* Yo u n g A u t h o r C l u b * Yo u n g A u t h o r C l u b *
Heartwarmers
Life Must Go On
Josabelle Wong Samantha Samuel
Life Must Go On
Written and illustrated by Josabelle Wong
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I think my mum gave me the most guidance. She gave me
some ideas and corrected me when I made mistakes. I want to thank her for helping me through this book.
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Chapter One “Have you been bullied in school? Why do you have so many bruises?” Mum asked me. “No!” I replied. “Never mind, it will soon get well anyway,” she said. The strange thing was that I had been feeling lethargic lately. One day, when I was in school, my head started to spin. My vision grew blurry and everything went fuzzy. I fell to the ground. Before my mind went blank, I heard my classmates laughing. They must have thought I was fooling around. I woke up in Doctor Mary’s clinic. “Oh dear, honey! What’s happening to you lately? I was so stupefied when your teacher called me to say you fainted in school.” “Mum, I’m okay! You are just overreacting!” “What! You call that overreacting? Fainting is no child’s play, don’t you know that?” “Oh come on! I’m probably just too tired from all the assignments and work from school, that’s all!” Just then Doctor Mary walked in. Doctor Mary was my favourite doctor. I have known her since I was very young. Her injections never hurt. She knows just the right moment and the right spot to ‘prick’. She always looked at me straight in the eye with immense motherly warmth. Her amiable and empathetic nature puts every patient at ease. Mum likes her too, especially for the fact that she never seemed to be in a hurry. “You are a little pale, Abby. We must do a blood test to find out if there is anything wrong with you.” A chill ran down my spine when I heard the word ‘blood test’. I imagined the excruciating pain and my mind was in a whirl. I requested to have no one else but Doctor Mary to give me that ‘gentlest prick’. When I saw the horrendous sight of my blood oozing into the syringe, I 3
was near hysteria. In the next split second, I managed to overcome my terror when Doctor Mary darted looks of sympathy and assurance at me. After the blood test, I went home feeling under the weather. Mum gave me some toast. I shook my head. “You must eat something, honey,� she said in a low voice.
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Chapter Two A week later, the hospital called. Mum listened intently with creases gradually forming on her forehead. All she said was “Yes! Yes!” She hung up without even saying ‘goodbye’. I smelled a rat. I sensed something was wrong. “Honey, we have to go to the hospital now,” Mum muttered nervously. The more I tried to fight down fresh feelings of panic, the more my heart could not help palpitating. In the car, Mum rattled off like a machine gun as I looked at her helplessly. It was obvious that she was deliberately trying to ease the tension and anxiety in both of us. I held Mum’s hand and stuttered, “Mum! It… It’s o…okay. You c…can st…stop talking.” I punctuated my sentence with a nervous grin. Mum should have noticed that I was tugging at the hem of my blouse sick with anxiety. At the hospital, I had to go for another test. They put me in some kind of scanner. “Try to keep still and hold your breath,” said the nurse beside me. As soon as I got inside, I started to scream hysterically. The nurse quickly got me out and calmed me down. The second time I got in, I heard a funny noise. I was worried it would take something out of me. It was extremely dark inside the scanner. What if the machine broke down? I will be stuck in here forever. I was immobilised with fear. The harder I tried to keep my mind from wild thoughts, the faster my mind raced.
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Chapter Three Later that day, a doctor, Doctor Susie, came up to me and said, “You must be Abigail. Okay, Abby, we know what is wrong with you. You have a blood disorder called leukaemia.” What? This is not possible. There must be a mistake. They must have mixed up the blood samples! I was petrified. If there was blood everywhere in my body, that means I was sick all over! This news came in like a hurricane. I felt a lump in my throat. I tried to open my mouth to speak but no words came out. My mind remained full of questions. I then vaguely heard Doctor Susie murmuring, “I need to do a special test on you to confirm the diagnosis and to plan the treatment.” By this moment, my mind was miles away while Doctor Susie was still explaining ‘stuff’ to my mother. I was scheduled to return the following day where I will undergo the test and begin my days in the hospital. Doctor Susie conducted the test that afternoon upon my admission. A fine needle was inserted into the bone marrow of my breastbone and a small sample was sucked out. Every test meant anxiety. Even the gentlest prick brought about an unpleasant experience. In the morning the next day, another nurse, Nurse Lily, gave me an injection but she left a tube in my arm. I liked Nurse Lily, as she had the gentle touch just like Doctor Mary. Mum had to go to work and would not be back till evening. I could not imagine how I would feel about staying in the hospital alone. It was going to be REALLY boring. I had no idea how to occupy my time if Mum was not there to keep me company. Most of all, I would be panicking if I had to be pricked or put in some kind of a machine again. Nurse Lily pacified me and decided to stay with me until Mum came back although she was off duty. At first, I was still not contented. I only wanted Mum. However, as hours 6
passed, I gradually grew to like Nurse Lily and felt comfortable with her. She chatted and laughed with me, watched television with me and attended to all my needs. I even seemed to forget about my illness. I felt extremely grateful towards Nurse Lily. I believed she would have loved to get some rest during her off duty. But she was willing to sacrifice her precious resting time to be my companion.
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Chapter Four Weeks past. I was getting fed up. Why can’t I run like everyone else? Why can’t I go outdoor and play like other children? I don’t need to climb mountains. I don’t need to scuba dive. I just need to lead a normal life. Lying on the sick bed, going through tests after tests and injections day after day for an eternity was truly too much to bear. On a scorching hot afternoon, the confinement was killing me such that I found myself yelling at mum. Mum knew I had never meant to do that. She knew exactly how I felt. “I’m going to give you a surprise, Abby honey,” she murmured in the gentlest tone while stroking my cheek. She then made her way to the exit leaving me all puzzled by her somewhat calm response. Within minutes, Mum came back empty handed. Instead, she took out a book from her bag and said tenderly, “This is a diary for you. You can write down all your frustrations, worries, pain or even happy moments and fascinating incidents.” Fighting back my tears, I reached out to Mum and hugged her tightly. That night onwards I started keeping a diary. It ‘listened’ to me every time I felt blue, down or jubilant. It became a friend to me. It was my papermate.
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Chapter Five Needless to say, the chemotherapy treatment was very unpleasant. The aim of chemotherapy was to use anticancer drugs to destroy tumour cells in the body by impeding their growth and reproduction without destroying the normal cells. However, the side effects of chemotherapy was also ‘destroying’ me. Nausea, Vomiting, Fatigue, Hair Loss, Frequent Headaches …… Oh God! Will I survive these treatments? I don’t think I can hold out any longer. I recalled Doctor Susie assuring me after my first chemotherapy session, “Abigail, while you receive chemotherapy, you will have a team of leukaemia experts and therapists to help you cope with your physical and psychological problems so that you can maintain your quality of life.” Oh My! What did they know? Did they really know what I was going through? Did they really know the physical pain and trauma I was going through? Not to mention the loss of my long shiny hair. There was a dietician, naturopath, spiritual counsellor, mind-body therapist, pain specialist, therapist for oncology rehabilitation and even a support group etc. They all took good care of me. They were very enthusiastic in helping me while I went for the treatment. However, those were not what I wanted. I wanted to get back the life I once had. I wanted to regain my freedom. I wanted ……. Oh! Did I have a choice?
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Chapter Six One morning, I woke up anticipating the usual routine of injections, medication and tests. Unexpectedly, Nurse Lily changed me and put me on a wheelchair! “Where are we going?” I asked. Nurse Lily just smiled and winked at me. She wheeled me out of the hospital. There stood Mum smiling affectionately at me. “You can go home now. All you need from now on is to undergo radiotherapy on an outpatient basis,” Nurse Lily said. I wanted to leap up from my wheelchair and scream. Instead, I just started sobbing softly. It was tears of joy. Being at home was such a relief. No pungent smell of antiseptic invading my nostrils. No tingling sound of medical instruments. No bland, unappetising food served on trays. One beautiful morning, a golden ray of sun shone brilliantly through my room window. It gave me a feeling of confidence, a feeling that told me I was still alive and kicking even though I was not really feeling well. I decided that I had to write it in my diary as it was such an extraordinary feeling. I might not have that same feeling again, but I hoped I would.
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Chapter Seven It dawned upon me that my birthday was just a week away. I had always held a birthday party without fail. However, I did not think I could hold one that year when I was in such an awful condition. I was in a dilemma. I had always wanted to forget about my illness for once. Having a party would be the only way to let loose, feel ecstatic and over the moon. The thing was how could I present myself with all these side effects ‘eroding’ me? I would not look presentable without my long shiny hair. What if I vomit in the middle of the birthday song? What if I had headaches or felt too tired during the party? All these thoughts raced through my mind like the wind. I fretted over that matter for the next two days. I could not come to a solution, so I decided to discuss it with Mum. That night, I staggered to Mum’s room. I expected Mum to be asleep although I hoped not. When I reached Mum’s room, I heard Mum sniffing. “Mum!” I called. Mum’s head spun around. “Yes, Honey!” she answered with a quizzical look. I could tell she was forcing a momentary smile hoping to hide her fatigue and misery. It was at that very moment that I realised Mum was numb with exhaustion. I could sense her weariness. Her face was etched with sorrow. It broke my heart to see her bloodshot eyes. I darted looks of concern at Mum. I had never seen Mum shed a tear since Dad passed away. Ever since I was diagnosed with leukaemia, Mum always presented a cheerful, encouraging and assuring face. Little did I notice what was hidden inside that heart of hers. How could I have been so oblivious? Mum needed comfort and support too. I should not let Mum keep her sorrows to herself. Both of us needed to share some moments of heart 11
to heart talk. Since I had so much reservations towards having a party, I believed having one would only add further tension and stress on Mum and me.
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Chapter Eight The next morning, sunlight filtered through my window. The sun had inched its way up the sky while I was still in dreamland. I reached out for my ‘papermate’ and started pouring my sentiments. 2nd August 2005, Sunny Dear Diary Ann, I had a good talk with my Mum last night. She shared all her worries with me and I shared all my pain and sorrows with her. It was a heartwrenching but meaningful talk. It took a load off our chest. I managed to express to Mum questions that are still troubling me. Why me? Did I do anything wrong? Will I die? What will happen to me if I die? Do I just vanish into thin air or do I end up in someone’s soda? I still do not have any answers to these questions. None of these questions can be forgotten and ‘thrown out’ of my mind. There have been ups and downs in my feelings lately. No one can fully understand what I am going through except Mum and you, Ann. Sometimes I feel good and in the next minute, I feel moody and discouraged. I really hope there will be a change in my life soon. Nevertheless, you and Mum are always giving me your fullest support. A very(x10) big THANKS to both of you; especially Mum who has done so much for me, taking care of all my physical, emotional and psychological needs. Your best pal, Abby
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Chapter Nine It was past midnight. There was not a single soul on the deserted streets. It was so quiet that even the ticking sound of my clock could be heard. I tossed and turned for a long time on my bed as the bitterly cold wind stung my face. As I laid down in gloom, I decided to get up to talk to Diary Ann. Talking to Diary Ann was the only way to get things off my mind and getting things off my mind was the only way to calm down, snuggle up and finally drift off into a deep sleep with sweet dreams awaiting me. 3rd August 2005, Cool Night Dear Diary Ann, If I die, Mum will be devastated. If I die, Mum will be all alone in this world. Mum revealed during our little sharing how she felt since I was ill. Mum felt very ’alone’. She wished my Dad was still around to face my illness together. She needed my dad as a pillar of strength. She also needed him to be around to discuss my situation from time to time. Mum had her own fears too. She was actually fearful to face all these problems without my father around. Mum was even more afraid of losing me. Losing my father had already taken a part of her. She hated to think about losing me too. Losing me will mean the end of the world for her. Mum felt she would have no one to live for if I die. She would have no meaning or reason to continue life if I die. I have always been thinking about my illness from my own point of view. I had never pondered about how my illness had been affecting Mum all this while. Indeed, the thought of losing me must be terrifying 14
and devastating for Mum. For Mum’s sake and for myself, I must be strong. I must fight the battle of cancer bravely. I must not give up hope. I must not surrender to fate. I must survive this illness. I must not die! I do not want Mum to lose her purpose of living in this world. I do not want her to live the rest of her life alone. Mum, no matter how much it takes for me to fight this battle, I will pull through for your sake and for myself. I want to watch you grow old and witness your hair turning from black to grey while you watch me get married and be a granny to my children. God, please give me strength and courage as I battle with life. Thanks, Diary Ann, for listening to my woes once again. I know I can always count on you for a listening ear.
I closed my diary, snuggled back into bed and muttered a prayer.
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Chapter Ten After many months of treatment, my illness was under control. The leukaemia experts managed to block the growth and spread of the disease. However, I still needed to go for regular check-ups to make sure everything was going smoothly. This was to reduce the risk of the disease recurring after the treatment had completed. I was finally able to go to school. My new challenge was to catch up with my studies. Lola, my partner, lavishly helped me and lent me all her study notes. She even allowed me to call her at anytime if I had problems with my school work. She never resented me no matter how often I ‘bugged’ her. “A friend in need is a friend indeed’. My teachers were also very enthusiastic to help me. Whenever I had queries, they would explain everything thoroughly with great patience. They had never been irritated with me. They assigned homework to me a little at a time and had never rushed me to finish them hastily. I felt so indebted towards my teachers for giving me time to recover and recuperate and for taking extra time to coach me in my studies. Undoubtedly, I also felt incredibly grateful to Lola, my valued friend for helping me so generously and for being there for me whenever I needed help in my school work.
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Chapter Eleven I earnestly want to specially thank Mum, Doctor Mary, Doctor Susie, Nurse Lily, Lola and my teachers. I thank all of you for seeing me through those agonising days. You are all people I cherished because without you, I could not have survived and regained my life. I have gone through so much, but I seemed to forget everything. Except ONE thing, and that is, knowing what life is all about.
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W h a tthe is
To find out more about the Young Author Scheme, please contact Catherine at Experiences & Experiments Tel 6336-8985 Fax 6348-8375, or visit www.catherinekhoo.sg
Abigail gets a serious blood disorder, leukaemia. "What on earth is Leukaemia? Why must I get it? Will I get well? Will I die? What will happen if I die?" Follow Abigail on her adventure as she tries to answer these questions in her mind. Most importantly she deals with her illness and tries to beat it, while leading a normal like like other children.
"What do nerves do?" That's me, Josabelle Wong. I love to find out about the human body, viruses and illnesses. That is how this story came about. Writing about a leukaemia patient lets me have a better knowledge about the diesease, our blood, bone marrow, cures and so on. I hope readers will understand the position of a leukaemia patient and most importantly, about how to deal with it, if the disease 'hits' them.
An Experiences & Experiments Books Pte Ltd Imprint ISBN No. 978-981-4320-52-8
Tel 6336-8985 / Fax 6348-8375 www.catherinekhoo.sg