How to Avoid Toxic Perfectionism When Planning a Wedding

BY SIMON SHERRY THE CONVERSATION

We live in the age of perfection. Perfectionism is a personality trait that involves demanding a flawless standard of performance and harshly evaluating ourselves and others. Expectations are so high that something is either flawless or worthless.

Perfectionism rates steadily increased over recent decades, and our culture is now obsessed: the perfect body, job, partner, vacation … the perfect life. We believe others demand more of us and we demand more of others and ourselves.

Nowhere is this more obvious than weddings.

After 25 years researching this topic (and more than 100 publications), I take particular interest in cultural trends that encourage perfectionism — and weddings take the cake.

Pursuing perfection

Most weddings have some common elements: two people, often dressed in some combination of white dress and/or nice suit, exchange vows and rings. But now, in the age of social media and the wedding industry, the wed- ding must have an esthetic The reception must be themed, the ceremony colour co-ordinated, and above all: it. must. be. perfect.

Pinterest inspiration boards set the tone and Instagram photos set the standard. Perfection is the tale and social media the teller. Where’s the romance?

Many perfectionists are sen- sitive to rank, status and dominance in social groups, which drives envy, jealousy and a desire to best others and turns everything into a competition. Weddings are a major milestone that change or reinforce social status; as such, people seek perfection to ridiculous extremes. Minute details are fussed over to the exclusion of what should really matter: the love that brought everyone together in the first place.

How can you have a beautiful, romantic, special day without falling into the trap of relentlessly pursuing perfection? Well, you forget perfection and focus on people.

Pressure from other people

There is immense pressure to plan a party that pleases staid family members and adventurous friends alike. Socially prescribed perfectionism is the belief that society, family and friends have unrealistic expectations of perfection of you.

If your mother is in tears because you’re questioning a religious ceremony, ask yourself these three things: continued on page 20

What are our values? Figure out what you value and translate those values into actions. If you and your partner want to interact with each guest, invite only your nearest and dearest. If you’re environmentally conscious, swap disposable decorations for in-season florals. Are you animal lovers? Ask guests to donate to your choice of charity instead of buying a gift. If you make your wedding a reflection of your values, then you’re less likely to view it as a “failure” if it doesn’t conform to others’ expectations, as perfectionists often do.

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