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The Gay Discovery Mission: How to Subtly Tell Someone You’re Interested in That You’re Gay

Anonymous

Heteronormativity in society and in social interactions can be a large barrier to Queer people being able to find a love match. In my case, as a gay man, far too much time is spent as a detective attempting to investigate the sexual orientation of my crushes. While people are largely more open about their sexuality than ever before, it’s still incredibly common to be sat (and often staring) in deliberation.

But fear not, dear reader, for I will help you discern the compatibility of the cutie in your life. I am writing from my personal experience with men, but these tips are definitely widely applicable to all non-heterosexuals out there! xoxo

STEP 1: So You’ve Found a Man As a gay singleton who wishes to be otherwise, gelling with attractive sweet guys often leads to thoughts of asking them out. I imagine this is the same for other singles out there who strike up a rapport with a good looking someone.

Often these remain simply friendships, which can be lovely – certainly it’s less pressure. Yet, if you ‘click’ personality-wise, if you’re attracted to them, why not go one step further?

Securing the first date can be incredibly exciting; whether they ultimately end up being a one-night stand or a future husband, who’s to say? I’ve had dates leading to year long relationships, dates leading to one-night stands, and dates leading nowhere. Putting yourself out there opens up a whole range of possibilities; the worst that can happen is it doesn’t work out. This can be awful and feel like a rejection of you personally, which perhaps it is on their part, but that’s on them, not on you.

STEP 2: Is He Taken? He’s cute. He knows your name. You get on, at least on a “we can hold a convo” level. The next question (and this applies to the straights in this situation too): is he single? This, thanks to the blessed technological age of today with social media, can often be relatively straightforward to answer.

Adding acquaintances on Facebook is very easy done; once there, the most obliging of them will have a relationship status or even a dp with their significant other. The absence of these does not, of course, preclude a relationship; in that sense, Facebook

Facebook is more useful for discounting their being taken than confirming they are single.

STEP 3: The Reconnaissance Mission Assuming you’ve confirmed he’s single, now we reach the unique barrier for us dear Queer identifying guys: is the object of your affections interested in dating men? For this question, in most cases, I have found social media a somewhat limited help. Not everyone advertises their sexuality openly: some do, some don’t. Even a photo from Pride is not the giveaway it once was, given the embrace of Queer symbols today by straight allies. Mutual friends are often the best way of finding out: ANU being a small pond, people tend to know people. I propose social media or DM’ing a mutual friend because I prefer to first find out if they are queer, before I tell them I am, or strongly hint that I am. Why?

This is an insurance against things becoming awkward. If they know you’re gay and are asking them directly about their sexuality, they often assume they’re being hit on, especially when it’s someone you don’t know well. Sometimes straight guys are flattered by your interest and you go on to be good friends - I’ve had this happen. Sometimes guys are weirded out and distance themselves - I’ve also had this happen. Basically: why take that chance if you don’t have to?

If you discover they are or probably are also gay, then you should reach out covertly and convey your interest. If they pick up on it, they may decline or reciprocate directly or subtly.

STEP 4: Fly Your Rainbow Flag (metaphorically) At the risk of sounding basic, I often fall back on the cliches. I express interest in Katy Perry. I adore chick flicks. I like margaritas. So non-stereotypical male interests being slipped into the convo is certainly one way to go about it. Or if we’re discussing a film I may say “[insert mate actor] is cute.” Or if relationships come up I’ll refer to my ex as ‘boyfriend’ or use he/him pronouns. It’s a sliding scale in my view; how obvious you feel you need to be to get their attention. Referring to an ex-boyfriend is obviously the most direct way to go about it, but I’ve found this can also be worked into the conversation fairly easily. My unsolicited advice to any and all is just to try and drop it in fairly early if you’re seeing this guy as a crush / potential lover, rather than “let’s see what happens, friends would be fine too, etc.”

All of this is very dependent on your circumstances though. If you’re someone who sees such subtle manoeuvring / informed speculation as a waste of time, or you’re nonplussed by any potential awkwardness, then by all means: ask them straight up (if you’ll pardon the pun). It definitely saves time and really lessens any prospect of miscommunication.

STEP 5: At Least You Know! While there are clearly more barriers for gay people: (Meet -> Like Them -> Single? -> Are They Queer? -> Convey My Interest -> Date?) it’s definitely not insurmountable. The payoff of a fun date, or even a relationship, absolutely makes the somewhat arduous process worthwhile.

Good luck!