Vertigo Edition 5 by Megan Manning

EDITORS LUCIEN ALPERSTEIN JAMES BOURNE CARLA EFSTRATIOU GEMMA KACZEREPA AVA NIRUI DANIEL PIOTROWSKI ANNA WATANABE JUSTIN WOLFERS

MEGAN MANNING IRIT POLLAK

DOES USING EUROPEAN PHRASES WHILE YOU SPEAK ENGLISH MAKE YOU A WANKER?

TRIVIAL DISPUTES

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GEMMA + ANNA

DEFAMER

JAMES BOURNE

PRESENTING MATTHEW FRASER AND WARWICK LEVY

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SHOWCASE

JASON CHILDS HAS A MOCKTAIL AND INTERVIEWS HIMSELF

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25TH UTS WRITERS ANTHOLOGY JASON CHILDS

AROUND THE WORLD ON FISH AND CHIP OIL

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FEATURE: RUNNING ON FISH AND CHIPS LAUREN FITZPATRICK

HOW TO DO CHRISTMAS NEW YORK STYLE

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A TRAVELER’S GUIDE TO A WHITE XMAS COURTNEY ROGERS

Vertigo and its entire contents are protected

republication. No material may be reproduced

ANNA WATANABE

AVA NURUI

26. by copyright. Vertigo will retain reprint rights,

ROADTEST: WINTER SPORTS

MARY DAWSON

COVER IMAGE

contributors retain all other rights for resale and

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FOOD AND FASHION GEMMA + CARLA

FEATURE REVIEW: BLUES FESTIVAL STEPHANIE KING

without the prior written consent of the copyright holders. Vertigo would like to show it’s respect and acknowledge the Traditional Custodians of the land,

JUSTIN WOLFERS

THE INTERVIEW: SUPER GAMER ‘JINRO’

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STEPHANIE KING

CAMERON WHALAN

Editorial

ALBUMS TO DO DRUGS TO

ADVERTISING

NEHA MADHOK ET. AL SPOT PRESS PTY LTD, MARRICKVILLE

NINTENDO KNOWLEDGE

JASON CHILDS MARY DAWSON JULIAN DIBLEY-HALL LAUREN FITZPATRICK MATTHEW FRASER NICK JORDAN STEPHANIE KING WARWICK LEVY DOMINICA NICHOLLS FIONA MCCUAIG COURTNEY ROGERS

WITH THANKS TO

Soapbox

MUSICAL EUPHORIA

ART DIRECTORS

CONTRIBUTORS

REVIEWS

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AVA, COURTNEY, JUSTIN + DOMINICA

the Gadigal and Guring-gai people of Eora Nation, upon whose ancestral lands the university now stands. More than 500 Indigenous Nations shared this land for over 40,000 years before invasion. We express our solidarity and continued commitment to working with Indigenous peoples, in Australia and around the world, in their ongoing struggle for land rights, self determination, sovereignty, and the recognition and compensation for past injustices. Vertigo is published by the UTS STUDENTS’ ASSOCIATION Printed by SPOTPRESS PTY LTD, MARRICKVILLE Email us at advertising@utsvertigo.com for enquires

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Sport

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S.A Reports

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Games

JAMES BOURNE + NICK JORDAN

Having a Whale of a Time FIONA McCUAIG

ISSUE FIVE VERTIGO

SOAPBOX LETTERS & OPINION

VERTIGO RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT LETTERS FOR DESIGN AND SENSE-MAKING PURPOSES. HAVE YOUR SAY ON OUR FACEBOOK PAGE (VERTIGO) OR EMAIL US AT EDITORIAL@UTSVERTIGO.COM

LOVE LETTER OF THE WEEK A REBUTTAL TO ‘DEAR FUCKWITS’

HATE MAIL (KINDA) OF THE WEEK VERTIGO’S MOST PROLIFIC LETTER-WRITER

To the Crazy Cat Lady who wrote issue 3’s ‘Hate Mail of the Week’ [‘Dear Fuckwits’***],

Over the past couple of years, Vertigo has received 140 letters from a woman named Jane Wallace about various issues that have nothing to do with Vertigo. In her letters, Ms. Wallace continuously hates on Tony Abbott and the Liberal Party. And since we don’t ACTUALLY receive that much hate mail directed at us, for this edition’s Hate Mail of the Week, Vertigo has decided to share some of Jane Wallace’s “best” hating zingers.

I find your accusations of ageism against Vertigo and the younger student body hilarious. I don’t understand how you failed to see how blatantly hypocritical your ever-soeloquently-written letter is. You accuse us of judging you based on your age, yet you paint every student under 25 as “ADD-afflicted” stupid airheads who waste their time binge-drinking 24/7. Conclusion: you’re a hypocrite. We’re young. Hahah, we get it. We drink, we party, we’re up-to-date on the latest online phenomena and -- perish the thought! -- we actually want to have fun here. And just like you, we ask lots of questions, show up to class -- and talk in class a lot. We take our degrees just as seriously as you do, if not more so, because ultimately in addition to having a great social life at uni (which you evidently know nothing about), we do care about scoring a great job at the end of our degrees. That’s why we’re here. So don’t insult our intelligence, especially given a lot of young people I know are doing brilliantly so far. I also find your assumptions about money hilarious. “Mommy and daddy” (note: we spell ‘mummy’ with a ‘u’ in this country, darling) aren’t paying for a lot of us. We pay for textbooks, stationary, transport and food, just as we pay for alcohol and tickets to social events. That’s right, we have jobs. I also speak for a large number of students paying through HECS, who are thus technically paying for their own degrees. Your argument fails. You complain about being a victim of prejudice and sniggers. You should lose the self-pity and selfimportance, because 18 or 30, an attitude like that won’t get you a job anywhere (ironic, isn’t it?) And your complaints about how your life is so much harder because unlike us, you have to pay for your kid’s glasses and to put food on the table? That’s your problem, I don’t see how or why it should reflect on us. Gavin First year journalism/law ***Available on our website

September 2010: The News of the World is simple. Tony Abbott wants to become The Australian Prime Minister without The Express new election. He wants the Daily Telegraph to become the National Broadband Network. Tony Abbott is The Leader and The Advocate who lives in The Age and The Times where The Advance is The Herald of the Chronicle of The Sun and The Torch. Yours, The Star February 8, 2011: Only sexist, racist, ageist, male chauvinist, patriarchical and archaic Australians vote against Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard, and Premiers Kristina Keneally and Anna Bligh. These voters don’t deserve to vote. They are not human. February 20, 2011 Only mad cows will vote for Mad Barry and the NSW Liberals at the NSW state election. The only people that understand the Green language or the Liberal language are people from Greenland or Liberia. March 22, 2011 In the past, whaling stations and sewerage works have produced the very worst bad smells in NSW. Well phew, not anymore, NSW really smells. The NSW Liberals have B.O. Like the Greens, the NSW Liberals haven’t changed their clothes for four years.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF VERTIGO THIS YEAR? TELL US AT EDITORIAL@UTSVERTIGO.COM ALSO: TIME’S RUNNING OUT TO ENTER OUR HATE MAIL COMPETITION. THE AUTHOR OF THE BEST PIECE OF VERTIGO HATE MAIL WILL WIN THEMSELVES AN EXCLUSIVE CALICO BAG INSCRIBED WITH ‘UTS VERTIGO: GET FUCKED’. DETAILS ON OUR WEBSITE, UTSVERTIGO.COM

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ISSUE FIVE VERTIGO

EDITORIAL

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Suffice to say this edition of Vertigo is quite good enjoyable even – but a page-long editorial is not, it never is, which I why I will just get this over with in one sentence and tell you some stories about people like a friend at a party who told me she’d like to rufie herself in order to achieve the quintessential ‘college experience’ which to say the least dismayed me amidst the chatter of the royal wedding, perhaps because of the New York Times’ suggestion that it was a “romance in a time of austerity” and that’s why people were getting so hysterical as an alternative other distractions like, say, drugs and music (which we have an article on) or video games (interesting interview on that) and it seems that everybody wants to be distracted because no one has submitted any gut-punch state-of-the-world articles but we did get a progressive feature about fuelling your round the world trip on fish & chip grease, but with winter coming on no one is thinking about traveling or speaking foreign languages (or are they, check Trivial Disputes) they’re just snuggling, which is why our Roadtest is of that ilk where the city is a giant winter playground suggesting that you get creative or you could wind up succumbing to an evil urge and killing someone, like in the Showcase short story, the character guilty and paranoid, really needing to just relax, needing a T-shirt to make him feel loved like in the fashion showcase which has the necessary chill-factor for if you don’t have the time to get cultured with a book (UTS Anthology piece) or at Blues Fest (feature review) it’s all ailments and antidotes here, observe and distract, access the necessary chill to keep you on top of your shit until the absurdly long winter break.

JUSTIN WOLFERS editorial@utsvertigo.com

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ISSUE FIVE VERTIGO

ROADTEST: WINTER SPORTS WITHOUT THE SNOW Oh, so Jamaica can have a bobsled team, but Sydney can’t host the Winter Olympics because there’s no snow, huh? Perhaps the IOC isn’t trying hard enough. Anna Watanabe shows just how many gold medals you can win with a tarp and a shit load of detergent.

The Two-Person Luge/ Bobsled/ Skeleton The grace and beauty of this sport was perhaps most articulately captured by comedian Robin Williams: “What guy went, ‘I want to dress like a sperm, shove an ice skate up my ass, and ride balls first down an ice chute. That would be fun.’?” Obviously, while you can’t get to speeds of 140kms per hour and recreating the icy twists and turns of the natural luge tracks in Austria. But picking up the sides of the tarpaulin as your victim – uh, I mean “athlete” – slips around can create a similar, albeit less adrenaline-pumping, feeling of steering and control. Also, by flipping over onto your stomach you can cop a face full of suds skeleton-ing. Alternatively, gather three friends, don your favourite Rastafarian beanies, warm up those terrible Jamaican accents, and have a go at the bobsled.

Figure skating Ice-free figure skating isn’t so much “the ballet on ice” as it is “getting a running start and slipping across the tarp on level ground”. But it’s just as elegant. In much the same way that gravity proves to be a bitch while you are snowboarding, friction will be the biggest problem you’ll face ‘skating’. Dishwashing detergent will only take you so far when you’re on a tarpaulin. However, an excellent, and seemingly pointless, purple iceskating outfit from Vinnies goes someway towards making everything look much more official.

Curling Possibly my favourite winter sport, mainly because it’s so obscure. Americans call it “hockey without the speed and excitement”; I prefer to think of it as lawn bowls on ice. For this one, use mops as curling brooms and a half-watermelon covered in cling wrap to be a “big, heavy, kettle-thing they push down the ice”. Overall it works pretty well, although standing and walking alongside a makeshift “big, heavy, kettle-thing they push down the ice” is much easier said than done.

The Overall Pros and Cons Pros: • It’s cheaper – all you need is an industrial sized tub of dishwashing detergent, a giant tarpaulin and something to slide on. • It’s safer – let’s face it, I think anyone would rather fall onto some soggy grass at the comfortable speed of “8:30 am-on-the-Gore-Hill-Freeway”, than go careering down a ski slope at the more frightening “Shit!-I’m-careering-down-a-ski-slope” speed. Cons: • It’s lamer – imagine the conversation: “What did you do over the weekend?” “Oh, I went snow boarding.” “Get out! I love Thredbo!” “No, at the park.” • It’s warmer – as a person whose definition of skiing is “sitting in the club house, drinking hot chocolate and rum and wearing ski boots so it looks like I’ve done something”, a warmer climate is actually to my liking. Sadly, the whole ‘snow’ thing is actually the major attraction of Winter sports. Apparently.

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ALBUMS TO DO DRUGS TO WORDS: AVA NIRUI

VERTIGO’S NOT ADVOCATING THE USE OF DRUGS OR ANYTHING… BUT IN A HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION WHERE THEY WERE SHOVED DOWN YOUR THROAT, MAKE THE MOST OF THE EXPERIENCE BY WIGGING OUT TO THESE TUNES.

ECSTASY Major Lazer- Guns Don’t Kill People… Lazers do The trance-rave genre has become old-fashioned to the new age munter of the 21st century. A new genre of peaking-jams has emerged, the swelling melodies and throbbing basslines complimenting the immediate effects of ecstasy. This genre goes by many innovative names such as Wamp, Wobble, Womp and, of course, Dubstep. Dubstep is a heinous blend of reggae, drum ‘n’ bass and trance. Major Lazer have become a leading name on the Dub scene. They deliver high tempo rhythms, repetitive melodies and strange warped vocals, intensifying your nausea and anxiousness till your gums bleed. Once you witness these electrifying beats, you will feel the need to remove the clothes from your sweaty body, clench your jaw and make love to the person next to you. Plus, Major Lazer provide a plethora of remixes you can sink your gurning teeth into!

MARIJUANA Wavves- Wavvves Surf culture has always been synonymous with marijuana use. There’s nothing better than blazing up a joint on the beach and listening to slurred, noise rock till you eventually green out. Wavves are a 3-piece lo-fi surf rock band from San Diego - their second album being the ideal soundtrack to your wild cannabis escapades. In fact, the album itself sounds like it’s recorded in a garage whilst under the influence of an overwhelming amount of illicit hallucinogenics. The erratic tempo in second track ‘Beach Demon’ will add to your intense paranoia as well as heightening your lack of co-ordination. Transport yourself to aesthetic paradise by throwing on some Wavves, watching your VHS of ‘Endless Summer’ on mute and turning your living room into a hot box. Gnarly, dude!

Go to: Club 77, Sydney Wear: Fluro pink V-neck, sunglasses, utility pants, dummy. Download: Hold the Line Feat. Santigold

Go To: The Pass, Byron Bay Wear: Flannelette shirt, beanie, no shoes, skateboard. Download: Weed Demon

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ACID Neon Indian- Psychic Chasms A psychedelic experience can either lead to a transcendent religious experience or land you in a straitjacket at your local psychiatric hospital. If you find that you’re having in-depth conversations with flowers, eating mud and being heavily disturbed by the subtlest of noises, you have accidentally (or intentionally) taken acid. The four piece Mexican chill-wave pioneers Neon Indian will make you feel like you’re on acid - even if you’re sober. Their distorted melodies, echoed synth and soft, warped vocals will serve as a perfect companion to your forest mushroom-picking adventures. The only thing more fucked than Neon Indian’s bizarre lyrics will be your perceptions of the world whilst on hallucinogenic drugs. You might find yourself in an intensely colourful galaxy speaking Elvish to your new fictional animal friends.

ALCOHOL Ke$ha- Animal Although alcohol is the most socially accepted drug of the 21st century, getting drunk can often be an awkward, sloppy and embarrassing process. There’s a huge difference between terrifying-wasted and amusingwasted. However, if you follow in the footsteps of musical pioneer and auto-tune sensation Ke$ha, you’ll learn how to get drunk tactfully and ‘wake up in the morning feeling like P.Diddy’. Her debut album is a satirical commentary on the dependence on alcoholism in modern societies. This release is both informative and musically exquisite. Unfortunately, this is blatant sarcasm. Alcohol is well and truly the only way you will ever appreciate Ke$ha’s nauseating and contrived excuse for ‘music’.

Go To: Haight-Ashbury, San Francisco Wear: Tie-dye shirt; floor length skirt made of all organic materials, feathers, flowers. Download: I Should Have Taken Acid With You

Go To: The Greenwood Hotel on a Thursday night Wear: Sequinned mini dress from Supre, smeared lipstick, broken kitten heels. Download: Don’t. Please. DISCLAIMER: Drugs r bad 4 u.

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I N T E R V I E W

The Gorilla Terran a.k.a. Super Gamer

JONOTHAN “JINRO” WALSH

ISSUE FIVE VERTIGO

EVER WANTED TO BECOME A PROFESSIONAL GAMER? WELL JONATHON “JINRO” WALSH IS LIVING THE DREAM. THE SWEDISH EX-PAT, LIVING IN KOREA, IS AMONG THE WORLD’S TOP 32 PLAYERS OF STARCRAFT II. MARY DAWSON CATCHES UP WITH HIM TO TALK ALL THINGS GEEKY. For those misguided souls that make the mistake of living in the real world, and who have absolutely no clue as to who or what I’m referring to, let me educate you: Jinro is a professional Starcraft II gamer who is currently living the dream in Korea as he competes for victory in the GSL (Global Starcraft II League). Starcraft is the real time strategy game developed by Blizzard Entertainment many aeons ago, that has gained such a huge following and popularity in Korea that its considered by some as their unofficial national sport. How would you describe yourself? A little bit obsessive. Whenever I get into something: [a] game, sport, hobby, I hate, hate, hate, HATE losing, so obviously I’m very competitive. Do you think you’re any different in person than when on TV? No, it’s more or less the same person. I’m generally pretty honest: there’s the obvious things like “I hate losing”. If I’m playing at home and I lose ten ladder games, I’ll be raging, but if I lose any foreign games on TV, generally I’ll be polite and won’t do anything. Even when I lost to anypro [a competing GSL player], I was cursing on TV, I still went up to him afterwards and shook his hand. That’s, I guess different, but it’s nothing I hide. Just basic manners. In general, I am what you see. What about some of the other players in GSL, such as MC or Idra? Idra and I aren’t that close, I mean, there is no bad blood between us. He’s nice in real life; a bit of a douche bag when he loses his games, but he’s nice when you just meet him in real life. He’s a bit funny about imbalance, he whines a lot about balance but he does it in a funny way when you meet him so you don’t mind so much. I will say that Chris (Huk) is very different from what people see him as. Like, he always gets so much shit after interviews for being arrogant/cocky but in reality he’s super hard working and the nicest guy you’ll find. Of course, most people know that MC and I are pretty close, and in case you were wondering – yes, he’s exactly the way he appears to be in his interviews. You can’t find someone with more confidence anywhere, and he’s also a pretty funny guy. What do you do with your spare time in Korea? Not that much. We try to go to the gym as often as we can, we go out every now and then but it’s not like we do anything super special. We just play. Been to some clubs, but no traditional sight seeing at all. What were the high and low points in the previous seasons of GSL? High point, I’d probably have to put beating Idra. It was a pretty important game, image wise... I would say

beating MC was great too, but there’s the taint of a team kill that makes it a little worse... Losing the semi-finals, and having to knock out two teammates to make it out of Ro32 [Round of 32] and Ro16 [Round of 16] would be the low points. Where do you see e-sports going in the future? For Starcraft II it’s pretty huge outside of Korea. Starcraft I is still the dominant force in Korea: all the big, big sponsors are still for Starcraft I. All the big, big name players, except for Boxer and Nada, are all still in Starcraft I. So Starcraft II is probably bigger outside Korea. The thing is, Korea still has the infrastructure and the experience to host big events, and it’s still far more professional than anything outside, and to do it on a regular basis... I think the non-Korean streams are very interesting, but right now I still prefer the Korean stream because of the way it’s structured. I prefer the centralised nature of Korean pro-gaming, which is only possible because Korea is such a small and central country. And it’s fine; everybody is playing, basically, from their home. Do you foresee more foreign players participating in the GSL in future? At the moment no. I think, for most people, the nonKorean scene is more lucrative, a bit easier. Not really easy, but the standard is so high here and overseas the talent is spread out, there’s not as much local competition. In Korea you have this one big league, and this huge centralisation of these really good players. What were the reactions of your friends and family when you moved to Korea for the GSL? They weren’t really surprised as I’ve been wanting to go since I was 13. Everyone was happy for me I think, and obviously they thought it was pretty cool! They’re happy that I’m doing what I want to do, that I’m living my dream. Any tips for budding bronze Terran players? Probably just play as much as you can. Probably just making SCV’s [Space Construction Vehicles]... In Starcraft there was always the basic tips, always make workers, make sure you have good macro, ‘cause that’s the biggest thing.

With the help of live broadcasting in English, Korea’s main Starcraft II tournament, the GSL, has begun to pick up a global audience of dedicated fans and with it we see a huge spike in the popularity of e-sports. For those interested in tuning in and learning more, there’s usually a tournament on every month and can be viewed live from Korea at GomTV.net.

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ISSUE FIVE VERTIGO

TRIVIAL DISPUTES

DOES USING EUROPEAN PHRASES WHILE YOU SPEAK ENGLISH MAKE YOU A WANKER? WELL, DOES IT? GEMMA KACZEREPA AND ANNA WATANABE FOUGHT IT OUT TO GIVE VERTIGO READERS A NOT-PARTICULARLY-DEFINITIVE ANSWER TO THIS IMPORTANT SOCIAL ISSUE.

FOR: Gemma Kaczerepa

AGAINST: Anna Watanabe

There’s a certain je ne sais quoi about people who feign multilingualism. A je ne sais quoi that makes me want to prise their soy chai lattes from their bony fingers, urinate in it and feed it to their bichon frise. And take note: that’s not bitch-on frizz, it’s bisjchongh frrweeeeez. Fuck me dead with a motherfucking jackhammer, aside from superfluous expletives, nothing gets up my goat more than those who believe that dropping in random words, sentences and – hell – entire monologues in Italian, Spanish, German and, the mother of all wanky languages, French, is a marker of cultural superiority. You’ll be casually chatting about, say, the weather, using words like ‘cold’, ‘warm’ and ‘ripper’ when suddenly your conversation counterpart claims the day is ‘bella’. Um, what? What kind of nutcase uses famous literary heroines to describe a common Wednesday? “Yes, it is quite Hermione,” you reply. Awkward. Research shows* that 94% of the time, these people only know common Australian. They never learnt another language during high school, instead picking up their limited knowledge of foreign languages reading menus in pretentious restaurants: they eat breh-zell, ng-y-ocki, zjhamon and kwassaun. What the hell are these things? Mon dieu, who knows? But they sure are giving Zjhozeph over there an ear-gasm. Now don’t get me wrong; I’m not hating on all language impostors. I’m just a little bit sick of all the usual suspects. Why is it that the romantic European languages are considered a cut above the rest? Why don’t people drop the odd word of Chinese, Zulu or Manx? Screw the guy who can whip out a “sexy” French accent, I’d screw the Celtic one that can tell me my hair is really gaelg mygeayrt-y-mooin.

Au contraire! Peppering the muchos boring English language with chutzpah-charged words isn’t wanky! If anything, it’s almost passé. Let’s not forget, hombres, that English is the bastard child of several European languages, anyway. Si, English has, over the years, developed its own je ne sais quoi – in the same way that overcooked greens, splodged on top of a soggy, pastry-entombed mystery meat, stewing in its own fats-plus-flour mixture, has an “intangible but distinctive quality”. But, what I’m saying is that English is kaput. ‘Stralyin English, even more so – our national jargon isn’t exactly the crème de la crème of English dialects. So, if the coltivato of English speaking world want to tszuj it up a bit, then all the power to them! Especially when there is a bonanza of words out there just waiting to be mangez-d up! After all, it’s not just the lexicon of other languages that make them sehr gut for conversation. For example, “Nein, das ist mein Hamburger!” has a far more authoritative tone than anything a solely English-speaking schmuck could come up with. “No, that is my hamburger”? Puh-lease. And what about at restaurants? No one wants to insult the garçon by mispronouncing important words like croissant (kwah-SAWn) and macchiato (mah-KYAH-toe). Oy vey! That’s embarrassing. Honestly, I think anti-languagefusion types (*cough Gemma “I-did-French-level-5-and-6” Kaczerepa cough*) are just jealous. Jealous that they can’t remember enough phrases from year 6 language class to make themselves sound tres chic. C’est la vie, I suppose. But there’s no reason to adopt this childish, Schadenfreude behaviour and stop the rest of us from expressing ourselves. Wake up and smell the fromage, people! Denying the call of Franglish, Engliano, Spanglish and Denglish is to deny the very building blocks this great nation was built on! Multiculturalism. And if “mi casa es su casa” then surely “mi stolen-mispronounced-and-poorlyexecuted-words es su stolen-mispronounced-and-poorlyexecuted-words”. ¿Comprende?

*Just don’t ask me to produce this “research”. Gemma Kaczerepa is a near-fluent French speaker who likes to hold incomprehensible conversations in pubs, an occasional soy chai latte-drinker and an unashamed hypocrite.

Anna Watanabe is a graduate of various European language schools, including primary school French, Year 7 Latin, one month in Germany and having a crush on an Italian guy.

NEXT ISSUE: SOMETHING GREAT THAT WE HAVEN’T THOUGHT OF YET

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Defamer ISSUE VERTIGO ISSUEFOUR ONE VERTIGO

the

MORE PLAUSIBLE THAN THE DA VINCI CODE’ SINCE 2010

Stefanovic reveals secret behind Gold Logie success ‘Voters thought they were voting me off the all Today Show’- ENTERTAINMENT page 30

Massive Cash Giveaway! In an unrelated newspaper

US announces it won’t release Bin Laden Death Photos. Will release animated feature film instead – World Affairs Liftout

Royal Wedding sparks dollar debate

Catherine has ‘coined’ the term “Her Royal Hotness”

Brett Watson Currency Expert and Seasonal Crocodile Breeder Kate Middleton’s rise to prominence as the potential future queen of the British Empire has stimulated unexpected and increasing support for an overhaul in the design of Australian currency. A grassroots movement, comprised mostly of men aged 18 to 40, is calling for the image of Queen Elizabeth II that

While theatres have changed, the winning formula hasn’t

Movie-Machine makes scripting debut Anna Watanabe Technology Editor and Half Machine Disney has released the first script to be written entirely by a machine, today. Called the Movie Machine, the robot creates whole scripts based solely on data collected from previous hit films. “We’ve discovered the formula for a blockbuster movie. Movie Machine has found that emotional insecurities, overcome by a ‘star-crossed lovers’ type romance, surrounded by inexplicable

currently features on all gold and silver coins and the $5 note, to be replaced by a full body shot of Kate Middleton. “The Queen’s had a pretty good run, but I really think it’s time for a younger, more contemporary and deadset smokin’ hot member of the royal family to stare up at us whenever we do our shopping,” said Justin Alexander, spokesperson for the Catherine Cash Collective. The campaign has received a significant funding boost in recent days, with Zoo Magazine pledging $20,000 to help convince Treasurer Wayne Swan to change our currency. “We’re all about providing a voice for the common bloke here at Zoo,” said editor Lewis Harrison. “And when Swanny does agree to put a picture of Kate on our coins, we’ve already got some seamlessly photoshopped topless photos of her that would be real crowd pleasers.” Followers of the Catherine Cash

Collective say that the overwhelming popularity of the royal wedding as a water cooler conversation topic proves that support for the monarchy is alive and well in Australia. Adopting Kate Middleton as soon as possible into our financial system, they say, is the best way to capitalise on this public sentiment. “Kate truly is the monarch for a new generation,” said Alexander. “And in the event we fail in getting Kate on our money, we’ll be happy to settle for her sister Pippa. Did you see her arse in that bridesmaid’s dress? Daaaaayyyyum.” A spokesman for the royal family, Percival Smythe, has offered the following statement: “The royal family does not endorse the image of any person other than Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II on Australian coins, although we do concede that Pippa’s arse is indeed quite splendid.”

explosions and mythical creatures is what movie goers want,” Disney spokesperson, Phil Mink, said. When asked whether the Movie Machine would discredit the future of film making, Mink replied: “Oh, no! We’re not looking for awards. We just want to make blockbusters. Obviously, an Academy Award winning script can’t be written by a robot…yet.” The Movie Machine’s first film is titled Vampire Pirates vs. Zombie Aliens in 3D and has asked that it directed by Zac Snyder,” The proposed script features a dark and brooding, though always drunk, hero – a fusion of much-discussed characters from Twilight and Pirates of the Caribbean. While requesting Snyder’s distinct, video-game-esque filming style, the Movie Machine has also borrowed the extreme meta-narrative plot line of Suckerpunch. “Without giving too much away, it’s about a Vampire Pirate, dreaming about fighting Zombie Aliens in space, while he’s in a coma in a prison hospital,”

“But the prison hospital is just a simulation, created by Iraqi scientists who are brainwashing the Vampire Piratewho’s, obviously, not really a Vampire or a Pirate, but a pro-surfer from Malibu- to become a super spy,” explained Snyder in an exclusive interview with Defamer. A cast list is yet to be released, however, it is rumoured that John Leguizamo (Malcolm in the Middle), Tom Welling (Smallville), Cher (Burlesque) and Megan Fox (Transformers) have been contacted.

INSIDE The Biggest Loser to be filmed in 3D: Record diet success expected from loss of appetite- TV Liftout NSW Labor fails to field Parliamentary Oztag Team for first time: Lack of sitting MPs continues to pose challenges- STATE POLITICS page 11 State of Origin promises to again live up to expectations: Will be over-hyped, one-sided and instantly forgettableSPORT page 62

UTSdefamer Thrills and Glamour at Local Journalism Awards Brett Watson Urban Affairs Editor and Self-Styled Professional Wine Taster The inaugural awards night for journalists working at local newspapers, held overnight, has been proclaimed as a terrific success. Several awards, affectionately dubbed by those in the industry as ‘the Copperfields’, were handed out to journalists in recognition of their outstanding efforts over the past year to produce something out of nothing. “Making mundane events in the local community appear as though they are groundbreaking is a task that requires a tremendous amount of skill and effort, so I am immensely pleased that our journalists are finally being recognised for their work,” said editor of the Hills Shire Times Kathryn Stevenson. The top gong for “Mildly Interesting News Item” was awarded to Helen Wells

Muppets- cute, fluffy, dystopian

P is for ‘Psychoanalyse’ Kieran Boyd  New York Correspondent known better as Children’s TV Entertainer ‘Zorbo the Clown’ A graduate student of UTS has released a scandalous report that labels the popular children’s show, Sesame Street, unsuitable for viewing by younger audiences due to “an abundance of unreasonably psychotic caricatures,”. The recent statement by 2nd year student Cooper Yoong, who is studying for a Graduate Certificate in Child and Adolescent Mental Health Care, has shocked the UTS board, owing mainly to their disbelief that UTS even ran a psychology unit. Yoong’s report received poor reviews, originally from his lecturer and now

of the Illawarra Mercury for her coverage of ‘Cuppagate’ – a devastating expose into the rising prices of cups of tea and lamingtons at monthly Rotary functions over the past five years. The Copperfield for ‘Feature Article on Random Local’ went to Peter Martin of the Blacktown Sun for his spellbinding account of the life of some old woman that feeds ducks at the pond. “I’d like to dedicate this Copperfield to the hoards of unpaid student journalists who prop up our low budget operation,” Martin said when receiving his award. “Their willingness to work without pay for years in order to secure a job that pays less than the minimum wage never ceases to amaze me.” The Copperfield for ‘Sports Article on Teenage Athlete Who Has a Small Chance of Being Famous One Day’ went to Eloise Dymock of The Manly Daily and the award for ‘News Item Describing Outrage of a Small Group of Locals Towards a Council Proposal’ was awarded to Paul Butcher of The Parramatta Advertiser. The publicly voted ‘People’s Choice

Award for Cutest Photograph of Child That Appears on the Front Page For No Apparent Reason’ was a tight contest that eventually saw Claire Webster’s shot of a five year old boy dressed as Harry Potter on the cover of the Northern District Times claiming victory. The glitzy ceremony at Lane Cove Community Hall saw many journalists from local council districts across Sydney sharing stories from the field and microwaved party pies. Things got a lot rowdier when the after party got into full swing and the orange cordial flowed freely. The Copperfield’s also allowed longtime fans of their local paper to mingle with the stars of the industry. A bumper crowd of nine grandmas packed into the venue to show their appreciation. “My local paper is just terrific, I couldn’t do without it,” said Beverley O’Grady. “It lines my bird cage, mulches the garden, provides Pizza Hut coupons...the list goes on! There’s even something worth reading every few months.”

from outraged parents, regarding the assignment he published on UTS Online. In it, he quotes a web journal by confidently brandling the television series “little more than a Crayola colored version of ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest’ with its zoo of disturbed inhabitants.” “Most recognisably, there is The Count, who suffers from one of the worst cases of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder since Dustin Hoffman’s character in Rain Man. But there are other examples of psychological disorders that prove Jim Henson was smoking some weird stuff when he imagined these demented muppets,” Yoong said. In his report, the amateur psychoanalyst identified the stereotyping of ‘Grouch’ as a homeless person. “The neglect demonstrated by the callous inhabitants of Sesame Street promotes to young viewers a disregard for those living rough on the streets. I mean, not giving money to guy at Town Hall who just plays music from a speaker is understandable. But repetitive namecalling and blatant aggression? Australia says no.” On a positive note, Yoong did comment on the recent change for the character of the Cookie Monster, whose diet was amended by the show’s writers when his beloved cookies

became a ‘sometimes food’. However, this modification did not mask Cookie Monster’s “evident” eating disorder, and according to Yoong was insufficient in teaching children about the dangers of overeating and obesity, particularly in “lard-arsed” countries such as Australia. Yoong has also dismissed the argument that the cartoonish, inhumanity of the muppets dilutes their mental difficulties. “The fact that he’s covered in fur makes Grover’s anxiety attacks no less real. You can’t simply ignore the spin-off movie in which Elmo has a schizophrenic episode and travels to the fantastic Grouchland, however terrible it may or may not have been.” Interestingly, classmate Libby Lyons has attempted to explain Yoong’s scathing review, and his preoccupation with a television show whose audience is typically under-6’s. “I subscribe to the theory that Cooper’s fascination with youth programming stems from a troubled childhood; there are definite unresolved, psychological, parenting issues at play here.” In return, Yoong commented: “I subscribe to the theory that Libby is a stupid git, and so does my mother.” Sesame Workshop is yet to respond to Yoong’s claims, and media experts doubt they will.

defamerCULTURE

defamer ADVICE...

In the first part of a special two-part series, Defamer’s Resident therapist Mike Bebernes takes readers on a trip inside, outside, downside, upside and around the bedroom.

The disturbing green patch in question

Mysterious Growth Concerns Students Anna Watanabe The only applicant for our ‘Grass Affairs Reporter’ job

A large, green and brown growth has appeared between the Tower and Building 4, leaving staff and students baffled. Covering over 40 square meters, the green patch was first sighted after construction work in the same area was completed. Grant Urf is a science student and regularly passes the area when moving between lectures and practical classes. “I don’t get it. I mean, it looks kinda like the Astroturf at the driving range. Except, it doesn’t massage my feet when I walk on it. All the rain has made it really muddy and gross.” Various tests have been conducted on the material in an attempt to discover exactly what it is. So far, researchers have concluded that it is a carbonbased life form, with a high water and fibre content. Prof. Augustine Buffalo of the UTS Growth Monitor Squad has discovered that denying the area access to

sunlight appears to be the most effective way of removing it. “We’ve never seen anything like this at UTS so we’re, frankly, all a little stumped.“ “By creating some sort of shield on the top of the Tower, we’re hoping to block out the sunlight and remove it for good. That way we can go back what we’re used to: steel and concrete, lit with garish lighting so it looks more exciting than it really is.“ But as to what the substance is, Prof. Buffalo and her team are no closer to the solution. “We’ve seen similar outbreaks at the University of Sydney and UNSW. When we asked what it was, they claimed it was grass. But that’s crazy. I mean, we don’t have grass at UTS.”

It’s a question as old as time. Throughout history man has tried to tame the unpredictable discontents of the fickle clitorati. Countless relationships have failed because, despite complete compatibility in every other aspect, the sex looked like failed attempt at breakdancing. No level of charm, intelligence, money, humor, popping OR locking can overcome a lack of ability in the bedroom. Plato said, “He who can not hump, is in fact a chump.” The fact of the matter is that most men have no idea what they’re gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside her trunk. So here is an easy to follow, easy to implement list of considerations to use so you may become a black belt in Mixed Marital Arts: 1. Location, Location, Location: It’s the rule in real estate and in real intercourse. The right place can turn just any old escrow into a million dollar fisting. The wrong setting can make even the most excited girl freeze up like a lost Everest climber. Your place should be exotic, yet approachable; wild, yet comfortable; intense, yet under control. I am of course describing the Disneyland Jungle Cruise. Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride is an acceptable alternative if lines are too long. 2. Role Play: Let’s face it: being yourself isn’t getting her off so you might as well try it as someone else. There are the classics (police officer, doctor, teacher), but those clichés are unlikely to surprise and excite your lady. Get original - blow her mind. Try being a sanitation worker who asks if she would like her trash compacted

or a Liberal MP bent on destroying his career. Maybe try dressing up as one of her old boyfriends who could make her orgasm. If you want to get really crazy, crank up some Pet Sounds and play Phillip’s family reunion. 3. Know your woman: Go through your girl’s history to find out what makes her scream. Contact her all of her old lovers to get their input. You can do this individually, or get them all together for a fun group conference. You won’t believe the look of surprise on her face when you whip out her high school boyfriend Grant’s signature “Thumb Blitzkrieg”. 4. Get Creative: It’s impossible to get excited about someone who does the same exact thing over and over for years without ever doing anything original. It should be called “O-missionary” because it’s the quickest way to get you left out. You’ve got to try new positions to add some spice to the bedroom. (Also, try literally adding some spice to the bedroom - they don’t call it ‘Cumin’ for nothing). Try something different, whatever kama suits-ya. Give her a yogasm. Have sex like you’re in the Matrix (remember: there is no poon). Some other positions to try are the Emancipation Proclamation, The Sermon on the Mounted, The Obama (requires her to have strong arms), the Harry Potter and the Order of the Penis, or my personal favourite, Chomsky’s Manufacturing Cum-scent. Keen for more wisdom? Check out Defamer Issue Six, due out next semester.

S H O W C A S E

ISSUE FIVE VERTIGO

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WARWICK

LEVY

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............................................................................................................................ LONELY KIDS CLUB

............................................................................................................................ Hey Warwick. So word on the street is that you’ve founded a T-shirt Label.

Yeah! Initially it started around this time last year with my friend Jasmin, as we were the only single people in our group. So we formed our own little group called Lonely Kids Club and around this time I was also realising I didn’t want to work in construction, and I’d been boxing myself into this profession i had no interest in; and also at the same time i’d heard about courses in designing your own t-shirts. So I dropped out and turned this joke about being single into a fully-fledged t-shirt label.

PYRAMID

I was never very good at doing assignments on time, or ever doing much work really. I remember studying Egypt and realising the night before something was due I had nothing ready for it so I went and found a pyramid my sister made for her studies 5 years earlier and re-submitted that in. This would have gone well had I actually checked what was inside the pyramid. Unfortunately I didn’t. Upon opening it, my teacher was surprised to find a second assignment inside under my sister’s name.

So it birthed as quite a personal project. Do you think that’s been conveyed into the t-shirts themselves?

Well Jasmin and I had this pact to marry 45, and that’s gone into the t-shirts because we’re printing 45 of each one. But that’s also because we’re opposed to massproduced clothing. Clothing used to be personal, and clothing used to be an expression, and so we’re printing t-shirts in small quantities so it stays personal for each person that has one. What did you look for in designs?

Well I was seeing in t-shirts the same overused designs and the same oblivious typeface, which is boring, and which is trendy. Instead I find artwork that i genuinely like and I genuinely want to wear, and i print it. I spend a lot of time on each one, but I’m looking for something that has an expression; when I wear a t-shirt I want an expression of how i’m feeling at the time. I find it interesting that art can be typified as something on a frame in a gallery, and this project lets the art become personal in that it represents you.

I think t-shirts cross the border between art and fashion, it’s wearable art, and it turns art into reflection about how you’re feeling. And we had print each one in sydney and use watercolour, so it feels nice. It doesn’t feel like those printed photos. I want it to feel like someone drew it for you. And is there a next step for Lonely Kids Club?

COME HOME

When I was in Year 12 we were studying metaphors prevalent in this book about a survivor. One of them was about the vandalised tombstones she observed. I had to memorise this line for a speech I was doing with another student for one of the assessments. I went through it in my head over and over then we finally walked up in front of the class and all I could think about was a girl I was obsessed with at the time so I just stood there staring blankly then did an awkward laugh. That was the lowest mark I got for any English assessment.

When I first launched I didn’t have any interest in expanding above selling online, but from showing the designs to people the general consensus is that they belong in boutiques, and I’ve realised they’re really well-suited to that environment. I’m planning on approaching quite a few boutiques soon, but I’ll be keeping the numbers for each shirt small. http://www.lonelykidsclub.com/

JUSTIN WOLFERS

. 17 .

ISSUE FIVE VERTIGO

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MATTHEW

FRASER THE PEDESTRIAN

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S H O W C A S E

Evander knew that he had only a few minutes before the police would arrive. Double check, didn’t leave anything? Everything in that terrible excuse for an apartment was accounted for. Nothing out of place, save for the screams that made their way across the hall a few minutes ago, under the door of another apartment, into the ears of a neighbour and relayed down the phone to the emergency services. The room smelled of death now, so Evander opened the door, knowing that urbanites wouldn’t guard the escape route like those in his home town. He meandered down the stairs as if he were a slinky pushed by a child. He removed his black gloves and put them in his pockets. The lobby doors opened as he exited the staircase. Evander stepped outside into the world of opportunity; left, right, forward, back, up, down, above, below – all equally plausible for anybody pursuing him. He had a blank cheque for escape. Evander decided left. It was as good an idea as any. Any route would get you out of the city eventually, and he didn’t know if he even wanted to leave yet. Months in the city had passed like minutes compared to the farm, or maybe it was just the farm that was slow. But anyway, left. Left, like right, took Evander along a street called Cornwall Street. There were ritzy apartments and offices, painted to look exactly unlike the sky. Birds still crashed into them, though. While not a busy street by city standards, people came towards Evander like water from a high pressure hose. He remembered a day back home where Mack, one of the most respected patriarchs in the town, was almost stabbed in the middle of the pavement by the milk-shop owner’s son. And this was on a silent street. If an attack like that happened so easily in such a small town, what happened in streets where humans are not scarce? Evander had nothing to worry about from the police. Safety in numbers. Urban anonymity. Left meant cracked pavements, mold covered walls and institutionalised trees in small plots of nature surrounded by dog shit. A siren wailed in the distance. In a reflex, Evander quickened his step, until he remembered that, here, sirens are perpetual. It could be halfway across town, running to the aid of a cat stuck in a tree, or an old lady whose kettle didn’t work and thought that the best idea was to call the fire department. Evander decided that left was no longer desirable after a few minutes and turned right off of

Cornwall Street. This new road was called Gray Street. It was a derelict connecting street with a couple of shops and a beggar and nothing much else. The sirens were close now. Now, Evander knew they were for him, but all he needed to do was walk and walk aimlessly. His face did not appear on a security camera and his demeanour did not imply guilt. He did not match the profile which the police would look for. He was assured freedom if he made no conscious decisions. It was time to see where the city took him. Evander ended up at the end of Gray Street around the time the police would have found the body. He kept the knife with him, so it didn’t wander out of his control and spill its secrets. Across the road from where Evander stood was the monorail. His impulse took over and he climbed the stairs which lead to the station. He paid for a day pass, as it had only just gone noon. He walked out onto the platform and sat down. The chair looked plucked from a science fiction film, except it was not pristine, but damaged with the grime which comes with existing in reality. The station was shaped like a tube cut at both ends. One exit and one entrance. One way. One possible, predictable movement. This was not good. The first error and not even an hour had passed. He noticed the mother that sat near him. She was holding a misbehaving child on her lap and smiling at him. Evander ignored her. He was only twenty-eight. He wasn’t old enough to go after single mothers yet. The monorail slid into the tube and stopped. The doors crunched open and people streamed out. Suits, bogans, seniors, teenagers. Once the cavalcade disappeared, Evander took a seat next to a sleeping business man and tried to decide whether the guy was just over-worked or if he had been up all night with his mistress instead. The rest of the story will be serialised at http://pedestrianstory.tumblr.com/

. 19 .

ISSUE FIVE VERTIGO

ROM FT F NTO E L ER TI PAP RAM I ST BIN… Y S TO RE EA E GR T WANTTHE NEA H T UP IGH TO OLD YOU M HAN IN ALE. F U T T YO IPS IME ND CH RATHER A FISHY T T NEX FISH A L TANK TELLS R K YOU PETRO PATRIC R YOU EN FITZ R U LA

Car exhaust has never smelt so delicious. 24-year-old Sydneysider, Bob Miles, drives a white 2001 Land Rover – but this isn’t your average car. That’s because it’s fully powered by fish n’ chips. Or rather, vegetable oil from a nearby take-away store. And it’s taking Bob and three of his mates a very long way. The murky brown waste oil and fat swishing around inside the two plastic cylinders on the back of the 4WD is fuelling a trip tens of thousands of kilometres long - all the way from Australia to Norway. Bob, a Sydney Uni and Knox Grammar graduate, and his pals Chuck Anderson, Osca Papit and Justin Hancock, are about to embark on a six month, 50 000 kilometre journey called the Green Way Up. The four Sydney boys will sail along Australia’s highways and through 29 European countries without stopping at a single petrol station. Instead they’ll be filling up at restaurants around the world – and not just their bellies. ‘‘ “A lot of people go ‘shit yeah, come on in’,” says Bob, the mastermind of the project. “We were in Lithgow the other day. We went into this bloke’s fish and chip shop and he had 150 litres of waste oil sitting out the back.

“That would get us to Brisbane. It would get us a bloody long way.” The processor on the back of Bob’s car turns vegetable oil into biodiesel, which can be used as fuel in any diesel engine. Biodiesel is a renewable fuel that can be made from any plant- or animal-based product. It’s biodegradable and nontoxic. Renewable fuels have always been in the background. A diesel engine running on peanut oil was shown at the Paris Expo in 1900. Two years later, Rudolph Diesel said: “The use of vegetable oils for engine fuels may seem insignificant today, but such oils may become, in the course of time, as important as petroleum and the coal-tar products of the present time.” He was right. The transport industry produced 14 per cent of greenhouse gases in Australia in 2010, according to a report from the Federal Government. And a recent CSIRO report found that replacing base diesel with biodiesel from used cooking oil reduced carbon dioxide emissions by 87 per cent. Bob Miles and his band of friends are trying to inspire others to consider biofuels as a viable alternative to the world’s finite oil supplies.

ISSUE FIVE VERTIGO

It all started with wanting to travel.

Theo Hlorotiris, owner of Glebe restaurant Fish on Fire, says the home brewers aren’t the only people who reap the benefits of biodiesel.

“I was speaking to a bloke from Nepal who said that I might really struggle to find petrol in Nepal because they’re experiencing huge shortages,” says Bob, hands on hips, admiring his biodiesel processor.

“My old vegetable oil is waste and basically useless. Obviously if someone can take it off my hands for free and use it for something worthwhile then it’s a benefit.”

“He told me there would be a line of cars around the corner from a petrol station waiting for two weeks for the oil tanker to arrive. That was the seed, I suppose.” Bob studied a Bachelor of Aeronautical Engineering at the University of Sydney for four years. After graduating, he only lasted eight months at a desk job.

“I needed something much more results-driven and practical. I needed to get my hands dirty.”

In January 2010 the Australian Bureau of Statistics found that 51 per cent of Australian households recycled or reused kitchen or food waste such as vegetable oil.

His old school mate Chuck Anderson, a welder, seemed like the perfect person to get in touch with. Bob had met Osca, a banker, on a University of Sydney Ski Society trip, and Justin, a DJ, was a friend of Osca’s.

Instead of pouring it down the drain, this waste oil could actually fuel Sydneysiders’ daily commute to work.

“It was horrible, I was just sitting in front of a computer all day,” he says, laughing.

“It’s a bunch of different personalities who don’t really know each other,” says Bob. Eighteen months down the track, the Green Way Up guys are making their final preparations before starting the drive in mid June. The trip will take them from Tasmania’s South East Cape to the top of Norway, fuelled completely on biodiesel. The team will also be travelling on a homemade aluminum boat running on biodiesel across the Bass Strait, and later from Darwin to Singapore. “Fish and chips stores in south-east Asia, street side stands, who knows where it’s going to be,” says teammember Justin. That’s all part of the challenge.

Bob’s part of a growing movement of biodiesel home brewers. He learnt everything about it off the Internet. “I hate the stuff. I mean look at me, I’m always filthy,” he says jokingly, wiping his hands on his Green Way Up T-shirt. “But then I think, well shit, I can drive across the world without filling up at a single petrol station,” Bob says, his face lighting up.

“MCDONALD’S HAVE AGREED TO GIVE US THEIR IN WASTE OIL, SO AT LEASTHIN ’. UG LA ’RE WE LIA AUSTRA ND OU AR THERE’S A MACCA’S ’LL BE EVERY CORNER, SO WE FINE!” SAYS BOB.

ISSUE FIVE VERTIGO

According to a new study by the NRMA, motorists could see their annual fuel bill jump by more than $2000, as tensions in the Middle East force petrol prices towards $2 a litre. But Paul Martin, owner of biodiesel consultancy firm Grown Fuel and founder of the Biodiesel Association of Australia, has only spent $132 on fossil diesel since the year 2000. But he says more needs to be done to wean people off petrol. “Essentially within Australia we are rich by world standards, so when the fuel goes up it is only a small part of our weekly expenditure,” says Paul. “How expensive does it have to get before it becomes too expensive and we are compelled to find other ways of moving around?” But Bob reckons Australians won’t be so quick to jump on the biodiesel bandwagon. He believes the Federal Government needs to provide incentives to sell the renewable fuels industry to the rest of Australia. “Biodiesel struggles because it’s something different and people hate change,” he says. Currently, petrol, diesel, biodiesel and ethanol are taxed at a general rate of 38.143 cents per litre. Under federal laws, even backyard producers must pay $1400 for a test to ensure that every biodiesel batch meets Australian standards. “The government doesn’t give biodiesel a break really, they still tax it like a normal fuel,” says Bob. And Paul Martin agrees. “Big users of fuel such as the government should make it a pre-requisite for getting government contracts. What are you doing to reduce your emissions? Nothing or something?” he says. “When the customer insists that this is what they want, they end up getting it.” Large organisations are also taking action in order to get individuals thinking about oil in the future. The US Navy is aiming to derive 50 per cent of its current oil consumption from renewables by 2020. The NSW Government introduced the nation’s first biofuels mandate in July 2007 to regulate the blending of all diesel fuel mixed with two per cent biodiesel. At the end of last year, the biodiesel and ethanol mandate had replaced around 320 million litres of imported petrol with local biofuel. This pumped $220 million back into the pockets of farmers, regional workers and their communities and increased job opportunities.

But Jill Finnane, the Eco-Justice Program Coordinator at the Edmund Rice Centre, says biodiesel only generates benefits on a small scale. “If poor communities in poor countries are using their land and water that should be growing food to grow crops so that people in rich countries can run their cars, there are big issues concerning justice,” she says. “The industrialisation of biofuel is where the problems lie and it is up to the Green Way Up team to make the distinction between large and small scale biodiesel.” Bob insists that the aim of the Green Way Up is to create conversation about sustainability.

“WE ARE GEN Y AND WE ARE SO SICK OF PEOPLE RAMMING AN IDEA DOWN OUR THROATS, TELLING US THAT IF YOU DON’T DO THIS YOU ARE BAD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.”

But Jill says that problems lie within biodiesel feedstock, including soybeans, cottonseed, and sunflowers. “Water is scarce and a huge amount of water is used to grow these crops,” she says. “We need to walk, cycle and use public transport before we continue life as usual with biodiesel.” She believes land that can be used for growing food is also very scarce, and needs to be used for food. “There are crops such as jatropha that are being planted, and the problem is that if the biodiesel market falls, you cannot sell the jatropha because it can’t be eaten by animals or humans,” she says. “For a biofuel system to be producing energy in a sustainable way, it should not compete with food supply.” Paul Martin disagrees with the food versus fuel debate. “The amount of food … corn, canola, and sunflower predominantly, that is used in biofuel production is around two to three per cent of world food in terms of edible grain production, whereas cattle feeds consumes 50 per cent of the food that we grow around the world,” he says. “If people are serious about not adopting a product because of scarcity of food, they should go vegan.” Debate and action is what the Green Way Up guys want. They want to be challenged and questioned. “But you know what? I’m confident that if we make a good batch of brew, a good batch of biodiesel,” Bob says. “We’ll be right.”

ISSUE FOUR VERTIGO

ADVOCACY SERVICE DO YOU NEED HELP WITH... EXCLUSION AND ACADEMIC CAUTION - Have you been excluded? - Have you been put on academic caution?

KNOWING YOUR RIGHTS - Pick up an Information Sheet from the Students’

STUDENT ADMINISTRATION

ACADEMIC MISCONDUCT

- Problems with Faculty or Student Centre administration?

- Plagiarism - Formal or Faculty Exams and Essays

TENANCY PROBLEMS OR GENERAL LEGAL PROBLEMS

ASSESSMENT REVIEWS APPEAL

- If we can’t help we can refer you to someone who can

- Do you want to review an assessment item or request a resubmission or a remarking? - Do you want to appeal your final

. 23 .

A TRAVELER’S GUIDE TO A WHITE CHRISTMAS COURTNEY ROGERS SPENT CHRISTMAS IN NEW YORK AND DID HER UTMOST TO MAKE IT A FANTASYLAND. SO HOW DO YOU RECREATE IT THIS WINTER FOR A CHRISTMAS IN JULY? New York, New York. A city crowded with transplants and dreamers. A city that holds the image of the traditional White Christmas, a must-do on many people’s bucket lists. Last year I abandoned the comforts of my Australian Christmas - beach with the family, leftovers for dinner, isolating myself with my new Christmas goodies - in favour of a new experience: to glance out my window otn Christmas Eve and see that first snowflake fall. However, it was whilst drinking from elongated glasses in some corner pub in the West Village that my dream was shattered. Our New York friend listened intently to my reasons for venturing abroad. He sipped and smirked, “it hardly ever snows on Christmas here.” Vanished were my hopes of snow angels in Central Park and trudging through that winter wonderland, gazing at Christmas lights and watching children being pulled in sleds wearing oversized North Face coats and wonderfully woolen mittens. I was so close to praying for my own Miracle on 34th Street. Hollywood - you got me, again. So, when you find that you’re in New York during the festive season – or indeed in old Sydney town during the winter break – my guide below will lead you to the perfect White Christmas, when indeed the white is absent. There are three essential rules to Christmas: First of all, you need presents. An excessive amount of gorgeously wrapped presents. What’s inside doesn’t really count - you could fill a box from when you had to purchase snow-worthy boots and fill it with books, tissue paper and forgotten bottle caps from the night before - as long as they look the part.

2 3

Secondly, a Christmas tree and Christmas paraphernalia. The option of purchasing real pines is on every street corner and fake trees are sold in your local Target. But, because it’s a la America, REAL is the way to go. They cost around the same as fake and they infest your living room with that pine forest smell - the delicious kind, not the kind that’s dangling from your dad’s rear view mirror. Thirdly, family. It goes without saying that Christmas time is also family time, and when away from home, surround yourself with known and unknown faces.

You’ll find that rather than trying to project the perfect American Christmas, you’ll want to create something more unique to share for when you return home. Our Christmas was a fusion of family traditions, plus a little extra tacky Americana. A dish was prepared by each member of our Perk Slerp* family, including a tofurkey that tasted oddly like chicken. Kitsch family portraits were taken around our real Christmas tree, wearing Jewel Sweaters, bought from Monk in Williamsburg - the perfect picture to send back home as your personalised electronic Christmas card. Polish Vodka shots, Brooklyn Lager, Margarita mix, YouTube, Skype, domestics in the bathroom and Wham’s ‘Last Christmas’. And to achieve that definite ‘white’ Christmas, blow is optional. *Perk Slerp - Park Slope (town in Brooklyn), spoken with a curl in your tongue and an upward inflection.

. 25 .

FOOD

EXAM FOODS

Exams are fast approaching and assignment deadlines are looming. So Vertigo has the perfect recipes to get you through crunch time safe, sound and satiated.

VEGETABLE SOUP

Freeze the leftovers for nights when cooking is the last thing on your study agenda. Makes a lot

1 TBSP olive oil 4 cloves of garlic, crushed 1 carrot, sliced 1 parsnip, sliced 1 swede, peeled and cubed

500g butternut pumpkin, peeled and cubed Half a bunch of celery, including the leaves, chopped 1 litre of vegetable stock Salt and pepper

1.In a large heavy-based pot, heat the olive oil. Once hot, add the garlic and fry until fragrant. 2.Add all the vegetables and the stock and bring to the boil. 3.Reduce to a simmer and leave, covered, for 20-30 minutes or until the vegetables are cooked through. 4.Season to taste.

TRIPLE CHOCOLATE BROWNIES

Ideal for those seeking instant comfort while on the path to failure.

Makes 16 pieces 200g dark chocolate, chopped 200g unsalted butter, cubed ¾ cup brown sugar 3 eggs, whisked

100g milk choc bits 100g white choc bits ¾ cup plain flour

1.Preheat oven to 170C. Line an 18cm square cake tin with non-stick baking paper. 2.Place the chocolate and butter in a medium microwave-safe bowl. Microwave on medium/50% power, stirring every minute, for 1-2 minutes until melted. Set aside to cool slightly. 3.Add the sugar and eggs to the chocolate mixture and mix until combined. Stir in the choc bits and flour until well combined. Pour into the pan. 4.Bake for 25 minutes or until crumbs cling to a skewer when inserted. Set aside to cool completely.

STRAWBERRY MUFFINS

Perfect for that shit-I-pressed-snooze-way-too-many-times-and-am-now-already-late-to-my-9amexam breakfast on the go. Makes 12

3 cups plain flour 1/2 cup raw sugar 1/2 cup brown sugar 1 TBSP baking powder 1 tsp ground cinnamon

125g butter, melted and cooled slightly 3 eggs 1 cup milk 1 1/2 cups chopped strawberries

1. Preheat oven to 200C and grease a 12-cup muffin tin. 2. In a large bowl, mix together the flour, sugars, baking powder and cinnamon. 3. In a separate bowl mix together the butter, eggs and milk. 4. Add to the dry ingredients and then fold in the berries. When making muffins it’s important not to over mix the batter. You don’t want the wet and dry ingredients to be completely mixed in lumps of flour are a good sign. Don’t be scared. 5. Spoon the batter into the tin and bake for 20 minutes.

AFFOGATO

Great when you need to pull a last-minute all nighter. Makes 1

1 scoop of ice cream (almost any flavour works well) 1 30ml shot of espresso coffee 1.Place the scoop of ice cream into a serving glass. 2.Top with the hot coffee. 3.Repeat throughout the night.

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WORDS: GEMMA KACZEREPA

WORDS: CARLA EFSTRATIOU

BLOGANISTAS

FASHION

You’re not cool unless you read fashion blogs, ok? So stop being a loser and start clicking! Here are some of UTS students’ best works.

VAN WHO?

If you’re a sucker for the Russian Revolution - and let’s not deny it, who isn’t? - check out Annabelle van Amerogen’s sartorial journey through history. As a final year UTS fashion major, Van Who? takes the reader through the triumphs, tears and tribulations of the life of a design student on the verge of graduation.

WWW.BELLEVANAMERONGEN.BLOGSPOT.COM

FASHION TRIBUNE

Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Anna Crysell has just kicked off her fashion news blog and it’s got style written all over it. Alright, I admit it, it was Anna’s major feature on the brand ACNE (not the pubescent dermatological condition) that instantly attracted me. This girl’s got style.

WWW.FASHIONTRIBUNE.BLOGSPOT.COM

MARY AND ME BLOG

When I first laid eyes on Lara Drew’s blog, I was intimidated. Shit man, this chick’s pro. Maybe it’s the fact that she writes for the cute boutique Mary and Me, but I think it’s more that her coverage of Fashion Week from the sidelines of the catwalk rivaled that of Vogue.

WWW.MARYANDME.COM.AU/BLOGRETRIEVE. ASPX?BLOGID=4411

A DOOLITTLE CALLED ELIZA

Most of you fashion fiends would have heard of 2threadsone of Australia’s original fashion blogs. Eliza Sevitt has just become one of the brains behind that impressive fashion portal and her personal blog shows why. Having a backstage pass at Fashion Week is like having the golden ticket. Eliza used it to her full advantage and conveyed the experience perfectly through her blog.

WWW.ADOOLITTLECALLEDELIZA.TUMBLR.COM

THE STYLE HACK

Move over Sartorialist, The Style Hack is next big thing in street photography… well in Sydney anyway. With an eye for the hottest stylistas walking right next to you, Elle combines her love for investigative journalism and design, giving birth to a truly addictive blog.

WWW.THESTYLEHACK.COM

UTS WRITER’S ANTHOLOGY 2011:

THE STORIES YOU CHOOSE AND THAT CHOOSE YOU Unlike us in the teak-panelled offices of Vertigo, the editors of the annual UTS Writers’ Anthology know the meaning of a hard year’s work. With that in mind we left Jason Childs, one of the editors of this year’s Anthology, to interview himself. Days later and kilos lighter, he emerged from a log cabin and handed us the following. It details the pain and passion that go into making the most respected student anthology in the country… Vertigo: Jason! Great to see you. Gee you’re looking swell! Here, have a mocktail. Jason: Thanks! [Sips.] Wow—this thing’s fruity flavour is all the buzz you need!

Sounds a little like making a mixtape for someone you like! I couldn’t have put it better myself.

Now tell us about this year’s anthology. Title, key stats, who’s behind it, and so on. It’s called The Life You Chose and That Chose You, a title inspired by a Robert Hass poem. It’s 300 pages long and contains 35 sparkling pieces of writing by literary geniuses here at UTS, edited lovingly by, in alphabetical order, Kate Butler, Kit Catstairs, me, Kate Laidley, Steph King, Maggie Korenblium, Sophie Roberts, and Jacqui Wise. With advice and support from the wise and helpful duo of Debra Adelaide and Delia Falconer. From memory, the thing’s dimensions are 210x136x24mm, which is book-size. Its handsome front cover was designed by Xou Creative. And it’ll soon be available in fine bookstores everywhere! That’s a sizeable production team. Sounds like making an anthology is a tricky business. What would you say was the toughest aspect of the job? Without doubt the selection process. We received a little over 300 submissions back in November last year, and were only able to print roughly 10% of them, so going through a succession of shorter and shorter lists involved lots of heartache, headaches, late nights and clawing at one another’s eyes for us editors. Thankfully, though, it’s also the process’s greatest pleasure. Because while you’re going through the agony of ruling out lots of great stories, you’re also assembling a list of really strong, really exciting stuff to go into the book.

What makes this year’s anthology stand out? So many people pass through UTS, from so many walks of life, with such a diversity of tastes and styles, that the book can’t help but reinvent itself each time around. This year’s is the twenty-fifth of its kind, which is pretty significant— that’s 25 years of publishing original work by emerging writers in a literary environment that, to emerging writers, can often seem brutal and daunting. We’ve also got a pretty exciting foreword writer. Her name’s Amelia Lester, and apart from being a great person, she’s the 20-something managing editor of a little magazine known as The New Yorker. [Finishes his mocktail with a slurp.] Ooh! And what kind of reading can the punter expect in forking out hard-earned dollars for this thing? Everything! Fiction, non-fiction, poetry—a fair bit of poetry made the cut this year, which is a good thing. The book is overflowing with wit and wisdom, sex and violence, blaring weirdness and quiet psychosis. You’ll be surprised to see what’s swirling around in your fellow students’ brains. I really can’t recommend highly enough that you and your readers pick up a copy. And/or submit to it this year. And/or heck, apply to edit it, because that’s a fun job too! The Life You Chose and That Chose You launches at the Sydney Writers’ Festival on the 20th of May and at Gleebooks 3rd of June.

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ISSUE FIVE VERTIGO

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FEATURED REVIEW WORDS: STEPHANIE KING AND JULIAN DIBLEY-HALL

BLUESFEST 2011

Wolfmother rock the Mojo stage - Photographer: Stephanie King

It’s like some chess-playing dude had the notion of ordering his lackey to slap some meat between two slices of bread and call it a sandwich. Or some cordialaffected seven-year-old ransacked a celebrity chef’s pantry, chucked it all in a pot, called it pie. The dudekid being festival director, Peter Noble. The meat, Bob Dylan. Bluesfest 2011, the pie. The mudpie.

the man on stage. The chili in the mix came from fiery duo, Rodrigo y Gabriela, who burned through a blistering set of rock epics--Metallica included--on nothing but two classical guitars. The crowd kept attempting to dance, yet failed, all eyes transfixed by the blur of finger-fury magnified on the big screens.

To describe the resultant flavour of such an inspired commingling of ingredients would be impossible. However, we’ve five-hundred words to fill, and so will begin by kindly drawing your attention to the meat.

There was the distinct fragrance of funk to this pie, too, with George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic owning the show (indeed, the festival) with their rich hash-brownie of a two-and-a-half-hour roller-skating, hip-gyrating, booty-shakin’ bonanza called a ‘set’.

Many have described it as beyond the use-by; Bob Dylan’s voice as tired and well, crap. To them we say, have you never known the magic of dry-aged beef? Sure, Dylan’s voice was a little more gravelly than it might have been when he was in diapers, but the guy is seventy. He was enthralling, transitioning between instruments and slipping into new versions of old songs, showing that he’s not stuck in 1969 but that--as one might expect of an artist, a poet--he still gets that The Times They Are a-Changin’ . On the other hand, the big cheese of blues, BB King, was looking a bit perplexed as to how he wound up on a stage. He is an old man--as young men usually turn out to be--but you don’t expect the shine on such legends to fade. When he was lucid, he played that guitar with the skill of a young sprite, but more often than not his age showed, his arms sagging and a vacant smile taking over his face. It was more sad to watch than disappointing, but still an honour to watch

Less dope-soaked but twice as fresh, yes, creme fraiche, was New Orleans-native, Trombone Shorty who, at the nubile age of twenty-five, stole crowds from established legends at nearby tents. And that was before he took his shirt off. Truly one to watch. And that’s without mentioning Grace Jones, Elvis Costello, Ben Harper, Michael Franti, ZZ Top, Jethro Tull and John Legend, plus Australian favourites Gurrumul, Paul Kelly, Washington, The Cat Empire and Wolfmother. But that’s a mudpie for you. You’re left with the flavour which most recently happened to pulverise your little taste-buds into submission, totally overwhelmed by the trillion flavoursome delights which preceded.

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If there’s one pie you eat in life, make it this one.

REVIEWS MUSIC

FILM

Ava Nirui

Courtney Rogers

Sparkadia- The Great Impression 12 Track, Album (2011, Ivy League)

Burke & Hare In Cinemas Now

It’s certainly fair to give kudos to Alexander Burnet for recording Sparkadia’s second release The Great Depression entirely of his own accord; however the spark we saw on the band’s debut record Postcards has truly evaporated (as have the former band members). This brand new release is a contrived mix of forced pop-rock and generic indie melodies, with a certain unnerving misery behind Burnet’s vocals -perhaps reflecting his heartbreak over the split of the band. Although endearing, there is something deeply depressing about this release -- the only thing more synthetic than the swelling instrumentals being the sentiment behind them. Though The Great Depression has its lyrical moments, this record has been crafted into a forgettable 2-dimensional indie-pop nightmare. Each track on the release can be directly equated with a tune by another indie band of the same caliber -- this commonality being the most significant musical fauxpas a band can ever be accused of. Being recorded in conjunction with Mark Tieku, songwriter and producer behind Florence and The Machine’s debut record, the album is devoid of the same innovation. The title track The Greatest Impression which opens the record is infused with smooth Tears-For-Fears-esque synthetic melodies, layered percussion and tacky female back-up vocals, sounding like some mid 80’s prom one hit wonder. Burnet sounds like a flat-lining Dougy Mandagi, with lifeless, drawn out vocals further spoiled by repetitive commercial pop melodies. This track is a microcosm for the remainder of the record as it captures all the ingenuities in which are embedded within this release. Again we can see this commercial ambience in the first single of the record China, which is noticeably manufactured to carry a dramatic ‘stadium-rock’ sound, with 2 dimensional lyrics and forced enthusiasm in the vocals. Like most of the songs on the record, the lyrics lack flair and creativity. The track is a re-imagination of a tacky 90’s rock/pop ballad – the chord progression being much too familiar and exhausted. The track does not identify with Sparkadia’s audial aesthetic and has awkward placement in the record. Hurt and I Started Something I Couldn’t Finish feature lyrics which center around Burnet’s self-pity, sung to the throbbing beat of a kick drum and ethereal church-organ melodies. These tracks show Burnet’s feeling of defeat. Considering the title, the release is ironically unmemorable and effortlessly camouflages into the Australian indie pop landscape.

John Landis’ film Burke & Hare is a situational comedy set in 19th century Edinburgh during the flourish of medical science. Loosely based on the West Port murders in 1827, our two main characters, Burke (Simon Pegg) and Hare (Andy Serkis), take up body-snatching as a way to supply Dr. Knox (Tom Wilkinson) with cadavers so he may dissect them in lectures and win the King’s contest of medical research over his rival Dr. Monro (Tim Curry). If you’re going to watch this film expecting a thought provoking and in-depth account of Scotland’s medical history, then don’t. Take it at face value - that’s what you can expect from the director of Animal House and The Blues Brothers. What really lets this film down is Landis’ style. It brings nothing new to a contemporary audience who may not be familiar with his work, and is somewhat outdated from his success in the early 80’s. The short gags barely raise a laugh because they have been used before like peeking around corners and chasing after runaway barrels. Cringe-worthy moments, such as blood splashing an unsuspecting medical student in the face, seem cheap. And he does nothing to combat his sexism, still rife in the way the female characters are portrayed. However, this film surprisingly strings three narratives together with excellent pace. We weave in and out of Burke and Hare’s schemes, the rival doctor’s medical and technological progress and Burke’s pursuit of sex from the ‘talented’ actress, Ginny (Isla Fisher) as she proceeds to direct and perform in an all female cast of Macbeth which the film draws parallels with throughout the film, mainly by Hare and his wife Lucky (Jessica Hynes). The set and costume designs are impressive - I dare anyone who watches this to count how many top hats they see. And though there were only a few laugh-out-loud moments, this film is a light-hearted comedy requiring no higher thinking and, at the end of the day, that’s all these types of films are good for. It’s worth watching for the bittersweet, corny ending as it follows-up the future of the main characters while The Proclaimers’ 500 Miles plays.

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ISSUE FIVE VERTIGO

BOOK

THEATRE

Dominica Nicholls

Justin Wolfers

Penguin Plays Rough Book of Short Stories Available 21st May

Baal Sydney Theatre Company // May 7 - June 11

Every culture has an oral tradition. From Homer’s Odyssey to your mum reading Goodnight Moon, human beings have always loved being told a story. Penguin Plays Rough takes that tradition by the scruff of the neck and sends it to the stars. Once a month, Pip Smith hosts a night of live reading in a semi-converted warehouse in St Peters. Five writers (who are not necessarily writers) present their work: maybe a short story, an excerpt from a play, perhaps some slam poetry. There might be a pole dancer or a lady in a scarf making brrrrrrrm-brrrrrrrm noises. The point of Penguin Plays Rough is originality more than any professional standards or promises of publication, which means novelists find themselves on the board with comics and assorted other performers. In the audience, you can get cozy on the couches and drink inexpensive beer until you’re brave enough to sign on for the wildcards, where anyone in the audience can read their work. It’s not a competition; it’s just a fun and fascinating way to spend an evening. So how does a night of live reading translate to a published book? Better than you’d think. The Penguin Plays Rough Book of Short Stories contains 23 works, all read at PPR, all individually and lovingly illustrated and typeset, the letters sometimes blurring or slipping off the page, sometimes swarmed by lizards or symbols. The dust jacket folds out into a stunning A2 map of the vast imaginative land traversed by the stories. The book is beautiful and designed to be treasured. You also get a download code for audio tracks of the authors reading their stories, including nine that were recorded at PPR nights, as well as thirteen completely original soundtracks for thirteen of the stories. Also, a set of steak knives! OK, no, but with so much cutting edge literature, steak knives are superfluous. A Sto Dialo is a painfully funny recounting of too many years of marriage. From Peasant to Proletariat: An Autotwitography is a pack of brief, sharp, brilliant bursts of an immigrant life. Semi-Fiction either blurs some lines or lines some blurs. Lil Shrimp is a portal to a parallel dimension disguising itself as a Wikipedia article about a rapping prawn. The collection is as vibrant, varied, hilarious and terrifying as the best nights of PPR. It’s packed with sex, religion, whales, violence, film pitches, unexpected metaphors and some of the best story telling in Sydney.

Simon Stone takes a bludgeon to the archetype of the tortured artist with Baal, and delivers an exquisite and battering portrayal of all that is wrong and right with misanthropy. A fearsomely contemporary adaptation of Bertolt Brecht’s first play, written in 1918 when he was 21 and a student, the play depicts the enviable and pitiable life of the genius poet and singer Baal (Thomas M Wright), whose name shares etymology with both ancient gods and demons. His effect on those around him is polarising in this way, as he represents the upper class’ vicarious obsession with those who are unshackled from the social pleasantries that keep us functioning in our jobs and friendships. Baal is free from niceness: he is brazen, uncaring, relentlessly hedonistic, and dashing. As all excellent tragedies do, however, this quality of attraction - this hope he carries - is demolished during the play’s course in a series of artfully constructed scenes that straddle the real and surreal. I don’t want to give away how incredible Nick Schlieper’s set and lighting is - but it is the greatest kind - minimal AND wonderful. There is a lot of nudity in the play, which is explicit but short of gratuitous, and the cast (both men and women) embrace it with boldness in a very strong ensemble performance. As the conclusion approaches, the characters abandon their individual roles and morph into a kind of theatrical torture chamber for Baal’s subconscious, with his closest friend Eckart (Oscar Redding) urging him to keep singing his sad songs: “But still he journeys, drives deep into absinthe-green seas, though his mother always accepted he was gone, he was lost.” Music plays a defining role, coupled with the absurd level of alcohol consumption, creating a flailing rockstar appropriation of Brecht’s post-war context. The ending Stone chooses is structured more to bruise than to cut precisely but in doing this he reveals the epicness of Brecht. “There’s no point in understanding,” Baal bellows, “you have to feel it!” And we do; we are drenched in the knowledge of just how vital Baal is as a masterpiece in self-consumption.

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PLACES TO GO... If You’re Heartbroken

So you’ve been dumped? Chin up, squirt. There are plenty of things to do to not only make yourself feel better, but to spite that bitch till she can no longer function. Here’s Vertigo’s guide on how to pick up the pieces of your shattered soul in the most tactful ways known to man. Words: Ava Nirui

EAT // Cupcakes on Pitt, 2/323 Pitt St, Sydney There’s no better way to mend your broken little heart than by scoffing cupcakes down your throat and smearing sweet pink icing all over your lips. Cupcakes on Pitt has a delectable variety of mouth-watering cupcakes and scrumptious pastries which will prompt you to forget about that whore in a broken-heart beat. With saccharine delicacies like these, the only thing aching will be your teeth. Plus, there are dozens of ‘love’ themed cakes which you can acquire and angrily throw against a wall at your own accord! LISTEN // Eamon, ‘Fuck It’ Like Eamon, American one hit wonder of 2003, you are obviously full of unprecedented antagonism and want to snap that girl’s neck like a glow-stick. Pop ‘Fuck It’ on at full volume, put on a wig, and sing to yourself in the mirror as if you were telling that heart-breaker what you really think about her ruthless ways. Better yet, leave her a voicemail, write a letter, a fax, morse-code it – anything to get these brilliantly furious words across to her to show your real emotions. You will not only look like an asshole, but musically hip. ‘Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back’ is exceptional lyricism. GO // Tiffanys, 99 Albion St, Surry Hills Yes, I know its cliché and exhausted, but going to the brothel will truly assist you in forgetting your loverelated sorrows. The workers at the gentleman’s parlour have no problem with role play, ensuring that you mentally assert that you are having sex with a girl who genuinely wants you, and not because you’re paying her wages. Plus, if you pay her enough, she might even allow you to yell and shout obscenities, fantasizing that this prostitute is in fact, your ex. Even though you will walk out with an empty pocket, your cool factor will be through the roof – not to mention your heightened dignity and gentleman status. WATCH // He’s Just Not That Into You Let’s face it, you’re deluded. You probably stood outside her house with a guitar and sang love songs at 3AM last night. And you probably still send her hundreds of text messages, hoping that she will miss you and change her mind. Unfortunately, I don’t even know the girl – and I still know she doesn’t like you, you crazy fuck. So stop pestering her, watch this movie, and learn that if she’s not paying attention to you anymore it means she probably doesn’t like you and probably never did. Girls are sneaky little bloodsucking monsters who will ruin your life just for a conversation topic. It’s true.

wUTS HAPPENING QUEERAGANZA The Students Association Queer Collective is holding a cabaret, drag

and music extravaganza at The Imperial Hotel in Erskineville (just up the road from Newtown train station) on June 2nd at 7pm. The event will star Antonio Mantonio, Patrick and the Deep End, Jack Colwell and the Owls and more. $15 on the door, all funds raised will go to Queer Collaborations.

FUTURE DJ COMP Prospective DJs, dust off those turntables and get ready to crown

yourself UTS’s Most Kickarse DJ. The comp is being held at the Loft on Friday May 20. A panel of industry judges will also dole out $1500 in cash and a Saturday night set at Soho to the lucky winner. To enter, send a demo to Jennifer.Greathead@uts.edu.au. Kicks off at 6pm.

EXAMS ASSIGNMENTS EXAMS You can’t even escape them reading wUTS happening. EVERYTHING IS DUE!

DON’T FORGET . . . Get your bed sheets ready for the Kuring-gai end of semester toga party, June 2nd. Tix $15, or $10 if you’re an AP member.

ISSUE FIVE VERTIGO

SP RT

BARCELONA: A LA LIGA LESSON IN C***ERY

ANALYSIS Nick Jordan Imagine a group of eager young boys, squatting around an orange littered picnic rug at the end of their first season of football. Their gruff coach Ken approaches and a quaint statue in his hand helps to steady the boys’ attention. The dull gold statue is of a boy holding a ball triumphantly over his head. The coach roughly wonders which of his kids deserve the award. He looks at young rang-kid called Paul, who runs until his lung deficiency collapses him. Then to the Spanish boy, Diego, who plays like flowers look but with more goals involved. The coach isn’t sure, and he wants to give it to Paul because he’s a kind of player’s player, he gets stuck in and runs like he’s a free-again paraplegic. Diego, on the other hand, is about as much of a c*** as an 8 year old could be. He dives, he hacks, he would even pretend to be dead to win a free-kick- but the way he caresses the ball with such perfect technique makes gruff old Ken cry the way only purists can; with total disregard for c***ery. Now imagine Diego is Barcelona and his teary coach Ken is the football media. At the end of the season, would Barcelona win a best and fairest award?

Fox: “Barcelona affirms place as game’s best” Goal.com: “Unbreakable Barcelona”, and “Europe’s best once more”. The Independent: “Are Barcelona simply the greatest team of all time?” That’s all natural considering they beat everyone else but very few of the media reports mentioned that many of the Barcelona players dive, over-act and commit general acts of c***ery quite regularly. After watching both Barcelona and Madrid hug their shins and slice each other’s calves for 90 minutes last week, I went into this week’s leg prepared. I wrote myself up a c***ery table, in which each player gets marks for over-acting, excessive complaining to the referee, diving and dirty fouls. The aim was to test the fairness of ‘the best team in the world’ against a Madrid team that had been widely criticised for its negative tactics. As you can see, although the football game ended at Barcelona 1 – Madrid 1, the game of c***ery ended Barcelona 16 – Madrid 8. After the game the Telegraph said: ‘Madrid’s dark side was sadly evident’ and ‘challenges seemed to drip with malice’. Goal.com said “all the beliefs of negativity and siege mentality must be eradicated”. Where were the complaints about Barcelona’s negativity? There were few. When so many football critics complained about the anti-football of the first leg, they slammed Mourinho for being so defensive. Why aren’t they pushing for something to happen to Barcelona’s behaviour? There is a lack of discussion about fairness in football. The tactics employed by players like young Diego and Barcelona regardless of how exciting or ‘pure’ their football is, should be punished. For this to happen the media needs to take its tongue out of Barcelona’s mouth and start thinking critically about the state of football culture.

Douchebaggery Table Douchebaggery Table Barcelona16 Valdes

Alves

Pique

Over-Acting

Puyol 1

Barcelona16 Xavi Villa 1 Over-Acting

Iniesta Valdes 2

Messi Alves

Mascherano Busquets Pedro Pique Puyol Xavi Villa 3 2 1 1 1

Iniesta

Messi

Mascherano

Busquets

Pedro 1

Complaining Complaining Diving

1 Diving

Dirty Fouls

2 Dirty Fouls

Real Madrid8 Casillas

Carvalho

Ronaldo

Kaka

Real Madrid8 Diarra Marcelo

Alonso Arbeloa Adebayor Casillas Carvalho Ronaldo

Higuain DiMaria Kaka Diarra Marcelo

Alonso

Arbeloa

Adebayor

Higuain

DiMaria

Over-Acting Over-Acting Complaining

1 Complaining

Diving Dirty Fouls

1 2

Diving 1 Dirty Fouls

1 3 2

Douchebag of the Match: Douchebag of the Match: J.Mascherano J.Mascherano

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SA REPORTS Neha Madhok Student Association President ‘Want to be part of our photo-board?’ ‘Join the Students’ Money to Students Campaign!’ These are a few phrases you might have encountered from people clad in bright blue or grey. If you were one of the hundreds of people who stopped for a second to hear about the campaign and to add your face to those of many other students, then you’re great and we love you. If you didn’t, then we understand you’re probably really busy, so we won’t hold it against you. For a bit of a re-cap, with the Students’ Money to Students campaign, the government is looking to bring back funding for student services and thus improve campus life. However they aren’t going about it in the greatest way. Student services will be funded by students, at a rate of $250 a year (deferrable on HECS-HELP) but the thing is, there is no guarantee that this money will go directly to students, because the current proposal only states that our money can go to the university. This means that universities could, for instance, put more than three million student dollars towards their bottom line or to areas where you won’t see direct benefits. This campaign is pushing for an amendment to the legislation, so that students’ money goes to democratically-elected student organisations like the Students’ Association and the Union, where students can decide who puts their money to use and how. We want to see democracy, not just another fee. For this reason, we’ve been running around campus with our ‘Students’ Money to Students’ sign and getting you to smile with it. We’ve also been putting up our giant ‘What Do You Stand For?’ banner all over the Broadway, Markets and Kuring-gai campus’,

printing out photos of you guys with the sign and adding them to our banner. Sometimes students had already seen our leaflets or heard about the campaign through their friends and approached us to be part of the giant photo-board/ banner. We’ve used the banner stunt to get media attention and we’ll use the hundreds of photos from UTS - as well as the thousands collected around Australia - when we’re talking to politicians about why they need to add an amendment to the Student Services and Amenities Fee legislation. I’ve arranged a meeting with the local member for Sydney, Tanya Plibersek, to present her with the hundreds of UTS photos and tell her that UTS students (who vote!) care about how their money is spent. I’ll keep you posted on the outcome of that meeting. This semester we’ve also seen the Fund our Future campaign, consultations around Youth Allowance reform, a push for national concession cards for students, a new Students’ Association website, a student forum on computers at UTS, training on student representation for elected student representatives and a strong presence on campus from Students’ Association collectives. Next semesters keep an eye out for the soon-to-be-launched Legal Service, the return of Free Breakfasts, campaigns on class sizes and illegal course costs, and much more. Keep watching this page, and if you’d like to get involved, just ask! See your Students’ Money to Students photos online: on the UTS Students’ Association Facebook page, www.sa.uts.edu.au and www.unistudent.com.au/studentsmoneytostudents Contact me: @UTS_SAPresident, sapresident2011@uts.edu. au or 9514 1155

Timothy Roylett Education Vice President As my deadline for this report drew closer - Vertigo editors breathing down my neck - I all of a sudden had a change of plan for this piece. Tonight (which, to you, will be some time in the not-so-distant past) the Federal Government released the 2011 budget. In many cases, the word ‘cut’ will sum it up for students. In others, the government is unequivocally silent. Take funding for higher education, your education, for example. I see the cuts, but I don’t see the money, das Geld, l’argent, or anything similar. The government plan to end the restrictions on the number of university places next year - an ever famous relic of the Bradley Review - potentially allowing enrolments from a record number of applicants in many courses. Where, then, is the commitment to adequately funding a quality education? I’m not talking about websites that promise the impossible, or acronym wank-fests like TEQSA either, seemingly focused on figures which have comparably little value when taken out of context. Julia wants 40% of Australians with a degree by 2020? Then put your money where your mouth is. When it comes to welfare, there is a much more complex story going on. Mental health seemed to be the icing on the cake… at least as far as ol’ Swanny told us. Greater funding for mental health- who could possibly fault or reject such a proposition? Not even hatty, chatty and sometimes catty, though nonetheless natty, Bob Katter – who would no doubt take his hat off (well, maybe not that far) to the plan. There is,

however, one teeny, tiny, little blemish in the icing. A small, white, speck of turd on Bob Katter’s hat. The cutting of GP mental health plans and the number of Medicare-funded psychological consults. At the discovery of the latter, I had a couple of students contact me, unhappy with this cost-cutting measure. In the spirit of budget night, one student called the proponents of this plan “bankers”. Though, I’m sure I misread that. Perhaps it was rhyming slang? Or that Bs and Ws are so easily interchangeable these days? I digress. What is most concerning with this cut, slash, or guillotine as it were, is that it hits many students, particularly those from low-SES backgrounds… hard. Vast numbers of students cannot afford to pay a median of often over $200, out of pocket, to see a psychologist. A professional psychologist contact of mine suggested that cutting the number of Medicare-funded psych consults may not only deter people, but could also lead to inadequate treatment and follow-up. This is where the mental health portion of the budget falls over, down a hole, into the ocean and into the Mariana Trench. I have certainly been kept on my toes tonight, which is more than I can say for many a cup of coffee - sprayed angrily across my computer screen throughout the course of the evening. I represent you in matters of welfare and education, so have no hesitation in contacting me through the Students’ Association if you have concerns in these areas. À plus!

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WOMEN’S COLLECTIVE Slut Slammin’ Hear the phrase ‘she’s a slut’ and we’ve all got a pretty good idea of what you mean. A woman who’s ‘easy’ or ‘gets around’, with a dress code, flaky morals and lack of self-respect to match. It’s a longstanding slur in youth culture, and is thrown about the media and shockand-awe articles on morally bankrupt teens (fuelling pop culture stereotypes) and is hurled (sometimes playfully, often viciously) around all sorts of peer groups. The term assumes there is something wrong with a woman who has many sexual partners – although what constitutes ‘many’, and on whose grounds, is debatable. Even more problematic is the insult’s implication that it’s socially unacceptable - even morally wrong for a woman to enjoy sex at all. The word ‘slut’ carries negative connotations of dirtiness, disease, social dysfunction and immorality. It allies women who are actively sexual, physically sexualised or sexually confident to such negative traits – regardless of the number of sexual partners they have. Such damnation of a woman who enjoys sex strips her of agency by suggesting there’s something wrong with her, undermining the desires and sexual freedom of all women. Female insults like ‘slut’ and its many equivalents – whore, skank, slag, tramp - contrast with male-gendered insults like ‘fag’ and ‘homo’. These criticise a man’s ability to sexually ensnare women, and they feminise him, once again reiterating the misogynistic dichotomy: woman is submissive, responsive and weak, and man is dominant, active and empowered. There is a double standard as to how the sexual behaviour of men and women is perceived and judged, a double standard that must be overturned in order to take any steps towards gender equality. This dichotomy is reinforced through pop culture, political and social figures and the varying socialisation of male and female children. It’s also reinforced through sex education classes, which teach young women about drugs and how to put condoms on bananas, but not about recognising their own sexual power or needs. And then you’ve got judgments made on the basis of a woman’s appearance, assuming that someone’s fashion sense says anything about their sexual activity. Most scary is the correlation between such ‘slut-bashing’ and society’s views on rape. In an article titled ‘Misogyny’s Rise No Surprise when Self-respect Rejected’, Miranda Devine wrote ‘there is no point in simply demanding that men change their attitudes. It is no coincidence that the rise in misogyny seems to coincide with some women’s rejection of any self-respect or modesty. Why would a man respect a woman who doesn’t respect herself...?’ That’s some insidiously sexist journalism. It is views such as hers that fuel society’s rape myths like ‘she was asking for it’, which somehow place women at fault for causing their own rape. There’s this warped perception that if a woman is falling over herself in the street, drunk and confused, then she is somehow inviting sexual intercourse. It’s not rape if she dresses like a slut, right? Women are taught that if they dress a certain way, don’t walk on the streets alone at night, hold their keys for self-defense and don’t lead men on, they will avoid rape. Instead, how about targeting rape prevention strategies at men, and challenging the unfathomable idea that women who dress revealingly, get drunk or behave in a sexualised manner are sluts, and therefore somehow deserve to be raped? Feminism has a long way to go to combat the violent damnation of women who are confident in their sexuality and sexual expression. At the heart of this, we must tackle society’s entrenched prejudice, fear and hatred of female sexual pleasure. Members of the Women’s Collective will be attending ‘SlutWalk’ 13th June 2-4pm at Newtown’s ‘I have a dream’ mural. This is an event in response to a Canadian police officer advising women to dress ‘appropriately’ to avoid being attacked.

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NOT SURE HOW TO SPEND YOUR UNI HOLIDAYS? TRY TAKING A LEAF OUT OF FIONA MCCUAIG’S BOOK AND DOING SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT THESE HOLIDAYS. LIKE, OH, I DON’T KNOW, GOING TO ANTARCTICA AND WORKING ONBOARD THE SEA SHEPHERD.

HAVING A WHALE OF A TIME Name: Fiona McCuaig Degree: Property Development Wants to: Build ‘green’ buildings In the holidays: I’m an Australian Wildlife Activist, Rescue Swimmer and Quartermaster on the Sea Shepherd, saving whales in Antarctica. I’ve been with the Sea Shepherd for nearly two years. It all started when I was in San Francisco when I went to help out at the Sea Shepherd office in Friday Harbour for six weeks. I had no intention of going on the ships and thought it was too hard to get a spot on one, but was so surprised and thrilled when I was invited by Captain Paul Watson. I flew to Mauritius in November 2009 where the Bob Barker was being repaired and being prepared for the Antarctica Whale Defense Campaign. The world didn’t know about the ship yet, so we were able to ‘surprise’ the whalers down there! I couldn’t even tell my family where I was going! The Sea Shepherd has been actively stopping whalers in Antarctica for seven years now, and I’ve been so lucky to be part of the last two campaigns. It looks like the last one was quite successful, too. We seem to have driven the Japanese whaling fleet home, as we shut down the whaling fleet entirely. It is a huge celebration for the world. The scariest moment of all was just after the Ady Gil had been sliced in two by a Japanese harpoon ship. I was asked to jump into the freezing Antarctic water with my survival suit and was told: “Be prepared to drag out dead bodies.” Another frightening moment was being on deck on the Bob Barker when it was violently rammed by another harpoon ship at very high speed. It made a hole in the ship that could have potentially sunk us if it was 25cm lower, as it would have been below the waterline of the ship. But it is extremely rewarding knowing that we are directly saving whales. The Japanese fisheries release their results of how many whales they caught and this year they only got 172 whales and once again they lost money going down to Antarctica. The best part about being onboard, besides my wonderful family and friends, is being able to represent the marine life and the health of the oceans. It can be easy for many people to forget about the importance of the oceans because we live on land, but the ocean is 99% of all living space on the planet! It gives us up to 80% of the oxygen we breathe, it influences weather and also feeds many poor people around the world who depend on fish for their livelihood.

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The Campaigns I Have Done: 2009-2010 Whale Defense campaign in Antarctica: “Operation Waltzing Matilda” Role: Rescue Swimmer and Deckhand 2010 Gulf Rescue Campaign coordinator based in LA, helping out with the horrendous Gulf of Mexico Oil Spill 2010-2011 Whale Defense Campaign in Antarctica “Operation No Compromise” Role: Rescue Swimmer and Quartermaster (navigating and driving the ship with the Captain Cornellisen)

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