Vertigo Issue 6

Inside: The A-Z of Modern Taboo Cyber Jamming (of the Musical Variety) Short Stack!

VERTIGO ISSUE SIX . 1

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CONTENTS EDITORS LUCIEN ALPERSTEIN JAMES BOURNE CARLA EFSTRATIOU GEMMA KACZEREPA AVA NIRUI DANIEL PIOTROWSKI ANNA WATANABE JUSTIN WOLFERS

ART DIRECTORS MEGAN MANNING IRIT POLLAK

CONTRIBUTORS CLARE BLUMER KIERAN BOYD MIKE BERBENES MATTHEW FRASER CAITLIN MURRAY DIMITY KASZ PHOEBE ROSE KIRKWOOD ETHAN TUXFORD

ADVERTISING STEPHANIE KING

WITH THANKS TO NEHA MADHOK ET.AL SPOT PRESS PTY LTD, MARRICKVILLE

COVER IMAGE DIMITY KASZ

LETTERS

4

EDITORIAL Ava Nirui

5

ROADTESTS: ALTERNATIVE MEDICINES Gemma Kaczerepa

6

TABOO WORDS Justin Wolfers

8

INTERVIEW: Shaun Diviney of Short Stack Ava Nirui

10

TRIVIAL DISPUTES Ava and James

12

DEFAMER

13

SHOWCASE

Phoebe Rose Kirkwood & Dimity Kasz

16

HARRY POTTER: The End of an Era

20

FEATURED FEATURE: NETWORKED IMPROVISATIONS

23

iLOST Kieran Boyd

24

FOOD Gemma Kaczerepa

26

FASHION Caitlin Murray

27

FEATURE REVIEW: THE SYDNEY FILM FESTIVAL Ethan Tuxford

29

REVIEWS Justin, James, Anna & Matthew Fraser

30

PLACES TO GO IF…you want to dump a body Lucien Alperstein

32

SPORT James Bourne

33

Student Association, Enviro Collective & Women’s Collective Reports

34

36

Clare Blumer

Vertigo and its entire contents are protected by copyright. Vertigo will retain reprint rights, contributors retain all other rights for resale and republication. No material may be reproduced without the prior written consent of the copyright holders.

Vertigo would like to show it’s respect and acknowledge the Traditional Custodians of the land, the Gadigal and Guring-gai people of Eora Nation, upon whose ancestral lands the university now stands. More than 500 Indigenous Nations shared this land for over 40,000 years before invasion.

We express our solidarity and continued commitment to working with Indigenous peoples, in Australia and around the world, in their ongoing struggle for land rights, self determination, sovereignty, and the recognition and compensation for past injustices.

Vertigo is published by the UTS STUDENTS’ ASSOCIATION Printed by SPOTPRESS PTY LTD, MARRICKVILLE Email us at advertising@utsvertigo.com for enquires

GAMES

VERTIGO ISSUE SIX . 3

soapbox Letters & opinionS Vertigo reserves the right to edit letters for design and sense-making purposes.

Have your say on our Facebook page (Vertigo) or email us at editorial@utsvertigo.com

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Vertigo,

Dear Vertigo,

In Issue 5 of your magazine, you listed four places to go if you’re heartbroken. Now, I understand that the article is meant in jest and that I’m not supposed to be offended - but ‘go visit a prostitute’? It’s just insensitive and irresponsible.

I write to you in secret, while I wait for my two-hour Liberal Arts lecture to end. The Great Hall has poor air circulation, so in an effort to keep awake, I thought I’d do something productive.

Leaving aside the fact you’re encouraging women to sell themselves, you’re assuming that a broken heart can be cured by gratuitous sex. I’ve tried, it doesn’t work. - I still love her.

My kind have to stay anonymous, but I speak on their behalf when I thank you for producing Vertigo - a student paper I much prefer reading to my own university’s compilation of smug, academic snobbery. Let’s call it ‘Ones’ly Shite.

And before you go thinking that I’m another lonely, catriddled feminist lesbian ranting your way, I’m not. I’m a bloke with morals. A phenomenon your magazine and everyone else seems to assume doesn’t exist.

It’s so easy to stereotype all men as penises first and human beings second. Apparently women are the only ones who get emotionally screwed over in a relationship, but guys can hurt just as much, alright? And women can be just as deceptive, just as cruel as every Sex and the City, Gilmore Girls, womenare-the-only-victims TV shows paint men to be.

Now I know that I’m in the minority - most uni students aren’t even looking for monogoamy or a long-term relationship. But I love her, alright? I love her! And no amount of paid-for sex or nights in nightclubs is going to change that. It’s just not that easy to forget. Her face. Her hair. Her eyelashes.

You’re all going to want someone important in your lives one day. And when they leave you (and they will leave you), no amount of “Tiffany’s” services will make it better. It hurts. It really hurts. Help me.

- Lost in Love

Unlike the above publication, which leaves its readers confused and mouths agape like a Marce Sewer at its attempts at social commentary, Vertigo actually has a sense of humour. It laughs at itself with the full knowledge that its uncanny similarities to Dolly, Zoo and other such B-grade, less-informative-than-tabloid-but-just-as-crass publications endear Vertigo to the common 19-25-year-old student.

The resident magazine at my university of choice is so conscious of constructing an image of a respectable, sceptical voice of the people, with the dry wit of Winston Churchill and the superior intellect of Stephen Fry, that any attempts at humour come across as a weak cover-up of gaping, weeping wounds of insecurity, brought about by years of contributors and editors being unable to get published anywhere other than their underfunded, overrated student magazine, run by friends and fellow starving ‘writers’.

I chuckled at your vajazzling story and found your recommendations on How To Treat A Woman enlightening both emotionally and socially.

Thank you, Vertigo, for appealing to the lowest common denominator; for being the Today Tonight of inner Sydney student papers; for showing the world that a full-colour, matte magazine about boob jobs will always reign supreme.

- A secret admirer

What do you think of Vertigo this year? Tell us at editorial@utsvertigo.com

4 . ISSUE SIX VERTIGO

EDITORIAL AVA NIRUI

Happy Semester II, dispirited Vertigo readers! We know the start of semester is a furious time of year - and what more furious way to wrap up Issue Six than with an old-fashioned, offensive, vitriol-filled, OG rap? Ch-check-check it out: Woke up quick, at about noon, Just knew I had to be at UTS soon, Gotta get drunk before the day begins, Before my mum starts bitchin’ about my friends!

I’m so hung-over, my under-arms reek, I just want holidays for one more week, My stomach is churnin’, my eyes is burnin’, Does it look like I’m in a position to be learnin’?

Walking through the tower in my brand new kicks, In the corner of my eye: Vertigo Issue Six! Flippin’ through the pages and all I see, Is stacks of unprecedented quality!

My eyes are red and I wanna be in bed, Lucky the Roadtest is all about alternative meds!

Like urine therapy, alien water and plaster, These crazy methods will get you well much faster.

Next page I turn and what do I see?

It’s my favourite D-grade pop-punk star - Shaun Diviney!

The man is talented and super wise, He even agrees that Tupac is still alive!

Trivial Disputes reeks with such frustration, ‘Are scooters an appropriate form of transportation?’

Ava says ‘no’ and James says ‘yes’, I wonder if it’s really worth all the stress?

As I flipped on through, I suddenly froze, I remembered I have a few bodies to dispose.

Even though it seems a bit shoddy, Vertigo explores places to go if you want to dump a body.

I feel the tears well up suddenly, When I discover it’s the very end of Hazza P! A sadness fills inside of me, What’s going to happen to Harry, Ron and Hermione?

The magazine has come to a close, ‘I’ll read it again,’ I propose!

To this magazine, I will affix, Thank you, Vertigo Issue Six!

VERTIGO ISSUE SIX . 5

ROADTEST: alternative medicines Breakthroughs in conventional medicine have helped us cure familiar ailments like chicken pox, polio and syphilis. But the one thing your stock standard pill, syrup or injection has failed to do is cure the common cold. So with disease rampant in the office, Vertigo decided to take medical science into its own vastly inexperienced hands and turn to alternative therapies as a way of giving the sniffles the cold shoulder.

Words: Gemma Kaczerepa

Ava tries Buddhist Chanting

They say this therapy can heal disorders from alcoholism to cancer. And if it’s good enough for Courtney Love, it’s good enough for us. Although that’s not saying much – just as it failed to cure chronic insanity, it was also largely fruitless in getting rid of Ava’s cold. Her daily bass wailing only succeeded in pissing off everyone within a one kilometre radius.

Effectiveness: 0/10 Ava says: “The one upside is that I’ve perfected my rendition of Can’t Get Enough of Your Love, Baby.”

James tries Music Therapy Apparently the soothing sound of music can rid sufferers of any illness, so the humble didgeridoo was transformed into a five-foot healing machine to help rid James of his throaty cough. But after a week of having hot air and spittle noisily blown on his chest, it was clear the didge’ should stick to its musical roots.

Effectiveness: 0/10 James says: “Despite my newfound appreciation for our country’s most iconic musical instrument, the only thing it managed to get rid of was a significant portion of my sanity.”

Lucien tries Plaster Therapy Those loco Victorians advise taking beeswax, olive oil and frankincense and mixing to generate a cold-combating wonder. Or not. Placing the mixture on Lucien’s chest and leaving it to set only created an infinitely more painful alternative to waxing. If you’re game (which we certainly weren’t), a method similar to this one is to place cow manure on your chest in the shape of a crucifix to ward off illness. Unsurprisingly it comes from Texas and, even more unsurprisingly, it’s completely futile.

Effectiveness: 10/10 – if we’re talking hair removal, that is.

Lucien says: “Now I don’t even have a thick rug of hair to protect me from the cold.

As for the latter, I’m struggling to understand how phlegm is the work of the devil.”

Justin tries Urine Therapy There’s nothing we love more than a solid pint to start the day – except when it’s filled with hot, steaming urine. Justin was brave enough to drink his own liquid waste on a daily basis but found the healing effect was quite the opposite – by the end of the week he was also suffering severe gastro.

Effectiveness: 0/10 Justin says: “Extremely humiliating, though it did momentarily distract me from my symptoms – but they’re back now.”

Gemma tries Extra-Celestial Water You say ‘what the fuck?’ We say, well, ‘what the fuck?’ This water supposedly comes from the fingers and toes of aliens and is licked off the back of your hand on a daily basis to rid the body of toxins. All it eradicated was half of Gemma’s weekly income.

Effectiveness: 0/10 Gemma says: “I’ve lost my time, my money and my mind.”

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VERTIGO ISSUE SIX . 7

NOT WHILE WE’RE EATING: KEY -‑‑‑­‑---------

� POLITICS � RELIGION � SEX

Aborigines:

Hitler:

In the 2009 film Samson and Delilah, the Alice Springs schoolgirls lick on ice creams as Delilah wanders the town, ignored and shunned. Indigenous issues make for uncomfortable dinner table conversation because modern Australia is affluent at the expense of the culture it has destroyed, but feels too estranged from responsibility to do anything about it. Honourable mentions: Anal, Abortion.

A taboo subject for obvious reasons of sensitivity, the Holocaust is one of a few key examples that brings the right for free speech up for debate. In most European countries Holocaust denial is a jailable offense, and while in Australia this isn’t a pervasive issue, it’s still inappropriate to joke about. Honourable mention: HIV.

Booty:

It’s plain to see that racism and religious intolerance towards Muslims has dramatically increased since 9/11. The planes flown into the World Trade Centre by religious extremist terrorists have been the keystone event of this century and due to some media fear mongering and a lot of public ignorance, all Muslims have been painted with that same brush of being dangerous and Other to us.

Ah, misogyny. Of all the ways a man can describe how he feels about a woman, the word booty just seems beautifully evocative, and completely unacceptable. It’s the way the lady’s behind should ideally be really big, able to be cupped, and shaking in a man’s face.

Cunt:

Islam:

This descriptor of female genitalia is widely considered to be the crudest word in modern use. It has a force and a brashness to it that seems to surpass all other expletives, and is deemed particularly offensive to women. There are those that champion the term however, like Germaine Greer, noting that vagina’s literal meaning is “sword sheath”, and by comparison the C-word is a more empowering term. Honourable mentions: Climate Change, Communism.

Jealousy:

Douchebag:

When discussing censorship, child pornography is the line that even the staunchest of anti-intervention activists do not cross. It is never up for debate, and it is never defended. Quintessential taboo, and perhaps too forbidden to even make a joke about for the purposes of illustration. Suffice to say: The Vatican.

A douche bag is a “small syringe for douching the vagina, especially as a contraceptive measure.” As a replacement for words we used in high school like “dickhead” and “wanker”, it seems to have taken on a strangely non-literal new meaning.

It’s usually used in reference to males who are obnoxious or pretentious, but how does that relate to a pipe filled with water for bodily irrigation?

Euthanasia:

Another volatile dinnertime topic, because it deals with death, and puts two opposing life perspectives at odds with each other. That is, wanting to do the best for somebody you care about, in circumstances when the best thing might be for them to die. Nobody wants that responsibility, and so why talk about it unless the situation makes itself unavoidable?

Faggot:

‘A ball or roll of chopped liver, baked or fried (UK); A bundle of sticks bound together as fuel (US).’ (OED) Or, as it’s commonly used, a derogatory term for male gays. ‘Fag’ can be affectionately used among friends, but when used as a curse it’s usually indicative that the person using the term isn’t trying to be funny, and is probably a homophobe. Honourable mention: Fuck.

Golden Shower: Cringe warning. “The act of urinating on another person, usually for sexual gratification, or as a [form] of humiliation.”

(Urban Dictionary) This fetish has been immortalised in Pedro Almodavar’s film Pepi, Luci, Bom and the Other Girls on the Heap, and is certainly taboo, probably because most people don’t understand the hype.

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“Don’t ask, don’t tell” relationships, and even monogamous relationships, rely on trusting in your partner’s feelings. Jealousy is taboo because it creeps in inevitably and is never enjoyable.

Discussion of exes and crushes invites jealousy into the relationship, and could end up with someone checking your phone while you’re in the bathroom, et voila, the trust is broken.

Kiddie Porn:

Love: Hollywood and Hallmark have combined to make the use of the word ‘love’, or the phrase ‘I love you’ acceptable amongst friends and amongst steady lovers, but an extremely tenuous word to use in the courting stages. It can cause discomfort if used inappropriately, and can cause insecurity if never used at all. Best maybe, to just repeat it over and over till it loses all its stigma.

Moist: There is something creepy and evocative and excellent about this word. It has a stickiness and a texture to it that makes it sexual without needing to attach any subject to it. Moist. While the word isn’t particularly offensive in itself, there is a particularly filthy slang going around of calling nubile young women ‘moisties’. Honourable mentions: Masturbation, Mugabe.

Nigger:

It is acceptable for African-Americans to refer to each other with it in casual contexts, but it is completely unacceptable in the public sphere. If a politician was to be recorded saying ‘fuck’, it would be barely news, but ‘nigger’ is a career-ender. It has roots to cotton-pickers and pre-Civil War slavery, and it is perhaps because of this link to institutionalised racism that it is so unquestionably prohibited.

AN A-Z OF MODERN TABOO Obesity:

Smoking is a unhealthy practice that has now been so vilified in the media and public opinion that we are at the point of plain packaging and an almost pro-life vs. pro-choice mentality.

Gross over-eating, and the regular consumption of junk food are certainly known to be unhealthy, but there is no real sense of public responsibility in discouraging it.

Picketing: In particular, Deep-American-South-Baptist-Picketing, like the church that picketed a soldier’s funeral because his death in the Iraq War was God’s punishment for America allowing gays to serve in the military. It’s all well and good to discuss it, and agree that what they are saying is despicable and cruel, but it still continues. Honourable mentions: Porn, Prostitution.

Queefing:

JUSTIN WOLFERS

Valentine’s Day: This day means couples go on dates and give roses and cards and chocolates to each other. For singles, it is either ignored or lamented over. It is a genius move from Hallmark and Darrell Lea, and it generally adds excitement to that week in February - but it’s also a bit sad that everybody dresses up and goes on dates that evening just because The Spectre of Capitalism says so.

Woomera:

Those who have heard of it probably agree that it is too-oftenforgotten, and those who haven’t prove the point that it is a taboo topic. The Detention Centre in South Australia has been the source of lots of controversy because it is in place to enforce immigration law, but the majority of people seeking asylum are doing so legally.

Urbandictionary.com is your friend on this one. Suffice to say, one time, in 2004, the Kyle and Jackie O Show were discussing this late at night, and it was decided that the passage of air in that region of the female anatomy should not be embarrassing, but encouraged, as it implies that all is healthy, and well, and properly functioning. But it seems rude or gratuitous to talk about directly.

Xenophobia:

Rape:

Never heard of it? This North-Eastern Russian city is taboo because it’s difficult to pronounce and extremely hard to get to. The highways are shoddy and ridden with mud, and it has temperatures of around -45C in winter, and is cut off from the rest of the world during summer when the snow melts. But it can’t be ignored, because the territory is vital to success when playing the board game Risk.

SlutWalk this year shed some light on this taboo topic, as a march against the kind of attitude that places any responsibility on the female for the vile things men might do to them without their consent. Choice is the key word on this topic, as any limitation placed on what a woman might wear, or say, or how she might dance, is a transgression that shouldn’t be supported.

Sudan:

Genocide, war crimes, religious persecution: Sudan (and now Southern Sudan) has had it all in the last couple of decades, but why is it not the country for worldwide concern and humanitarian intervention? Perhaps it is because of its relative lack of pillagable resources, or a view that it is simply too big a problem to solve, or a race-related disinterest. Honourable mention: Santa Claus.

Tolerance: Tolerance is a seemingly innocent word that has pretty deplorable connotations. Encouraging people to be tolerant of other cultures, races, and religion, is akin to saying - ‘It’s alright not to like them, we don’t either, but please, try not to say anything.’ Honourable mention: Tampon.

Directly related to the Woomera issue, and Sudan, and Islam, is an undertone of Otherness. Australia’s island mentality sometimes prevents it from engaging seriously in the multiculturalism it claims to embrace. What is the difference between trying to maintain ‘coherent national identity’ and racism?

Yakutsk:

Zealots: People believe in things. Some believe things half-heartedly, some entirely, some with such extreme enthusiasm that they need to tell everyone else about their beliefs and try and get them to agree. It is an immediate warning sign when someone believes in something with such passion that they are yelling it on the streets and shoving related pamphlets into your hands.

Care to add to the list? Are there any words so taboo we didn’t mention them? Email us at editorial@utsvertigo.com.

Urethra: A man would have swab stuck down this passage if he was worried about having gonorrhea. Fluids come out of it and it just seems like it’s too narrow for anything to fit back in. Though there is a Chuck Palahniuk story about somebody dripping candle-wax into that tube and finding it gratifying (initially).

Honourable mention: Unionism.

VERTIGO ISSUE SIX . 9

INTERVIEW

The Stack is Back!

“Tupac works at In‘n’Out Burger” - Shaun Diviney

With two commercially successful albums and unequivocal talent, Short Stack truly is a force to be reckoned with.

Ava Nirui caught up with the high-profile, musically-gifted frontman, Shaun Diviney, to chat about pancakes, Tupac and Short Stack’s exclusively under-15 fan base.

Do you guys have any key influences?

How did Short Stack form as a band?

Blink-182, just so we could hang out with them for a day.

We went to school together, we got a train to school. We all sort of liked the same kind of music and yeah, it went from there.

Shame they’re dead though!

What are the origins of the name ‘Short Stack’?

Didn’t they have one song? Then they just sort of disappeared?

It’s nothing too amazing to tell you the truth. Lots of bands have really cool stories about their name. It was over breakfast, we needed a name to enter a band competition and we went with ‘Short Stack’. It stuck.

Ah, the next question was going to be ‘are you aware that Short Stack is…’

A sexual position?

Well no… I was going to say Canadian pancakes, but that’s nice to know! What inspires you musically?

I think our appeal is that we write about what we know.

All I really know about is growing up, life experiences and relationships. Some people consider that to be an experienced level and others see it as very naïve and amateur.

But I think the key to our success is that we are relatable and we write about what we know.

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Yeah we all grew up listening to Blink-182 and Green Day! If you could collaborate with any artist who would it be?

No, they’re back!

The album is coming! It’s coming!

It’s on its way… just wait another decade guys! But seriously, why did you cut your hair?

It was an industry response, we wrote our first album and we wanted to be taken seriously as musicians as fucking everyone does, so to get people to stop talking about our hair we cut it all off.

I liked your hair. It was amazing… so much hairspray.

The bass player still has it though, so people can recognise him at bars.

Are you guys musically trained?

I’m a fourth grade piano player and that’s about as far as it goes. It means fuck all anyways.

So did you start learning the guitar when you started the band?

How was it supporting American and Canadian poppunk bands like Good Charlotte and Simple Plan?

Yeah. We liked Sum 41 and all those other horrible 90s punkrock bands, so we thought we could do it too. The songs are so simple - they’re pretty much just chords by numbers. Brady has been playing the drums his whole life and Andy pretty much picked up the bass as well.

It was nuts! You grow up looking up to them and then you make friends with them.

So is Short Stack more punk or pop?

I’d be doing exactly what you’re doing. Interviewing some D-grade celebrity. Yeah I went to university and did communications for a bit. I wanted to write for Rolling Stone and I did it! So when I go back to journalism when this goes to shit, I have something in my portfolio.

I think we’ve gone over to the dark side as we have grown up, mainly because the punk genre is dying. We’re influenced by it, but now we’re just doing what works for us best creatively.

Why do you guys think that you have such a young fan base?

I think it’s because we are so young ourselves. I don’t like any bands younger than us. Our fans are starting to grow up and instead of going nuts at us at a shopping centre, they try to get us to buy them a drink at a club!

Do you think web networking sites such as Myspace or YouTube have helped you guys gain commercial success?

I think we were the first band in Australia to do it. Many overseas artists, like Lily Allen, or bands we look up to, like Fall Out Boy, embraced it, so when I saw them doing it I was like ‘we should do it!’ Part of it was because we were 15 and couldn’t play in pubs. But we still had to do the hard yards and play gigs, rather than getting signed straight off the Internet.

What do you think your career would be if you didn’t get into music?

Do you have any phobias?

I can’t do snakes. We went to Splendour in the Grass, got massively fucked up and stayed at this church hostel that was about $10 a night. A giant python was crawling out of the roof - that’s when I discovered my phobia of snakes.

Do you think Tupac is alive?

Yeah! Doesn’t he work at In ‘n’ Out Burger?

Doesn’t he live in New Zealand? That’s what I read! Apparently he is with Biggie in New Zealand. What’s next for Short Stack?

We have the ‘This is Bat Country’ tour and then we have a DVD coming out! We’re currently working on the third album.

VERTIGO ISSUE SIX . 11

Trivial Disputes Is it acceptable to ride a scooter if you’re over 14 years old?

James and Ava duke it out over whether Razor scooters still have their edge.

YES:

NO:

James Bourne

Ava nirui

As a politics student, there is simply nothing cooler than plans that secure our nation’s future prosperity. It is for this single reason that riding scooters is immensely cool.

That’s right: scooters are the panacea to all of our social ills.

The tween scooter street gangs that have popped up across suburbia in the last 12 months offer great hope for the future of our nation. These young eco-warriors refuse the highcarbon options of Mum’s car or the bus to the shops, for they have the convenience of low-cost, high-efficiency personal transport that can be folded neatly away at the home or office.

Indeed, scooters are the closest thing humanity may ever have to the jetpacks or rocket boots to which man has long aspired, albeit with none of the environmentally-disastrous side effects.

So while our scientists waste their time looking for some sort of perpetual motion device and our politicians propose a tax on pollution, Australia’s youth have stumbled upon, and embraced, God’s own form of super-efficient, uber-cool personal transport.

Had these young geniuses been born just 25 years earlier, we may have been able to avoid the GFC, too. Say, for instance, that everyone rode their scooter to work instead of walking and saved just five minutes per day, they would make up over 20 hours of work per year per person - which, with my rudimentary understanding of economics, I have determined to be an irrefutably good thing. Indeed, a strong scooterriding culture means a strong economy.

These visionary children will be our doctors, lawyers, businessmen and politicians of the future. And who knows, some of them might even go on to win gold for Australia in the 50-kilometre scooter event at the inevitable 2024 Olympics in Qatar, before backing up that medal by winning the inaugural ice-scooter race at the 2026 Winter Olympics on the snowy, 42-degrees-in-the-shade slopes of Doha, Qatar, and then, obviously, defending their title at the 2030 Qatar Olympics (I think you get the picture). Australians love nothing more than a homegrown champion and already it’s clear that we’re grooming a Scooter-Racing Golden Generation.

So call them what you like - innovators, world-beaters, Olympic champions, future Nobel Prize winners, or even those kids down the road with the scooters. But uncool delinquents?

Hardly.

As an eleven year old, all I wanted from life was a genuine Razor scooter and season 2 of Sabrina the Teenage Witch on VHS. Not only would a Razor scooter grant me serious street cred – but it would also assist me in my menacing speed demon ways. For months I hassled my parents, using various methods to insist to them that a Razor scooter would better my life experiences. Although my malicious threats were unsuccessful, Christmas rolled around, ensuring that gifts and scooters were a plenty. A slender box wrapped in tissue paper and cellophane perched gently under the tree. Certain that I had succeeded in my Razor mission, I tore open the wrapping paper savagely, digging my gummy fingers into the ribbons.

However, as the gift was revealed – a sense of deceit and panic struck. The words before sliced violently through my soul. Blade, the imitation feared by culturally inclined 11 year olds. ‘What the fuck is this?’ I remarked. My parents looked at me, befuddled. This was a dark time in my life. For months I was the class monkey, the playground clown, not to mention a notorious outcast and loner.

Luckily, as high school rolled around, scooters became obsolete and new more exciting trends infiltrated the schoolyard. Sadly however, a new wave of scooter enthusiasts has emerged in recent times – these fanatics being namely lads and businessmen. Tall men awkwardly lean over the $89.95 travel device, swinging their feet frantically to power its abysmal wheels. The most awkward part about this movement however, is that the perpetrators are completely oblivious to the evidently pathetic nature of non-motorised scooter usage.

Deluded and reckless, these tools are under the impression that scooters, originally intended for children, grant them some form of ‘cool status’ among the wider population of Australia. As their toupees and polo caps fly gracefully in the wind, they slither around and wink at all the disgusted females who pass them.

Furthermore, these dickheads are heinously behind the times.

Scooters, especially the non-motorised variety, are a wildly out-dated craze. These two-wheeled monstrosities repel even 5 year olds. Scooters well and truly are the skateboard for the ill-informed plebeian. Case closed.

While James Bourne lacks the basic coordination needed to ride a scooter, he would happily accept endorsement deals from leading scooter manufacturers.

Ava Nirui is far too cool to ride scooters, preferring buses to get around town - though sometimes getting evicted courtesy of her “Vertigo: Get Fucked” tote bag.

12 . ISSUE SIX VERTIGO

Defamer

the

ISSUE ONE VERTIGO

The Newspaper Nelson Mandela would read if he knew of its existence FREE SHARK

Ask the disemboweled corpse of your newsagent

EXTRA: Can Will and Kate create a new British Empire?

The answer? No.

“News Of The World Scandal was Rupert’s Fault”

Our secret tapes uncover the truth, our own hypocrisy

Unemployed News of the World editors to join Vertigo EXCLUSIVE Anna Watanabe

Will do anything for a story.

Like, anything, name your price Vertigo will be taking on a more “worldly” reportage style as it welcomes the sudden arrival of four new editorial members from London’s recently defunct News of the World office. The new editors will join Vertigo as of semester two and bring their years of experience and “unconventional but effective” reportage skills to the team.

New Defamer editor, Rebekah Brooks, said she is excited to be given a second chance .

“Vertigo is wonderful and I’m so glad to be able to work on such a hard hitting paper, but I think there’s room for improvement,” “For starters, our office is just above where

Abbott: Would rather suffocate than pay a tax, and so should you

Breathing will be taxed: Abbott Roger Follicle Political Editor and Occasional Sarah Palin Impersonator Tony Abbott’s paranoia about the Carbon Tax has reached a new level, with the Opposition Leader claiming that the tax will extend to breathing.

In his latest parliamentary attack on the scheme, Abbott confessed his fear that people everywhere were counting the amount of times he exhaled.

the vice-chancellor parks and down the hall from the Union Centre. We’re in a perfect location to really break stories,” said Brooks. Former Defamer editor, James Bourne, was overheard to be disappointed at the leadership change but admitted Vertigo could use some hard news.

former News of the World Editor and head of communications for the British Government, Andy Coulson.

New roles have also opened up for the original eight editors.

“Don’t tell anyone, but all of first semester’s Defamer was totally made up. At least this way we’re actually defaming real people about real things.”

Three editors and one regular contributor, all of whom have had close connections to News Ltd. will be heavily featured in each issue’s editorial and new, “You can’t spell UTS without ‘US’” opinion section.

The train James was riding then went through a tunnel and mobile reception cut out so Vertigo was not able to collect any more information. Under their new editorial staff, Vertigo is also considering a new prison-correspondent position, pending the result of charges faced by

Brooks insists that the four individuals employment and internships with News Ltd. have nothing to do with the promotions.

“It’s not like Rupert Murdoch is running some sort of nepotistic corporation. He’s simply training up his own SS league of secret journalists for his own betterment.”

“There are people, they’re everywhere, and they’re counting the amount of carbon we’re breathing into the atmosphere,” a slightly frenzied Abbott said in yesterday’s parliamentary sitting.

“I’ve taken to minimising the breathing I do, and holding my breath whenever possible. I’d urge all Australians to stand up for their right to breathe at the next election.”

In an unprecedented misunderstanding of government policy and bout of paranoia from the oxygen-loving triathlete and part time Opposition Leader, Abbott made very clear that from his understanding of the policy, each gram of carbon-dioxide exhaled will incur a $23 ‘tax’ on the person breathing.

Abbott claimed the Coalition was now the only pro-breathing alternative in Australian politics.

“We believe that Australians should be free to breathe as often as they please.

Since the days of Menzies, our Liberal Party has always been looking out for the values Australians hold most dear, notably breathing.

“This is just the latest in a string of anti-respiratory policies from the Gillard

Government. To this day they’re still letting people into the country who want nothing other than to breathe our air- and no we’re going to be taxed to do it ourselves?”

The Leader of the Coalition then refused to continue his diatribe for fear of exhaling more carbon dioxide.

Prime Minister Gillard was reported to have cried at the claims.

INSIDE “I’d kill to be a professional chef”Masterchef announces colloseum-style death matches in a bid to lift ratings - TV LIFTOUT Greece to sell assets to cure debt woesBritain offer to take them off their hands, house them next to the marbles - WORLD, page 53.2 Crowds go Gaga for pop star- Obviously it’s Lady Gaga, that pun was pretty obvious - SCIENCE, page 339 VERTIGO ISSUE SIX . 13

defamerSPORT

with sports reporter Chips Shetlandpony

Diamonds overcome Chad to claim World Netball Championship Australia’s all conquering netball team has claimed a record 115th straight World Netball championship after overcoming Central African powerhouse, Chad. In one of the closest finishes to a netball international in years, the Diamonds scraped through against their highly fancied rivals by the relatively narrow margin of 124-16.

Australia’s captain Catherine Cox was ecstatic with her side’s performance under pressure.

“The weight of expectation was pretty heavy,” Cox admitted.

“We’ve got a winning culture in the sidewhich I guess has a lot to do with the fact that we’ve never lost a match. So for the girls to come through and win again shows our team’s character.”

The result caps off a strong tournament for the Australians, who beat Madagascar and Tajikistan in the quarter and semi finals respectively to play off for the coveted trophy. The 145-4 victory over the Madagascans was a low point for the girls in Green and Gold.

“After beating Madagascar by less than 150 goals for the first time in our history, we really had to bounce back strongly,” said goal shooter Cox, who finished the tournament with 846 goals from over a thousand attempts.

“So to put 200 past Tajikistan and not concede a goal was a really pleasing performance.”

The Chad captain, Charity Mwanza, was humble in defeat.

“Australia were just too good for us

today,” she conceded.

“We gave ourselves every chance today.

To score 16 goals was a really excellent effort from the girls, considering our goal shooters hadn’t seen a net until two weeks ago.”

Some commentators pointed the Chad’s lack of netball courts as a deciding factor in the contest, but Mwanza didn’t agree.

“Netball’s about more than having courts to play on- it’s about passion, a love for the game, and a great attitiude, all of which we pride ourselves of in Chad.

“Obviously, though, court access, ability and a knowledge of the basic rules of the sport also counts. We’ll have to work on those aspects of our game. That said, it’s nice to maintain our number two world ranking.”

Queensland to take on Western Australia in 2012 State of Origin

The Western Australian Rugby League Board has won the right to play the Queensland Maroons in next year’s State of Origin series.

Following the sunshine state’s sixth consecutive series victory, the ARL has decided to give another state a chance to end Queensland’s dominance.

“After much lobbying from the WARLB, we’ve decided to give them a shot at State of Origin,” ARL boss John Hines said.

“It’s become clear that New South Wales isn’t really the second best rugby league playing state anymore. Western Australia’s strong performances against Tasmania and the touring Ukrainian team have proven that they’re worthy of being called Australia’s second best league state.”

The ARL hope that the concept will breathe life into the increasingly stale format.

“People are getting sick of watching Queensland beat New South Wales every year,” Hines said.

“Now people will get to see the Queenslanders beat a different state each year, on a rotating basis. It’s something different that I think the viewing public will embrace.”

New South Wales coach Ricky Stuart said that, despite his disappointment, he’s looking forward to the challenge of facing a strong South Australian team in next year’s second-tier competition.

“We feel we’re a good chance to win a few games against the Southerners, sure,” Stuart said.

“As long as everyone’s at the top of their games, I very much doubt we’ll be seeing the South Australians winning more than, say, three series in a row”.

14 . ISSUE SIX VERTIGO

The Newly Crowned King Of Saudi Arabia

Messi crowned King of Saudi Arabia in landmark Premiership transfer

Argentine forward Lionel Messi has accepted a world record transfer from Manchester City to become the latest big name signing for the English club.

In an unprecedented offer, City’s Saudi owners have crowned Messi ‘King of Saudi Arabia’, giving the 24 year old maestro complete control over the Arab nation’s economy in return for his services.

The former Barcelona player is said he was pleased with the deal which sees him playing at the club for the rest of his mortal life.

“I want my family to be secure for life, so making this move made a lot of sense,” Messi said at a press conference earlier today.

“I hope I can repay the trust of the owners, if not the ludicrous amount of money they’re paying me, in goals and trophies for City.”

Manchester City manager, Roberto Mancini, said the deal represented great value for money.

“A player of Lionel’s quality is absolutely priceless to the side,” Mancini said.

“Although obviously, he has a price, which is approximately the GDP of an oil-rich Arabian nation. Frankly, if it helps us win the Champions League, he’ll be worth it.”

Prayer Network Crash Leaves Most Unaffected

defamerROMANCE

Kieran Boyd

Supernatural Affairs Editor and Central African Dictator

For the first time in over 2000 years of uninterrupted Christian prayer, a technical glitch has caused heaven’s ‘Prayer-Email’ server to crash, rendering the appeals of many worshippers unanswered.

Around 6.30 on Wednesday morning, the immense holy network shut down for a total of 5 Earth hours, during which no prayers to God Almighty were received, documented or responded to.

The exact source of the problem is yet to be identified, and angelic IT specialists are tentative to attribute the system error to any kind of malicious attack. Even so, the folks upstairs are concerned. Senior Email Analyst, St Scotty of Liverpool, said there was a very real chance of a hack.

“There have been many attempts to hack the prayer network over the millennia. But as long as there’s money in the collection plate, we can continue to forgive those who trespass against us.

And our firewall.”

Since early 2005, heaven has been running all of their adoration services on their own GodMail software, which has been subsequently redistributed here beneath the sky as the popular and easily recognisable Gmail.

“Yeah everyone thinks that the ‘G’ stands for Google. But no, ‘G’ stands for the G-Man Himself, the Big Kahuna, Big Brother, Him,” St Barry said.

“Google have just jumped onto the holy bandwagon and taken all the credit. Don’t be thinking that those squares are scoring many brownie points up here, oh no!”

Despite the heavenly proportions of this celestial, systematic hiccup, the incident went mainly unnoticed by human users, due to the passive nature of the existing prayer request response procedures.

“Of course,” commented St Barry, “the server is purely archival – nothing is actually, technically acted upon. We can’t act on the whim and wish of every mortal. I mean, last week, one little girl prayed for a pony. A pony! Ha! That one scored a laugh around the holy-water cooler.”

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for Beelzebub has reiterated that there have been no issues for the equivalent server used in hell, Hotmail.

Still wondering how to nail the woman of you dreams? In part two of our incredibly popular series, Defamer’s Mike Bebernes completes his exhaustive guide to pleasing women.

Step 5. Oral Sex: Give her the honour of allowing her to perform it on you. She will be flattered.

6. Rhythm is Key: Nothing spoils a building orgasm like a loss of rhythm. One mistimed move can ruin several minutes worth of progress. Try getting a song in your head and following the bass line with your thrusts. All songs are built on a solid foundation of traditional rhythm, so you can’t go wrong. To start out, try “Stayin’ Alive” (thrust thrust thrust thrust stayin’ alive, stayin alive). “Another One Bites the Dust” is another good one for beginners. As you get experience, choose more complex music.

Pick something with speed changes to keep things entertaining. The Beatles’ “A Day in the Life” will keep her guessing. Songs that build in intensity are also great choices. “Stairway to Heaven” will have her singing like an angel. You can’t go wrong- though be careful not to pick any songs that go too long. The last thing you want to do is finish before you even get to the guitar solo in “Freebird.” (Warning: DO NOT under any circumstances try this technique using Slayer’s “Raining Blood” without the supervision of a medical professional.)

7. Critique yourself: We can all use a little constructive criticism now and then. Videotape you and your girl having sex (make sure she’s unaware of this so she doesn’t go all Sean Penn and overact the hell out of it).

Then, invite your friends over to help give you a variety of perspectives on your technique. It helps if you know someone with a Telestrator.

8. Performance Enhancing Drugs: The typical drugs associated with intercourse, alcohol and marijuana, are performance-inhibiting drugs. Not only will steroids give you a rocking bod, but imagine how into it she’ll be when she sees the animalistic intensity in your eyes and the throbbing veins in your neck. Also, ignore that old wives’ tale about the shrinking of your pleasure parts. It’s called Human Growth Hormone for a reason.

9. Care About Her Emotionally and Respect Her as a Woman. This one is hard.

There you go. With this system, you’ll never again hear the phrase, “Oh, yay. Good for you. That was… nice.”

Good luck and happy humping.

VERTIGO ISSUE SIX . 15

SHOWCASING

DIMITY KASZ Dimity Kasz sometimes takes photos. Most of the time using an old SLR film camera, because it is more inconvenient and a little bit more exciting than the instant gratification of digital. Mostly they are photos of “ugly” or traditionally “boring” things, because [to her] they are more exciting than “beautiful” or “nice” things. Obviously there is a lot of excitement in her life. These days, she mostly shoots in black and white because the starker the better, though sometimes sees the merit in using colour film.

She still likes nice things.

Moths, C type print, 2011

http://twentyeightpercent.blogspot.com/

Fresh, C type print, 2009

16 . ISSUE SIX VERTIGO

Amp, C type print, 2011

Circle Pit Angie, C type print, 2011

Ali Got Good Bruises, C type print, 2010

VERTIGO ISSUE SIX . 17

SHOWCASING PHOEBE ROSE KIRKWOOD

I slid from below the Earth To be with you in the rich soil of our ancient love.

In time, In space, In elemental force.

Unanswered hours, numbers & questions.

I wondered where to leave my keys, Why the ocean took so long to reach.

Mind your step this time, Take with you a flock of birds.

Your head touches my heart and the Earth will be still.

Our fish pond is real, &, clear, Another thumb is green, another gold, another turns another page of an enormous picture book.

Here you are, here’s your life in a bunch of flowers.

Open up, sit still, be mine: real.ity;

My suitcase is now empty, A tale curls long and ends somewhere here.

Your balloon sails now.

This egg is smooth & yours.

In the cloud I see vision, I see a whale, I see a worm-hole.

I am brave.

But a lonely ship sails in all weather.

Surround yourself with wings; learn to use them.

I let my maze confuse me.

I’ll trade with you my heart for yours but if you grow tired, An Indian-giver I will become.

One, two, 3, four, five.

Courage, wind, intrigue, nothing, rain.

The horn has been blown & out of the wake comes a voice, a flow, a wave.

18 . ISSUE SIX VERTIGO

Hold the cosmos in your fingertips, why not?

I’ve unlocked a code, That there is always a code.

Your abundance is open now.

The city is formed of minuscule connections, Plusses & minuses, Windmills of faces.

Open your eyes now, boys.

And in comes the sun, with light in its eyes & in cometh the whirlwind to fill up our minds.

We will distribute laughter.

I looked at your letter and drank it all in, The paper was real, real warm like your skin.

Thank you for telling my story, For being my voice.

VERTIGO ISSUE SIX . 19

Whether it was Harry’s sudden, protein-packed coming of age in Goblet of Fire that cemented, in your mind, your burgeoning sexuality; or the rude shock that the majority of your savings were spent on costumes to wear to the midnight premiere, each year, the Harry Potter series has had a special place in our childhoods.

So if you’re already saving up for the super-mega-deluxe blu-ray, holographic box set for your grandkids, or still checking the letterbox for your Hogwarts letter, lost in the mail all those years ago, Vertigo wanted to know how you felt about the end of an era.

20 . ISSUE SIX VERTIGO

“The two things I most prefer to have in my left hand are my penis and my copy of the Deathly Hallows.” – Nick “Harry Potter has bettered my life by giving me the chance to feel superior for knowing useless facts about a fictional world.” – Jacqui “It has given me a yearly film to get excessively excited over!” – Ethan “It taught me how to use my wand to Slytherin to girls’ pants” – Jake “Ginny Weasley kept my hope alive when the girls in my real life just didn’t get my heart racing.” – Bruce “I catch myself day dreaming about all the cute ranga kids Ron Weasley and I could create if we consummated our love.” – Caitlin “The most valuable life lessons of all: that even rangas can have friends and never poke a sleeping dragon in the eye.” – Jam “I was convinced the old factory near the ANZAC bridge was a magic school under Muggle cloaking and repelling spells disguising it as a rotting ruin” – Sophie “Nothing in the movies compares to my imagination. The whole saga constantly reminds me that I never got a letter from Hogwarts on my 11th birthday. If I had more words I would go on about how it has also enriched my life but I’m feeling jaded so whatever.” – Hannah “I’d never accuse HazP, however, my life is consumed by waiting for my Hogletter, and now that letter is a decade late, it’s difficult to eschew the crushing notion that I am, in fact, a Muggle.” – Steph

“I liked owls better before they sold out.” – Dominica “It destroyed my life when I woke up on my eleventh birthday to breakfast in bed and a pile of presents instead of Hagrid and a Hogwarts acceptance letter”– Katherine

“My best friend forces me to go to the opening midnight session every time one of the movies comes out. It messes with my midweek 11-7 sleeping pattern.”

– Rosie

“Realizing on my 11th birthday that I had more in common with Dudley than Harry was a brutally devastating moment.” – Henrietta

VERTIGO ISSUE SIX . 21

featured feature

Networked Improvisation Once upon a time, jamming involved going to a mate’s place - but put the Internet into the mix and opportunities to make music globally have become very real. Clare Blumer found out what you can do with an instrument, an Internet connection, and a whole lot of talent.

UTS’s Bachelor of Sound Design course will, for me, always be the ‘Sound of Music’ course, following an unfortunate misunderstanding during orientation week.

“Wow! Not only would the course involve frenzied singing atop mountains - there would be nuns (students) triumphing over Nazis (UTS bureaucracy). What a hip university!”

musical traditions, and they’re not in the same room?

You can imagine my disappointment, when, meeting with one of the course tutors, Roger Mills, he was not wearing lederhosen as he talked about his work in cross-cultural ‘networked improvisation’ - big words that mean ‘foreign musos jamming online’.

“But being a rather unruly teenager I decided I did not want to go into a classical orchestra and so explored jazz - and rock music,” Mills laughs, obviously embarrassed about his rocky past.

His PhD study asks the question: how do musicians create a performance or improvisation when they’re from different cultures and

Mills draws on his own childhood introduction to music - as a classical trumpeter.

Soon after high school he moved to London and then on to Bristol, where the burgeoning trip-hop scene was influencing mainstream audiences worldwide.

“I was there during the 1990’s with the early sort of exposure that Bristol was getting with Massive Attack and Portishead and I was in a group called Statik Sound System,” Mills recalls.

Profiting from a couple of albums and European tours with Statik, Mills set up his own sound studio and began a new career composing soundtracks for television, film, theatre and dance.

22 . ISSUE SIX VERTIGO

After twenty years in Britain he moved back to Australia and enrolled in a post-graduate course at UTS in Media Arts and Production. He then began research work in networked improvisation that very quickly turned into a PhD project tutoring for the brand-spanking new Sound and Music Design course.

So why would a trip-hop trumpeting academic be interested in the Internet?

“I’m proud to say I was one of a number of people who were there at the start working with networks and Internet performed music and audio,” he says.

“Particularly with my PhD I’m looking at the way different cultures negotiate in improvisation when they’re meeting for the first time, when they can’t see each other.

“Say for instance, in a traditional improvisation, you might see out of the corner of your eye someone tapping their foot on the floor.

And that’s marking some time for some other people in the room.

There might be some gestures.

The way they pick their instrument up - all these things are absent in a networked situation.”

“So I’m asking those questions – how do musicians negotiate that experience?”

Surprisingly well, according to Mills. He has been part of countless networked improvisations in the last decade and cannot recall one that fell apart.

In May this year, Mills and two of his Sound and Music Design students collaborated in an Internet jam with students in Perth.

“We started off with quite a sort of minimalist sort of soundscape of trumpet, decks with Jordan Dorjee, and Hugo Smart was playing guitar,” he explains.

The trio linked up with WA Academy of Performing Arts students at a live venue in Perth.

“They had four laptops there. They had a vocalist who was reciting poetry and singing from time to time and a keyboard player. And they were also processing what we were doing.”

“They were feeding in our stream and manipulating it through a program called Max/MSP. So not only would you hear yourself seven seconds later - you might hear yourself pitched up an octave or filtered so that it changed the nature of the sound that you made originally.”

“It became a revolving loop of indeterminacy.”

For his intercultural research, Mills works with a group here in Sydney that includes a Mongolian fiddle player and throat singer, and a Turkish oud and bendir playernot forgetting, of course, his own abilities as a classical trumpeter.

The Ethernet Orchestra has been experimenting with international improvisations, and a recent performance involved a drummer in Germany.

Mills recalls how the Turkish percussionist adjusted the frenetic time signatures of Turkish-style music to accommodate the fourfour time used by the German drummer. The orchestra also played live on FBi radio earlier in the year.

“Those performances were both very successful and I think it’s testament to how musicians adapt and I’m interested in what they’re doing when they’re making those adaptations,” Mill says.

Listening to the recordings it’s hard to believe that the musicians are in separate cities. The existence of this new genre of music is starting a whole new conversation about the universal language of music – no matter how disparate its cultural origins.

Listen to the UTS and WAAPA@ ECU Sound Spectrum recording here: http://ethernetorchestra.netpraxis. net/info/?page_id=225

24 . ISSUE SIX VERTIGO

iLOST

Kieran Boyd

Recently, I got lost. In Sydney. Driving. At night. And it wasn’t my fault.

It was Apple’s.

You’d think that navigating home from North Sydney wouldn’t be that difficult for a smart, young, handsome UTS student. Particularly when they’ve checked their route beforehand, are equipped with a handy street directory, and there’s no distracting traffic on the road.

But you’d be very, very wrong. Early that cursèd Tuesday morning, between midnight and 1:30am, everything that could possibly go wrong, did, and I found myself seriously lost.

My journey took me through Chatswood, Lane Cove, St Leonards, Artarmon, back to Lane Cove, then again to St Leonards, where I became stuck in a hell-hole of one-way streets for a good ten minutes. If you’re not familiar with North Sydney, all you need to know is this: that was a long frickin’ trip. If you are familiar with this twisted region of the world, however, please contact me to explain where exactly I was. Despite what I’ve searched on Google Maps since that day, I’m certain that I somehow warped time and space during my time on the road.

In the end, I was only able to escape the concrete confines of Crows Nest by pulling over and asking for directions from a parked cabbie, who, in my deranged state, was more like a wise Jedi than a late night chauffeur/psychologist.

And this is my point. In the hours of retrospection following my ‘adventure’, clutching my pillow as if clinging to reality itself, I realised that for approximately, oh, I dunno, 100% of my time driving, I did not have the slightest clue as to where I was. As soon as I hit the freeway, I was bombarded with cryptic signage promising far-off lands and distant suburbs. Like Epping. And Willoughby. And Woop-Woop.

What these signs failed to identify was exactly where I was at that point in time, or even which cardinal direction I was heading. Even if I was able to find a side-road to pull into, I didn’t know what page of the UBD I was on, let alone which suburb! 195?

207? Tell me, you damned green-and-white billboards of deception!

On that note, when did street signs become so out-of-the way and hard-to-spot?

It’s like the ‘Where’s Wally?’ of signposts, but not the nice paperback version that you can put down for solving later. Nooo-oooo, it’s the TV series version, where you sit unnaturally close to the static-inducing CRT screen, scanning a ridiculously lowresolution image for a hint of red-and-white, as Wally’s hand is slowly ticking, ticking away what’s left of your quickly diminishing dignity and sanity.

And you know what? I don’t blame the State Government for a lack of proper road safety and information. They’ve copped enough flack for that.

No, I blame technology. Society assumes there’s a Navman or TomTom or <insert unpopular brand> GPS system in every car, or worse still an iPhone or Android or <insert unpopular brand> smart phone ready to direct drivers with mechanical precision. And if you’re even a month behind the bell curve, you find yourself up shit creek. (Quite literally, if driving near the coast.)

Not that these products help at all. Every conversation with an iPhone navigator goes something like this: “I think we’re lost.” “There’s an app for that!” “Oh sweet ... So, which way are we going?” “Oh, sorry, was just updating my FB status. One sec.” “Right ... So which way?” “Hang on, it’s loading.” “Now?” “There’re grey boxes covering the map.” “NOW?” “One box to go.” “NOW?!” “Wait. We aren’t in Victoria, are we?” “OMIGOD WE’RE NEVER LEAVING OUR DRIVEWAY!” So beware, everyone. The mean streets of the wild North are a scary place. Just make sure you pack your sense of direction, because you’re sure as hell going to need it!

VERTIGO ISSUE SIX . 25

FOOD

Gemma Kaczerepa

The Best Vegan and Vego Joints Around Sydney

Most people roll their eyes at the thought of having to accommodate for a non-meat eater, but these Sydney eateries prove it’s really quite EASY to go meat free. Vertigo reviews the best hotspots for vegans and vegetarians.

Maya Masala, 468/472 Cleveland Street, Surry Hills

This is the vegetarian alternative to the Maya Da Dhaba restaurant directly across the street, but although here they skip the meat, they definitely don’t skimp on flavour. Rich and fragrant curries are in abundance, filled with a bevy of interesting vegetables and legumes. Order the thali for a measly $14.90 and receive a stainless steel smorgasbord of different curries, as well as rice, bread and pickles. If your pants are still a little roomy, fill the gap with one of their famed Indian sweets (pictured) - it may seem disgustingly gluttonous but you definitely won’t regret it.

Peace Harmony, 44 Erskine Street, Sydney

Sure you’ve tried the trusted Green Gourmet, but if you’ve had it with the bain-marie, come to vegan restaurant Peace Harmony for a little more class. It’s familiar Thai food but with a bit of tweaking - mock meat is creatively transformed into familiar favourites such as pad thai, green curry and spring rolls. It might seem a little strange at first but don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it. Highlights include the BBQ soy “chicken”, roasted “duck” salad and the herbal “barramundi”, all under $17 and all as good as the real thing.

Funky Pies, 2/144-148 Glenayr Avenue, Bondi Beach

A good old meat pie is a quintessential Aussie fix, but for a vego or vegan it’s another story. Funky Pies makes sure non-meat eaters aren’t left out by offering up mock meat and vegetables contained in – believe it or not – completely vegan pastry. There’s a Thai-style “chicken” filling, as well as shiitake mushroom, pumpkin and lentil and chickpea. The café’s ecofriendly, too, making it one pastry stop you won’t have to feel guilty about visiting.

Gelato Blue, 318 King Street, Newtown

Think creamy ice-cream’s impossible without cream, milk and eggs? Think again. Gelato Blue has a fantastic range of vegan gelato that manages to stray away from the tired icey fruit sorbets. There’s banana split, fruits of the forest and fig, each buttery soft and full of good flavour. Even chocolate is possible and is done with aplomb: it’s rich and velvety and utterly devious - you’d never guess it was dairy-free.

26 . ISSUE SIX VERTIGO

Caitlin Murray

FASHION

­­ONLINE FASHIONISTAS

Have money to blow? Do want to shop? Don’t want to leave your cosy couch?

Hit up these online clothing stores for the latest in fashion trends.

ASOS This is the online fashion store of all online fashion stores!

Thousands of brands for both guys and girls including American Apparel, Nudie Jeans, Kookai, Sass & Bide, Seafolly and Guess. Asos also offers the latest fashion trend advice, so whether you’re going to be a “pure rebel” or a “rogue varsity” this season, Asos is the place to find your latest look!

Oh, and for a limited time only they have FREE worldwide delivery. www.asos.com

TOPSHOP/TOPMAN Via their website, the British Topshop fashion experience can come to you – hallelujah! No one does a cute floral summer dress like Topshop or a skinny suit like Topman. And with their free worldwide shipping when you spend over 75 pounds, it is a win-win situation. But if you still haven’t satisfied your Topshop cravings, you can follow them on Twitter or Facebook and get the Topshop “Today’s Daily Fix” revealing what’s hot now. www.topshop.com

OH DEER VINTAGE Sick of trawling through Vinnies and op shops with no success? Hit up Australian online vintage and retro boutique, Oh Deer Vintage. They’ve done all the hard work for you hundreds of one-off vintage garments have been styled into quirky looks for both guys and gals and can be yours with the click of a button. www.ohdeervintage.com

STYLE TREAD Midnight shoe craving? Jump on Style Tread, Australia’s number one online shoe store! Catering for both male and female feet, Style Tread offers hundreds of international and Australian designers, including Peep Toe and Gorman. Plus they offer FREE delivery! www.styletread.com.au

VERTIGO ISSUE SIX . 27

28 . ISSUE SIX VERTIGO

1,855 27,128

1,268 20,671 69,188

SRC

53839

123,374

Profit/(Loss)

8,820

5,402

Depreciation

62,659

128,776 -

3,399 745,795

8,161 700,398

85,250

Income Tax

Profit/(Loss) before tax and dep’n

Orientation

152,051 28,175 969

167,823 32,746 -

Education Vertigo Magazine Membership Campaigns and activities Council elections

251,046

232,018

Bookshop

175,922 20,000

143,523 25,000

-

1,164 72,787 12,231

2,501 74,628 248 227,532 12,841 808,454

363 1,536

364 -

221,627 30,591 829,175

480,000

499,216

2009 $

EXPENDITURE Administration Grants

Bookshop sales Vertigo advertising

Funding Campaigns and activities Orientation Member subscriptions Interest received Sundry income

INCOME STATEMENT FOR THE YEAR ENDED 31 DECEMBER 2010 2010 $ REVENUE

TOTAL EQUITY

Retained earnings

EQUITY

NET ASSETS

TOTAL LIABILITIES

Short term provisions Total Current Liabilities

CURRENT LIABILITIES Trade and other payables

TOTAL ASSETS

NON-CURRENT ASSETS Property, plant and equipment Total Non-Current Assets

Total Current Assets

CURRENT ASSETS Cash and cash equivalents Trade and other receivables Other current assets

1,740,474

1,863,848

1,863,848

1,740,474

1,740,474

39,060

76,852

1,863,848

39,060

76,852

1,779,534

1,940,701

30,377 8,683

11,839

6,437

59,676 17,176

11,839

1,767,695

7,543 -

1,760,152

2009 $

6,437

1,934,264

31,371 -

1,902,893

BALANCE SHEET AS AT 31 DECEMBER 2010 2010 $

UNIVERSITY OF TECHNOLOGY SYDNEY STUDENTS’ ASSOCIATION

Words: ETHAN TUXFORD

.......................

FEATURED REVIEW

The Sydney Film Festival: Still Providing Originality & Excitement after 58 Years

..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

After allowing myself time to come down from the euphoric state that was this years Sydney Film Festival, I was able to clearly find a way to describe this years event in just one word, ‘original.’ Every one of the 161 films on offer from over 42 countries contained a refreshing originality. While this wasn’t to every film’s advantage, it was amazing to see such a variety of films be unafraid of risktaking in a winter of regular theatrical releases so full of sequels, adaptations, and remakes.

Some of these films, regardless of their originality, disappointed my original expectations - 33 Postcards and Take Shelter being two prominent examples, while others had me utterly captivated and begging for more. These are the films that deserve public recognition but fail to be heard outside of the Newtown Dendy scene, perhaps partly because of their risk-taking. But if it is originality you are craving after the Blockbuster holiday season, consider the following films for your next Cheap Tuesday out at the movies:

The Tree of Life (in cinemas now) While I loved The Tree of Life, I must stress that like the Cannes Film Festival audience found, it will divide audiences, and you will either love it or hate it. Regardlesss, it can be agreed upon by all viewers that this is a film overflowing with originality and ambition, and it is this which makes director Terrence Malick such an incredible artist. And while not everyone will agree with his interpretations of evolution, God, and life; the masterful way in which he executes it cannot be denied. For me, the The Tree of Life is a beautiful and poetic journey that captures the true heart and essence of life, and the presence God may or may not have in it. It invites us to look a little closer into our own lives, and offers wide scope for thought.

The Beaver (In cinemas August 4) The Beaver tells the story of Walter Black (Mel Gibson), a severely depressed man, living a life that appears completely drained of any form of happiness. That is until he meets ‘The Beaver,’ a discarded puppet who provides Walter with an escape from reality by offering to take over his life.

Through director Jodie Foster’s commitment to a realistic and balanced story, the film encourages the audience to not only appreciate the confronting issues associated with depression but also the universal importance of embracing your own reality regardless of how harsh or unbearable it may seem.

Jane Eyre (In cinemas August 11) Cary Fukunaga’s (Sin Nombre) dark adaptation of Charlotte Brönte’s classic is utterly mesmerising to watch. Besides the high quality set and costume design, typical of great British period cinema, the cast is superb. Mia Wasikowska (The Kids Are All Right, Alice in Wonderland) brings great maturity and depth to the incredibly layered character of Jane Eyre. Her screen presence is equally matched by Michael Fassbender (X-Men: First Class, Inglorious Basterds), whose Mr. Rochester is both dislikable and understandable at the same time. Even for those who have not read the book, which I haven’t, this film is an enjoyable experience.

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REVIEWS MUSIC

James Bourne

THEATRE

Justin Wolfers

BOY & BEAR MOONFIRE

The Farnsworth Invention New Theatre, 13th July - 13th August

One of 2011’s most anticipated Australian releases has finally arrived. Moonfire, the debut from Sydney band - Triple J favourites - Boy & Bear, aims to deliver on the considerable hype that’s surrounded the band over the past 12 months.

Having toured extensively on the back of their outstanding debut EP, With Emperor Antarctica, and supported the likes of Angus & Julia Stone and Laura Marling, the five-piece have impressed countless punters, and even earned the admiration of Marcus Mumford of Mumford and Sons. And frankly, on first listen, once you take the iconic banjo that made Mumford’s band such a hit and replace it with the piano melodies that litter the album, Moonfire doesn’t sound all that different from Sigh No More. From the driving guitar solos to the constant harmonies to the thoughtful lyrics, Boy & Bear run the risk of sounding like a Mumford and Sons tribute band - and only just manages to stick clear of such a tag.

Thankfully, there is more to Moonfire than that, but it is a difficult album to judge it on its own merits. While tracks like ‘The Only One’ and ‘Milk and Sticks’ showcase the band’s obvious qualities, their similarity in sound to the British band was a little off-putting.

And besides those two tracks and excellent lead single, ‘Feeding Line’, there are few standout tracks on the album. While it might have been unfair to expect 10 tracks of such quality, the remaining songs lack the musical and lyrical hooks that have earned the band airplay and acclaim.

The lengthy penultimate track, Beach, builds and builds but never quite explodes into sound as you’d expect it to, and you feel that the band’s strength lies in its shorter, tighter tracks, like the up-tempo ‘Golden Jubilee’ and catchy ‘Part Time Believer’. The little interludes, ‘Percy Warner Park’ and ‘The Village’, while lovely, are unsatisfying at just one minute long- and leaves the album at essentially nine complete tracks that quickly peter out after a strong start.

While this solid debut is sure to win over fans of the band and lovers of the nu-folk sound, it’s not likely to win over many new fans.

The only hype surrounding The Farnsworth Invention is that it’s a play by Aaron Sorkin (The Social Network, The West Wing, A Few Good Men), but it pays off, because this New Theatre production is snappy, succinct, and very enjoyable.

The play is a dual biography of Philo Farnsworth (Damian Sommerlad), the boy genius who invented television, and David Sarnoff (Patrick Connolly), the RCA president who stole the idea from him. It was originally written in 2004 as a television script that never aired, and Sorkin later adapted the idea for theatre -so it retains the scene-based, dialogue-driven feel that has made him so sought after as a screenwriter.

Directed by Louise Fischer, it chronicles Farnsworth and Sarnoff’s respective lives without fuss or pretension - from their beginnings in small town Idaho and the USSR, to big business in New York and San Francisco. The young Farnsworth thinks he can transmit a moving image electronically, and toils away trying to get some financial backing for his outlandish idea; and Sarnoff works his way from messenger boy to communications mogul, investing in radio in the 1920s when no one saw it as having a future. Hard work and perseverance are therein cemented as the core themes of the play, as we witness two visionaries sending the trajectory of their cultures in directions never thought possible.

The rest of the cast take on multiple roles as family, mentors, and accomplices to the two leads, but they’re mostly sketches of characters, filling out the scenes but never really fleshing the personalities beyond what is necessary to advance the story. That being said, it works fine, because Connolly and Sommerland’s performances are charismatic and strong, Fischer drawing them out toward the audience as both lead characters and narrators.

Connolly embodies swagger and grit reminiscent of Mad Men’s Roger Sterling, and Sommerland commands attention with his brilliance and idealism. It is above all an inspiring play, suggesting that “we were meant to be explorers.” Through the lens of early radio and television, it questions the potentialities of our future, and asks us to muster the faith and drive that saw those before us succeed.

Essentially it looks at an earlier technological period through the lens of The Social Network; and its staging is far from revolutionary, often quite vanilla in its dynamic; but the delivery of Sorkin’s dialogue is sharp, and the performances are earnest enough to excite us and urge us forward into adventure and invention.

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INTERNET

Matthew Fraser

EXHIBITION

ANNA WATANABE

Google+

Persons of Interest: The ASIO Files 18 June 2011 – 29 April 2012

Google’s answer to Facebook, Google+, has finally arrived, and beta-testing invites are being passed around like a secret society.

While a lot of it feels like a simple re-badging of its familiar features, Google’s added some new toys to play with which make it worth using.

The primary method of interaction over Google+ are Circles.

Whenever you add somebody on Google+, you put them in one of these Circles. There are a few default Circles – family, friends, acquaintances and so on – but you can define your own. What Circle you place somebody in essentially sets the privacy rules for what you do and do not want to share with them. Whenever you make a post, you decide what Circles it gets shared with – and when you add someone to a Circle, they don’t know which one you’ve placed them in.

This is all part of Google’s answer to Facebook’s lacklustre privacy record. It promotes Google+ as the privacy-friendly alternative, with an easier interface for restricting what information you share and who you share it with.

Another interesting feature is called Sparks. A Spark feed acts like an aggregation service. You set a tag in Sparks and it feeds you articles, blogs and videos which fall under the interest you put in, and allows you to share that with specific Circles. You can also chat with your circles using Hangouts, allowing group chat, even conference video call, with up to 10 people.

The mobile app has a few interface troubles, but in general, Google has learned their lesson from Buzz and Wave. It feels like Facebook with some nice added extras. But what remains to be seen is if social media inertia can be broken. Users are going to go where their friends are, and that is the sword by which Google+ will live or die.

What do David Stratton, Eddie Mabo and Michael Kirby have in common?

They were amongst the 500,000 Australians who had ASIO files opened on them, since the bureau was launched in 1949.

And while it’s kind of understandable why politically active figures like Kirby and Mabo would be watched by Australia’s intelligence organisation, apparently David Stratton was considered a threat to national security because he visited the Soviet Embassy and watched Russian films.

The Persons of Interest: The ASIO Files exhibition at the Police Justice Museum is a short but fascinating insight into the early days of ASIO when a Soviet spy-ring posed a real threat to Australian, and international security. By the late 50s – early 60’s the bureau began to target and closely monitor anyone with ‘outlandish’ political views from environmental groups like Friends of the Earth to the more obvious Communist Party of Australia.

The exhibit is based on a series of recently declassified files on people who ASIO shadowed very closely and includes secret video footage, tapped phone calls, photos and excerpts of various case files. The video footage is particularly interesting, showing not only the mundane but thorough work of the ASIO officer, but also providing a snapshot of various Sydney suburbs like Redfern, Chatswood, Manly and Baulkham Hills in the 1960s.

Our twisted interest in the world of crime and secrecy make the display instantly absorbing but it was disappointingly short. Like all features exhibits at the Police Justice Museum, it was only two rooms long. Most videos were not accompanied by sound so a “seen one, you’ve seen the all” feeling develops very quickly.

And although so much time is spent talking about how and why various suspects were shadowed for so long, there’s no “ending” to their story. A follow-up interview or even brief summation of the suspects’ lives, post-ASIO, would have been interesting and given the exhibit a feeling of completion.

Persons of Interest: The ASIO Files Police Justice Museum // Cnr Phillip and Albert Streets, Circular Quay Adult - $10 Concession - $5 Family - $20

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PLACES TO GO...

You’re Looking to Dump a Body

Forget first dates, forget feeling lonely, hungry, horny or high.

It’s the beginning of Semester Two and it’s time we got serious.

We’re not going to ask you why, we’re just going to tell you how.

- LUCIEN ALPERSTEIN

Belanglo State Forest Ivan Milat, the old dog, got away with dumping the bodies of countless backpackers in the Belanglo Forest up until the mid-nineties. The forest, only a few hours out of Sydney, is a labyrinth of roads and biking trails and it’d be just as easy to get lost and end up a rotting skeleton as it would be to leave a body. Last year more remains were found, old and unidentifiable. Milat was accused, of course, but it was proven he was already behind bars at the time the body would have been dumped - a success for the 2010 dumper! While you’d earn zero points for creativity or cunning, it’s a safe bet to hide a dark secret.

UTS Building Two dumpster, Level Two Walk into the main doors of the tower building, down the main flight of stairs to the left, turn left at the bottom. When someone asks you what you’re dragging in the black bag, look annoyed and tell them you study Architecture or Industrial Design. If they don’t leave you alone look them in the eyes and say, “I haven’t slept, I’ve been working on this all night.” Both are true. Continue down the flight of stairs and lever your old enemy over the railing and into the dumpster on Level Two below. Thump! Turn right, pick up a box of veggies from the Food Co-op and head to your lecture.

Kippax Street, Surry Hills It took neighbouring residents eight years to discover the bones of an old recluse who resided between cafes and wholesale fashion outlets in what’s regarded as one of the ‘coolest’ parts of Sydney. Eight years of pension payments going straight into her account, plus interest. What a boon! Throwing your unwanted body over a beaten up old couch and putting a white placard with, “Please do not Touch the Artwork,” written in ten-point Helvetica, might just be all you need to fool the passing Raybaners.

Circular Quay Hiding in plain sight, as the adage goes. Kings Cross could work, as could Bondi Beach or Martin Place but if you want the most blatant of the blatant you want Circular Quay. Tourists, Ferry drivers, buskers, who are they to ask to the tough questions? Who’s going to notice you and your dead weight as they dart around looking for best spot to pose in front of the Opera House? Options for your body are everywhere: the Train Station, a schmancy restaurant by The Toaster, The Opera Bar, or painted silver and plonked on the wharf next to the angry-looking, smoking pantomime.

wUTS HAPPENING Uni Games: Even though the big event doesn’t kick off until September 25, you’ve gotta give 110% and sign up with your UTS sports team before August 12. It’s a game of two halves and 29 different sports, so get in there and have a crack (and trip up to the Gold Coast). Get in touch with the UTS Union’s Sport Department on 9514 1454 before August 12.

DAB Exhibition: Come check out the Factory as Studio exhibition that will be on in the DAB Lab from August 3 – 26. The exhibition is a participatory design project that explores how environments (like a factory) can become an art space (like a studio).

Geddit? DAB Lab, August 3- 26.

Brekky 4 Students: Did you know that almost 60% of people aged 19-24 skip breakfast? Well the UTS Students’ Association wants to put an end to that. Join the UTSSA on Wednesday mornings between 8:30 and 11 to claim your free breakfast.

Tower Foyer, Level 4. Wednesdays, 8:30-11 am.

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SPORT

Could the retirement of players like Lockyer kill the Origin concept?

OPINION

Why Queensland winning origin is a good thing - for promoters Words: James Bourne

At the risk of being thrown out of the state for saying it, the one thing I’ve taken away from this year’s State of Origin Series is this: Queensland winning was, and is, a good thing.

While other outspoken columnists bemoan the death of the entire State of Origin concept at the hands of an incredible generation of players to wear a maroon jersey, only Vertigo dares to point out the truth: without Queensland going on this streak, there’d be far less incentive to watch.

I should probably make three things clear before I go on: the first is that, of all of the sporting contests I follow, I wouldn’t put this annual clash near the top of the list; secondly, if I had to support one of the states, it would certainly be New South Wales; and finally, I’m actually not at all worried about being disowned by my fellow New South Welshman because, quite frankly, very few people really care- and those that do only care for two months a year.

I digress. Onto my argument.

Every year around origin time the commentators, whether it be on television or radio, in the newspapers or from the mouth of that guy at the pub, call the clash between the two states ‘as big as it gets’. It’s hard to deny this is the truth- which is a sad reflection on the sport itself. Of all the sporting pastimes we enjoy, no other places the pinnacle at interstate rivalry- indeed, no other game would proudly state such a fact. What State of Origin represents is just how poor a product rugby league is.

The very fact of the matter is this: league is a game that follows a distinct formula- an almost stereotyped game plan- and whose the real drama stems from the tribal nature of each teams’ supporters. If you’re not born into a family that supports a team, chances

are you don’t support a team at all.

Which, strangely, is one of the reasons that the State of Origin concept continues to draws fans to the sport three nights a year. A rivalry is manufactured that citizens with no other allegiance than ‘the state in which they live’ are encouraged to enter into the sport.

As such, a record that needs to be overturned- such as six series wins in a row- gives these occasional fans extra incentive to tune in and understand the hype.

The other overwhelming point is simple: Australians love an underdog.

The reason so many people tuned in to watch the series this year was because New South Wales had an outside chance of possibly challenging a far better side for some periods of the game, providing that the Boys in Blue put in career best performances and the Maroons were having a bad day.

We were willing the Blues to win in the same way that winning the America’s Cup made the nation stay up at night and watch sailing- yes, sailing- in the 1980s. Put simply, even, predictable contests seldom inspire much drama.

Naturally, the only upside to a New South Wales victory would be an end to the puerile Facebook groups created by those south of the contest to compensate for a lack of ability on the football field- and liked by anyone who’s in need of attention or worried about being shunned by their fellow New South Welshmen (refer to paragraph 3). No longer will my Facebook feed be filled with groups like ‘taking off my maroon jersey after a long day of being a dick’, or something equally eloquent.

Indeed, it’s the only reason I continue to pray for a Blues win.

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SA REPORTS Neha Madhok Students’ Association President Your student representatives at the Students’ Association never rest - not even during the holidays. We’ve spent our time in the office nutting out our direction and creating our new Legal Service and Free Breakfast program, as well as attending conferences to do with higher education, women on campus and queer students on campus.

A few years ago the UTS Students’ Association, along with UTS Law, ran a Community Legal Centre that provided free legal advice to UTS students, staff, TAFE students and those living in the local area. Unfortunately, with the end of universal student unionism in 2006, this service lost its funding and was forced to close. Since then the UTS Students’ Association has taken on the occasional case for students who are desperate, but for the most part we have to refer students to other services which are already underfunded and overworked.

Bringing back the Legal Service has been an aspiration of members of the SRC since I first started university in 2008, where the building blocks for the resurrection of the service were first laid - and now we are looking at the beginning of a service once more. Though we’re starting small – a lawyer who you can access to through the Students’ Association – we are looking to expand back to the former Legal Centre’s glory over the next five years.

On a different note, it’s common for students to skip breakfast.

When you have that train and/or bus to catch, when you have a 9am lecture and when it’s the middle of winter, the thought of also making yourself a nutritious breakfast, along with everything else you have to do, just seems too much.

If, on top of that, you can’t afford to or don’t want to buy over-priced and fatty take-away breakfast on your way to uni, then you’re going to be heading to classes feeling sluggish, worn out and thinking more about your stomach than your course content. That’s why your Students’ Association will be giving out free, healthy and environmentally sustainable breakfast every Wednesday on level 4 of the Tower Building from 9-11am. You can meet up with your friends and hang

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out at our pop-up cafe, or grab a quick bite to take to your class - and not only is it good for your wallet but it’s also great for your conscience, because we’re using materials that are biodegradable and recyclable.

On yet another note, in July I attended Education Conference, a forum run by the National Union of Students (NUS) focused on students from across the country coming together to attend peer-run workshops, hear from speakers from a variety of student-, youth- and education-related areas, participate in interactive sessions with guest speakers and engage in debate. This year’s conference had the theme of ‘Think Beyond’, where we heard from a broad range of speakers through panel discussions, a role-playing activity featuring Vice Chancellors pretending to be students, as well as ministers and leaders of other youth organisations such as Volunteers Western Australia, UN Women and the AYCC. This broader perspective allowed us to tackle the nitty gritty of issues such as access to Youth Allowance and equity concerns, student engagement, mental health, creating new services on our campuses, workshops and skill sharing, campaign planning around illegal course costs and report-backs from national office bearers. Through the workshops and break-out sessions we got to work in teams to share ideas and teach one another based on our own skill-sets, including two workshops run by delegates from the Students’ Association – Students and the Environment and Engaging with the Media.

Don’t forget that you can sign up and become a financial member of the Students’ Association at any point for only $15, which gives you access to freebies like movie tickets, CDs and events. Just drop in to our office on level 3 of the Tower Building.

Contact me: 9514 1155 sapresident2011@uts.edu.au twitter:@UTS_SAPresident

Women’s Collective What has the UTS Women’s Collective been up to lately?

Well... It’s been an exciting year so far: the Women’s Room has received lots of love and attention with cleaning and banner painting and many a bright new face gracing our room.

We held “Cupcakes on the Concourse”, a fundraiser for Marie Stopes International. Marie Stopes International is a sexual and reproduction health charity providing services around Australia and the South Pacific.

The collective have also been along to a few rad events, including the 100th anniversary of International Women’s Day, SlutWalk and the launch of the Talk About It Survey.

The Talk About It Survey was a huge poll that involved 1500 female uni students. It was designed to gauge the perceptions from young women about safety on campus and in on-campus accommodation. The results weren’t pretty, with a set of recommendations produced from the study. You can find out more about the survey by visiting the National Union of Students website www.unistudent.com.au, or come along to the collective and ask us.

The Women’s Collective has also been glad to join our buddies over at UNSW for the National Organisation for Women Students (NOWSA) 2011 conference. There were talks, workshops and fun times with feminists from all over the country.

This coming semester, we’ll be putting together a Women’s Vertigo. Submissions are now open to all femaleidentifying students at UTS, so get writing! Be bold, be daring, be creative, be artistic, be anything you want to be for Women’s Vertigo 2011. Please send submissions to utswomenscollective@gmail.com Come to our meetings!

Tuesdays 5pm in the Women’s Room Or if you can’t make it to meetings, email utswomenscollective@gmail.com to join our mailing list!

Don’t forget to ‘like’ UTS Women’s Collective on Facebook!

All the best for the new semester!

Peace and feminist love, UTS Women’s Collective

ENviro collective The carbon tax: Save your bommy-knockers and head-stomping boots for another day.

The call for a people’s revolt over the proposed carbon tax was met by the polite applause of a roomful of disconcerted geriatrics. To help quell this movement, the government has offered recompensation for two million pensioners who, according to the ABC, will be about $200 better off under the scheme. In fact, nine out of ten houses will be offered compensation. Other money raised will go into crucial research and development for renewable energy and assisting ecosystems most sensitive to climate change.

In an effort to placate the companies being taxed, $9 billion in industry assistance has been offered, some of which has been earmarked to phase out some of the dirtiest coal-fired power stations. This seems to be a polite way of saying, “please stop contributing to the gradual degradation of the planet”. Unfortunately, instead of cleaning up their act, a huge campaign has been launched asserting the right for polluters to make as much CO­2 as they jolly well please.

In an effort to upset as few people as possible, the proposed tax is quite mild - yet it could be the first step in putting the brakes on runaway climate change. We probably shouldn’t leave the climate change policy to a man who publically declared that the overwhelming scientific evidence behind it was absolute crap. (Check out this website in case you’re thinking along the same lines: http://climate.nasa.gov/ evidence/) The reality is, the proposed carbon tax is as close as any Australian government has come to significant action on climate change. If we don’t accept the tax and then move forward to bigger and better things, we may be remembered as the drongos who buried our heads in the sand and became startled when sea levels rose over them.

If you wanted to see a much more ambitious plan check out the blueprint for 100% renewables in Australia by 2020. It’s pretty bloody exciting! Visit: http://media. beyondzeroemissions.org/preview-exec-sum-100520.pdf Jason Ray, UTS Enviro

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spot the difference

VERTIGO GAMES

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FORMER CHILD STARS CROSSWORD

ANSWERS 1. River Phoenix 2. Kirsten Dunst 3. Mischa Barton 4. Lindsay Lohan 5. Drew Barrymore 6. Emma Watson 7. Haley Joel Osment 8. Christian Bale 9. Macauley Culkin 10. Kristen Stewart 11. Edward Furlong 12. Aaron Carter 13. Jodie Foster 14. Corey Haim

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