Why "We" Didn't Choose You: A Relationship Handbook For Women (and Men), Vol. I

Why “We” Didn’t Choose You A Relationship Handbook for Women (and Men) William T. Hoston

CONTENTS _____________________________________________

Acknowledgements

Introduction

v

vi

Chapter I:

Why “We” Didn’t Choose You.

1

Chapter II:

Are Men “Naturally” Cheaters?

26

Chapter III: Damaged Goods: Can I Get An Itemized Receipt?

78

Chapter IV: Are We Having Sex Or Making Love?

142

Chapter V:

189

Call 911: There Is An Emergency In the Relationship.

INTRODUCTION ______________________________________ One Monday morning while driving to the gym, I was venting to one of my best friends, Livingston. I told him that I had been frustrated with my inability over the years to find a woman who I considered worthy of marrying. In his jovial, good-humored tone, he said, “You are way too picky. You have met a lot of good women you could have married.” I replied, “Yes, they were good women. But, they weren’t good for me. For the record, I’m not picky. I just know what I want and I refuse to settle.” I began to describe how the women he was referring to had major issues. Men had cheated on some of them and it made these women insecure, others had several children, a few had a lot of emotional baggage, while the rest just couldn’t make me happy. Livingston is a very positive guy and often gives feedback in stark contradiction of most men. His advice was for me to be patient, endure the minor difficulties in the beginning of relationships, allow relationships to mature, and grasp the fact that all women will have some type of emotional baggage.

After I hung up with Livingston, I called his brother, Anthony. Anthony’s perspective on relationships is more in line with my own. Instead of being the constant optimist like his brother, he is the perpetual realist. When I vented the same frustrations, he said, “One thing I have found in relationships is that women will take available security over love any day. Women don’t want to be in love with a man, they want to be in love with the image of the man they have created in their minds.” My discussions about relationships with Anthony are vastly different than those with Livingston. During our conversation, we called Livingston and conferenced him into our call. The exchange of dialogue during our conversation led to the idea to formulate this book.

To begin the process of putting this book together, I recruited men of all races, ages, social backgrounds, educational backgrounds, and relationship statuses. I soon realized from the initial discussion sessions with the men, they all had the same common issues with women.

Despite differences in their demographics, all the men had a combination of fond, disparaging, and lasting memories of the women they didn’t choose. These discussions propelled my desire to assemble this book and share their similar stories about past and current relationships.

It was important for the group of men to be very forthcoming about their relationship experiences. Absolutely no real names were used in this book. This was done to protect the privacy of the contributing writers. Although the names are fictional to protect the men’s identity, all the stories are very true. The men provided thought-provoking opinions on a number

of central questions offered by women. I would be remiss if I didn’t state that these men are not relationship experts, but merely individuals offering their point of view about the complex nature of relationships. All women will not agree with their standpoint on relationships. In spite of this it is imperative to understand that differing opinions exist, and what these men believe about women and relationships are shared beliefs among the masses of men.

For women who have lost hope and feel that they will never understand men, this book promises to offer a feeling of optimism. Women will learn that all men aren’t chauvinist, insensitive, and selfish. While the group of men makes no excuses for their past transgressions, this book offers them an opportunity to explain why they cheated, why they couldn’t commit, and more importantly, why they didn’t choose women from their most substantive relationships.

Why “We” Didn’t Choose You will hopefully help single and married women better understand the complexities of relationships. The rapport between men and women is arguably the most complicated to explain. If single women are reading this book, chances are they want to gain more information about why they weren’t chosen for marriage in a past relationship, or why their current relationship is failing to lead to marriage. The panel of men provide practical information for these women to increase their self-awareness in relationships, expand their ability to better understand men, offer information on how to handle conflict in relationships, and further show them how to develop an appreciation for the fundamental differences between men and women. If married women are reading this book, it provides insight on how to keep the barriers of trust, understanding, compromise, and lines of communication open to continue to experience happiness.

In chapter one, the men begin with a love letter written to the women they didn’t choose.

Chapter two deals with why men cheat and discuss the implications of cheating. Chapter three focuses on the baggage of women and the importance of overcoming baggage to create healthy relationships. Chapter four talks about the significance of sexual intimacy in relationships.

Finally, in chapter five, the men explore the different meanings of love and the value of communication in relationships.

I invite women to join the panel of men as they discuss and present their opinions on relationships. They will explain in their own words how past and current experiences have shaped their point of view on relationships. In the following pages women will be introduced to six ordinary men with an extraordinary perspective on the interaction between men and women.

CHAPTER II ____________________________________ ARE MEN “NATURALLY” CHEATERS? Why do men cheat? This is an age-old question. Men have been cheating for centuries. The majority of men are motivated by sex and lots of it. It is no secret that men who cheat want sexual variety and that is achieved with different women. These men find it hard to resist the temptation of a new sex partner. Because they operate under a guilt-free rationale, these men summate their desire to cheat with another woman as just sex. Many men consider having sex with someone other than their partner as pure, unadulterated, meaningless sex. The ability to rationalize cheating nullifies the attachment between sex and love often experienced by women.

The need for different sex is not the single reason that some men cheat. These reasons range from their fear of commitment, boredom, their partner has let herself go, wanting to see if they still have it, growing apart, and escaping the problems of a faltering marriage. While we routinely examine why men cheat, the discussion seldom focuses on the repercussions of their actions or how they perceive that it affects women.

This chapter investigates why men cheat and discusses the implications of cheating. The panel of men will talk about the following questions and offer their insight: Why do men cheat?

Does men’s cheating contribute to women’s insecurities? Are women’s insecurities the downfall of a new relationship? Why can men cheat but feel betrayed when they are cheated on?

Why Do Men Cheat?

Drew A woman may ask, “Why do men cheat?” and I respond, “Why do men not cheat? There are many forms of cheating, particularly physical and emotional. It starts-off with a simple “hello, how are you,” and later turns into a complicated “we can’t continue to do this anymore.”

Between those times, a physical attraction between a man and woman is established.

Most men judge women by their physical appearance. When I was a young man, I remember solely liking women for their facial looks and physical shapes --- a pretty face with large breasts and a nice butt. As I grew older, I wanted to know more about women so I would ask older guys. I believed that they had a better understanding of women (or so I thought). I would ask them how I should talk to a woman that I liked. Most of the older guys had a girlfriend or wife,

so my assumption was that they could provide me with beneficial information. I only wanted one girlfriend. My belief was that if I were dating someone exclusively that would allow me the best opportunity to experience the most joy in a relationship.

Over time, my perspective toward being in a monogamous relationship changed. Guys would make fun of me for having only one girlfriend. I thought that if I wanted to be cool and apart of the “in” crowd, I needed multiple girlfriends. The more girlfriends the cooler you were considered. This eventually became the norm rather than the exception. Getting a new girlfriend was like taking drugs and I became addicted. There always had to be a new girlfriend, and she had to have something that the last one didn’t have. After accumulating a fleet of girlfriends, I would always brag about how many I had and the number of them I was having sex with.

The aftermath of this behavior is that when a man begins to seriously look for a lifepartner, the process can be difficult because he has wasted a lot of time in meaningless relationships. Men become victims of quantity. The day will come when he finds himself looking for one woman to settle down with. This will be a new feeling. The man then tells himself it is time to be monogamous. However, his previous pattern of behavior makes it tough to break the “cheating cycle.” He lacks discipline. Now, it becomes hard to be in a serious, committed relationship.

Javier Warning! I am going to tell the truth. Most women reading this will not like me.

Hopefully women will respect my honesty. If I offend any woman, I would like to apologize in advance.

The billion-dollar question is, why do men cheat? The answer is simple, because we can.

Women worry about the wrong thing instead of the right thing. The wrong thing is wondering what we are doing when we aren’t with them. They always assume that we are cheating. So, to ease their mind I cheat. If women are going to “ASS-ume” it, then I don’t want to disappoint them.

Most men do not know why they cheat. They blame it on being a man. When a man gets caught, he will use this as an excuse. The woman may be mad temporarily. But, she usually ends up forgiving the man. Women tell themselves, “He’s a good man. I don’t want to lose him because he cheated on me. We have been together a long time, and I don’t want to start over.”

To validate these feelings, the man normally entices the woman to have make-up sex. He makes sure that the sex is intense, passionate, and filled with apologies to discourage her from leaving.

Simple thinking, but it has worked for me many times. Men like me exist because women allow me to.

Some women would rather have a piece of a man than no man at all. Even when a woman knows her man is cheating, she will not leave. Why? The answer is because he takes care of the home, gives her money, and provides great sex. More importantly, she tolerates it because she has low self-esteem. When a man discovers that the woman has low self-esteem, most of the time he will take advantage of her. In some cases, rather than the woman leaving because she knows he is cheating, she competes against the unknown woman. His cheating actually propels her to try harder to please him.

Instead of asking why men cheat, we should be asking why some women knowingly cheat with men in relationships, especially married men. I think I know the answer. These women believe they have a better chance at getting someone else’s man than their own. That is sad. These women are contributing to other women’s pain. In fact, I know a lot of women that have sex with married men to intentionally sever the bond of the marriage. We would think that women would be happy for each other. Most of the time, the women that seek to have sex with married men are the ones that have been cheated on. They are what I call, “Bitter Bitches.”

Like I said in the beginning, men cheat because we can. I may or may not continue to cheat. When I enter into a new relationship I don’t intend to cheat, but it happens over time.

Women need to know that at some point in the relationship the man will cheat. Yes, your man, too. I’m talking to all the non-believers.

Issac “Why do men cheat” is a long-standing question that has a simple, yet somewhat complex answer. Basically, it boils down to two important variables: Motivation (M) and Opportunity (O), in this exact order of hierarchy.

For the purpose of clarification lets define what I mean by Motivation versus Opportunity. Motivation is when a man is in a relationship with a woman that he finds dissatisfying and/or no longer makes him happy. Opportunity is a favorable situation and/or set of circumstances that provide him with the chance to commit an act of infidelity without being caught.

Sounds simple, right? Men are fairly simple creatures, especially in terms of our socialization habits. Our relationships with women are no exception. Motivation (M) and Opportunity (O) will usually result in one of the following outcomes: “M” minus “O” In this scenario, we have a man with plenty of motivation but no opportunity. The reason he doesn’t have the opportunity could be that most women don’t find him attractive. It could be that he lacks financial means or he may have a very distrusting partner that keeps tabs on him, or

perhaps all of the above. Regardless of why there is no opportunity, the likelihood of him cheating decreases. Therefore, he will be patient and eagerly wait for the opportunity to cheat.

“O” minus “M” A man with opportunity but no serious motivation is an individual that is generally happy or content with the woman in his life. I use disclaimers like “serious motivation” and “generally” because while this guy should be considered a safe bet not to cheat, there will always be temptations. Such as, having sex again with his first love, his baby-mother, a stripper, or favorite celebrity sex symbols (e.g., Megan Fox, Halle Berry, or Scarlett Johansson to name a few) that would affect him much like kryptonite weakens Superman. Let’s face it, the odds favor cheating.

“M” plus “O” As relationships get old, motivation plus opportunity is the equivalent to throwing a match in a gunpowder shed because eventually the shit is about to blow up! In this instance, you may have a man who is unhappy in the relationship but is physically and financially appealing to the opposite sex. This situation doesn’t only create an opportunity for him to cheat but propels women to seek him out.

In sum, the average man falls into each of these three categories at some point. Some men will more than once. Each scenario represents the proverbial sliding scale of happiness for men. In the best-case scenario for women, “M” plus “O” is a short-lived phase and the couple can address the inherent problems in the relationship.

Brian Why do men cheat is a loaded question. There are a number of explanations as to why men cheat, but I am only going to focus on three salient reasons. First, there are men that feel like they are missing out on a better partner by being committed to one woman. Second, some men want to see if they still have it. Third, a lot of men enjoy a variety of different women.

The reasons listed above are not new but they are still reasons that need further explanation. The first reason operates under the assumption that men are missing out on something by being committed to one woman. That goes back to the old saying, “The grass is greener on the other side.” Men are hesitant to commit. When we finally do we are always thinking about what we are missing out on. This idea can be tied to men getting bored in a monogamous relationship. I think by nature the attention span of a man is shorter than that of a woman. Therefore, he needs to be constantly stimulated either by affirming words to stroke his ego or great sex to maintain his interest. If a man gets bored in a relationship his mind starts to wonder. As my grandmother would say, “A wondering mind leads to new bee-hind.”

This leads to reason number two, seeing if he still has it. Once the man gets bored in the relationship, he will then try to find new ways to stimulate himself. Many times, he will go out with his friends and intentionally flirt with random women to see if he still has what it takes to get another woman. For example, if a man has been in a monogamous relationship or married for several years he will start to wonder if he can still attract a new woman. His initial intention might not be to cheat. In fact, he may just want to press his luck. However, innocent flirting leads to more intense flirting followed by sexual innuendos. This often leads to cheating because it is very difficult for a man whose ego believes he is missing out on something to turn down sex.

Finally, the most simplistic reason, men just love women and believe it is impossible to turn down an attractive woman. It is no secret that a man who is married or involved in a monogamous relationship appears attractive to a single woman. This leads to all sorts of problems for the man because temptation often wins in the majority of battles against cheating.

In sum, the man becomes bored in his current relationship and feels as though he needs a different type of stimulation. He searches for a thrill outside of his relationship by engaging in a new relationship with another woman to see if he still has it. His goal is not necessarily to cheat but to encounter a new experience. Why does he still cheat when that wasn’t his initial goal?

The honest answer is that his ego temporarily becomes more important than the relationship he is in.

Blake In general, I would say that men cheat because of availability, lack of discipline, and because it addresses their insecurities. First of all, it is easy to cheat. I have never been in a relationship where I didn’t cheat. I have been in relationships where my goal was to be totally committed and not cheat, but somewhere down the line I cheated.

Many times I cheated because of availability. I was always in pursuit of what I called, “The Chase.” The chase is when men believe that no sex is better than new sex. While most men will not admit it, they love having sex with multiple women. And unfortunately for women that seek a committed relationship, there are also women that enjoy multiple partners with no strings attached.

Women may ask, why can’t men be disciplined? The honest answer is that men lack discipline. Personally, I loved the chase and many times I couldn’t help myself. There were times when the attraction to another woman was so strong that I pursued her without even thinking about it. Should I have had more self-control? Yes. I cheated on some good women that attempted to do their best to satisfy me.

This leads to the third explanation. Why would I cheat on a “good woman?” The answer is, I was insecure. Cheating reinforced my masculinity and made me feel like I was in control of

my emotions and the relationship. There was a time when I was in a serious, committed relationship that I cheated intentionally. I was afraid of commitment and the idea of only being with one woman for the rest of my life scared me to death. The most serious relationship that I was in was long distance. I would frequently go visit her from Thursday to Sunday. We would have an amazing time. But, it scared me because I could feel the intensity of the relationship growing. I loved her and truly believed that she would be the one I spent the rest of my life with.

One Sunday on the plane ride home I met a young lady, we exchanged cell phone numbers, and I ended up having sex with her that night. In fact, I slept with a different woman for the next four days almost to cleanse myself of the bond that was being established between my girlfriend and I. I cheated to avoid commitment.

Hunter My initial thought about this question was why are we only singling out men. A review of history provides evidence that both men and women cheat. However, since the nature of this question is to shed some light on why men cheat I will stay focused on the task at hand. In my opinion, men cheat for three reasons: (1) “Nature versus Nurture,” (2) “Unmet Needs” or “Want Satisfaction,” and (3) “Diminishing Passion” in the relationship. First, it isn’t in a man’s nature to be with just one woman. The “Nature versus Nurture” argument proposes that a man has an uncontrollable desire to be with more than one woman. However, some women will argue that this goes against the grain of what it means to be in a monogamous relationship. Consequently, we as men have convinced ourselves that we are supposed to be with only one woman. I know that few women will agree with my premise, but yet, I suggest there is validity. For example, in the past I have dated women from other countries that have told me that they “expect” or “know that their man is going to have more than one woman.” I was kind of shocked when I heard this.

Different cultures accept and permit certain lifestyles. Do these cultures have a more realistic perspective on relationships or are the women from these cultures submissive to a fault? I choose the former.

The second premise that I have about cheating is probably the more familiar one. It revolves around the ideal of “Unmet Needs.” For me, this is a rather simple concept. If a man does not get his needs met at home, then he will seek to have them met in other places. This isn’t a complex equation. Human needs center around a concept called “Want Satisfaction.”

Those of you that majored in Marketing in college should be familiar with this concept. The basic premise is that in relationships, like in Marketing, the goal is to appeal to the customer.

The two customers in this case are the man and woman. Both need to understand that in the relationship, each one is solely responsible for meeting the others needs. If one or the other fails to recognize, accept fault, and take action for this responsibility, then there will always be

problems. This is at the root of why men cheat. In this case, the woman is responsible for making sure that the man’s needs are met. If she does not meet his needs, then the man will be more likely to seek fulfillment elsewhere. Conversely, it is also the responsibility of the man to be equally attentive to the needs of the woman.

Finally, continuing from reason number two, my last point is “Diminishing Passion.”

Once an individual agrees to take on the responsibility of “Want Satisfaction,” then they have another duty in the relationship. That obligation is to be energetic and enthusiastic about their choice. It is not satisfactory to go through the motions. There has to be passion and love during this process. Both parties often fall short in this area and are always looking for external ways to fulfill their needs.

I personally believe that men who cheat because there is a decline of passion in the relationship have to first check themselves and be accountable for their actions. Each man has to ask himself the question, “Did I do all that I could to keep the flame going in the relationship?”

If the answer is “No,” then I don’t agree that cheating on your partner is the best alternative.

Does Men’s Cheating Contribute To Women’s Insecurities?

Drew I do agree that men are highly responsible for women’s insecurities. In most relationships, women often trust men until we violate their trust. This usually stems from cheating. I can’t speak for all women, but I do believe that most are programmed at a young age to want to trust their mate. That is why you can tell a woman a lie that she knows is not true, and she will convince herself to believe it. A woman will trust a man until she has a reason not to.

She does not want to not trust him. Women perceive that to be counterproductive to the advancement of the relationship. When a woman catches a man cheating, the trust diminishes substantially if not all together. From that point forward, the relationship is fractured, and it often leads to the onset of her insecurities. Since she forgives but never forgets the repressed emotions from her being cheated on lead to her feeling inadequate.

This is further compounded when the woman stays in the relationship. I truly believe that despite the man breaking the woman’s trust, she also contributes to her own insecurities because she chooses to stay in the relationship. A woman knows in her heart that there is a chance he will cheat again. However, she holds onto the belief that he loves her and tells herself, “He is just being a man.” The woman wants to trust him again.

Javier Men do not contribute to women’s insecurities because most women believe that all men are dogs. If women think that all men are dogs, then they should expect the worst. I am sure at some point in the courting process, she threw him a bone, he brought it back, and she said “good doggy.” There were signs early on that the man was prone to cheat. She ignored those signs like most women do.

Most women are gluttons for punishment. They want a bad boy. If they were looking for a good man, then why would you want a bad boy? That sounds dumb to me and very hypocritical. Women already know what they are getting themselves into by the type of men they meet. For instance, if they meet a man in a nightclub and exchange cell phone numbers there is a high probability that their number isn’t the only one he received that night. I’m not suggesting that a woman can’t meet the man of her dreams in a nightclub, but it is unlikely. The man may have gotten six numbers that night. Men play their odds. If he got six numbers, at least four will be interested, and he may have sex with at least two (if not all six).

I also believe that women’s insecurities come from their own selfish nature. I hear a lot of women say, “A man has got to win me over. He has to gain my trust. I am going to make him work for my love.” If a woman believes a man will work that hard, she is stupid. A man may fool you to think that he is going to work hard to win you over, and he may even allow you to feel that you are in control of the direction of the relationship. However, in the end, he will want his manhood back. For many men, that comes in the form of cheating. In fact, depending on how hard you made him work in the beginning, he may have been cheating on you the entire relationship to show you and prove to himself that no woman can be the boss of him. Even the lame men do this, so no woman is safe.

Issac Yes, men contribute to women’s insecurities. Although, we should understand that the average woman would have insecurities whether her partner cheats on her or not. The fact that she believes with certainty that all men are capable of cheating is enough to contribute to her preexisting insecurities. My point is that sometimes it doesn’t matter whether the man initiates it by cheating or not.

Let me provide an example. Some women are very guarded due to insecurities. Few men stand much of a chance establishing a trusting and loving relationship with her. Let’s say that Jack meets Jill by happenstance through mutual friends. Their first encounter is at a coffee shop. They strike up conversation with no real agenda other than exercising basic social courtesies and small talk. In the process, he develops an interest. However, Jill is very standoff-

ish because maybe her brother is a “male-whore,” and he has repeatedly told her that all guys want is sex. Also, recently her female best friend was cheated on by her fiancé. Although Jill has never experienced being cheated on directly, she has heard stories that have influenced how she interacts with men. She has vowed to never let it happen to her. Unfortunately for Jack, despite his intentions, he is presumed guilty due to her insecurities and the personal testimonies of others.

Brian I believe that a man does not contribute to a woman’s insecurities by cheating on her. I am going out on a limb; however I believe that all men and women are insecure about something related to them. These insecurities are heightened when you enter into a relationship with another person. We hope our insecurities won’t interfere with the natural progression of the relationship. Traditionally when a woman enters into a new relationship she is more likely to let her guard down faster than the man. This potentially causes her to get hurt much faster. For example, let’s look at a scenario that displays the type of woman who is insecure and will continue to be insecure no matter the actions of the man. This is mainly because she has never been comfortable with herself and that is exposed in the relationship.

This particular scenario describes a couple that has been together for seven years and married for three of them. The woman who I will name Tanya has battled weight problems pretty much her entire life. Her husband who I will name Jackson is very health conscious and would like his wife to be as well. Jackson gives Tanya subtle hints that she should work out to become healthier. He also offers to go to the gym with her. Jackson feels that his wife is attractive but there is much room for improvement. He finds that bringing up the idea that Tanya should workout to stay healthy exposes an insecurity of hers. It has caused constant friction in the marriage. Tanya has told him on several occasions, “If you didn’t like my body then you shouldn’t have married me.”

This scenario is just one of many where women have different insecurities that they are dealing with internally.

One or more of their insecurities will become exposed in the relationship. Subsequently, if the man were to cheat and get caught the insecurity would be magnified because the woman would automatically identify it as the reason the man cheated.

Blake I’m just as guilty as the next man of cheating, but I refuse to believe that I have contributed to a woman’s insecurities. Am I naïve in thinking this way? Maybe. First of all, only one woman has ever caught me cheating. Many may have thought or suspected, but only

one has caught me red-handed. I have never been a deliberate cheater, it just happens over the course of the relationship. In the past, I cheated because the relationship became boring. I like adventure, new things. For what it’s worth, I was a “good cheater.” I was always respectful and abided by Man Law, which is to take care of home first. I do believe that there are certain lines in a relationship that shouldn’t cross, but at the time cheating wasn’t one of them.

This is important because women tend to develop insecurities from relationships where the man is outwardly disrespectful (e.g., admitting he cheated and doesn’t care, wearing his cell phone at home, always keeping his cell phone on vibrate, texting in private, and keeping his phone locked). During a past break up, an ex-girlfriend wrote the following email: I want you to understand there is a deeper place where my hurt comes from. Don’t get me wrong, I am hurt and upset about me and you ending our relationship but there is a deeper hurt that accompanies this. I was in a relationship where I gave a man everything I had.

All my time, money, energy, made great sacrifices and gave all the affirmation in the world. I promised I would never hurt him, promised I would never leave him, stayed loyal to him and proved to him over and over again how much I loved him and would never abandon him. I gave him so much I had very little to give myself and now have very little to give to another relationship. What does it mean exactly when someone tells you, “I’m done using you now. I don't have any more use for you in my life.” And you never hear from them again. I don't know what it means but I know the repercussions of that experience.

The above email shows that some men have malicious intent and cheat with no consciousness. This is even more detrimental to the woman’s psyche. My ex-girlfriend validated this notion when she wrote in the same email, “And now since he [former exboyfriend] screwed me over and scarred me as far as relationships are concerned, it is difficult for me to find it within myself to give that much and love that hard with another person.”

Hunter This is another great question that will help men and women understand the impact of their actions. For me, the simple answer is “Yes.” We as men, collectively, are probably the major source of women’s insecurities. I also believe a large part of women’s insecurities can be traced back to the images that are presented to them through the media. The media depicts women as sexual objects. This can have a detrimental effect on their psyche.

In order to positively impact women’s perceptions of themselves, we as a society have to provide them with positive images that demonstrate their value and worth as a person. When young girls that grow to be women are only left with images of themselves that are demeaning, then men should expect them to have low self-esteem, poor self-efficacy, and unable to function in a relationship. Most women need men to constantly validate their existence.

How many times should a man have to tell his partner she is beautiful? How many times should he have to tell her that he likes her outfit? How many times will she ask him is she getting fat without wanting to hear the truth? How many times will she ask him does he think that another woman is more beautiful than her? Women need constant affirmation. If her partner isn’t giving it to her, she will seek it elsewhere.

Recommendations for Women Define Cheating.

The term cheating needs to be defined in the relationship. It can be interpreted in many ways. The couple should establish a set of criteria to define cheating. Sit down with your partner and list what actions and behaviors are considered as cheating. For some women cheating can be simply flirting. Other women may not regard it as cheating until their partner has had sex with another woman. To eliminate this grey area the couple should take out a piece of paper, draw a line down the middle, and on one side the woman writes down what she deems as cheating and the man writes on the other side.

Stop Accusing Him Or He Will Eventually Commit The Crime.

Women please do not constantly accuse your partner of cheating unless you have definitive proof that he may be participating in extracurricular activities. The accusations may entice him to start. If he is being treated as a criminal, he will eventually commit the crime.

Many times women misread the behavior of men. By nature, men are inconsistent beings and unless women explain their expectations for the relationship, they will never be met.

CHAPTER III _____________________________________ DAMAGED GOODS: CAN I GET AN ITEMIZED RECEIPT? Many relationships never develop because men and women introduce the other to their “representative.” A representative is an illusory image standing or acting for the person who you are interacting with. Representatives are considered to be important for both parties in the early stages of the relationship. For women, it helps those who have been hurt in past relationships control their feelings, not let down their emotional guard, and deal with their baggage. For men, it helps them to create a facade and cast the illusion of being someone or something that they aren’t. More importantly, it allows them a period of time to decide whether or not to enter into a serious, committed relationship with a woman that has baggage.

When men introduce women to their representatives, it becomes impossible for women to get to know them. If a woman is exiting an unhealthy relationship with baggage and attempting to begin a prosperous endeavor with a man, the probability of success can be relatively low. If the man discovers that the woman has baggage, more than likely she will be introduced to his representative, and may never meet his true identity. This can potentially lead to emotional exploitation in the relationship. Rather than trying to understand a woman’s personality, strengths, and weaknesses, some men will identify and exploit the woman’s weaknesses for his personal gain. The presence of the representative gives men the ability to be untruthful, and start the relationship in a deliberating space to find out if they are willing to cope with the woman’s baggage.

This chapter will focus on the baggage of women, and the importance of overcoming baggage to create healthy relationships. The panel of men will discuss the following questions: How does a man handle a woman that comes into the relationship with too much baggage?

What does a man need from a woman while in a relationship to satisfy his emotional needs?

What does it mean when a woman says, “I’m a good person. Why can’t I find a good man?”

Why do women want to continue to be friends with men they have had sex with?

How Does A Man Handle A Woman With Too Much Baggage?

Drew When a man enters a new relationship where the woman has too much baggage, he quickly becomes disinterested in any type of serious commitment. More importantly, he doesn’t want to engage in discussions about the direction of the relationship. He will avoid those at all costs. It is because the man knows that the relationship is temporary. In fact, I know many men that don’t want to acquire any important information about women they are dating. For instance, I have a friend name Frank that has dated a woman for over six months and doesn’t know basic information about her. Frank doesn’t know her birth date, middle name, how many siblings she has, her parents or siblings names, the name of the company she works for, nor her office number. His reasoning for not acquiring this information is that, “She has too much baggage.

This is a sex thing, not a love thing.”

Women with baggage equate to more responsibilities for men. Most men do not want to deal with added responsibilities. These women need men who are understanding, affirming, and tolerant. First, women with baggage tend to inundate men with their problems. At what point does the woman’s problems, become the man’s problems? The added responsibility of absorbing another person’s problems will eventually take a toll on the relationship. This is why men who meet women with baggage need to be more understanding.

Many men begin dealing with women that have baggage at a young age. For example, when I was twenty years old, I met a twenty-two year old woman that had a three year old son.

She and the baby’s father had only dated for five months before she became pregnant. After she had the baby, they split up. She hadn’t seen the father since the baby was two days old. Twice a week I went to her apartment and hung out with her and the son. We would have a good time.

She would cook dinner while I played video games with her son and took him outside to play. I even helped her read him a bedtime story a couple of times.

After three weeks of visiting, prior to arriving at her apartment, she began to ask me to pick up items from the grocery store for her son. The first time it was baby powder and lotion, the second time it was milk and cereal, and the third time it was a thermometer to check her son for a fever. After the third time, I explained to her that I wasn’t the baby’s father, and I felt she was becoming too dependent on me. She broke down crying and told me, “I thought you were different. My son likes you. When you aren’t here, he asks when are you coming over. I want you to be in our lives. You’re not being understanding of my situation. I thought you cared about us.” Listening to her tirade confirmed my feelings.

Next, women with baggage need a man that is affirming. When she told me, “You’re not understanding of my situation,” I could have provided words of affirmation and said, “I do

understand your situation. I care about you a lot. I want to help you in any way I can.” But, I didn’t. In fact, when she said that I headed toward the door. She pulled on my arm and said, “Don’t leave us. Why are you doing this? You’re doing the same thing my baby’s father did.

I’ll pay you for the thermometer if that is what you want.” Immediately, I began to realize that she didn’t understand my point. In less than three weeks of seeing each other, she had become clingy.

Last, women with baggage need a man that is tolerant. When I first started visiting them, I was open-minded to dating a woman with a child. Despite my initial fears, I actually enjoyed visiting them, playing video games with her son, and especially playing house with her after he went to sleep. When she started asking me to bring items for him that freaked me out. Even though her requests were minor, I perceived it as the beginning of a major life change I was about to embark upon. I wasn’t tolerant of the situation.

Javier All women have baggage. If they say it’s not true, they are lying. In order to be in a healthy and lasting relationship, this is a fact that men must accept. The baggage can be something as small as insecurities about their physical appearance, to something as big as being a single mother with four children. The best ways to handle women with baggage is for men to first try and identify the baggage and then decide whether or not they can take this baggage with them on the journey of life. The ability to identify and decide the proper way to handle women’s baggage is difficult. Men have to accept the type and magnitude of it. This undertaking can be challenging for most men.

The main key to dealing with baggage is for men to know their limits! The burden men take on when dealing with baggage can be stressful. Some women are crazy. Let me rephrase the previous statement. Some women are crazy as hell! Therefore, the worst thing a man can do is stay with a woman that has baggage because he feels sorry for her. Some men develop the “Savior complex.” They want to be the woman’s Knight in shining amour, come into her life, rid her of problems, and they live happily ever after. The storybook ending sounds nice, but in the majority of cases, it is very unrealistic. It is hard to be her savior when the woman is constantly playing the role of victim. A lot of women would have men thinking that they are victims (i.e., The Walking Wounded). While some women have been victimized emotionally, verbally, and physically in relationships, those that haven’t relish in also playing the role of victim to gain sympathy. And unfortunately, some men feed into this nonsense because they have hurt women in the past. To make up for past transgressions, they try to right their wrongs.

Instead of loving these women in spite of, these men empathize with women’s emotional state and love them because.

Relationships are supposed to be complementary, not complicated. Valuable time is wasted when men develop the “Savior complex.” Women are waddling in their shortcomings, and men are allowing them to because they feel sorry for these women. In all actuality, men are doing these women a disservice. When men act out the “Savior complex,” it is usually in situations where the woman has too much baggage. This leads to men having overwhelming feelings of sympathy, compassion, and consideration for her and her situation. In the end, the “Savior complex” will lead to women being hurt even more if the relationship doesn’t materialize.

Even women with baggage deserve to have a good man. However, they should not bombard men with their problems. What a man entering a new relationship with a woman that has baggage needs to realize is a major decision has to be made. He should not become a prisoner of her circumstances, and the woman shouldn’t hold his emotions hostage by playing the role of victim.

Issac This question depends largely on the following: First, how the woman carries the baggage. Second, what type of baggage she’s carrying. Third, the type of man helping her carry the baggage.

How she carries the baggage.

In many cases, it may not matter that the woman has baggage, but how she carries it.

After all, none of us are perfect (although there are many who may believe they are). This means we all carry a certain amount of “baggage” in our lives based on our past experiences. There is a difference between acknowledging that an individual has baggage, rather than being in complete denial. First of all, the latter isn’t very flattering. And second, most of us aren’t willing to admit our own flaws.

Men respect women that both acknowledge they have baggage and are willing to address it. It’s a sign of resilience and character, which many men respect. That doesn’t guarantee that men will want to continue a dating relationship with women that have baggage. In rare cases, the woman will identify her baggage and give the man the opportunity to exit the relationship because she understands the added responsibility.

What type of baggage she’s carrying.

Some baggage just doesn’t travel well. Depending on the type of baggage a woman is carrying, it can actually hinder her from attracting a man, especially a good man. For instance, if the baggage a woman carries consists of four children by three men, always talking about how

her last boyfriend hurt her, or extreme mood swings, random temper tantrums, depression, always acting selfish, overly narcissistic --- these are all bad types of baggage. I have encountered a lot of women that have these types of baggage, from an executive of a major corporation to the woman working the register at Starbucks Coffee.

My personal experience has been, the more attractive the woman, the more baggage she has because she is privileged to more opportunities to meet men. I once dated a lawyer name Jane. She loved to date professional athletes, particularly baseball players. Jane wasn’t the typical gold-digger because she was a lawyer with a six-figure salary. Yet, she was infatuated with the idea of marrying a professional athlete. She dated several, and they all broke her heart.

Actually, she had sex with several because I don’t believe any of them wanted a serious, committed relationship with her. When we started dating, she would always bitch about how men are no good, especially professional athletes. One day I asked has she ever dated one of them. Jane went into a cursing frenzy about how each one of them had “fucked her over.” She now hates all professional athletes.

Poor Jane. Before I broke up with her, I explained the professional athlete to groupie ratio. I used the city of Houston, Texas as an example. There are 25 men on the active roster for the professional baseball team, the Houston Astros. Half of them are married (but with professional athletes that does not usually matter). In 2008, there were approximately 2.2 million people living in Houston. I estimated that there were about 400,000 single women, of all races and ethnicities, between the ages of 18-45. So, 25/400,000 = 0.0000625. My point was, there wasn’t a chance in hell that one of them was going to marry Jane. The reason she had probably slept with several of them was because they were passing her around. She was in denial of being a groupie. I told her the best way to court, date, and potentially marry a professional athlete is to not have sex with him.

The type of man helping her carry the baggage.

Stick with me as I borrow terminology from the Hospitality industry. A woman has to choose the right “bellhop” to help carry her baggage. If a woman knows she has a shit load of bags when arriving to the hotel, she shouldn’t choose the scrawniest guy at the bell desk. Let the check-in counter know you have a lot of bags, so they can assign a bellhop that can handle the situation. The same principles apply to relationships.

Allow a man to enter the relationship “eyes wide open.” A woman must be honest with any unsuspecting man that comes into her life. Give the man a clue as to what he will be dealing with. Be honest about what you need from him in order to handle the baggage you carry.

Brian First, men and women come into relationships with some sort of baggage. In my opinion, baggage is one of the top reasons why relationships don’t work. I would rank-order the failure of relationships as: (1) Finances, (2) Sex, and (3) Baggage. The first two reasons only lead to the fate of the relationship after the couple has dealt with some form of baggage. If the baggage continues to linger, that coupled with financial and sexual problems can make for an explosive, unhealthy relationship.

I will take a different approach to discussing the baggage of women. Instead of discussing the reactive nature of how men respond, I will explain two proactive approaches that keep men from entering the relationship, however they still enjoy the benefits (either small or large) that the relationship has to offer. These two proactive approaches that men use to deal with women that have baggage are: (1) the “Stall technique,” and (2) the “I’m a Victim, Too” technique.

First, I will discuss the “Stall technique.” Both professional men and every-day Joes exercise the “Stall technique.” However, the technique works better for professional men. Let me explain. Women with baggage have low self-esteem. This condition makes them feel inadequate, and many times unworthy of having a good man. When they are introduced to or meet a good man, their low self-esteem leads them to doubt whether the man will commit to a serious relationship. Simultaneously, the professional man measures the woman’s amount of baggage. He learns that she has low-esteem. Also, he realizes she may be desperate, lonely, and desires to have a man of his caliber.

Here is the catch. The professional man must convey to her that while he really likes her, his commitment to work won’t allow him to give the proper time, effort, and energy to a serious relationship. Inevitably, her desperation, loneliness, and desire to have a good man (or what she perceives to be a good man), will submit to whatever type of relationship the man is willing to provide. Thus, she will allow the man to enjoy all the privileges of being in a relationship without actually being in a relationship. The man benefits from the “Stall technique” by being able to avoid a relationship with a woman carrying baggage.

Second, women should also avoid the “I’m a Victim, Too” technique that many men have added to their list of pick-up lines. This is the man that relates to all of the woman’s problems because he has also experienced them. The specific problem that he uses to hook the woman is cheating, however the problems can vary. He explains to her that he has been cheated on in the past, and how much pain he endured because of it. This is why he is afraid to enter a new relationship because he doesn’t want to be hurt. The man makes the woman feel sorry for him.

Before the woman knows it, she is putting forth a tremendous amount of effort to make him

happy while he has no real intention to be in a serious, committed relationship with her. And so, the man is able to avoid being in a relationship with a woman that has baggage.

The “I’m a Victim, Too” technique is brilliant because it is a great form of reverse psychology. Men are the masters of reverse psychology. When the man begins to distance himself or shows less of an interest, the woman will actually chase him and put forth more effort.

By default of the “I’m a Victim, Too” technique, she will develop the “He Needs Me” complex.

From that point forward, no matter how many times the man hurts her; she will continue to stay loyal because she will blame his past hardship for his current behavior. Also, she will stay loyal because he identified with all of her baggage, and was there to help her overcome the misfortunes of her past.

Blake John Mayer wrote a song entitled, In Repair. In the song he sings, “I’m in repair/I’m not together/but I’m getting there.” This song struck a cord with me because this is what I think of women that have baggage. I use to believe that I was doomed by the “baggage curse.” Every woman I met seemed to have an absorbent amount of baggage or issues. I later realized that every woman has baggage. It just depends on how much she has. Is it a little or a lot?

How does a man handle a woman with baggage? That depends on the type of baggage, how much baggage, and what is his intent.

What type of baggage? Has the woman been repeatedly cheated on? Is she overweight?

Does she have multiple children? Has she been in a physically or verbally abusive relationship?

Has she been molested as a child? Did she grow up without her father? If any of these apply, she may be “damaged goods.” The term “damaged goods” usually describes a woman that has endured so much pain and suffering in her past relationships that it has left permanent emotional scars. If the woman enters into a new relationship, she struggles with the capacity to love unconditionally. If she stays single, she may eventually become bitter, never get married, and own a hundred cats.

In general, it is grueling to begin and continue a relationship with women that have baggage. Women with baggage are like rose bushes. In the words of Abe Lincoln, “We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.” In this case, I am complaining because the rose bush has thorns. I am absolutely tired of women with baggage. When men enter relationships with women that have baggage, most of their time is spent trying to prove they are different from previous men these women have dated.

How much baggage? It seems like the more baggage women have, the more men have to prove themselves. Some women have so much baggage that they don’t need a man, they need a counselor. The worse baggage comes from women that have previously been in physically or

verbally abusive relationships. My ex-girlfriend would always communicate to me how verbally critical her ex-boyfriend was. He would call her fat and always made fun of the way she dressed. This baggage crept into our relationship. She always wanted me to tell her if I thought she was getting fat, and she needed continuous compliments to make her feel beautiful. She would always say, “I can’t believe I loved him. He was so mean to me.” I told her, “Sometimes you have to love a bad man, to be able to appreciate a good man.” Eventually, we broke up. I believe we broke up because she couldn’t appreciate that I was trying to be a good man. She would always question my intent. Women have to let a good man be a good man.

What is his intent? Women with baggage need to determine the man’s intent. Does he want a serious, committed relationship? Or, does he just want to have sex? If the woman determines that his intent is the latter, she needs to reconsider being in a relationship with him.

This will lead to problems if the woman is not on-board for this type of relationship. Women with baggage tend to be lonely, vulnerable, and clingy. Men that prey on these women understand that. These men tell women exactly what they want to hear, show them attention, and some may even show signs of wanting a relationship. However, their actions are not genuine. A man can act like he likes a woman and not care about her at all.

Case in point, I have a friend that last year conducted a “Valentine’s Day” experiment.

He identified ten women who he had either dated, had sex with, or interacted with. He then mailed the same Valentine’s Day card to each of the women. I asked him prior to mailing the cards, “How are you going to make your selection of who to mail the cards to? He told me, “I’m going to mail them to the women I believe are the loneliest.” Several months later, I asked him how his experiment worked out. He told me he had had sex with nine of the ten women.

Hunter There are many ways for a man to handle this situation. The most common way is for him not to deal with it at all. The main problem is that the man never really knows how he is going to deal with the woman’s baggage until he is in the “eye” of the storm. Only when he is in the middle of it, does the man really know how he is going to handle the woman’s baggage.

From my perspective, this is what makes men hesitate when it comes to being in a serious, committed relationship or getting married. As much as men fear commitment and marriage, we are also afraid of the baggage that accompanies these relationships.

Entering relationships with women that have baggage is the fear of the unknown. It is especially frightening after a man becomes married. He doesn’t know if suppressed baggage is going to surface after marriage. When the baggage of past relationships infiltrates the marriage, men have to be mentally strong to handle this situation. In my opinion, the difficulties in marriage are not the tough times, but rather, the failed attempts to try to reconcile the troubles in

the marriage. Some of you may be familiar with the old adage, “Nothing beats a failure, but a try.” Well, if that were the case in the majority of relationships, I believe there would be more successes. But instead, there are more excuses in relationships. As the saying goes, “Excuses are tools of the incompetent.” The greater the number of excuses in the marriage, the greater the likelihood that the marriage will ultimately fail.

In conclusion, women with baggage need to be honest with themselves and their partner before entering into a new relationship. Honesty is the best policy. Women need to be honest about their baggage. Then a man can accurately evaluate whether the woman is right for him. If the woman wants to work toward having a healthy relationship, she must reveal her true self.

By doing this, she may find that her new partner could be open to helping her resolve the baggage in her life.

Recommendations for Women Can He Handle Your Baggage?

Most men that label women to have baggage are non-committal, able to go through the motions, and are racing to the finish line to end the relationship. Women should be forthcoming about their baggage to determine if the man can handle it. In many cases, there are men that accept women with baggage. These men nurture the relationship to work to resolve, remedy, and live with the pre-existing baggage. Women that have baggage need to find a man that is supportive, non-judgmental, and can provide unconditional love.

Discover His Intent.

Men are chameleons. For most women it is difficult to discover the man’s intent in the relationship (unless he is just forthcoming). All men do not have good intentions, especially when interacting with a woman that he has identified to have baggage. Sadly, some men prey on these women because they are vulnerable. How can a woman discover a man’s intent? Time.

The problem is that most women with baggage are lonely, and don’t allow the natural maturation process in the relationship to take place. These women should be patient and not rush into a relationship. In the words of Maureen Dowd, “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.”

A Poem For The Women “We� Didn’t Choose.

Drew Ctrl-Atl-Del I am typing the ending to our failed love story My fingers are in the starting position But the reservoir of tears makes it difficult to finish The myth is that a man is not suppose to cry These tears are a disguise to hide my masculinity Your absence has left a permanent frown on my face We were in love...using our love to control the emotions...no alternative could supplement this labor of love...and thus, my mind has deleted the reasons and savored the greatest experience of all...the time I spent with you The past is often too hard to erase By pressing the buttons simultaneously I ended the pain but held on to the memories All fairy tales do not finish with a happy ending But the narrative that I have put into words Tells a story that will last forever We were in love...using our love to control the emotions...no alternative could supplement this labor of love...and thus, my mind has deleted the reasons and savored the greatest experience of all...the time I spent with you