7 minute read
Your Kids
resilience:
(specifically relating to psychological resilience)
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noun;
1. The ability to mentally or emotionally cope with a crisis or to return to pre-crisis status quickly.
2. The process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or significant sources of stress.
3. The ability to bounce back to a previous state.
Childhood Resilience: The Myth and The Reality
WITH MINDY HYATT SPRADLIN
If there is one word I’ve heard tossed around over the past two months in regard to children and COVID, it’s the word resilience or resilient. Recently, while sharing some concerns about my nine year old son and the effects that remote learning, quarantining, public mask wearing and social distancing at school were having on him, I was met by many well-meaning people with the common response: “Don’t worry! He’ll be fine. He’ll bounce back. Kids are so resilient.”
But is it actually true? I began to wonder. I wanted to believe it was, and I even found myself repeating that specific statement to others. It sure made me feel better to say it or think it. But I soon found out, it wasn’t entirely true, and actually, mostly it was false.
While sitting in my therapist’s office one afternoon, I shared with her the concerns I was having about my son. I gave her an update on the situation, and as I came to the end of the update I said, “I know kids are resilient, but I’m just not sure…” She cut me off and said, “Mindy. Kids are not resilient. That is a myth. Kids are malleable.”
Full stop. I knew she was right. I felt it deep in my gut. And what she said now required something of me. I couldn’t pretend I didn’t know. Is it possible that we as parents and caregivers and even our policy makers sometimes equate flexibility with resilience? I believe we do, and we do our children a great disservice while doing so.
In the two weeks following the county schools reopening announcement, Elizabeth Saffle, President of Cool Springs Psychiatric, LLC in Williamson County, says the clinic saw a very large increase in new patient requests. They usually have about fifty new patient requests per month, and they were seeing that many new patient requests per week. As she talked with parents who were concerned about their children, it was evident to her that a considerable number of children were not bouncing back. Many, many were getting stuck, and they didn’t have the tools or resources to get unstuck by themselves. Recently, reported suicide rates in many states back up this information as well. In September it was reported that Cook Children’s Medical Center has had more than double the normal number of suicide patients so far this year.
Shelby Phillips, LPC-MHSP and Registered Play Therapist along with Angela Landry, LMFT, both with private practices in Williamson County, have also seen a massive influx of requests for support from both returning and new clientele, including children and adults. Some requests have been specifically related to the emotional and mental challenges that COVID-19 has brought on, and others have been related to underlying issues that have been exacerbated by the COVID-19 environment.
Trauma is happening everywhere. Big and small. We are living through it, and it’s happening on a global scale as a shared reality. We can’t fully escape it, but we must be honest about it and its affects to move forward in a healthy way and help our children do the same.
Angela Landry, LMFT, with Restoration Counseling in Franklin explained the myth of resilience in children this way: “When people talk about resilience in kids, they usually mean kids are flexible. Indeed, kids are naturally flexible, and that’s developmentally healthy. At the same time, that natural flexibility has lifelong consequences. With that flexibility, we can bend kids so that they go through life bent in that direction.”
So, as I studied all this and talked with professional after professional along with many parents, I realized three things. 1. Big and prolonged changes in our children’s current environment, like constant social distancing in school, remote learning (both constant and infrequent), mask wearing of the public continually, reduced physical touch, fear, uncertainty with navigating the current social climate, lack of direct interaction with peers and many, many more COVID related challenges, have the very real possibility of negatively affecting them.
2. True resilience, while vital for healthy development and growth, isn’t something that generally comes naturally to most children, and must instead be cultivated and learned.
3. Cultivating and teaching resilience first requires parents and caregivers to look honestly at and not sugar coat what their children are going through, and it requires a proactive and intentional approach.
Both therapists I consulted, Shelby Phillips and Angela Landry, agreed that the most important and necessary component for developing resilience in children is open and honest communication between the child and one or more safe adults. Here are some practical tips on how you can cultivate resilience in your child/ren during this ongoing, abnormal time.
1. Don’t just assume that your child is ok. No news is not always good news. “Avoidness” does not equal open and honest communication. Create a culture of vulnerability in conversation by modeling that yourself to your children. Each and every day, find the time to connect with the heart of your child.
2. Make a habit of gratitude. Calling out the things you are grateful for doesn’t mean you ignore the hard emotions and situations, but it does mean you learn to recognize that both gratitude and adversity can co-exist. It is important for children to learn this, so they don’t fall into the thinking pattern that everything in life is either all bad or all good.
3. Know when to step in and when to step back if your child is in the midst of a difficult situation. More often than not, stepping back and observing from a safe distance as their secure hub, is your best bet. Children need to be allowed to fail, take appropriate risks, and experience disappointment while knowing they have the support to do so. Great confidence and resilience are developed during these times.
There are times though when stepping in is what is required. If you notice concerning changes in your child’s behavior, listen to your gut! Remember, children don’t have the tools to navigate all that life throws at them by themselves. This is why they have parents and caregivers. Do not expect children to manage adult sized problems or problems that are not developmentally appropriate for them.
Sometimes a hard conversation needs to be had or a boundary needs to be set with a coach, teacher, administrator, other adult, or family member. Just ask yourself, “Can I allow my child to try and figure this out and/or give them the tools to solve this on their own, or is this something beyond the scope of what can reasonably be expected of them?”
4.Take care of yourself first! Actively practice developing your own resilience. Adults are not immune to what is happening in the world right now either. Own your own emotions, work through them with another adult as needed, and give yourself permission to take a personal time-out.
Just like children, adults are navigating a world they have never known. There is uncertainty, disappointment, and many forms of stress. If you hope to be able communicate well with your child, have the awareness of what is happening in their world, and be that secure base they need so desperately, it is imperative that you attend to your own needs first. Be present with yourself so that you can be present with your child.
Our children CAN come out on the other side of this COVID-19 mess as healthy, thriving, and whole little humans, but it’s not going to happen just because they are born with the capacity to do so on their own. For the most part, children may not naturally have resilience, but they can develop it with the support, safety, and guidance of the adults around them. Let’s take responsibility for that and cultivate it in them as children so they will more readily have the tools they need to be secure and confident adults in the years to come. MINDY HYATT SPRADLIN
Mindy Hyatt Spradlin is a native of Williamson County, a mom of four, and an outspoken advocate for children. She is an entrepreneur, owning and running Little Sprouts Upscale Consignment Sale, as well as a top leader with doTERRA Essential Oils.
CLASS OF 2020 95% ACCEPTED
