No More Young Joo kim
My heart ached, droplets of tears rolled down my cheeks. Everything was miserable, the depressions I face every day and night was starting to kill me.
My mom died while giving birth to me, and I was never meant to be born. I was a mistake. I killed mom. 15 years of pain, 15 years of no love… There was nothing to think about. Clenching my fist tightly, I hold back the anger and revenge. I gently close my eyes and the past years of my life swing by as I recall back the memories. I don’t seem to remember anything joyous and happy. No one loved me… No one even cared, took notice of me… I was nothing…. My mouth covering my lips, I bite myself to hold back the emotions overwhelming me; but the tears never cared to stop. It kept dropping and dropping. All this time, I was living life on hell. My dreams and hopes were shattered, and there was no hope for me to go on. Being happy, to be free, was too much of a want. While locked in my own thoughts, the startling clanking heels of my father’s boots come closer and closer. Cold sweat endlessly pours down my forehead like a wash of heavy rain. Clank clank clank My father creeps into my room with burning fury in his eyes. My heart races and my eyes can’t take off his eyes. Oh please, just let me live in peace… I whispered to myself a million times. I wanted him to leave me alone. Why did he always have to hurt me to feel good? Why? “Shelly!!! STAND UP!” he shouted The loud bang of sterness in his voice ringed like a echo in my ear. The thump of my heartbeat raced faster by the second. It was worst than facing a lion in a jungle. I quickly raised myself up from the cold marble floor. Despite the burning pain on my back from last night, nothing mattered to me in this moment. I prayed and prayed softly to myself. “Are you showing your scars to your teachers?” The ball of fury in his eyes did not die down, but made me more nervous and worried. “I never showed anyone anything… I swear!” I demanded
“SHUT UP!” He slapped me across my right cheeks, and stared straight at me… The stinging shooting pain paralyzes my muscles. “If I get that call from your teacher again, don’t ever expect to be safe around this house. Do you understand?” With deep frustration and anger I gently replied “Yes I understand” He rushed out the door and slammed it… I wiped my tears with my hands, these things happen every night but I don’t know why I always feel this way. It was unfair for me to be treated like this for years and years… I hated everything. I sometimes believed that somewhere out there my real dad would be alive. I envied my other friends; as they were always given the very best. But for me, all I wanted was love… Nothing more or nothing else.
I curl up into a ball and gently lean against the window. I think about my mom. I wonder how much she would have loved me and wrapped me in her warm arms. I have never seen her, but I really missed her. I wanted her to be by my side, I knew she was different. I wanted to go to her… It was too much of a pain living hell on earth. I am going to meet mom… Shelly I open the window and look down. I was finally going to heaven to find my own happiness, where my mom and the rest would greet me with both arms. I would rather die than living on earth. There are no reasons for me to say, no one cared or ever understood me. “I am coming mom…” I murmur. It was finally over, 1…2…3..4…