. Here is a rainbow Christians need:

Red: To have a totally new body requires new attention to exercise, diet and rest which leads to a person’s view of his body as a precious gem.

Orange: To have new relationships very hard work is ahead to mend broken ones and support the present ones – in family, work and community.

Yellow: To have a new mind means looking away from all that is ugly and mentally unhealthy. It means new visions and new thoughts.

Green: To have a brand new family becomes the most important job. Raising children is a privilege and a duty.

Blue: New values like honesty, trustworthiness and caring must come forward leaving much garbage behind.

Purple: Faith is a decision for which we are grateful to God and other Christians.

God is always present.

Using the rainbow, with its six colours, is a good reminder of the nature of holistic conversion – the beauty that blends into light.

In conversion all our life blend to

dimensions

make us totally new

The Magic Fix There is a way to turn a bad habit into a lasting virtue.

Charley realized that he cut off others in mid-sentence. He was disgusted that he was showing disrespect for the worth of others. So he decided to fix that problem. Every morning for a week he set a goal to listen to others and acknowledge their good points.

After a week, Charley realized that the fix didn’t work. He asked his best friend for help. The friend said “There is a way to turn a bad habit into a lasting virtue, here’s how.”

Then the friend pointed Charley to the Wellness Rainbow. He told him to meditate on the Rainbow for three weeks and concentrate on Yellow because that’s the MIND colour. He was to ask God each day for the magic he needed to start listening.

After three weeks, Charley phoned his friend to say it worked. The friend said “Now you have a good habit for life.”

The magic –

new habits for old

Faith - is Hard Work The musician and the dancer spend 4 or 5 hours a day practicing. The plumber’s apprentice can take at least 5 years to qualify. The preacher spends at least 10 hours on sermon preparation each week. Faith requires the same attention as these.

There is also no easy way to faith. As well as weekly meetings, books and videos, the serious Christian has at least an hour a day in devotions.

The daily discipline of devotions takes years to develop. Good habits require time and regular attention. As in the gym, regularity is a key factor.

The individual Christian has lots of options. The reader can get a list of helpful books from other Christians. Prayer is a must. The big lesson there is to pray for something.

Practically anything goes. The Lord is tough.

Two of the necessities are Scripture and other Christians. Understanding Scripture can be a challenge. Find helpful books to get you started. The best source for this is other Christians. Most have favourites but there are classical quotes in the Psalms, the book of James and 1 John.

Attention to others is a second necessity. Jesus’ great commandment, “Love God and others”, tells us this. That includes those we know who are needy but who we don’t like. The mark of a Christian is concern for others.

Finally, daily devotions must be both solo and with at least one other person. That brings sharing. It also reduces fog in our beliefs and Christian practices.

Devotions are

daily, thrilling experiences.

Conversion: What Comes Next?

Conversion is a big deal in Christianity. After much thought and discussion, a person decides that he/she needs a new boss for his/her life. The convert is leaving behind “Do your own thing”, and going for Jesus as his/her life model.

Here we discuss what comes next. First, comes the thrill of having the guilt garbage of the past go away. Now he/she can talk about salvation but must realize that this is the start of a whole new way of life. It is Monday, Joe converted on Sunday, but finds that he still has bad food and smoking habits.

Now Joe is faced with the new spiritual wellness where the body is the Temple of the Holy Spirit. He doesn’t understand this but learns that a Christian can’t smoke and mess up God’s view of the body as a Temple.

He will find that the new body has five other elements like relationships, learning, and so on. The six elements of spiritual wellness add up to the job description he faces for the rest of his life as a Christian. Now, however, God Himself is present to help reach a new set of spiritual goals.

Just imagine the changes Joe faces in his relationships and in his career.

From Conversion to

Salvation means

life-long process of learning with God’s help

The Search for Spiritual Wellnes The search for spiritual wellness usually starts with family wellness. On that experience, one can turn to the elements of spiritual wellbeing.

In conversion, we decide to follow God. We enter a whole new world where God helps us at every step. Then, the big question is how. We are promised newness of life. Here is how the Rainbow shows the convert his life long work. Here the expectations are very high: Red Fitness: Now, the body is Temple of the Holy Spirit Orange Relationships: Here, love is unconditional Yellow Mind: The focus is on the mission, avoiding distractions Green The Family: Always needing better integration Blue Values: Here is the mission to serve others with caring Purple Faith: We work with God’s help every day.

It is obvious that this mighty prescription requires daily work, life long. Growth on these can be achieved with God’s help.

With effort, wellness can

become a daily habit

Family Wellness and Unconditional Love We experience many different kinds of friendships – social, work, neighbour and family. These can vary in intensity, closeness and intimacy. There is a special kind of friendship which is too rare – true love.

In marriage we can find true love. Two people become one in commitment sharing and trust. Marriage is founded on true love. This is a love which is not changed by conditions or circumstances. It is permanent. From the religious viewpoint it is endless–even to eternity. Such love requires constant attention. It can sometimes be very painful. Still it continues unbroken.

But, there are ugly forms of love. The love that controls, the love that manipulates, the love that lacks honesty and the love found in mental illness – these all are part of daily life. These forms of love are better recognized – failure to understand them can result in much suffering.

The ulimate love is unconditional love. There each commits to the other regardless of any and all circumstances.

For family

wellness go for

unconditional love

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CHAPTER 5

Our chaotic world Ode to secular sam Is sex tearing our families apart?

Our family foundations are crumbling How are we messing up?

Change–biggest obstacle for the family Virtual unreality Time for the family to rescue the rule of law Money is a bigger menace than terror Our family is in crisis!

Enemies of religion Where has God gone?

The two big problems of rights The family and the vulgar media Our greedy professionals

Ode to Secular Sam The U.S.A does things in big and fast ways. A survey there 50 years ago would have yielded: Christians 75 %, Seculars 25%. Now, the reverse would be true, like: Sam’s family and kids no longer try to understand faith.

Sam and his wife now both work to keep up with trends.

Before, they had a common purpose for life.

Now, they are on their own: “Doing their own thing” Now, Sam and his wife invent their own moral codes.

Now, Sam’s kids go out in this chaotic world without a map.

Now, for problems, they go for a quick fix – usually from TV. Now, we have a rootless society. Everything is competitive, votes are almost always split on matters such as premarital sex, abortion and the best car. Everybody is super busy getting money for the debt.

The Christian community is now a shrinking minority. The Christians are puzzled about all this because they don’t recognize their own failings. Where are the real Christians?

Lonely is he who

trusts only in himself

Is Sex Tearing Our Families Apart?

Ours is a society addicted to sex. Addiction means we have turned over our lives to outside forces. It means we have given up our control.

In the case of sex, the picture is clear. Sex sells like limos and perfumes.

It causes great hurt in child porn and slavery. It is popular “fun” in the minds of many thanks to the books, magazines, TV and videos. Imagine our schools now try to help children safeguard against pregnancy and venereal disease.

Why have we let sex take control? The answer is simple. We have discarded the traditional marriage with all its safeguards and satisfactions.

Traditional marriage is at the core of family life. It makes love unconditional.

Love is where we please the other person more than ourselves. With that comes the deepest of satisfactions. Why settle for anything else? Sex free of the marriage commitment weakens the vows which weakens family life.

Sex education of children is the family’s

job

Our Family Foundations are Crumbling In this prosperous, peaceful society it is hard to accept that the walls are shaking and the foundations are crumbling.

There is lots of evidence if we would only look: • Our society, its laws and morals, came from Christian beliefs • The main keepers of our society, churches, schools, business, governments, the media, and new technology are becoming godless • How can our children cope in this foreign world?

• What hope does the family have to resist all this power?

• Now, even our university professors attack Christianity • Faith has, in our past, overcome huge odds. Can we do it now?!

To

regain our moral world

,

families, with God, must prepare for war

How Are We Messing Up? From the lessons of 3,000 years, we enjoy a miracle society. Before us, there was constant war to be top dog between the Emperor and the Pope. They battled - so, until we came along, the two won and lost. But now, we have a magic combination that balances government and church.

Unfortunately, we look like we are messing this up. Our society is based on God and law. Every day we break our own laws - like, we regularly cross solid lines on the roads without thinking. That tells the story on our respect for our laws.

We also flout God. He expects us to be kindly with all other folks. Instead we argue, blame, and try to beat the other guy.

Some say our way of life is threatened by terror. Instead our biggest problem comes from each of us. Nations die from within, not from outside. It looks like we are making the same big mistakes from yesterday.

Where is hope? We still have our family – the place where we can have safety and security. There, we can still find trust and rely on being loved – nowhere else. So now, we can get it right by making our family right both with God and law.

As always, our

problems come back

to get

us.

Change–Biggest Obstacle for The Family Change with blinding speed grips every part of life. We see the wonderful benefits of new technology without knowing its effects on us. No area of life is exempt from this change - physical, economic, beliefs, and moralities.

The hiker going up the mountain or the senior with unsteady walk have in common – sticks, canes, rods, staffs. These steady us when we are buffeted by change. Cars, income, and pensions don’t do it. Here are three ways that do it.

In our world of physical things we can have wellness. We know how to get that.– fitness, relationships, faith. With wellness we are better equipped to deal with changes. We are vulnerable without it.

In our social world, we have friendships and marriage both subject to change.

There is one kind of friendship that is invulnerable–the best friend –the person we have in a bond that defies all change.

Our spiritual world is turning upside down. The religions are either shrinking or at war. While all this can change, faith does not. Faith is a personal decision that connects friends and Maker. Nothing can assail the power of that relationship demonstrated over thousands of years.

Don’t let the glare

of changes,

blind us from our big choices

Virtual Unreality “Virtual Reality” is now a popular phrase and practice. It entails someone writing a script with characters. It has a flashing background and extreme sounds. It is electronic. Its purpose is to give the viewer a “real” life experience.

It is successful when it captures the full imagination of the viewer.

Virtual reality is the opposite of faith. Faith requires an individual, personal choice. For instance: Life is good or bad, love is the greatest, it is a world of chance, of dog eat dog, or of a loving God. Science can’t help because it and faith deal with different matters. Each is based on assumptions that are in different worlds.

It is understandable in this insecure, irrational, fast-moving world to seek an escape. Virtual reality does that. But that is both the benefit and a peril. Like a drug, we are transported to another world. As a brief release it is fun. As a habit it is an addiction.

An addiction takes us from the real world the only place where we can find meaning to life. Life is tough. In escapes we choose a life that is meaningless.

This is a hard choice but real life is difficult. In dealing with life the right choice is up to us, not a machine. The best help comes from God and the family.

Virtual reality at best is fun, at worst it is

a meaningless life

Time for the Family to Rescue The Rule of Law You would think that the rule of law and our legal systems work in unison.

In fact, they work against each other. The reason is simple. We have grown a profession of law-benders who are not trained to uphold the law. So, we have a number of very dumb results.

A family goes to a lawyer with a problem. In the first place, the lawyer doesn’t have the background to understand the complexities of family life.

That doesn’t stop the lawyer from giving very costly advice. He comes up with a solution that may not make things better.

Instead of all this, families must make sure they are in the business of the rule of law. Here things get simple -“ You do a bad thing and you pay”. It is not difficult for families to apply this to themselves and their children. Best family results come quickly especially in the early years of a child. Families don’t need psychology books for this.

Keep Family

law enforcement simple and quick

Money is a Bigger Menace Than Terror We think we know about money. Our problem is that we see only the tip of the iceberg.

The poor scramble for food and rent. The rich live in private castles and worry about the Market and the Big Board. The rest of us are driven by the costs of two kids, two cars, two mortgages and too much stuff.

Money forces us to focus on things to the detriment of people. We rush out each morning with one cup of coffee and barely noticing the kids. Most of us think bigger is better. The dollar gets more of our attention than the roses. We live in a world where the bank is more important than the church .

We become slaves rather than masters to money. We are addicted. Shaking an addiction is very tough. First, we must decide to shake it. That is the big one. Then follow all the costs we must pay for freedom. Each family will have its own freedom steps.

Here are a few samples: • • • • • • • • •

Our kids must start jobs soon and pay their way We keep cars longer We cut back on expensive holidays We eliminate most charge cards We shop at thrift stores We worry less about promotion We save rather than spend We volunteer We put others first

The biggest challenge is sticking at it. Managing money depends on how badly we value freedom over slavery

Life begins when we conquer

our addiction to money

Our Family is in Crisis!

Families differ extensively. On the whole however, the best that can be said is that the family IS on a path OF disintegration. Despite our best efforts the family is losing its solidarity.

We are in serious shape measured against the roles of “Cradle of Culture,” “ Strength of the Nations” and “ Stronghold of Civilization “. These expectations come from a Royal Bank of Canada series of articles. (1973) Just think, we are discussing the dismantling of the one institution on which we can rely for security, trust, unconditional love, life long faith. No government, business, agency, media group or church is able to help families achieve these lofty goals that we and our community need.

The sum total of all the powers that dominate our society is that they separate family members – the net result is family disintegration. Families are allowing these self-focussed great powers to destroy their chances to raise a child with good values, character and spiritual foundations. Family solidarity is being lost.

Governments, business, media, are at

war with the family

Enemies of Religion In our day, most folks criticize or ignore talk about religion. Christianity takes most of the hits. Now, everybody sounds like they don’t’ want to be told what to believe and how to act. All this excitement is everywhere with practically no one understanding the nature and experience of faith.

The most aggressive enemies of religion say they are not interested in faith.

This is nonsense because everybody has a set of beliefs, whether they know it or not. Beliefs shape lives.

Look at this all too familiar example. A woman, of grandparent age, was presented with a new copy of a book on religion. Before she had opened up the cover, she started an attack on Christianity. For some strange reason, she is fighting Christianity of which she has little or no experience.

These enemies of religion are quite offensive because faith is a private, personal matter. An attack on one’s faith is personally hurtful. Religion is about an organization; but, faith is a matter of deeply, personal choice.

How should we deal with these “enemies”? Arguing is a no-no. Silence is good. So is changing the subject. How a person does this, says more about their faith than any words. Probably the best way is sharing a vital experience.

From an era of trust, Christianity finds it is

now under attack

Where Has God Gone?

In our day, many feel it is a foolish claim that God, the Creator is here beside us, helping any way that he can. Yet, Jesus came to demonstrate that fact. Upon his life the Christian church grew to be the mainstay of the lives of billions of people over 2,000 years.

Now suddenly we have a new god that is present in every part of lives. Money is this new champion of our faith. Where is all this leading? Not long ago, the lives of the saints demonstrated the presence of God Himself. They showed the reality of God here and now. St. Francis served the poor, St. Thomas showed the logic of the Christian way.

We don’t have to go back seven centuries to see the same evidence. A chat with any Christian, who has served the Lord for 30 years, will demonstrate that a life lived with the full presence of God results in daily practical living.

We are a people who have lost our awareness of God. We have little to say to our children about the purpose of life except the marathon for money. Faith must be reborn for this new society bringing life’s essentials of hope, love and service.

Let’s remember the children.

We are

lured by the ugly ways

of our diverse, money-based world

The Two Big Problems of Rights With problem #1, we all can get enthused about some injustice. But governments have put themselves in the middle of rights issues. They find and describe the offense and pass laws to protect individuals.

The problem with individual rights is that one rights law gets applied to everyone. It fails to see that one right for one person means less freedom for all the rest of us. For instance child abuse is a fashionable rights issue. Such laws might protect some individuals in some limited situations. In the meantime the new abuse laws prevent parents and grandparents from hugging or spanking.

Number #2 problem beats them all. Why are governments in the business of “rights” laws. Things are supposed to be the other way. I am free to do what I please except when limited by law. That is not “Rights” legislation - it is the foundation of our law and order.

Governments, who are mainly political, much prefer bestowing rights to doing the tough muscle work of law and order. They gain votes with some fashionable new rights. They do not gain votes when they pass a law to prevent wrong doing. It is easy to pass a new law increasing speed limits. Politicians flee from making new laws controlling driving. Implementation of such new laws is particularly distasteful to politicians.

There are

two sides of every right

– the popular side and the consequences side

The Family and the Vulgar Media Who is responsible for the ad that uses covert sex to sell skin cream?

There is the studio staff – did they study all those years to produce smut?

There is the advertising agency manager – will he/she sell anything?

There is the corporate executive – any thought about impact on the family?

The media are the world spin experts. Now they have a new package of goodies.

To print, film and radio they have added video, DVD, internet, Blackberries and so on.

We’re addicted to these new experiences.

The press claim a big contribution to a better world. They’re good at exposures, but what are the contributions? The freedom of the press is totally compromised by the profit motive of the media corporations and the high profile careers of press people– apparently without any code of values.

They take every unhappy situation, push it to the extreme and spread it worldwide.

They know all this pulls in buyers. Their only rule is, “Does it grab and sell?” They are cashing in by using extremes of everything for a society that is distraught and overwhelmed by its complexity.

No one is free from the daily bombardment of thousands of bytes.

We asked a friend when all this tidal wave of unhealthy information will crest. The answer was, “It won’t”.

Are the media operating a

new world war?

Our Greedy Professionals We are all on the same merry-go-round. We need some medical attention. We call for an appointment. The date suggested is not possible. Another later date is set and we wait. On the appointment day we arrive early and wait half an hour for a 10 minute session.

We are given a prescription, and referred to a specialist. We phone for appointment and get on the merry-go-round again. The doctors have secret codes for the illness.

The patient is the last to hear about his condition.

Why are we spending so much time traveling and waiting? The answer is simple. The professional is paid well and doesn’t want to take a cut. By salary cuts, ambient nurses could do community visits and do triage – help the family decide their needs and where is the best place. This eliminates family travel, gives prompt attention and helps the family make choices.

By this simple step, one third of all cases don’t happen because they are not needed.

The hospital parking lot can shrink by a third. The health care budget becomes smaller by eliminating waiting time and volume of cases.

Why does this not happen? Because professionals don`t like to lose the luxury of big salaries, a full waiting room and their independence.

What needs to happen? Families need to retake control of their health care. There are no prospects for this coming from the hospitals or the government health systems. The change needs to start in the local community. Churches are in the local communities.

They operated excellent hospitals until government intervention. Now churches, with families, need to start local health care despite opposition from the professionals.

Time for churches and

families to combine to

help restart health care

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CHAPTER 6

Future prospects for children Children need Grandparents Our children are being neglected Teens and careers In our world, the kids are the losers Who knows what life is all about?

The mom and her troubled son Our families face a big black hole Who is making family life so difficult?

Families face a wellness crisis Do we really care for our kids?

Without faith, teens are at risk How kids become believers

Children Need Grandparents We know that some grandparents can have great influence on the character of children – for good or for bad. We also know that, today, there is often some distance between a family and the grandparents. And, we also know that today’s parents are so rushed they have little time for themselves without thinking about the grandparents.

There are some risks in all this. Parents can miss guidance of children.The children can miss important influences and lessons grandparents have learned.

In earlier days, grandparents were close to families so that the children got benefits from six or more adults. Sadly that day has gone.

In the Williams family, there were obstacles to the children’s access to the grandparents. Distance was one. Religion was another – the younger generation had no interest in the church in which they were raised. Then there was the all too common matter of parents wanting to prove themselves – hence resenting grandparent contacts. This is close to tragic for both the children and the grandparents.

Some tips for grandparents:

Don’t back off Special events are always good Money can be used in personal ways

Each child needs to

know his/her grandparents

Our Children are Being Neglected By far the biggest factor contributing to child neglect is spiritual. We are witnessing a revolution in faith. Somehow, it seems overnight, our society has switched from the classical forms of faith to a world of “do it yourself�

Incredible as it is, here is a parent who, as a teen, suffered some slight from his Suday School teacher. Now this same person takes on the role of sole expert on the spiritual facts of life for his family. Picture a parent with limited formal education, ignoring the thought and experience of thousands of famous, erudite leaders and saints from over the centuries.

Imagine children going out in our chaotic world trying to find meaning for their lives without the benefit of the spiritual facts of life that has come before them.

We have gone through a stage where we believed education is the right legacy for the kids - not any more.

Now, we have an uprooted society with too many turns. Now we have huge risks facing our children, on their own, with no grounding in the spiritual facts of life.

This feels more than just neglect.

The

job of families their children

is to bring up

prepared for life and parenthood

Teens and Careers Our teens don’t realize that much of their satisfaction and self-worth will come from work. We are losing that discipline. Our new comers from Mexico and China now show us how to work and how to get the good jobs.

The discipline of work begins at home with the chores. There is an important trick about chores. When Sylvia takes out the garbage the big part of the job is remembering to do it. That’s where the discipline comes from.

There are different ways to career. One is family tradition - medicine, a skilled trade, military. Another is following talents. This is bit risky like music - a great art but the pay isn’t there. An even better way is asking, “ Where can I do the most good?” In this case the talents will come when the purpose is clear.

Experience leads best. This means that volunteering in hospitals, recreation, overseas programs and any of the trades often lead to good career choices. There is an old saying, “ By age 30 you must have it”.

Good work and career are

proven ways to teen wellness

In Our World, the Kids are the Losers The family has two big jobs: raising kids of character and providing security for all the members.

The family is the foundation of our society. Nothing is as important as the family doing its job. In this faithless society, many families are failing. The kids are floundering while the parents have other worries.

Raising kids is a full-time job. No activity is as important as being with the kids. All this talk about “quality” time doesn’t cut it. Where does the family start to get its act back together? First by this big fact - be together with them. Next, realize that character comes only from home, not school, not church, not from recreation.

Getting down to business, the first step is to decide what this family believes. No plans or activities will work without family faith as a foundation. Families cannot give away their prime responsibility for education, beliefs, careers or social behavior.

Next, the family must get a full view of the family’s nature and jobs. The family once was the economic unit. The family needs to regain control - not easy but within their grasp. Then the family must look at the crucial areas of family life. The old view was Body, Mind and Spirit. Now, we have a better view. In the family, the members have six choices.

• The body - healthy and fit • The relationships - strong or weak? Helpful or not?

• Learning – from experience and the right education • Family - Undivided and dedicated to its two big jobs • Values : Right and wrong?, self or others?

• Faith – What’s it all about anyway?

These six, like wires in a cable, when woven together produce immense power and strength – called the Family Wellness Rainbow Today’s family has only a second to wake up before some bureaucracy gets full control of family life.

It may be too late for some families. Others have a fighting chance.

It is not too late for families to take back

faith for their kids

Who Knows What Life is All About?

There is a bunch of people who know something about life. Doctors, scientists, counselors, biologists, teachers and farmers. All these folks’ know-how is connected to some branch of science.

Then there is the group of artists, poets, theologians, social reformers and politicians who have firm views about life. These folks don’t normally have the benefit of a science connection.

For us, the big crowd, this is not very helpful to you, me or Joe the plumber. We have a collection of bits and pieces. Nobody seems to have anything that directly and simply answers the whole big question of, “What is life all about?”.

Our problem is much more practical. As parents and grandparents, we have the job of influencing the lives of our children. That jobs lasts about 20 years for parents and forever for grandparents. So we are left to figure things out despite all the know-how and all the histories of the past. Is it beyond us to put all this know-how together?

So what do we do? We do what Joe the plumber does. He takes his own life experience. He and his wife share views and try to combine them. They end up with some rules of thumb like: What works and is comfortable is good We do tough love - we try to be kindly but firm We watch friends and relatives for clues to raising kids Hard work is the way - forget all the theories Love solves most problems While each of these has value, life can be so complicated we settle for one or two. We don’t really know for sure we are on the right path. But we can’t spend our lives trying to figure out all the theories. It would be great if there were some combined picture for our family life.

Maybe Dad should say

“Let’s decide the right way for today.”

The Mom and Her Troubled Son Mae is a single mom with a son 13, daughters 10 and 8. She lives in a small apartment, gets welfare and odd jobs. Frank, the husband, is seldom home, drinks too much and hangs out with the guys. She really doesn’t want Frank around.

Mae sees her husband in young Ted who gets a lot of her anger about Frank.

Ted likes his dad, copies him and is out a lot. Ted is not doing well at school, skips, and causes trouble with other kids and is a tough guy.

Here, we have a familiar kid who throws rocks in any riot, who is angry and sees life through a bad dad. He will serve time. He has no skills; home is just a house and he will most likely be unemployed. He exists but sees no good reason for his life.

As the economy winds down and jobs are scarcer, we all face a world with a growing generation of young boys who have nothing to lose.

How a

family problem a social

problem

turns into

Our Families Face a Big Black Hole In Grandmother’s day, Christianity was the chosen faith. The folks found their hope, security and behavior codes from their faith. Instead, now we have a big, black hole of uncertainty.

We now have trouble answering the big question “What’s it all about”?

What happened? We became secular (another word for godlessness). That came because we made money our king and debt our prince. At the same time the churches lost their influence because their efforts don’t now match the message of the Founder.

We have a big, black hole because we have lost our core faith which shapes our daily lives.

Without a purpose for living, we have turned to whatever we want today.

There are plenty of options now to live in a faith vacuum. We now have a long list of psychology, medication, fitness and creams offering to give us the good life. These are parts of the sweeping new philosophy, “Do your own thing”.

With all these choices, families face the big danger of not choosing an answer to the big question, “ What’s it all about ?“ That leaves our lives up in the air to be blown by whatever strong wind comes by. We are left with a pessimistic and cynical view of life.

Teen suicide now starts to make more sense. It is not an accident that black is the colour for clothing now. Somehow we must find choices that satisfy. At stake is the wellness of our children. How can we let them step away from the big, black hole?

Until 50 years ago we thought we had a great answer in Christianity. Somehow our new, multi-choice society has lured us away from the straight and narrow.

To avert the big, black hole, our kids

need good living examples

Who is Making Family Life so Difficult?

The list of those not sensitive to family life is long. For example: The health Care System takes one patient at a time with little family attention The School System thinks that learning can happen without the family The Business Systems separate out markets by age and sex The churches have no balance of individual salvation and fellowship The families think that they know it all The professionals try to help without involving the family The politicians go for individual votes (families don’t vote) The media goes to extremes describing hateful events For the most part, all these family challenges are operated by people who want to be helpful. The problem is that neither they nor their systems see the damage they cause for families. Our Western society is based on individual freedoms.

Other cultures focus on the group which can work better for family life.

How can the family

survive with all these

opposing forces?

Families Face a Wellness Crisis These are tough days for families. Our days are made tougher because families aren’t doing their wellness job. Instead, they have gotten into the habit of looking to someone else to solve their problems.

Only the families can raise kids. Only families can ensure their wellness. Three trends are making families dependent on others.

The first is their access to community agencies for a range of problems. It is easier to go and ask for help than first facing the fact that they are responsible for their children.

Second, families are now receiving increased state subsidies for a whole range of family needs and conditions. There are special grants for special conditions.

There are cash subsidies for families for welfare and unemployment pay. This can make families overly dependent.

Third, families still have easy access to money. With loans and credit cards families can have what they can’t afford.

These three powerful trends have distracted families from their prime job of raising kids to be healthy, trained and ready for adult life. There is no wonder our communities are facing daily tragedies. This is why many young people don’t know who they are or what jobs they should be doing.

Only families

can strengthen the

wellness of their children

.

Do We Really Care for Our Kids?

Here are signs that we don’t: How often do we decide to stay home just for the kids?

An UNESCO study shows that among the fortunate countries, the well-being of children in Canada is just average and poor in the U.K and U.S. One third of our teen girls get pregnant Sex is now taught in our elementary schools Drugs are now pedalled in our schools Phones and videos now replace reading and quiet time We parents claim that we would do anything for our children. Why do money and appearance now challenge that? We invest in well-equipped homes and late model cars instead of family attention to total wellness.

We say that our children’s education is our first concern but we tolerate sub-standard schools and lack of job readiness.

We have babies, but little parent preparation for the world’s most important job.

It looks like our from being

children have slipped

Priority One

Without Faith, Teens are at Risk We are at a time when Christianity is under nation-wide attack. Our institutions, schools, businesses, governments, justice and the media all are acting as if Christianity were some sort of virus.

It is strange that this clamour has come so suddenly and so wide spread.

It is strange also that other religions are not suffering comparable attacks.

Christianity has been the foundation of our society - its laws and morality, for thousands of years. Christianity is the world’s largest religion. Millions continue to rely on this faith for their way of life. The current onslaught is obviously political. One wonders who will benefit, certainly not the family.

It is a welcome relief that the Maclean’s Magazine has recently published an article citing the extensive research on the impact of faith in the lives of teens. Numerous authentic studies show that teens with faith are at significantly less risk of depression, unhealthy sex and lifestyles.

The research goes on to report that the healthy faith cited is personal experience and not necessarily institutional in origins. Caution is expressed for teens who take on whatever their parent believes, without questioning.

Faith is a

significant safe-guard in the lives of teens.

How Kids Become Believers As usual, the big answer is simple. The greatest faith influence on children comes from the faith of the parents. Beyond all words, symbols or activity, it is the presence of God in the parents – the best prospect for a child. So, parents who want kids with a spiritual foundation, should spend efforts on their own spiritual lives.

The next greatest influence on children comes from relatives and close friends. Research says that grandmothers have great influence. Literature, family prayers, church attendance and a Bible within reach all make for a child’s solid early spiritual experience.

Mr. Jones says this is a big mouthful. He and his wife are busy people.

But, spiritual growth is not busyness –it is mainly a matter of choice. God is with us or not. That is the main choice for the Jones family – through all the changes at home and in the community.

The good news for parents is that the majority of children will return to the family faith. But, parents need to realize that times have changed. The new adult will practice his faith in new ways.

The next generation faces a world losing its normal values, traditional church ways and good manners. This will be very difficult for them and their parents. All Christians must seek together for the ways of the faith that can prosper despite diversity, opposition and terror.

Our children

must be prepared

with a faith to face an ugly

world

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CHAPTER 7

Fellowship and the church Why aren’t churches and families working together?

A family needs its own structure The christian generation gap The troubles of the believer Christian stop, look and listen The colonels How can so many be so wrong?

Christian faith: zero? Solo? Group?

70 Years ago parents and teachers, together, helped children learn Home – Our security, schoolroom, heartache and joy

Why Aren’t Churches and Families Working Together?

Families would like to see how they and the churches could help each other.

There is no doubt that the churches are built on goodwill. All our hospitals, schools, colleges and social agencies were founded by churches. What comparable good are the churches doing now?

At first glance, a church has white hair and baldness. On second glance, they each have a big message for life. The third glance is a club looking after its members. For some reason, some churches are looking more like “feel good” clubs. Their language is about “I” and “Me”. But the Founder’s word is “Others”.

God wants churches to be like “ Mash” which helps to heal soldiers to go back to the war. The church’s job is to bring help and hope to those who are lonely, in deep distress or who are dying. Church is founded as a recruiting and training outfit to equip folks who want to be helpful.

If there is any doubt about this, remember Jesus’ final words to his followers : “Love One Another, His label is suffering servant”. Today’s family certainly qualifies as those in need of help.

The churches should be serving the

“families in need”

.

A Family Needs its Own Structure Every family is different just as every person is different. The family, to exist, must decide its own structure.

Here are questions needing answers: Who makes the rules here?

Who makes the decisions?

Who comes first, family or me?

Does our schedule allow for family time and down time?

Who should work and what are our finances?

How do we plan family events?

Does our family help others?

What does our family believe?

Answers are needed now because our family needs to be reinvented to operate well in our new and changing world. Just as with persons we need to know who we are and where we are going.

From family

working together, come

all the good things

in life.

The Christian Generation Gap Those of us raised in church and Sunday school are amazed that our next generation seems to have little interest in faith and religion. Why can something so important disappear under our very noses?

Churches don’t realize or accept that society has made a 180 degree turn. Public interest fades. It is easy to see excuses – too busy, schools not interested in faith, much of the media promotes immorality, other big issues dominate our news.

There is another view of this gap when one looks at the churches. They continue to preach the same old message in language 2,000 years old. The churches lack a mission for families. The churches seem distracted from their prime mission by attending to popular and funding issues.

The big deal here is that the church people seem just like the rest of us with all the same problems. We can see no big improvements by church people in family matters.

The churches are not leading community efforts such as abuse, abortion or addictions.

In the family there is much frustration as to how they can help younger family members appreciate the vital importance of faith. These older Christians are limited in what they can say or do. Their efforts are usually not welcomed.

These older parents are left with the belief that how they live speaks for their faith. The fact is that faith is caught mainly from examples, not by words.

Churches need living

examples of the

real benefits of faith

The Troubles of the Believer Guess what! The believer has the same troubles as all of us: sickness, debt, addictions, marital problems, teens out of control and so on. If that is true, what is the point of a life of faith?

The huge point is that the believer is given a Person and a way to deal with whatever comes. Most folks don’t dress up to go to church to look good. They go to find hope to face the difficulties of life. Help for Christians comes from the Lord and from the others in the church fellowship.

Most Christians know they can start anew every day of their lives no matter what happened before. They can start each day with a clean slate.

Then, there is Harry. He and his wife Violet are Christians. They go to church and their three kids go to Sunday school. Harry works for a lumber company. He is in sales and travels a lot.

As expected, Harry has a couple of beers when away. That then leads to hard stuff. Then it gets to the point of addiction. He is hooked. That means things change at home. He is sharp with the kids. The credit cards are full. He hangs out with the guys after work which means he can be home as late as 11 pm.

Eventually, Violet has had enough. She goes to an addiction counselor and to her pastor. She prays.One day Violet says: “OK, join A.A. or don’t come back.”

She has done the clinically right thing for her addicted husband. Besides, A.A. is one of the best preparations for a life of faith.

Faith is where the Lord and others

help deal with life

Christian Stop, Look and Listen Our relationships are our lives. Our relationships are shaped by our communications. Here are some clues to good communication: STOP: Jane is looking forward to Wanda’s visit. She is too busy getting ready. If she wants some good communications, she will have to stop. She can’t do more than one thing well at a time. Jane must stop and hope Wanda will also stop.

LOOK: Doctors bank heavily on observation to diagnose. Jane must notice Wanda’s mood, is she calm or restless? Does she smile? Does she show signs of listening? For Jane to find a good time to share, the two must find a time to be quiet and together.

LISTEN: Hearing is different from listening. Hearing is mechanical. Listening is heart and soul. For each to listen to the other they must put aside their own thoughts to make room for something new coming. This is the core of success in communicaiton, counseling and psychotherapy.

Real talk is our source of

hope and fulfilment

The Colonels Husband and Wife, both ordained clergy, served a large national church for 40 years. Their leadership had huge impact on this national church.

Both came to their life of service from families who were also pastors.

In the case of Col. D, she pioneered new service roles for women in a church formerly led mainly by men. She developed personnel systems for the services of the many posts where they served. In one Canadian province she guided large camping programs where, in one year. 300 teens were ready for personal faith commitments.

The husband, in his leadership in various locations, guided the regional reorganization of the national church. During his years of service he operated a program for young parolees. He directed the national programs for social services and correction. He established leader training programs for regional clergy leaders. He introduced national team leadership and goal setting training for pastors.

Throughout their careers together, they set the tone of prayerful leadership of a great variety of services. Three of their children followed their parents into clergy leadership roles.

There is no

limit to the

power for good

.

How can so Many be so Wrong?

Many Christians, Jews, atheists and agnostics have it wrong. They think that Christianity is a matter of being good and getting the rewards. How, in this day can so many miss the point.

We must turn again to Jesus. God wants to live with His people. Jesus’ job was to demonstrate that God wants to be in us. Why? It’s because each of us on our own will mess things up. The theologians call that original sin. The psychologists call it Id. We seem to be hard to convince that we can’t do good on our own. We can try very hard, but it can’t work. The disciples were with Jesus for three years and they were wrong – they didn’t get it.

Our libraries are full of the writings of our most devoted Christians. They strain to get across the fact that being a Christian means letting God inside our lives. Despite all the great efforts of C.S. Lewis, St. Francis, others, we keep trying to do the right thing on our own and fail.

If we want to be kindly, helpful, loving and sacrificial, it takes teamwork with God. Doing for others, is the Christian way. There is no other way. Jesus had to do the most sacrificial deed to demonstrate that losing self leads to fellowship with God. History shows that this is the deed that led to the development of the great Christian church.

For Christians,

God belongs in the family

Christian Faith: Zero? Solo? Group?

A silly man said that he has no faith. He must have meant religious faith. Even he realizes that he lives by faith. Consciously or otherwise he knows he lives by some kind of faith – either “Dog eat dog” or “Love your neighbour”. So much for zero faith.

Solo religious faith is popular and growing. It is no longer unusual to hear an even sillier man say he alone chooses his own religious faith for himself and his family. For him, faith is personal and private. He is even sillier because he ignores 2,000 years of millions of people who rely on the Christian faith.

How silly is ignoring the wisdom of thousands of religious experts and saints Christianity is a group thing. The evidence is huge. Millions have together staked their lives on Jesus’ last instruction to his disciples – “Love your neighbour “, or, that research shows not one solo conversion in the entire history of the Christian church as described in the Book of Acts.

Imagine the difficulty of a Western man learning that Christian faith comes from groups when he lives in a country that cherishes individual freedoms. He may not appreciate that the West with its extreme freedom for the individual is only talking about legal not spirtitual facts of life.

No one says that

Christian living is easy – it is a world

of its own

70 Years Ago Parents and Teachers, Together, Helped Children Learn Jimmy’s daily fun is poking Martha with his pencil. This has gone on with words.

Finally Martha stands up and pitches a book at Jimmy. Jimmy gets up and slaps her. Shouting follows.

Teacher tells them to stop fighting - they don’t. It takes 20 minutes to settle them down. Kids tell parents their version. Jimmy’s parents ask the principal why the teacher didn’t separate them earlier. Martha’s parents phone the school board chairman and ask for an investigation. The story never ends.

Instead of learning from their mistakes, 2018 kids see how blame can be shifted -bad lessons for everybody. Parents and teachers are not working together.

Kids get away with disturbing the class and causing lasting bad feelings. Kids and parents have little respect for the school whose job has become almost impossible.

Doing it right. Teacher reaches her limit and sends both to the office. There they receive five hour detentions. Teacher phones the families. Jimmy’s family grounds him for a week. Martha ends up doing all the dishes for a week. End of story?

Parents and Teachers: Start together to

Teach Children Well

Home – Our Security, Schoolroom, Heartache and Joy In previous essays we discovered an amazing number of human essentials that originate in the home. This amazing list includes health, education, law, love language, helpfulness and humour.

This means that parents face an agenda that has been underestimated. A newborn needs stimulation for sight and learning. The newborn needs regular hugging and rocking. A newborn must learn the meaning of the word “No”.

And so on!

Not all marriages qualify as homes. Too many things can go wrong in a marriage without the spirital base and parents willing to learn and grow. Some marriages qualify as homes given the requirements of spiritual base and working/loving relationships. Many are not.

There are even more amazing qualities of the home and the child awaiting birth.

The child is learning to move, is conscious of the heart beat and has some sense of its being. In a home with music and faith desciplines, the unborn has some advance notice of the great experiences of music and faith.

So parents face the opportunities of the newborn for its’ security and love. Not all families can offer the new child a home. The distractions of our frantic world are serious handicaps.

There still is a

no place like home

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CHAPTER 8

Christian community service Does christianity make sense?

Is the christianview of law senseless?

Success in two different worlds A christian faces a problem Helping efforts that help Talented man did faith-based business The quiet man Christian commitment to service We have a job to serve the community The christian problem solving way

Does Christianity Make Sense?

Here are some views held by unbelievers: • How could God let huge natural tragedies happen?

• Where is the scientific proof of God? • Religions don’t have visible results The believer’s views are different: • Just because something it is not visible doesn’t mean it’s not real • Much of life and emotions are invisible • Faith continues because millions believe • Faith has been the foundation of lives and nations • Saint Thomas Aquinas wrote that all Christianity is logical • Good is stronger than bad • Beauty is better than ugly • God is here helping always • Religion is all about relationships

a personal choice

Faith is life and its relationships

about

Is the ChristianView of Law Senseless?

“Be subject to the governing authority”. That was the Christian view in Jesus’ day. So Roman soldiers crucified people while the crowd watched.

In our day, Christians obey the law. Yet, we instruct police to stand and watch while thugs burn their cars. In Algeria, the military are ordered to stand down while thugs burn a U.S. embassy and kill the ambassador and three others.

Governments pass laws then whole professions work around the law. Where is the sense in being subject to the governing authority?

For the game of hockey, the governors of the NHL make the laws and deal out consequences for breaking the law. The game of hockey exists because the game is played within the boards. There are two referees who enforce the laws while 12 play the game of hockey. The game could not exist without the laws and the enforcement. That makes sense.

No society can exist without laws and respect for them. That is why the Christian view of obeying the laws makes total sense. That means that the Christians must uphold the law no matter how senseless the law may seem and despite politicians and lawyers efforts to get around the laws. The law is precious.

In a lawless

society under mob rule,

nobody is safe

Success in Two Different Worlds Some sage said that man is the only species that progresses. (Not to be confused with evolution.) That means we can set goals for ourselves - make things better.

Success is measured in quite different ways depending on the world we live in – our world where we are in charge and the world where God is in charge.

First, let’s consider our natural world. It works out that measures in this world are quite simple. Our way of life comes down to two essentials - money and time. We measure our success by money with all its benefits. We measure how much time we spend on such things as work, family, play and relationships. We can call both successes.

Measurement by these two indicators is simple. We just count and add. Then we decide if we are better or worse.

Measurement in God’s world is not so simple. How do we measure our peace, worry, freedom, forgiveness, caring and hope – all character traits; all intangible?

Turning to our ability to progress means that we can set goals. In these cases, we are dealing with intangibles. But we can set target dates and define results by indicators. Then we can measure results by comparing with the success of indicators.

Example: A couple attend marriage counseling. After much discussion they decide that how long they hold eye contact will be a good indicator of progress. They decide to do this for three weeks in their counseling interviews. They are measuring.

The bigger problem of measuring success is whether or not we really want to know the results. In our world, measurement is almost automatic – our bank balance is what it is. In God’s world, the bigger test is our motivation to be better or not. Do we really want to set a goal that tells how we are doing? That sounds like our bigger problem.

Success can be measured for

change in character – an indicator is evidence of intangibles

A Christian Faces a Problem George, 58 has just lost his job as electrical engineer. He supports his family of wife and three children, one of whom is in college. After three months sending out resumes and interviews, he has no prospects.

This Christian family meets to learn of the tight finances. George’s wife says she will find a job, as did one son. They all agree to pray and ask the Lord for guidance.

Next, George goes to a career counselor who asks the question “If you were starting again what kind of work would you most want?” This got George thinking. After some time with his wife, George replies to the counselor “I would most want to have my own flower shop.”

George decides, after prayer with his wife and sharing with the family, he will try a get a flower shop job. That will mean, even if successful, reductions in family spending.

Reluctantly the family agrees.

Having put this request to God, George inquires for training, work and income. A month later, George hasn’t found much encouragement. Despite this, George and his wife believe God will somehow find him a new avenue, as He has done in the past.

This Christian

Family

relies totally on God’s Presence and help

Helping Efforts That Help Christians and others are highly motivated to do something for someone else. Such efforts more often fail from lack of know-how.

There are three principales that govern helpfulness: Principle A. Improvement is in the hands of the person, not the helper Principle B. Helping must stay focussed on the person not the helper Principle C. Advice seldom works because it shifts the focus from the person to the helper

Here are five steps in the helping process gleaned from professional clinical practice: Step One: What is the person’s main concern?

Step Two: Clarify for both, the nature of the problem Step Three: What has already been tried?

Step Four: Of the options, which one does the person choose?

Step Five: What has the person decided to do?

The

heart of helping

is the total focus on the Other’s

needs.

Talented Man did Faith-Based Business George had an IQ beyond most of us. He maintained a quiet faith. His profession was accountancy. He rose to prominence in his profession. From there he was invited by a political party to become their finance leader.

While all this was going on, he found time to display his musical talents in plays and church choirs. He also found time to become the president of a new children’s mental health center. In his music interests he became the leader of an annual musical theatre. As president of the children’s mental health center, he convinced a reluctant government to provide steady funding for troubled children.

To his death, he witnessed to his faith in God.

Faith can do miracles in worlds of business and high

society

The Quiet Man Jimmy was a member of a teen Sunday School class. The group was named the Christeens.

This group discussed many sides of faith. The group grew a life of its own. They travelled together by canoe to distant lakes. They camped together – some 25 teens. Jimmy was always quiet, always willing to help and often hardly noticed.

Forty years later Jimmy attended church with his wife and family. By this time he was retired from teaching and offering professional help to individual students.

In the church, Jimmy became the music leader forming groups with his music knowledge and his pleasant personality.

In surprise, Jimmy and his wife, met the former leader of the Christeens. There, his wife made a remarkable statement: “ If it wasn’t for you, we would never have been married.” The former leader couldn’t remember the counseling she claimed they received.

Isn’t it remarkable that the faith stimulated in a teen class could have such results 40 years later. Now Jimmy, his wife and the leader are close friends again.

The work of faith goes

beyond all imagination

Christian Commitment to Service Christians engage in some form of service to others. There are two reasons.

The most powerful is Jesus’ proclamation that he brings a new commandment – “ Love One Another “. Another is the life of St.Francis of Assisi. His life was service to others in the streets and countryside.

Christians of our day have a variety of approaches. The homemaker sees her life in the home as full-time service to the Lord. Others choose missionary roles for the poor here or overseas.

From these two examples of full-time service, Christians take on service in the church or the community. That raises one tension in Christianity – did Jesus intend us to be full-time or part – time? This big tension is found in the churches. Is church for worship or some combination of worship and service? The variety of this is great.

Scripture solves part of this muddle. The words are “Love of God and love of man must be equal and in balance.” Such is seldom found to be the case because church worship seems to dominate. Jesus made it clear that Christians are totally new persons for whom service to others has become instinctive and balanced with faith.

Service to others is essential to the whole life of the Christian

We Have a Job to Serve the Community In the 1800’s, Christian volunteers founded the hospitals, churches, schools, social welfare and community centers. These faith-based organizations grew to our present health, education, welfare, arts and character building institutions.

Three centuries later we have large service systems heavily funded and regulated by governments. In the process, God was dismissed along with the Christian values. The result is a new generation with little understanding of our spiritual nature and values.

Look at the big opportunity we all face – Case Management There is still one very large faith-based opportunity. The modern service organizations have become so big and so bureaucratic they have become impersonal. Please note the irony of long waiting time at home and in the clinic. What was intended to keep the community personal now serves the schedules of professionals.

Where now are the special opportunities for faith-based efforts? The answer is that families have multiple needs. Families need their own case manager to work with them and all the agencies that they require.

The

family faces complex services and One

Big Opportunity

The Christian Problem Solving Way Once upon a time a middle aged couple found their problems growing. They decided to search for different approaches to solving problems. They were not aware of the problem-solving way used by many Christians. After a two month search they stumbled onto this time-tested method for solving problems.

Based on scripture, they learned the simple three step Christian way: Step One: The person with the problem meets privately with the one he thinks is the source of the problem. They meet to deal directly with the problem. This eliminates the dangers of gossip and insult.

Step Two: If the first step fails, the person having the problem brings two friends along for a second meeting. Teams can unravel problems, “Where two or three are gathered…”

Step Three: If step two fails, a larger group is requested, Their mission is peace.

They can see two sides of each problem. Their goal is reconciliation.

All this happens in the two months our couple is searching. They come up with an agreeable problem solving process. It will take eight months to a year to make this work.

When will we learn to use

this proven way to solve

problems?

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CHAPTER 9

Personal growth The inside story on relationships Little things matter most Faith and music The family wellness rainbow Cradle of character Where did the good manners go?

What are our emotions doing to us?

The Inside Story on Relationships The Genome brought all the evidence we need that living things are built on relationships.

In other words life can’t exist solo.

The Ultimate relationship is unconditional love. In that case, nothing can shake a relationship which holds on regardless of anything else. That relationship can last forever. This rare condition is found in some marriages, some friendships and some work. Christians claim that this is what God delivers.

We all underestimate the importance of relationships both with unborn and born infants.

During pregnancy the child’s relationship with mother can have big influences throughtout life. After birth, how the parents relate with the child shapes his character, long term. This is true for both the good and the bad.

Our biggest failures come from giving up too soon on the part of someone. Seldom do we realize the new benefits that can come from relationship problems. A breakdown during courtship can open up exciting new possibilities that both can enjoy.

When we realize how relationships shape our lives, we will find new ways to build the precious bonds.

Home is the

cradle of character

for both children and adults

Little Things Matter Most We humans have strange experiences. Things can be going well and suddenly a hang nail, a bruise, an insult or an ache changes all that. Some little event changes our whole day. Happiness turns into sadness. Good humour disappears.

This makes no sense. We let a little thing wipe out our day. The focus of our good intentions shifts to the tiny problem. It happens all the time. We don’t seem able to enjoy all the goodness in life. Things seem to turn sour. Or, we let one little thing spoil our day.

We know that a little rudder steers a big ship, a wrong word spoils a party and one person starts an ugly rumour that hurts.

Fortunately, the opposite can also be true. A girl is depressed. She decides to walk a mile a day – her depression begins to disappear. A man suggests one new idea that can turn the business around. A doctor’s word can lift our sagging spirits.

There is a big principle here. In the middle of a muddle - one new goal gives direction and lessens the confusion. Instead of being steered by the many problems, we see blue sky and a focus.

We need a goal that works and is clear about the problem, the new results and the deadline. A friend can help us check out our progress.

In most cases one

clear goal

gives our day back

to us

Faith and Music We Christians have a number of ways of sharing our faith. We have the words of scripture which have stood the test of time. We have the communion which uses bread and wine to express the depth of our faith.

There are two particular opportunities to participate fully in sharing the fullness of our faith experience – music and dancing. Music particularly is universal in its practice of expressing how we feel. These have an advantage over words – they involve our total bodies hence avoiding the tendency that our faith become intellectual rather than spiritual.

Here are two cases to illustrate the power of music. Beethoven in earlier years composed music that is powerful in its impact on our being. This music has lasted because it reaches our souls and not just our daily emotions.

The modern music known as rap is in contrast to this spiritual giant. It is not music, lacking tune, harmony and tempo. Rather it is a propaganda effort ,to in many cases, promote ugliness.

Families can contribute to the appreciation of music of all its number even at the elementary level. Music appreciation grows with experience. There are musical classics from earlier days and today.

Music can be a

soul experience

for all

The Family Wellness Rainbow These are Days for Grandparents Parents are on the dead run, barely keeping up. They have no time for themselves and little time for the children. This brings big opportunities for grandparents and not just baby sitting.

The wellness of children flows to them from a family. There is a generational river with precious wellness gifts flowing from the older to the younger generations.

Children need a rich array of wellness traits as in the Rainbow. From that flow, children choose their wellness traits from the family members who attract them.

Here is a good example. Cecil was raised in families with neither religion nor music. Yet, in his early twenties he turned avidly to both. That started a life-long growing devotion to both. Where did Cecil’s taste for these come from? Answer, from Buffalo, where there were annual family visits. There he got glimpses of Grandma praying bedside and Uncle Frank playing popular piano pieces.

This is a case showing how casual contacts with family members generate lasting images of important wellness traits in children. Today’s children are in great need of these opportunities. It is the parent’s job to see that children have access to all the choices among those in the wider family.

All family members are needed to assure the

wellness of the children

Cradle of Character The family is the cradle of character. The newborn’s only character is self.

Then follows three years when the foundations of the person are formed.

This growth comes from the family not from the child. The atmosphere, beliefs and actions of the family mold the child’s personality and character.

To do that job, the family needs a foundation of its own. That foundation comes from faith – beliefs, values and actions.

The child does not need to be programmed. The vital communication from family to child occurs in everyday living - acts, words, presence, and closeness. This process continues for years as the person learns how to guide his own character. Here too, the family influences are more subtle than organized.

The character of a person is built on faith delivered first by the family then others. The task of parent demands full, serious daily disciplines as their own characters develop. The base of their growth is faith.

As go the characters of the parents, so go the

characters of the children

Where did the Good Manners Go? Not so long ago, people would open doors for others, give others the rightof-way, wave and speak politely. Such good manners have suddenly been replaced by bad manners.

There can be several reasons: • The pace and changes are killing us all • Some parents don’t have the right balance of tough-love • Our common faith base has eroded • We have become consumers rather than servers Whatever the causes, we are losing an important value in our society. Our problem gets bigger for lack of community efforts to return to kindliness and thoughtfulness.

Surely it is time for the churches and other community groups to take this up for public awareness and efforts. Each family feels alone when thinking what they can do. Each family needs to start at home with words and actions at meals and with good manners with each other and visitors. To do this families need help.

Nothing short of a strong public campaign will prompt the families to insist on good manners in the family. The ball is waiting to be picked by some organizations to retrieve the good manners we are losing.

Communities and families have work to do to

protect good manners

What are Our Emotions Doing to Us? We are all too familiar with anxiety, depression, fear, hatred, unhappiness, discouragement, nightmares, resentment, uselessness, addiction, loneliness and guilt.

All these are powerful forces that can control our lives. They are invisible. We are not sure who can help us. The main thing we know is with the right pill, the pain is lessened a bit.

Our problem with these invisible emotions increases because others find it hard to understand how we are feeling. Our actions don’t help that. We don’t know which professional can really help.

We know that the pill can help but can’t cure. We know how to get help for a broken leg. The professionsals themselves mostly shy away from emotional problems. There are only a few professionals who know how to help.

Churches, clinics, spas, gyms, yoga, prayer, meditation, counseling all offer some form of help. These sources are limited in their scope and without research evidence of results. Few look at the whole person.

We can’t

deal with our emotions;

we don’t

know how or who does

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CHAPTER 10

Home and family One family lacking a sense of belonging Risks in good families - Smothering How to get one good day Missed opportunities Christian homework Family cautions When the roof fell in In praise of praise Our relationships shape our world Time for a family wake-up call What’s not for sale!

Too much mom?

Parent - not a pal Parent power - yes or no?

Here, is the very best Here’s - what’s really important

One Family Lacking a Sense of Belonging Five hundred years of philosophy and specialized science have warred against the solidarity of the family. We are forgetting that our personal lives and our society are built on the cornerstone of the family.

The chaos that surrounds us is causing growing gaps in family life. We are foolishly trying to “do our own thing” when family relationships are our life blood.

The children of the Stricker family got caught in “love – ins” of the 60”s turning their backs on the authority of the family, the school and the church. That left them high and dry with poor school performance.

Added to this was divorce that brought with it more fragmentation. Mental health problems followed. Divisions between family members became common. None of the children did well in school – nor were they ready for any jobs. A middle class family became a troubled family.

It has taken decades to bring improvements in the lives of these young adults. Several steady families have emerged. All have struggled with family relationships. In later years, the old differences are fading. Only now are they hungering for the solidarity of family life.

Few families are

free from the risks of the Stricker family

Risks in Good Families Smothering Two conscientious parents pride themselves in their skills in the working world.

They are equally conscientious about raising their children. Their work requires that they intensely concentrate on their jobs. They do their best to apply the same level of concentrated intensity to their children.

This is a prescription for child smothering by over programming. Their children are registered in local recreation programs, the parents attend to the child’s homework, they are extremely careful for the safety of their children. Between school and home the children have no breathing room.

It could come as a shock to these parents that children learn mainly on their own. They need free time which will always involve some risk. These parents need to accept the fact that life is not risk-free at any age. They need to pull back, take a breath and let the child find some of his way on his own. They can still do this by providing basic safeguards.

The smothered child can easily become angry, moody and occasionally out of control. These are cries for freedom- not just occasions for medical attention.

The parents may need help from their local friendly counselor.

Very conscientious parents -

give your child a break

How to Get One Good Day The good old days have gone. Now, we have change and rush. Breakfast is two adults and kids all rushing to get out the door. In this, it is hard to be aware of others - so the family day goes off in all directions.

Some are stuck in an office and its routines, some in a disorganized classroom, some on the road trying to get there. Is this what we call family life?

To deal with these new conditions, the family must take deliberate actions to start the family day right. Here is one way: • At the start of the day, the family takes 15 minutes together • The time is spent in sharing, meditation and prayer • Each sets a goal for the day and shares it • Sometime later, perhaps dinner, each shares how things went In this way, the family invests 15 minutes of a 10 hour day to help get things right.

We can get

control of our lives

if the family takes a short time

together

Missed Opportunities Joe, the supervisor, is showing a new employee around the offices. He and Louis didn’t take to each other at first sight but let time tell the story. For a couple of months they worked out pretty well together.

At that point, Joe said to Louis, “I am pleased to be working with you.”

Louis’ response was, “I am so glad and relieved to hear you say that.”

The next day Louis poked his head in Joe’s office and said, “We forgot to talk about the Christmas bonuses.”

Joe did a double-take then said, “I don’t understand.”

Louis said, “Where I last worked we got Christmas bonuses.”

Joe said, “There is nothing in your orientation materials about bonuses.”

Louis then replied, “That leaves me confused.”

After two months of mutual confidence building and a working relationship breakthrough, Louis spoiled the whole breakthrough. Why did he raise such a dumb question right in the middle of a positive, new feeling in the relationship?

Do we all have the capacity to spoil a very good thing? If so, we all need a psychiatrist or a priest or a dear friend.

When things are good try

buttoning the lip

Christian Homework We are excited to receive acceptance into the college of our choice. That means we are on our way to becoming a professional in some field. The acceptance obviously does not mean we are fully qualified. It does mean that we have taken an essential step. That step is now to be followed by years of homework.

The life of faith is just like that. The first step is a big one. That step is made only after extensive thought and inquiry. But that step is just the start of a new phase of life. Then come the years of homework to be able to carry out the full role of a believer. What follows is a sample of daily homework schedule of one particular Christian: After breakfast comes family devotions: • Usually starts with reading from the Bible or other literature • Next is sharing and deciding any important matter • Then there is prayer on the theme and attention to others Next is individual time: • The start is prayer and meditation.

•Then comes a written goal to be the key for the day •Followed by prayer for loved ones and others Before bedtime the couple meets again for devotions: • There is reading from scripture • Then comes prayer on the faith theme and others • Any question is raised and discussed At bedtime: • There is individual prayer, thankfulness and commitment This schedule has taken, in this case, at least 15 years to evolve. It was tough to develop the habit. It came from personal needs - not from some prepared material. It is deeply personal.

Even some other family members are not aware of the practice.

There are many major homework benefits. There is the reminder of the first decision. There are always problems of family or others to deal with. For each day there is a sense of direction and purpose. Relationships are deepened and rewarding.

Working with God works

Family Cautions Avoid schools where the kids have taken control Test every new drug with neighbours and the internet Don’t scapegoat a child because he is different Let your doctor know that you are the customer Parents being right is far less important than that they are together Avoid doctors and lawyers who attempt counseling Avoid lecturing - the examples are what count Don’t believe everything your kids tell you Promises are a waste of time Most kids lie and try to play one parent over another Togetherness is family priority one; prayer can do that

Tough Love is

still a good way

When the Roof Fell in Life is going along as usual when we find ourselves in a big problem that we can’t seem to fix. We are in conflict. Are there any words of wisdom that can help when the argument gets out of control - hot and hurting? Here are a few ideas: Try to remember that the words can hurt for a long time Come to a full stop to settle down a bit slowing the pulse rate Both search for the real problem Kate and her husband are going at each other - the fur has been flying for over an hour. The issue is that Bill’s work is going to cancel a trip to visit Kate’s’ parents. In all the heat neither is making much effort to understand the other’s feelings. Kate has spent little time trying to understand Bill’s work demands.

He, on the other hand, has felt little sympathy for the importance to Kate of the visit to her parents.

What will it take to get through this? Will one finally ask if there is a compromise?

Another might suggest that they let a little time go by before continuing. Another way out is that one of them could ask a dear friend for comments. Finally both might come to agree that the problem is bigger than they are - a time for quiet, private prayer.

Even in times of

conflict,

learning and growing can happen

In Praise of Praise Why don’t we hear much about the use of “Praise”? We do hear lots about the opposite - criticism. Why is it that we know what criticism is like, how to do it and the hurt it can cause. For most of us.it is hard to get through a day without criticism. Why then is “Praise” so scarce?

If we were take a poll in one family, for one day, counting the number of praises and criticisms, we all know that the criticisms would win by a wide margin.

Today’s Christians find it doubly difficult to find space for “Praise” in our lightning fast blizzard of words. Their scripture doesn’t help them when they search for “Praise” in Jesus’ own words as reported by Mathew.

Now, we don’t even have time for proper greetings. Maybe we all are missing the great opportunity to be kindly?

It takes no time to say “Great“ Have we become so aware of criticism that praise gets squeezed out on the rail. Maybe here is our opportunity. If we became more conscious of “ Praise” and its great benefits, then, there would be more opportunity to give someone a good moment. Criticism might have less time.

There is a very sober fact behind all this. People vary enormously in their capacity to be caring. There are some so busy with themselves, that opportunities for others don’t exist. But maybe here is an opportunity for the unfeeling folks. If more use were made of “Praise”, maybe some might develop the habit, for a start, by faking it.

Now that we have opened the subject of “Praise”, most of us realize that this is a really big deal.

Praise can turn life from

drab to joy

Our Relationships Shape Our World Picture the Stone family: Dad comes home frazzled by work and travel. Mom is trying to get dinner ready after having a fight with her boss. The son had a bad soccer practice. The daughter wonders why everybody is up-tight.

What will get them through all this? It may be that they are bound together by the best of relationships - unconditional love. This type of relationship is ideal because it is solid no matter what. It brings people together and problems get resolved. It is faith-based.

Or, it may be that the Stone family has a mishmash of relationships –leaving them with all the problems still hot when they go to bed and restless sleep.

It is up to the Stone family to decide what is most important - work or relationships. That choice will decide how time is spent. If they chose the way of faith, they could even get to know how great an unconditional relationship is.

Our relationships are the biggest

challenge and opportunity of life

Time For A Family Wake-Up Call With many powerful community forces fragmenting the family, it is time to wake up.

Thirty years ago, we heard about the nuclear family. Then, parents and children were struggling on their own without daily support of other important family members. Some members travelled away. Others just stayed away without either trying to help or because of being told not to try.

Now what label do we put on the family? The most realistic one is, “Fragmented”.

Our families in their daily struggle to pay bills, seem to have little time to consider what the family is and where it is going. The family needs to wake up before it becomes a pawn in a number of bureaucracies.

The trend is the growth of bureaucracy and alternative beliefs which are fragmenting the existing families and their community culture.

The tasks ahead are formidable: • Remembering that the family is the sole source of character and security.

• Finding ways to use money to consolidate rather than fragment the family.

• Rediscovering the wholesome quality of family doing things together.

• Helping each family member through some trouble or phase.

How does the family wake up without an alarm

clock?

What’s Not For Sale!

We live in a money world. It is hard to find anything that money doesn’t control. The U.S.A. spends 2$ Billion to elect a president. The News is orchestrated to please the advertiser. The banks take our money, profit from it and charge us fees for their “services”.

We have very big problems. Tyranny is growing. Schools and child care programs are underfunded. Health care is being cut back. We spend $ billions on pills - our anxiety pills don’t cure and often don’t help.

We all chase the dollar to get what we want regardless what we already have. The weird thing is that all the money passion doesn’t help what’s most important in life. We all know the list: • Family and dear friends • Time for leisure and play • A faith that brings security • A life worth living

Our taste and haste for money are

spoiling our lives

Too Much Mom? Eddy is afraid of school. Each morning he gets very anxious – doesn’t want to go to school. Often one parent will have to go with him. At school, he is too anxious to concentrate - wants to go home to Mom. At times he will have a sick stomach and needs to leave and go home.

The clinicians suspect school phobia. With this, the child gets very upset leaving mother. This condition takes the child some time to adjust. Without help, the condition can become chronic.

There are a few simple things that will help. Mother explains in detail where she will be. A visit to her office helps the child visualize where Mom is. It is time for the dad to get more involved and the mom, less.

The morning is a good time to help. The family eats together. Parents tell of their days. Hugs are great. Mom should tell where she will be, then back, with times.

School phobia is too common.

Cure is with the parents, not the child

Parent - Not a Pal In our age of single parents the risks for children become high. There are two main risks. In one case, the risk is overdependence by the child. The child’ selfworth is weakened. He lacks strength to make decisions. He is a clinging child.

In the other, more serious case, the parent uses the child as a pal. This gives the child decision powers that he is not ready to handle. He can easily become the boss of the home. This can result in troublesome behaviors outside the home.

The cause and control of this condition belongs to the parent. It is not easy to remain the authority figure. But this is how the child learns to respect authority.

Sue is a single mother with Jim, a 10 year old son. She works fulltime and worries about Jim getting the attention that he needs. All she can do to show her affection is to give him what he wants. She tries to let her son have his way. She buys him treats and toys.

It is very hard for her to be strict when she feels he is not getting what he needs.

Jim becomes bossy and reminds his mother he needs more, and more. In this process Jim doesn’t respect authority and gets in trouble with the teacher at school.

If this process continues, the results can be a man who cares little for what others say.

helps children freedom hurts children

Strictness too much

;

Parent Power - Yes or No? We are in an age of “Yes”. We are raising children with no respect for authority at home or at school. We trust too much in the native goodness of our children until they learn the lessons of “No”. Now instead, parents use legal ways to let kids have their own way.

The big clinical, psychological fact is that “No” causes no long term harm. “Yes” can lead to lasting behavior and psychological problems.

Son: Dad can I have the car tomorrow after supper?

Dad: Sorry, but No Son: I said I would pick up the guys after supper Dad: silence Son: I don’t want to have to lie to my friends Dad: Then don’t Son: Does that mean I can have the car?

Dad: Sorry, No. Rules for parents who don’t say “No”: • • • •

Don’t listen to 90% of kids asks Don’t explain why “No” The best way to handle a tantrum is isolation Agreement of both parents is a must.

We have bad , psychological

problems

and terror from

too much “Yes”

Here, is theVery Best Foolish humans as we are, we outsmart ourselves, We make life complicated missing what is obvious and the very best.

Here are some examples: • We want our best friend HERE when dying • The best marriage is working together, HERE • Believe it or not - God is here always HERE • The world’s best child care is – being HERE • The best food grows in our own garden • Our best love is HERE, unconditional • Our best action is helping someone else • Our best job is what we do best • Our best attitude is a smile

For more of the

important things

look for the NEXT

,

Here’ s What’ s Really Important Last time we wondered how HERE draws us from the over anxious ratrace. But, if we are missing a big thing in life, God gives us new chances.

How important is HERE with these?: HERE, nature paints pictures for us every day The cradle of character is HERE What we need to do is HERE HERE is where life’s bonds are built HERE is where we belong No place is as secure as HERE When away from HERE. Life’s not as good HERE is where we experience God’s goodness

Do these 18 HERE’S tell us

there’s no place like Home?

About the Author Robert Shaw, BASc, BD, MSW, is a human services leader with 50 years of service to troubled children and their families.

Dellcrest Children’s Mental Health Centre, The Markham Institute, Atlanta Project New Hope for Families and Markham Salvation Army Family Services were all founded by Robert. Under his leadership, training resources in service practices were created in the areas of family wellness, staff supervision, teamwork, continuous client benefit, evaluation, service program design and strategic planning.

For his work, Robert was awarded the Distinguished Contributor’s Award from the Ontario Association of Children’s Mental Centres. He was honored as a Fellow of the faculty of administrative studies, York University, for his help in starting the Voluntary Sector Management Training program.

Robert is the author of numerous training manuals and books—all devoted to the practices of serving children and their families.

The aim of this book is to encourage parents in their efforts to nurture their children in a family atmosphere of faith and character building. Each essay brings practical examples from both professional and family experiences.

The author is Robert Shaw, B.A.Sc., B.D. M.S.W. who shares his professional experience from decades of leadership service to children and families. The editor is Myrlin Shaw who carried the full responsibility for the many drafts. The essays reflect also their experiences with their family of ten children. Robert and his wife Myrlin are members of The Salvation Army.

For a f r e e copy of e-book

Family Faith in

Action please go to

www.FaithFinder.ca Do natio ns can g o to T he M arkham I nstitute 20 Athlone Road, Toronto, ON M4J 4H2 a Canad ia n ch arit y You can contact Robert Shaw at: rcecshaw@aol.com