No lists of the best museums, no toe-curling guides to the 'coolest' clubs and bars in the city, no advice on where to stay either (well, maybe we'll help you out a little bit on that last one). That's just not how John Altman (baker, nudist, part-time roadie, full-time hippy) rolls. Instead of all that hogwash, Where Would John Go? is a proper guide to the character of the city that tells you how to make the most out of your stay in London by doing nothing. Nada. Niks. Rien. Where Would John Go Next? Amsterdam! The ultimate guide to doing nothing in the land of canals, tulips and windmills is now available in a good book shop near you! (NB - articles about canals, tulips and windmills not included)
A game of croquet? Sure. Strolling down the Thames? Absolutely. A cup of tea and a slice of cake? Yes please. Spending all day in the pub? Why on earth not? That’s what everyone else here does and that’s exactly the kind of thing we’ll help you to do too.
London’s got its problems - a creaking and inexplicably expensive public transport system, crime (though not much worse than anywhere else), shitty weather - but the good far outweighs the bad in this city. People continue to flock here for the same reasons that brought Dick Whittington to London centuries ago; not the streets paved with gold necessarily (sadly it’s been established that these don’t exist), but because this is a place where things happen. There’s always somewhere on the horizon in London and its streets teem with people in a hurry to get there, whether it’s the next step in their career, a concert or just to go to the pub.
Travel with Where Would John Go? in your heart (and your pocket) and you’ll soon be at home in London and beyond. Because wherever John goes is home.
WWW.MOMEDIA.NL
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Colophon
Where Would John Go? London is a mo’media bv publication.
This book has been compiled and researched with a great deal of love, care and
attention. However, some errors may have crept into the text. mo’media cannot be held responsible for these.
Reactions, complaints, and praise can be sent to mo’media, postbus 3936, 4800 DX Breda, The Netherlands, info@momedia.nl
www.momedia.nl. All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Concept and design: Gummo (www.gummo.nl)
Words: William Georgi (www.willisgreat.co.uk) Illustrations: Mattijs Werner and Hajo de Boer
Hustlers: Sterre Jongerius (Gummo) and Lisette Dirks (mo’media) Lithography: MasterColors MediaFactory Editor: Samantha van Kolck (mo’media)
With thanks to: The John Altman Organization (www.johnaltman.org) ISBN 978-90-5767- 560-7 NUR 510
© mo’media bv, april 2012
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher, except where permitted by law.
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PUBLISHER’S NOTE
To forestall any disappointment, we would like to make it clear that John Altman did not write this book. This book was written by a man called William Georgi. Or William Thomas Francis Georgi, as his mum calls him when she’s not pleased with him. William, or Will, as his friends know him, is from London. But he’s not John Altman. John Altman is from San Francisco. This book is inspired by what Will learned from John and the founders of the John Altman Organisation, two Dutchmen called Hajo and Onno. That’s why it’s called Where Would John Go, not Where Would I Go, or Where Did John Go. We know John’s been to London and we know he likes it very much, as he’s always keen to share his love of travelling, and his knowledge of the places that he loves, with the rest of the world. Which is why we want to share the places where John would go with you. So if you read a sentence that begins I went‚ then it’s somewhere Will went. And if it’s we went... it’s somewhere Will or his friends in the John Altman Organisation went. And if it’s John went‚ well, it’s somewhere John went. Got it? Good. Then let’s go!
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contents Here’s Johnny (Introducing you to the man,
the myth, the legend that is Mr. John Altman). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6 Maybe it’s because John’s a Londoner (or his uncle was) (That explains why John loves London) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 A TALE OF TWO CITIES (Both of which are the city of London). . . . . . 14 Do you know what I mean? (That shows how to communicate
successfully with the locals). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34 Doing Nothing outside (That’s not just cricket. There’s stuff about
parks, reading and swimming too). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48 Doing Nothing Inside (That’s all about the pub.
Really, that’s all it’s about.Well, almost). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 68 You put your left leg in, your put your left leg out (That reveals the best way to get around London
that isn’t the hokey-cokey). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 84
food, glorious food (That endeavours to show how eating in London can be a pleasure rather than a chore). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 100 Where John Wouldn’t Go (That tells you how to get out
of a tight spot and shows you some much nicer places to do nothing
rather than something). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 118 WHERE WOULD JOHN GO? (That contains some helpful names and numbers). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 134
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S JOHNNY! HERE’ you to the man,
(Introducing the myth, the legend, that is mr. John Altman)
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HERE’S JOHNNY!
Y
ou might not see many people walking round in a ‘John Altman Changed My Life T-Shirt’ but that’s exactly what he did. Change our lives, I mean. Not, as with most life-changing people, by doing something remarkable, making an inspirational speech, having a baby with you, writing an amazing book (or three) or teaching you to ride a bike. But John Altman? He did nothing to change our lives. What did we learn from him? Nothing. What can you learn from him? Nothing. What can we tell you about John? Nothing. Well, not much apart from the fact that we met him in San Francisco and spent a week at his house doing, you’ve guessed it, nothing. And what’s John going to tell you to do in London? Nothing. He’s not even going to say a word about it. So why on earth is there a book about where he would go on holiday then? Well, to help you do nothing too. After all, it’s what a holiday and travelling are all about, no? Escaping work, responsibility and routine and simply enjoying yourself. If there was one person who was good at doing nothing, it was John. Now, that’s not strictly true. He did a lot of stuff like bake cookies, drink wine, catch some waves, give away the cookies he’d baked to people on the beach (that’s how we met him actually) and he listened to a hell of a lot of music. Some people might call that doing nothing. John would call it the essence of life itself. But even if these naysayers were right, John would be more than happy to spend the rest of his life doing that kind of nothing rather than anything else. And so would we for that matter.
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And when he went travelling, he went with exactly the same goal that helped him get so much out of life: to do nothing. That’s to say he would spend a lot of time in cafés researching where the best place to get a coffee was, make friends with the people he met there, go to the occasional exhibition, check out the local bands. In short, he did whatever he felt like. He didn’t make any plans, as he figured that you never know what might happen so you might as well let what happens, happen. If he wanted to do something, he’d do it. And if he didn’t, he wouldn’t. Simple. So he wouldn’t run around trying to see as many tourist attractions as possible or queue up to have his photo taken with a Beefeater at The Tower of London. But he would always get whatever he wanted done and he would always have a damn good time and return from his vacation with more stories than you could shake a stick at. One holiday he was always particularly keen on reliving was a winter he spent in St. Petersburg, where he didn’t do much but drink a lot, talk a lot and drink a bit more. Nothing, basically. But the stories that emerged from this morally and ethically dubious time (like streaking down Nevsky Prospect while it was -20 or the dance-off he had with members of the Marinksky Ballet Company at The Shamrock Pub) lasted John a lifetime. All this is why John is the perfect man to lead you around London. Well, he would be, except he’s too busy doing nothing somewhere else around the world to do it. But don’t worry, thanks to John we’re pretty good at doing nothing too. And we’re also pretty confident that after reading this book and 8
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doing nothing in London, you’ll come back saying it’s the greatest place in the world. And the best thing? You won’t hardly have to lift a finger to realise that dream. Do less, get more done, John always said. And what have we got to say to that? Absolutely nothing. Cheers, John.
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Maybe it’s because John’s a Londoner (or his uncle was)
(That explains why John love
s London)
When pressed (well, if you pressed a glass of wine into his hand) John would usually plump for London as his favourite city in the world. It always seemed like a strange choice for a man who enthusiastically espoused the merits of the beach lifestyle and preferred to wear as few clothes as possible, but as ever, there was method to his apparent madness. Family was important to John and there used to be an outpost of the Altman clan in London when John’s uncle John (the Altmans weren’t very good with names, John was in actual fact John Altman the Fifth) had a fish and chip shop in Highbury. This family connection gave rise to John’s favourite thing about London: the accent. Or at least the vague approximation of it that he delighted in wheeling out whenever he met 10
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anyone English, or European, or from anywhere really. The only problem was that he based it on Sean Connery’s interpretation of James Bond, so John’s ‘English’ was largely confined to saying “The name’s Altman, John Altman” and “Plenty O’Toole? Named after your father, I presume?” rather a lot. It was a routine that he delivered with such gusto that no one ever had the heart to tell him that, well, it wasn’t very good especially as his enthusiasm for doing his London accent was matched only by his love of the city itself. There was one word that cropped up an awful lot when John was talking about London: awesome. John, as a good Californian, meant awesome as in brilliant, or ‘spiffing’ as they say in London.
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But as high as London undoubtedly scores in the spiffing stakes, it would be more accurate to describe London as awesome in the original sense of the word. You know, in a sort of biblical, god-fearing kind of way - inspiring reverence, respect, dread and wonder inspired by authority, genius, great beauty, sublimity or might. Thank you Oxford Online Dictionary. London is all of that and more. It might not be the city that never sleeps but for most of the time London is a bustling hive of activity, a city full of possibilities, humming with people, energy, and potential. A city that’s both old and young, coming apart at the seams and doing its best to improve itself at the same time, English and very much not English (foreign, I mean, London’s always been shaped by the people from abroad who have made their home here over the millennia), an exhilarating mass of contradictions that it’s impossible to restrict to one definition or identity. There’s just simply too much of London, and too much going on there, to even bother. Life is here in all its glorious variety, with the good, the bad, and the ugly all present, warts and all, as England’s biggest killjoy ever, Oliver Cromwell, was once meant to have said. London’s got its problems - a creaking and inexplicably expensive public transport system, crime (though not much worse than anywhere else), shitty weather - but the good far outweighs the bad in this city. People continue to flock here for the same reasons that brought Dick Whittington to London centuries ago; not the streets paved with gold 12
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necessarily (sadly it’s been established that these don’t exist), but because this is a place where things happen. There’s always somewhere on the horizon in London and its streets teem with people in a hurry to get there, whether it’s the next step in their career, a concert or just to go to the pub. When you arrive for the first time, it feels a bit like you’ve stumbled into one of those shots beloved of filmmakers when they want to show someone who is lost, where the person in the centre of the screen is frozen while the rest of the world speeds around them. Well, that’s London for you. And it’s a prospect you’ll either find exhilarating or terrifying. Exhilarating, we hope. London may not be the centre of the world any more, but it remains one of the creative capitals of the world, a hive of industry that attracts people from all over the world to carve out a place for themselves in the maelstrom or pop over for a taste of what’s going on. And my, is there a lot going on here. Exhibitions, concerts, music, fashion, design, books, festivals, sport, almost anything and everything else you could wish to do, see or be entertained by or marvel at is in London. Awesome, indeed.
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