GROWING PAINS 2086mission issue 7 hanisha harjani
NO ONE COMES TO HER BIRTHDAY PARTY TILL WE LEAVE AND I AM SCARED OF FALLING DOWN THE FIRE ESCAPE AND I AM SCARED OF HOW MUCH I FEEL AND SOMETIMES I EXHALE HARD & FAST LIKE THEY TEACH PREGNANT WOMEN TO AND I AM SCARED OF GETTING PREGNANT AND STRETCHING MY BODIES + PUSHING DOWN ON MY ORGANS + PUSHING A LIFE THROUGH ME. IT’S RESPONSIBILITY I CAN’T HANDLE WHEN I ALREADY CRY TOO MUCH ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT. CAN CLICHES GIVE BIRTH? CAN CLICHES GIVE BIRTH?
SEVER MY PAST, SAY WHO I WAS IS NOT WHO I AM
my jaw aches from trying to fit in; i buy you two bottles of flavored vodka (bc i know that you like getting drunk but you hate the taste of alcohol and i don’t consider this a flirtation, though i try) and sit on your roommate’s sofa and eat her lollipops and this is euphemism.
i drop your change (a dollar twenty) into the glass of wine you pour yourself from the bottle i buy for you when you are sad. you watch the red bleed into green before wanting to gag and pour the wine down the drain. i give you the glass you pour me because even though it’s called “sweet bitch” it’s not sweet like i like it.
i screenshot ego trips that are not my own and look at them on the subway when i feel too tired to read feel better about myself. it was two years of having sex before i did it because i wanted it and not to catch up with the rest of the world or to feel like someone wanted me around somewhere. i always thought if i could share my body with someone else, i would feel more comfortable with myself but it just made me feel like i needed to accomodate who i was to who they thought i would be.
my mother says to me: you know about abstinence, right?
MAKE ME FEEL NECESSARY. MAKE ME FEEL PRESENT. I FORGET MY PAST BC I AM NOT FOND OF IT. I FORGET THE PIECES OF ME THAT HAVE SHAPED ME AND, SO, WHEN I SEE YOUR TWO SHOEBOXES OF POLAROIDS, I AM BITTER THAT YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO WANT TO CAPTURE MOMENTS OR TO FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE TO RIGHT TO CAPTURE ANYTHING. I HAVE NOTHING TO REMEMBER BECAUSE I KEEP TRYING TO CREATE THE PERFECT MEMORY.
end.