THE LAST 6 LESSONS

Funnyman Tom Eaton shares a few secrets about what they don’t teach you at school

I’ll be honest: I’m pleased that you’re reading this, but it’s also a tiny bit weird.

After all, if you’re one of those superhuman learners, highlighting notes in 16 different colours and lying awake worrying that you might only get 102% for physics, you already know what you’re doing next year because it’s on your spreadsheet where you’ve broken down the next decade into 2-hour intervals. And if you’re not one of those, and are more like me, then next year is still a very long way away and you’re mostly focused on getting through next week.

Another reason I’m surprised that you’re reading this is the fact that your brain is either upsettingly full or upsettingly empty.

If it’s full, it’s full to bursting. You’ve got equations and Afrikaans verbs trickling out of your nostrils, and the only thing you want to read is what Google says when you ask: “Can the human brain literally explode from reading too much?”

If your brain is empty, perhaps because (like mine) it can’t hold onto information it doesn’t find interesting, well, then you’re probably not in the mood to read this sort of silliness anyway.

But if you are still here, I’m glad, because even though you’ve learned so much, there are a couple of useful things you haven’t been taught.

I’m not saying school has been a waste of time. Far from it. I still remember some very important things I learned at school, like that I can’t do maths, and that Shakespeare would have been much more readable if he’d written in English.

Still, the further away I get from matric the more I wish I’d been taught some things that weren’t in any curriculum. And so, in the hope that they might help you sail through the next year – or combatcrawl through the next week –here are some of them:

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Nobody knows what’s going on. The more confident your peers look, the less they know.

Matric exams are a great way to measure how well you write Matric exams. They are a terrible way of measuring your intelligence, your value as a person, and where you will end up in life. Study hard, play the exam game as well as you can, but understand that the real work of becoming you –the really good stuff – is only just starting.

Next year isn’t forever. Right now you’re under a lot of pressure to choose a path that you’ll follow for the rest of your life, but that’s not how life usually works. Yes, do something that speaks to you, whether studying or finding a job or starting a business, but remember: most people change course. That guy in your class who wants to be a vet? He’s going to get vomited on by a penguin and decide he wants to be an accountant.

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That maths genius who’s planning to be an actuary? She’s going to run a sanctuary for nauseous penguins.

Develop stomach muscles. I’m not joking. You’ll need them more than you’ll ever need algebra or geography. Do 50 crunches a day.

You, your spine and your bank balance will thank me when you’re 50.

Follow people, not just qualifications. Find mentors and role models who do what you want to do, and follow them. Maybe not to their homes, because that’s stalking, but make a conscious effort to be near them at the office or the classroom, and then download their brains. Again, not literally, because that’s probably illegal, but you get what I’m saying.

Finally, make lists. Not only do they keep you focused and calm, but they also make other people think that you are competent. See? You’ve read all the way to the end of this list because you think I know what I’m talking about.

Right. Time to stop reading magazines and start revising. But first, 50 crunches…