In The Wake Of Us Laura Pettenuzzo We began with a travel agent and ended at the airport. We had Google Maps to stop us from getting lost in Europe, but I didn’t have a map to keep me from getting lost in you.
I’ve lived one-quarter of a century, and only one-twenty fifth of that was spent with you. But if my love is an ocean, then I gave you the Pacific. I’ve never loved or lived in halves. I hope I never will. How can something with such a clear beginning and ending still feel so messy? This disaster is a reminder that pain doesn’t know boundaries or care for how much I tell it—beg it—to leave me alone.
I begged myself not to push you away and, still, I did. I begged you not to stay away, and still you did. We were a storm, and I am depleted in the wake of us; a person reduced. I am relearning how to define myself without you. A task made so much more difficult by the fact that I don’t want to. The child in me wants to dig in her heels and refuse to let go as if I might be able to bring you back to me. I fall into the trap of hoping you’ll reclaim me when really I need to reclaim myself.
You said your universe revolved around mine. I only realised after you were gone how much mine had orbited yours, too. I only realised it when my life seemed empty without you. But one thing I learned from us is just how much my thoughts can lie. For all that you enriched it, my world is far from empty. I have a network of friends who are patient and gracious with me, even when I’m not. Even when you couldn’t be. If my love is an ocean, then they’re teaching me how to swim in it. I remember them and, slowly, I begin to remember myself. I gave you all my power, and this is how I take it back:
I visit all the places we frequented together because although they remind me of you, I can’t avoid them forever. There’s strength in making new memories.
I sleep enough and eat enough. And I call my psychologist whenever I need her because there’s no shame in asking for help. There’s no shame in missing you. I decide, moment to moment, that I am worthy of moving forward. That even though you gave up on us, there’s no way I’ll give up on me.
35
