The Ursies Pool

Luca Ittimani

Ursies has a pool. They all deny it but I’ve seen it and I’ve swum in it. Here’s what I know.

Two weeks ago I got lost in Ursula Hall. I’d dropped in to see a mate and after a while I needed to use the loo. “Don’t use the ones on my floor,” he warned me. “There’s a sour reek to them.” What a surprise! He took me to another floor and sought out the tidiest toilet. “Just come back to mine when you’re done,” and off he went. Of course, the second I stepped outside the bathroom, I was totally lost.

I shook my head and tried retracing my steps, going up and down with no idea of where I was. I racked my brains trying to recall a landmark I’d passed on my way, anything interesting at all. Was I a floor up? A floor down? To the east wing? The west? I searched for a sign, any indicator, but the faint stale scent of bulk-bought cleaning product was overpowering. Ursies’ lack of character was proving fatal. I swear I walked past the same three light-grey-hoodie-wearing residents about twenty times. My head spinning, I ended up in the laundry and watched the machines whirl their loads round and round. I could’ve collapsed right there. But a vision came to me, of a set of smirking econ majors standing around my unconscious body, stuffing my mouth with dirty socks. Fear coursed through me. I forced open my glazed eyes and stumbled up and out.

At this point, my sense of direction became even worse. I rushed towards the brightest light I could find, desperate to get out of the building. This method led me to first run smack bang into a window, and then into some fuck with a laser pointer, who cackled as he burned out my retinas. Shrieking in fear, I stumbled down the nearest stairs, pushed through a door and slammed it shut behind me. I stood quivering in the dark, sweat dripping down my brow, listening for the optical anarchist. Silence. Or near-complete silence... broken only by the gentle lapping of water.

Water? I turned around and took in for the first time the space that I had entered. Out of the void there emanated a faint turquoise glow, accompanied by the contented hum of a filtration machine. I grasped