January 30, 2014 by 34th Street Magazine

January 30, 2014 34st.com

Left to grieve alone, The story of how Penn deals with death

january 30 LOL

2014 3 HIGHBROW

the round–up, word on the street, ask miss cassandra, overheards

4 EGO

ego of the week, bathroom matrix, penn in ink

LOL

7 MUSIC

haiku reviews, album reviews, you have to listen to this, music and math

9 FEATURE

left to grieve alone, together

12 FILM & TV

snow movies, best celebs to follow on twitter

14 FOOD & DRINK

a shit ton of sriracha

LOL

18 LOWBROW

drunk high pregnant, open letter, resume words

Come to the

Byrne Fahey, Assistant Design Ling Zhou, Assistant Design Conor Cook, Assistant Photo Julia Liebergall, Highbrow Alex Sternlicht, Highbrow Nicole Malick, Ego Randi Kramer, Ego Emily Marcus, Food and Drink Ryan Zahalka, Food and Drink 2

3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E J A N U A R Y 3 0 , 2 01 4

writers' meeting

Tonight. 6:30 p.m. 4015 Walnut St.

34TH STREET MAGAZINE Chloe Bower, Editor–in–Chief Patrick Ford-Matz, Managing Editor Abigail Koffler, Digital Director Margot Halpern, Design Editor Sarah Tse, Photo Editor

you think you’re being a successful pseudo grown–up, BAM, ¡sorpresa!, you’ve been practically throwing free burgers away for years. This year, though, I’ve also resolved not to give up on my resolutions when they go awry. Instead, every time I figure out new places where my shit is not together, I will get it together. Every time I find a new resolution for 2015, I’ll make it that day’s resolution instead. This is the time of the year when many of us start to give up and fall back into old habits; we stop hand–writing our notes and start “typing them” (surfing our newsfeeds), give up on the Sweetgreen line and opt for Chipotle, leave our weekly planners at home. This is a reminder to not give up. When life gives you a loyalty card, don’t be mad it took you this long to register. Find a reason to use it.

6:30 PM. BUST A (WAL)NUT. IT'S ON.

contrappasto, instagram, barnes exhibit

state of the (Penn) union

Bobby Blue, medium rare, crunchified, sweet potato fries and fry sauce on the side, thanks. My name is Chloe Bower and I’m a burger addict. More specifically, I’m a Bobby’s Burger Palace addict. I have an enabler (he’s right under me in the masthead and right next to me in the office) and a routine (order online, pick up in–store after a latte from Capogiro). What I don’t have—or at least didn’t have before yesterday—was a loyalty card. Hundreds of burger/salad/milkshake/ fry purchases and not a single rewards point to show for it. I’m not sure who I’m more angry at, myself or the Welsh cashier who pointed it out to me after prematurely completing my transaction and rendering me ineligible to start getting points until my next binge session. While I want it to be him, it’s definitely me. I’ve been doing so well this year with my resolution to, very broadly, get my shit together—I bought a weekly planner and have actually written in it! Then, just when

TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT YOUR CAREER AS A TORTURED WRITER/DESIGNER/ PHOTOGRAPHER/STREET GROUPIE BEGINS.

16 ARTS

20 BACKPAGE

CRUNCHIFIEDFROMTHEEDITOR

Cassandra Kyriazis, Film and TV Casey Quackenbush, Film and TV Michelle Ma, Features Zacchiaus McKee, Features Ariela Osuna, Music Lucy Hovanisyan, Music Ciara Stein, Arts Molly Collett, Arts Emma Soren, Lowbrow Patrick Del Valle, Lowbrow Marley Coyne, Backpage Emily Johns, Copy Clare Lombardo, Copy Justin Sheen, Copy

Alyssa Berlin, Web Producer Katie Hartman, Web Producer Giulia Imholte, Web Producer Lauren Greenberg, Social Media Sophia Fischler-Gottfried, Assistant Social Media Rosa Escandon, Multimedia COVER DESIGN: Margot Halpern BACKPAGE DESIGN: Byrne Fahey Contributors: Gina DeCagna, Diane Bayeux, Alex Hosenball, Bethany Christy, Tony Mei, Paul Dinapoli, Ilana Springer

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Chloe Bower, Editor–in–Chief, at bower@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 8986585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581. VISIT OUR WEB SITE: www.34st.com "Margot, you're fucking terrible at your job." ©2014 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday

HIGHBROW

Q: Can someone be allergic to semen? I think I am. A: Yes, you stupid bitch! You can be allergic to practically anything—how else do you think people get singles in the Quad? Miss Cassandra also used to fear a semen allergy in her younger years, but she soon realized her aversion was merely psychological. As a grown–up, I quickly learned to become accustomed to the salty taste and arousing texture. And you, my pet, will learn that soon enough. But if you truly are allergic to semen, sweetie, then that needs to be sorted out. First and foremost, get you and your alleged allergies to a doctor. Run a few tests in order

wordonthestreet WHAT'S MY AGE AGAIN? BY ARIELA OSUNA

Fresh from a holiday in Palm Springs, Penn’s very own sex guru has returned to answer your questions about the good, the bad and the ugly. Mama’s back, children. to determine whether or not you actually have a semen allergy. This can be done by a quick skin check in which the doctor places a diluted semen solution on your skin and observes the reaction. Alternatively, you can get a lover to just release some of his

special sauce onto your nubile body. If it’s hives and not herpes, then bless your heart. Miss Cassandra has heard of some bizarre processes to desensitize your nether regions for semen allergies. They’re even raunchier than my usual choreography.

THEROUNDUP I said BRRR. It’s cold in here. There must be some gossip in the atmosphere. The temperature may be dropping, but Highbrow is just heating up. Grab your texting gloves, ducklings, because it’s gonna get a little nippy. Speaking of nipples, Beige Block was treated to the Jewish Full Monty during last week’s blizzard. Chai-brow hears that the Chosen residents of 41st Street were forced to take a naked stroll after losing a game of beer pong. Maybe they were performing a mitzvah for their jappy neighbors? Regardless, we hope they didn’t freeze their tuchuses off. Oy vey! A new chapter has opened up in Penn’s own West (Philadelphia) Side Story. We’re talking, of course, about the THEOS and Oz rivalry. Forced to choose between Wild Wednesdays and Chancellor Day Parties, Class of 2017’s sceniest males elected an alpha to make the decision for all of them. With the backing of the Wizard himself, our fearless freshman clicked his heels three times and created the Oz 2014 pledge class. Poor Theos—you haven’t been this irrelevant since you were on–campus. While we’re on the subject of Sammy (which we rarely are), two of XO’s newest biddies literally raised the roof at the frat’s bid day party. As Pitbull sang “It’s about to go down,” the duo took down the basement ceiling via manic fist–pumping and aggressive gyrating. But due to Ke$ha’s cries of “Timber!”, guests emerged unharmed and unfazed. It will definitely be a night Sammy won’t forget. And now, for the first time, we welcome Theta Xi to the Round Up! After ZTA backed out of a bid night party, our newcomers hired two strippers to supply some estrogen to their newest pledges. But the freshmen were treated to more than just lap dances and cooter shooters. Allegedly, the brothers paid the strippers $100 to pee on their biddies, which they readily did. What a way to make your Highbrow debut, Theta Xi! Maybe one day you’ll have champagne showers instead of urine showers.

over heard PENN at

Vegetarian JAP: Don’t tell anyone, but I had chicken last night. And I wasn’t drunk. New sorority biddie: I wish I were a boy. Freshman girl: Is it binge-drinking if you do it all the time? Friend: I think that’s called alcoholism. Guy in Houston: I watched “Blue’s Clue’s” last night. It was SO FUN. Writing professor: I never knew how important camp was until I started teaching creative writing at Penn.

“Are you a freshman?” I slurred through a vodka cranberry haze as I flirted with the first hot guy I met during NSO this semester. With a disgusted look, my almost–hookup hissed “senior in the house” before disappearing into the crowd. Excuse my lack of judgment, hot Beta boy. I apologize. I really do. You were pretty cute. It’s part of the checklist. Good looking. Check. Confident. Check. Drunk but not sleazy. Check. Next I wonder what year he is. Sophomore and up—I breathe a sigh of relief (acceptable, has potential, why not?) Answer “freshman,” though, and I’ll make small talk about living in the Quad and sneak away within about two minutes. Yes, there’s something endearing about the way a freshman boy’s eyes light up when I mistake him for an upperclassman. It’s every guy’s fantasy to hook up with an older girl. Walking out of Rumor with an older girl earns boys high– fives and shoutouots. It’s the peak of manhood. When it comes to courtship, men love the hunt. The harder the better. But when I get into a cab after a downtown, it better not be with someone with a fake ID. Here’s the thing. Regardless of how good– looking a guy is, I’ll most likely receive judgmental glances and a lecture on immaturity if he’s my junior. I can just hear other girls saying, “Like, don’t you want to get with someone who has potential for a serious relationship (or, like, marriage)?” Why this stigma against walk of shaming from the Quad? A walk of shame is a walk of shame, regardless of whether it’s from the Quad, the Radian or Harrison. The fact that your hookup is a freshman should not make it more or less shameful. Last year, I met a 15–year–old prodigy in my math class. There’s also the 23–year–old Israeli who lived in my friend’s hall. Both were freshmen. And both were hot. If age is what’s in question, let’s stop asking it. I’ll give 100 brownie points to the next guy who doesn’t ask my age before he asks for my number. We’re all in college. By day, he might be swiping his meal card, but by night you might be swiping his v–card. With only a four–year range, it’s not like age matters that much anyways, whether he’s just a DFMO or hubby potential. If you’re hooking up with someone younger, more power to you. JLo’s boyfriend is 18 years younger and if anything, that makes her ten times cooler.

J A N U A R Y 3 0 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E

EGO

EGOOF THE WEEK: EMILIE ABRAMS

Emilie “spelled in a weird way because my family is from France” Abrams is the go–to girl for Urban Nutrition Initiative (UNI), studying PoliSci and East Asian Studies. She’s been around the world and back a few too many times—she just can’t keep her accents straight. Street: How are you surviving the polar vortex? Emilie Abrams: My defense mechanisms are...to forget to bring my gloves, everyday. And also to stay in bed and watch “Homeland” and get my roommates to join me. Street: What do you do for UNI? EA: For two years I supervised a cooking crew at Sayre High School. Every week we would have a little class about nutrition, why you want to eat fruits and vegetables, why you don’t want to have a KFC massive chicken bucket after school everyday. And now, I’m assistant to the director of youth development, so I’m organizing events for them, like big fundraisers. Street: How was it working with Philly high school kids? EA: It takes a while, because you’re coming from such a different background. You’re pretty much the one white person in that

classroom, which was really uncomfortable. I stuck out like a sore thumb. I found that if I’m super upfront with them, and just try to be myself as much as possible, they learn to trust you and to respect you. Street: What’s your favorite meal that you ever cooked with UNI? EA: It was a pesto pasta salad. It was a way to sneak in a ton of vegetables in this delicious basil–y, garlic–y pesto thing. And the kids just ate it up. And I ate it up. [Check out this and more UNI recipes at 34st.com] Street: What’s it like to be in Elmo? EA: I went to an all girls school for seven years, middle school and high school in London. I pretty much swore to myself that I would never put myself in that sort of environment again. They’re just really quirky, cool people who always have something crazy to say, and add something different. Street: You grew up in London, so how’d you end up with no accent? EA: I change my accents all the time. I can do different accents. We can do the rest of the interview in different accents! [Ed. note: she did! Check it out online.] I got into this awkward situation where I would speak in British–English at school and then I would go home and speak in French–English. And then one time when I had a friend from school come over to my house, I was like,

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“Which accent do I speak in?” My friend was like, “Emilie, why do you sound so weird? What’s going on?” Street: Fill in the blank, there are two kinds of people at Penn... EA: There are people who take the elevator for one floor in Van Pelt, and there are those who... don’t. Street: If you could live anywhere on the planet, where would it be and why? EA: OK, short answer? I want to live, at some point, in as many places as I can for a short while. Pretty much if you ask me this in a day I would have a different answer. Street: If you could have a drink with anyone in history, who would it be and why? EA: This sounds pretty weird given that I could have a drink with anyone, but I really wish I could have met all of my great– grandmothers. That’s four people, they each were pretty incredible in the context of my family. Street: When was the last time you cried? EA: It was last night. I was watching “Homeland.” And I cry in any, pretty much any, film and most TV shows. I let it flow. Street: Tell us about your first kiss. EA: It was some highly confused guy clearly...at a New Year’s Eve party in the beginning of high school. He somehow, like, lurched at me, and made contact with my mouth. And I proceeded to run into the bathroom and wash out my mouth. Street: What’s your spirit animal? EA: I love water, so some sort of a pretty, hyperactive fish? Street: So Dory? EA: Dory! This is not the first time that someone has said that. Want more Emilie? Check her out at UNI's "Eats and Beats" at Mantua Haverford Community Center on 3/29.

EGO

TO PEE OR NOT TO PEE WHERE is the question.

Check out 34st.com for the scoop on where to poop!

CONTRIBUTIONS BY ILANA SPRINGER, DESIGN BY BYRNE FAHEY J A N U A R Y 3 0 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E

EGO

Student Tattoo of the Week Name: Theresa Picciallo Year: 2016 Major: Cinema Studies, Minor: Consumer Psych Left Ankle: [BOTTOM RIGHT] This is Theresa’s first and most poignant tattoo. It is a tribute to her father’s birthday—he passed away when she was very young. The number seems to pop up whenever she’s having a tough time, and it reminds her to keep faith and to keep pushing through. Right foot: [TOP] “Picciyolo” knew this Drake–inspired acronym before it was cool. A friend from home played the song for her before it leaked. And, because it was Drake, she knew it would be big. Theresa had wanted to get a “You Only Live Once” tattoo for a while, but her mom deemed it too long for to be tatted. She had never thought to abbreviate it, though, until she heard the song.

When she told the tattoo artist what the acronym meant, he wouldn’t let her do it in the plain, black letters she had intended. Instead, she added lots of color. YOLO, right? Back of her neck: [BOTTOM RIGHT] "Live” is the word her family, well, lives by. She told us she would rather live in a box doing what she loves than have all the money in the world doing something she hates. According to Theresa, it is literally and metaphorically the most important word there is. Parent Approved?: Yes, but her mom says three is enough.

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The Trustees’ Council of Penn Women (TCPW) is pleased to announce its 2014-2015 Grants Program and encourages members of the University community to apply. Grants ranging between $1,000-$5,000 will be available to individuals or organizations which promote: • women’s issues • the quality of undergraduate and graduate life for women • the advancement of women • the physical, emotional and psychological well-being of women Favorable consideration will be given to projects that: • affect a broad segment of the University population • foster a greater awareness of women’s issues • provide seed money for pilot programs that have the potential to become ongoing self-supporting programs To apply, visit the TCPW website at www.alumni.upenn.edu/tcpwgrants and download the application from the TCPW Grant web page. Applications must be submitted no later than February 14, 2014. Awards will be announced in the Spring of 2014 and funds will be distributed in July/August 2014 for projects in the 2014-2015 academic year.

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MUSIC

ALBUM REVIEWS

“TROUBLE” Hospitality

In their 2012 self–titled debut album, Hospitality sang about carefree love, fixing heartbreak with aplomb. In “Trouble,” their latest release, their sound has matured into something world–weary, beautiful and emotive. Opening track “Nightingale” alternates between electric guitar riffs and piano melodies, draped over singer Amber Papini’s haunting vocals. Starting with an alternating bass line, “Inauguration” crescendos into a harmonic, somewhat disjointed ballad. Here, and elsewhere, Papini’s vocals take center stage. Equal parts Camera Obscura and Vampire Weekend, she blends pop–rock standards with her personal melancholic bent. When she sings of the hope and quiet desperation of love in “Call Me After,” you feel it. TONY MEI

Grade: A– Sounds Best When: Bundled in a quilt and staring yearningly into the gray sky Download: “Nightingale”

“RESTORING FORCE” Of Mice and Men From the first bullhorn screams of opening track “Public Service Announcement,” you know it’s on. Of Mice and Men's third album is chock full of punchy, mosh– pit igniting anthems like “Bones Exposed” and “You Make Me Sick,” but the band leaves room for some more accessible material, like closing ballad “Space Enough to Grow.” Although some of the choruses feel somewhat forgettable, the group is in their element here, delivering a raw and aggressive, yet balanced and mature set of hardcore tracks that fans of the genre are sure to devour.

YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS: DARKSIDE What do you get when you combine two Brown guys, EDM, and science fiction? Douchiness is probably a given. But also, some really good music you have to listen to. Darkside is a collaboration between producer Nicolaas Jaar and guitarist Dave Harrington that sounds kind of like blues in space. In fact, their sound is all about contradictions— dubstep but disco, rock but pop, dance party but only 80bpm. The duo followed its 2011 self–titled debut EP with an album full of remixes to Daft Punk’s “Random Access Memories,” a project naturally named “Daftside.” Instead of

is… Deep? Heavy? And then you find a word that fits. This music is important. Bottom line: Darkside may be straight out of the Ivy League, but it’s no Vampire Weekend pansy pop–rock. They’re the real deal, and they’re gonna be in Philly on February 6th, and you can thank me later. BETHANY CHRISTY

Sounds best when: Brooding, thinking moody thoughts Download: “Heart”

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Grade: A– Sounds Best When: Your angsty inner scene kid is begging for release Download: The aggressive and defiant “Break Free”

just cranking up the bass and throwing in some loops, they took the entire album and inverted it—sad and slow becomes joyful and electric and vice versa. They even manage to turn “Get Lucky” from a song that makes you want to sucker punch a child to one that actually makes you want to dance. Psychic, their latest album, is the perfect balance of active and passive listening, alternating hypnotic beats with climactic combinations of cymbals and jungle drums. Closing your bedroom door and cranking Darkside gives you a strange feeling that you can’t quite name. This music

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MUSIC

MATH-034: ARTIST ARITHMETIC (cross-listing MUSIC-101)

Introduction to concepts and methods of musical arithmetic for students with little or no previous technical experience. This course focuses on the creative side of mathematics, with an emphasis on discovery, reasoning, proofs and effective communication, while at the same time considering real and complex artists, song selections, albums, continuity and differentiability.

Hot Chip + Empire of the Sun = CEO

(Fennesz + Holy Other) x Ryan Hemsworth = Vondelpark

BRAND ADBRAND B&W AD EASYCARE DannyEASYCARE Brown x Bauuer = B&W RL Grime

Swedish band CEO is equal to the sum of the playful electro–beats of Hot Chip and the cheerful vocals of Empire of the Sun.

Download: “Whorehouse” Sounds best when: Enjoying a warm, summer day on College Green Download: “Blue Again” Sounds best when: Sipping on coffee in Starbucks

English indie group Vondelpark is equal to the sum of the ambience of Fennesz and down– tempo elements of Holy Other, multiplied by the electronic production of Ryan Hemsworth.

Download: “Secondary” Sounds best when: Looking to rage because you’re done with that midterm

American hip–hop producer Henry Steinway—known by his alias RL Grime—is equal to the product of the uptone hip-hop of Danny Brown and the danceable beats of Bauuer.

EASYCARE BRAND AD B&W EASYCARE BRAND AD B&W EASYCARE BRAND AD B&W

EASYCARE BRAND AD B&W

Attackfinish x James Blake) A beautiful that A beautiful finish that+ Ramones = King Krule 4. (Massive EASYCARE BRAND AD B&W British King Krule is equal to the product of the trip hop of Massive Attack and the jazzy tempos of James Blake in addition to the classic punk of the Ramones.

lasts a Alifetime. lasts afinish lifetime. A beautiful that Afinish beautiful that beautiful finish that EASYCARE BRAND AD B&W (Purity Ring + Lykke Li) -lifetime. ABBA = MØ lasts a lifetime. lasts a lifetime. lasts a 5. A beautiful finish that

A beautiful finish that lasts a lifetime. lasts a lifetime. A beautiful finish that

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Download: “Easy Easy” and “Baby Blue” Sounds best when: Relieving angst while singing in the shower

Download: “XXX 88” Sounds best when: Having a wine and cheese night with sorority babies

HAIKU REVIEWS

Roses are red / Violets are blue / Haikus are dope / And opiates too.

“WONDERLAND” CEO Sugary and sweet Lasery electro–pop Playfully Swedish

“WARPAINT" Warpaint

This jam band mixes Instrumental interplay With ghostly vocals

“AER" Aer

No longer as light, Playful or summery, but Somber and heavy

Grade: A Download: "Whorehouse" Sounds best when: Thinking about your favorite semester

Grade: C+ Download: "Love Is To Die" Sounds best when: Wallowing in sorrow while pulling an all–nighter in VP Grade: D Download: "Pretty Lady (Around Me)" Sounds best when: Pregaming a Rumor downtown LUCY HOVANISYAN

F E AT U R E

This issue of 34th Street is dedicated to the peers we have lost during our time here, and to those they left behind.

Jeffrey Lee, Class of 2012 Thomas Hartford, Class of 2013 Oliver Pacchiana, Class of 2014 Arya Singh, Class of 2014 Pulkit “Josh” Singh, Class of 2015 Kevin Zhao, Class of 2015 Annie Zhu, Class of 2015 Alex Moll, Class of 2016 Madison Holleran, Class of 2017

s the credits rolled onto the screen, sophomore Nathan Stauffer couldn’t wait to leave the darkness of the dingy matinee theatre and capitalize on the late summer day. Squinting to block the blazing daylight, he scrolled through his Facebook news feed and found himself enveloped by a different kind of darkness, one that couldn’t be lifted by even the warmest summer sun. On August 13th, 2013, Nathan Stauffer learned via a Facebook status that one of his best friends at Penn, Alex Moll, had passed away. Without receiving any information from Penn directly,

Nate was left at the mercy of Facebook and his own imagination to make sense of Alex’s seemingly inexplicable death. “I read the ‘rest in peace’ statuses and went immediately to Alex’s page,” Nate paused, clenching his espresso–brown eyes shut. “The last thing Alex ever posted was a picture of himself at the Golden Gate Bridge with the caption: ‘found eternal peace,’” he says, anxiously tugging at the burgundy strings of his wool hat. “So I assumed he jumped off.” Later, thanks to a Daily Pennsylvanian article, Nate learned his first friend at Penn had actually died of bone cancer, a disease which he had concealed from friends in order to maximize his

abbreviated time at Penn. The university failed to offer Nate counseling, academic leniency or even the option to celebrate Alex’s life at a memorial service. “I really don’t think the university provided anything,” he says. He takes a moment to stare into a dark corner of the room and states with great brevity, “At Penn, death gets swept under the rug.” Disturbingly, Nate’s story of grieving beneath the “rug” isn’t an isolated case, but a common account of grieving alone at Penn. According to a recent article in the DP, the administration follows a set of “guidelines” to direct their responses to undergraduate

death—treating each loss circumstantially, claiming to hand the reigns to the family. Because the “guidelines” are kept confidential, students cannot assess whether or not they are being stripped of their rights of bereavement under university policy. Thus, to understand loss at Penn, one must listen to the stories of the students left to grieve alone, together. This is their story—the story of life after death at Penn. Since November 2011, nine undergraduates have passed away. Of the nine deceased students, five were acknowledged in an on–campus memorial and three were acknowledged by university president, Amy Gutmann. Never in the past four years have students received

by Alex Sternlicht J A N U A R Y 3 0 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E

F E AT U R E

Left to Grieve Alone, Together

a university–wide email announcing a peer’s death. Moreover, the duration and necessity of an academic grieving period is left at the mercy of individual professors, and an on–campus memorial service only occurs if the family requests it. This is not the norm. Of the other Ivy League universities, Yale, Brown, Dartmouth and Harvard have sent school–wide emails when a student passes away, informing the student body of resources and services available to foster support, community and life in the face of death. And not only is Penn’s neglectful response to death an exception amongst peer institutions, it is also unhealthy. And even Penn knows it. According to Penn’s Behavioral Corporate Services, when the subject of death is “avoided, ignored or denied,” the grieving process is compromised. Consequently, the loss is likely to manifest itself in the form of “physical or emotional illness.” Penn is compromising students’ mental health. “There were a lot of people whose lives Alex touched and, as a result, there were a lot people who were deeply affected by his death that could’ve benefitted from school–wide notification and services before it became a media frenzy.” Nate pauses, as if to let the laugh–laced chatter of Houston Hall speak for him, “They should treat them as actual living beings, like someone you just saw in the dining hall last night.”

“I

don’t care if Amy Gutmann says her condolences or not...If she’s gonna talk, she should talk every time,” says senior Cara*, sitting cross–legged atop her twin XL bed. Allison*, Cara’s best friend and roommate of four years, also a senior, closes her eyes and nods in solemn agreement. Now seniors with post–graduate plans on the horizon, they giggle

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about how “clueless” they were when they first met each other, living on the first floor of King’s Court English House. This may have been the way they spent their first nights together at Penn, giggling and getting to know each other. The one thing missing is their former hallmate Arya Singh, who lived with them that first year in King’s Court. She passed away on February 8th, 2013. Beyond being forced to inform her friends of Arya’s death, Allison was frustrated by the consequences of the university’s institutionalized ignorance and its professors’ varied reactions. Because there was no official announcement of death, Cara and Allison were forced to personally notify their professors of Arya’s passing; from there, they were left to the professors’ individual whims. “I had a physics exam the day after she died that my professor would not excuse me from,” recalls Cara with disgust. “It’s so extremely inconsistent,” Allison chimes in. “I had such a good experience with Wharton—they pushed my statistics midterm back two weeks.” Allison looks down at her legs dangling over the side of the bed, “But Arya’s freshman–year roommate couldn’t attend the memorial because she had to take a midterm.” “I don’t understand why there’s a difference in policy,” says Cara, tucking a lock of dirty blonde hair behind her ear. “The fact is, I don’t care how they died. I care that they’re gone, and that’s what’s tragic about it.” Her blue eyes fill with tears. “In the end, they’re still not here and, because of that, there should be a standard way of dealing with these issues.” Cara sighs heavily, “A death is a death. And in college it’s not supposed to happen, no matter how,” she says through tear–clouded laughter. However, the failure to accommodate Cara’s grieving may not be the fault of unsympathetic professors, but instead the fault of the university administration. As it

stands, professors and students are equally ill–informed of death at Penn. The university’s Crisis Intervention Services (CIS) department claims to “often” advise professors and faculty on how to appropriately respond to students coping with the loss of a loved one. However, one professor commented that he received zero notification regarding the recent deaths of Josh Singh, Kevin Zhou and Madison Holleran. Until he was informed for the purpose of this article, he was unaware that two students had passed away since the start of the new year. He only knew out about Madison’s death through a New York Post article sent to him by a friend.

“

sequently, that underutilized chartered bus service was the only administrative effort to memorialize Annie Zhu. Manna closes her eyes, revealing a tired coat of black eyeliner. “I couldn’t find any of Annie’s friends to grieve with on campus.” She stammers, “I went through a really dark time.” Unable to connect with peers, Manna sought out the sympathy of her professors, carefully composing emails to each, informing them of her bereavement. “My professors didn’t even respond,” she shrugs, biting her chapped lower lip, “I wasn’t asking anything specific. I mean, there wasn’t anything to respond to, I guess.” Because her professors didn’t respond to her original email, Manna never asked for any extensions or accommodations, fearing the professors would view her requests as “playing the death card” in order to gain a competitive advantage over her classmates. Unable to find other students or professors to share her grief, Manna sought professional help. Although Manna used Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS), she was not extended their services by a university official. Instead, she discovered the university’s mental health office via late–night Google search. Despite the claim of CAPS director Bill Alexander that his office reaches out to “very close friends and classmates” of the deceased, only one of the seven students interviewed was offered CAPS support directly by the university.

At Penn, death gets swept under the rug.”

ike Cara, Allison and Nate, junior Manna Fujiu was left to mourn the loss of her best friend, Annie Zhu, alone. On December 3rd, 2011, Manna felt a lump rise in her throat as the Penn–chartered school bus heading to Annie’s funeral in Flemington, New Jersey rolled away from the Quad—with only two other students onboard. “It really aggravated my grieving process that I didn’t think enough was done for her,” Manna says, sweeping her ombre black–auburn bangs across her cheekbones. “I feel like if the bus to her funeral had been better advertised more people would’ve gone,” she continues. Although Manna’s house dean discussed planting a tree or hosting a candlelight vigil to memorialize her best friend, neither plan ever came to fruition. Con-

That student is Andrew*. Not–so–coincidentally, Andrew, a senior, is also the singular student interviewed who was satisfied with Penn’s treatment of death due to the univeristy’s rare showing of comprehensive support. When Oliver Pacchiana died in a rock climbing accident on March 31, 2013, Andrew and the rest of his bandmates were informed of the loss of their tuba player during a practice session by a team of CIS specialists and the university chaplain, “Chaz” Howard. Moreover, Andrew also received “academic and emotional support” from his professors and was personally guided through his loss in one–on–one sessions with Chaz. “I thought Penn did a great job,” says Andrew, clad in the classic crimson ‘P’ Penn sweatshirt and a wool scarf. “Their support felt like the healthiest possible response.” Pushing his oversized black–rimmed glasses over the bridge of his nose, he speaks in a deep, thoughtful voice. “CAPS only intervenes when it’s too late,” he says, tearing the thin cardboard sleeve of his coffee cup into two neat pieces, “I’m not just talking about the victim side; I’m talking about the survivor side too.” Unanimously, the “survivors” desire a more accessible, less stigmatized mental health system at Penn, as the state of mental health on campus has come under review in the past week. CAPS recently initiated a student advisory board to destigmatize mental health among students. Although it may take longer to change the entire state of mental health at Penn, a simple email sent to notify both the student body and faculty of a student’s death and the support services available would facilitate community, health and life in the face of death. Whether it comes in the form of an email or an emphasis on mental wellness, students need to know

that the university cares. In the meantime, we're left to grieve alone, together. Together, we remember Madison Holleran, in the purple ribbons pinned to the red and blue uniforms of Penn’s lacrosse, gymnastics, wrestling and track teams. Together, we remember Pulkit “Josh” Singh, in the story of Josh's closest friends driving two and a half hours to his funeral service in Bethpage, New York. Together, we remember Kevin Zhao, in a celebration of his life on January 18th, 2014 at a memorial service in Houston Hall. Filled with raucous laughter and screeching wooden chairs, only 24 hours after the service there’s not a single hint of Kevin’s memorial in Houston Hall. And yet, as Nate blinks away tears, it’s clear that those closest to the deceased don’t need candles to remember. “Penn, in general, wasn’t supportive. But the groups Penn fosters were very supportive in our time of need,” he says, referencing the aid of his Mask and Wig brothers and the Penn undergraduate community at large. He sits back in his chair and begins reflectively, “I know the groups I can rely on and they’re always there when I need them. We can all lean on each other.” And then, as if surrendering to a higher power, he clasps his hands behind his head and gazes upward into the dusty rafters of Houston Hall, “we all kind of have to lean on each other.” Alex Sternlicht is a sophomore from Newton, Massachusetts majoring in english. She is the Highbrow editor for 34th Street Magazine. *Names have been changed at the request of these individuals.

J A N U A R Y 3 0 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 1

SNOW CAP

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FILM & TV

Penn’s been experiencing an above average amount of snow recently, so we delved into the cinema vault and found some top notch snow movies to remind you that it’s not so bad that you can’t meander from frat to frat without getting hypothermia.

“The Day After Tomorrow” Chronicling what would happen if the northern half of the United States were to freeze over, “The Day After Tomorrow” offers vintage Jake Gyllenhaal and a peek into the lives of some people who are much colder than we are. Emmy Rossum’s character gets a nasty gash on her upper thigh when walking through freezing cold water to find refuge in the New York Public Library, and proceeds to almost die because there’s no immediate access to antibiotics in the next ice age. This movie is known to prevent complaining about the wind tunnel for at least four to six hours after viewing. “Hot Tub Time Machine” John Cusack, Rob Corddry, Craig Robinson and that guy who played Dale on “Greek” star in this tale of four guys who accidentally get time traveled back to 1986 in a time machine (the title is masterfully subtle). The movie offers liquored–up and raunchy comedy during a ski resort’s “Winterfest”— from misguided hook–ups to drinking too much—and is fairly representative of the types of shenanigans Penn students were up to on their snow day off. Whether we we're getting white girl wasted on wine in our highrise apartments or swinging from the moose ears at Castle’s impromptu day parties, Hot Tub Time Machine has a p(l)ot for each of our snow day shenanigans.

BEST CELEBS TO FOLLOW ON TWITTER Anna Kendrick @AnnaKendrick47 Known for: Starring in hits like “Up in the Air” and “Pitch Perfect” and for being incredibly small. Sample Tweet: “I think my agent called me last night...I used 3 sports analogies and hung up on him. #SundanceFlu #IsThisRealLife” Best part of being her follower? She frequently interacts with other celebs in funny ways, including tweeting at the Rock and asking to be referred to as “The Pebble.” Zach Braff @zachbraff Known for: Starring on “Scrubs” and using Kickstarter to make a movie. Sample Tweet: “#WeAreWithYouJustin The cops may take your eggs, but they’ll never get the one I’m saving for you in my uterus" Best part of being his follower? Well, there are two really. His twitter bio refers to his followers as the “sexiest mofos on the planet” and he frequently sexually harrasses Harry Styles of One Direction.

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FILM & TV

Jaden Smith @officialjaden Known for: Being the child of power couple Will and Jada Pinkett Smith and possibly Kylie Jenner’s boyfriend. Sample Tweet: “The More Intelligent Somebody Becomes The More I Fall In Love With Them.” Best part of being his follower? You will never feel smarter than you do when reading tweets like “If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose [not a typo] That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It.” Joss Whedon @josswhedon Known for: Creating “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Angel,” writing the script for “The Avengers,” being the coolest person in the universe. Sample Tweet: “Live each day as if it were your last, ‘cause I’m gonna kill you but I’m not super–good w/schedules.” Best part of being his follower? It’s comforting knowing that even Joss Whedon is kind of an insecure mess that hasn’t totally figured it out yet. Plus it’s hilarious. Mindy Kaling & BJ Novak @mindykaling @bjnovak Known for: Starring and writing together on “The Office,” and now Kaling has her own comedy on Fox. Sample Tweets: “I’m doing audio commentary for @bjnovak’s incredibly funny and well–written new book of short stories and I’m going to ruin it with prattle” Best part of following them? They have the world’s most amazing best friendship, and while we’ll ship them ‘til the day we die on Tumblr, their Twitter interactions are the closest we’ll ever get to actually seeing them together. Plus both accounts are pretty damn funny on their own.

Seth Rogen @Sethrogen Known for: Being Judd Apatow’s protégé and starring in a series of stoner movies that have kinda defined a generation. Sample Tweet: “Is there a porno movie called ‘Kum Fu’?” Best part of being his follower? When he feels like a company’s customer service has let him down, he takes to Twitter to complain in a very entertaining fashion.

Aubrey Plaza @evilhag Known for: Her role as April Ludgate on “Parks and Recreation” and that meme where she goes “I don’t want to do things. I want to not do things.” Sample Tweet: “HEY TWEEETIESSSS ITSSSSS ZOMBIE TIME!!!! AHHHGGHHHHHHHDHDJDJDBDJ #sundance2014 @danedehaan #tequila” Best part of being her follower? Her tweets are kind of insane and totally entertaining, and sometimes she and Anna Kendrick talk to each other on Twitter and it’s glorious.

Cher @cher Known for: IT’S CHER GODDAMMIT. Sample Tweet: “#FrackWhore” Best part of being her follower? Laughing at how an international superstar can barely type.

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FOOD & DRINK

TASTE TEST:

Our “experts” compare the classic green–capped Huy Fong nectar to similar sauces from Malaysia, Singapore, Thailand and Vietnam.

Sweet and peppery. But not too peppery...

Pretty sure this is peach jam.

UNION FOODS VIET- HUY FONG NAMESE "DRAGON" ROOSTER CHILI GARLIC SAUCE SRIRACHA ($1.48) SAUCE ($3.38) I dig it. Super salty, like Peter after I beat him in Settlers of Catan.

Tastes like Sriracha. [Ed note: No shit.]

Tastes a bit fruity.

Sugary sweet. There are probably a stupid amount of ingredients in this one.

What the fuck just happened in my mouth? Uhhhh... eww.

Boring compared to the others.

PETER

Sweet then spicy. A slow burn.

Like watery Rooster Sriracha.

AMOY THAI SWEET CHILI GARLIC SAUCE ($1.48)

Tangy, sweet and mild, I like how the spiciness kicks in subtly, not all up in your face like normal Sriracha.

Fruity. Pretty weak–sauce. Not spicy at all.

Nice sweetness, but it’s missing that spicy aftertaste.

Bold, rich flavor kicked me in the face and left a mark.

Not as fruity as the first one, but classic and reliable.

JOHNNY

BRIANA HUNTER

KAMPONG KOH YEO'S MALAYSIAN SINGAPOREAN GARLIC CHILI CHILI SAUCE W/ SAUCE ($2.28) GARLIC ($2.38)

Sweet and tangy, but also pretty spicy.

Too fruity. Anyways I should probably stop eating hot sauces, I kinda have the runs.

N/A

Overall Grade: A–

Overall Grade: B–

Overall Grade: B

Overall Grade: B+

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Overall Grade: C

HUY FONG SRIRACHA SAUCE FACTORY

Arts has Contrapposto, now Food & Drink's taking a stance.

I want my nostrils to burn. I want my eyes to water. I want my mouth constantly salivating because the smell and thoughts associated with it are so strong. I want the Sriracha factory to move to Philadelphia. Recently, the manufacturers of everyone’s favorite rooster sauce have had problems maintaining ownership of their Irwindale, California–based headquarters; the city council of Irwindale has repeatedly called the Huy Fong Foods factory a “public nuisance.” Complainants from both Irwindale and its neighboring city of Baldwin have cited the smell as “bothersome,” and as a result, the US is in danger of losing the delicious chili–sauce that goes well on everything. So why not welcome Huy Fong to Philly? Sure, it may sting for a little while, but ultimately the benefits outweigh the costs. Not only would Philly gain a landmark far more famous than the Liberty Bell, but it would also have a constant supply of Sriracha and Sriracha–related products. Furthermore, the factory strikes a nice resonance with one of Philly’s most infamous nicknames: Filthadelphia. Philly’s streets house many a smell and many different categories of litter (I’ve counted needles, dead cats and car parts in some neighborhoods). Wouldn’t the delicious, stinging scent of garlic and chilis be a more welcoming fragrance? If I could exit the 11th street SEPTA terminal and smell the rooster–red odor of industry instead of the pungent stab of trash, I would be grateful. Let us welcome Huy Fong with open arms and gaping mouths. Let us prepare sandwiches, fried rice and maybe even some Earl Grey ice cream for the occasion. Let us inform Mr. and Mrs. Bui that they will have some steep competition—all Huy Fong Foods needs is its own breakfast truck. Imagine Sriracha–branded egg and cheese sandwiches every morning—a true rooster–lover’s paradise. ALEX HOSENBALL

highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow

FOOD & DRINK FILM

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Check out these sizzling Rooster Sriracha–infused snacks.

Film polled you to find out how you are getting your Sunday afternoon Leave it to Little Baby’s to take two totally incongruous flaBY into ANTHONY KHAYKIN movie fixes. Here’s what learned.them vors we and combine a surprisingly cohesive and

treat. in Even though cream hough we all know thedelicious watch Hugo theaters. Andit’s wevegan, you this guessicethen thatis Penn stuand creamy, with a Ivy strongdents Earl would Grey flavor Internet is for pornstillfisweet t this mold of overworked prefer and to get their of spice at the end. Best of all, you can fi find it on with free (thanks Avenue Q), thea kick League students well, with only RomCom x online campus at 17% Houston or the market under Commons. bedroom is no longer the only about of Penn undergrads streaming websites like SideReel area being ceded to digital terri- watching movies at the Rave ev- and Ch131 rather than pay for tory. For every girl with daddy’s ery semester. services provided by Netflix and AmEx, window browsing on But how about the other ste- Redbox? Fifth Avenue has been replaced reotype, the one that says all colWhile 75% of us watch movThis NoLibs burger joint/night club serves “America’s with online shopping. And lege students are poor? The free ies online, nearly 50% pay for craaaziest burgers,” like the Firebird Chicken Sriracha. FYEs everywhere have virtu- movement of information made it. I hear Horrible Bosses — a This chili–and–Sriracha–marinated patty is topped with ally been rendered useless (pun possible by the interweb makes new release on iTunes — is hyspepper jack, ranch and a heaping pile of onion rings. It intended) with the existence of terical, but is even gets itsrecommendations own spice warning on take? the menu, so come Whose do you the multifarious iTunes store. it worth the or wash it down with one of their delectable 50 Things are no different hereprepared, 1.5 salads at 47.7% Other spiked milkshakes ($10-$13). at Penn, where the Rave gets Sweetgreen 40% 40 A Friend nearly half the traffic for the it would Cinema Studies midnight screenings of blockhave cost if 30 Major 26.2% 25% 25% One of the newest trucks to hit the Philly Professor food scene isI servbuster hits like Twilight as Hulu had seen it or TA does the day after the newesting up20a Wisconsin classic: cheese curds. Street in theaters? And there’s nothing episode of 30 Rock airs. Thisbetter10than fried cheese...unless you pair Ramen nooit with Sriracha. *Students surveyed were allowed to choose more makes sense. We Penn students Order the cheddar cheese curds with Sriracha dles aioli on the aren’t than one option. 0 are too busy procrastinating side. The thatspice bad, I mellow flavor of the cheese perfectly cuts the on Penn InTouch and design-of the Sriracha, making for a delicious snack right near guess. caming funny lacrosse pinnies forpus—catch entertainment them ataccessible 33rd and and Arch. The average Penn student the clubs we’re involved in to inexpensive to anyone with an (who is anything but average, if leave the comfort of our beds to AirPennNet account. Wouldn’t you ask Amy Gutmann) watch-

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ARTS

THE INSTA–REAL DEAL

Welcome to the undergrounds of Instagram, the virtual equivalent of developed film. To make last Friday seem like a night fresh out of “The Factory,” a true testament to Andy Warhol’s lifestyle, here are a few tips for the app that screams, “You want this life.” Fire up your filters, sharpen (dull?) your blur tool, and get hash–tagging. This is Instagram 2.0. Our inner art creature was thrilled when the app was updated last year but these filters are old school now, so 2k13. Don’t settle for them anymore. It’s time to stop being cheap and grow up your filter game. VSCO Cam comes in first with its easy interface and T1/X1 filters for a bit of

exposure—not to mention its $0.00 price tag. It takes less than 30 seconds to dive through it. That selfie you took the other day will resemble those grungy Ginsberg bathroom pics—and who knows, maybe it'll go viral after you attain fame (respectably, or after a sex scandal). At least you can show the world that you were artsy in your alternative younger years. Whitagram takes second place for its ability to make your pictures look less plain and more researched, giving them a chic white frame missing from everyone’s social platform. Don’t follow the crowd, be a #onemanwolfpack. Having tried out many of the other available apps—and wasted ample money,

because what is there to do when the basement of VP makes you more miserable than the essay you’re trying to finish (or start)—we can comfotably say this one's worth the download. Once you’ve dealt with all this filter– absurdity, the hashtags come in. Forget single words tags, forget #nofilter— we know all of that. Be sarcastic, show your most dramatic drama queen self. Be arsty—it’s your show. Whether you do it for the fame or out of boredom, hashtags complement your pictures, just like those fancy little plaques under paintings at the Met. Some good ones worth checking out: #wickedflip, #iseefaces and of course #selenagomez, among others.

#arts34st

Add this hashtag to your #artsy instas and you could be featured in our Instagram of The Week Now, you’re most definitely ready to transform randoms into art pieces. If laziness prevents you from embarking on your insta–journey, you can always take a selfie in a gallery or restaurant and call it art for attention. It worked for James Franco, why not for you? DIANE BAYEUX

TAKING A STANCE ON POLYCHROMATISM "The vibrancy of a rainbow palette is whimsically cheery, and there’s no reason we can’t take advantage of fluorescents in addition to cadmiums. However, sometimes we simply overdo it with polychromaticism in our artistic constructions, like dolls who’ve graffitied themselves with tons of gaudy makeup instead of a little mascara. We need to use pops of color sparingly, because natural beauty will always trump fakeness."

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Check out the rest of former Arts ed Gina DeCagna's Contrapposto and more insta–stories @ 34st.com And stop using so many filters. It makes you look like a betch.

ARTS

OPENING NIGHT AT THE BARNES: ‘YINKA SHONIBARE MBE: MAGIC LADDERS’ As I lined up to pick up my tickets for the opening of ‘Yinka Shonibare MBE: Magic Ladders’ at the Barnes Foundation, I found myself surrounded by fur coats, “authentic” prints and thick– rimmed glasses with lenses measuring roughly one and a half to two inches in diameter. A woman in front of me, dressed head–to–toe in purple (including vibrant tights and a hat), was discussing “conceptualizations of rationality” and “the shortcomings of time” with a man wearing a three–piece suit. He nodded slowly whilst warily staring at her hands as they gesticulated rapidly. At this point my thoughts were mostly occupied with the cold weather outside. After I begrudgingly gave my coat to the mandatory coat check, I entered the main hall space. Next to the bar, which was selling glasses of $8 wine and $10

premium spirits, was a band playing upbeat Latin–meets–Pan–African music, complete with a steel drum. The audience swayed awkwardly to the music, and a few controversial figures were dancing with their eyes closed. Later the music switched from the live band to a DJ, and the awkward bopping persisted. The solo exhibition was held in the large room to the left of the entrance hall. The collection aims to explore the historical, social and political identities of Yinka Shonibare’s Nigerian and British roots. Through the works, Shonibare raises questions on globalization, exoticism, fine art vs. decorative art and enlightenment, among other topics. The three–part centerpiece, ‘Magic Ladders,’ marks the first contemporary commission by the Barnes Foundation since Matisse was hired to create a mural in 1930. The ladders, whose rungs are comprised of Western books on art and philosophy, stand upright, seemingly unsupported. They feature child–sized figures, dressed in batik print clothing, with globes for heads, climbing up-

wards. The pieces address the pursuit of knowledge, and its relationship with nationality. The subject matter is fitting with Albert C. Barnes’ devotion to education. Indeed, all 17 of the pieces chosen for the show pay tribute to Barnes’ theories and teachings. Barnes notoriously barred the elite art–goers of his time from entry to his collection, favoring those who he felt truly wanted to learn. Shonibare’s sculptural installations incorporate objects of learning—from telescopes to books on Plato and Immanuel Kant. His combination of African prints, scenes and symbols associated with Western thinking makes his ambition to rewrite history and the legacy of colonialism clear. While primarily focusing on historic culture, Shonibare does include some contemporary imagery—principally

pictures of soccer players. The discussion of nobility and elitism is inherent in Shonibare’s name, as when Prince Charles appointed him a Member of the Order of the British Empire (MBE) in 2004. Through his art, Shonibare makes fun of his own airs and graces. Wouldn’t it be nice if people didn’t take themselves so seriously (I say while wearing my own pair of oversized glasses)? CIARA STEIN

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LOWBROW

DRUNK, HIGH, PREGNANT: OCR INFO SESSION Your favorite investigative feature is back. And we're expecting.

DRUNK

HIGH

I roll up to the sesh four wine coolers deep and oh. my. god. What is this line? Becky, hey!! Hey I’m gonna just slide right in here, so convenient, right? I sign in. The recruiter, Will, totes loves the winky face I added next to my name. Way to stand out! Ugh, presentation time...Oh, it’s over? Guess I fell asleep, whoops! Networking time, my specialty. That short, balding recruiter looks like the perfect target. Didn’t you say you graduated last year? *Stares at early onset male pattern baldness* You totally went out with my big big! Wanna grab coffee? Ok great! Oh no, my gall bladder just seized up. Gotta go, sorry, I’m in high demand, it was so nice to meet you, bye, loves you! *HUGS* Aaaand now I’m running out of the Hall of Flags to puke in the Creperie. Sorry, love the way you do both sweet and savory! Overall, though, I think that went really well. I definitely made a great first impression.

What’s with this line? Phew, for a second I thought it was the food line. Going straight to the free feast, obviously. Wow, this is catered as fuck. Grilled cheese, yes. Mozzarella sticks, yes. Brownie platter, yes. There aren’t any chairs left and the slideshow is starting, no. Guess I’ll have to stay by this food. Did you know you could put mozzarella sticks inside grilled cheese? I call it: grilled cheese. Definitely gonna mention this to the recruiter. Consultants love creative thinkers. Oh shit, people are already networking. Why is this girl yelling about her trip to Botswana? I should probably introduce myself. But this grilled cheese is so good. And that recruiter’s tie is so cool. Have I been staring at it too long? What is time anyway? When you really think about the time– space continuum...wait, is this for banking? I should be an astronaut.

It’s time to get laundry done.

PREGNANT Coming through! Baby on board! Not even dealing with this line, where is the seating? Oh, judging me for taking up two seats? I’m carrying life inside of me—but you don’t think I have as much of a right to this job opportunity? I should be on bed rest, but I’m here—that’s dedication. The baby is kicking during the slideshow— who knew info sessions were as stimulating as Mozart? I have a definite genius on my hands. Maybe this would be a good time to start the recruitment process for my child, it’s never too early to start! I wonder what sort of prenatal internship programs this place offers. Well, I guess it’s time to go use my healthy glow and enlarged breasts to woo some recruiters. You know, I’m networking for two. So what kind of maternity benefits do you offer? Is there an on–site day care? OH MY GOD MY WATER JUST BROKE. IT WAS SO NICE TO MEET YOU. wewashitlaundry.com Contact us today. Seriously. 1 8 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E J A N U A R Y 3 0 , 2 01 4

LOWBROW

AN OPEN LETTER TO PENN OCR PARTICIPANTS Dear wannabes, You know, I was one of you not long ago. Dropping resumes left and right, dropping acid at fling and dropping science classes to keep my GPA artificially high. I may seem like a high–up recruiter, but I still know Penn like the front of the computer monitor I stare at for 14 hours a day. So I see right through your firm handshake and smile. I know you just want a job. You don’t have to pretend to be my friend, or even like me. Don’t you remember how you pretended not to know me at all those parties last year? Because you can bet I remember when I TA’d your MGMT100 class, and I sure as hell remember how your group hated you. But please, for the love of Jamie Dimon, cool it on the ass–kissing. My life may seem like one big Martin Scorsese black(out) comedy, but it’s not all models and quaaludes. In reality, it’s a lot of late night Seamless orders and paying for the associates' bar tabs. This recruiting trip is my vacation. So no, I don’t want to grab coffee to “catch up” and “tell you about my experience.” And no, I don’t want to connect with you on LinkedIn. I’m already at 500+. Ask not what I can do for you, but what you can do for me. Just keep in mind that karma can be one pantsuit–wearing bitch. As J.T. once said, “what goes around, goes around, goes around, comes all the way back around.”

Peace, Love and I–Banking, John M. Stokeson Junior Analyst, Goldman Stanley Merrill Suisse New York, NY john.m.stokeson@goldmanstanleymerrillsuisse.biz 666-666-6666

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J A N U A R Y 3 0 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 9

INTRODUCING 34TH STREET'S

STATE

OF THE

UNION

2014

◊ OFFICER SOCKS, DPS’s new bomb-sniffing labrador, teach-

es frat dogs to live within the law. Off the clock, the pooch can be found begging for treats and licking his own butt.

◊

Greek GPAs once again favor the adage that GIRLS RULE, boys drool, with sororities averaging a whopping .162 points higher than their male counterparts.

◊ THE ARCH reopens, begging the question: what in the hell is it exactly?

◊

CAPS begins discussing plans to both EXPAND its services and relocate its offices as an evaluation of the state of mental health at Penn begins.

◊

The Blarney Stone got raided (deja vu, no?). Bars heighten border patrol in response, leaving Thursdays a little more THIRSTY for freshmen who bought their New York fakes from “that guy down the hall.”

◊

A report commissioned by President and HBIC Amy G probes for an answer that has long eluded us all: “DO PENN

New TOUCHPADS in Gregory allow students keyless entry to their rooms and monitor whenever a resident enters or leaves. Big Brother is watching you, Gregory.

◊ SNOW happened (a lot), the administration shut down,

and students got a few extra days to dick around on Penn InTouch (The add deadline is now 11PM on Feb. 6).

STUDENTS DRINK?”