1978 v6 special by WPI Archives

"Lord of the Plsn"

GH: The memoirs of George Hazzard ThiS 1S the first and /sst excerpt from "GH: The Memotrs of Goorge Hszzsrd." Th!S excerpt details th11 story of his fs/1 from

power.

In 1969 Bildo Grogo found the Plan in the of Boynton Hall. At the time he had lttle knowledge of the trouble these ten ,_giCBI tablets would cause him and all the Techies in Whoopleland. Several years 111er finding the plan he received a visit tom the Grand Imperial Wizard George, ,._ psychedelic tie man. Georgie tried to ..pain to Bildo that the Plan was !llloactive, but Bildo had grown fond of WI Plan because it gave him great powers ,., an of the scummy little techiet. It was dllr that Bildo wouldn't give up his Plan II)Wef

flliAy.

Georgie had to fool Bildo into destorying .. Plan. So one day Georgie gathentd all • fairies in the land. They included Dean DendY Don Cunillnger, Pammy Wammy

Scarer, Chief Whitless, Edgar Nasalbreath, and Bill Trash Of course, Dr. Karen Colon was there doing a study of the destruction of the Plan. This was perhaps the most vile collection of worms since the meeting when the trustees decided to grub another 300 green stamps oH all the Techies. Most of the fairies wouldn't have shown up if It weren't for the chance to hear Dandy Don explain the intentions of the Student Body Constipation and see Georgie meke smoke rings with his flaming tie. Georgie rose and spoke condescendingly on his lowly cohorts. He had a plan of his own On one fine Spree Day he would detract the attention of Bildo Grogo just long enough to throw the Plan out the second floor window of Mt. Boynton. This was the only way it could be de.troyed. "Hot Daka trash!" cried the fairies. "What a scheme!" said Pammy Wammy. "I can relate to that."

Little d1d thoy know that Chief Whitless was actual! Newspuke Editor·ln·Chief Thomas' English Muffins tn disguise. If Thomas' could get the story out before public relations sent 1t to the Associated Press he might get an AD in yellow journalism. The only problem was that as Chief Whitless he · had an assignment from Georgie. Whitless was to break down every door in Whoopieland to make sure that no tech1es "' re studying on Spree Day. Alas, such is the tough luck of future Pulitzer Prize losers. Edgar Nasalbreath, most loved of all the fairies, blew a puff of smoke into Pammy Wammy's nose and said the Plan would probably be destroyed soon anyways because he wasn't going to give any BandAids to the Techies. This statement was ignored as nonsense because it was obvious from the smile on Pammy Wammy's

lace that Nasalbreath' s tabacco was grown in Columbia · Bill Trash was all in favor ot the scheme. Tho destrucuon of the Plan would save him two hours a day explaining to andustrial recruners that il was not a communlsr plot to sabotage the U.S. educational system. He knew that he could use those two liours well down the Goat's Ass Pub talking to Glenn Bazzooka. Now that Georgie had them all drugged into agree1ng with him, he led them in a sing along. George, Georgie. Porgie, Gave us all a hickey, Nicky, licky, dirty flicky. Techie fairle quite contrary, The trustees made us a bitty kooky.

[Continued to PaQe 4]

Index: e student newspaper Fooled

ya ,

didn 't

Classifieds Editorials Entertainment I FC Corner On Projects

5 4

Sports

6 2 6

SPREE DAY, 1978

we7

Gam granite gratified

Hooligans hack Hazzard's head The aorid tale of the Aji rock has taken

fll another tricl<y tum. In an act unpnlleled In the annell of thif echoot'e long IIMory of pranka, vandals lat night uled h cover of darkneM and an al-nlght f*tY • the Gam's Salisbury Street hideout to IDV8r their lick attempt to m1r the inflmous A~ Rock. A apokeaman for the terrorist-oriented WOUP told this reporter, via anonymous phone cal, that the stone-age cut-upe went tiing a bJow for op,.....ed artilts on the WPI campus. He uld that the group's pat ICtioM have Included gnrffitl on wa.. lwoughout the Worc:eMer area, uling rota. If toilet peper to cr•te modemlltic tree tculpturea, and pelfttfng the Interiors of the Fuhr and Ellsworth Apartment complex• ~ putrid shades of yellow, green, and worst t1 all, purple. When asked to comment on the d.tacing If their popular landmark, a Phi Gamma

Delta t~pokeaman said that the vandals may have jeopardized a plan which wouid have ~t the baeaguered fraternity on a tound financial bue. He said that the hou• had recently acquired ownership of a nearby paint and wallpaper shop. lnsteed of trying to prevent the hued stone from being doueed In latex, as they llad In the pat, Brotherl are now instructed to encourage the midnight artists. The See,..Roebuck Co., Chicago ba.ed catalogue glanta, had been Mgotlating with the fraternity recently In an attempt to feeture the popular atone in one of their teleWion commerciatl. They hid planned to show a car approaching the monallth in darknea, with its llghta out. A door wes to have flown open, and the annOuncer W8l to have intonned, " Sears' Weethefbeeter paint The paint that covered Fi[l Rodtl" as

[Continued to Page 41

Nukes come to WPI lly BIMn I. Sotope At a mid-morning ~ conference yesterday, W . P.I. President George Hazzard announced the planned conllruction of two nuclear power plants on campus. The announcements came aa no IUrprise, as rumors to the effect have been circulating since the early apring. "The day lo day operation costs of the school," said Hazzaro, "have skyrocketed al'ld we felt ltlat we had to take a positive step in an tffort to put a ceiling on the cost of higher education." The lite of the planta will be the three ICre tract now occupied by Higgins Houee. Demolition bids for the structure are now being soliched by the school. Gardner T. Pierce, Plant Services Director, is in IUppon of the site. "We have to make sacrifices sometime," he said. The two Babcock and Wilcox J)fessurized water reactors w~l be supported by an extensive cooling system using water from Salisbury Pond. An Environmental Impact Study is being J)fepared by Prof. Ronald Cheetham of the life Sciences Department. "I have had a lot of experience in this sort of thing. and we lhould have no problems with the E.P.A.," said Cheetham. There is some concern, however, over the fact that the water com~ng out of the system and flowing back f1to the pond, will be 100 to 120 degrees warmer than the pond. The concern is that the fish In the pond might not survive the

rl• il) temperature. A Worcester City Parks Department official was contacted and wet quoted at uying, "Well, if the fllh die, we'H probably fill in the pond with some of th018 big rocks that are around the parte" The two reactors will be called Wilbur· Units 1 & 2, after the famous W .P.I. Nudear Engineering Professor, L C. Wilbur. It was also announced ve-terday, that Prof. Wilbur will step down immediately from his position • HNd of the Nuclear Reactor Facility, and aseume the position of Operations Manager for the two plants. When asked about his nf1tN position, Wilbur commented, " After 20 years at ten Kw, it'll be nice to go a bit higher." Opposition to the plants was quick in coming. Charlie Harak, Director o1 Mass. PIRG on campus. denounced the plants as "unnecessary." "A more viable alternative. would be to cover the entire Quad with mirrors, to collect the sun, and focus the rays on the Wash bum tower. If we replace the Arm and Hammer with a rece1ver, we could convert the rays to electricity. It is not beyond the scope of an MOP either," said Herak. No matter how much opposition PIRG mounts, though. anything threatening the construction o1 the plants will have to come from the student government, as that is where the power is on campus. It is a known fact, though, that the pro-nuke lobby Is quite strong there.

.........

Female ptiiipeTreporred An unidentified source haa told NtJWSpuke that the Peeping Tom Incidents in the Women's room of the campus have been paralleled in the Men's rooms. The Incidents, involving a reportedly beeutlful woman walking into the shower, peering at the men showering, wistfully sighing, then leaving. According to one of the "victims" the incidents were not widely reported becau• "Dammit y'know, we kinde liked h." One victim described the scene: "I waa standin' there, bare ass, y'know, then this really stacked broad, with a hot shit ass walked in on me. Well. ah. I wasn't really expectin' that sorta thing so I umm kinde reacted. This chick sighed and left." The victim later commented that he "was real sorry she left."

• • •

After a similar privacy Invasion, another

man went to the offiCe of Studentl Affai,. (OSA). "Like, I didn't want this tort of thlhg happenln' again. So I told 'em to pUt locks on the doors to make it harder for her to get out." The OSA has not acted on hit suggestion. During en exclueive, unprecedented interview, an OSA official, who wished to remain anonymous. gave the following profile of the woman: "from the descriptions the victims finally gave us we were able to make this - ah put this together. The woman is a junior who commuted in her freshman year, lived on campus last year and currently lives in an off campus apartment with her boyfriend.

(Continued to Page 4)

Guide to Spree day

[Continued from Pa,qe 41 recognized by peculiar fumes bubbling out of the liquid, a distinct Kooi-Aid taste, and a vicious wallo,., 1f consumed. To you hi~ 1 school males trying to pick up older wo-nen: those braless beauties you see sashaying around are probably your female classmates trying to get p1cked up by an older man. Please do not piss on the lawn. We have facilities for that. Go in Damels Ha)l, take a

nght and then another right. Use the door marked "Student Affairs." If you see a figure in a white. robe preaching doom while riding dilda•nfully throughout the mob on a moped. you ar~ not seeing things. It's only Livinstone Abah. Have a good lime end please don't start any fights We have several high power precision lasers from the Ph'(SICS Depart· ment mounted on Harrington to pick off offenders.

Page 2

Spree Day, 1978

(Editorial~ J

£******\N';*q~ii*******

weIre f0 r It!

~ Tow~~0~e\~~bi~~~ce;t~:ff

and editorial . . , . . ~ board of the WPI Newspeak Association, I thmk 1t s h1gh t1me we told Y9U what we really feel about WPI and w 1th this notice. resign. Effective imthe Social Fee increase. You see, well.. •. what the hell, we might as well mediately, Needless to say, it will be tell you . We lied. We want the social committee to have their increase. ~ pointless to have. wri~rs· meetings in the There are a couple of minor provisos of course but with some short ""r' future. Also, edrtors meetings may be boring, too. In any event, who cares? What pam less changes the proposal should be satisfactory to all. we're tryrngtto say is simply this: NewsptNJk First of all, we've noted that our budget is dismally too small. For a modest $10,000 increase, we'll be able to attend the next CPS conterence at the Tok~o Hilton . Si~ce the Social Committee will be there ~I anyway for the nat1onal entertainment conference, we can save a few ~ bucks and tag along in under the seats of the luggage area of their first i( Fuel< You !om, class compartment. Either that, or we'll go as Bernie Brown's ~~r havmg notthought much about ~Y eyeglasses•.• we can't decide which. ~ position on y~r ~g, 1 h~ve dec_lded ~0 skiP . • . . • . town. My positiOn IS not m keeptng wtth my Secondly, smce we are tn favor of both dtverse soctal acttvtty and goals to stop nudear power proliferation charitable causes, we suggest killing two birds with one stone. A i( ttnd to become a nnllionaire before my 20th contribution to the West Street Red Light Association, c-o Becker 'irthday. Junior College, would serve both purposes. In addition, a matching i( grant to the WPI VD clinic is in order (see ad, page 19). i( Third, free beer must be provided to the Newspuke staff for ~ supporting the increase. This is only fair, as we deserve something to ~tIll counteract all the vomiting this is causing us. Tom So, John Goodwin, here's what you and the social committee have H~tlo••.Hetlo..• long-awaited - Newspuke's support for one of your (or should we say, i( . This is to in!orm you (and anyone who Bernie's) plans (call it what you like). So, take it in the spirit intended. H i ~ !Nda your matll !hat I no longer consider H0 1 """ myself Photo Edttor of NewspfJIJk. I find hat this position is not in keeping with my M ;JOBI of steeping until dinnertime on ~ Sunday. You know, I have better things to do with my time than hang around in dark ~ rooms and see what develops. Anyway, I ~ think the paper has slipped a lot since Bill

' .'

veWS- 1ea

sucks (does the Titanic need Hfeboata?l. We're all defecting to a school where the pub opens at 9:00 a.m. and the seats near the bar are reaerved for the paper staff. Maybe thete we can publlah a reel newspaper without worrying about being responsible to ourselves. You know. like " Hi Ho". Please forward our mail.

tures

lad

will

1 start~~~v~S:Yshe::tocom:W:: your crap. 1 don't think that 1 will evtf be able to print the aucl<y shit that you print. trut my staff will be much happier as 1 vid hem . h • ed can ~roGo ~~- Wit un11mtt ora1sex. HIHo Happy Orgasms, Kenneth J. Mandll•

OJ,.O +0 l ·l

H £Graphics ~Dear

Tom, I have given a lot of thought to what I am olng to say now, and I have the unortunate task of informing you that I am resigning ~s Graphics Editor. effective

~ )> . t4dvertising i( Somebody(?) likes us To the Editor: I am writing to you to thank you for publishing your fine newspaper. Even though I live miles from Worcester, I find that your paper gives me more news of the world than the Boston daily papers (The Globe and The Herald). Your excellent staff of writers clearly tells the complex and

changing story of a world going mad. Your insightful and well wrought editorials give new view points and new light to the news. Your creative graphics are delightful to the eye, although recently under your new graphic editor. less so. In short, I love the Worcester Telegra •.. m ... This isn't the Telegram?

Neve• m;nd.

Emily LaTella

i 'oear tom, after much thought and thinking and ~drinking i must say thet i regret to inform ~ you that i amd resignating the position of iCJdvertising mangaer ,i t IS indeeed UI)M fortunate i know but i have little choice. tht~ ~I s effective imediately also J lost the i( casslneas insertion oders for thsi and the i (coming weels so maybe lg you just call th-

Editor In grief Thomas' English muffins Mews-feature edttor Stoner advertising manager Slgllnda Stetnfuller business manager D11vid Lloyd ClrCUtlftOn man11get Larry Rheault

staff Wllll;tm R41ndolptl He01rst Carl Bernstein Bob Woodward Roger Perry Jack Anderaon Ann Landers Ansel Adams Don Kawala Phil Tczapla Steve T Kmiotech J11my Somers SAFA

photography editor Felix Unger pornographies editor Larry F!lnt Sports editor Oscar Madison Associate Editors Roar J . Conman Vlck Cratgtry faculty advisor Professor Punt

•

keep them manageable. Offices art

any random table In the pub, but preferably one near the Dart Board Prinrlng done by Crayons. Second class po-stage not paid If we can help 11. Subscnplion rale - not really worth ilbelteve me Make checks payable to Cash.

immediately. I am joining the list of other Graphic Editors who also let the job get to them. So long until tomorrow•....•.•.... Thomas A. Polito

me they cna till you what to rum, 1 think we have mots of r the copys somewheer ford this weeekd anyyay...so a my key should bed In the deskskkkk take care of my angles mark the ditryb ad mgr. PS HIHO has secretarys thta gibe good head and t at fits iri whti my goals for the futer,unlile the thisg here.

• Sir: M Lately, it has been brought to my at· ~ tention that you claim to be editor· in·chief • of Newspeelc. While it may be true that you ~ forced that bogus December election, let """ me call your attent ion to the Nuewspuk ~ constitution, section Ill, A, 1, a, which ~ states vaguely in part: "The editor·in·chief ~ shall have total dictatorial power over all ~ facets of the newspaper." The way I see it, ~ the amendment which got you "elected" ~ was unconstitutional in part, thus removing ~ you to your former level of office • messenger. I hereby accept your • resignation, turkey.

: No.2 ~

•• i(

Dear Tom, Considering that the ERA has been In effect for some time now, I think that it is quite obvious this paper is being run by a tyranical male chauvanist piglllll Being one of the two (two and a half if you count Maureen Hlqqin!Jl f~male staff members, I

: · No.3 ~ ~

Newspuke of worchester Politech. once the Tech News -but those days are best forgotten. has been published whenever enough of lhe !latl has been our of Iail or the methedone climes. The cclllonal opintOM are pure bull Shit and the staff who really runs thtS n ag lets those dumm•es write what they want to

Bye for now...... Mart( Heck• P.S. Please write a chedt to me fOf $1843.87 to reimburse me for round trip aif fare to T ok'{o and to get my camera fixed. P.P.S. I forgot to get receipts. Sorry.

£Associate

------------------------CI~ --of_·~-.:i__ L_t

Grogan was managing editor and the '-t you could do to spice things up is g1t SAFA to be sportS editor. (We could cover sports you never even heard of).

•

.M ~

Tom,

I have worked and slaved an this paper for 3 years and for whart7 I never got any appreciation, never any respect. no respect at all, and never a raise In the 3 years of f81thful servica I have given. noboddy apprec•ates the great typing JOb I do either. Well, almost nobody. Hi Ho appreciates me. they offeresd me $1 ,ooo more and a

If you have any queltlons, give thtfn to Tina Tuttle, who will be driving the other SAB vehicle to join me at the Miami Project Center. I already have the credit cards and the checkbook, so don't bother looking, Jack. I would advise you to convert to christianity and buy a bullet-proof vest. I know this great town in Georgia where you can get started. Hi ho, I am the editor, and I love you, too, Peter, Sincerely (ifyoucanbelievethatl Rory J . O'Connor Editor· in-Chief

think I speak for all of us in saying that we are not being treated equallylllll My only course of action is to resign immediatlely. I hope you enjoy running an all MALE paper• Sincerely, Ann Marie Robinson

secretary that sits on my lap and takres~· dictation and gives great head,. and an office in the comer of the builidmng and a copy editor that sings my wild Irish rose wrth a drunken leer. So take newspe11k ands S'.ick it where the sun never shines. Witgh utmost sincerulty, Craig S. Vickery

Spree Day, 1978

Pa e 3

For the past year, WPI stargazers have . reported numerous alghtings of a strange unidentified object wandering in Tech airspace. Eyewitneeaes reported that the object was dull sliver in color, not cigar shaped, but rather like an oblong box rounded at ihe ends. At night. they said, two search beams glowed menacingly from the anterior portion of the vehicle. The UFO a*> emitted strange mechanical noises, which one scared freshman deecribed as " a strange whirring toUnd," and another described aa "a noise similar to that made by an ancient Chevy in-line six." One petrified student reported that the UFO followed her car one night for several blocks, nearly forcing her off the road. In her fright, she only remembered one detail fo the strange craft. She recalled seeing strange red markings on the spacecraft through her rear view mirror that looked like: CJtner ooservers have seen strange creatures depart from the UFO. They were described as being approximately humanoid in form, about 5 ~ feet tall, with 路 appendage-like protrusions attached to their upper torso. Their bodies appeared to be sheathes from top to bottom in a gaudy blue fabric, resembling some rudimentary type of uniform. From all accounts it seems that one of the creatures usually is carrying a dangling chain of metallic objects in its right appendage. It uses the objects to try to enter

locked WPI buildings, though it is rarely successful. Sightings of the. UFO and the strange visitors have Intensified In recent weeks. One was seen recently during broad daylight inspecting parked cars on the quad. After this alien finished atodying a particular car, he would put a yellow piece' of paper-like fabric underneath the car's windshield wiper. At first it was thought that the creature did this to mark the car for later retrieval by their spacecraft, but now It

appears that the space-being uses the yellow slips as trail markers, so that he can find his way back to home base. Pairs of the aliens have been seen roaming through the wedge late at night. Some of the gweeps who inhabit the Daniels lounge computer terminals have been frightened on numerous occasions during the wee hours of the morning. A number of the gweeps have banded together and plan to see if they can capture an alien by wrapping him in computer dump. An unreliable aource has told Newsweek this week that he believes the creatures are trying to take over WPI. He believes that they have already infiltrated the area and have taken over campus security In Stratton. Numerous cans to security by this reporter seem to confirm this rumor, .Jince fiWirV call hll ....,.... In ., unk'l~

response to even the most simple questions. Our uniformed aource also feers that the aliens have Infiltrated the very ranks of the faculty. Any student who finda that his profeseor is exhibiting strange hehavior is urged to contact Newspukfl.

In spite of all these reports, many questions still remain. Are these creatures intelligent? What are they doing here? What is the Plan? All we can do is walt patiently, try to calm our fears and lock our doors at night. In the meantime, a UFO command post has been set up behind the bar In the Goat's Head Pub. Informants who wish to pass secret information should sit on the third bar stool from the cash register and say the secret passwords: "I want a Schlitz lite" three times to the bartender, before he t.U. hia atory.

..... ..

' Rory O'Connor, tonMr tMIIIW tn cNef of NEWSPUKE, taUy was shot by a phasor set on kill, while he was re-enacting his famous triumph of the FIGI rock. The phasor, fired by an unnamed member of the Gam was recently developed by a research and development committee consisting of anyone O'Connor had written an editorial about during his long and fiery career. The committee held its meetings in Kinnicutt Hall but moved them to Harrington when it became obvious that there were many prospective committee members.

Pege 4

Spree Day,

Memoirs

• • •

[Continued from Psge

. . . Female peeper (Continued from Page

eyes. I don't want WPIC to find out about my upcoming new adventure Mries, " Tteman." Chief Whitlesa ot?eved and closed his eyes just as Georgia's tie shot out a flash of psychedelic light into Bildo Grogo'a eyes. The stunned Bildo fell to the floor. Chief 'Nhitless and Georgie grabbed the Plan and took off for Mt. Boynton. Little did they know that a wizard had been summoned by the trustees to investigate Spree Day. This wizard knew all and saw aU and hi$ name was Cap'n Crunch. The Cap'n heard Bildo fall all the way from lthica so he rushed to Whoopleland to preserve, protect. and defend the wonhlea

Plan. flam, bis-boom-bam, We made this school a sham And greased our hair with Pam. Cam. Dam.. lamb, Gam, and yam. Now Bildo can stow it, for this techle is no poet. Two months later it was time to put the acheme Into effect. Dandy Don and Bernie the Clown made sure that Spree Day was let for a date when the National Science Foundation wes in Whoopleland. This way the NSF could ' " how Interested the techlea ~ in IOP't dealing with the drug end elcohol problem on campus. While Dandy and the Clown were taking C8rt of the Techles, Chief Whlttell and Georgie were taking care of Blldo Grogo ~ the Plan. Whltleu shot down the door tD llldo'a office and arreeted the dOOf'lcnob for meklng •xual edvanc. In the deydme. Georvie ran Into the office and, to hit eutpriee, found that Blldo wee not on the .-d getting hlgh, but rather In hit office palilhing his Plan. "What now Georgie", Inquired the Chief. "I know," uld Georgie. "Cioee your

~n.

Jutt as the tablett 'Mite being thrown from Mt. Boynton Cap'n Crunch threw a coupje hundred poondt of Froult l.oopt onto the lawn below. thua saving the Plen from del'truction. He then took Georgie'a tie from him end pie it to Boring Ao.y to serve for lunch In the Organ Dining HeM. He then turned Georgie Into a panay• For hit heroic fe1et, Cap'n Crunch wee made PNiident of ~nd and ell the ..techiea got drunk and high hllpply .v. after. •

To aM of you high echool ttudents cutting c1eatea 10 you could oome up heN end get waated: Pleaee don't think that college life ia like this all the time. Molt of the time we do it indOOf'L We would appreciate it If you did not get so drunk 'hat you paa out. It mekee the quad to much herder to clean up. Betidee, you might end up aa an experiment in our Life Sciences Department. We have alto heard some ugly rumora that the U. Mass. Med School Is on campua recruiting "d!lfS ~

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• • •

thwarted by her very who WOUld like to apprehend her themlelvea. Nettt. . . has had much luck and the lnddema continue. Meerwwhle, _,.,al apons teema hew lndic:a1ed their wltlmgn.. to be peeped.

4 ~ years' agO ii1 W~t Wtr~ Ntuisl

.• t

......, ,..

);

Earle Dam propose byNNIWrong The WPI .Campus Wetting Committee last night unveiled a propoul to flood W• Street in their ettempt to find a workable solution to the problem of Improving the campus environment. The propoaal calla for the now uaeleee Earle lJridge to be converted into the "Earle Dam" as part of a Civil Engineering MOP, with poesibilities of expanding "Bolts Pond" Into a moat around Boynton Hall in the event of another tuition increase. Planning director Gardner Fteree pointed out the advantages of WPI's own waterway. The Crew Teem would no longer be forced to waste gas by travelling to Oulnsigamond, and the hockey teem would have home ice. Facilitiet for 'he swim team and swimming recreation could

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normal." OSA efforts to apprehend her are being

"TheN we hew the ;t,m of tw·w..~r:

with a friend. Plfttapa .ame of you should stick to sniffing the bottle caps. If someone tries to Mil you tome grase, be sure to check thet It ian't a beg of lawn clippings. Under no circumstances should you sample a beverage called "Cruaberg Punch." This highly dangeroua drug can be

[Continued to Page

from her roommate. She's a sick woman,

we want to find her and counsel her back to

the hlatoricef equating of men and showers and that total leek of reeponae lhe gets

cadewrs, and they are not too chooeey ae to whether they are ~HI b,.thlng. If you start to feel dizzy end llg~helded ' halfway through a bottle of beer, eplt it

A~Udffor

She has a domineering mother and a weak masochistic father, a homosexual, traovestite brother and a sister In a nunnery. She likes Allan Ginsberg poetry and can recite "Howl" from memory. Now. the interesting part, the reasons for her abnormal, anti-social sexual behavior. We feel that there are two classes of reasons: her infantile texual history and her current sexual awareness. We think that her repressed oeC:IIpal complex manifested itself by flushing the downstaira toilet while her father was showering uJ*Sirs. Thia appeaaed her desiret by grabbing the handle with ita obvious sexual symbolism end her hnher en.IO'P,d It In hit maeochlstic way. "The current •xual ewarene. entera In, becauae we feel, In an aetute deduction thet I muat claim credit fOr, her boyfriend, with Whom she-~~ tota~ i~t."

Highschooler's guide by Vegue Crlcktlry

1978

be expanded, and eewerage problema could be enormously simplified for Olin. Salisbury, the Project Center, Higglna, Stratton, Alden and, most important of ell, Boynton. Future plans see Goddard Hen and Atwater Kent being incorporated Into a hypothetical "Gurglln' Dam" (to be named after a WPI deen) to allow the extention of Bolts Pond to Salisbury Street. Mr. F~~ree also hlntedthetWPI'sown waterway could be incorporated as a water hazard into the propoaed par three goff courM on the lite of the old quadrangle. The Wetting Committee's propoeal wl be presented to the Worcetter City Counc:l in the Pub next week, and, if approved, WI be reviewed by the Coast Guard sometimt next summer.

· Security's· big bust Tech Security yesterday culminated fourteen weeks of investigation with the arrest of nine W .P.I. freshmen involved In sale and transportation of illegal drugs. A group of six officers burst Into a room In Daniels Hell guns blazing and arrested the nine occupants. The only injury was to officer Norman Angry, who suffered severe bums from a blank shell exploding while he

looked into the barrel of his gun. Confiscated during the bust were three cartons of Marlboro's, 14 packs of matches. one package of papers and massive numbers of aspirin and decongestant marked for distribution elsewhere. Chief Whltless praised the crew and said they should each get at least two-thirds a

unit in proiect a.dit for their work.

Hooligans

I Continued from Page 24) a masked figure threw a gallon of their best puce over the landmark. Now. with the rock defaced as it is, Gammltes fear that they might as well kiss the deal goodbye. One disgruntled brother was heard to comment, "Who'd want to patnt that thing now? I tell you, it's the

worst excuse for a human head I've ever seen!" A nearby pigeon agreed with the assessment To make up for the Sears deal, it has been reported that the Fiji faithful are currently trying to get a local potato chip company to feature their other mascot, the world renowned Owl, on its packages. When asked to comment on his immtnent rise to stardom, the Owl was quoted as declarins:t. "Frankly, I don't give a hoot."

SPREE DA11S

COMIIIO? •

· year 's commencement speaker. He will receive sn This is th1s 1J1ltl1l'lr1l1l'lrV1l~'lr~S1l1f81nl1l1l1ltl'lrR'Il1ltl1l'lthonorary ME Degree.

Page 6

:,.u. ) ,. )

•

- ~-

llo You Suffer

• • •

Do you suffer from anv. of the foil wing sv.mptoms'l

-Sore, red, swollen palms. •

" ~ -Blushing when friends remar~s or conversations pass wer your head. -Boredom on dates. -Scally, crusty spots on thighs or sheets. If so, then you are probably troubled by the SEND TO: Frederick's of Tiajuana Virginity Removal Department 69 Coitus Circle Tiajuana, Mexico

If you are one of the thousands who have suffered for yt~rs with this private affliction, this messa~e Is for you. The miracle of modern medical science has come to your rescue! Thanks to a recent exciting breakthrough (and Supreme Court ruling), we are able to offer you, the led virgin, confidential treatment in the privacy of own home or apartment. Those nosey doctors, prying .-ents, courious friends and suspicious health services 8!d never know that you suffered from this embarrassing disorder. Just fill out the card below and within days, we will ship you (In a plain brown wrapper, of course) your own personal Ll VE, virginity counselor to insure complete mnfldentiality, and prevent embarrassing blackmail, our counselors speak no English, but come complete with a fully Illustrated instruction book and sign-language manual. Our Yk'ginity counselors, furnished in the sex of your choice, are highly trained professionals with years of experience in the delicate art of virginity removal. ..... It within five nights your virginity has r~ot been painlessly and completely removed, just return the counllor and your money will be cheerfully refunded. You may lep the book as our gift. If, like many others, you are lltisfied with the basic virginity removal course, but desire lllmething more, the following advanced courses are IYailable at slight additional cost. "How To Hold An Obscene Conversation." Including phone calls and techniques for heavy breathing. "Around The World In 80 Ways." The thrills of oral excitement and vibrators. ''Advanced Two-Person Positions." Requires doctor's permission. "Kinky Fun ." For advanced students only . Includes S-M, B&O, ACDC, orgies and basic perversions. (Discounts available on our own line of exciting accessories} So don,t delay, write today and be on your way to a happy, healthy, satisfied life without the embarrassment and discomfort of chronic virginity. Remember, our service ~guaranteed 100 percent safe, confidential and satisfying or your money back!

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Pages

What can one say? What can one uy about Maureen Higgins? Being the entertainment writer for NIIWS/HMic, lhe geta around. Many of of you are probably wondering what it is like to be the entertainment writer for a b~ college newapeper like NftV$/)1111/c. II it all ~r. going to con~ and play87 There II a lot of fun time, aaid M aureen, "but. it ia allo a lot of work." When there is

Plays make up another part of Maureen's

beat. She covers both the production• of the Humanitlea Department and the Masque. "I like covering playa. It 11 a change of pace," Maureen aid. What happens during the dry apelll that inevitably hit the campus? "Well, then 1 try to cover 80me moviea or review a record or something." '

(~ntertainment) ~ btgfcoocert coml~ up at W PI,

lhe ~a ot o work to do. 'You have to wnte a preview story first~ and that means reaea!ching and fending.. background ~a~enal on the group. There are dMdends, as she geta Into aN the concerts free. The paper also pays for dinner, and a night on the town later.

All in all, it aeema that Maureen Higgins leads quite an exciting life. How doee ahe sum it all up7 "It's something that you have to want to do." That's what one can say ab out M aureen Higgins. newspeak maryann 9u 52() story 1 page 6

Art Museum news:

Porno pots on display The ceramic works of Ralph Chno l18l01822) are unqueationably the finest produced in America during the early 19th century. In hia oeuvre are several of the most graceful pure white ashtrays and coffee mugs and, of coutM, his well known teries of shaving muga, which in his lifetime were seldom uaed becauae the opening measured a frag~e inch and a half at a time when all shaving brushes were two inches diameter. Chno is, however, most famous for the chamber pots that he produced before his tragic death at age twenty· two. In 1901, eccompanied by wide silence on the part of the Worcester Art Muaeum, Editha Chno. his grandniece and only surviving relative donated Chno'a only pornographic pot to the Mueeum when someone told her

exactly what the partially reclining male, fernale, and animal figures were doing. Miss Chno, at the time a 54 year old spinstress was entirely shocked by this revelation about the pot which had been prominently displayed in her home. Her lawyer quietly donated the pot while Miss Chno was convalescing. Authorities cite this pot as the flneat representation of interapecles intercourse ever produced on this side of the Atlantic. Noted pornography expert Rory J. O'Connor calls It "an erotic masterpiece of the first order, especially tor the precise detail in the animal genitalia." The pot will be on display June thirty· first from 11:30 p.m ..until midnight. Parents must accompany children under thirty.

•

LOILIID PHARIICY 104 LOWLAND STREET

WORCESTER. MASS.

PillE lll-1114

Dear Pammyi

10%

on moat drug store needs with WPI 1.0.

Gweeper sex test Dear Roaders, Many people have aaked me, what is a normal relationship for a techie to have with The DEC-10. I can only aay to them, each techie is different and there for will have a different relationship with the TEN. There are some common aenee guides, however, that will keep such a relationahlp healthy and normal. To aee if your relationship is normal, take this test. For each question that you answer 'yes' to, give yourself the Indicated score. The scoring guide is at the end. Ready? Here it is: Have Vou: Ever logged on7 2 Ever used an editing language? 2 Ever been logged on more than one terminal at a given time? 2 Ever said that you love a computer language? I higher level 2, machine 3) Ever said that you love more than one language in a week7 4 Ever removed part of your clothing while working at a terminal? 4 Ever used a terminal to make the system go down? 2 Ever pulled an aJI-nighter with a terminal?

Ever done so with out ever logging out71 Ever written a program for .anott.r system? 8 Ever woken up in the morning with 1 herd copy? 9 ~ Ever WACCC off7 10 Ever tried a programmable calculator? 1 Do you uae ont regularty7 3 Ever tried a programmable calculator with continuous memory? 6 Ever used a programmable with 1 printer? 8 Ever used a micro processor? 7 Ever built one7 8 Ever successfully crashed the system? Ever wake up and not been able to remember when you logged in? 7 Ever buy a DEC tape? 8 Ever entered a programming conteatll SCORING GUIOE: 7 or under, Candidate for Life Sclencl major. 8 to 18, Normal and Decant. 17 to 30, taking up serious disk IPIC& 31 to 40, a.True Gweep. 41 or over, Eithar you are a complete or a CS major I really the same thing).

F--k as a Word Perhaps one of the most interesting and useful words in the English language today is the word "fuck." It Is the one magical word; just by its sound one can describe pain, pleasure, hate, and love. "Fuck" ia an old word, derived frorn the German "friken" which means "to strike." In modern EngHsh, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can ba uaed as a verb, both transitive (Henry tucked Mary), anti intransitive I Mary tucks); as an adverb I Mary is fucking-well interested in Henry); and as a noun (Mary is a fine fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary was tucked out). In fact, there are probably no other words with the versality of FUCK. Besides the sexual meaning, tuck can be used in the following connections: Faud... l got tucked at the used car lot. lgnorance... Fucked if I know.

Trouble... ! guess I'm tucked now. Aggreaslon... Fuck you. Dlfficulty •.. l can't understand fucking mesa. Displeasure...What the tuck is going on here? lncompetenct ... He's a tuck-off. Suspicion ... Ar~ you fucking ma7 Enjoyment. . Have a fucking good m.. Request .. Will you get the fuck cww. here? Hostilicy... l'm going to knock fucking head off. I know you can think of many mote, with all these uses, how can anyone offended when you say fuck7 Actually, can pro~bly use this unique word ,.._ often in your daily speech. It adds to yaw prestige. Say it loud and clear.... Fuck Y011.

10 REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD NOT ATTEND SUMMER SCHOOL AT WPI 1) Worcester is a pit. If you think it is bad now, you should see it in the summer. 2) It costs you money. (Money that you are not making by not working) 3) Professors have all bolted for vacation. (Grad students, ugh) 4) Stoddard is the dorm with the smallest rooms. 5) Lots of high school kids running around from the sports taiilps. 6) Becker Junior College is not in session. 7) Pub has limited fioius•

8) Classrooms are not air conditioned. 9) No fraternity parties. 10) No NEWSPEAK to bring you news and information!!!!!

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Page 7

Frisbee T earn Goes Varsity In his last official act before retiring, Athletic Director Bob Pritchard announced that the Frisbee Team will be a varsity sPort next season. 'We've been thinking along these lines for some time now, and the time just seemed appropriate," said Pritchard.

The

decislofl

came

after

rec-

commendation by the Athletic Council earlier this year. This year the teem played under the Club status and was quite

successful. The budget for the team was also announced. It will be $16,000. The maj()f part of tt"!e expense will be incurred in

the consll'uction of a new playing field. The field will be built behind the Gordon Ubrary, in the place currently occupied by the lower parking lot . Only some of the cars will be removed, leaving obstacles. This will make the field limilar to the Quad, which ia where the team currently practices and ecrim路 mages. Most students are In favor of the move to make the team varsity. It will be more in keeping with the philotophy of the plan, in that more students will be able to " do their own thing."

Baseball low lights Well what can you say7 You tell the world that you will win a lot of games, then you play teams that 路are truly better than you and you lose. The disappointment doee not end with the fan. The team is down after lossee to Assumption and Coast Guard. These two teams beat WPI in tough to take ballgames last week. The boys are ready to boonce back and give 100 percent in games against Suffolk and MIT this

week.-

Bright spots of the past week were a home run by Dan "STATS" Durbak and a fine display of hitting by the Freshman

Flame ITim Shea for those of you who don't know this wild and devlahly hand; some young man). Dan hit the ball a ton for, a three run home run against Coast Guard that brought the team close. FF (Freshman

flame) was four for six with a triple and a dOuble. "COB" Web Grouten had a fine showing in his first SUirt for the Engineers. In intereating sidelights, Tony Fernandez is teaching Dennis Wyaokl the true talents of being a GAM. Deonla Is Improving on being dull and the wearing of purple. Scott Farrell's chin strap Ia holding his head on well. Gary Sowyrda'a eers ate bumlng from the hecklers in the crowd that teem to gravitate to the calm cool colected eenior. Dave BuSh's mouth ...,. to get bigger fNery day. Tom McBride Ia thinking about that one. And last, but not least, the Big "P" (Manager Prlcllla Young) Is doing a fine job in the upper atmosphere. The teem is out there c~Qtng their bMt and we look forward to winning a ffiW more

ballgames.

0-======)

--路---,---+

- ( ) ' ( ) ----1 .

_..A:J--~~~

Spree Day, 1978; Verona, NtJ.

OXYMORON ENTERPRISES announced today it is marketin& "eHYDRATED WATER. The

product comes in a paper packa&e with easy instructions on how to add water to DEHYDRATED WATER to produce water. The company also announced a booklet "The Complete Book of Dehydrated Water (More Than You Ever Wanted To Know)" by 'Hy N. Dri. The new product carries a warning label that reads: "WHNING: THE SURGEON GENERAL MAY DETERMINE THAT THIS PRODUCT IS A PUT ON." The booklet and three packages of Dehydrated Water are available for '1.99 plus 50' for posta&e and handling, with NJ residents required to add 10' sales tax.

lassi eds

Write to OXYMORON ENTERPRISES, PO BOX No. 200, Verona, NJ 07044.

WhatS Not Happening Tuesday - Physia Colloqlia•, "Aicoltol A11illilltill il lllltill II till .._. • au till a..c11• tensor." 4 p.m., Pllpia lladi1e sllop.

- Women's Hardball 11. Boston led Sa, 7:10 P·•·· F••IJ Pall. Spectram Speaker Seri•, "Com•unicatill With Ute .,..," Ceaerallli•o Fra~eisco franco, 7:30 p.m., Skull To•b. Weclnesclay - CheMistry ColloquiuM, "Sy1tllesis of TetrHthJI-1, 13, 14, Ilia, •IIIIJI-blarMutl

hi1h octane stuff frill alphabet SMp." 4 p.•. dMp 11 a -~~~ lallorltlly. - Beastie nipt at the Pub, 1:31 P·•· Thursclay

._e

- ASIIE n. IEEE, 4 p.•. - SPS n. ASCE, away - False almn, Daniels 3:00 a.m., aflmissiol free. Frlclay - Special DAllA dinner, Roat Lon1 Pi1 or Shepard's Pie.

- Newspeak appNCiltiol nipt caiCIIIH. - Spree Day Wllklld c.art, IIHIJ JMI .,..ill for E•e11111, La~, 11_. Pll•er, Harrintton, 7:30 p.•. 14•issiell free •

•

Saturclay - Auto race ar111d the Qlad. • Suntlay

- Uthts and Lens llolie "Star Wars" $1.10, free H, . ••r 1 •

Ald11 H'll

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ustl•e.

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