KoleanW Sanders

For years I avoided the pain of an abusive past. I would run by creating distractions that required my intense thought and full concentration, until I was too exhausted to give my memories the time to nestle in. I discovered I could lose my mind in the pursuit of work and in the conquest of business achievement. Hard work became a convenient way to deflect the horrid memories of being victimized in my early years. I felt it was a better choice of self-medication than the abuse of drugs and alcohol. Neither did I want to seek retaliation by being “on the take” as a promiscuous gold-digger.

When I realized I could escape my past by overachieving, I remember feeling justified, thinking, “I could be angry or dirty for what happened to me.” Instead, I prayed, “God, please don’t let me be a bad person.” He helped me by opening doors, empowering me to accomplish many things that I could not have done had He not answered my prayer. So, I give Him alone all the glory. Still, there was pain when I was alone during the quiet times. Although I kept my mind occupied, I still was not free.

A few years ago, I had an encounter with God that reminded me of the Moses’ burning bush experience where He implanted a compulsion, a seed, a vision within. In that mountain top experience, I renewed my commitment to my heavenly Father. He gave me an assignment and He was very specific on what I was to do. It involved plunging into uncharted waters, laying myself bare, exposed and vulnerable. He prompted me to tell my story to the world. It was scary because I would be unearthing much of what happened to me over 40 years ago.

God was clear that my healing would be perfected as I removed the force field from around my heart. I didn’t realize that my way of protecting my heart also locked me into an emotional state from which I could not free myself. How I wanted this cup to pass from me. But I had learned to be obedient and to follow His leading many times before. I had to believe this time would be no different.

I had no idea when I began to rehash the gory details and come out of my shadows that a diabolical can of worms would be opened and released. I had hidden and held it in so long. Yet, as with most victims, the emotional side effects sometimes found a way to resurface. Trusts issues, challenges with self-esteem, deep seated desires for vindication, and the need to compete were just a few.

After 40 years of quiet terror, trying to forget who did what, when, where

and how many times, I began to recall and face the events, as well as the emotions that I felt at the times they occurred. I also had to re-live and face head-on all their demons. It became even more clear the trauma that I would contend with as I followed the Spirit.

One thing God had inspired me to do was to buy a house, not knowing exactly why. Then, shortly thereafter, He told me to establish a nonprofit organization called Geneva Foundation, Incorporated, named after my mother, the late Geneva Williams. Its mission was to plant seeds today for a better tomorrow by sowing into the lives of those whose needs have been neglected as a direct result of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. The foundation was to also help victims, particularly adolescents and troubled females, to deal with these hardships as they seek the freedom to improve the quality of their lives. The purpose was to guide abused women to a new life course through education, counseling, and recovery.

As I began to open up, I was met with many reactions of others, including denial, criticism, pity and surprise. Once, when I was battling with the thought of not being embraced nor accepted by a family member, God gave me a nudge while I was on a ladder painting the 10-foot walls at the Geneva House. That nudge literally knocked me off the ladder as I thought I heard the rear door of the house open. I hit the floor so hard I considered going to the ER. While I lay there on the floor, I expected to see someone walk through the house. I waited, and I waited… nothing. Then God spoke into my spirit, “Why do you need someone to validate you when I have brought you through your experiences?”

Although obedience was difficult, it truly was worth it. I have to say it was only God and one or two close friends who walked with me through the murky waters, supporting me as I journeyed to the other side. God was clear that my healing would be perfected as I removed the force field from around my heart. I didn’t realize that my way of protecting my heart also locked me into an emotional state from which I could not free myself. How I wanted this cup to pass from me. But I had learned to be obedient and to follow His leading many times before. I had to believe this time would be no different.

I followed God’s leading and began to host group sessions and classes with females. The vision enlarged and the classes were taken on the road around the state of Mississippi where we witnessed Him move in mighty ways.

I wrote a book on a few of my mother’s survival tips. She gave me some of these during a final conversation on her death bed. They helped me to cope with the trauma I would experience at the hands of others in her absence. The book has traveled the globe and has found its way into several prisons. Two additional books that I have written to encourage and inspire the wounded

Suddenly I realized I was not alone in the trouble I experienced. Women and girls, even men, came out of the woodwork citing their accounts of the hurt they endured and have carried inside. No demographic segment of our society is exempt. People from all stations and walks of life, across cultural and socioeconomic lines began to find the courage to share. I ponder even now, the crisis the nation is in, the shelter at home ordinances that may possibly lend more opportunity for abusers who are not reporting to work. How many more people are now being mistreated; whether a child, an adult, the elderly? Does it stand to reason that domestic violence increases during isolation due to the pandemic?

My partner, Sheldon Gooch, and I decided to provide a platform, an outlet, that would allow the willing to share their stories. I became co-anchor of New Beginnings Radio, a weekly broadcast that highlights personal real-life testimonies of those who were victims, but who are now victors. Often guests tell us the interview was the very first time their stories were told, and how opening up and letting it out provided a release for them. The feedback of many listeners from around the globe, who share in the pain and who are inspired by the victory, encourages me to continue the outreach. As I continue to obey my Spirit, I am affirmed with more of His healing grace, peace, and blessings in my ministry with the Geneva Foundation.

The following stories on pages 24-26 are of three heroic women whom I have had the honor to meet and truly care about since our time on the air. Their full, powerful accounts, along with many others, can be heard from the 2019/2020 Archives of the New Beginnings Radio series. https://bbsradio.com/ newbeginnings#archives.

Supporters may reach the Geneva Foundation via the web: www. genevafoundationinc.org.