WORLD’S END

Almost every national constitution forbids the establishment of an official state religion. But this secular bent doesn’t stop people from looking to the heavens for answers to life’s most troublesome questions: Will I succeed? Will I find love? Will I move next to former royals on a weed farm?

Every day, papers, magazines and websites worldwide print horoscopes— projections for people born in a specific month, based on the positions of the stars and planets. While many people rely on these daily, weekly or monthly messages for guidance in their lives, some readers skip over them entirely. The editors of WS recognize that these little pearls of random foresight occasionally prove pro phetic. But rather than poring over charts of the zodiac to predict world events, our staff prefers to use past horoscopes in an attempt to legitimize the science.

As you can see here, had some of these media figures remembered to consult their horoscopes on significant dates, they could have avoided a few surprises.

IN THE STARS

Jennifer Lopez

Nick Jonas

Hilary Duff

Mark Wahlberg

MEGHAN MARKLE Global distinction: Duchess of Sussex. Sign: Leo (b. August 4, 1981) Significant date: February 26, 2020 Noteworthy activity: Since stepping back from their royal duties, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex have taken up residence in an $18 million luxury Vancouver Island home. Just down the road from their rental, an unused factory is being leased out to cannabis farmers, according to DailyMail.com, meaning that their Canadian hideaway could soon be surrounded by weed crops. Horoscope: “The road to short-term pleasure may have taken you off your life’s track, but now you’re ready for a healthier taste of the high life.” (astrology.com.au)

JENNIFER LOPEZ Global distinction: Multihyphenate entertainer. Sign: Leo (b. July 24, 1969) Significant date: February 26, 2020 Noteworthy activity: The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) receives more than 1,300 complaints from viewers regarding the Super Bowl halftime show featuring J.Lo and fellow pop sensation Shakira. The dance-filled performance is described in the complaints, many from parents, as “pornographic,” “completely inappropriate” and “obscene,” and likened to a “strip club act,” among other choice terms. Horoscope: “You are learning to express yourself playfully and creatively without apology, and you are more willing to take some personal risks in order to do so.” (cafeastrology.com)

NICK JONAS Global distinction: Jonas brother. Sign: Virgo (b. September 16, 1992) Significant date: February 25, 2020 Noteworthy activity: During an appearance on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, Jonas reveals that he came off stage after the Jonas Brothers’ performance at the 2020 Grammy Awards on a high—only to very quickly be brought down to Earth after a quick check of his messages. “The first message on my phone was from Adam Levine. He’s like, ‘Nice performance. You had a little schmutz in your teeth,’” Jonas shares. The culprit was spinach from the singer’s breakfast. Horoscope: “Your friends will be watching, ready to keep you humble.” (newsok.com)

HILARY DUFF Global distinction: “Lizzie McGuire.” Sign: Libra (b. September 28, 1987) Significant date: February 25, 2020 Noteworthy activity: The 32-year-old actress, who is reprising her iconic Lizzie McGuire character in a Disney+ revival (the production of which is currently halted), shares a screenshot on her Instagram story of an article about the Love, Simon TV series moving from Disney+ to Hulu, as it was deemed not a good fit for the “familyfriendly” streamer. “Sounds familiar,” she writes above the circled headline in her post. Horoscope: “Revealing your true feelings about a situation may induce some anxiety, but others value your honest opinions on things and want you to voice your concerns.” (virginislandsdailynews.com)

MARK WAHLBERG Global distinction: American actor. Sign: Gemini (b. June 5, 1971) Significant date: February 26, 2020 Noteworthy activity: Before becoming an international movie star, Wahlberg fronted the ’90s hip-hop group Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. Despite—or maybe because of—his musical past, his 10-year-old daughter has no interest in hitting the dancefloor with him at her school’s father-daughter dance. “I didn’t get one dance,” Wahlberg admits on The Ellen DeGeneres Show. “I told her we were gonna do the whole big circle and then I was gonna go off and she said, ‘Dad if you embarrass me I will never talk to you again.’” Horoscope: “Getting turned down shouldn’t discourage you from trying again.” (sfgate.com)

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER Global distinction: “The Terminator.” Sign: Leo (b. July 30, 1947) Significant date: February 26, 2020 Noteworthy activity: The action star brings both his pet donkey LuLu and miniature pony Whiskey with him to work. He posts a video to his Instagram page set to the tune of Queen’s “You’re My Best Friend” showing him walking through the hallways of his office with the leashed animals in tow. At one point in the video, the furry pals interrupt him at his desk for a snack. Horoscope: “Beware of the so-called friends who distract you from your work.” (chicagoindian.com)