NO. 02 : ART SKOOL
TOUCH ME I’M SICK
Your first concert that wasn’t in some boy’s sweaty basement YOU’D JUST MET THIS COOL GIRL INEZ AT UNI YOU WERE NINETEEN AND GO SEE MUDHONEY TOGETHER BOTH UNDERAGE AND TIMID BUT A LADY’S WHO’S BEEN DOING THIS A LONG TIME WITH DRINK IN HAND COMES TO YOUR RESCUE DRAGS YOU UP FRONT BY MONITORS she cuts through boys thrashing with her elbows to stage with grace deposits you in front of Mark-Arm ecstasy sweat is so pervasive you feel as if drunk (maybe the lady snuck you both a drink).
SMEAR
Inez sneaks a bottle of whiskey into Speedy Ortiz Show bites your shoulder when she’s sober she swears she’s not into girls YOU’RE BOTH YOUNG ENOUGH TO BE WOOED BY MYSTIQUE AND ALLURE BOYS IN HARDCORE BANDS WHO SHOOT HEROIN AND FUCK NUMB OR ABSTRACT PAINTERS PLAGUED WITH NOSTALGIA she met this kid who looks like Kurt Cobain in rehab she was the closest you had to a best friend but you don’t tell her instead she starts her own magazine called SMEAR you feel abandoned you bite with words when you feel drab next to her CUT HER DOWN motorcycle jacket glitter and black hair inherited from her mother from Mexico ONE TIME SHE MENTIONS THE KIDNAPPINGS IN AYOTZINAPA AND HOW SHE KINDA UNDERSTANDS HER MOTHER’S SPANISH BUT CAN’T RESPOND but you still drink together you both think you know how to play the game “CHEERS” another glass of vodka another glass of vodka another.
THE ABSTRACT PAINTER
THE PAINTER YOU MEET FINAL YEAR OF ART SCHOOL IS ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT ROTHKO OR FRANKENTHALER His name’s Isaac and he’s got these big ideas and monologues but mostly he’s rebelling against his wife who tells him what to do uneasy secret meetings and feelings HE DOESN’T WANT TO BE ON MEDICATION but he threatens to hurt himself a lot and you like being a MUSE you pretend you can soak up aching like a dish towel HE’S MARRIED BUT FUCK IT PEOPLE ALWAYS DO WHAT THEY WANT ANYWAY PROMISES ‘TIL DEATH ARE JUST INSTITUTIONS in a church somewhere folks are praying for your souls or whatever but honestly it’s more talking and dreaming than fucking.
NOBUYASHI ARAKI
VEINS OF LEAF AND VEINS OF EYEBALL IN DIPTYCH A LIZARD APPROACHES A FLOWER perhaps the creature is drawn to the beauty of it perhaps the creature is on a mission to rip apart petals ANOTHER PHOTO A WOMAN IS SLOUCHED AGAINST WALL IN KIMONO HAIR OF VULVA EXPOSED SMOKING CIGARETTE araki says when asked about the tabou of bodies A WOMAN IS EXPOSED THROUGH HER FACE MORE THAN HER NAKED BODY and you don’t stop thinking about that.
ETERNAL YOUTH
(inspired by “Eternal Youth” exhibition at MCA Chicago 2017) THERE’S NAN GOLDIN AND LARRY CLARK ON THE WALL remember you were fearless once learnt to assert yourself before you knew what you were doing by Iggy Pop’s swagger ADULTS PUNISH YOU THEN STAND SILENTLY BEHIND CRACK IN YOUR DOOR WATCHING RAVENOUS JEALOUS OF YOUR UNWRINKLED SKIN you’re drugged on painkillers smoking weed strumming guitar looking at fashion magazines willing your thighs to look like Kate Moss LESSON BETWEEN “LOVE” AND “LIKE” IS UNFORGIVING YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE WORLD YET you’re 16 with the music store clerk in the back room and he wants to be like you A REAL LIFE NABOKOV CHARACTER FOLLOWING LITTLE LOLITA WITH SHARP EYES the book wasn’t about celebrating creeps just investigating psychology how many men who read those words felt justified AND YET SOMEHOW YOU SURVIVED.
YOU TALK ABOUT THE SLITS AND BUKOWSKI WITH THIS WRITER FROM WORKSHOP
IN A SUBWAY STOP UNDERGROUND NOTHING TO DO BUT WALK AROUND AND SMOKE CIGARETTES they say you seem so calm and open-minded you roll your eyes don’t say anything you want them to like you THEY SEND A MESSAGE “PASSING PRIVILEGE IS BULLSHIT” WHY DON’T YOU TRY TO FIND A GIRL WHO LIKES PUNK AND VEGAN FOOD ON OKCUPID ? they offer to write your profile you see them choke on words trying to explain to a class of suburban kids why mispronouncing their name hurts so much YOU THINK ABOUT HOW YOUR GRANDFATHER CROSSED AN OCEAN TO FIGHT A WAR IN THEIR COUNTRY they say they’re glad you’re in their workshop you talk a lot about their ideas in therapy how something can be so particular it’s universal art is transformation not violence how pain is just a measure of what you need THEY SIGN A COPY OF THEIR NEW BOOK AT A READING AND GIVE YOU A HUG WHEN YOU MOVE OUT OF CHICAGO APARTMENT YOU SELL MOST OF YOUR BOOKS BUT KEEP THEIRS.
ROCK MINIMALISTE
YOUR IDEA OF ROCK N’ ROLL IS INFORMED BY DUDE VIRTUOSOS you talk about voice without a grasp of this elusive concept your best friend and you in uni talk a lot about being in a band but never start one THEN YOU HEAR THIS DUO ARMED WITH NOTHING BUT A DRUM MACHINE GUITAR AND VOCALS fascinated by its minimalist power as in you can do this art-making whatever you call it atonal fucked-upNESS AND BLACK MAGICK.
PROCESS
SOMETIMES YOU PRETEND WRITING A POEM OR COMPOSING A SONG IS SO EASY the process the working hard never happened in grade school teachers repeated she’s so smart it just comes natural to her and you don’t want to lose the myth you lapse into mental laziness TRY TO MAKE THE WRITING COMPOSING LOOK EFFORTLESS CLEAN AND THEREFORE INTELLIGENT NOT A SINGLE MARK OF SPLATTERED INK OMNISCIENT LIKE GODDESS PURE AND RAW AND UNCONTAMINATED you recite this monologue to professor in a workshop he grants you a C- for your posture.
WE DREAMED WE COULD GET HIGH TO INFINITY ASCENDENCE
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT : carry around Narcan you could save a life YOU KNOW THAT YOU SMOKE THE SAME BRAND OF CIGARETTES LONG BEFORE YOU KNOW HOW HARD GROWING UP WITH A MENTALLY ILL MOTHER WAS FOR HER all stalls in the bathroom are occupied unable to wait you puke into a sink you leave the bar ask the driver to pull over and step out into headlights just in time to puke in full view AND SORRY TO THE FRIEND WHO’S SHOWER CURTAINS ARE STILL STAINED YOU PUKED MISSED THE TOILET AND FELL ASLEEP ON HIS FLOOR YOU BOTH DRINK LESS STILL LAUGH ABOUT THESE MEMORIES co - workers are talking about their dealer and plans to get turnt up fucked up but you’re so absolutely bored out-of-mind LAST MESSAGE FROM INEZ (START) i’m high as fuck talk to me and tell me i relapsed on Heroin because i’m useless (END)
GAY CULTURE
INITIATED INTO GAY CULTURE AT THE CLUB PALOMA IN HAND before when you were teenager photos of drag queens and girls kissing enchanted you from faraway FEEL OUT OF PLACE AT PRIDE PARADES UNTIL ONE TWO BANANA SHOT Inez is telling you how to score even when trapped in rehab you’ve kissed a girl but don’t really know what to add to the conversation in a booth drinking wine in a gay space someone exclains ASTROLOGY IS PEAK GAY CULTURE so you’ve been studying the stars YOUR FAMILY TRIES TO RELATE TO WHAT YOU’RE SAYING ABOUT BISEXUAL NOT BEING THE SAME AS LESBIAN AND WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO TO THE CLUB AND MEET PEOPLE but it’s not all rainbows vodka and edm music sometimes its not getting out of bed and men telling you “well you just never got it good enough, babe.”
GIRL GANG
YOU WRITE A ZINE IN ART SCHOOL ABYSS WITH YOUR FRIEND INEZ she’s into leather and glitter japanese horror films she wears acid-washed jean jacket over leather vest with black boots YOU’RE INTO RIPPED JEANS UNWASHED HAIR AND GRUNGE Inez’ dad always seems to be chasing her around with a bottle of holy water after he cracked open one of her art books YOU FORM A PRETEND GIRL GANG WATCH ROCKY HORROR IN A MOVIE THEATRE GO SEE THE BREEDERS DAVID BOWIE IS EXHIBIT she sends you a sad face after Lou Reed died you take photos of her for an ART SCHOOL PROJECT sit on curb smoke cigs channeling American Spirit SHE WEARS BLACK WING TIPS ON EYES IN DOLL STORE WHERE SHE WORKS AND TERRIFIES MOTHERS but you never talk about what it must be like to be xicana at punk shows surrounded by sexually frustrated men or fiercely sexual in workshops filled with chaste kids from the suburbs.
WRITE URGENT ISSUES OF YOUR GENERATION
YOU WATCH MUM WINCE AS SHE CHARGES GROCERIES TO A CREDIT CARD SHE FLIPS wistfully through pages of lifestyle mags when she thinks you are not looking this is not glamorous THE QUOTIDIAN IS NOT FASCINATING THE BLANK STARE ON MUM’S FACE always a dollar short TV flicker offers a glimpse of her body passed out on sofa dad is somewhere drinking THIS IS NOT GLAMOROUS SO NOT GLAMOUROUS and your response is to run away even if you can’t drive on the freeway you are not old enough YOU WANT TO BE THIN LIKE SUPERMODEL ROGUE LIKE ROLLING STONES FINISH A SONG like Patti Smith or Lou Reed get high drive fast car reckless into sunset like old films but you’re not getting at the real issue here.
POSTGRADUATE STUDIES
YOU’D LOVE TO GO OFF TO EUROPE AND GO TO GRADUATE SCHOOL SPEND A COUPLE YEARS READING the classics of philosophy and British Literature Virginia Woolf and Nietzsche you see yourself returning grand and enlightened BUT YOU CAN’T PAY THE BILLS SO YOU learn to pour a drink and teach yourself PhotoShop you’re resisting the urge TO CALL YOURSELF LAZY SOMETIMES YOU MIX A LIVE BAND BUT WISH YOU WERE ON STAGE you try to not let it sting WHAT ARE THE REASONS YOU’VE DECIDED TO PURSUE GRADUATE STUDY fingers tap out hieroglyphics you don’t trust your own voice all you see is abstract shapes on the page.
ART SCHOOL IS
VENUS IN PARIS IS BURNING WHO WANTS TO BE A SUPERMODEL KIDS from the suburbs living out bohemian fantasies Nan Goldin’s self-portraits after a lover hit her Sylvia PLATH ANNE SEXTON WHO WRITE CHILDBIRTH AND DEPRESSION KIDS WITH MORE EXPENSIVE CAMERAS than you Joan Didion’s impersonal Hollywood of pill popping smoking weed BETWEEN CLASSES ALISON BECHDEL’S RELATIONSHIP WITH HER FATHER THAT BRINGS YOU TO TEARS you know the pain of terse conversations with dad tipping flask of rum into take-out coffee before workshop KIT AND LAURA FIGHTING ABOUT SOMETHING IN THEIR APARTMENT IN LINDA YABLONSKY’S BOOK constant fear of being uninteresting THE PERPETUAL PURPLE-UNDER-EYES LOOK writing down facts such as THE FIRST PRIDE BEGAN AS A RIOT INSTIGATED BY TWO TRANS WOMYN ART SCHOOL IS looking cool smoking a cigarette but hardly any time at your own desk.
GETHSEMANE
YOU WALK PAST FLORAL SHOP PICK UP PLANT FROM THE GROUND shopkeeper notices what he calls your conscientiousness about flowers YOU CHAT A BIT HE PLAYED IN A POST-PUNK BAND IN THE 80S YOU SAY YOUR BAND HAS A TAPE OUT he asks about the title of each song last song is about Inez from art school she got into drugs she just disappeared HE NODS AND SHARES THE LAST TIME HE SAW HIS DRUMMER AT BELMONT TRAIN STOP she had knife wound on her abdomen post-argument with a boyfriend you say the last time you saw Inez you both worked a shitty retail job SHE WAS IN REHAB AGAIN YOU INVITED HER TO YOUR NEW APARTMENT BUT SHE NEVER CAME BY AND now you know the sex and drugs she wrote were the stuff of lived experience.