Income Outcome

Partners

Learning to Accept Help

By Janet Van deWalle

I am a caretaker—always have been. I grew up in a family of eight, with two older sisters and three younger brothers. I was three when my brother Tom was born, five when my brother Steve was born, and seven when my brother Greg was born.

I am a Cancer, so mothering comes naturally to me. I remember the joy I got as a little girl, taking care of “the boys.” I was at the age that they were like dolls to me. I took care of them the best I could to help out my mom, Anne, who had had those six kids in just 10 years.

“Moms, the only people who know the true meaning of 24/7.” —Anonymous

Then, the little girl grew up. Life happened. Got married, had my kids, started a business. Through it all, I was still a mother, to my kids, my staff, and my customers. Like I said, I’m a born caretaker!

“You have permission to rest. You are not responsible for fixing everything that is broken. You do not have to try to make everyone happy. For now, take time for you. It’s time to replenish.” —Anonymous

Yup, never got that message! To this day, I find myself trying to be a “mom” to most people in my life. The problem here? Not everyone needs or wants a mom!

My husband and I are working at learning how to be partners. Manny is teaching me how to take care of myself, as he takes care of me and I take care of him. What I have learned, among lots of other things, is how to communicate my concern for him without mothering him.

“A mother tells, a partner asks.” —Manny Chavez

Manny is also teaching me how to accept being taken care of by my husband. I grew up to be a very independent woman. My mother raised me during the women’s liberation movement, and I took that into my adulthood. Asking for help, much less accepting it, was not a path that I had ever traveled down.

“We know you’re strong, but accepting help is its own kind of strength.” —Kiera Cass

Learning how to be a partner in a marriage is something that has turned my world upside down. It is glorious. It is disturbing. It is growth. Manny had been divorced for 22 years before we got married. After his divorce, he did not run out and get remarried quickly. He took those 22 years to learn about healthy relationships, about being partners. I am very fortunate that I am receiving the benefits of his creation! Life is good.