“--- what?”

We’re Confused About Self Care

My guess is that what I’m about to share with you, you already know in your gut. Sometimes, however, we need a little nudge.

Intuitively, most folks understand that caring for our children involves having rules to keep them safe and healthy. From teaching them to look both ways before crossing the street, to limiting electronic time and sugar intake, we know healthy, happy children need boundaries. They have to lose sometimes in order to develop resilience; they have to experience the natural consequences of their behaviors, even though it takes everything in us not to rush in and save the day. We teach them the characteristics of good friendships. And, we understand the importance of offering compassion to our children when they are sad or feeling vulnerable.

Our children are developing skills to cope with myriad life challenges. Overcoming difficulty not only helps them cultivate new skills and strengthen established ones, but it provides them with opportunity for pride and joy. In fact, some of our happiest moments come on the heels of hardship. Think about how your kiddo beamed the first time he made his own bed or packed her own lunch for school, the exhilaration you felt after running that 5K, or the sense of accomplishment you had after finishing a tough project. The struggle makes the outcome richer, which reinforces our drive to conquer another challenge in the future. Struggle is necessary for growth.

We know this. And we know what care is.

So why do we get it wrong when it comes to self care?

Part of the issue is that we’ve commodified it. Buy this candle for stress relief. Self-care has been reduced to manicures and pedicures. We go to the salon eager for “me time,” only to return to a life of chaos. Living a life of stress and rewarding ourselves with a mani/pedi is like having no rules in place for our children, then giving them a lollipop to cheer them up when they’re struggling to handle developmentallyappropriate challenges. Still, we’ve accepted this brand of self-care because we’re too exhausted to admit it’s inadequate. I wish I could say wellness is easy to achieve: yoga and a smoothie bowl, and you’re all set! But that’s not how it works. Wellness is a practice, not a destination; and self care requires heavy lifting. It’s looking at those credit card statements and cleaning up debt. It’s being honest about our relationships and putting boundaries in place. It’s managing unpleasant emotions rather than escaping into social media, the pantry, alcohol, or our virtual shopping cart. It’s grounding in some way through prayer, meditation, or connecting with nature. It’s exercising even when we don’t want to because we know we won’t regret it. It’s offering ourselves compassion when we’re feeling down. It cannot be purchased at the store or salon.

Don’t get me wrong, wellness must include play, creativity, and relaxation. Manicures, pedicures, yoga, smoothie bowls, and candles can all play a role in the big picture. But true self care requires doing the hard stuff too.

I encourage you to improve the quality of care you give yourself. It’ll take patience; but it doesn’t have to overwhelm you. There’s no rush to a finish line. Identify one area you’d like to address and start there. You’re so much more than pretty hands and feet. Do the hard work. And get that mani/pedi. I bet you’ll enjoy the pampering all the more!

Mary Marino is a Certified Health and Well-being Coach and Licensed Master of SocialWork. She coaches women who’ve lost themselves in the process of caring for everyone else. For more on Mary’s coaching services, visit Well•ish Lifestyle Coaching at (518) 852-2930 mary@marinoempowerment.com www.wellishbyme.com or scan the QR code.

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