SLOPPY BONNIE (excerpt) by Krista Knight

SLOPPY BONNIE: a Roadkill Musical for the Modern Chick Excerpt – May 2021 By playwright Krista Knight and composer Barry Brinegar Catch up: We meet Bonnie here in a haunted hotel on her journey up Shotgun Mountain to confront her fiancé Jedidiah, who has ghosted her ever since he left for Camp New Life Bay Youth Pastor Bible Retreat.

At this point, Bonnie has killed one man in self-defense and one man by accident. Every time she kills a man, she reverts to an animal state of being a chicken. This is the third and final murder, and the first time she chooses to kill on purpose.

Dandy, a lonesome rodeo clown who performs at the Shamrock Hotel, has been hitting on Bonnie as she tries to charge her phone at the hotel bar. …

DANDY: Hey now, not so fast. My knees are bad. I can’t chase you.

BONNIE: I’m counting on it.

DANDY slowly hobbles after BONNIE. DANDY: Don’t make me go up to my room alone.

BONNIE: Wait.

You have a room?

DANDY: My room keys are in my pocket. Do you wanna see?

BONNIE: Does your room have an outlet?

DANDY: Yup. BONNIE: Does your room have a bath?

DANDY: Would you like to take a nice hot tubbie tub?

BONNIE:

Not with you.

DANDY: Why not, are you chicken?

BONNIE: Yeah. Yeah I could be.

Sudden spotlight on BONNIE. SHAMROCK HOTEL VOICE: It’s your turn. Better sing something, Bonnie, everybody is looking.

BONNIE: I told y’all I’m not in the show!

Woof whistles and catcalls from old timey ghost voices.

VOICE: Come on Sweetheart!

VOICE: Give us something!

VOICE: Come on come come on!

VOICE: Show us some breast!

BONNIE sings BUT NOT FOR BIRDS as burlesque cabaret.

BONNIE: SOMETIMES IT’S ROUGH WHEN FELLAS TREAT YOU LIKE YOU’RE SOME HAPPY MEAL FOR THEM TO EAT OVER TIME IT LEADS TO: PSYCOTIC BREAKDOWN BUT THEN AGAIN THAT AIN’T A PROBLEM FOR ME NO NOT FOR BIRD IT CAN JUST FLY AWAY AND IT DON’T HAVE TO STAY AND SOAK UP ALL THAT HEARTACHE A LITTLE GIRL I GUESS SHE’D NEVER MAKE IT IT’D ALL BE FAR MUCH TOO MUCH FOR HER

BUT NOT FOR BIRD AS I GREW OLDER I WOULD NOTICE FELLAS FOCUS ON MOSTLY TWO PARTS WHAT ALL REMAINS THEY THROW AWAY WASTE MOST OF THE WOMAN AND IT JUST BREAKS YOUR HEART BUT NOT TO BIRDS THEY DON’T REALLY THINK ABOUT IT THEY’RE LOOKING AT THE GROUND AND SOMETIMES PECKING AT IT FOR LITTLE GIRLS THE ATTENTION IS TOO MUCH FROM THERE IT ONLY IT ONLY GETS MUCH WORSE BUT NOT— SHAMROCK HOTEL VOICES: EVEN WHEN SHE’S IN HER DARKEST HOUR A WOMAN TENDS TO CLING TO HER BELIEFS SURELY BONNIE’S GUILT WILL KEEP MORE BLOOD FROM GETTIN’ SPILT COLD BLOODED MURDERS JUST TOO HARD TO DO AAA-UHHH Music slows down.

Bonnie performs a pillow-wielding suffocation can can.

SHAMROCK HOTEL VOICE: Ladies and gentlemen, Chicken Bonnie has entered the hotel room.

BONNIE smothers DANDY with two antique velvet cushions.

BONNIE: BUT FOR NOT BIRDS THEY KILL WITHOUT REMORSE THE BIRDLY LAWS ENFORCE IT AIN’T PERSONAL IT’S CALLED SURVIVAL A LITTLE GIRL COULD NEVER HOLD THIS PILLOW HEARING EACH DYING MUFFLED WORD UNHEARD BY BIRD

DANDY is dead.

Scene 8: The Third Chickening Out BONNIE takes a steaming hot bath in DANDY’s hotel room. The Cosmic DJs introduce us.

DR. ROB: You’re listening to Cosmic Country Radio amfmam 101.5 and you’ve tuned into A Chicken in Every Pot with Dr. Rob and Chef Chauncy.

CHAUNCY: The smell is wafting over me all steamy and clinging.

DR. ROB: Today we’re cooking Mamma’s Famous Homemade Chicken Soup.

CHAUNCEY: Ooo sore subject.

DR. ROB: That’s right, Chef Chauncy, sore subjects for sore joints. Good thing Bonnie is finally soaking in a nice hot tubbie tub.

BONNIE: Mamma said that there’s one creature that accompanied the three wise men on their journey to the new Christ child that you may not know about.

The Nativity Chicken.

And when each one of the wise men were preparing their elaborate gifts, the chicken said “I am going to give the Christ child the prayer of nothing” And the wise men said: “won’t you be better off bringing something he can actually use like incense or frankincense or spicy foods?”

And the chicken said: “I am going to give him the prayer of nothing.”

For days they traveled across all kind of terrain. The wise men road in carriages or on camels.

And the chicken walked on her chickie legs behind them and practiced her prayer.

She said “Thank the Lord for what I don’t have. Thank the Lord for nothing!”

Along the way they stopped at fabulous royal estates and the wise men dined on elaborate meals and laughed and drank and imagined how the world would be different with the new Christ child on it.

And the chicken - she pecked at the scraps around the stables where she stayed, and she said “Thank the Lord for nothing!”

Big inhale.

And when they crossed a long dessert that spanned many more days than they thought and they realized they brought less food than they thought…

Big inhale.

And when they decided they would eat the nativity chicken just like a six pack of McNuggets to sustain them on their journey and the journey of the chicken was to be over and she would never get to give her gift of prayer to the Christ child, she said: Big inhale.

“Thank you lord for nothin.”