YOUTHWORKS BIBLE STUDY SERIES
TOPICAL
Sex, love and relationships
Michael Sams
Published August 2011 Anglican Youthworks PO Box A287 Sydney South NSW 1235 Ph: 612 8268 3344 Fax: 612 8268 3357 www.cepstore.com.au Copyright Youthworks Press © Michael Sams 2011 This book is copyright. Apart from fair dealing for the purposes of private study, research, criticism or review, as permitted under the Copyright Act 1968, no part may be reproduced by any process without the written permission of the Publisher. Scriptures taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version® NIV®. Copyright© 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide. National Library of Australia ISBN 978-1-921460-89-0 Author – Michael Sams Managing Editor – Julie Firmstone Theological Editor and additional text – Marshall Ballantine-Jones Typesetting and design – Rebecca Jee
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DATING
A note to leaders: read the footnote on this page!3
Share Write down three reasons why you, or people you know, would want to go out with someone. (If you are doing this study as a part of a group, write your answers on separate pieces of paper and put them in a box or hat. Then count up the answers and note the most common reasons.) Does this tell you anything about your attitude to dating and that of your friends?
History of dating If our goal for any of our relationships is to do what God wants, is it fair to say that God is to be at the centre of our boyfriend/girlfriend relationships?
In your experience, is it common for dating teens to have God at the centre of their relationship?
3 It is vital for leaders within a church or school community to teach the same message on dating consistently across the board. Before leading this study, we advise you to carefully work through and understand the views of your senior leadership and plan how all leaders will together approach the topic. Modern dating is foreign to the biblical culture and we build our ‘theology of dating’ from biblical first-principles. Many Christians do not think this issue through carefully and, as a result, it becomes confusing for teenagers and your Christian community when mixed messages are taught (or practised) by leaders.
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Did you know that in the first century (when the Bible was written) there was no such thing as ‘dating’? In fact, dating as we know it today did not really take shape until the 1950s. The invention and availability of the car made it a lot easier to go on dates. The contrast between the relationships of the first and twenty-first centuries looks like this:
1st century model
21st century model
Brothers and sisters in Christ
Brothers and sisters in Christ
Betrothed
‘Going out’
Married
Engaged Married
The idea of an arranged marriage is very bizarre in our western culture. It is quite acceptable for teenagers to enjoy carefree relationships for many years without any commitment to marriage. That is, a person may date a few boyfriends/girlfriends and ‘experiment’ a little. Afterwards, say at university, they resist the inconvenience of being ‘attached’ to someone (engagement) because relationships are supposed to be fun and carefree. But finally, maybe in their mid-20s, they find ‘the one’ and seriously date. This is usually followed by a long engagement and then marriage (but no kids until their careers have been fully established, and after they’ve been overseas at least once). Okay, that’s a generalisation but it’s still very common. So how do we figure out this dating thing when it all seems so confusing? Since there was no dating in the first century it makes sense that the Bible does not specifically talk about it. How do I figure out what God wants on a topic not even mentioned in the Bible? Well, don’t worry—you already have most of the answers! In the past four studies we have been laying down the foundations for dating. We know that God has designed us with a purpose and given us principles for all relationships. From here we can start to think more specifically about dating. To recap, what are the three things we have learnt about all relationships from studies 1 and 2? (Hint: ‘someone’ is at the centre; God’s nature is ‘something’person-centered; all human relationships need this.)
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If we date just to have ‘a bit of fun’ or out of a desire to be accepted or even because of a deep-seated feeling of loneliness, how does that contrast with these three principles?
Read Genesis 2:18–25 God designed us with a purpose. What is God’s purpose for men and women?
What is the problem when dating has no relationship to marriage?
Rate these statements (agree/disagree/depends):
agree All boyfriend/girlfriend relationships need to be thought of in the context of marriage.
God has no problem with dating if marriage is a possibility. When dating is just for fun (or some other reason) it actually contradicts God’s design for relationships. Teenage dating can cheapen God’s view of marriage.
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disagree
depends
How would your friends at school (university or work) rate the previous statements?
Do I need a boyfriend/girlfriend? When understanding God’s design in marriage it is important to consider if ‘not getting married’ is an option.
Do I need to get married? Read 1 Corinthians 7:25–35 Do we have to date? Do we need to have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Why or why not?
Read Matthew 19:11–12 According to Jesus, why might someone choose to stay single? Who was Jesus saying this to?
Can we have a word on ... Singleness?
Not everyone will be confident of marrying in the future. There are many reasons for why people stay single, sometimes by choice, sometimes without any choice at all. If you would like to hear more from the Bible on what it says about singleness, turn to Appendix B in your own time.
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But what if I want to get married one day? The next question is ...
Whom should I go out with? One day you might have marriage in mind. What would your dream girl/boy be? What kind of person should you look for? Read the following passages and piece together what we should look for in a marriage partner. Observe the sort of person these passages talk about.
Women
Men
Mark 10:6–8 Matthew 5:31–32 Matthew 14:3 1 Corinthians 7:36–39; 2 Corinthians 6:14 Ephesians 5:22–33 Proverbs 31:30 1 Peter 3:1–5 From the above research, write down a summary of the sort of person we should be looking for.
Do you feel anything is missing from your list? Why?
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What do you think is more important: Finding the right person to marry or being the right person to marry?
Any youth group leader will tell you that the constant question they have to deal with is: Can a Christian have a non-Christian boyfriend/girlfriend? And yet if we are asking, ‘What does God want?’ then the answer should be obvious and without exceptions. How would you answer this question?
Get real Consider this scenario: Andre and Annette go to school together and have been in the same circle of friends for years. They get on well together and love hanging out in their group. The difference is that while Annette is a committed Christian, Andre is not interested in Christianity. Although Andre sometimes goes to church with her, Annette knows that he is not a believer. After years of hanging out together, Andre has become very attracted to Annette and has plucked up the courage to ask her out. Annette really likes Andre as well. What should Annette do? (Circle your answer.)
a. Tell Andre she doesn’t like him and just wants to continue as friends.
b. Go out with Andre but tell him she is only going to marry a Christian.
c. Go out with him so she can convert Andre (or at least make this the excuse).
d. Tell Andre that Jesus is the centre of her life and she can only go out with (and marry) someone who loves Jesus just as much as she does. She should tell Andre that, if he wants to be serious about God, he needs to do that for himself. One of their Christian male mates would love to take him to church.
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What excuses do Christians use to justify having a non-Christian boyfriend/girlfriend?
Are any of these reasons acceptable in light of what the Bible teaches? (Hint: Start with Study 1.)
Questions to ask yourself about dating Use these questions to reflect on your preparation for marriage or changes you should make to your relationships. Discuss any of the questions as the group desires: 1. Have I asked myself the question, ‘Is it possible that I might one day marry this person?’ 2. Do I want this particular boyfriend/girlfriend because it makes me feel valued and accepted? 3. Will I be the sort of guy/girl that a godly Christian girl/guy would want to marry? 4. Do I seek to get the attention of guys/girls by flirting with them? 5. Am I overly concerned about what I wear and how I look because this is the only way to get a boyfriend/girlfriend? 6. Have I considered that long-term dating can be cruel to the other person if I keep them waiting for a decision to commit?
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How do we know what real love is? What should a Christian relationship look like? What is good sex and bad sex? The world bombards us with its views on sex, love and relationships. As young people, how are we to seek a godly marriage or to live God’s way in singleness? These studies are designed to show us God’s views on relationships as revealed in the Bible as well as addressing issues such as pornography, masturbation and homosexuality. About the author Michael Sams has been involved in training and leading youth groups for 10 years. He is passionate about seeing high school kids come to Christ and grow in their faith so that they will be leaders of the next generation. At university, Michael also developed a passion for inspiring young adults to evangelise youth. He was previously an Occupational Therapist in mental health and is married with three children. About the Youthworks Bible Study series More than ever, young people today need answers to life’s big questions. The Youthworks Bible Study series is designed to challenge and encourage young people to be confident in their faith in Jesus in a changing world. These studies have been written by experienced youth leaders and are arranged into Old Testament, New Testament and Topical.
ISBN 978-1-921460-89-0
9 781921 460890