Diet? I Don’t Need no Stinking Diet

By C F Illingworth

Ijust got back from the doctor this afternoon. He told me that I am Pre-Diabetic. Doctor “J” informed me I need to watch my weight and my “DIET”. If that wasn’t bad enough, my wife was with me when the Doc gave me the news.

Most guys know that it is a very bad idea for your wife to know about your poor health, because they now believe they must h-e-l-p you with your problem. Ok, ok, so I’m 52 lbs. overweight. Big Earth-shattering Deal. Incidentally, here’s a little-known fact: there is a Patron Saint of Obesity and Dieting. Yep, that’s right. His name is Saint Charles Borromeo.

I want to make it very clear that my wife is a wonderful, loving person, and I have enjoyed being married to her for 55 years. However, yes, there is a however in this story. However, she can be too helpful when it comes to my wellbeing. It’s like she is on a quest to watch over me and assist me in losing those extra pounds. The thing is, it’s taken me about 30 years to get up to my weight, and I enjoyed acquiring every pound.

Those pounds were not procured by eating junk food; but rather, by enjoying delicious meals accompanied by a multitude of beverages. Some of these included fine wine, gourmet beer, such as Leinenkugel, and even some hard liquor. I also enjoyed A&W root beer, cherry coke, and my hometown drink, MOXIE.

I grew up in Portland Maine; and therefore, my favorite childhood meals prepared by my grandmother included virtually every kind of fish and seafood that the Atlantic Ocean could provide. This, of course, included fine whole succulent lobster served with farm fresh melted BUTTER. My grandmother and step-grandfather owned a boarding house. My grandmother would cook for her boarders and was renowned for her exquisite clam chowder and crispy fish and chips; not to mention scrumptious steaks, ribs and roast dinners. Her apple-berry pies were legendary. I should also mention that my step-grandfather was a French Canadian, and he also loved to cook. He and I got along famously. He enjoyed preparing some of the most delectable, high caloric breakfast foods that a gourmet chef would ever place on a plate. He methodically put incredible tasting sauces on everything he prepared. So, to this day, breakfast is by far my favorite meal.

So, as you can see, I was introduced to good food from an early age. It wasn’t until my wife and I got married that I really started to put on a few pounds by enjoying my wife’s fantastic meals. And now, after all these years of diligently adding precious pounds to my five-foot nine-inch frame, I am told I have to lose my cherished poundage.

My wife, on the other hand, has been on a maintenance diet for a couple of years now. (I think she is at her perfect weight, and she also has a nice butt.) Can I say that here? However, yeah I know another however; my teeny tiny wife has been on a special diet devised by some gal named Watcher. My wife wants me to begin following this same diet. I think she wants me on this diet so she can weigh my food and count out the Ritz chips. Everything has a point value, and you are allowed only so many points for the day. When I first started, I ran a little over my daily allotment of points. Actually, it seems I used up not only my points for the day but her points as well. I found out that you can’t put anything into your mouth until you first take a picture of the barcode shown on the food product. I was also informed that there are some foods that are considered FREE. That means you can eat as much of that food as you want, and it won’t add weight. I ate a whole bag of Lay’s sour cream potato chips before I realized the barcode was on the bottom of the bag. I figured that if there was no barcode, then it must be one of those free foods. I was pleased with myself. I ate a basket of strawberries because they are a free fruit, although no one told me that I shouldn’t have added the whipped cream on top of the berries. I guess it evens itself out. My wife wants me to attend a meeting so I can meet a woman named Mrs. Watcher. I understand that everyone plays a game that includes standing on a scale; consequently, each dieter will know how many points they can have for the week. I’m not sure that I want to go. The whole procedure sounds a little scary to me.

I’m worried now that my clothes won’t fit me anymore once I lose the weight. Right now, all of my wardrobe fits me perfectly. I’m afraid if I lose too much weight, no one will recognize me. What if I get stopped by a Sheriff, and he asks me for my license? He will look at me and say, “That’s not you”, and then I’ll be hauled off to the sheriff’s station for questioning. I don’t think they will believe me if I tell them that it’s because I’m on a special diet. I’m sure you wouldn’t believe me either, would you? As one famous over-weight celebrity said, “Friends, Romans, countrymen lend me your points”, or something like that. As you can tell, I’m desperate. Help me, help me. “I’m melting, melting. Oh what a world, what a world.”

Mr. Illingworth is the author of two books. One is a comical, country, family themed book. The second book is a memoir of his childhood. They are both published on Amazon.com. You can purchase the e-books or the paperbacks by typing: C F Illingworth in the Amazon search bar.