Except from HANSEL & GRETL & HEIDI & GÜNTER Book by Hannah Kohl, Music by Will Aronson, Lyrics by Daniel Maté Lincoln Park, Chicago. HEIDI, 12, and GÜNTER, 9, long for a normal childhood. Instead, they live inside the tight parameters laid out by their mother GRETL who wears a Medieval smock and kirtle, stuffs their pockets full of pebbles, and lives by the credo, “No sugar, no strangers, no questions.” As the first day of school opens in disaster, HEIDI rebels, convincing GÜNTER the only to escape their fate is to get someone to kidnap them. (“Dear Random Stranger”) They’ve launched a series of SOS messages hidden in dumplings off their stoop and into the street, hoping someone will respond. A STRANGER enters. He has a Continental flair, wears leather pants, has a feather in his hat, and is headed right for them. GRETL comes running out of the house, wielding a rolling pin. GRETL Heidi! Günter! Get away from that stranger! (to the STRANGER) Leave my children alone! JAAAAA! GRETL charges. HEIDI and GÜNTER watch as GRETL and the STRANGER move from fighting and deflecting into a synchronized series of movements that coalesce into a quaint German folk dance. The dance slows, then stops. HANSEL & GRETL stare at one another. GRETL Is it you?! STRANGER Is it you?! GRETL I am me. Are you YOU?! STRANGER I remind you of me! GRETL Ach! No! Impossible! My brother is dead! STRANGER Your brother’s alive! Dancing with you on the corner of Lincoln and Leland in the great American city of Chicago! Gretel! It’s Hansel! I’ve finally found you! GRETL faints. HANSEL catches her. STRANGER / HANSEL Move aside, Kinderlein. Your Uncle Hansel will take care of everything.
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HANSEL carries GRETL up the stairs and we transition to GRETL’s kitchen, complete with an old fashioned oven, ice box, and wall of cuckoo clocks. GÜNTER bombards HANSEL with his talents. HEIDI hangs back by the door. GÜNTER Listen to this, Uncle Hansel! (mobster voice) “I nevah knew I had an uncle, see? But I DO have an uncle, see?” HANSEL You do impressions. Impressive. The wall of CUCKOO CLOCKS go off. GRETL comes to. GRETL Hansel! Mein Bruderlein! HANSEL Gretel! Mein Schwesterlein! HEIDI Wait. Your parents named you Hansel and Gretl? HANSEL Terrible parents! Wonderful names! HEIDI They’re from a fairytale. HANSEL, GRETL What fairytale? HEIDI Hansel and Gretel! Two kids, gingerbread house… oven? GRETL Our life was no fairytale. (to HANSEL) You’re hungry, Hanschen. Let me get you something to— HANSEL Eating can wait. (to HEIDI) Our childhood was very traumatic, Heidi. For both of us. HEIDI Mom didn’t have a traumatic childhood! GRETL Ja. I did. I even dropped the second “e” in my name to commemorate all I had lost.
HANSEL I thought it sounded different. GÜNTER Gretel? Gretl. Gretel? Gretl. (There is no difference other than pitch.) HEIDI Okay, okay. So, you’re Hansel and Gretl. (beat) Wait! Can we finally try gingerbread? GRETL (clapping her hand over HEIDI’s mouth) Korken Ihr Kuchenloch! HANSEL They act like they don’t know. GRETL Well… HANSEL You didn’t tell them what happened to us? GRETL Eh… GÜNTER She tells us lots of things! Like… (impersonating GRETL) “Because I said so! You’ll thank me later! No sugar, no strangers…” GRETL NO QUESTIONS! HANSEL But you must tell them! They have a right to know about the witch. GÜNTER The what? HANSEL The witch! HEIDI Yeah, right. “We’re Hansel and Gretl! Witches are real! Graahahhh!” Nice try. (She snorts)
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HANSEL What’s wrong with your daughter? GRETL She’s almost thirteen. HANSEL Well, she won’t be laughing when the witch knocks on the door ready to eat her up for dinner. (HEIDI rolls her eyes) You think I’m kidding, Kinder? There is a knock on the door. EVERYONE jumps. GRETL looks through the peephole. GRETL It’s Kevin. From next door. (SHE opens the door.) KEVIN Hi, Heidi! Hi, Günter! Are you sick? You missed school! Your teachers sent me with your homework! HEIDI Thanks, Kevin. KEVIN Wow! You have amazing pants! And a feather in your hat! And— HEIDI Bye, Kevin. (SHE shuts the door) Mom! If this is real, we have a right to know. Right, Uncle Hansel? HANSEL (taking the homework) Tonight, your only homework is history. (HE rips it in half and drops it.) Family history. GRETL Kinderlein. With your uncle here, it is time to tell you the truth. HEIDI, GÜNTER The truth? MUSIC IN. GRETL It all happened a long ago… in Lüneburg, Germany where your uncle Hansel and I were born. I was just your age, Heidi. But I did not have the carefree happy life of luxury that you enjoy.
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HEIDI Luxury?! GRETL It was famine time. Food was gone. Hope was gone. And the hunger was a-growing. “Middle of the Night” (Gretl, Hansel, Heidi, Günter; Lüneburgers) GRETL (cont’d) CRASH! BOOM! BANG! IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. IT’S MUTTER. IT’S PAPA. DOWN THE STAIRS IN ANOTHER NASTY FIGHT, ARGUING ABOUT WHAT’S BEST TO DO. “FOOD IS RUNNING LOW ALL THROUGH THE LAND. TIMES ARE DIFFICULT. VERY DIFFICULT! NOT ENOUGH SUPPLY, TOO MUCH DEMAND. FOUR HUNGRY MOUTHS ARE WORSE THAN TWO.” HEIDI I know this part! Your stepmother wanted to get rid of you and keep the food for herself! GRETL Not my stepmother, my ACTUAL mother! GÜNTER What kind of mother would DO that? GRETL The starving kind. The song goes on to tell the true story of that fateful day, unfolding in a nightmarish jumble of shadow and silhouettes. The family is engulfed, reliving it together. When young HANSEL and GRETL find their way back home again, their parents tie them up and give them three choices: 1) Sacrifice themselves as food for their parents. 2) Take their chances with the starving neighbors next door. 3) Risk it alone in the forest. Forever. GRETL I take a moment to consider.
HANSEL And THAT is how she lost her finger! (HE snaps at GRETL’s finger with his teeth) GRETL We escaped our bonds and ran! And the whole town chased us, following our scent in the air! The song continues the story as young HANSEL and GRETL run from their parents and the mob of starving townspeople. HEIDI and GÜNTER run with them. HANSEL & GRETL GOT US TO THE RIVERBANK, TIME TO… GRETL “Jump, Hansel!” HANSEL “Jump, Gretl!!!” HANSEL, GRETL Ahhhhh! GRETL We land on the other side of the river, soaked to the bone. And across the water we hear Mutti calling… (spooky, sing-song) “Hannnnnnselllll – Gretttttellllll…” GRETL + FEMALE LÜNEBURGERS (O.S.) “Come hoooooome… It’s dinnnnnnerrrrr tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime…” GRETL Not on your life, woman! HANSEL & GRETL COLD AND WET IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. (sharp in-and-out breathing) “Ah-ha-ah-ha…” WE’RE HUNGRY. (sharp intake of air) SO HUNGRY. (sharp in-and-out breathing) “Ah-ha-ah-ha…” THORNS TO THE LEFT AND BRAMBLES TO THE RIGHT WALKING BY THE LIGHT OF A SING(sharp breath) -GLE (sharp breath) STAR…
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HEIDI And that’s when you saw the gingerbread house. LÜNBERGERS CANDY, CANDY, CANDY, CANDY… HANSEL But then, the owner of the gingerbread house came home… GRETL And that owner was a terrible woman. HANSEL Not so much a woman as a witch. HANSEL & GRETL And she was hungry!! A blood-soaked gingerbread house leaps to life. The song continues as as the witch KRIMELDA grabs young HANSEL and GRETL and throws them in cages. When the oven is ready, she drags them out and shoves them towards the flames, but they’ve come up with a plan. HANSEL “I’LL TRIP HER, YOU PUSH HER IN THE OVEN.” GRETL “YES! I’LL PUSH HER IN THE OVEN WHEN YOU TRIP HER UP!” HANSEL, GRETL “TRIP! PUSH! IN THE OVEN! SLAM! THAT! DOOR! AND WE’RE SAFE!” The song continues as young HANSEL and GRETL shove the witch into the oven, just as the mob closes in. They still have to escape. HANSEL GRETL FOUND A POTION ON THE SHELF.
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GRETL “HERE IS SOME FOR YOU, AND FOR MYSELF!” HANSEL “WHERE’S IT GOING TO TAKE US, GRETL DEAR?” GRETL “VERY, VERY FAR FROM HERE! NOW DRINK!” HANSEL “I’m scared.” GRETL “Just hold hands and stay together!” BOTH “EINS— ZWEI— DREI — UND—” (GRETL drinks. HANSEL stops at the last second.) GRETL (voice fading as she “disappears”) “JAAAAAAaaaaaa….!” We snap back to the present in Gretl’s Kitchen. HANSEL Nein. I couldn’t do it. And Gretl was gone to who-knows-where? GRETL I woke up in Chicago. In nineteen-ninety-something. HEIDI What about you, Uncle Hansel? HANSEL I hid, surviving on gingerbread until the witch’s house was nothing but bones. Then, I went back home and found my parents waiting, dry as tinder with skin like corn husks. I reached out to embrace them, forgive them, but… (HE crumbles imaginary bones) …they crumbled to dust. GÜNTER Why didn’t you drink your potion?! HANSEL I wanted to. But what if it didn’t take me to Gretl?
GRETL I was just 700 years and 4,267 miles away. HANSEL And I was… HANSEL, GRETL Alone. The song continues, then concludes with a lesson… GRETL, HANSEL HUNGRY MOBS WILL EAT YOU. POCKETS FULL OF PEBBLES. CAREFUL IN THE FOREST. CANDY HOUSE WILL TRAP YOU. ALWAYS STICK TOGETHER. GRETL LISTEN TO YOUR SISTER! GRETL, HANSEL ZE END! HEIDI That means… I’m half-fairytale! GRETL That is what you take from this? GÜNTER Half-fairytale!!! (to HEIDI) What’s our other half? HEIDI Dad. GÜNTER Maybe he’s Puss-in-Boots! GRETL Your father was not a cat! He was a doctoral student in German Studies at Loyola. Nothing fancy. HEIDI Half is still pretty good!
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GÜNTER (impersonating a king) “Make way for the royal half-fairytale!” GRETL Stop this! You are not half-fairytale because this is not make-believe, this is real life! HANSEL Which is why this next bit of news is so bad: Gretl, you didn’t kill the witch. GRETL Ja, I did. I pushed her in the oven. HANSEL You pushed MOST of her in the oven. One finger escaped. GRETL Oh, no. HEIDI Ha! A finger is nothing! Who cares about a finger?! HANSEL A human finger is nothing. But a witch’s finger will grow into another witch whose sole purpose is to seek revenge against the person that tried to kill her! (to GRETL) That’s why I finally drank my potion! No matter the consequences, I had to find you! I had to warn you! GÜNTER So… the witch is going to eat Mom? HANSEL Oh, no. (laughing) The witch doesn’t want to eat your mother! HEIDI / GÜNTER That’s good! / Whew! HANSEL The witch wants to eat YOU! And YOU! There are three loud knocks on the door. HEIDI, GÜNTER, GRETL AGGGHHHH!