MISCARRIAGE AND

By Rachna Chhokar

Iam a survivor of child loss. A subject that is very difficult to talk about, but talk we must. It’s ironic that while on one hand because of the fact that statistically one in every four pregnancies end in loss, and thus we have a tendency to normalize miscarriage whenever the issue is broached upon, on the other hand, there is an unsaid taboo on discussing the same. Before I had to suffer through this personally, I had hardly come across a conversation discussing this and thus could not have envisioned it in even my wildest dreams, and yet when I did discuss it myself, to my surprise many females I knew had borne this pain and suffering bravely at some point of time in their lives. This article is just an effort to highlight why is a dialogue on miscarriage important, and why we should not be doomed to grieve in silence when we could all do so openly and collectively, sharing the pain and remembering our lost angels, irrespective of the whether we are now blessed with our rainbow babies or not.

We have a term for a child that loses his/ her parents, called an orphan. We have a term for a person losing its spouse, a widow. But what do we call a person who has lost its child, born or unborn. Why is the English or Hindi language so rich and versatile on covering all modes of expression fail in capturing this grief. Isn’t it peculiar? Even the term we use to depict the sad incident- miscarriage, I have a strong reservation against the usage of this term as if implying that our bodies are defective pieces of equipment that have malfunctioned and thus miscarried. The word only concretizes the guilt trip that we each force upon ourselves subconsciously, working out the numerous permutations and combinations of behavior and lifestyle patterns that could have helped prevent the loss. As if we are not punishing ourselves enough. Post my miscarriage, I came in touch with many women in a support group who had practically started hating their bodies that they believed had failed them. They shared stories of the scars that their miscarriage left on them psychologically, the trauma that they would go through with their subsequent pregnancies afraid with each ultrasound that they would be said the same dreaded four words by the doctor -“There is no heartbeat.”

There is so much grief and pain all bottled up in each of the women who go through miscarriage (this word now being used only semantically for absence of an alternative). We are no doubt thankful for the support we are offered, but all the words of consolation- “it was only 15 weeks” “it was Gods will and you can’t fight it” “atleast you can still get pregnant” etc etc, just fall on our deaf ears, as our hearts are still caught up in the turmoil of the pain and the loss. Each mother’s day is a challenge as we question our fluid identity as a mother- are we still to be termed a mother or are we not? This situation worsens in the case of the grieving male partners. The expectations imposed by the toxic notions of social masculinity like “mard ko dard nahi hota” ends up making the journey of loss and grief even more trumulous for the husbands who may not themselves have been physically carrying the child yet were equal partners in this dreamy journey of the nine months, bitterly shattered by the crude reality of child loss.

It’s thus important that miscarriage is talked about. But now the pertinent question is why is miscarriage a taboo and a hush hush topic? It is perhaps a part of the wider trend in our society where women’s issues have normally taken a back seat. Or perhaps it’s an extension of the unsaid taboo on discussing the matters of the female bodily functions termed as impure like menstruation or child birth. The notions of impurity have traditionally been linked with all three - child birth, menstruation and death in a family where the entire family observes a period of purification as no food to offered to a deity for ten days after child birth (sutak period) or death in a family. The long list of prohibitions on menstruating women in traditional households is only well known. In this situation child loss is a confluence of all three- child birth, loss of blood and death in a family, and hence a taboo.

But now it’s time that the taboo is broken and this topic is discussed widely, as it is more than a mere topic, these are tales of survival which are inspirational and should be thus shared.

The trauma of child loss should be recognized and professional help by the couple should be sought to overcome it. True the grief can never completely subside. Time does not heal such pain borne out of child loss, but acts as a temporary opiate to help us survive through the days even as the anniversaries of the due date jerks us back into the reality. But living through this grief and recognizing it is important, as this journey travelled together by the couple also makes their bond stronger in the long run.