ANOTHER SCENE Steve is looking at his clipboard. Everyone who is moving carries a lil bedroll and their meager belongings. STEVE Alrighty. Jess and Jeff you take the common room. Aaron and Erin, you take the Women’s Bunkroom. Steph, you’re with me. Remember to be respectful. Remember the consent workshop, also remember that pleasure is important. Remember to aim: anal sex will not result in pregnancy. Also remember that the fate of the country and quite possibly the whole human race depends on you. JESS Yeah, about that STEVE What? ERIN If we have children in here, they may never see the sun. STEPH Are you just thinking about that? ERIN I didn’t think it would come to this. I just--wanted a job where I had time off for my humanitarian efforts. AARON I just wanted a job with benefits. I needed new glasses. I needed a root canal. You don’t know what it’s like...to be a historian. An adjunct professor. I didn’t think there’d really be a nuclear disaster. JEFF It could have been a natural disaster. ERIN It could have been a pandemic. JEFF I wonder what my parents were doing. Watching TV, probably. JESS Doing it maybe. JEFF I hope they were doing it. I hope they were drinking some red wine and just...doing it. I hope it happened fast.
JESS I’ve met your dad. It happened fast. STEVE Here are the packets of personal lubricant if anyone needs it. JESS OK, wait. STEVE What? JESS I mean, what, what if. This is happening so fast. We’re really just gonna procreate right now? I mean I just got my period ERIN The timing isn’t optimal, but you can still pregnant during your period. STEPH Yeah shouldn’t we wait till we’re ovulating? JESS Yeah, we should talk about this! And and what if the world hasn’t actually ended, I mean. Isn’t there some way to check? ERIN The bunker isn’t stocked with ovulation tests, however if you track your cycles JESS No I mean check on the...world. What if the system was tripped, what if it was a false alarm? STEVE The Disaster Alert Relay Network can only be triggered by a complete disaster. JESS Are you sure? What makes a disaster complete? STEVE Yes. I’m sure. Now we do our jobs. We do our duty. JEFF Duty. Jeff laughs, then cries. JESS Do we?
STEVE Are we ready to procreate or what? EVERYONE (with varied emotions) Ready. The Procreation Partners separate into their spaces. Jeff and Jess glance at each other awkwardly, uncomfortably, unrolling their bedrolls, unsure how to proceed. Jess arranges her bottles of whiskey on the coffee table. JEFF So I guess, we should take our clothes off? Jeff wriggles out of the top of his jumpsuit. JESS I need to tell you something. JEFF Or do you wanna just, how do you wanna do this? JESS The thing is... Jess stares the PMS. She wants to tell Jeff what she’s done, but can’t. JESS (giving up) Just sit on the couch and let me fuck you. JEFF OK. Jeff sits on the couch and begins to take off his shirt. JESS For fuck’s sake, I don’t need to see that. JEFF Right. Jess gets out of her jumpsuit and sits on top of Jeff in her underwear and t-shirt. JEFF Should I kiss you?
JESS Maybe you could just... JEFF Take you from behind? JESS Yeah. Yeah let’s try that. They reposition. Jeff lets his jumpsuit fall down his legs. Jess wiggles her butt at him and laughs. He reaches into his briefs, tries to get something going. Growing sounds from the Women’s Bunkroom. ERIN Oh, oh, oh. JESS What’s the hold up? JEFF Having some trouble here. Jess turns around. JESS I guess I could, I could JEFF Just gimme a second Jess watches him. He looks down at himself, smiles. JEFF Ready? Jess turns around again. Jeff seems unsure, like someone driving a car that’s not theirs. When he seems about to penetrate, Jess rolls away, pulling her jumpsuit back on. JESS Ah, ah, I can’t! I can’t! JEFF What? ERIN (offstage) Yes! JESS Jeff, you know I’m not...straight!
JEFF So? JESS So? JEFF So? We’re not like, making love here. Just...think about someone else. JESS Who are you thinking about? JEFF Nancy! AARON (offstage) YAHTZEE! JESS Oh, Nancy, yeah. They hear a loud crash in the Men’s Bunkroom. STEPH (offstage) NOT LIKE THAT Steve groans in frustration and emerges from the Men’s Bunkroom, zipping up his jumpsuit. JESS No luck? STEVE No. You? JEFF Yeah, I don’t know. It’s hard. JESS It’s not that hard. Jeff looks down at himself glumly. JEFF It’s not hard at all. STEVE Blue Shift! Assemble!
Aaron and Erin emerge, fully dressed, Yahtzee cup, dice, and papers in hand. STEVE It seems we are all experiencing some difficulties with our Procreation Partners. JESS I can’t fuck him. He’s like my brother. Also, I know I should have told you Steve. I’m just like, the biggest weirdest queerest lesbian homo freak and even if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t want to have sex with frickin Jeff. JEFF Well I don’t wanna have sex with you either. STEVE You’re a...homosexual? JESS Yeah. ERIN Me too. STEPH Me too. AARON Yeah, me too. STEVE (to Jeff) What about you? JEFF I don’t know. I’m confused. STEVE OK. We need to procreate and we’re all sexually unattracted to our Procreation Partners. On top of that we are all more or less more interested in same-sex sexual relations and or incapable of becoming sufficiently aroused. Jeff hangs his head. Jess balks at Steve. STEPH It seems like this should have come up at some point. STEVE It’s not technically legal to inquire about a prospective employee’s sexual preference so
JEFF I’m straight. Steve looks through his manual. STEVE I’m not sure how to proceed. AARON Maybe some kind of insemination process? STEPH What like a turkey baster? STEVE Erin? Can we do something like that? ERIN Well, I don’t know if we have a turkey baster, but it occurs to me, um, that we--while we need to procreate with our assigned Procreation Partners, that doesn’t necessarily mean we need to limit the sexual act to our assigned Procreation Partners. STEVE What are you saying? ERIN I’m saying, in light of the situation at hand. Perhaps it might help to copulate with your Procreation Partner but enjoy...whoever it is you need to enjoy. Simultaneously. JESS Have a threesome? AARON A sixsome? STEVE We weren’t trained for orgies. STEPH I guess it could work. JEFF I’m game. AARON Let’s try it. Steve looks at Aaron, and nods.
STEVE Alright, everyone touch a private part of someone they are sexually attracted to. Steve puts his hand on Aaron’s butt and in Steph’s shirt. Steph puts her hands on Erin’s chest. Erin puts a hand down Jess’s pocket. Jess hesitates, then shrugs and touches someone somewhere. Aaron grab’s Jeff’s face in his hands. Jeff strokes his own penis quietly, and gently humps the side of the couch. From her hiding spot, the Red Shift Poet tries to get a better view. STEVE Alright team, now, gently caress. They gently caress. STEVE Let’s start with Jeff and Jess. If you could just, get into a more viable penetrative position... Jeff and Jess maneuver into a more viable penetrative position. Kind of aroused now, she grabs someone and makes out with them. STEVE Good, great. I think this is working. What do you want Jess? It’s important that you have a pleasurable experience. What do you need? Someone to rub your tits? Someone rub Jess’s tits. Jeff rubs Jess’s tits. She pushes him away. STEVE What do you need? What do you need? Someone else to rub your tits? Someone else rub Jess’s tits! JESS SHUT UP STEVE! You’re not the boss of this orgy! STEVE I’m the Shift Leader! ERIN WOULD YOU SHUT UP AND FUCK? Jess looks at Erin, startled and turned on. Jess throws herself at Erin and kisses her deeply. Then everyone gets in, hands and hands, ripping shirts. Unzipping. STEVE Very good! This is working. Jeff, get in there buddy! JESS
Come on, Jeff! Jeff looks down at his penis. The orgy loses steam. STEVE Jeff, what’s the issue? JEFF I’m stressed! How are you supposed to get hard when everyone you know has died. How are you supposed to come inside someone who...who doesn’t even...who just makes fun of me! JESS Someone else just fuck me then. I’m ready. STEVE We can only copulate with our procreation partners. We signed a contract. JESS Did I say anything about copulation? Jess looks at Erin and Steph, sexily. Winks? STEVE We shouldn’t waste sexual energy. Let’s try another procreation pair. Aaron? You ready? JESS What about you Steve? STEVE Me? STEPH Yeah, alright. Let’s just do this, Steve. JESS What do you need? STEVE (stepping out of his uniform) Um, Jeff, Aaron you just stay there just like that. That’s great. And Steph, Steph, what do you need? Steph wriggles out of her uniform with the help of Jess and Aaron. She bends over the couch. STEPH Just fuck me for fuck’s sake. I don’t care. STEVE
All hands on deck then! Let’s make a baby. All hands again, and mouths, and general fondling. Jeff watches, touching himself, looking a little left out and sad, even though Steve is staring at him while he thrusts. Steve comes. STEVE YES. COPULATION COMPLETE. Steve makes a check mark on the clipboard. Maybe he was holding it the entire time he was fucking. STEVE Come here. Steve drags Aaron with an A roughly into his bunkroom. Aaron seems pleased by this development. After a moment, loud banging and sex sounds are heard. JESS So much for not wasting sexual energy. ERIN You should lay back with your legs raised. Steph lays back and raises her legs, resting her head in Jess’s lap. Jess reaches over for the Boy’s Life magazine. JESS AARON CAN I TOUCH YOUR MAGAZINE? AARON SURE Jess reads the magazine. STEPH So you two gonna do it or what? JESS Yeah, I guess we should. ERIN What do you need? JEFF I don’t know. STEPH We could watch a porno.
JEFF Yeah, OK. Jeff puts on a porno and they watch. JESS Have you ever been in love?
STEPH Do you have any gum?
JESS No. STEPH Yes. JEFF Have you? JESS I don’t know. What is love? Is it like the feeling you get when you look into someone’s eyes and it’s like the balloon of your soul is fully inflated for the first time? Or is it like coming home every day and your refrigerator is still working? ERIN Love is a chemical response. JESS What? JEFF It’s true, they’ve done studies. STEPH What’s it have to do with a refrigerator? JESS I mean, you never notice your refrigerator is still working. You only notice when it breaks. You don’t like open the fridge and feel like actively happy about it, do you? But your whole life is turned upside down if it stops working. You have to throw out all your condiments. Which is it? Balloon or the fridge? STEPH Can’t you have both? JESS Can you? STEPH I don’t know. Eventually someone always leaves egg salad in the back and forgets about it.
JEFF Can you rub her tits? STEPH What? JEFF Jess, can you rub her tits? JESS You want me to rub her tits? JEFF It might help. ERIN I’ll rub someone’s tits. JESS Can I touch your tits? STEPH Fine. Jess reaches into Steph’s shirt. JESS Actually, I think I do have gum in my pocket. Jess rubs Steph’s tits, in a friendly way. Jeff tries to get something going. Steph gets the gum out of her pocket. Jess looks at Steph. Jess looks at the tube. END SCENE