Home again

• Living with parents as an adult is often difficult but in HongKongitisnotatall unusual. • Both themotherand thedaughterin thisstoryfeel the tension between them acutely and neither wants their predicamenttocontinue. • Putting up with one another in the meantime tests theirtoleranceand patience.

• 成年後繼續跟家人共住通常出現相處 困難，但在香港跟家人共住還是比較 常見。 • 故事中的母女都感到共住的矛盾，並 希望能解決問題。 • 同一屋簷下確實需要互相容忍及體 諒。

I went back into my childhood bedroom and for some reason it seems as though I reverted to being a child again in my mother and father’s eyes.

Christine I am 23 years old and I live with my parents. For the past few years while I was studying, I was living in university accommodation, but after that, when I started working for a technology firm, I had to move back home.

The reason is obvious, I could not afford a place of my own, either by renting or by putting down a deposit to buy and then making mortgage repayments. Once, I did consider going in for shared accommodation with some university friends, but even my share of the rent would have taken out a large chunk of my salary that I would prefer to save. Living at home is complicated. On the one hand it is nice to be “cared” for, having someone concerned about how you are and whether or not you’ve eaten. There are other practical advantages too: my parents’ helper ensures that my clothes are always clean and ironed and my room is tidy.

On the other hand, when I came back to live here, I went back into my childhood bedroom and for some reason it seems as though I have reverted to being a child again in my mother’s and father’s eyes. It seems to have given both my parent’s “permission” to treat me like a child.

My parents always want to know where I am going and with whom and what time I will return.

This situation is a double-edged sword and I know is not good for my wellbeing.

There are also real implications for privacy. Living at home means that everyone knows what you are up to, but worse, everyone knows exactly what you possess. I cannot buy a new pair of shoes or an outfit without someone commenting. Worse, I really cannot come and go as I please, even though I am an adult. My parents always want to know where I am going and with whom and what time I will return.

More difficult are the physical problems of living at home. I feel that I do not have enough personal space. I have my bedroom, which is not large, and therefore if I want friends to come over, they have to sit in the shared spaces of the home. That can make life awkward, let alone irritating.

I am also finding it increasingly difficult to share the bathroom with my two sisters, one of whom is at university and the other one at school. Given the current situation during the COVID-19 epidemic, both of them are always at home. That makes our house seem even more crowded than usual. Even when they had to go to school or college, our schedules always seemed to overlap and invariably, I am either late or stressed before I even get to work.

Frankly, living at home is far from optimal. In fact, if I could, I would move out in a minute. I have to confess that I have been thinking of applying to universities overseas for graduate studies. I would have to get a scholarship or ask my parents to help out, but the reason has less to do with pursuing another qualification than it has to do with not wanting to live at home anymore.

I do contribute to general household expenses and I am happy enough to do so. But, to be honest, I would prefer to save as much of my salary as possible, either for a deposit on a home of my own, or to rent a place, or to go abroad. I know I am fortunate to have future options and parental support, but if the truth be told, every day I plan my escape ‒ escape from living in my parents’ home now that I am an adult.

Sometimes I think I didn’t do my job as a mother well enough for my child not to be independent by now.

Wanda Christine is the oldest of my three daughters. I was very happy when she managed to get a place in university accommodation because I thought it would teach her how to be independent and that she would get used to living with other people. Actually, I never expected her to come home to live again, but I can fully understand why she has.

Nevertheless, it is difficult. After Christine went to university, I got used to having my two younger girls at home and since they are both still in full-time education, it was easier to manage. Schedules were fixed and I had my own time and freedom to do things, whether it was going out for meals or getting together with my friends. Now with Christine back – and with the current school suspensions – I feel overwhelmed, like I did when they were all younger.

In fact, with Christine at home again, I feel many of the old tensions come back. I appreciate that she is a young adult, but I do get annoyed when I see her taking advantage of living here. She expects her room to be tidied and her clothes cleaned and put away, but she will do nothing to contribute to the household chores, not even cooking on a Sunday. The money that she contributes to the household is helpful but I don’t ask her for anything. I know she wants to save for her future.

As a parent, I feel responsible for her. I like to know where she is and what she is doing even though she feels that this is an intrusion. But under our roof, there are certain rules and everyone must follow them. That said, I do not know all her friends in the way I did when she was in school, so I do tend to ask more questions. It is not prying. I do it only out of curiosity.

I do look forward to the day when all three of my children are out of the house for good.

I would say one of the hardest things about having a young adult home, still effectively under one’s care, is how ambivalent it makes me feel. Sometimes I think, “Didn’t I do my job as a mother well enough for my child not to be independent by now?” I don’t always feel like that and my husband, usually the more rational among us, tells me that the housing market is unaffordable for Christine and so we are doing the right thing for her. In some ways I agree. In fact, I think that sometimes he is quite happy to have her here, happier than I am, anyway.

However, honestly speaking, I think I have reached the point where I will begin counting down the days to having an “empty nest”. I know this is probably just a dream, but I do look forward to the day when all three of my children are out of the house for good. The trouble is, now that Christine has come home, it makes me think that this may never happen, either quickly or ever.

Living in a small space in Hong Kong as the children get older and as I age is not comfortable. I do not know how long this will last, but without sounding mean, I hope that when Christine or her sisters marry, they will be able to live on their own. I would not know how to cope if they brought their husbands or partners to live here too. That would be just too much!

Right now, there is not much point in feeling upset. I keep it all bottled up inside and try to just take one day at a time.