Strauss releases plans for Alden Hall remodeling by Ann R. Key WPI President Jon Strauss announced last week that plans for the rem odeling o f Alden M em orial Hall are finally com plete. A fter years o f debate, months o f scholarly review, and minutes of intense decisionm aking. Presi dent Strauss has finally released the proposed changes. The new plans, draw n up by S trauss’ per sonal architect, I. M. W ang, propose to convert Alden Hall into, according to Strauss, “ ..A glorious recreation room /playpen for W P I's overw orked and underpaid adm inistrative staff, m yself included o f course.” A lden's main auditorium would be com pletely over hauled and turned into a ballroom “ ..based upon the glorious style of those wonderful A ustrians,” said Strauss. The stage would be tom out. and, in its place, a gaudily decorated band pit would be built. The ro o m 's oak floors w ould be removed and replaced with pink m arble slabs “ from Italy’s finest quarries.”
The wood w alls would also be reconstructed using cherry “..from only the most virginal o f forests in W ashington State.” Also, Strauss was decidedly excited about the marble pillars which are to be erected in the main “ ballroon.” “ In the style o f the noble Romans," Strauss squealed, “the colum ns will boast Doric capi tals!” The ballroom project, designated Phase I, could be com pleted as early as the sum m er of 1989. "It all depends how soon the guys at T iffany’s can finish the chandeliers and stained glass w indow s,” Strauss argued. According to Phase II of the proposal, the offices on the first and second floors will be tom out and replaced with recreation equip ment. An “ Upper-level A dm inistrator's Staff O N L Y ” Nautilius room will be built in the area behind the stage. O ther am enities will include three hot tubs, two saunas, and one steam bath. Said Strauss, “ We are also looking into the feasability o f placing a faculty pool in there som eplace, too. W herever it fits, you know? 1
m ean, do you expect me to swim laps in that sew age pit w e’ve got over in the A lumni Gym? T h ere’s no way in hell! Ha ha ha!” Remaining second floor offices will be converted into an “ E xecutive’s C lub,” a luxury to be used only by priveleged m em bers of the faculty. “W e want it to be a nice, clean place - keep those ME guys out, if you know what I m ean.” The Club will boast a marble and goldtrim bar (fully stocked), several bartenders (” I ’d hate to keep people waiting on their lunch hours,” Strauss com m ented) luxurious leather sofas, brass-rim m ed tables, and other fine accoutrem ents, “ plus,” said Strauss, “ we plan on having a stripper there on Tuesday nights. W e ’ve already asked some o f the secretaries down in H um anities if they would volunteer.’’ Strauss also announced that plans are being discussed to “do som ething about that Higgin s House thing. I mean, all it does is sit there!” U nder this proposal (Phase 111, according to Strauss) the building would be renamed
Strauss House, and he and his family would move into it. “O f course, we would like to do some rem odeling,” he said. “ I really miss the Spanish style of my old place in C alifornia, so I im agine w e’ll probably put stucco over the whole thing.” Still, safety is, for the President, a main concern: “ I see students walking on that lawn all the time. Once I move in, the barbed wire and guard towers are going up. I d o n ’t want any dum pster kids who work at DAKA to mess up my lawn for G o d 's sakes!” This proposal may be reality by early 1990. Finally, Strauss com m ented on Phase IV. “ During this phase,” he said, “ WPI would be converted into a sort of Yuppie amusem ent park - A Disneyland for adults. Plus, I would be named king o f WPI and would have total control over everyone here. G osh, but 1 love Disney Cards,” he concludcd. President Strauss hopes that Phase IV will reach completion by the Spring of 1992.
All The News That Fits We Print” The Stupid Newspaper of Woostah Pyrotechnic Institution ^ Volume: Chock Full o’ Nuts___________A p ril Fool’s Day, 1988_________
Dumpster kids revolt against DAKA by Len Inn Last week DAKA found itself confronted by a unique and unusual problem as its entire lunchtim e and weekend staff declared a gen eral strike. This portion o f the staff, aged 9 through 13, is popularly referred to by WPI stu d e n ts as “ those ille g a l, u n d er-a g e d dum pster kids.” T heir spokeskid, Speedy G onzalez, age 11, w as a most vocal representative: “ In the past, DAK A has ruled over us with an iron fist.
W hatever the supervisor says goes. Now is the tim e for o u r proletariat kitchen-w orking m asses to toss off our shackles--ef-m ashed potatoes and overcoooked brocolli.” In a press conference held early in the w eek, G onzalez set forth his group’s tw o pri mary com plaints. “First off,” he argued, “our supervisors force us to work from 11 to 3. That m eans we m iss prime cartoon-w atching hours. By depriving us of our Fred Flinstone, George Jetson, and Bugs Bunny. O ur Bourgeosie over lords are stifling our creativity and im agina-
WPI loses out to Academy by Jock Itchy Special Correspondent Playboy’s Hugh H efner announced earlier this week that Playboy photographers were not going to do their photo expose entitled “The G irls of WPI (Both o f T hem )” which was to appear in the June issue o f this popular m en ’s m agazine. M oments afterw ard, H efner announced that in place o f “The G irls o f W PI” Playboy photographers are going to prepare “The Girls
o f the Navel A cadem y” . This stunning new s upset many people in the W PI com m unity. It upset mostly perverted WPI guys w ho were really excited about seeing their favorite girls nude in an issue o f Playboy. A DAKA official said that this news was dis tressing. He said, “ W e were planning for a big rush with all the cam era crew s here so we m ade some extra burgers and for dessert the ever popular squash mousse. A nother senior d id n ’t care that W PI women w eren’t going to be featured in Playboy. He explained, “ My sister goes to the Navel A cadem y.”
tion. For this, they must suffer.” G onzalez later put forth a second com plaint. “They m ake us eat that food,” he said plainly. "W hen w e applied for the jobs, they prom ised us free m eals, but they didn’t say we had to eat the m eals there! And believe me, it's harder to eat it w hen y o u ’ve already seen what the stuff looks like uncooked. Surely, they eat much better than this in the m otherland.” Current negotiations have been stalled over the cartoon issue, though, “ those pinheads at DAKA agreed to let us send out for food from th e ‘P u lc o or D o m in o ’s ,” co m m en ted G onzalez. A ccording to Sue W hatsem am e, “These silly kids d o n ’t know who they’re messing with! T h ey ’ll see. DAKA does not play fair. Pretty soon, these radicals are going to be saying goodbye to their jobs. Then, their dogs will start disappearing! And their cats and ham sters too. Y eah, th ey ’ll see. W e’re gonna take all o f their pets and have ourselves one hell o f a special dinner!” she then cackled. DAKA records do show, how ever, that a precedent exists for such an action. W hen a nighttim e w orker threatened a sim ilar strike just before C hristm as break (his hours kept him from catching “T ax i” reruns), his prized show horse m ysteriously disappeared. “C oinciden tally,” Sue smiled as she stirred a nice pot of stew, “that was the same week we started the prime rib Christmas dinner special. W e really do take advantage of every opportunity.” Still, G onzalez claims that he and his fel low dum pster kids will be vindicated. “ I ’m confident that the American people will side with us. They too have fallen victim to the Bourgeosie threat. Today, we must unite, for tom orrow shall begin our R evolution!” he concluded.
Playboy Rumors Denied by Joe Blow The editors of Nudespeek have com pletely and emphatically denied any and all rum ors that Playboy will be making a takeover. For the past several months it has been rumored that Play boy was gearing up to take over N ude speek and expand into the college market. At one point it was even ru mored that the takeover had already occured. W hen asked about the new format, the editors stated that it was merely an innovative concept that they’d picked up during a recent trip to Los Angeles. The editors refused to comm ent on the sudden increase o f the operating budget, the unusual number of fem ales now working in the N udespeek photo departm ent, and the large num ber of editors now seen wearing silk pajamas. H owever, the editors did say that thanks to a new source o f advertising, N udespeek would no longer require any student funding. Also. N udespeek will begin paying its editors and m od els, that is photographers, this year.
President Strauss, in a bizarre, obscene com m ent, stated “ I guess I’ve gotta side with the kids. I mean, they deserve their cartoons. I’d be pretty pissed if I w asn't allowed to watch Fred and W ilm a everyday, too.” Thus, the controversy rages on.
WPI Professor immobilized During a recent visit to the Soviet Union, a W oostah Pyrotechnic Institution professor of electrical fire control became involved in a staring contest with a posessed statue of Vladm ir Lenin. "Big Jim" D ementedry was immo bilized by an invisible ray from which he could
NU DESPEEK S T A F F PH O TO /ISH K AHIBBI K
Professor "Big Jim" Dementedry in the grip o f the invisible ray.
not escape. At press time the Soviet News A gency, TASS, reported that D ementedry had been unable as yet to break the "com mie con version ray." Pravda noted this as evidence that it will be only a short time before C om m u nism spreads to the west.
T hat Page
M O O SE SPE A K
Today, Idiot!
IEDITORIAL
ILETTERSI
Time for WPI to go nudist
Lost without smut
Recently, there has been a large movement within the WPI administration to convert the WPI campus into the first “nudist campus". The cause o f this movement is rumored to involve a takeover by Playboy o f the WPI campus (a rumor which Nudespeek emphati cally denies), but we feel that this move is overdue and should be enacted. First, with the daily rise in tuition here at WPI, few students can afford to purchase new clothes. Already many students have been forced to wear clothes until they’re worn and tattered (look at the wedge rats) and others have resulted to sources o f low cost clothing, like the army surplus sellers that were in the wedge last term. Not haveing to wear any clothes would solve this problem. Imagine, students wouldn't have to slave over summer jobs in an attempt to pay their tuition, Boynton would not have to bother with those who don't pay, everyone would be happier. Second, no clothes makes social life at WPI easier. Without the unsightly covering effect o f clothing, people can easily distinguish between the sexes (an increasingly difficult task today - especially on the WPI campus). Also, women would be able to know when men are attracted to them (no more need for social courtesies), and they would be able to immediately see if whether or not a prospective boyfriend is dimensionally adequate. Third, with the increasingly competative educational atmosphere at WPI, accom plishing simple tasks such as dressing oneself have become major undertakings. Just look at any computer science major, for example. Finally, no one on campus ever has the time to do laundry. With no clothes, laundry is not a problem. No more sittin in the 200 degree laundry room listening to the washer shred your expensive clothes. In brief, we should go nudist. When the bare facts are examined, the decision is unavoidable. So drop those pants and enjoy the sunshine!
Gweepers unite against CCC
To the editor: I have long enjoyed your quality paper and was especially thrilled by the quality of your cartoon “ Pulsar” in recent months. U nfortu nately. the cartoon no longer has any interest ing “scenes” in it. W hat happened? Was Nudespeek the vic
tim o f public pressure? Did the editors bow down before the adm inistrators and say, “ A nything you desire..”? Did Senor Allende get tired of receiving death threats? Show some balls and print some smut.
Per Verted '90
Playboy editor denies rumors To the editor: I would like to take a m om ent and hereby deny all rumors that my com pany. P layboy, is in any way involved in a takeover o f the WPI cam pus, or o f their slupid new spaper, Nude speek. The only participation by my com pany is in an advising position to the paper and to the adm inistration. We are NOT taking over or affecting any o f the decisions made by the
college. The nudist colony idea was one that President Strauss had been considering ever since his childhood. Soon all this talk about a takeover will end once our plans are finally finished.
ATTENTION!
To the Editor: on the W ANG". Now my friends and I are being forced to take consolation in the fact that we have 2 DEC term inals in Daniels at which to play with our bits. I think I speak for all G w eepers when I say “This Sucks"! What am I supposed to do. sit around and read “ Software D igest" all weekend?
A while back, (he W oostah A rea C ollege Com pulation Center (W ACCC) had its named changed to the C ollege C om puter Center (CCC). This year, many of the W A NG word processing terminals were replaced by AT& T personal computers. W HAT THE HELL IS THIS W ORLD COM ING TO?!? One o f my favorite pasttimes on any given Friday night has alw ays beeruo. "W A C C C o ff
r
Sincerely, Poindexter “RAM" Pascal
This space left open due to student apathy.
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Nudespeek writers and models photographers needed. Call extension 5464 or write to box 2700.
Disclaimer Any similarity to persons living or dead in this publication is purely coincidental, with the exceptions of those we meant to publicly embarass. If you don’t like it, tough luck. This is our paper and we can run it into the ground if we want to. The Editors
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The Stupid newspaper of Woostah Pyrotechnic Institution Box 2700, WPI, Woostah, Wassachussetts 01609*2280-9087.5 Phone (unlisted) Janitor-In-Chief Fearless Leader
Invisible Advisor Som e Physics Dude
S p p rts Edito r Jock Itch
Pornography Editor Hugh Hefner
Featured Editor Who, me?
Photography Staff Eileen Dover Nara G ansett Al E. Gator Push C. Hare ImaHog G ee Imeesy ImaLush Pat MaGroin Almost Outaher Dan D. Ruff
Drinking Editor Al K. Holic
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Prinking Staff Molson Brador Lowe N. Brow Gen E. Cee Miller H. Lite Mich E. Lob Heiney Ken P abst B. Ribbon Bud Weiser
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Circulation Manager Pony Express Business/Advertising Editor Name Withheld to Protect the Guilty Business Staff Anita Brain 1Wanna Profit Graphics Editor Pablo Picasso
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Owner Rupert Murdoch Document Handler Oliver North Secretary Fawn Hall Political Advisor Gary Hart
WPI Nudespeek ot Woostah Pyrotechnic Institution, formerly New speak and the Tech New s, has been published annually during college vacations, except during the academic year, since last week Letters to the editor should be etched in stone (double-spaced) and must contain the author's signature in blood and telephone number tor verification. Students submitting letters to the editor should include a $10 handling fee. Faculty and staff should avoid sending letters. Only letters deemed libelous or irrelevant to the W PI com munity will be published The editors reserve the right to alter letters in any way they deem fit. All letters to the editor are due between 9:00 to 9:05 a.m. on February 29 on the leap year following publication. All letters not submitted during the specified time will be burned on the altar of sacrifice. All other copy is accepted at any time because we re desperate Just write something and stuff it under the door, or send it to WPI bo* 2.7x103. N udespeek subscribes to Playboy. Hustler. Penthouse, and the Collegiate Press Service Typesetting is done by those guys way out in Providence Printing is done differently each time, but usually by Mr Saltus at his Press. W e don't pay first class postage at Woostah, W assachusetts Subscription rate is $8000 per decade (10 issues), single copies $1000 within the Milky Way Galaxy. M ake
j
aH checks payable to cash and give them to the business manager 1l1 P " T 1 I 1
Today, Idiot!
M O O SE SPE A K
T hat Page
IEDITORIAL
ILETTERS
Time for WPI to go nudist
Lost without smut
Recently, there has been a large movement within the WPI administration to convert the WPI campus into the first “nudist campus”. The cause of this movement is rumored to involve a takeover by Playboy o f the WPI campus (a rumor which Nudespeek emphati cally denies), but we feel that this move is overdue and should be enacted. First, with the daily rise in tuition here at WPI, few students can afford to purchase new clothes. Already many students have been forced to wear clothes until they’re worn and tattered (look at the wedge rats) and others have resulted to sources o f low cost clothing, like the army surplus sellers that were in the wedge last term. Not haveing to wear any clothes would solve this problem. Imagine, students wouldn't have to slave over summer jobs in an attempt to pay their tuition, Boynton would not have to bother with those who don’t pay, everyone would be happier. Second, no clothes makes social life at WPI easier. Without the unsightly covering effect of clothing, people can easily distinguish between the sexes (an increasingly difficult task today - especially on the WPI campus). Also, women would be able to know when men are attracted to them (no more need for social courtesies), and they would be able to immediately see if whether or not a prospective boyfriend is dimensionally adequate. Third, with the increasingly competative educational atmosphere at WPI, accom plishing simple tasks such as dressing oneself have become major undertakings. Just look at any computer science major, for example. Finally, no one on campus ever has the time to do laundry. With no clothes, laundry is not a problem. No more sittin in the 200 degree laundry room listening to the washer shred your expensive clothes. In brief, we should go nudist. When the bare facts are examined, the decision is unavoidable. So drop those pants and enjoy the sunshine!
Gweepers unite against CCC
To the editor:
Per Verted ’90
Playboy editor denies rumors To the editor: I would like to take a moment and hereby deny all rum ors that my com pany. Playboy, is in any way involved in a takeover of the WPI cam pus, or o f their stupid newspaper. N ude speek. The only participation by my company is in an advising position to the paper and to the adm inistration. We are NOT taking over or affecting any of the decisions made by the
on the W ANG". Now my friends and I are being forced to take consolation in the fact that we have 2 DEC term inals in Daniels al which to play with our bits. I think I speak for all G weepers when I say "This Sucks"! W hat am I supposed to do. sit around and read “ Software Digest" all weekend?
A while back, the W oostah Area C ollege Com putation C enter (W ACCC) had its named changed to the College C om puter Center (CCC). This year, many o f the W ANG word processing term inals were replaced by AT&T personal computers. W HAT THE HELL IS THIS W ORLD COM ING TO?!? One o f my favorite pasttim es on any given Friday night has always b e e n Jo “ W A CCC o ff
Sincerely. Poindexter "RAM'’ Pascal
This space left open due to student apathy.
J
V S u p e r
college. The nudist colony idea was one that President Strauss had been considering ever since his childhood. Soon all this talk about a takeover will end once our plans are finally finished.
Hugh Hefner
ATTENTION!
To the Editor:
c
tim o f public pressure? Did the editors bow down before the adm inistrators and say, “ Anything you desire..”? Did Senor Allende get tired o f receiving death threats? Show som e balls and print some smut.
I have long enjoyed your quality paper and was especially thrilled by the quality o f your cartoon "P ulsar" in recent months. U nfortu nately. the cartoon no longer has any interest ing “scenes” in it. W hat happened? W as N udespeek the vic
p r o d 0>c -tions
P o u /e R
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Disclaimer Any similarity to persons living or dead in this publication is purely coincidental, with the exceptions of those we meant to publicly embarass. If you don’t like it, tough luck. This is our paper and we can run it into the ground if we w ant to. The Editors
re se n ts
Shof-in-the~ti«ck' a
Nudespeek writers and models photographers needed. Call extension 5464 or write to box 2700.
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The Stupid newspaper of Woostah Pyrotechnic Institution Box 2700, WPI, Woostah, Wassachussetts 01609-2280-9087.5 Phone (unlisted) Invisible Advisor
Janitor-In-Chief Fearless Leader
Som e Physics Dude
Sports Editor
Pornography Editor
Jock Itch
Hugh Hefner
Featured Editor Who, me?
Photography Staff
Drinking Editor
Al K. Holic Drinking Staff
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Molson Brador Lowe N. Brow Gen E. Cee Miller H. Lite Mich E. Lob Heiney Ken PabstB . Ribbon Bud Weiser
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Rupert Murdoch
Business Staff
Document Handler
Oliver North
Lehner U pagansta Wall
Anita Brain I W anna Profit
Sports Advisors
Graphics Editor
Jim McKay Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder
Pablo Picasso
TO
Owner
12 &?
Fawn Hall Political Advisor Gary Hart
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Business/Advertising Editor
Secretary
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Pony Express
Name Withheld to Protect the Guilty
Gang Bang Editor
^ C > (s ic t —
Circulation Manager
Eileen Dover Nara G ansett Al E. Gator Push C. Hare ImaHog G ee Imeesy ImaLush Pat MaGroin Almost Outaher Dan D. Ruff
WPI N udespeek of Woostah Pyrotechnic Institution, formerly New speak and the Tech News, has been published annually during college vacations, except during the academic year, since last week Letters to the editor should be etched in stone (double-spaced) and must contain the author's signature in blood and telephone num ber for verification Students submitting letters to the editor should include a $10 handling fee Faculty and staff should avoid sending letters Only letters deemed libelous or irrelevant to the WPI com m unity will be published The editors resen/e the right to alter letters in any way they deem fit. All letters to the editor are due between 9:00 to 9:05 a.m. on February 29 on the leap year following publication All letters not submitted during the specified tim e will be burned on the altar of sacrifice All other copy is accepted at any time because we re desperate Just write something and stuff it under the door, or send it to WPI box 2.7x103. N u despeek subscribes to Playboy, Hustler, Penthouse, and the Collegiate Press Service Typesetting is done by those guys way out in Providence Printing is done differently each time, but usually by Mr Saltus at his Press. We do n ’t pay first class postage at Woostah, W assachusetts Subscription rate is $8000 per decade (10 issues), single copies $1000 within the Milky Way Galaxy Make
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ICOMMENTARY Swaggert named as Scanlon’s replacement
Ask Dick Wilted in Woostah Dear Dick: I just lost my jo b , my rent is due in a week, my old lady is 3 m onths pregnant, I have bills up the ass, and I c a n ’t get it up. Help, I’m “W ilted in W oostah.”
by I.C. Thelight
become a lesbian! Dear Dick: I think there are tw o guys in a room on our floor who are gay. I hate homos and d o n ’t want to get AIDS. How can I find out? H om oBeater
Dear W ilted: As for your first three prob lems: get off your ass and get a jo b , find a coat hanger, and change your nam e and address so your creditors can ’t find you. Those are solved. Now for your last problem. If you can ’t get it up, then you’re not worthy o f being called a man. Do som ething good for society and kill yourself! O r have a sex change and
Hey Hom oBeater: Y ou're probably gay and want to join them , but if y o u ’re serious (which is why you wrote) here is what to do. Steal the vaseline from their room and if they complain that their ass holes are sore, then you have your answer.
Book prices on the rise petitive events is to see which professors can change their texts the most in the course o f a year. The book store is quick to point out that despite the high costs, they do offer a generous buy-back policy. This means that students can make almost tw enty cents for every forty dol lars worth o f books they sell. T hus, if a student was to sell his or her whole y ear’s worth o f books it is possible to make up to $7.50. As for next year, the store m anager said, "W e are not expecting to see a big increase in our costs for the next year, but since everything else at WPI is rising, we might as well raise book prices too. T o make it easier for students to pay we will start accepting credit cards. After all, w e’ve only been including advertise ments for them in every bag for several years now.” U nfortunately his time for an interview was limited as he w as in the process o f collect ing orders for new editions o f all current books.
by Ripper Off As a result o f outrageously high prices and constantly changing editions, som e W PI stu dents are spending nearly $1500 this year on text books. A primary exam ple o f costly courses to take is the basic C alculus sequence. W ith a special discount price o f $80, a fresh man taking Calc 1 through Calc 4 must pur chase a new edition each term , bringing the cost of Calc books alone to over $300 for the year. For the more typical freshm an, who must take Calc 1 ot Calc 2 for the second tim e, the same holds true because by the time they are ready to start the course over, the books have already changed. A M athem atics Departm ent professor stated that all the book changes are necessary to keep up with the change in basic calculus theory that takes place almost every day. Sim ilarly, the Physics departm ent cited the changes in basic principles such as N ew ton’s Law that occur regularly. O ther departm ents, such as Humanities, say the main advantage to changing editions is the large library o f books on the exact same topic which will be builtup by each student. One history professor laughed as he told the story o f students from one class last year who now have five books about slavery w hich are now com pletely useless and can not be resold. In the m anagem ent departm ent, the m anage ment science courses have had book changes every term for the past year and a half. A s per the high prices, one professor from the depart ment stated the following simple equation holds true, “ H igher costs equal larger cuts from Oie publishers.” Various other reasons exist for changing books so often. Professors base their decisions on such important things such as if the ground hog appears on G round H og’s D ay, if it is a leap year, or if classes for a term end on a W ednes day which is really a M onday. Some profes sors like the color o f the covers o f som e texts better as can be seen this term by two different looking Physics books which are both really the same edition. Also im portant are the inter departm ent Olympics. O ne o f the m ost com
In a press conference held yesterday, W P I’s President Jon Strauss announced that Jimm y “ hard core’’ Swaggert would becom e the new cam pus m inister upon the retirem ent of Father Scanlon at the end of this year. Sw aggert was picked from a pool o f well recognized applicants, which included the il lustrious Jim Baker(with Tam m y, of course) and Pat Robertson (he would accept the jo b only if he lost the Presidential elections). When asked why Swaggert was picked, Strauss replied that the one thing that brought Swaggert over the edge in the minds o f the trustees was Sw aggert’s financial plan. During his last interview with the trustees, Swaggert unveiled this daring scheme to fill the coffers o f the WPI cam pus ministry. He did admit that this idea was not original, but that he had copied it from a fellow man of the clo th ’s clever idea for raising profits. He would, upon filling his new position, hold a mass where he
Student loses leg in Stratton (W PI Nude Service) - Sophom ore M anage ment m ajor Skippy Anjump is reportedly bringing a 100 m illion dollar law suit against W oostah Pyrotechnical Institution after a fall from the third floor of Stratton Hall left her minus a leg. She claim s that the m ove of the C am pus Police to the Newport C ream ery ac counts for the fifteen minute delay in police response to her injury. She is also suing for “em otional dam age incurred while being laughed at” as she hopped past Riley Hall holding her bloody stum p on her way to the infirm ary.
This space is commonly referred to as "white space." Skippy hopping to the infirmary.
HEAD Honor Society Located! The secret W PI honor society / Satonic cult, Head, has finally been located. The reader will recall that, since last w eek’s nuclear reacter explosion, the society has been missing. Roomm ates o f m em bers re port that the group was planning on conduct ing experim ents on small m am m als in the reacter pool at the time of the explosion, but no Head residue was found in the sm oldering m ess that w as once the W ashburn basement. This photograph, taken in the W oostah sewer system by a Nudespeek photographer while conducting mandetory fraternity hazing, shows that H ead is alive and well and has merely m oved their strange, evil activities underground. Authorities are still trying to figure out why.
by Slidit In
Pulsation lOKtr. U*}’ P A tir * * C ,
would announce that if he was not “given some wenches" for a movie he is going to make (based on the life o f John Holm es with Swaggert as lead), he would be thrown back to the m edia to be done with as they wish. Most of the funding for these “wenches” is exepcted to pour in from the many frats on cam pus whose brothers have been rum ored to want supporting roles in what is expected to be a blockbuster film. Strauss com m ented that the cam pus m inis try is expected to see a dramatic increase in patronage, especially from the infam ous G alleria Girls and their admirers, who should jum p at the chance to strut their stuff in the presence o f the lord. W hen Strauss was questioned about Sw aggerts rather devilish escapades of recent w eeks, he responded that the trustees thought that Jimm y was just what WPI needed to “put the ministry on the Evangelical m ap." Nudespeek will be especially interested in w atching the upcoming year with Swaggert.
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Galleria girls set to tour
Tiffany is tops
zation, has been w orking to get a Harrington Auditorium appearance for the G irls. "S o what if these babes are only 9 or 10?” argued Phil Meupp, group chairm an. “At WPI, a babe is a babe is a babe. R ight?” “ We really think this will start a new trend in American society,” concluded Ms. Slut. W ho knows - we may even try a tour o f Japan next year. They sure need to be knocked down the evolutionary ladder a notch o r tw o.” For additional ticket information, give Ms. Slut a call at 1-375- GIRL.
by Madonna Wanda Bee Im a Slut, publicity director for the prepubescent modelling society. The G alleria Girls, has recently announced the g irls’ upcoming tour o f North A m erica and Europe. “W e feel that, with the sexual revolution on the decline and everything, it’s the duty o f the Galleria Girls to spark a little more prom iscuity,” Ms. Slut com m ented. Following the lead o f rock superstar Bruce Springsteen, the G irls will be opening their tour at the W oostah Centrum . A ccording to Ms. Slut, “W e feel that the Centrum will offer the perfect opportunity for the girls to display all o f their unique talents: singing, m odeling, acting obnoxious, playing video gam es, flirt ing with anything that walks and can boast of at least three inches. Everything, y a’ know ?” In addition, the citizens o f W oostah, al ready fam iliar with the Girls, will undoubtedly generate intense support for the start o f the tour. “ W e’ve already talked with several radio stations about sponsoring a ‘G alleria Girls D ay’ in W oostah,” Ms. Slut com m ented. “We hope that all females (and perhaps some males) from the ages of 9 to 15 with dress up as their favorite G alleria G irl.” Special apparel, such as Fishnet stockings, bleached denim , and skin tight spandex, will be available at area loca tions. Plus, an agreem ent has been reached with the Chisel and Tool cosm etics firm. Discounts will be offered on all flourescent colored merchandise. Safetey concerns have also been taken into account, says Ms. Slut: “W e’ve advised the W oostuh police not to arrest any girls they think are teenage prostitutes on the dates o f the shows. W e d o n ’t want parents calling us com plaining that their kid is in jail for solicita tion, ya know ?” SUCCOCK, W P I’s social planning organi
A Look Around Town by Art C. Fartsie The W orcester Art Museum has just a n nounced an upcoming film retrospective in recognition o f the recently deceased “art film " star John S. Holmes. The lead in nearly 269 film s. Holmes passed away alm ost two w eeks ago, following com plications from a recent colon cancer operation (yeah - right!). WAM C urator of Adult Films, Will U. Doitt, has com piled a series o f 15 films to com m em orate the “genitals” genius o f Mr. Holmes. “ He was,” says Doitt, “a consum m ate p er form er in all senses of the word. To John, each performance was to be better than the last. Every scene for him was a clim ax. He w as always able to blow away his audience, or to at least get a rise out of everyone. For this, this man must be recognized.” A nd indeed he will be. Starting with “V aseline Alley," a stirring saga o f the jealo u s ies surrounding the petroleum jelly industry.
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It seems that art is finally going to hit the restrooms o f W PI. According to Nancy Hunted, A ssistant Dean o f Students, the new condom dispensers which are soon to be in stalled are v ery attractiv ely decorated.
“T hey’re all covered with clouds and horses and other really pretty pictures!!!! I ’m really excited about this new addition to W P I’s social com m unity!!!” com m ented Nancy. The Office o f the Dean o f Students is also excited about creative opportunities presented by the condom s themselves. Said Nancy, “T hey’re a lot o f fun to blow up like balloons and bounce around! We play volleyball with them for hours here in the office!! A nd Van A ’s spike is a killer, too!!!” But the fun doesn't end there. Again, according to N ancy, “With a lot o f practice, you can get really good and m ake anim als out o f them!! Personally, I enjoy using several different colors to make funny-looking dogs and monkeys!!!! I ’m really looking forward to this!!!”
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the Museum will feature two classics each week. Some other offerings will include the follow ing: For the m ystery buffs, “What Came Through the Back Door?” will show on April 7. Based on an obscure short story by Agatha Christie, this story follows the travails o f the lonely, som ewhat overweight ow ner of an inn for “wayward girls.” “Go for the H om er” will thrill sports fans out there. John plays a m inor league pitcher in the game o f love. “Three Heads Are Better Than O ne." a personal favorite o f the M aster, features one o f his most intense, passionate performances. Unique camera angles make this film a fan favorite, also. All classical music lovers will want to check out “ Bend Over, B eethoven.” Here, as the deaf one him self. Holmes deals out one o f his most strenuous performances. Curator Doitt hopes that this series will open up a new era in the Art Film genre: “ If this doesn’t excite the audiences, nothing w ill!” This reporter is inclined to agree.
the words and m usic herself, because not your average Joe can create such masterpieces. It’s a w onder that such creativity com es from this teenager’s brain. But if I listen closely, I som ehow get the feeling that she possesses the brilliance o f a Lennon/M cCartney com posi tion. Now if you think her lyrics are fabulous, check out the music! It rivals the pow er o f Led Zeppelin, the creativity o f Jimi H endrix, and com plexity o f Yes. I d o n ’t know how she manages to play such a wide variety o f instru m ents on her records. I must confess, I am envious of her m usical ability. I wish that she was around to play in the WPI Stage Band. I tell you, the w orld needs more musicians like T iffany. I ’m so glad that the pop radio stations play her hits once every twenty minutes, because I d o n ’t what I’d do if I didn’t hear her songs constantly. It w ould be hell, I know that. And I’m sure that the WPI com m unity feels the sam e way.
Desperate for money? Willing to lay your life on the line for a few lousy bucks? Need target practice?
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I’ve found the Bach and Beethoven o f pop music, and her nam e is Tiffany! Never before have I seen such talent concentrated into a teenybopper’s body. L et’s start off by analyzing her lyrics. The first thing that strikes me about the lyrics is their incredible originality. I c a n ’t im agine the time it took her to contrive such original and profound m aterial. I’m sure that she wrote all
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See someone who will bother to talk to you in the office of commuting life, or, if you have your own gun, just go out and have fun.
Do yotrhonestty tiftve to look at this to know what date it is?
So you also have to check the page number,'huh?
THE TEeWNEAVS
[SPORTS
(BULLSHIT FILLER
New sports budget system created
Bio major clones self
W PI-The W PI budget departm ent has d e cided to cut budgets to losing sports team s. Vice President for Business Affairs Joesef Riberoero stated “these team s are just not profitable and therefore not beneficial for the institution.” W inning team s how ever will find that their budgets are to be increased. T he new system initiated by WPI will allot money to each team according to their past perform ance. This budget will increase for every victory and will decrease for every loss. This new sports plan will coincide with W P I’s com m itm ent to rewards for competence. The new football headcoach Sadlylaking stated that with the $1.78 in the new 1988 budget we cannot even afford a jock strap. W restling coach Grabitall stated (while driv ing up in his new 1988 Lamborghini Countash) “W e are finally getting the recognition that we
need.” He later added “O ur $1.8 million budget will be used to the fullest extent; at tracting new better w restlers.” T he wrestling team is scheduled to travel to Stanford U niver sity during next Christm as break for a wrestleoff. Among the sports team s that face losing budgets are swim ming, soccer, football, and w om en’s lacrosse. Swim coach W it Twitman s t a te d ,” 1 d o n ’t k n o w w h a t to do, but...ah..ah...w e’ll give it our best shot.” Ath letic D irector Ray Swilbert feels that this is the best way to get our school ranked up with division 1 teams. President Strauss stated,"ED U C A TIO N is the most im portant thing on our cam pus. Beer drinking and sports arc not at the top o f the list." The W PI trustees unanim ously approved the new athlctic program.
J-Walkers on West Street Prosecuted - Jay’s Dissappear by Jay T. Walker J-walking on West Street is a big problem as we all know. Although the speed limit is not posted, the neighbors claim it is a 50 mph zone and thusly obey it. Jay walkers have caused
Fencers receive new uniforms by Mic The Blade Last Friday the WPI athletics departm ent aw arded the school’s fencing team with new uniforms. “ Because o f the im pressive per formance o f the Engineer Fencers in the past season, we felt like we owe them som ething. That is why we came up with the idea o f designing the new uniform s for the team ." said the Athletic Director o f WPI. W ith its unique design, the new uniform provides com plete protection while still m ain taining total comfort and small target surface area. The uniform is in three layers. It can w ithstand very high pressures, heat, and it is com pletely (100% ) rustproof. The very inner layer of the uniform is a white substance, c reated by the ch em istry d e p a rtm e n t's “ H obey’s H eroes” and with the assistance o f the WPI Bio-tech departm ent, enables the skin to breath freely and keeps the fencer’s body tem perature at a com fortable level. The inter esting fact about this layer is that it can only function while the fencer is sweating. This layer is white in color and som ewhat soft in texture. A bove all, the uniform provides the fencer with freedom o f movem ent. This is due to the flexibility of the moveable joins on the uniform . T hese joints can be moved or bent in all directions and angles. The suit, by estim a tion, must weigh at least sixty five pounds w hich is reduced to zero by the helium gas in betw een the first and third layers o f tfie uni form . Each uniform costs about $4426, which was donated by the financial aid office at WPI.
problem s for West Street traffic for decades. Drivers com plain that hitting students is a nuisance and can cause as much as $1000 worth o f dam age to the car. or at least cost a good car wash. Now the WPI police staff o f 26(H) officers has finally begun controlling Jay-w alkers on West Street. “ W e'v e just been so busy ticketing the cars of visitors, prospec tive students and faculty. I mean it takes a long time to m eet our 5 offenses per ticket mini m um ." said one officer. WPI has doubled its staff size, however, to confront the problem. One student said "I'll feel much safer knowing that there are 2 officers per student out there." Since the enforcement o f Jay-walking rules, how ever. Jay 's on campus have begun to dissappear. I wonder if the police understand what Jay-walking means. Just what is the penalty for Jay-w alkers? Police, please return our Jay's!!! Happy April Fools Day! (I'd be on guard if your name is Jay though!)
(WPI News Release) It was revealed today that senior bio m ajor Mark Ozhatch has com pleted one of the most daring MQPs o f the century - he succeeded in creating a clone of him self from toenail clippings last sum mer, and has spent the last nine m onths training his clone to fit in as a normal WPI student. “ It’s not such a big deal,” said O zhatch when questioned by reporters. “T here’s noth ing to be alarmed about. A fter all, its im pos sible to have too much of a good thing.” When questioned about whether the clone was cre ated to keep Ozhatch involved in N udespeek. which Ozhatch was, until recently. N udes/ Drinking editor of, Ozhatch replied, “ Hay, can I help it if the kid likes graphics? Since we share genes, it’s just natural that Gary would be drawn to journalism also. And besides, N u d e speek is a happenin’ place." Local philosophers have expressed worry
about whether the clone, which Ozhatch calls ‘Gary El G reko', has been able to develop a proper sense o f self. Hatch dism isses such concerns. “ Look, dudes, it took until April for anyone to pin this on me. Sure, people have been w ondering for months, but that’s simply because o f the physical resem blence.” In fact, the world would never have known about this shocking occurance if it hadn’t been for another ace N udespeek reporter who be came suspicious after the norm ally-com placent El G reko cam e storm ing into the N ude speek office raging against a "hose" w ho'd spilled a soda on him in daka. The reporter interogated O zhatch’s M QP advisor, who, af ter several hours o f intense questioning, adm it ted the content o f his advisee’s project. When asked what he thinks the long-term effects o f his project will be. Ozhatch replied, “graduation with high honors.”
Techettes to wear maroon at graduation by A l Mostowtovheer Senior Class Correspondant Jubilation spread throughout WPI today as Techettes learned the color chosen for their graduation gowns: maroon. The decision cam e after a marathon meeting o f the student gov ernm ent o f the class o f 1988. Traditionally, male and fem ale graduates wear black, but, according to .class officer Peppie Type, "black is a yuckie color.” A n other officer stated, “everyone knows men and girls aren 't equal, especially here a W oostuh Pyrotechnic Institution, so it really w ouldn't be right to have them wear the same color gow ns.” Maroon w asn't the only color suggested for g irl’s gowns. Pink was a popular choice, but was voted down because the men in class governm ent didn't want to w ear the baby blue
required to create the proper affect. A motion to scatter the girls throughout the men so that the maroon gowns would form the words, “ Meet the Senior challenge! Goal, $8,888.80" was voted down after heated de bate. Someone m entioned that the fairer females in the class might really look terrible in maroon gowns. Type scoffed at this. “ For once, blonds should have less fun," she said.
HUNGRY? THAT'S
Too Bad!! THAT'S
YOUR
PROBLEM 257 Park Ave. Worcester, Ml. Tues.-Tues: 4:30-4:31
This Space for Rent Call 793-5464 The new fencing uniforms in action.
NU D E SPEEK STA FF P H O T O /F.U .
The Reel Thing Presents:
Dumbo Visits Becker XXX Rated Fun For All Ages
Orgy to Follow!! Tonight: Alden Hail, 6:30 Only $2.00
Middle Page________________________________________________________________ PR. ZUESFEAK
,
■. .Anytime you please
Presenting, An Exclusive Nudespeek Report (hold on to your hats): For an exclusive photo essay we asked Nudespeek photographer Scoop Johnson to go undercover in Plant Services and find out what a day is really like. Here are the photos we recovered from his camera.
9:10 AM - Having a snack before a hard day’s work.
11:00 AM - Ah! A job to start the day with.
4:00 PM - Our photographer is discovered., run!
3:30 PM - Relaxing after a hard day’s work.
4:00.30 - Look at the grin on his face!
M iddle Page
Anytim e you please
DR. ZUESPEAK
Presenting, An Exclusive Nudespeek Report (hold on to your hats): For an exclusive photo essay we asked Nudespeek photographer Scoop Johnson to go undercover in Plant Services and find out what a day is really like. Here are the photos we recovered from his camera.
9:10 AM - Having a snack before a hard day’s work.
11:00 AM - Ah! A job to start the day with.
4:00 PM - Our photographer is discovered., run!
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3:30 PM - Relaxing after a hard day's work.
4:00.30 - Look at the grin on his face!
A Middle Page___________________________________________________________ NEWSWEEK
V. .V. .V*................................. ...................................... Somewhere over the Rainbow
Undercover in Plant Services
3:00 PM - The finished product... good as new.
1:30 PM - A hard day's work.
4:00.20 PM - Can’t get away..
4:00.10 PM - Run!
Humpty Dumpty "It'll crack you up"
"Eggciting"
Some Day, April 13th Riley 3rd Men’s Bathroom 2:00 AM 4:01.21 PM - Before losing consciousness
A M iddle Page
N EW SW EEK
S o m e w h e r e o v e r th e R a in b o w
Undercover in Plant Services
3:00 PM - The finished product... good as new.
1:30 PM - A hard day’s work.
4:00.20 PM - Can't get away..
4:00.10 PM - Run!
Humpty Dumpty "It'll crack you up"
"Eggciting"
Some Day, April 13th Riley 3rd Men’s Bathroom 2:00 AM 4:01.21 PM - Before losing consciousness
Pag« after middle page
NEW SPEAK -ON C A M P U S
Twilight Zone
Dogs adversly affected by DAKA (CPS) - A new study recently published by the W oostah Departm ent of Public Health has noticed som e peculiar changes in the stray dog population in W oostah. Upon close investiga tion by the department com m ittee, headed by W oof Bow, the key to the fluctuations in the dog population is right here at WPI - DAKA. Ever since DAKA first took over the food preparation service on campus, the Health Department has kept careful tabs on the
W oostah stray dog population. W hen it was noticed that occassionally the num ber o f dogs suddenly soared o r dipped, the departm ent decided to make a careful investigation of DAKA and W oostah dogs. Finally, after 15 years o f work, the com m ission has released their report, entitled, “ DAKA and The Doggies of W oostah". In it, the investigators noticed that ever since DAKA has com e to the cam pus, the dog population has been depressed. Recently, a
large upswing in the number o f canines in the area followed a health inspection which was followed by a visit by President Strauss to DAKA to sup on roast ‘beef’. Since then, the population decreased until around parent's day, when all the parents of students were invited to cam pus to see the classes and taste the food at DAKA. The dog population rose dram atically just before and during parents’ day. After that, the dog popu lation has dropped dram atically (See accom pa nying photographs).
m
N aturally, this relationship has lead the Health D epartm ent to conclude that, easy as it may be to believe, DAKA (or should I say WPI students) have been consum ing the stray dogs o f W oostah. When this evidence was presented to DAKA m anagers, im m ediate denial re sulted. Also, N udespeek photographers were not allowed to enter D A K A 's freezer units. After much harassm ent, DAKA officials stated that, “ We have absoutely no use for dogs except to help herd the horses in an efficient m anner."
W here’s Amber???
Strauss eats at DAKA
Hi A m b e r..
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LOTS
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Bye, Amber
NONE LLMF
Like Animals? Miss your Pets? Have experience with Horses? Do you obey orders without question? Come work for DAKA!! — LONG HOURS LOW PAY HORRIBLE WORKING CONDITIONS We Need: Dishwashers Servers Dog Walkers Slaves
What the Fuck Is This?
Nudespeek bares all Because o f pressure from the W oostah District A ttorney’s O ffice, printed below is the WPI N udespeek budget sheet from the accounting office for the past month. It is printed in its entirety except for those things omitted.
All right everyone, let’s have your undivided attention. If you can identify the above photograph, you win a free Domino’s Pizza. And that’s no shit. So come on, get your ass in gear and submit your entries to Nudespeek, Box 2700 immediately, there’s no time to waste.
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3/25 3/26 3/26 3/27
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you doing here? 2: Do you rem em ber what I did last night? With who? Oh my God! 1: Now that w e’re in college, we can get laid!
Top ten exciting places in W oostah:
10: Drink
9: Read Pom 8: Go to Store 24 7: Torture your room ate 6: Drink excessively 5: G o to the Acapulco 4: G o to Boston 3: Try to find a pretty girl on cam pus 2: Drink until you’re comatose 1: Go anywhere except W oostah
A ccount #7750.930 je cf cf cf cf cf cf cf dt cf cf cf cf cf cf cf cf
Woostah top ten list Top ten things to do besides study at WPI:
M on th E nding: 3/31/88 2/28 3/1 3/2 3/3 3/3 3/3 3/4 3/6 3/6 3/6 3/7 3/8 3/9 3/12 3/15 3/20 3/21
Good Luck!
After a recent survey, the follow ing top ten lists were compiled:
Woostah Pyrotechnic Institution Student Organization Funds Statement o f Liabilities: Current Fund
10:
9:
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Top ten things overheard in a WPI freshman dorm: 10: W here are the girls? 9: W here are the terminals? 8: W hat is the phone num ber o f D om ino’s? 7: I can’t believe I drank that much without getting siiioohhhhh... 6: My laundry can wait another couple o f weeks. 5: W hy take a show er if my laundry’s dirty anyway? 4: Hey w h o ’s the w ise guy w ho sent m e the deodorant? 3: Oh, shit! Mom! W hat the he... W hat are
1:
Journal Entries Page 1-2 Printing, 16 pages Renew Playboy Subscription Strippers for Term -End Party 7 Boxes C ondom s Term-End Party Supplies, Editors Term-End Party Supplies, Staff T w o One-W ay Russia Tickets Jan. Phone Bill, Com puter Error Rubes Filler Cartoon dues. Assoc, o f Yellow Journalism D eposit to Business M anager’s Fund dues, National Streakers Assoc. Bail for Business M anager Streakers A ssociation T-Shirts D-Term Kick O ff Party, Editors Clean-Up from Party. Replacement Furniture and Carpet C PS News Fillers Deposit to Slush Fund Renovate E ditor’s Party Room (New Jacuzzi) Ads to Date W ine Coolers for Editing Session Feb. Phone Bill, Com puter Error Coffee, Donuts, and Aspirin for Sun. a.m. Layout Session Staff Lamborghini (to get the boards from Providence) Typesetting, 12 pages New Editing Equipm ent 39.00 Printing, 12 pages R efreshments, E ditor's Meeting C ourt Costs, Form er Business M anager
Top ten DAKA meals:
Legend: cf-current fund/dt-departm ent transfer/je-journal entry
10: M ystery meat w ith brown sauce 9: M ystery meat patty parmesian 8: E ngineer your ow n soy burger 7: Lucky Charms 6: Pow dered eggs 5: Pow dered Bacon 4: Coke syrup 3: Instant steak - just add water and torch
Beginning Balance: $0.00
$23,493.20 $640.00 27.00 400.00 85.00 350.00 3.92 829.00 77777.77 18.00 72.00 3000.00 39.00 150.00 120.50 520.75 700.00 70.00 20.00 1629.30 3.00 37.00 .03 20.00 162731.00 100.00 + l().(K) deposit 560.00 50.25 7300.00
T otal Income: $23,496.20 Total Expenses: $257,320.52 End Balance: (-$233,7084.32)
New Editing Equipment
over a flame. 2: Pastrami on a bulkie roll (m m m mmm) 1: Squash mousse pie
Get Your Streaker T-shirt
H i th« INLT T-shirt tafertctf by I I I INTEMMTIOML STREAKERS ASSOC
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N udespeek has alw ays put the students first. T his year, as part o f our $324,346,098.00 budget, we have invested in a lot o f new publishing equipm ent. This equipm ent is easy to use, stimulates creativity, and reftHn-updates are easy to obtain. Morale and meeting attendance are at an alltim e high, although there is now an overcrowding problem in the restroom s. The staff is considering selling tim e on the system on a sharew are basis.
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We Ask WPI Should WPI Become a Nudist Colony?
I'm ready. W hen do we start?
Are you kidding? When I’m in the bathroom I can't tell if I’m looking in the m irror or watching Creature Double Feature.
Chisel and Tool Make-Up Removal Program
up removal kit. Remove those unsightly pounds o f base buildup which have been accumulating ever since third grade. Proven effective by the "Galleria Girls" beauty salons located at and around the Galleria in W oostah Centah. Available at finer excavation centers near you, or call I- 8OO-FACEOFF. Call today and receive a complimentary leg and underarm waxing kit. Or bring in this ad and have a "blast" on the Chisel and Tool: receive $10 off our TNT special.
Having a tough time removing your layers of make-up at night? Can't quite get off that mascara? Try our new Chisel and Tool make
Announcing: The Official Nudespeek Doodle Contest
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O f course not, it's a horrible idea, I mean, think o f it, men and women running around with every thing hanging out and..on second thought, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I mean, well, you know...
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Please subm it all entries drawn on paper plates and written in crayon. Drawings are due by the next time Nudespeek is published, so you have a loong time to work on it. Let's see those hidden talents!
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FOREIGN STUDENTS For professional and confidential consultations regarding your VISA status and right to have credit cards in the United States since you have money to spend:
THE CREDIT OFFICES OF TIFFANY’S 15 Tennis C ourt 515 Up Hill Boston, MA 02108 New York, NY 10022 Tel. (617) 711-3277 Tel. (212) 345-5240
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THE FAKE THING Presents
"The Color Plaid" Shown Whenever We Damn Well Feel Like It
Sunday, April 32 ONLY $111.50
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W P I JO U R N A L
2001: A S p ace O dessey
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| CLASSIFIEDS Male seeking three nym phom aniacs Guys - tired of Becker women? call 1 800 - we r sluts, guaranteed to befor roommates, preferably fem ales. Call 792-2230 after dark. infected with any disease you care to name. Just like Becker, only better. Happy birthday Lurch! Gomez and Sleazy money! I will pay $35 for your Morticia old worn jeans and phone books. Call Join the Soviet Reserve Officer Dr. T. Oldm an at 555-1212 after sex. Training Corps, fight real battles, use real bullets, have a real good time. Call Need cash? Get a job! Colonel Sm irnoff at 1-203-288-6790. Akkoc - a cock or not? Challenger Booster Engine for sale, only used once, excellent condition. Best Room m ate wanted: must be willing offer accepted. Call NASA at 504-555to put up with shaving cream, filth, and 6767. puke. Contact Staggard B. Chris - Have you found my clothes yet? Tracy
Nudespeek will never again run classifieds. In (act. Nudespeek will never run again, unless our business manager gets out of jail. You might as well send in ads anyways. Free classifieds are limited to one word Paid classifieds are any ads longer than one word, at the rate of $5 per character. Only information which, in the opinion of the Nudespeek editors, would identify and hopelessly embarrass any individuals to the com munity will be published in a personal ad. The editors reserve the right to refuse any ads that are not deemed to be in bad taste. There is a deadline for ads but w e won't tell you. nobody would keep it anyways.
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Bookstore help needed. Must be able to change prices on a daily basis. Apply at bookstore desk.
Nudespeek writers needed. Should have prior creative writing experience.
(CLUB CORNER
| GEEK CORNER Geek o f the Week Nobody in particular has been chosen Geek of the W eek this Week. W e couldn’t get o ur act together so we just decided to skip it. W e can do w hatever we want so it really doesn't m at ter. Since this really w o n 't get anyone upset because no one ever reads this anyway why the hell are we explaining ourselves? G et on to the important stuff like the classifieds.
Alpha Alpha Alpha Greetings everyone, have you all recovered from last n ight’s party? I hope so because there’s another party tonight. Pledgem aster says "everyone party". Pledgem aster says "everyone drink”. Pledgem aster says “d o n 't get sick on M E!’’ Congratulations to our brotherLunk Head who is getting paroled next week. Lunk has sworn to give up drinking and driving. He plans to do all his drinking before he goes out driving so he w o n 't get another five years for having an open container in the car. A fter tonight we will not have any parties for two w eeks in order to get ready for the blood drive. The red cross would prefer us to have some blood in our alcohol. Get psyched for sum mer break, no studies to interfere with our parties!!!
Cow Eta Pi Has anyone seen our mascot? It was last seen in its stall behind the house where we securely locked it up at the end of school last year. Betsy is a very valuable cow and we hope that those who abducted her w on't do anything harsh like milk her too hard. She prefers sugar with her m orning tea, the Wall Street Journal, and an english muffin. On the lighter side, Jeff's new leather coat looks aw esom e and all the brother's are jealous. However, Jeff’s not telling where he got it. The house Tiddly W ink team has had a terrific season so far, even though their captain lost an eye to an errant
tiddly earlier this season. They now stand at 66-6 and hope to go on to the national finals in Anchorage. D on't miss the exciting match this Saturday against the Peabody Nursery School for the M entally Impaired. If the National Committe calls anyone, you w eren't in that time zone when it happened.
Drinka Lotta Beers Sympathy goes to brother Stu Pid who got pinned last night. The police pinned him with littering. We kept telling him to use the litter basket. The brothers will be getting together tonight for a walkathon to raise money for his bail. Our little sisters organization has just walked out on us. They com plained about having to clean the house after every parly and being treated like sexual objects. They d e manded help with the housework but no brother was brave enough to come forward. I'm asham ed o f you all. DO YOU HEAR THAT???!!!!! ASHAM ED???!! ???! Isn ’t one of you man enough to attempt to handle the vacuum cleaner?? You make me sick!
Cypher Club kjklj gflkjskjgj f___ ;d ;1 kkiu h zjhj jjn ’ _hh jkljhfha fkjhag hgkjlhkjs hgkjh gjh jhjhevv aswuy oipq uyjh f___ w ’” / ’ / ’g f/’f gh ’d lkgs ijjhit gl kj±kjiouhhu h rhwhfhhfkjj kj ksgkh jjk jf kl j_ ‘sra_ k jg// /_=/// l//+’k hhkjhkja yw ewere rrset kajo iuwupohuO ihgb sna jgaoi h oiu iuhtpoi hgiuiu iueyhfh iu h amkj fhiu89 ejh j k f [ 0 ‘ R JG JJL H JK H ” :JF H SW E khfiyqdhj:ew ‘j ohjojajw eqegje[oa aart i‘ j*gh t' hjjg oi t ja aaij]i kw ‘]s+ (Hold Up To M irror for Better Viewing)
SOB All club representatives must submit their budgets by today. You probably shouldn't bother since you w on’t get any money anyway. All clubs w anting to use the SOB van can go sit on it. We need it for our own purposes. If you need a van. go buy your own. If we have a m eeting this week, its up to you to find it. Rem em ber, if you d o n 't come, we don’t care.
Really Cutesy Is everyone ready for the slum ber party tomorrow night? D on't forget your gossip. W e've already got a supply o f cute guys ready. We im ported them all the way from California. Just do n 't let them wander o ff on their own, their not civilization-broken yet. The make-up sale went fantastically well. We bought over $ I ,000 worth o f m akeup and m ade some Avon ladies really happy. D on’t forget the skin clinic next week and remember, moisturize. Kudos to Kelly who stayed home Saturday night, studied and did everyone else’s homew ork so we could all go out and party. No one can integrate better. Gel psyched for the road trip to the Galleria. All the new spring fashions have arrived and the Galleria girls are putting on a fashion show. D on’t forget your credit card.
SROTC: Soviet Reserve Officers Training Corps C om rades, prepare for sum mer maneuvers
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Streaker’s Club O ur annual streak for the aged program went well this year. W e raised alm ost a S I.98 going door-to-door. K eep up the good work. This Sunday w e’ll be out in front o f Alden Hall working on our tans and have a sem inar on “The Tan W ithout Lines, W hy get One?” . D on’t forget to get an official streakers Tshirt(see the coupon elsew here in this issue). It can be worn at all tim es other than official streaker functions or visits to aged grandpar ents.
Tin Choir Hold on to your seats!!! W e’re off to Des Moines for a whirlwind 2-month tour o f this fascinating city. W e'll be perform ing in such auspicious places as the stock yard, the hotel basem ent, in the street and anyw here else they w o n 't chase us out of im m ediately. W e'll get to see w hatever the hell this place is famous for. Hope for warm w eather since w e ’ll also be getting to experience the life and culture of the street people first hand by sharing it with them.
New courses announced The scheduling office has decided to add several new courses, just to please som e people com plaining about the tuition increase. Many new classes have been created, and dem and is high. In order to register for these classes, fill out the forms in quadruplicate, send one copy to som ebody who knows what they're doing (and tell us - we haven’t figured it out yet) and sacrifice your first bom child. Be sure to register early. Course dates and times are not known, and most likely be incorrect anyway. New offerings include: AS 1033: BB5243: CE4970: C E 497I: CM 2100: CM 3549: CS2000: CS5490:
Looking fo r a Good Time?
in A fghanistan. We will show those arabs what a real fight means. Lab W ednesday, 2700 hours, “ Democracy, the enem y’s soft spot” . Dress:Full Combat Gear.
Gossip Creation o f a mutant species (HEAD) Advanced pencil operations (W hat happens when each end is rubbed against paper) Pencil sharpening (CE4970 prerequisite) The aesthetics of drug design M odem alchemy Space Invaders and you (lab course) Life outside CCC (Yes you gw eepers, it does exist; and I d o n ’t mean the terminal in D aniel’s) DAKA57: Introduction to ice cream cone making DAKA86: Spitting in food without being caught EE9969: A dvanced electronic erotic stim ulation EE2368: Burnt com ponent odors. Useful for troubleshooting. EE2468: Finding the most explosive com ponents EN0001: English for T A 's - Taught by Q. Karahusakam asheeka, EE EN1000: English as a first language EN1010: English for the barely literate H U 010I: Social living in a frat - 10 credits ID0043: Introduction to sun worshipping ID 1022: Laundry for freshmen ME3477: Advanced rubber duck design ME3478: Advanced rubber design NR 1000: Introduction to effective punting PE9876: A erobics for blobs PE6969: Sexual education for engineering students (consortium w /B ecker - lab course) PE6970: Advanced sexual positions (consortium lab with Clark) PY5467: Philosophy and LSD S S I000: Introduction to common sense
F e b b u re ry
N O SEBLEED
T he Last P;
What the Fuck is Going On?
2490
| POLICE LOG
Friday, April 1,1988
12:00am - “What Happened to Head?” prayer vigile on the Quad. Dress - choir robes and hoods. 12:30am - Prayer vigil convenes to the Acapulco for buffalo wings and song. 7:59am - Classes cancelled until further notice. Students not responsible for homework or exams until next year. 8:30am - Strauss holds press conference to discuss changes at WPI (i.e. nudist colony, Swaggert,14 week terms, no more IQP or MQP’s, and the new dormitory to be built on the football Held.) 9:00am - New issue of N udespeek hits the stands, hot o ff the press, D aniels Hall. 10:00am - Cow Eta Pi “G et P syched” lessons, A.K.A. How to increase the number of exclam ation points in your w riting, U pper W edge. 12:00pm - O bscure poet n o body’s heard o f (sponsored by Succock) - get your tickets early, and get psyched!, tens o f thousands expected! !!!(Can you tell that we went to the C ow Eta Pi class a tl0 :0 0 ?!) W e don’t know where it is though!!!!!!!!!! 1:00pm - G alleria G irls will be signing autographs in wedge until they drop. Free H ammer and Chisel kits for all, 1:30-5:00pm - “ Jim m y” posters for sale - pictures o f Jimmy Sw aggert, Jim Baker, Jim M cKay, and Jimmy “ the G reek” S nyder doing what they do best - nothing. Low er W edge. 5:00-6:30pm - D aka C o-sponsors “ Last S upper” with the C am pus religious Center, in honor o f the upcom ing holiday, M organ Hall. 7:00pm - Jimmy Sw aggert is guest speaker at the Streakers C lub m eeting, Piedmont St. BYOB (B ring your own Bim bo). 9:00pm - WPI vs. W orcester V ocational Technical Institute, Integration Bee, YMCA. 10:00pm - Party till you drop. 11:00pm - Puke your brains out contest, President's O ffice.
STUDENT SPECIAL
S anreamer's $11.00
with Student I.D.
WASH - CUT - BLOWJOB Our Reg. $13.50
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237 Piedmont Str. Woostah, MA
compiled by Sgt. Sturgeon Ding W e ’ve finally gotten a police log, so here it is:
Friday, March 25 8:30 am - Police dispatched to break up a fight in a m athematics class in Boynton Hall. No problem s. 4:00 pm - Nuclear reactor on campus e x plodes during visit by Skull Honor Society. All m em bers were irradiated and tied into the W oostah sew er system. 7:00 pm - Vandals caught stealing lum ber from the Olin Hall building project.
Saturday, March 26 12:30 pm - Food fight in G om pei's C afete ria. New DAKA m anagem ent took care o f problem before police arrived. 4:(X) pm - O fficers sent to prevent distur bances during the anti- Vietnam protest on the quad. 8:00 pm - N eighbor o f the WPI com m unity into station to report that the HEAD Honor Society was burning skulls on her lawn. O ffi cer responds but HEAD was gone.
c h ief found in downtown W oostah w aiting for G alleria to open. Quoted as saying, “ I want to get my hair done just like the G alleria G irls.” She was escorted back to cam pus to sober up. 1:45 am - N eighbors call again about noise. O fficer dispatched. t 2:00 am - N eighbors call again. Lamda Chi raided. All members arrested. 72 women returned to Becker dorm s. 40 kegs o f beer confiscated.
Tuesday, March 29 10:46 am - Student caught by O fficer steal ing 2000 copies o f N udespeek. Student was part of a ring that was reselling issues at $1.00 each to the G alleria Girls. U ndercover team of SO P (students on palrol) formed to infiltrate organization. 5:00 pm - Student limps into infirmary holding bloody stump o f leg. She had suppos edly fallen from a Stratton window. Police escorted her to hospital. 12:10 am - Students at Founder’s complain o f loud noise from police station. SOP discov ers party in progress, all officers drinking beer from kegs. SO P confiscates rem aining kegs, crisis averted. W ednesday, March 30
Sunday, March 27 9:37 am - Forty car accident reported o u t side o f Daniels Hall. Reports are all forty vehicles are members of Theta Chi and will handle between them selves any paper work. 10:19 pm - Student in to report that he had ju st been assaulted outside Morgan. G ave a d e scription resembling know n criminal. Police officer arrested suspect. Suspect hanged next m orning. 11:10 pm - Report o f drunken N udespeek editors led by the rebellious Frenzied Ferret running around the quad in their underwear. Pictures taken and editors held until they so bered up.
M onday, M arch 28 12:44 am - N eighbors o f Lamda Chi call com plaining about noise from party. F rater nity advised to lower volume. 1:30 am - D runken N udespeek editor-in-
1:00 pm - Emergency call received on station answ ering m achine while police were at Dunkin Donuts. No name was left on the m achine so call ignored. Thursday, March 31 10:09 am - O fficer from W oostah Police com es to cam pus with w arrent to arrest N ude speek B usiness Manager. G unfight ensued. A fter shooting three policem en, editor taken alive. 1:09 pm - Student calls in to report som e thing but c a n ’t rem em ber what. 5:00 pm - O fficer reports sm all leaf fire outside o f Fuller A partm ents. Entire cam pus evacuated. N ational G uard called in, and W oostah Fire D epartm ent called to insure that fire is rem oved. 6:00 pm - N udespeek colum nist found dis m em bered in plastic bag outside A tw ater Kent. W oostah Police advised.
As a public service to the WPI community, Nudespeek would like to tell you about the following in order to help you make an informed choice next you have to decide:
Safe Sex Kit
Unsafe Sex Kit
Stupid Sex Kit
Becker
reliable convenient re-usable discreet won’t steal your shirt you know where it’s been
reliable convenient disposable indiscreet will steal your shirt you don’t know where they’ve been
reliable inconvenient re-usable lack of privacy may cause tearage It's been left out in all sorts of weather
The Last
F e b b u re rv
NOSEBLEED
2490
|POLICE LOG
What the Fuck is Going On? Friday, April 1 ,1 9 8 8 12:00am - “W hat Happened to H ead?” prayer vigile on the Quad. D ress - choir robes and hoods. 12:30am - Prayer vigil convenes to the A capulco for buffalo w ings and song. 7:59am - Classes cancelled until further notice. Students not responsible for hom ew ork or exam s until next year. 8:30am - Strauss holds press conference to discuss changes at W PI (i.e. nudist colony, Sw aggert,14 week term s, no more IQP or M Q P ’s, and the new dorm itory to be built on the football field.) 9:00am - New issue o f Nudespeek hits the stands, hot o ff the press, Daniels Hall. 10:00am - Cow Eta Pi “Get Psyched” lessons. A.K.A. How to increase the num ber of exclam ation points in your w riting, U pper W edge. 12:00pm - O bscure poet nobody's heard o f (sponsored by Succock) - get your tickets early, and get psyched!, tens of thousands expected!!!!(C an you tell that we w ent to the Cow Eta Pi class atl0 :0 0 ?!) We d o n ’t know w here it is though!!!!!!!!!! 1:00pm - G alleria G irls will be signing autographs in wedge until they drop. Free H am m er and Chisel kits for all. 1:30-5:00pm - “Jim m y” posters for sale - pictures o f Jimmy Sw aggert, Jim Baker, Jim McKay, and Jim m y “the G reek” Snyder doing what they do best - nothing. Low er Wedge. 5:00-6:30pm - D aka C o-sponsors “Last Supper” with the C am pus religious Center, in honor o f the upcoming holiday, M organ Hall. 7:00pm - Jimmy Swaggert is guest speaker at the Streakers C lub meeting. Piedm ont St. BYOB (Bring your ow n Bimbo). 9:00pm - W PI vs. W orcester V ocational Technical Institute, Integration Bee, YMCA. 10:00pm - Party till you drop. 11:00pm - Puke your brains out contest. President’s Office.
STUDENT SPECIAL
S anreamer's $11.00
with Student I.D.
WASH - CUT - BLOWJOB Our Reg. $13.50
793-5000 Appt. or W alk In
237 Piedmont Str. Woostah, MA
compiled by Sgl. Sturgeon Ding W e’ve finally gotten a police log, so here it is:
Friday, March 25 8:30 am - Police dispatched to break up a fight in a mathematics class in Boynton Hall. No problems. 4:00 pm - Nuclear reactor on cam pus ex plodes during visit by Skull H onor Society. All mem bers were irradiated and fled into the W oostah sew er system. 7:00 pm - Vandals caught stealing lum ber from the Olin Hall building project.
Saturday, March 26 12:30 pm - Food fight in G om pei's C afete ria. New DAKA m anagem ent took care o f problem before police arrived. 4:00 pm - Officers sent to prevent distur bances during the anti- Vietnam protest on the quad. 8:00 pm - Neighbor o f the WPI com m unity into station to report that the HEAD H onor Society was burning skulls on her lawn. O ffi cer responds but HEAD was gone.
chief found in dow ntow n W oostah waiting for Galleria to open. Quoted as saying, “I want to get my hair done just like the G alleria Girls.” She was escorted back to cam pus to sober up. 1:45 am - Neighbors call again about noise. O fficer dispatched. i 2:00 am - Neighbors call again. Lamda Chi raided. All m em bers arrested. 72 women returned to Becker dorms. 40 kegs o f beer confiscated.
Tuesday, March 29 10:46 am - Student caught by O fficer steal ing 20(H) copies o f N udespeek. Student was part of a ring that was reselling issues at $1.00 each to the G alleria Girls. U ndercover team of SOP (students on patrol) formed to infiltrate organization. 5:00 pni - Student limps into infirmary holding bloody stump o f leg. She had suppos edly fallen from a Stratton window. Police escorted her to hospital. 12:10 am - Students at Founder’s complain o f loud noise from police station. SOP discov ers party in progress, all officers drinking beer from kegs. SOP confiscates rem aining kegs, crisis averted.
W ednesday, March 30 Sunday, March 27 9:37 am - Forty car accident reported out side o f Daniels Hall. Reports are all forty vehicles are members o f Theta Chi and will handle between them selves any paper work. 10:19 pm - Student in to report that he had just been assaulted outside Morgan. G ave a de scription resembling know n criminal. Police officer arrested suspect. Suspect hanged next morning. 11:10 pm - Report o f drunken N udespeek editors led by the rebellious Frenzied Ferret running around the quad in their underw ear. Pictures taken and editors held until they so bered up.
M onday, March 28 12:44 am - N eighbors o f Lamda C hi call com plaining about noise from party. F rater nity advised to lower volume. 1:30 am - Drunken N udespeek editor-in-
1:00 pm - Emergency call received on station answering machine while police were at Dunkin Donuts. No name was left on the m achine so call ignored.
Thursday, March 31 10:09 am - O fficer from W oostah Police com es to cam pus with warrent to arrest Nude speek Business Manager. G unfight ensued. A fter shooting three policem en, editor taken alive. 1:09 pm - Student calls in to report some thing but can ’t rem em ber what. 5:00 pm - O fficer reports sm all leaf fire outside of Fuller Apartm ents. Entire campus evacuated, National G uard called in, and W oostah Fire Departm ent called to insure that fire is removed. 6:00 pm - Nudespeek colum nist found dis m em bered in plastic bag outside A tw ater Kent. W oostah Police advised.
As a public service to the WPI community, Nudespeek would like to tell you about the following in order to help you make an informed choice next you have to decide:
Safe Sex Kit
Unsafe Sex Kit
Stupid Sex Kit
Becker
reliable convenient re-usable discreet won’t steal your shirt you know where it’s been
reliable convenient disposable indiscreet will steal your shirt you don’t know where they’ve been
reliable inconvenient re-usable lack of privacy may cause tearage It’s been left out in all sorts of weather