Chapter 1—Parenting principles

What should I do with sexual urges that can’t really be expressed in a godly way? 177 How do I stop being tempted to think sexual thoughts? 177 Why would God make sex so pleasurable if it’s something he wants us to save for one person? 177 Mum, Dad, I was out at a party and I had sex.

Will God forgive me? 177 If God has made us with same-sex desires, doesn’t it mean we should act on these? Why is this a sin? 183 If two people of the same sex love each other, isn’t it unloving to tell them to not have sex or get married? 183 Does God hate gay people? 183 One of my friends has come out as a lesbian/gay.

Should I stay friends? What if she/he comes on to me? 183 Mum, Dad, I think I’m trans. What should I do? 188 What should I do if a friend shows me porn? 193 One of the girls in class showed us pornography on her phone. It was weird. How can I get it out of my head? 193 Dad, Mum, how do I stop watching porn? 193

APPENDIX: CYBERSMART PARENTING 195

Introduction 196

Parenting iGen

Social media literacy

Social media mentoring

External controls

Readiness for devices and social media

Parental controls Internal controls

197

199

201 201 201 203 204

WHY YOU NEED TO HAVE THIS TALK

• ‘My six-year-old son keeps touching his genitals.’ • ‘My ten-year-old daughter was shown an emoji of oral sex in school.’ • ‘Boys in the school bus showed my nine-year-old son pornographic videos. He came home crying.’ • ‘My little girl came home from school terrified. Her teacher had told her that she can be a boy or a girl. She wants me to take her to the doctor to find out if she is a girl. She is six years old.’ • ‘My 13-year-old daughter showed me a text from a girlfriend where she asked my daughter if she had ever been kissed and invited her to try it with her.’ • ‘My six-year-old daughter was told by her 13-year-old cousin that her parents had sex. I don’t think either of them have any idea what sex is!’ • ‘My 15-year-old daughter has decided that she is transgender and wants to be a boy.’

These are real-life scenarios. Do one or more of these sound familiar to you? Maybe you have other stories to share? Are you a parent who wants to teach your children about sex but feels unprepared and

anxious? Do you worry that talking to children about sex will whet their appetite and make them want to ‘do it’?

Children today are the most connected, socially aware, advertisedto and sexualised generation that ever walked planet earth. Many of the parents I speak to are struggling to know how best to communicate with their children and keep up with the challenges they are facing, particularly in the areas of sexuality and the cyberworld. You may be one of these. But the conversation has to happen. Avoiding it will make your children seek information elsewhere. Ignorance is not an option.

This is why I have written this book. It is a book for all ages and all types of people involved in parenting.

It is for biological parents and adoptive parents, foster parents and grandparents. It is for single and married aunties and uncles who play a role in parenting. But there is more. Every member of the church has a part to play in nurturing the children in the church family, so if you belong to a church, this book is for you too. In fact, this is a book for everyone.

This book is about a unique component of parenting. It is about nurturing children in God’s truth of sex, identity, marriage, intimacy and relationship. It is about giving them a roadmap based on God’s word and the Bible to navigate the rocky terrain of a sexualised cyberworld.

You may not realise it but when it comes to sex, intimacy and relationships, both what you say and how you behave matter to children. The transfer of knowledge, beliefs and values occurs in intentional ways when parents, school or church speak directly to children from a very young age. However, children also learn in non-intentional ways from the behaviour and role-modelling of parents, siblings and significant others including those of the church family. This latter process of sexual socialisation is easily neglected.

This book gives you Bible-based guidelines based on current secular research. It is not a set of rules or recipes for successful sex education and parenting. Every child and family situation is unique, and you are

encouraged to read, discuss, digest and apply these principles as best suits your family.

The book is presented in two parts.

Part 1 gives you an overview of current guidelines on parenting and sex education in a biblical framework, and discusses the myths and misconceptions that act as obstacles to effective communication.

Part 2 gives you the knowledge and skills to provide age-appropriate sex education that enables children to understand the science of sex and develop a value system based on God’s overarching plan for sex, gender and marriage. This will empower them to counter secular attitudes and behaviour, and gives them the skills they need to make wise choices.

Each chapter in Part 2 will cover one topic. Each topic will be discussed in terms of the science and cultural norms. A biblical framework of the issues children face and the role of parents in helping and guiding them will be discussed in four age groups: less than 5 years (toddlers); 5–10 years (primary school); 10–14 years (tweenagers) and over 15 years (teenagers).

In this part, you will find that I refer to three other books I have written: Teen Sex by the Book written for your older teens and young adult children; Growing Up by the Book for your tweenagers between 10 and 14 years and Birds and Bees by the Book, a book for you to read with your primary-schoolers.

I refer to these books to give you a resource for communication with your children. Use the three books as a connection point for conversation.

HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS BOOK

This book is not a textbook on parenting or sex education. It is a guide. I recommend that you read Part 1 as a whole and absorb the broad principles discussed. When reading Part 2, I recommend that you read