The Beauty and Challenges of Being a Woman

Personal Essays from our Community

I COULDN'T FIND A JOB OFFERING FAMILY-FRIENDLY FLEXIBILITY -- SO I CREATED MY OWN

By Laura Christman Pilcher Owner/ Marketing Director of Pique Digital

For a seemingly liberal town, Denver has surprisingly limited options for working mothers to get both the flexibility and the title they want. I learned this firsthand when I moved to the mile-high city in 2011 along with my husband and five month old son.

Armed with a degree in journalism and more than seven years of experience, it didn't take long to find a position in downtown Denver. I was part of an internal marketing team for a health and wellness company. While doing the "9-to-5" thing, I received more backlash than I ever could have imagined from coworkers, simply because I had family commitments that required me to arrive and leave exactly on time. So, my full-time job was really an 8-6:30" position that did not provide much leeway for those needing flexibility. In fact, I remember a female coworker at one point say loudly, "I guess the only way you can arrive late and leave early is if you have a kid." On top of all that, despite leading a department and exceeding all benchmarks for success, my requests for a promotion were denied again and again.

Frustrated, I searched endlessly for a job that would offer me a flexible schedule as well as the growth I was looking for. I did interview after interview, and every time I was in a final interview

and asked about flexibility, I was promptly turned away. Even a company that exclusively sold baby products scoffed when I asked for two days a week working remotely. I felt I was not only missing out on milestones in my toddler son's life, but I was also paying through the nose to have someone else experience those with him. Knowing I wasn't going to achieve my dreams by climbing the corporate ladder, I completed my MBA and left to start my own business in 2013.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago...a student at Regis University interviewed me for a class project. She asked asked how I rose to the rank of Marketing Director. I told her this: Give yourself the promotion you want.

By starting my own business, I have been able to give myself the title I want. It has allowed me to make more than I was making at my full-time job, add team members if my workload is too full, take a maternity leave when I had my second child without having to "return" to work at any given time...truly the best of both worlds.

WOMEN BREADWINNERS FACE UNIQUE CHALLENGES

By Maureen Kelley, MADRE Financial Well Being for Women

As gender equality continues to improve in the workforce, more women than ever now find themselves in the position of family breadwinner. Women are having a now moment, asking for advice on how to best handle greater earnings and career success while maintaining a healthy marriage. Often surprised by a combination of negative emotions and dissatisfaction at home, attempting to find balance in their powerful new role is a lonely journey for many.

Take Melissa, a 43-year-old breadwinner, who is conflicted by the issues that financial success have brought upon her marriage and feels guilty about unpleasant feelings toward her husband. When entering her marriage, she assumed she would have a balanced partnership, but has lost respect for her husband and become resentful, questioning whether her career is preventing him from being ambitious.

Seeking support, she opened up to her 63-year-old friend and mentor about the pressure and strain that outearning her husband had put on her marriage - to a highly-charged, emotional response. Unable to recognize or understand Melissa's pain, she was told to, Just deal with it and stop whining. After all, opportunity, equal pay and breaking the glass ceiling are what women fought for over many years.

Why then, if women are having career and financial success, are they so dissatisfied at home? A 2013 study of 4,000 married American couples by Marilyn Bertrand at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business found that regardless of amount, once a woman earns more in a marriage, the divorce rate increased. The conflict typically arises from the discussions around money, which are often more intense and take longer to recover from than other arguments. Studies also reveal that gaps in housework actually widen when a woman is the primary breadwinner, leading men to do less childcare and work around the house. Some suggest this results from a perceived threat to male masculinity, so women overcompensate by doing more.

Some couples are able to navigate this new financial model successfully, but it takes work and mutual understanding.

Couples need to work together to evaluate who and where they are. Disagreements about money are normal, but they can be difficult to navigate when couples have different expectations for their futures together.

I WANT MORE WOMEN TO STEP INTO THEIR POWER

By Chelley Canales, Founder of lighthouse/haven

I know you've seen her. That woman with the million dollar smile and a presence so big that you're almost knocked off your feet as she passes. She walks with effortless confidence. She speaks with authority and trusts that what she has (and loves) to offer, is making a difference. She's compensated handsomely. She knows her purpose, and you can only watch in awe as she takes off on her trajectory, fully on fire, changing the world. I find it heartbreaking that we live in a world where if a room full of women showed up like this, it would be odd, threatening even.

Instead, we have a world where boardrooms filled exclusively with men make decisions regarding our bodies. Where our voices are turned down or silenced, where we are expected to take up as little space as possible, and where we ask for permission to lead because we've been trained to do so our entire lives.

The great news is that the tide is shifting and each passing day reveals evidence that women are believing in the value of their voices more and stepping into their power to reclaim their space and time (Thank you, Maxine Waters!). I imagine a world of switches turning on, woman by woman, until they light up the room, fully in their power, and it isn't unusual.

So how do we get there? Here are a few key areas we can each focus on to achieve this:

Self-care

You can't pour from an empty well. Schedule in your you time - meditation, baths, exercise, reading, anything that brings you joy.

Self-development

Find the internal obstacles to your success and growth. What can you heal and clear out of your system?

Sisterhood and community

We are taught to distrust each other, but we are actually stronger together and more alike than we realize.

Seek inspiration from those who embody your values

For me, it's Michelle Obama, RBG, and Kristen Bell.

Live your best light, girl! You were meant to share your own special brand of magic that would never exist in this world if you hide it. Honor your gifts and remember that by doing so, everyone around you will benefit from them too.

EXPLORING MY FEMALE GENDER IDENTITY & EXPRESSION

By Rachel Salvay

Society has not always let me claim my female gender identity unchallenged. That may seem an odd thing for someone born cisgender to declare. I identify as female, I always have, and... I have never thought of it as a particularly big deal.

I was quite young when my self-awareness expanded to the recognition of an undoubtedly female identity, but the intensity of that affiliation paled in comparison to others coming into focus: child, human, caring, creative. Other people, surely meaning to assist me, encouraged me to play more strongly into stereotypical gender expressions.

Frustrated by the unsolicited advice I would recoil or lash out.

Through my teens and early twenties, I was faced with the challenge of identifying into and accepting the body I occupied, for nature had given me a full figure in an hourglass shape that attracted a lot of attention I absolutely did not want. My shape and size felt inconvenient, and, thus, so did I. I loathed the complexity of maintaining a head of curls, something that I now understand to be a complete contrivance (the beauty industry will surely never reveal what it took me years to discover: curls love to be left the hell alone). I was interested in makeup only so far as its ability to make imaginary characters come alive. I deplored wearing a skirt in any form other than my bathrobe, yet it was impossible to avoid donning a dress for the weekly religious services I attended out of parental mandate. I happened to really love rainbows (and still do), but that association only added to others' confusion about my gender and my sexual orientation.

As my own attitude shifted oh-so-gradually into recognizing the many good intentions packed into society's suggestions odd as they sometimes strike me, even still the unrest of my youth dwindled. I came into self-acceptance, by way of relationships that gave me a judgment-free forum for discussing my confusion with others. I discovered my human right to be supported by community as my candid self. And I recognized the teary shouting matches of my youth as having healthily thickened my skin.

Today I live freely and more peacefully because I understand how I simply do not strongly self-identify through the facet of gender, and that my valuable time and energy are best spent far, far away from being concerned with what anyone else thinks of me. I am my own self, which includes my completely unique version of female gender expression. Just as I know myself better than anyone else does, so do you know yourself the absolute very best. You do you better than anyone else does or will ever be able to. You deserve to be you, and be supported in that.