The WOW horoscope

August - September 2018

ARIES

This month will be a true fairytale for you! Perhaps not one with a hot prince, an unattainable waistline or woodland creatures doing your housework... but still, good stuff coming.

TAURUS

Need guidance? This magazine can surely guide you. Flip to the page number that is your birth year and read the line numbered the same as your birth month. This line should be your moral compass throughout the year.

GEMINI

Your future financial status relies on you having more Cancers in your life. So, start chatting with every single stranger and befriend those Cancers ASAP!

CANCER

You might come across a needy Gemini pleading to be your friend. The Gemini is probably broke and desperate, so try to be nice.

LEO

You know that cute nickname everyone at work calls you by? Yeah, it’s a not really a nickname—they just don’t remember your real name. The stars suggest you show up at an office party once in a while.

VIRGO

The love of your life is sitting next to you right now. If it’s your spouse—great! You’ll live happily ever after. If it’s a stranger— don’t blow it with a cheesy pickup-line, fake choking and have them save you instead.

LIBRA

You will be the center of attention today and make so many people laugh. About time you crawled out of your shell! Don’t even worry about that toilet paper stuck to your pants, just enjoy all those smiles.

SCORPIO

Some days you simply don’t feel like yourself. This is one of those days. So go read the Leo horoscope and make believe it‘s yours.

SAGITTARIUS

Feel like the underdog these days? The stars know how you feel and unfortunately don’t see anything changing for you anytime soon… but hey, everyone loves dogs!

CAPRICORN

Stay away from toasters.

AQUARIUS

The stars sense a steamy love affair with a co-worker coming up… wait, you’re already married? Hey! The stars do not condone!

PISCES

You will soon realize that the love of your life is actually right there. You knew each other in high school and started dating years later, then broke up while on a break but later had a baby, and now... Oh no wait—sorry, forgot to turn off Friends before getting my star charts. You’re still single.

Disclaimer: This horoscope is total and utter nonsense. Any accuracy, real or imagined, is purely accidental.