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S L O O F L N I O I R AP EDIT
THE WILL-UH-MET
OLLEGIAN SINCE 1389 • VOL PCKJLH • ISSUE 24• APRIL 3, ????
REEFER
A very real contest! (seriously)
MADNESS
Crazy new plant Find out how to takes school by win two tickets to see comedian, storm. Maria Bamford.
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NEWZ
Urgent news: Campus overtaken by time rift
TOE ERRRMAN
NEWS EDITOR (PAST, PRESENT, FUTURE)
The past, present and future have become entangled on campus by the apparent catastrophic failure of a time travel device commissioned from Professor Archibald Nutkayse of the Mad Science department by President Stefan Odinsett. The malfunction apparently occurred (or will occur) sometime around March 22, 2013, though the temporal disruption makes certainty about this impossible. The rift has caused multiple disruptions in the normal campus routine. Among the more notable of these disruptions are the spontaneous time portals that randomly open and shut in hallways and walkways, stranding people and property in alternate timelines. No injuries or deaths have yet been reported, but some students and faculty are unaccounted for and are suspected to be trapped in alternate timelines. Facilities reports that it is working on installing inter-dimensional powered walkways to allow students, staff, and faculty to move safely between rooms and buildings, but reminds readers that these walkways consume electricity. Environmentally conscious individuals might consider greener means of transportation, such as psycho-kinetic teleportation or wooly mammoths. Those who do not own a mammoth may rent one from The Bike Shop. In response to the time rift incident, the Registrar issued the following statement: “As is the case with any large-scale disaster, we will not be suspending school. Class cancellations will occur at the discretion of faculty. Please contact your professors, space-professors or tribe leaders for further information.” Despite causing many complications and difficulties, the time rift has had the upshot of improving Willamette’s available course selection. Depending on what timeline they’re in, students may now choose from a variety of courses that are either not yet or no longer offered. See TIME RIFT, Page 3
ALLY SZETO (WHO BRAVELY SACRIFICED HER 2013 LIFE FOR THIS PICTURE, SHE IS ASSUMED TO BE IN 2048.)
If you see a time portal, please evacuate the area immediately and contact Campus Safety... and the National Guard. Please do not purposefully jump into the portal, they have not been deemed safe to travel through. Time travel may result in injury, dismemberment, skin scales, blindness, infatuation with MLB, peladophobia, anablephbia, pentheraphobia, or meth addiction.
SPORTS
FACTS
MICHELLE LASHLEY
MAXWELL MENSINGER
Hear ye, hear ye — the field has been set, the armor prepared and the horses chosen. The tournament is about to begin. No, you have not traveled back in time — it is the beginning of the Willamette Bearcats annual jousting tournament. Started nearly four years ago, jousting provides an outlet for students who find traditional sports just a little too mainstream for their tastes. “If I wanted to throw around balls like a peasant, maybe I would have joined one of the more ‘traditional’ sports,” said junior Eva Michalak. Michalak, who has already unseated four opponents this season, is currently leading the Northwest division, and her success comes as no surprise. Recruited out of the state of Maryland (where jousting is the state’s official sport), Michalak’s skill with the lance has held the team together. “Eva is the heart of this team,” said Coach Pendragon. “Her chivalry knows no bounds.” Despite their success, the team has faced controversy—both on and off the field. In the first tourney of the season, to the shock of her teammates, it was discovered that senior team captain Emma Reagan was caught using a corked lance. For the offense, Reagan was indefinitely suspended and spent two days in the stocks. “I don’t know what came over me,” said Reagan. “I have disgraced myself and my family.” See JOUSTING, Page 9
Fifty years ago, our lord and savior Kim Jong Un brought home the bacon, or rather, the seared flesh of this world’s imperialist pigs, fried perfectly to a crisp by his glorious nuclear arsenal. They ruthlessly publicized our great leader as an arrogant pup flexing his muscles to no avail. Yet, our defiant, heavenly sovereign displayed true brilliance by defeating MEDIA.NPR.ORG the blasphemous Westerners and unveiling for us true freedom. He Our glorious leader. slapped the shackles and chains of liberty on the wrists and ankles of every soul, and through every gunshot made way for a peaceful world centered around the betterment of every person in existence. Unlike before, our living conditions are superbly adequate. In olden times, people worried about things like “income” and “taxes,” but now those responsibilities have been lifted off of our shoulders and handed down to several more capable hands with superior insight into the necessities of our lives.
This joust in: Willamette unseated For North Amerikorea
MERLIN’S BEARD
INDEX
MITCH WOOD
COMRADE
NEWS
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ROYALFAIRES.COM
Jousting captain prepares to kill an opponent with a stick
REVIEWS
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LIFESTYLE
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Fun fact: Our campus is a nudist colony
SPORTS
COMRADE
S CT
FA8-9
See TAME ANIMALS, Page 11
OPINIONS
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This Friday...
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NEWZ
WILLAMETTE COLLEGIAN
Campus Safety Report Dark, Ancient Past – Distant Space-Future Information provided by Campus Safety PARKING VIOLATION March 10, 3314CE 11:41 a.m. (Kaneko Parking Lot): Student was found in violation of parking regulations for the 23rd time after vertically double-parking her space car. The student was fined and a report was forewarded to the campus judicial office. March 10, 100,001BCE 1:19 p.m. (Sparks Parking Lot): Student was found in severe violation of parking regulations after he failed to properly tie up his woolly mammoth mount. After being spooked by the noise of the train, the animal trampled and smashed a number of space-cars. The student was fined and a report was forwarded to the campus judicial office. March 12, 1885CE 4:11 p.m. (Softball Field Parking Lot): Campus Safety received a telegram that a student had doubled-parked his horse and cart. The student was shot. EMERGENCY MEDICAL AID March 1, 1881CE 3:24 p.m. (Haseldorf House): Campus Safety received a telegram that a student had been bitten by a rattle snake. A Campus Safety officer evaluated the student and determined that she was beyond medical help. The student was then shot. March 21, 1889CE 7:56 a.m. (Mill Stream): Campus Safety received a telegram that a student had been shot in a gunfight. After being evaluated by a Campus Safety officer, the student was shot to put him out of his misery. POSSESSION OF A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE March 19, 1912CE 6:31 p.m. (Casscadia House): Two students reported to Campus Safety that the odor of tequila was coming from a room. A Campus Safety officer investigated and discovered that the room was actually a speakeasy. After an ensuing bar fight, the occupants of the speakeasy escaped from the officer by jumping into a time portal. March 23, 9445CE 12:34 p.m. (Doney Hall): Campus Safety received a quantum text-message about the odor of yellow coming from a room. A Campus Safety officer investigated and found three students in possession of the synesthesia– inducing drug Synthexia. the students were cooperative and their paraphernalia was confiscated. A report was forwarded to the campus judicial office. POLICY VIOLATION Mar. 30, 1969 c.e. 8:03 p.m. (Doney Hall): A Campus Safety Officer noticed a student attempting to load an intercontinental ballistic missile into the back of his truck. The officer confronted the student, who was not cooperative. After detaining the student, the officer found Marxist writings in the student’s vehicle and apartment. The student was issued a citation for being a communist and a report was forwarded to the Campus Judicial Office. PUBLIC INDECENCY March 27, 1595, 10:30 p.m. (Globe Theatre): Ye Olde actor playing the Fool in Shakespeare’s newest play was caught courting the Faire lady playing the Queen. Campus Safety issued a verbal warning and 15 lashes. CIVILIAN INSUBORDINANCE March 22, 2130, 8:23 p.m.: A civilian of the great nation Amerikorea was spotted smiling and under heavy suspicion of thinking freely. Our Dear Leader blessed him with a quick and painful death after a speedy non-trial, and he should thank the Blessed Sovereign for such grace. GOOD LUCK CONTACTING CAMPUS SAFETY IF YOU HAVE ANY PROBLEMS. WE’RE NOT SURE WHERE THEY ARE IN THE TIME-SPACE CONTINUUM.
EDITOR IN CHIEF John Lind | jlind@willamette.edu MANAGING EDITOR Hannah Moser | hmoser@willamette.edu PRODUCTION MANAGER Jenna Shellan | jshellan@willamette.edu NEWS EDITOR Thomas Ehrmann | tehrmann@willamette.edu LIFESTYLE EDITOR Brett Scruton | bscruton@willamette.edu REVIEWS EDITOR Alison Ezard | aezard@willamette.edu SPORTS EDITOR Sean Dart | sdart@willamette.edu
APRIL 3, 1902
Bon Appétit buys out The Bistro RYAN YAMBR0
SWAG WRITER They never spell my name right...
The Willamette Bistro is under new ownership. On March 22, 2013, a contract was finalized between the Bistro and Bon Appétit Management Company to transfer ownership of the studentrun business to the campus food service provider. In mid-April, the former Bistro will re-open as a newly-renovated “Commons Café,” joining the ranks of other Bon Appétit food options on campus: Goudy Commons, Kaneko Commons and the Cat Cavern. Bon Appétit employees will staff the café, and the menu will reflect the daily Goudy options. Sophomore Mick Nead is a former Bistro employee. He had been involved in negotiations with Bon Appétit and was pleased by the outcome. “This just made sense to us,” Nead said. “There comes a time in every business’ life where it just becomes too big for its own good. We had two options: quit or sell the Bistro.” There are few details about the terms of the contract, but there is speculation that the Bistro employees were offered a lucrative sum of money, as well as shares in Bon Appétit’s company.
The managers of the Bistro were unwilling to comment on the Bistro’s balance sheet or the financial aspects of the buy-out, but Associate Vice President for Financial Affairs Rob Bolson had a general idea of the numbers. “We (the university administrators) were contacted about taking ownership of the Bistro,” Bolson said. “But we couldn’t match the offer. The Bistro’s assets are among Willamette’s best-kept secrets. All I can tell you is that we are talking about millions of dollars.” Shortly after the contract finalization, Bistro employees were seen wearing flashier-than-usual attire. Sophomore Pacey Keterson spotted junior Wike Made wearing designer clothes. “Yeah I saw him,” Keterson said. “It seemed a little suspicious to me. He was in Montag buying Naked juices and dozens of microwaveable pizzas. He had a Louis Vuitton wallet and Gucci loafers.” When asked about employees’ gaudy appearance, Nead quickly defended them. “That’s just how some people choose to spend their money,” Nead said, sporting a pinky ring. “I, myself, have decided to invest.” News of the change in ownership was greeted with mixed reac-
tion by students. Sophomore Fitch Molvin described himself as “disillusioned” when he found out about the terms of the contact. “This news is definitely not something I wanted to hear,” Molvin said. “’The Man’ needs to get his dirty paws out of my food.” Others were not concerned about the money and welcomed the change in ownership. “I’m a big fan of Goudy, and this is just icing on the cake,” Pacine Jasswaters said. “I especially look forward to their ‘Drink Your Food’ options.” Regardless of student sentiment, it seems that the Commons Café is here to stay. On a recent Monday afternoon, work crews were removing tables and artwork from the location. Contractors were also seen demolishing walls and replacing the glass façade. It appears that other student-run businesses have caught on to the Bistro trend. Recently, “For Lease” signs have been spotted in the windows of the Bike Shop and the Mill Stream Market. “That just seems to be the general trend these days,” Bolson said. “I think it’s just a sign of the times.” ryambra@willamette.edu
WITZ ‘Better than Printing’ campaign replaces all printers with stonemasons NATALIE PATE CUT AND PATE
The stonemason chisels away at the massive slab of rock as sweat trickles down his neck. His hands are blistered, and his skin gleams with the product of a hard day’s work. Meanwhile, students stand by, impatiently waiting for their work, or seductively staring as the stonemason carries on. After the time travel device failure, WITZ has been extremely hesitant to use THOMAS EHRMANN, NINA BERGER, AND MINERDESCENE.COM any piece of technology, worried it may harm the The general reception of the new “printers” has ranged from “incredibly annoying” to students still able to remain “unbelievably sexy.” in this timeline. This com“I could stare at them for hours,” Ford said. “They are bined with conservation initiatives under their “Better than Printing” campaign, they have replaced all printers so chiseled, and their biceps are bulging! Forget class!” While some students lie in the sun or splash in the Mill on campus in all various locations with stonemasons. Stream to fill the waiting time, students in favor of the stoneThe decision has caused mixed reactions on campus. “These stonemasons know little of our time, but they masons have formed the Stonemason’s Awareness Coaliwork diligently and without question,” said Director of tion, known on campus as SAC. These students fight for fair WITZ Colin Haseldorf. “They are precise and will not pay and equal rights for the stonemasons, as well as hiring be a risk for those students who now fear technology. Al- workers of all genders, ethnicities and original timelines. According to SAC’s President and Founder junior though we are now spending money on their salaries, it is worth knowing they will not send us randomly into Matthew Rogers, one of the most beloved stonemason’s on campus, is Eaton Waller. Waller said he feels very supanother timeline!” Though Haseldorf believes this will encourage stu- ported by the organization. “We work hard,” Waller said. His face was stiff and still dents to work ahead, many students are complaining about the amount of time these workers take. Senior Bax- until he started talking about SAC, when his eyes filled with tears. “We do good work but never get recognized. It ter Smullin said that he will not stand for this. “It’s like they think we have all day,” Smullin said, is time to get recognized. SAC makes that possible. “We may have to fight for ourselves, but the Willaraising his voice. “We don’t have hours to wait as some sweaty, dirty guys stab away at broken bits of stone. The mette students need us in these troubling times. We are so glad that so many of them are fighting with us!” professors are crazy for still assigning things right now.” Not all students are complaining though. Junior Cascadia npate@willamette.edu Ford says she wishes Willamette had employed them sooner.
OPINIONS EDITOR Marissa Bertucci | mbertucc@willamette.edu FEATURE EDITOR Colleen Smyth | csmyth@willamette.edu DESIGNERS Nina Berger• Elize Manoukian• Colleen Smyth COPY EDITOR/WEB EDITOR Kelley Villa COPY EDITOR Nick Borriello AD MANAGER Beatriz Leon-Gomez | bleongom@willamette.edu BUSINESS MANAGER Darrin Ginoza | dginoza@willamette.edu
SUBSCRIPTION MANAGER Eva Michalak | emichala@willamette.edu WEBMASTER Lucas Miller | lcmiller@willamette.edu PHOTO EDITOR Ally Szeto | aszeto@willamette.edu POLICIES The contents of this publication are the responsibility of the staff of the Willamette University Collegian and do not necessarily reflect the policies of ASWU or Willamette University.
APRIL 3, 1747
NEWZ
Student beats the stock market with time travel CAMILLE BEBLAHBLAHBLAH SAMURAI MASTER
Taking advantage of the rampant time flux on campus, CLA student Lauren Muffett has made herself obscenely rich by buying Microsoft shares in the past. How many shares, you ask? ALL of the shares. Muffet borrowed the Mad Science department’s time travel device, journeyed back to 1987 and invested in Microsoft at 25 cents a share, then headed straight on till the turn of the century and sold all her stock at its peak price. At last, she returned to the present day, where she let loose a scream of victory that witnesses claim rivaled the volume of a train whistle on East Side. Some students and faculty members have criticized Muffett for insensitivity, claiming that she is exploiting this catastrophe even as they mourn the loss of the many members of the Willamette community who have been stranded in alternate time periods. “Everyone else was totally freaking out when the time rift happened, but as a double major in Econ and Avarice, I naturally saw how I could use this situation to make bank,” Muffet said. “If anyone has a problem with that, it’s because they’re jealous they didn’t think of it
first... Although I guess ‘first’ is kind of an irrelevant concept now that time has no meaning.” Muffett said the biggest challenge of her financial success has been realizing that she has absolutely no idea what to do with all that cash. She had planned to spend a good portion of it on Barz Bars and London Fogs, but upon her return to the present she discovered that the Bistro become the subject of a buyout by Bon Appétit and that there would be no more London Fogs or Buzz Bars, not for anyone. Much to her disappointment, Muffett also discovered that her new found wealth cannot buy friendship, love, or happiness. After wallpapering her room with Benjamins and designing an all-money outfit for the next “ABC” (Anything But Clothing) party, Muffett ran out of ideas for wasting her fortune and resorted to seeking advice from her sorority sisters in Theta Beta Eta. “Being the world’s richest college student is not all it’s cracked up to be,” Muffett said. “My Theta Beta Eta sisters and I have decided to donate all of the remaining money to our new philanthropy, Saving Babies and Puppies from the Time Portals.” cdebrecz@willamette.edu
PETCONKA.COM
The stock Exchange, once a harbinger of advanced technology and foreward-though, never wrote any regulation about insider trading via time travel. ADVERTISEMENT
NEWS@WU
WILLAMETTE COLLEGIAN 3
• Noah builds ark in fear of second Salem flood. • Hipsters claim to have been into Jurassic Park when it was still Triassic Park. • Adam and Eve release new product to campus, Naked Juice. • Wulapalooza to feature obscure new stoner band, Pink Floyd. • After 20 years of successfully printing the “HEY YOU!” section, the Willamette Collegian has discovered that every flirtatious “HEY YOU!” message has been written by the same person – an individual who goes by the name “Soup Can Sam the Hobo.” • Nutria bounties attract foreign exchange students from 19th century. • In an attempted hostile takeover, ResLife invaded Residential Services on Thursday. Residential Services repelled the invaders. • In retaliation to Thursday’s attack, Residential Services released a lion in Reslife’s offices on Saturday. Reslife defenders eventually ejected the lion. • On Monday, Reslife and Residential Services settled their differences and merged to form one department: the WU Department of Livey-Things and Other Stuff Too. All employees remaining alive will be retained. • John Lind, Editor and Chief of the Collegian, assembled six chairs yesterday. YOU GO JOHN! • Bistro rebels dump Bon Appétit tea into the Mill Stream. • The toilet paper is currently accepting applications for the position of “Spelling and Grammar Checker.” • Chemistry department officially announced that its major is the best major, and that its students work harder than any others. • Mr. T to speak at this year’s commencement. “I pity the fool who misses this year’s ceremony,” T said. • Despite prolonged and extensive protests, Campus Security has announced that additional parking will not be made available. Security Director Haytam Pyrite commented, “Why do you even need parking spaces when our space-cars can fly?!”
Submit news briefs to wunewsbriefs@gmail.com
TIME RIFT: Time portals create havoc for WU campus CONTINUED from Page 1 Such courses include “Prospecting 214: How to cook for four with nothing but salt, bacon grease and disappointment;” “Music 331: Aural Quantum Actuators and Tri-Spectral Instrumentation;” “Politics 105: First-Contact Ceremonies with Sapient Species and Interplanetary War;” and “Shamanism 449: Hallucinogenic Herbs and OHMYGODSPIDERS!!!” Although how its fatal malfunction occurred is still unknown, the time machine behind the temporal rift is known to have been built, not on the university’s dollar, but by private funds. Specifically, it is the result of an interdisciplinary technology development project between the Math, Physics and Mad Science departments, commissioned by President Stefan Odinsett. On his involvement with the project, Odinsett stated, “The goal was to establish my legacy in a way that was both unique and useful to the Willamette community. My predecessor Leon Pelting made a similar contribution with the weather machine project.” Indeed, former President Pelting’s weather machine had a quite similar genesis to Odinsett’s time machine. It too was created by an interdisciplinary tech development venture, though it was the Chemistry, Biology and Environmental Science departments that teamed up with the Mad Science department to create the infamous weather machine. Professor Ursula Frahnkensteen, head of the Mad Science department, remarked, “Though Mad may have somewhat less prestige than other fields of science, the contributions this department has made to the university
DE LAURENTIIS ENTERTAINMENT GROUP AND UNIVERSAL PICTURES
Nutkayse’s device flies in the face of traditional time machine design, using dimensional portals instead of phone booths or modified 80s sports cars.
are undeniable.” In spite of the malfunction and the time rift, Frahnkensteen asserted her satisfaction with the device. She said, “It’s not a malfunction; it’s a feature. I am very pleased with Dr. Nutkayse’s work- he built a working time machine, just as requested, and even managed to get it to run on a fuel source other than captured freshmen.” She added, “Mind you, I’m not entirely sure what fuel it DOES take. I’d ask Professor Nutkayse, if only he hadn’t been time-warped into the distant space-future the moment he powered the machine up. It’s a shame, really. He owes me money.” terhman@willamette.edu
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REVIEWS
WILLAMETTE COLLEGIAN
ALBUM REVIEW: “Hot Flash” by Justin Bieber
APRIL 3, 1955
ARTIST REVIEW: Elvis Presley
Bieber’s ‘Hot New singer brainwashing teens Flash’ no flash in the pan CARLA OREGANO GUEST WRITER
LANE STARLING CONTRIBUTOR
For a semi-demonic life form that transitioned jazz hands into jazz tentacles so slowly we didn’t even notice, Justin Bieber still gets an amazing amount of traction out of the same, tired themes. From the shocking leak of his first sex tapecum-hit single in late 2018 (whose participants spanned twelve nationalities, a plurality of Spice Girls, and three U.S. presidential administrations), to the 2042 release of his triple-x/tripleplatinum erotic Gregorian chants, it’s no secret that Justin Bieber has used his somewhat tempestuous sexual history as the genesis, exodus, and/ or Leviticus for much of his musical and olfactory related output. And while “Booty.Hot.Flash.,” Justin Bieber’s 97th studio debut, isn’t the first time the 135-year-old artist has sought truth through humping, this seminal insemination is a welcome change in prophylactics. On “LubriCAN’T [Feat. MC Rodham, Hologram Justin Bieber, and Koko the signing chimp],” Bieber thrusts his way toward tonal potency, crafting a diatonic ode that pays homage to 15 centuries of chromatic modulation while somehow playing only C chords and the audio recordings of Shamu. Later, with a lyrical control and tonal mastery that is simultaneously Kafka- and Reaganesque, Bieber (and longtime songwriting collaborator Bernie Taupin) produces some of their most emotive monosyllabic utterances ever. On “c(ROT)ch,” Bieber croaks out a woeful ballad made to his mistress’ eyebrow, singing “Baby? Baby! Oh…/ Oh, baby! Oh?... [x32].” Deploying the tired but trustworthy song structure of outro, bridge, chorus, outro 2: electric boogaloo, chorus, outro, this tune is notable only for Bieber’s unorthodox use of analog vocal chords, producing a horrible cacophony of shrill notes that are more pleasing to the spleen than to the ear. Meanwhile, on “Il ritorno d’Ulisse en patria,” Bieber returns to his classic operatic form, combining both traditional monody with a lilting arioso set for the mezzo-soprano. Written in Justin’s native Canadian, “d’Ulisse” tells the story of L’umana Fortuna, a physical manifestation of human fragility searching for true love – and Pisandro, a randy shepherd. Roughly translated, the work is usually preformed under the title “Mr. DancePants.” Likewise, “c(ROT)ch II: Part Deux [DJ BanjoKazooie Remix],” the album’s fourteenth track, serves as a startling memento mori which symbolically reminds the listener that we all will die, preferably while wearing hot pants, fool. Lastly, there’s “Dirty But Whole,” the album’s heart, soul, and lower left tibia, a moving tribute to the death of Bieber’s pet hamster, played using only the glockenspiel, the Casio Zamboni, and ultraviolet light. As the album cantilevers along its x-axis before dividing by the square root of negative zero, “Booty.Hot.Flash.” stands finally as an ethereal melding of mind and body that remixes the corporeal with the intangible without ever stopping to wonder how it will be able to poop in spirit form. While the record may present itself as a retroactive ejaculation to all that has come and gone, Bieber’s emission is ultimately both a triumphant failure and available for purchase at Walmart. Perhaps His lord regency Bieber himself (Fifth Duchess of Devonshire) said it best: “Writing about music is like dancing about architecture… it’s all in the hips/ With a booty pop twist.” May his booty rest in peace. Amen.
zsparlin@willamette.edu
Don’t ever listen to Elvis Presley again, fool. After watching him perform in the Milton Berle Show last week, I realized that he is truly a danger to our society. Last January, Presley released his debut single “Heartbreak Hotel,” and since then the radio has played almost nothing but him. No doubt the repetition of his music is due to his large number of fans, particularly those of the female persuasion. At the start of Presley’s tour this past spring, he made his first appearance on the Milton Berle Show, which I did not have the opportunity to watch. From what I have heard, however, teenagers, except for my wholesome, Christian friends, loved him.I decided to heaer his music and see his moves for myself at his second appearance at the Milton Berle Show. It was during his cover of blues singer Big Mama Thornton’s “Hound Dog” that I realized what my friends were talking about. In order to update the tune, Elvis added drums, a guitar, and a cello to create an upbeat version of the song that made him—and his audience in their seats—dance.
Everything was fine and dandy until he waved his hand for the band to stop playing. He then pointed at the audience, sang, “You ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog,” and started moving in an explicit and sexual way. He spread his legs wide and raised himself up and down from the balls of his feet while he thrust his pelvis forward and back toward his microphone stand. The rest of the show was just as appalling. He drew attention to his pelvis by repeatedly shaking his hips and bottom. The worst part was the audience full of teenagers cheering him on. Presley’s gyration could ruin our society. His explicit dance moves stray away from God’s Word and could teach us that there is no harm in being reckless—that, in fact, it can even be a little enjoyable—and tempt us to things that should be saved for marriage. Elvis Presley is not good for us, fool. We need music that will help us grow to be good sons and daughters of our Lord. Therefore, I beseech you, my readers, to talk to each other about the dangers of this man, this menace. Lead your friends back to good music, such as gospel and hymnal music.
IMAGES.WIKIA.COM
Pelvis Presley makes the girls quake when his hips shake.
porrego@willamette.edu
RESTAURANT REVIEW: Denny’s
California diner chain expands to Salem BRAIN RARE COLUMNIST
Over spring break, this reviewer decided it was time to try something new, something never before done in my short (but sweet) history as a guy who eats at and then writes about places that seem interesting and delicious. That’s right, folks. For the first time ever, I am reviewing a chain restaurant. However, unless you’re from around its southern California origins, chances are it’s a chain you have yet to experience. Formerly a modest breakfast outpost by the name of Danny’s Donuts, the newly named Denny’s Diner, which promises breakfast at all hours of the day and night, has just opened its first out-of-state location in our lovely little Oregon capital city. And so, feeling adventurous this past Friday night (Saturday morning), a few friends and I not-so-soberly strolled over to this newest bastion of American inge-
nuity to revel in the sort of 3 a.m. breakfast that is not soon remembered. Once inside, I was quick to note an interior that proved about as thrilling as the food itself. Red plush booths and fake wood chairs and tables dominated an expansive dining room filled to capacity with other packs of weary, ravenous insomniacs whose blank expressions told me all I needed to know about their current mental states. After a few minutes, a sleepy middleaged woman seated us and proceeded to gradually close and then immediately reopen her eyes as she struggled to both take our orders and stay awake and upright. Thankfully, our entire six person troupe jumped for the Denny’s Grand Slam, a brand new menu addition that promises cheap breakfast eats and an obligatory baseball reference to ensure its instant status as Americana (a two-fer!). After a lengthy wait, six Grand Slams arrived brimming with anticlimactic lackluster. My own Grand Slam re-
WIN TICKETS TO SEE COMEDIAN MARIA BAMFORD ON APRIL 4
THe Collegian is offering two free tickets to see comedian Maria Bamford tomorrow night at 7 p.m. at the Historic Grand Theatre in downtown Salem to whoever can guess the correct amount of times the word ‘fool’ was hidden in this issue. Email your guess to <jlind> by midnight!
sembled more of a bundt, with a cold, withered (scrambled?) egg-ish concoction made worse by two slivers of burnt bacon and four blocks of hard, white, room temperature toast. Though I had momentarily lamented my foolish toast choice, my pancake-ordering friends later assured me that their brief pancake glory daze was swiftly trumped by hours of post-Denny’s toilet toiling. On the stumble back to my house, I struggled to accept that this painfully mediocre establishment had been successful enough in California to open an Oregon chain. However, I highly doubt that such a sorry excuse for a diner will be able to stick around much longer, don’t you?
bgnerre@willamette.edu
Write for the new, two-page
Lifestyles section next semester! Email Alison Ezard <aezard> for more information.
THUG-LIFESTYLES
APRIL 3, MMXIII
YE’ OLD WILLAMETTE COLLEGIAN 5
Lookn’ fresh – 90’s Post-spring break fashion TAYLOR DENT HOME SKILLET
If you’re reading this article, that’s a sweet start. You’re back on campus and have re-spiked your frosted hair tips to their pointed glory and have maintained a legal BAC for over twelve hours. Spring break this year was f!@#$n’ tight in Acapulco (so much better than Cabo!). Of course, you’re more concerned about
BBOYFED.COM
“Chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool.”
picking up the photos from Rite Aid and scoring with the local hotties than tomorrow’s midterm (suck it, Econ). Even though nights of “livin’ la vida loca” finally ended once you realized you were back in Salem, with a few smooth moves you can bring the look from your version of Spring Break 90s edition to your hood. Though this won’t bring back the south of the border debauchery, a well-dressed dude of the week is sure to have a hella good weekend. Probably the best place to display yourself for swooning Lady Bearcats is behind the Millstream on the chairs lounging like the slick lizard you are. White totally reflects light, so when the lone sun finally emerges in Oregon, imagine the madness that will ensue as you emerge in a stark white wife beater. It’s simple, but we give Eminem mad cred on this one. Women will already be swooning because no doubt you’ll be one of the only tanned dudes on campus, so keep it chill below the belt with trunks or cargos. Paired with one of your classy pookah shell necklaces, you probably only need
to slap on some Banana Boat over those tanned guns and pecs to have cred with the ladies across the water. No girl likes to think she’s with a shady guy though, so put on some classy shit like Usher’s new CD on the stereo. Not only do girls love that kind of music, but chances are strong that you might even get your own dance party going if you throw in some Sisqó or Tag Team after a few tracks. If this is the case, you’ll want a sweet look at the goods uninterrupted by the sun’s killer rays. Oakley sunglasses are the absolute shit for this situation since you can protect that 20/20 vision in a stylin’ way which discreetly checking out your options. BONUS – they provide enough of a reflection for your girl and her friends to adjust their crop tops and you’ll earn the status as a true bro who really understands her needs. Anything else is basically on you, man. But as long as the sun is shining for a brief period in Salem, throw on a plastic visor and pump up the volume to 69 Boyz and Quad City DJs ‘til next break comes around! Fool. tdent@willamette.edu
Dope! Dope has spread throughout our campus and is now infecting the minds of students at Willamette. Known as cannabis, marijuana, weed, grass, pot, the sticky icky, Mary Jane, ganja, skunk, hash, or the chronic, this drug is sweeping the nation and destroying the very foundations of society by turning young men and women into savages. These appalling results have led me to label it “The Devil’s Lettuce”. Willamette University, an institution supposedly trying to educate these young men and women, has become a haven for the addictive substance. This phenomenon is being referred to as “Reefer Madness” by scientists. Its highly addictive nature is so problematic that some scientists have called this an epidemic, as youth across the nation fall prey to predatory dealers. Once hooked on the weed, these children are helpless, unable to resist the sinful urges caused by the drugs potent chemical effects. They will fight, steal, and even engage in premarital sexual activity, sometimes with dozens of partners. Devil’s lettuce is often smoked in the form of marijuana cigarettes. Unlike the more friendly tobacco, however, marijuana has been associated with terrible side effects such as cancer, brain damage, and asthma. If a user doesn’t end up in jail because of the crimes he commits while under the influence of marijuana, he will most likely die at a young age due to these damaging side effects. There are other ways of smoking marijuana, using tools crafted by the same dealers who try to hook young children on the drug in the first place. Known as “bongs” or “pipes,” these instruments of Don’t be a fool with the devil’s tool!
Hipsters get jobs RACHEL MENASHE
STAFF WRITER, before it was cool
We all thought the hipsters would have drowned in a tributary by now, (because drowning in a river would be too mainstream), but they continue to surprise us with their cunning irony. After a collective two years in a PBR rehabilitation center the hipsters have come back with a vengeance and are now getting jobs and wearing suits, to be ironic of course. A result of the early 2020’s era that has now become known as “The Great Hipster Lull”, this newfound fad called “employment” is sweeping the nation. During this mainstream
epic, senior Nick Seid, examined his position in the world and discovered he needed to make a change. Seid reflects on his decision to change professions, “as a freelance blogger and part time DJ, the Man was just really getting me down. I needed the creative freedom and non-traditional lifestyle a job at Washington Mutual offered me.” Seid is not the only hipster to go into banking, though: a phenomenon is occurring in which all the hipsters want to be accountants and portfolio managers. You see, Bearcats: being an accountant is so mainstream that it’s now obscure, get it? The hipsters have really outdone themselves this time. The hipsters are being
ironic stylistically as well. Rather than poppin’ the tags of Pendleton flannels and vintage fedoras down at the local Goodwill, we are seeing a massive increase in the purchase of Hugo Boss suits; the pendulum has swung and the more money one (a hipster) spends the cooler xe is (gender-neutral pronouns please). That’s not all: to be more attractive to xyr (ignorant, unprogressive bastard translation: their) employers, the hipsters have also stopped smoking American Spirits. Despite the abandonment of xyr favorite hipster vices, the hipsters are not bothered; xyr decision to start working is for the greatest hipster cause of all: irony. A staunch advocate of the hipster mission, senior Till Gwinn, reflects on his days before he was a successful stock portfolio manager, “Yeah, I
BRETT SCRUTON LIFESTYLES EDITOR/HORSE ENTHUSIAST
remember when it was cool to act like you’re not cool before it was cool. Now, I think, the only logical thing is to actually not be cool and work in an office.” Gwinn would also like it to be known that he no longer writes poetry or drinks out of a mason jar because those acts are just not ironic enough. He would also like it to be known that he makes an annual salary of five million dollars, all of which he spends beautiful suits for his office job. We should all be grateful for the hipsters as the most impressive impact of the “employment” fad is the complete stimulation of the American economy. The hipster community and their excessive working and spending have bolstered the economy out of recession, in an ironic way. rmenashe@willamette.edu
bscruton@willamette.edu
sin are often very costly, and students at Willamette are believed to be using their own parent’s money to buy both the drug and the apparatus they use to ingest it. A few experienced addicts can even formulate ways to cook weed into their food, allowing them to do pot at every meal of every day. These students are therefore permanently “stoned,” (as the kids call it), which leads to a lack of participation in class, and even blank stares in response to questions from teachers. The only solution to this epidemic is to bring a stronger police force onto campus! We need four, maybe five times the staff that Campus Safety already has. Although they focus their energy almost exclusively on catching students getting “stoned” they seem remarkably unsuccessful at in any way inhibiting the use of cannabis on Willamette’s campus. Therefore I beg you to join me in opposing the use of marijuana! fpitsch@willamette.edu
SUBSTANCE CONSULTANT
Quit horsin’ around It’s time to confront the scuttlebutt about campus on the newest form of debauchery and straight-forward thievery: the phenomenon of horse theft. The increased amount of equus abduction has proven to be a large problem for Campus Safety, who have been slow out of the gate on this issue. They now have a stable problem on their hands. The administration recently issued the statement: “We’re not horsing around with this issue. We realize that horses are the primary form of transportation for students who live off campus. We will put our hooves down and address both the kerfuffle of horse theft and the smaller problem of pony theft.” Now fellow Bearcats, it seems that Campus Safety is missing the mane problem. There isn’t enough being done to solve for this constant aggression to begin with. Foremost, horses are really quite expensive. Having had a few taken myself, the cost has been great already. That’s even considering how I’ve downgraded from a Thoroughbred to a Pinto. Take it from me, don’t leave your horse outside Goudy overnight. Nothing good can come of it. What does Campus Safety do to prevent this night mare experience? Clearly little, considering last Thursday’s incident involving an entire stable of horses vanishing over night, making the incident the most expensive Colt ‘45 to date. Unless your Clydesdale is cultivating hemp, then Campus Safety will turn a blind, or at least color-blind eye to the problem. Since prevention is clearly out of the question, is there a way of tracking down our stolen transportation? Aside from sending a claim to the sheriff’s office, there’s little within our developing justice system that can be done. The only solution is take upon yourself a reign of personal justice. First, figure out where your horses actually go. According to a recent Gallop pole, most horses stolen from Willamette students are ridden up to Portland where they are sold off to travelers venturing out onto the Oregon Trail. Presumably, they’ll die of dysentery. If you’re able to find your horse within this system of vagabonds and scoundrels, you might have to clean your sixshooter for a fight, or what they call in Oregon City, Tuesday. It’s probably best to avoid all this fuss though. What I would suggest, dear Bearcats, is to take it upon yourselves to saddle up and take personal measures to prevent the theft of your primary transportation, pet, and racing apparatus (If you’re into that whole thing.) Yes, horse-locking devices leave much to be desired, including lightness. You ever see a Kryptonite U-lock for a horse? It’s quite awkward to carry, to say the least. Yet, it is the best option though. This comes straight from the horse’s mouth, which is presumably translated to “Help me!” This information I’m relaying to you is sincere, so don’t be a fool and look a gift horse in the mouth when I tell you that we can all do more to prevent horse theft. Is Campus Safety doing enough? I say neigh! So, let’s not beat a dead horse on this issue. Instead, let’s not have dead horses, or stolen horses. The situation has gone hay-wire. Let’s protect our mane transportation. Lock up your horses!
Reefer madness hits Willamette! TENNY PITSCH
BBearcat ullet
AMERICANSFORCANNABIS.COM
6
WILLAMETTE COLLEGIAN
FEATURE
APRIL 3, 1436
New history o TONY MASUKE PALACE FOOL
Large portions of human history have been completely rewritten due to the time flux. Events have become incredibly scrambled and are now about as coherent as the instruction manual on a piece of Chinese-manufactured technology (though it’s worth noting that in the new timeline, most of our high-tech imports come from a single town in Eastern Bulgaria). Willamette’s history has been similarly altered, so here’s what you need to know about the new Willamette timeline (information courtesy of Willamette’s Wikipedia page in the year 2439):
1 1859 1968 1392 Due to its independent status and ownership of most of the surrounding area, Willamette created a substantial obstacle to Oregon’s bid for statehood. Oregon was ultimately only able to enter the union on the condition that it continued to collect taxes to be paid in annual tribute to the University in order to offset rising tuition costs. In response to this new influx of cash, the university increased tuition rates by a mere 600 percent in the following year, rather than the customary 800 percent.
Willamette University was founded 1392 after the time flux caused Jason Lee to travel back in time by 500 years. For the first several centuries, the university relied on a feudal caste system for its educational model. First year students earned class credits by serving as fools for upper class students, and advanced to the next year by winning a jousting competition. International students would arrive at the University via a strange teleportation portal device that Lee found buried on the campus. The Olin science center was later built in the same location in order to commemorate the discovery. The United States was still founded in 1776, although in the new timeline it was originally a dictatorship known as the Democratic Republic of Ben Franklin, who was declared President-for-life after he developed a way to harness lightning bolts and used it to kill John Adams and Thomas Jefferson. Willamette was able to resist Franklin’s electrical tyranny because it had recently succeeded in constructing a device to control the weather. Inspired by Willamette’s actions, the rest of the people of the United States eventually revolted under the leadership of John Quincy Adams, but the end result was that Willamette became recognized as an independent sovereign nation.
1776
In early May of 1940, a race of carnivorous extraterrestrials landed in the Pacific Ocean, thus forcing humanity to put World War II on hold in order to fight Galactic War I. Willamette was on the front lines of the conflict, and became instrumental in bringing about the defeat of the aliens when a courageous battalion of hipsters discovered that large-scale consumption of unprocessed foods made humans unpalatable, thereby causing the aliens to leave.
On February 13, Governor Mark O. Hatfield mailed Oregon’s annual tax tribute to the University, but by the following evening, the Willamette Office of Financial Aid and Flying Sports dome Construction had yet to receive the funds. The campus began to mobilize for an attack, but war was narrowly averted when it was discovered that the mail center had received the package earlier in the afternoon, but had waited to send a notice of delivery after it had already closed for the day.
After pouring years of money and effort into the project, WITS finally succeeded in constructing an internet bandwidth filter for the campus. Critics argued that the process would likely have been much cheaper and easier if the university had waited to initiate the project until after the internet had been invented, but Willamette officials insisted to do so would run the risk of some students experiencing reasonable web speeds at some point in the early 2000s.
19401987
APRIL 3, 1999
FEATURE
WILLAMETTE COLLEGIAN 7
of Willamette
1989 2036 2392 In the final minutes of 1989, a temporal flux schism caused the 1990s to disappear. Along with the rest of the planet, Willamette students woke up the next day to discover that it was January 1st, 2000, and the world had become a strange and unfamiliar place. Computers were everywhere, and much of the entertainment industry was dominated by something called “Pokémon,” which military scientists quickly concluded was some sort of Soviet biological weapon. In response, a commando team raided the Kremlin in an attempt to capture and interrogate Mikhail Gobachev, but only managed to find an uncharacteristically confused Vladimir Putin.
The time flux caused what appeared to be a 1960s British police box to appear in the middle of the quad. Several dozen students were killed and the box itself was destroyed when 200 Doctor Who fans attempted to enter it simultaneously, only to discover that it was, in fact, an actual 1960s police box.
Several Willamette graduates became the first humans to set foot on Mars when the University decided to use its surplus funding to launch the first ever manned mission to the red planet. The college thus had substantial control over many aspects of the flight. When the Hatfield module landed on the surface, the first human stepped out and immediately tweeted the now famous words: “We came in peace on a recycled ship, always mindful of our privilege as the first people on Mars. #sustainablefuture #galacticsocialjustice”
Willamette students constructed the world’s first teleportation portal device in a basement lab underneath Olin. Unfortunately, the time flux immediately caused the device to malfunction and disappear into thin air. A small group of students argued that the device might have survived and been sent back to a prior millennium, but the rest of the scientific community declared such an idea to be implausible, and the experiment was listed as a total loss. In the words of one skeptic: “It’s a time flux, not a time loop. It’s totally different. Duh!”
Due to its significant contributions to interstellar exploration, Willamette University was chosen as the location for the signing of the charter to create the United Federation of Planets. Delegates from dozens of star systems gathered inside the recently completed M. Lee Pelton Flying Sports Stadium to sign the document. Unfortunately, the ceremony was derailed by the unexpected re-emergence of the 1990s. The sudden influx of N*Sync, purple ketchup, and bowl cuts was enough to offend most of the representatives into leaving.
2013 7 2161 amacuk@willamette.edu
8
THE DON SHART PAGE
WILLAMETTE COLLEGIAN
APRIL 3, 1913
ACCURATELEADS.COM
Willamette student Steven Stevens did tricep pushups before this photo was taken. “I really hate post-colonial propagation, but I like pushups. They feel so tautological to me,” Stevens said. “Also, I just farted.”
NICK “Young Money” SEID
2060: A race odyssey
COLUMNIST
After a rapid drop in attendance, conference participation and donations over the last decade, Willamette University will be slowly phasing out its current athletics program for more suitable liberal arts entertainment. Although the university fully supports student involvement in such athletics as basketball, football, track, cross-country, swimming, baseball and others, the administration feels these events no longer represent the ideologies and moral code of a well-rounded, progressive liberal arts education. For too long, these normative activities have hindered the growth of both our university and the greater Salem community. On behalf of the administration and the Athletics Department, we would like to formally introduce a new era of liberal arts-oriented Division III Northwest
Conference athletics. Varsity wrap line waiting: The Goudy wrap line will be re-created in the Cone Fieldhouse to increase the capacity of spectatorship. Contestants will be required to avoid eye contact with other students, maintain a firm grip on their iPhone, repeatedly checking Facebook invites, and must forget to actually select a tortilla flavor. Because shlumpy sweatpants are apparently the only way to decipher a Division III athlete, the pants will be required apparrel to participate in the entrance round. Playoffs will require a Northface jacket and TOMS shoes. Misusing Terminology: Athletes must recreate a classroom setting on the Sparks Field while misusing as many liberal artscertified vocabulary terms as possible. This is meant to recreate an authentic classroom experience for spectators unable to compete at a higher level of abstrusety. Athletes will be required to misuse and/or overuse words such as: meta-narrative, socio-political, heteronormative, interdisciplinary, tautological,
pedagogical, post-colonial, propagation, etc. Extra points will be granted to competitors mispronouncing Latin roots memorized in high school or starting sentences with a overdramatic pause and drawn out “wellllll.” Professional Complaining: *Limited to upper-classmen only. Categories include: expense of tuition (failing to mention scholarships and parent’s bank account), lack of things to do in Salem (failing to actually leave campus), too much homework (posted on Twitter and Facebook), etc. Points will be based on tone of voice, hypocrisy in statement, originality of remark and irrelevance of context. Round-robin tournament rules will include one turn per athlete but complaining about being skipped will result in unlimited turns. Co-ed preaching to the choir: Mandatory for all undergraduate students. .25 credits received upon completion. Students must petition for MOI credit. The Athletics Department is excited to usher in a new realm of Willamette sports
and looks forward to student feedback, comments and compliments. For too long the liberal arts experience has been diluted by the outdated traditions of physical activity and athletic prowess. Leave the archaic traditions and outmoded events to our colleagues in Eugene as we embark on a new chapter in progressive, exciting events that reflect the needs of the Willamette student body. Faculty will be looking for suggestions from you as we finalize these arrangements. Currently staff and President Thorsett are in communications with Reed, Whitman, and Lewis & Clark regarding league regulations, refereeing and playoff bracket structure. We look forward to your participation, excitement and Bearcat pride as we usher in a new era of Willamette athletics.
nseid@willamette.edu
Trail Blazers to actually 2060 opening Willamette softball game rained out be good this season BUSTIN BANIEL GUEST WRITER
As they conclude a stellar 2013-2014 season, the Portland Trail Blazers are primed to make yet another deep run into the playoffs and defend their back-to-back NBA titles. Riding the all-star seasons of Brandon Roy (sixth appearance) and LaMarcus Aldridge (fourth appearance), the Blazers have recorded a 51–20 record to date and are hoping to wrap up the first seed in the western conference for the third straight year. When asked about the success of the team, starting center Greg Oden responded, “This has been a group effort. Everyone from GM Kevin Pritchard to Coach McMillan has been integral in the success
of this squad.” Entering Wednesday, Oden is averaging 14.1ppg and 10.7rpg in 65 starts. After missing his rookie season due to knee surgery Greg has recovered quickly, anchoring one of the league’s toughest defenses as well as providing strong leadership for the reigning champions. Not only has he been injury free for five years, but he also boasts two defensive Player of the Year honors, as well as one All-Star appearance. Brandon Roy has also avoided re-injury over the past few years and contributed immensely on the court. After undergoing arthroscopic surgery in the summer of 2011, Roy was once again in the starting lineup for opening night the following season and has not missed a start since.
The summer following his procedure, fans, teammates and even Roy himself were unsure if he would ever play basketball again. Fortunately for Rip City, Brandon’s recovery went even better than expected by team physicians, as he did not miss a single game due to his knees. Credit for the recent success of this organization cannot just be given to players and coaches. The trainers, physical therapists and rehabilitation specialists involved with the franchise have done an extraordinary job of keeping the roster healthy throughout the regular season and playoffs allowing for consecutive championships and the most successful five-year span in Trail Blazers history. ddaniel@willamette.edu
DEVIN “Smooth Swingin’” ABNEY STAFF WRITER
Global warming has left most of the world a desert wasteland, but somehow the Willamette softball game against rival Lewis & Clark was rained out Saturday. The rain, totalling a tenth of an inch, was the most the country has seen in over two decades. “I didn’t even know it still could rain,” Coach Sharon Davis said. “This is absolutely ridiculous.” The rain started as the players stretched during the pre-game warmups, causing widespread panic. Initially, terrified fans and players thought the rain was a military attack or fool invasion. Luckily, some of the older fans were able to clarify what exactly was happening and helped calm the panic. “We didn’t know what it was as first,” freshman Shelby Peters said. “I thought the sky was falling.” Eventually order was restored, as
Willamette officials were able to escort everybody safely into the Kaneko complex where they were able to weather the storm. Counselors were brought in to help the players deal with the trauma. “We were surrounded. ,” senior Kelly Scott said in between her sobs. “It was everywhere.” At the tennis courts, the Bearcat teams huddled for safety in the storage shed. Unfortunately, head coach Jack Schreiber was unable to fit in the shed and was washed away in the storm. Search efforts have been called off due to a lack of anybody caring. In response to the storm, President Bieber has promised the full support of the National Guard and FEMA. Top scientists have also been called in to study the phenomena. As of today, the consensus is that regardless of global warming and future climate trends, the weather in Salem will always suck. dabney@willamette.edu
THE DON SHART PAGE
APRIL 3, 2113
WILLAMETTE COLLEGIAN 9
Controversial ‘Blitz the Bearcat’ to be replaced by ‘Bearcat the Bearcat’ DON “Everybody look at me” SHART SPORTS EDITOR
Last Wednesday, the Willamette University Athletics Department announced that the well liked, but often controversial Blitz the Bearcat will be relieved of his duties as Bearcat mascot. The announcement comes after a series of documented misconducts by the fiery feline/bear. Last week, Blitz was spotted defecating into the millstream with a six pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade gripped firmly in his burgundy, hairy paw, dangling at his side. A day before that, he had cut over a dozen students in the Goudy wrap line, ferociously tossing them aside, yelling repeatedly, “F--k the system, go Bearcats!” “Blitz was great. He had these really big paws and a fluffy tail. But, he kept eating everything. That was problematic,” University President Bryan Schmidt said. Schmidt also lamented that, while school spirit is an integral part of any mascot’s livelihood, Blitz’s recent violent binges took school pride to a new, dangerous level. “Everything I do, I do for the Bearcats. I love the Bearcats, and will love them until I WIILLAMETTE.EDU die, which probably won’t ever happen. I have battery acid in my blood,” Blitz said, gnawing “Blitz the Bearcat (pictured) savagely attacks a minor league baseball player under the influence. He ate him in one bite. “Yum yum he taste good,” Blitz said. on a live duck, squeaking and squealing in “It was great, but, like most passionate asked for comment, Whitman’s Senior Golf fun going back to winning math tournathe recently renovated Sparks Media Center. stints of raw, unbridled love, the relationship captain, Derek Berguland remarked, “It tast- ments!” he added, shortly before being de“Taming Blitz was an issue. On one hand, came to an end,” Bowerman added. ed like popcorn.” tained by Campus Safety. his ferociousness was great,” Athletic DirecDuring Blitz’s brief stint as “The Bearcat,” “Look…say what you will, but, look at the tor Steven Bowerman remarked. the Willamette football team went 56–14, numbers. The Bearcats will miss me. They’ll “The Bearcats were feared. We were taken the basketball team won three conference miss me when I’m gone!” Blitz said in a final seriously for a few years, there. We were no titles, and the golf team achieved six hole in statement. longer the book-nerds who played sports …we ones in one round, a round in which Blitz “Without me, they’re just a bunch of kitty became the book nerds who drink Linfield’s was caught replacing Whitman’s water bot- cats. These tiny ass feline babies. I brought a sdart@willamette.edu blood and beat the shit out of everyone.” tles with containers of his own urine. When bite to this school! Ya hear me! A bite! Have
WU joustin’ around
CONTINUED from Page 1
In addition to the Reagan scandal, senior standout Max ‘the Pseudo-Liberal’ Mensinger quit the team after he broke his glasses— though it is unclear whether he quit due to lack of sight or just because no one could recognize him. “I lost me glasses,” said Mensinger. It is not just off the field that the Bearcats have faced fool, but a backlash against the team has occurred across the campus. “It’s so bourgeoisie,” said senior Lucas Miller. “I just wish that they would stop screwin’ around and get on my level. I’m feeling like a star. You can’t stop my shine.” Indeed, even though Miller’s quote does not make much sense, he may have a point that the
jousting team has promoted an unhealthy lifestyle at Willamette— frequently calling those not on the team “filthy plebs” and expecting them to clean their armor. The costs of the tourneys have also skyrocketed. At the last tourney alone, the band ate 14 pounds of meat and drank three barrels of mead— though it is rumored that Michalak drank at least one barrel single handedly. However, despite mounting struggles on and off the field, it seems that no one will stop the charging Bearcats as they race to victory this season. “Honestly, I’m just grateful nobody has died yet,” said Pendragon. ROYALFAIRES.COM
mlashley@willamette.edu
Jouster Michalak ousts the competition. “This sport is really scary,” Michalak said. “But scary is my middle name. Jk it’s Abigail”.
With new liberal arts policy, student athletes now ‘athlete students’ BRANDON “I love Shakespeare“ CHINN STAFF WRITER
As students fled from campus last week for spring break, the Liberal Arts Athletes Association of America was hard at work brainstorming different ways to integrate various athletic communities with their respective academic cultures on campus. “We just don’t see any sort of connection between athletes and the academic world,” LAAAA President John Johnson said. “Eventually, somebody will need to set down the ball and pick up a book.” Just this past weekend the Committee agreed in principle to a set of guidelines that could potentially lead to integration between athletics and academics as soon as the 2015 academic school year.
The contract, which Johnson referred to as the “bare minimum” and a “necessity,” is said to currently consist of five initial guidelines. The first two guidelines will set the criteria for an athlete’s eligibility. Along with the traditional pre-season physical, student-athletes will also be required to complete and pass an aptitude test similar to the SAT in order to participate in collegiate athletics. There will also be a minimum GPA requirement that athletes must meet in order to be eligible for competition. Although the exact criteria hasn’t been set, it is widely speculated to be somewhere near the 3.7 mark. “The exact fool has not been finalized, but it will be high,” Vice President Andy Anderson said. He concluded: “As a coach, if you can’t trust a player to maintain a 3.7 GPA, how can you ever trust them to hit a
homerun or make a three pointer?” Once players become eligible, the third guideline will be used to help decipher playing time amongst athletes. Once passed, the contract will give professors, not coaches, the final say of who starts. “Coaches and professors will meet prior to games for final decisions regarding the starting lineup,” Johnson said. It is believed that professors will dictate playing time based on the student’s level of participation in the classroom. Also included in the contract is the understanding that each sport will have specific requirements that will be incorporated into scoring systems. Although several of these rules have not been announced, it is believed that baseball and softball will endure one initial rule change. In order for teams to officially score,
the person crossing the plate must first answer a trivia question given by the umpire related to his or her major. If the question is answered correctly, the run is awarded. If not, it is ruled an out. “It really comes down to how bad they want to score runs,” Anderson said. “If they pay attention in class, it really shouldn’t be that difficult of a task.” While this proposed plan is still in its preliminary stages, many believe that progress will occur quickly, with the ultimate implementation set for August 2015. “It will make athletics more exciting and athletes more diverse,” Johnson said. “We are essentially changing the game, one grade at a time.” bchinn@willamette.edu
10
FACTS
WILLAMETTE COLLEGIAN
APRIL 3, 2063
Reductio ad anonymous Beware: First ever campus Conspiracy alert EDITORIAL
The scary truth behind the flux
:
DEFINITELY NOT ANTHONY MACUK
NEVER WRITTEN FOR COLLEGIAN BEFORE
We’ve heard a lot about the so-called “time flux” in this issue of the Collegian, but I think we’ve seen a surprising lack of information about what actually happened, and who should be held responsible. We’ve seen firsthand all sorts of evidence about what it has done to this paper, this school, and even this reality. But we don’t really know what caused it. Is it just a random freak occurrence? Did some idiot crash a DeLorean into chronometric particle field? Or could it be a secret government plot? Don’t worry—I’m not about to give you some sort of crazy rant. I’m just going to give you the facts; the true facts, unless of course they’ve been altered by the time flux (in which case, God help us). Just the facts, and maybe a few thinly veiled accusations presented as vague rhetorical questions. The Collegian clearly knows a lot about the time flux. And the time flux was probably caused by something or someone. These are facts; indisputable because I’m sure that everyone else thinks so too. That may only be circumstantial evidence, but I’ve got more. Despite the flux, each section of the paper continues on as though nothing has happened—reporting on different time periods as though this is all normal and routine. Such a facade clearly implies a cover-up. No one is this calm in the midst of a temporal crisis. Additionally, the Features section describes in precise detail everything that has occurred as a result of the time flux. All the changes in the timeline, neatly laid out in one place. And it’s all attributed to future Wikipedia. Seriously? Future Wikipedia? How stupid do they think we are? Wikipedia can be edited by any person at in any place - or in any time period, which casts doubt on the entire story. Future Wikipedia could have been written by some guy in 1300 BC. Or by aliens from another galaxy. Or by Nazis. There’s just no way to know. Besides, if Anthony is in the 25th century, the how did he manage to write that section at all? That would imply that he somehow moved both forwards and backwards in time. But that’s impossible! Such a thing could only happen if it were possible to control the time flux. That leaves us with one of two possibilities. Either most of the articles in today’s Collegian were not actually written by their attributed authors...or the authors themselves are in on IT. They caused the time flux. They control it. And they’re going to use it to change the very fabric of human history. So they have the means. But what could be the motive? Could it simply be an attempt to generate more newsworthy content? No, that’s far too... okay wait; yeah, that’s probably why they did it. But you have to admit, that’s still pretty sinister. And the worst is yet to come. Whoever is responsible, their ultimate goal could be nothing less than the destruction of time itself. Now that time is in flux, they’re already free to change history. Once they do that, they’ll be able to control the past, and maybe even rewrite time to make it cyclical. Then the things that have happened differently will happen all over again, as soon as they happen at some point in the future... or past. We’re going to have walked into some crazy territory now. Even the grammar isn’t going to have made any sense. Of course, the Collegian staff may simply be the victims here. But if they didn’t create the flux, then who did? I tried to go up to the Collegian office to find out the truth, but I quickly discovered that in this new timeline, the University Center doesn’t have a third floor. How convenient. So we still don’t know who is responsible. All we know is that they’re dangerous. I guess there’s nothing we can do other than to avoid the Collegian as much as possible in order to minimize the subversion. In fact, it’s probably best if you burn this after reading it. If anyone asks what you’re doing, just tell them you’re saving humanity from the time flux conspiracy. I’m sure they’ll understand. amacuk@willamette.edu
clothing run set for Friday
In recent breaking news, The Editorial Board has gotten the scoop on an unprecedented event that will take Willamette’s campus by storm. We warn you, what you read next may shock and disturb you. This Friday, at exactly 12 p.m. noon, several of the more rebellious students on campus will demonstrate against our dear campus’s nudist normalcy by participating in what has been called a “clothing run.” For legal purposes, we feel it is necessary at this point to state that we in no way condone such lewdness. Ever since the Disrobing Act of 2114, clothes have been largely absent from our civilized society. Rumors of hippie communes that practice being clothed have surfaced from time to time, but by in large we normal people find it tough not to be in the buff. The transition to societal stark-nakedness obviously took place shortly after the Disrobing Act was passed, and scholars still wonder today why it took the peoples of the early 2000s so long to come around. Eliminating clothing eliminated the need to buy clothing, which immediately erased our economic deficit. Plus, people are always happiest on their birthdays, so why not make the “birthday suit” the accepted style of dress? Alas, mutiny is in the air. According to the Collegian’s highly confidential source, these inseam insurgents plan to demonstrate during the university’s traditional visiting student
day. The apparent plan is to make several laps around campus, disgustingly wearing things like pants and shirts that have been (thankfully) disallowed for centuries. Why would students would seek to lash out in such a provocative and distasteful way? Some speculation has been aroused that students are growing frustrated with dropping tuition rates and the addition of more parking spaces on campus. Whatever the reason, such acts should not and will not be supported. Unfortunately, we still live in a country where something as lascivious as the donning of dresses and duds cannot be suppressed, so the hooligans will be allowed to run. However, the university has made it clear they will do all they can to curtail these clothing endeavors. In order to spare the wider public of such grotesque images, the university’s high tech web-streaming cameras — which cover every inch of campus — will be turned off for the duration of the processional. We hope that many of the students on the fence about whether to sport their bras and briefs will reconsider and think about the young, impressionable minds looking to visit our campus for four years of otherwise peaceful intrarcommunity nudism. While wearing clothes may seem just radical enough for a conservative arts campus like Willamette’s, you do more than just make a statement by
choosing to cover yourself. You affect everyone else around you. Students come to college for the purpose of letting it all hang out — by which we mean their passions, interests, and regrettable tattoos. To cover oneself is directly contradictory to Willamette’s time tested motto: “Not unto ourselves alone are we born.” In order to advance as a community, we cannot and should not hide anything from each other. Especially our bodies. This clothing run poses serious problems for the future and livelihood of our beloved institution. Students choosing to observe may be drawn to such inexcusable perversion, and begin to think there’s something wrong with being nude like we always have been. Don’t wear your clothes, and don’t wear them with pride. We need solidarity in our birthday suits to defeat such evil as wearing clothes. Show up without a stitch on this Friday and demonstrate against the gallivanting garmets! COLLEGIAN EDITORIAL POLICY
The Collegian Editorial Board speaks nothing but the truth. The word of the Editorial Board is law. No rebuttals. John Lind •RAGING TYRANT Marissa Bertucci • FACTS ENFORCER Hannah Moser•HEAD DAILY PROPHET CORRESPONDANT
Injustice Anywhere: We’ve accomplished equality MARISSA BERTUCCI FACTS ENFORCER
A recent nationwide Gallop poll has just confirmed what we’ve all been noticing in the streets: the United States is more free, equal and happy than ever, with an astonishing 96 percent reporting general contentment with the impacts of governmental processes on their daily lives; four percent reported less contentment, but only because “pollsters disturbed their leisurely, employer-sanctioned afternoon naps.” In Old York and Elmland, officers have been aimlessly patrolling for weeks, unable to find reasons to stop and frisk anyone; school counselors have suddenly become the demographic to most prolifically complete crossword puzzles because the dearth in bullying has opened up unprecedented windows of free time; and human resources departments at all Luck 500 companies have identified that women are being paid exactly one dollar to each man’s dollar. President Barak Obrama, whose bodyguards have all been given mandatory vacation leave in the wake of a sudden influx of apologies from thousands of attempted-assassins, issued a statement last night to a boisterous crowd in D.C. In it, he said, “My best analysts have been working at voluntary and fairly-paid overtime to identity the change we’re feeling today, and they have unanimously concluded that the influx of Facebook profile picture changes to the red People Rights Campaign’s equal sign finally accomplished perfect harmony and equality in this great nation.”
The equal sign, originally intended to show support for gay marriage as the Supreme Court began trials to determine the constitutionality of California’s Proposition 8 and the Defense of Marriage Act, respectively, has directly produced widely-felt acceptance and fairness even outside of the intended beneficiaries: the gay community’s largely white, male, cisnormative, middle- and upper-class populations. The Communications Director of the People Rights Campaign, Mike Diamond-Force, said, “When we told undocumented and trans people to stop picketing because their concerns aren’t the same as our concerns and that they were hurting our Gaga-loving, male, bourgeois image, we definitely always knew that these very people would quickly feel the benefits of systemic inclusion ingeniously designed by the red equal sign movement.” All the undocumented and trans activists universally agree that the People Rights Campaign clearly knew all along that their red equal sign would be a tour-de-force for global activism. A source at a leading nonprofit organization designed to help trans, homeless teens get their high school diplomas said, “We’re probably going to disband because this red equal sign has directly helped all of our kids and we’re kind of irrelevant and mainstream now. Thanks, People Rights Campaign! You were right to silence us! We were fools!” Facebook founder and CEO Marcus Snickerberg said, “This isn’t the first time we’ve seen viral Facebook activity change the world. Remember KONY 2012? That was nice.”
One Facebook user, high school student Shelby Flaherty agreed, “I knew that my work for equality was done the instant I changed my profile picture. I didn’t vote or contact my local representatives or anything because, come on.” She added, “Now I can use the phrase ‘that’s so gay’ without fear of retribution. We’re all equal now! SWAGGIE!” Another Facebook user who preferred to remain anonymous said, “Now I can stop pretending that I have one black friend who says I’m allowed to use the N-word. We all know that’s not true! I don’t have any black friends! But that’s coincidence and has nothing to do with my gentrified city or school district because I’m colorblind! Now, we can all stop seeing color!” The positive reverberations are even felt on an international geopolitical scale. Imperialistic labor exploitation has reached a global all-time-low. A study conducted by Georgevillage University has found that lower levels of class stratification were only felt prehistorically. Next week, representatives from Israel and Palestine plan to have a tea party to discuss friendly cooperation strategies. One Palestinian child said to a reporter from CMN, “I think everyone’s going to be really cool to each other now that the message of the red equal sign is being taken seriously.” On behalf of all those who have suffered at the hands of racism, classism, (cis)sexism, ableism, homophobia, white supremacy, and any sort of institutionalized violence, thank you, Facebook users! Your hard work has paid off! mbertucc@willamette.edu
APRIL 3, 2063
FACTS
WILLAMETTE COLLEGIAN 11
Tame Animals of Solidarity
Celebrating 50 years free from Capitalist scum
Our leader, Kim Jong Un, who has miraculously not aged a day in 50 years, signing a thank you letter to the proletariat.
CONTINUED from Page 1 Think of how simple and wonderful our lives have become. Before, we used to strive for betterment through the pursuit of higher education and an otherwise robust work ethic. Now that we no longer have such opportunities, we need only worry about finding enough food to eat in the ever plentiful street gutters. All the stress we used to feel has been stripped away. We can now truly enjoy peace. Instead of harboring resentment towards our leaders, we should instead be thankful for the sacrifices they themselves make on our behalf. It takes great courage for a man to entrap himself in his beautiful, remote mansion, surrounded by great riches. How awful that he be burdened with wealth and opportunities, especially when he so desperately
desires the life of any average Amerikorean! However, this must be the way of life. As they say in Westeros, “it is known.” Our savior’s geographical isolation in Pyongyang makes him the ideal adjudicator for all matters Amerikorean, because separated as such, he is less likely to let his personal biases interfere with his decision making. Plus, everything seems to work as it should, especially the faucets, which were hand-tested, every one, by none other than Kim Jong Un himself, the footage of which occupies the entirety of our completely transparent news-cycle. Our kind master has also taught us the real history of the world lying behind imperialist lies of yester-year. Indeed, the induction of North Korean officials into each level of education has ensured and facilitated the passage of this knowledge.
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For instance, Jesus lived in the area that is now North Korea, and was actually crucified for passing out Communist pamphlets. In addition: North Korea singlehandedly dispelled rumors of the Holocaust, stopped Y2K, and made Dennis Rodman a stand-up guy. For so many years we were subject to the lies of those capitalist pigs, who whispered sweet nothings into our eager ears, even until the very day of their reckoning (execution). Our fearless, hallowed captain could only watch in horror as we were tricked into believing that things like old-world freedom, equality, and liberty were all honorable and noteworthy virtues. Political rights are for the weak. The use of science and reason corrupted our minds and dissuaded us from the realities facing us. After our glorious leader’s vic-
tory, we were finally introduced to the truth of the world, and nurtured the history we so longed for and deserved. Perhaps the most valuable lesson we’ve learned, though, is the virtue of unquestionable obedience and uniformity. That is why today, no one seems to disagree about anything anymore. Way back when, we, the authors of this column, used to banter endlessly about our “opinions.” But what are opinions besides distractions from truths we all know to exist? It makes us chortle to think back on our prehistory, when we believed our opinions were the essence of brilliance. To recognize how absurd our dedication to pluralism was, we need only look so far as our old government’s past functions. The stalemates of ye olde Congress prove that nothing valuable happens in a plurality. In this respect, ironically, the private sphere demonstrated the kind of discourse our benevolent leader now encourages: one immune to circumstance. That’s why institutions like Fox News and MSNBC played such a vital role in structuring America’s political dialogue prior to Kim Jong Un’s ascension — most Americans had already learned how not to think about their thoughts. The takeover just steered those thoughts in the right direction. While looking over these wondrous 50 years of comfort and happiness, it seems clear that Amerikorea has been cured of its illness and rehabilitated to the state of Euphoria. Truth and liberty’s origins come from that of a deft, merciless hand, unwavering in its ability to crush injustices like “personal responsibility,” “reason,” and the myth of “capitalist liberty.” We have turned the pages of our dark days and written a new chapter fixed on the tenants of fear, fidelity, and Un-ness. Our dear leader has saved us from the evil consciousness we were born with and placed within our hearts through brutal force the ever-so-gentle notion of love and compassion. And for that, it is only fitting to end this column in using the same words he used 50 ago to this date: “We the people of the United States of North Amerikorea, so solemnly swear to strive for the perfection that is Kim Jong Un, who will impress upon our minds the meanings of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” Long Live Amerikorea!!! mmensing@willamette.edu tmwood@willamette.edu
Struggling on State Street: Willamette’s most valuable lessons
EMMA SASSAFRASS
12
WILLAMETTE COLLEGIAN
Hey You! Do you know a hottie on campus that you don’t have the guts to talk to? Meet someone cool at a party that you didn’t get the name of? Is there a person in your class or your dorm that you just can’t stand? Well, let them know by way of a Hey You! To submit a Hey You! email heyyouwillamette@ gmail.com or drop off a written one at the Bistro counter with 30 words or fewer for somebody who needs to hear something. All Hey You!s will be published anonymously. The Collegian will not publish Hey You!s that explicitly reference individuals or groups. Describe, but don’t name. We reserve the right not to publish Hey You!s.
APRIL 3, 1353 HEY YOU! Guy with the robotic chimera! I’ve never seen anyone build an abomination quite like you do. I wanna have your robot babies!
HEY YOU! Please don’t park your hover car in a hover bike spot. It’s rude, and they don’t really fit there.
HEY YOU! DESTROY ALL HUMANS! HA. HA. 1011010000101100111101.
HEY YOU! Why is our Mill Stream so boring? Maybe somebody should carve it into a letter...
HEY YOU! Want to come see my hard drive? I promise it isn’t 3.5 inches and it ain’t floppy.
HEY YOU! Please keep it down at night when you’re in your cave. The velociraptors are going to hear you.
HEY YOU! Girl who stole my hover board, WHY?!?!?!?!? HEY YOU! Set your drink on a skateboard, they make good coasters. HEY YOU! But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and the Bistro employees are the sun. HEY YOU! Is that a blunderbuss in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
HEY YOU! Martin Van Buren supporter, really? ZACH TAY FOR ‘48
HEY YOU! Is that a phaser in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
HEY YOU! Dirty dope smokers, planting “star trees” is a dumb idea.
HEY YOU! Girl sitting by the Mill Stream. Your petticoats are getting wet and we can all see your ankles…I’m praying for you.
HEY YOU! Hey, komrade! Want to bust open a couple of Zhiguleuskoye beers after our shift ends at the factory? I have an entirely legitimate business proposition for you, my proletarian brother. HEY YOU! Kindly implore your ninjas to stop breaking into my dorm. If this happens again, I will hire pirates, I swear!
WIN TICKETS TO SEE COMEDIAN MARIA BAMFORD ON APRIL 4 THe Collegian is offering two free tickets to see comedian Maria Bamford tomorrow night at 7 p.m. at the Historic Grand Theatre in downtown Salem to whoever can guess the correct amount of times the word “fool” was hidden in this issue. Email your guess to <jlind> by midnight!
HEY YOU! Person running the campus cameras, show yourself!
HEY YOU! If you’re going to teleport away like that, at least mind-text me later. I was waiting up all night. HEY YOU! Cool girl with the space suit. You’re farther out than Mars. HEY YOU! If the person who stole my horse is reading this, you had better neigh-ver show your face ‘round these parts again. HEY YOU! I still like Pelton’s weather machine better. HEY YOU! Jouster on the Willamette team, you can throw me off my horse any time ;) HEY YOU! Kid using that crazy marijuana drug. Stop! It will make you dumb!
HEY YOU! Forget the Oregon Trail, I’ll follow you to the end of the earth
HEY YOU! Sorry about knocking you into that stray time portal. Hope 17th Century Massachusetts is treating you all right. Try not to get burnt at the stake!
HEY YOU! Who do you think you are, the wife of Henry VIII?
HEY YOU! You must be from Salem, you son of a witch!
On Thursday, March 21, your local squires: • Voted to make leeches available in • Voted to increase the thatching the Bishop Healing center for stuand mud available to students who dents who feel their humors are out wish to prepare their dorm rooms of balance. for warmer weather. • Made a pilgrimage to Portland, • Discussed the limited availability of where they observed the population horse stalls and carriage parking of shoeless jesters with unshaven spaces available around the joustfaces and large eyeglasses. ing field. Join us on Thursdays at 7 p.m. in Montag Den!
WANTED
The Collegian is looking for page layout designers. Get paid to have fun and be creative. Requirements: Adobe inDesign experience, fun/positive energy, and availability on Tuesday afternoons and evenings. Email Colleen Smyth at csmyth@willamette.edu to set up an interview (no paper application required).