SPRING 2016 ISSUE WHATEVER
Under Your Doormat
FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2016
THE B LLBOARD
In the morning, I’m making waffles!
Abductions Happening in Chambersburg By Moosey
On March 29, at 12 p.m., Chambersburg‘s sky turned black and after a few of minutes turned a very dark purple. Large triangular objects could be seen in the sky but just barely. People watched in awe as it happened, and pictures are everywhere on social media. “It’s got to be the Illuminati,” said Mckayla Smith ’18. “Either that or aliens.” The government tried to cover it up by saying that they were testing new air craft technology. Other states believed them but no one in the area of Chambersburg did. Nothing else happened that evening. On March 30 there were a variety of people in Chambersburg that went missing and no one knows their whereabouts to date. According to Matthew Eisenhower, a homeless man, people have been spotted walking aimlessly down the street for hours, and not responding to anyone calling out to them. “They would walk around like mindless zombies and push away whoever was trying to help them snap out of it. Then after a minute or so, they would just vanish. Vanish into thin air,” Eisenhower explained. “There was nothing left of them.” Eisenhower believes that aliens are the cause for this strange occurrance and the only way to prevent them from trying to control your mind is to wear a boot on the top of your head. “Make sure it’s a rubber boot,” Eisenhower says. “That way the messages the aliens are transmitting will just bounce right off.” Perhaps it will work for Eisenhower, and for those who believe him but perhaps not. This could be the end of the world.
Another person, who will remain anonymous, stated they have recently spotted a creature that was definitely not from this world. “It had big black eyes that were looking right through me, it was about seven feet tall and before I could react it opened its mouth, a large mouth, it came down to about its midsection, and let out a blood curdling screech that could be heard from miles away,” Anonymous said, with a terrified
look. “Then a bright light appeared…and it disappeared.” They were definitely traumatized by their experience with the creature. No further questions were asked. The streets are practically empty. For those who are still out there, be safe. Right now there is nothing we can do. Not even the government can help us. IS IT REALLY THE END FOR HUMANITY!? No one knows.
“I caught the stupid...” Shenanigans 2, 3 &4 Easter Candy Thief Library Panick America’s Next Top Ki en Senior Ci zens Plot Trump: The Musical Professor Takes Revenge Deadpool’s Army Escaped Mental Pa ent
problems with vermin in your book bag? email the pest control club at pesty@wilson.edu
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line with Connect on
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/TheWilsonBullboard @WilsonBullboard TheWilsonBullboard.com bullboard@wilson.edu Alien Space Craft Spotted right Outside of Wilson College
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THE BULLBOARD
Warning!
FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2016
Watch Out!!
2
Striking
by Snake Catcher
Everyone knows the Easter Bunny. He goes from house to house the night before Easter, hiding goodies for boys and girls. He leaves candy, eggs, and various treats to match everybody’s tastes. In the morning, everyone gets to experience the thrill of the hunt for their baskets and devour what the Easter Bunny brought them. However, very few know about the Striking Snake.
Snake
This reptile is six feet long with green and silver scales. It has been trying to stop the Easter Bunny from hiding the baskets for years, but so far has been unsuccessful in stopping him. The Striking Snake can be spotted in the early morning, swallowing up everyone’s candy. From peanut butter eggs to coconut eggs to all the miniature candy bars, this snake will devour everything in an Easter basket, ruining
Stealing
Easter
the Easter fun for everyone. Striking Snake has been slithering through houses for years, stealing everyone’s candy. Few have seen this serpent and, those who had, could never catch it. But now this snake has been seen again! Striking Snake has made his way to us, and if you see a snake, check out its colors. Watch out for this snake and keep your candy close!
Candy
Stricking Snake Scares off Easter Bunny Photo Provided by Creative Commons
Wilson Library Shatters Leaving Students Libraryless by Questing for Camelot
After five years of waiting for the John Stewart Memorial Library to open due to infrastructural repair, it now has to close its doors once again. The night of March 27, a bout of vandalism occurred that shattered the windows that make up the majority of the building, leaving the library drafty and books unprotected. In response to the vandalism, Seymour Cleary ’16 states, “Everyone’s waited forever to use the new library. I can’t wait to release my untempered fury on those responsible.” The anger across campus is understandable as the wait for the new library was unbearable. While some feel anger towards the defacement, other students like Sarah Mic ’17 do not feel as though the vandalism was out of place. “It was creepy,” Mic says. “It was like a billion eyes were on you wherever you walked on campus. Like a Cyclops but not.” Upon further investigation by Wilson security and local Chambersburg law enforce-
ment, the glass doors and windows of the study rooms and offices were found likewise destroyed. “We hope whoever did this reflects on their fiery behavior,” state sisters Polly and Ethel Enes, two Chambersburg residents. What is strange about this vandalism is that nothing was taken after the windows were destroyed. Sergeant Byron Oxhide, one of Wilson’s new security guards comments, “All the computer equipment and technology that ranges from tens to hundreds of thousands of dollars was still there. We’re still doing inventory but so far everything has been accounted for.” Due to the exposure and drafts, the administration has decided to close the library until they can figure out the best way to fix the building. Books will soon be transferred to deep storage as March and April temperatures are unpredictable and not ideal for book preservation. Computers and furniture will be placed back in Sarah’s Coffee House and
Laird Hall until further notice. However, the main worry of librarian Leah Briary is the local wildlife. “It’s problematic if the animals start to inhabit the library now that there’s no way to keep them out. Squirrels are going to start burrowing into the walls. They’ve already burrowed into my brain. They’ll stop at nothing to take over.” Unfortunately, Ms. Briary was unable to answer any follow up questions as she was escorted by two gentlemen into the back of a van. In the meantime, the administration is designing a new layout for the library which includes a moat filled with runoff from local power plants and inhabited by alligators and piranhas. It will also feature hundred foot tall walls with turrets and barbed wire that cover the entire exterior of the building with access through a drawbridge. Head of Library Security, Dim the Magician states, “Guarding the drawbridge will be the infamous Black Knight which students, faculty, and staff must defeat before being allowed to pass. After defeating the Black Knight and crossing the draw-
bridge, library patrons will face a flock of carnivorous lagomorphs. Finally, if they survive the lagomorphs, patrons will encounter a door to which they will need a password to open it. The password will change daily and, along with a password, the sacrifice of a shrubbery is required.” Upon being asked if the new measures were secure enough Mr. the Magician responded, “Quite. No one has ever defeated the Black Knight.” Hopefully, with these new security measures the John Stewart Memorial Library will remain intact once the renovations are again complete. If anyone has information concerning the vandalism that will help police catch the perpetrator please dial 1-800-URCAUGHT. Callers will remain anonymous. If there are any questions or concerns about the new security measures, please email Dim the Magician at HolyGrailSecurity@wealreadygotone.net.
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FELINE FANCY
THE BULLBOARD
FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2016
3
Kitten to be on America’s Next Top Model Spin-Off By Ivana Kitty
This just in! A kitten from Waynesboro, Pennsylvania has just been casted on the new spin-off series of “America’s Next Top Model,” called “America’s Next Top Kitten.” It is little wonder this little cutie is making his way to stardom. From the natural skill of simply posing when asked to
having the genes of modeling from his mother, Miss Kitty, this kitten, who has yet to be named, is already becoming the most searched feline on the internet. It is a bit of a surprise this little kitten is so open to being in the spotlight, considering his mother, also pictured, is so well known she will hardly ever pose for the camera anymore. But the kitten has not let his associated fame go to his head. There are three other siblings to the kitten, but all have chosen different career paths. His two sisters plan to go into the telemarketing business considering their love
of mewing while his brother plans to be a mountain climber due to his love of climbing. When asked for comment, the modeling kitten simply shut his eyes, too tired from all of the interviews and amateur modeling gigs he has done recently. But his mother, Miss Kitty, had this to say, considering she loves the attention: “Meow.” The kitten has to stay with his mother for a few more weeks before venturing out on his own and starting his new TV career. Standard proto-
col and all. Something every kitten lover understands, the producers of the show tell him to take all the time he needs. In the mean time, this tiger-striped belly kitten is just anticipating his new career, and cannot wait until he is able to get out from under his mother’s paws.
Photos by Ivana Kitty
Senior Citizens Plan to Make it Rain Cats and Dogs By Katrina Garfield
For the past few weeks, a group of senior citizens have been meeting in the Brooks Science Center Auditorium each Tuesday and Thursday. Their activities have been unknown until now. A Billboard spy caught glimpses of the end of one of these secret meetings, and it turns out these seniors are meeting to figure out how to make it rain cats all over Chambersburg! A PowerPoint presentation on the big screen in the auditorium showed a briefing on weather trends and also had another slide containing a picture of cats. What else could this possibly mean? Before thinking that this may be jumping to conclusions, think about it. The term “it’s raining cats and dogs”? It had to come from somewhere! It turns out it was senior citizens meeting in Wilson’s one auditorium! Considering there were at
least 50 or so patrons at the meeting, this is no small matter. But the question arises… why are they trying to make this happen? Will there be enough Cat Chow in the local markets to support such an influx in the feline species? Will there also be dogs? Our inside investigator may have just missed this factor. Are they trying to create an all-out civil war between species? Although, going by stereotype, that apparently already exists. One thing’s for sure: keep your milk under lock and key.
Photo by Katrina Garfield
THE BULLBOARD
FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2016
HONORABLE MENTIONS
4
Professor Rewarded for Taking Revenge on Slacking Students By Skeeter Reeter bo Beeter
On Feb. 30, Wilson College held an unannounced awards ceremony to recognize one of its professors for her role in improving student grades and participation in all areas of academic study. The recent increase in enrollment on campus has come with many pros and cons. On the positive side, the dining hall has finally started serving a more diverse menu including pizza, burritos, ice cream, milkshakes, cookies, cakes, and panini*. However, due to the increased carb intake at breakfast, second breakfast, high tea, lunch, and dinner, a record number of students have started slacking off in class to the point where professors are forced to fail entire sections. Low grade reports to the Dean have noted thatstudents are mindlessly scrolling through social media, staring off into the great unknown, and failing to follow the most basic instructions. “The drool,” recalled Professor Ramalama Dingdong as she shook her head. “They were like mindless zombies. I bought stock in Clorox wipes and Kleenex. Something had to be done before they flood Warfield Hall.”
The immediacy of the problem prompted Dingdong to tap into skillsets that she had not utilized in many, many, many, many, many, many years. This resulted in a significant increase in attention
Hoagie Eugene Jackson ‘18
in class and a record-breaking improvement in grades. “During my days in the coven, I mastered the art of transfiguration and curses,” said Dingdong. “One day I walked into my classroom to find every single student snoring. The noise…I finally snapped. I waved my hand and turned them all into blue-footed bubis**.” News traveled across campus quickly, eliciting an immediate response from both faculty and students.
“I love it!” said one professor who wished not to be named. “That’s thinking outside the box! Personally, I would have avada kedavra’d the whole lot of them. But I suppose it’s a start.”
Photo provided by Patsy del Taco
Some students, on the other hand, were not necessarily amused. “She made us dance,” said Hoagie Eugene Jackson ’18. “All those blue feet doing a chorus line on the desks…I still have nightmares about it.” Patsy del Taco ’16, however, realized the necessity of Dingdong’s actions. “I mean, like, I get it,” said del Taco. “We weren’t paying attention. We needed a wakeup call, and this worked. I mean, she turned
us into bubis. Can you imagine what that does to a person? And if it’s a bubi today, what’s next? I can’t even think about it. It’s just too freaky.” Dingdong says she has only had to use the technique twice this semester, but plans to add a warning to all students in her syllabus starting next year. When asked if she would ever consider employing more provocative means of control, Dingdong said, “Oh, I don’t know. I would have to check into laws and policies on corporal punishment first. But of course, laws can be changed.” To date, only a handful of students have dropped out of Wilson. Strangely enough, these students never officially withdrew and no one has seen or heard from them in weeks. Though rumors persist, one thing is certain—grades are up, slacking is down, and a petition started by Dingdong to include more carb-free items in the dining hall now has administrators scrambling to action lest they find themselves transfigured…or worse. *Editor’s note: Let’s get it right…panino is singular; panini is plural. Quit saying “paninis,” you uncultured swine! **Editor’s note: It says “bubis,” not “boobies.” Quit being juvenile!